Finally the last day of April, and, hey, it is only 90 degrees. UGH! There is a rumor going around school about me. Well, unless something true is not labeled a rumor. It is true, and it is not mean spirited, but it is not something I want in the wrong hands either. The bookkeeper told me, and I told Dr Hayes and his secretary; they were shocked. They are the only ones who were supposed to know anything and they have lips quieter than a member of the witness protection program. I have my suspicions, but I am unable to pursue them for a couple weeks. It is certainly not upsetting, but it does concern me for the sake of others, not myself.

I had a realization this morning as I prayed. I was praying about this issue that arose yesterday when Terry mentioned something. I realized that if it has been in me 9 ½ years God wants it OUT. In many ways it is so minor because I no longer function as I did, but the fact that I recall so clearly tells me something. When I saw that this also was God continuing the purifying process, I started crying and declaring my love. I was high from that moment on.

I mailed Terry a letter with the whole story in it. Amazing what truth does.

I am sleepy. I was up too late writing, up too early praying. Long day, long night. But it is okay and I am at peace. Peace is a good thing.

Today the IF became WHEN, as Terry put it. When I told her some of the latest stuff she said, almost laughing, “Just surrender.” I told her what my morning blog entry said. It really is clear. Tonight I wrote my pastor an email. What else is there to say? My only concern is for some people I love dearly. Terry and I prayed about that, and I know she will continue to, and I asked my pastor to also.

It was so good to talk to Terry even if I have been in a bit of a funk about the reality of all this. I had a reaction to something from almost 9 ½ years ago as I talked to her. I have a feeling there will be a bit of this to get through, but that is okay. The truth sets me free, and God is doing a work. I got off the phone with her, went back to work and had an email from Darrell. I don’t think I like anyone’s emails better these days. It is amazing what is happening.

I know I have to work through a bit of the funky feelings—it is normal and I realize that. Already they are subsiding. God is so in everything happening, but, wow, is it overwhelming! Soon I will write candidly, but I have to wait. I am thinking at the three week mark. Maybe then. But yeah, I have written it down and He has made it clear. Darrell and Terry see it too, and that matters because they also are my spiritual leaders.

This is the great adventure.

I lay my life at the altar.

There's nowhere else to go.

Fear—plain, simple, unwelcome and here. By the end of this day, I am in intermittent tears. It is a combination of things, but mostly the emotion. It is suddenly overwhelming me, no doubt because the truth is setting in. Even songs have different meanings. After nine years it is time—or maybe after a lifetime it is time. But I don’t feel ready.

Tonight I realized what the last two years have been—that set aside confidence and healing time. It all made sense. Then my college supervisor said some stuff to me that shocked me. It was like she was speaking prophetically over me but she had no clue she was even in the Spirit. But she was. By the time I got in the car, I was near tears. I had tried to call Terry all afternoon, only to get a busy signal. On my way home I tried Robin but got the machine. Then I tried Terry two more times and got her machine. I left a message for Robin, not for Terry. I could not even get Debbie, whom I was calling for a different reason. I could get no one. There was nothing but silence mixed with occasional tears. I know so surely but I am so scared. I really wanted to talk to Terry. I have not talked to her since I was there and though I have written a lot, it is not the same. It was only two weeks ago, but it was a whole two weeks ago. My boundary lines can’t exist anymore, my feelings must be overruled by faith and whether I am ready or not, it is time. And I am scared. The road is so narrow and steep.

Home again. I might actually sleep in this house every night for three and a half weeks before I leave again (yeah, right). I checked out of my hotel and headed to find shoes and get lunch. I was driving through an office park in Carrollton and felt an urge to pull over. I figured it might be God, so I should. So I pulled around back, parked and prayed. I wasn’t there a terribly long time, and I can’t say I had deep revelation, but it was still good. I played “Hallelujah to the Lamb,” the song that God used in my major deliverance from smoking and other things 5 ½ years ago. And today a line hit me. I always remember That when I had my vision of Jesus and my deliverance that at the start of the song I was one way and by a certain line in the song I was another. I can never describe what happened exactly but just the point where I was already changed. The line says “ then all the nations will see your glory revealed and worship you.” It was the first time I realized what the power of the Cross was to people. I saw that picture under the Cross in my vision; it was an intense scene. And much later I realized that was also my call. It was not a deliverance for Susan to have healthy lungs, but it was a call to reveal His glory to the nations in whatever way he called me. And today when I heard that line in that parking lot it struck me because of what is happening now. All the nations in one place… Faces from every culture… and then not long after I was driving and realized something else. Last week as I was praying for the church in California, I had an intense moment where in my prayer I could see what could (would) happen there in that atmosphere. I was remembering that and thinking of it and then I told God this and wrote it down, too. I said, what I saw has to be real. That vision (okay I realize it sounds redundant to say vision and I certainly would not claim to have many; in fact, this would be number two that I have ever labeled as such, at least) MUST be reality because if it can’t happen in that place, where can it happen? And if it can’t happen there then all these years that I have believed in what happened to me, all the power and hope for others could just be stories. So I need it to be real. It was such a powerful moment of intercession that I sent it to Darrell in an email and Terry in the mail in case he did not print it for her. But of course I have not talked to them live since I left from my last trip, so I don’t know what they thought. But knowing them I am sure the reaction was positive and they believe the same thing. (Am I having visions and dreams now too? Interesting stuffI have been having happen!)

I went straight from lunch to Shachah for rehearsal. That is bittersweet. We have been learning the dances for the women’s conference for a few weeks now. Today I learned part of a dance I would be in, and I got it. Thank God whatever little dance attack I had a few weeks ago seems to have passed. Aunty knows what is going on, so I am doing as she says and learning all I can now. There are three more rehearsals between now and June and the last two of those three are both on days I will be in Los Angeles—although they are three weeks apart. After that the next one is not until August. By August everything will be different. I liked the dance—or maybe I just like that I learned it easily. We practiced outside in the heat. Yes, heat, close to 90. It reminded me of the practices last summer outside. ICK!

On my way home, I was listening to a CD and “Dance with Me” came on—the song I am dancing to in June in CA. I have been very careful to let the Lord choreograph it. No kidding—I would not have been able to do what He has done. It is done enough that if someone asked me to do it tomorrow I could, but there are a few holes I knew would come. Today a big one came as I drove home from Shachah. It was funny because I wrote it down as I drove and sort of walked it out with my hands an the music and saw how well it fit. The last part is something we just did at Shachah yesterday. Of course that is what dance is, taking different moves and putting them together, but this one was perfect. And when I envisioned it with the music, I said, “Wow, God, that is beautiful!” It really was—it sure was not my beautiful choreography. Sometimes when I see it in my mind it moves me. It is amazing how this stuff just comes. I want this whole song to be His. It is my love story with Him. There is so much to it. So now the only thing left at all is that last few seconds… I know something will come. The majority of the song came the first week—I still see myself in Darrell and Terry’s front yard doing pas be bourree piques that became a part of the song, and from that point on, the dance took shape. But those little parts I waited for, wait for, knowing God is faithful and on June 22 when I stand there at my old church and the music starts, it will literally be me dancing with Him.

Well, I am about to head for bed. 5 a.m. will be here all too soon! I made a long list in Dallas over the weekend—I call it “Confirmations, Affirmations and Encouragements” and it is a long list, things being added almost daily. It really seems so clear. This was not an intense weekend of prayer—prayer is always good, but at the same time, it was almost like it would have just been a ritual to act so holy about it all (though I should have prayed more just because I should!). I look at this list and see God has spoken. If I tried to make a list called “Slammed Door-imations, Not Supposed to Happen-imataions and Discouragements, I really don’t think I could. That in itself is telling.

Bon soir, mes amies.

I have been forgetting where I am lately. That sounds a bit funny but the fact is, I spend so much time on the road that one hotel begins to look like another. I will find myself walking into Target or Fazolis and forget briefly which city I am in. I am betting this is not unusual for heavy travelers. However, I believe this also illustrates a point, a realization I have come to in recent weeks. Location is actually relative. I always thought location was a vital aspect of life. For example, I could never handle living in South Florida with its tropical climate and constant humidity, or New Mexico with its sprawling lands of nothingness. But my childhood in CA only serves to prove that you can live among great beauty and not recognize it if you are miserable, so why can’t you live in ugliness and not recognize it if you are happy? Wherever you are, you go to work, to a home, to stores, and mostly they all look alike. Of course I would prefer if I never had to live in South Florida or New Mexico—or a host of other places I can think of—but an important lesson I have learned lately is that it really doesn’t matter where you are, it matters who you are.

BLECH! By the end of the week it is supposed to be in the 90s! Gol-ly (two big Texas syllables), what is up with that? We barely made it into the 70s, then we hit low 80s and before we could actually, oh, I don’t know, enjoy spring; now it is going into the 90s. In Texas that can be translated GROSS. By mid-summer each year I threaten to move to Minnesota before the next summer. Eventually winter arrives and then I am happy. But this year is different; this year I don’t want to see winter. This year I only want to live in spring. Won’t find that in Minnesota either. BLECH! (Did I say that already?)

Later now, and I am having a nice time. I went for a walk and finished listening to a tape from the church in North Hollywood. This one was not Darrell, but the former pastor, Terry Inman, who returned in January for a Sunday. It was a pivotal service that impacted Darrell and Terry, as well as the church; it also sparked a theme they now have in the church. It was the old and new uniting. So to understand the church now, I had to hear this tape too. It was powerful.

After that I shopped a bit, ate Chinese food for dinner and sang and worshipped a lot as I drove. The prevailing feeling in me is a realization that I might really have a sense of purpose. I don’t mean to say I have not before now. I have felt like my job has been a tremendous ministry at times. I give more than I take to the world at large. But that is not to be confused with a divine purpose and calling. So the question today has been, “Is this my purpose?”

I am reading For This Cause, a book written by the pastor of the Hillsongs Church, Brian Houston. It was on the shelf of the room I stayed in last time at Darrell and Terry’s. It is the companion to the CD, and the CD has the song about not being satisfied and complacent in our lives with God. So I borrowed it. I have, in fact, actually heard Brian Houston preach this message in person a couple years ago, but the book covers more. The idea is that when you are committed to the cause of Christ which is given to you, it is the driving force behind everything. It is different from doing good things to just do them, different from ordinary life goals. The cause is a word from God for your life, and that drives you daily. Is this my cause? Is this my call?

Of course the other question I have been asking myself is the one I have been asking for one month and two weeks exactly: IS THIS REAL?

I am going to spend my evening writing, reading and praying—and my morning too. Check out is not til noon. Then I have a long lunch before rehearsal at 3. I have had a couple potential epiphanies I need to sort out. The final verdict must be close.

Two messages today, one right after the other, add to the confirmations and direction. Another friend in LA called: Erica. After years, Erica just calls. Today. Another call cleared up one hurdle in my logistical area. One thing after another happens, faster than I can think. That dream was very telling, most likely a God Thing. Shachah was wonderful, and I danced like I knew where my feet went again. By the time I left, I was bouncing off the walls, singing loud praises in the car and gushing all over again. I called Terry and left a message after all—gush gush gush. I knew she would understand.

After a Fazoli’s take out lunch and my regular accidental Saturday nap, I am ready to walk around this nice area and absorb the sun and the Son.

It is all becoming so EASY. I was thinking of it as I drove back to the hotel How do you disobey God? I don’t have a concept in an area this big. I have LOTS of concepts of blowing it big time and making mistakes and missing it, but when it drops into your lap, it seems to me there is only one path.

I dreamed I was driving through Southern California. I approached a mountainous region. As I got to the top, I looked down and saw what had to be the most beautiful sight in the world. It was mountain after mountain, tall, gorgeous, massive, overwhelming. Then I looked down at my road. It was steep and narrow. I sat there staring, feeling like to start moving would also risk my life, one wrong turn would send me sprawling into the canyons. Still the sight was so beautiful and desirable that I wanted to go anyway. I woke up before I made a decision, but in my heart I knew that the beauty was greater than the threat.

Warning: Mild Fear Attack

I am in Dallas, and no sooner did I get here than I got scared! Not of being here or anything like that, but of what is going on in my life. I talked to David on my way here and when we were getting ready to hang up, I suddenly wanted to talk longer. I wanted to cry and express all the stuff inside me. But instead I just said bye.

Then I got to the hotel. I know this hotel and this area, but I got into my room and just cried. I missed Terry. But I was scared. I think somehow talking to David did it—it was in me, but added to it because David is California. David is the reason I made it as long as I did there. I wanted to sit in his office or at the beach with him and express everything in me. I felt like a woman who wanted to crawl into her daddy’s lap again as a little girl and cry for a while. But I pretended to be grown up.

I didn’t want to hang up. He had seen Darrell and Terry this week at District Council and I was the main topic of their very short conversations in passing. No surprises in what was said. But I missed them. In my room here I finally gave in and dialed Terry’s number. Of course I got the machine. I hung up. I didn’t want to leave a message. I always leave a message, and I feel dumb suddenly.

I think I still can’t believe this is all real. I had an urge to ask David if Darrell and Terry still liked me! Is that stupid? I just remembered. They are in Palm Springs. It is the weekend of Darrell’s brother’s wedding. I won’t talk to them again until at least next week. Drat. I needed a reality check.

So I hung up and went to one of my favorite restaurants to eat: Fresh Choice. I drove around Addison and Dallas. After a while, my food had set like a rock in my gut and my head was pounding from sheer exhaustion. I found my way back to the hotel, stopping for a Diet Coke.

This weekend was supposed to be my time away with God. I brought the computer because I felt a great need to write in this search. I have lists to make and ideas to express. Besides, I came here with a solid knowledge of what is happening. And then I got scared. I think even David scared me. David is my practical pragmatic friend. He is the voice of reason, too much reason, I sometimes think. And what does he say? Sounds like everything is going along well, positively, seems great.

“David, do you think I am being impulsive emotionally?” He was the one who, a few weeks ago, said if I called him in two weeks with answers he would perceive it as impulsive, so I purposely chose that word. He didn’t see any of the practical aspects as such, I could tell, but emotionally? “A little,” he said, “but we all do that.” His next comment floored me.

“If people weren’t impulsive sometimes, nothing would ever change.”

Thanks, Voice of Reason.

I did not expect such positive reactions from him. I didn’t expect negative, just more neutral, I guess. I don’t know if that scared me more or just heightened it because it was him, my old buddy David. And we are having conversations about Darrell and Terry, about church. How can this be? My brain is officially on TILT. But I guess that is why I am here, to relax and be away from both places, to write and pray. And maybe I will even go to that Yankees’ game after all. I did not want to be out late, but I don’t know if I care. Maybe I don’t want Texas OR California to exist. Maybe I want to get off this ride for a couple days. Maybe I want to rewind. Once you have touched the vision, you can never be the same again. You have no choice.

And sometimes that is the scariest thing of all.

Another emotional prayer time this morning. I have been really tired. Lately I have banned myself from the internet until just before I leave for work. So I basically hear the alarm at 5, get up and get my fiber cereal and orange, inhale it and pray. Thus, I am rarely conscious until halfway through praying. Today I was thanking the Lord for all he has done. I see myself at Pismo Beach a lot, see the picture in my mind of me doing grand jetes on the sand and seeing in perspective the mighty works of God in my life. I was thanking Him this morning and the picture came into my mind of driving toward Santa Maria when I visited. I saw myself on US Highway 101 just outside of Santa Barbara the day I called Carolyn to tell her I was on my way and would meet her. I saw that picture in my mind and burst into tears of gratitude. It was like a movie where you see random shots, a sort of montage juxtaposing the scenarios. I saw myself at 13 talking to Carolyn my probation officer, immature, rebellious , angry, and lost lost lost. Then I saw myself at 33 in my car driving down the highway, mature, alive, free, and saved saved saved. And then I realized how miraculous that very phone call was. I was in my nice car on the highway I had never driven because I was always a passenger, always in someone’s car, or on a Greyhound, or, worse yet, in a county car being transported from one juvenile hall to another. And then I was driving down the coast on a gorgeous spring day, calling Carolyn my Christian friend with whom I now share a whole new bond. And then I promptly burst into tears. Sometimes even phone calls are miracles.

Later on my way to work I was listening to Darrell. This was not a sermon; I have already exhausted that short supply I brought home. But this was the welcome tape for visitors (call me desperate). In it he said something that paralleled my life right now. It was something God did with he and Terry many years ago and it was so similar to what I have experienced and then I bawled again because it was like a confirmation. So I am grateful sap today.

Last night was good. Again, I use the word underwhelming. I guess that is good—when things are easy, that usually a good sign. I guess I want people to burst into tears. Ha! Not really and it has been so nice. Such blessings and understanding all around. At least for now.

Seven out of the next 10 days in the forecast call for thunderstorms. Rain rain go away! I can’t believe this is the year I stopped liking rain. I can’t believe this is the year everything has changed. It has all been prophetic. The springtime was the answer. It has come.

I had my first appointment today. It was significant because it was spiritual leadership. It some ways, like the others, it was underwhelming. I think maybe I am the only one who sees it as being at all complicated. Tomorrow night: the dancers.

Right now is just a waiting time. I found a card today that I immediately bought and mailed to Terry. It was about not being able to imagine not having a million things to tell her and had a cute shot of two girls on the front sharing. I know she will laugh because I can’t stop telling her everything. Five and a half years and there is someone to tell who is there with me. I wanted to SCREAM last week when I was all excited and gushing and they told me to breathe. I AM BREATHING, I want to say. As the song says, “this is the air I breathe.” Terry inhales with me.

I am enjoying myself this week. Things are winding down. My after school class is almost over; some will be released this very week. My college class only meets one more time. We are working on the last issue of the paper. RaiderVision only has a few shows left. While the end of the year ends up being inordinately stressful, it is also comforting. My heart has been dancing to far away rhythms since March.

39 days.

Sometimes God uses the strangest most unexpected stuff to speak. My path became clearer tonight in a way I never expected. Then I was driving home from Mount Pleasant and after listening to a sermon of Darrell’s, which served to fire me up so much that I was under that now famous cloud of glory, I was just taking time to pray and worship. Mostly tonight I was singing. And suddenly I sang something that was so powerful in what it said. I wrote it down and said, “God?” More to meditate on. Some definite surprises tonight.

The lily of the valley signifies the return of happiness. Legend tells of the affection of a lily of the valley for a nightingale that did not come back to the woods until the flower bloomed in May.

A slow but aggressive spreader, Lily of the Valley will tolerate dry conditions after blooming but the foliage will die back. Constant moisture will keep the plants green throughout the growing season. They prefer shade and will grow in most soil types. Fragrant bell shaped flowers are followed by glossy red berries. It is often called ladder to heaven or Jacob's tears, and is considered the sign of Christ's second coming. The Song of Solomon in the Bible also mentions Lily of the valley.

Time of bloom - Early spring
Flower colors - White
Propagation - division
Transplants – easily

Info from lots of fun flower websites!

After a rough weekend I feel like myself again. I won't detail the rough parts but it was probably—EXCEPT for church—my worst weekend in a long time. By last night, a second night when I could not sleep, I was literally out of bed battling the spirits of darkness. Me and my resurrection streamer. I went to sleep covered in that streamer listening to Terry Inman, the pastor before Darrell at the LA church who came back and gave them a word this year. It was about resurrection of course.

No messages from Terry so I guess that my travel dates were fine. I mailed her the itinerary today. It seems too too far off. But this is the week… my mouth can‘t stay closed anymore. It is to hard because the world is moving on. I admit it is a bit disconcerting.

I don’t know how I will ever catch up with people who have not read my blog. I started this almost two months ago and I am not the same. When I read my pen and paper journal before my trip, I can almost see God at work planning all this.

Still on weekends like this past one, in hazy moments and cloudy dreams, I wonder again if this can be true?

I have a lot of appointments to make. I don’t know where to start—or when.

Is anyone reading this?

I had an urge to write that church this morning was like it is at home.

Huh?

It felt so good to dance so hard that I could hardly stand! But the greatest joy was the leaps. I found out this morning I had to be the first one on one side running in for a song I am running and all of a sudden, my runs turned to grand jetes, leaps. I didn’t plan that or even know I could do it so fast. That changed everything. Later I found myself leaping across the entire front of the church and back the other way, shouting the whole time. It was very freeing and very symbolic, going back to the beach in March and those butterfly leaps. That was God’s precious gift to me this morning—this hard morning which was even kind of lonely. But when I started leaping without intending to, I knew I was actually being carried across that church. I needed that. I needed all of it.

I have begun to talk. Next weekend seems a formality, not a memorial stone. But this weekend I have been so absolutely exhausted from Friday on that I am like a zombie in motion. Still truth doesn’t change even when you don’t sleep.

It’s almost time.

Amazing to think that not long ago a flight was a rare thing worthy of intense trepidation, and now I am racking up frequent flier miles and barely blink at being suspended in air. Yes, I bought another plane ticket today. In fact I bought it before I even talked to Darrell and Terry because the fares went up last night but I happened to lock in the lower fare. I had to buy before tonight and they are involved in a major worship conference today, so I bought it. It is for the weekend that Terry already said was okay and in a message I left the other day I mentioned trying for then, so I imagine it will be fine since I had already received an affirmative response and it was not counteracted Thursday when I left the message. So I am off again, but not for a few weeks. I have no more days off because of my New York Shachah conference using my last two days. So I get off work the last day of school at 4 p.m. (officially) and depart DFW at 7:50 that same night! I will be there Friday through Tuesday morning. I have some stuff to do Monday that I have to be there for also, so my college supervisor said if it worked out that way someone could cover my first night of class. I will get in Tuesday at around 2 p.m. and drive straight toward Winnsboro to teach my college class.

Is it any wonder I have been intensely exhausted this weekend! I about conked out on Robin last night. She said she had never seen me look so bad when I was tired. Now it is 6:30 p.m. and I am in bed! I could easily go to sleep right now if I let myself. I want to go to sleep around 8, but felt like just resting.

I feel better having another ticket. It keeps the dream alive--a definite time and place. I get tired and worn down and life takes its ordinary toll and I wonder, is this as real as it all seems? But I know it is. Still, my body has crashed. I can’t recall the last time I slept enough. I don’t care much, though. Nothing matters more than the passionate pursuit.

This might be potentially one of the most exciting periods of my life. Every time I stop to think I can hardly believe what is happening, yet I really think it is.

Darrell labels it “when God messes with your cookies.” I told him in one email, I have crumbles of chocolate chips flying everywhere. But now Jesus is at the Throne sorting out the pieces into proper stacks. (That came from a prayer the other night with Terry—sounds a bit bizarre in print but I want a record of it.)

The cookies are lining up.

Today was mixed with a bit of emotion, perhaps the first dilemma that hurt my heart in 5 weeks. I am okay. I prayed. I called Terry and left a message asking her to pray, and then I went on. More interesting developments today. One involves the change I cannot control. It is in motion and I am okay because so is my own. I had a good talk with a good friend. In my own corner of the world, plans shape up firmer and leave little question.

This morning I got up earlier and spent time with God. Today’s powerful moment came with the passion and necessity of Him. I am so desperate for God and I want to be around people who share my desperation. Dr. Hayes and I were talking about façades today, and it is that idea. Desperation leaves no façade, no games. That has been the most freeing thing lately.

So the road trip continues, but the path is clearer, and perhaps more narrow.

I wish people would stop treating me like an overexcited kid and more like a person excited about God. There is a distinct difference. I expect the world to think I am too childlike but why don't many Christians appreciate it?

I care about this perception, I admit, but not enouh to stop. He has given me this passion and excitement and I will fight for it as long as I have to in whatever manner necessary. He is my vital necessity, and I must retain this. After more than five years, I have been given a second round, and I will hold on.

It is life.

So much to say yet so little I can say with certainty. My CA trips are feeling normal now that I have completed the second one within the month. So much happened. Today I put up a journal topic for my journalism kids. They have to make pretend news stories and this one said “Woman’s travel changes her life” or something of the sort. But it has. Do you ever wonder if you could erase one choice, one moment, where you would be? What if I had not bothered to see Darrell on March 12? What if I, in my sleepiness and apathy, had decided as I was tempted to keep driving through the Valley and into Hollywood or wherever to shop? What if? But I decided, almost because it fit the theme of trip more than because I cared to stop by and say hi. I had originally planned to attend church there that night but had even decided I did not care about that. I was probably an instant away from deciding NOT to go. But I did. I went. And I have never been the same again.

So the next trip… well, either May 30 or June 19, depending on airfares, but I just made a executive decision. I decided NOT to buy a rental car in New York. I have a free airport shuttle. If I can figure out where to leave my stuff while I spend the day in Manhattan, I will not buy a rental car, but instead fly back to LA. So again I spend my free time on travel websites. One of these days tickets will drop again and I will pounce. I feel like a person watching stock, but in many ways I am. Only mine is more valuable .

Yes, the trip was obviously good. It was not carousels and cotton candy; it was reality, but wonderful reality. Not the whirlwind of last month but wonderful just the same. My students kept asking me what I did in Los Angeles this weekend. “I went to church,” I kept telling them. That about covers it. Of course when your friends are the pastors it does lend itself to spending time in church. But Darrell was working on a big project so he was there almost the whole time, so Terry and I were there a lot. Saturday we spent a long time there not just visiting but in the sanctuary just worshipping together, dancing and enjoying the presence of God. Sunday of course we were there half the day. I had a neat time. More in a minute on that. Monday we went back and after the three of us prayed in Darrell’s office, Terry and I went back in the church and prayed til we had to get ready to take me to the airport. We prayed at home Sunday night which was so powerful I could barely talk—or walk—afterwards. So when the kids ask me what I did in LA, the only truthful answer is pray and go to church. What OTHER reason would one want to be in LA for anyway?

Church was great. We arrived at 8:30 for Terry’s rehearsal and left around 2:30 after church and talking and I could have stayed hours more. It was great, just not long enough! Terry had told me over and over to be FREE—she said even if in rehearsal God put something on my heart to just do it. So there I am watching the choir as they rehearse “I Can Only Imagine” and I want to dance. My heart is racing because I am thinking, hello, I don’t even KNOW these people and I am going to fly across the floor! But I kept hearing Terry’s voice in my head. Then they did it again and my heart was still racing, so I slipped off my shoes and grabbed a streamer and did it anyway. I could not believe it, but actually it seems much more unbelievable NOW that I am not caught up in the Holy Spirit moving in me that way than it did when I did it. Afterwards Darrell teased me and my automatic fears went up, but I realized that was actually a compliment, not anything bad—just old paranoia from the past years. Then Pastor Dan the worship pastor said how it blessed him that I did that. Later I met two girls—they are from Texas, and God sent them to the church so I had wanted to meet them. Well, they told me they were up in the balcony praying when I did that and they could feel the Holy Spirit all around me. It was very reassuring to know I was in the Spirit when I THOUGHT I was!

In Sunday School Terry—who teaches the class—introduced me. She said some of them might remember me (just a few people were still there that I knew), but I am not the same person, but that I am “full of the Holy Ghost.” Then we went into church. Terry also told me to be free and to play the tambourine, dance or whatever. I am almost surprised by how comfortable I was! It was EASY. And then most amazing thing of all is that when I picked up that tambourine, scared to death in my head, all that studying I had done for the last month came out of me and I found myself playing the pattern I could not get for anything—with the foot movement even! I was amazed, and then of course I knew it was God, so I got higher! I played and played and played and it was not hard. At another point I knew I needed a streamer for a song but it was so crowded in the front, so I got mine and slipped to the side where I made enough room that I could keep it suspended. Well, I got caught up in a spin and went around and around in worship with this thing. When I stopped I was not even dizzy. I get dizzy even when I spot in something simple like a chanais turn. God again. Then after that I was kneeling while Pastor Darrell was ministering, and then I just sat. And I thought, how absolutely incongruous this seems. I am sitting casually on my rear end on a Sunday morning in the front of a church where I know barely anyone and I do not feel the least bit weird about it. There was such an atmosphere of freedom in there. But even more amazing is as hungry as I was for that worship, I think the Word was even better! It was just awesome.

Afterwards we went to lunch with the associate pastor and some others in leadership and I felt like I had known these people forever. It was so familiar and comfortable—like that freedom extends out the doors of the church. Major wow!

These people are wonderful. I can’t convey it in a blog—it was unique and special. I felt so at home. It was neat. Anyway, that was a big part of the weekend—church and prayer. We ate out at some trendy Burbank restaurants, and that was nice, but there is nothing like sitting around praying for a couple hours to make everything fall into perspective.

Of course I slept little. I had to go to work on about four hours of sleep today and I was barely conscious, but I took a great nap this afternoon and I am fine. This Sunday will be great too because it is Easter and there is no holiday I love more. The next weekend I am gone yet again (surprise, surprise, huh!) but only to Dallas. God and I have an appt. for the weekend. But I might actually be here for three or four weekends in May, until I leave for New York. Once Memorial Day weekend arrives, my life changes a lot. From the NY trip on, I am traveling and changing.

The trip was great and wonderful and glorious and every other adjective English teachers are not supposed to use so much. The parallels of my life to 1997 when the God stuff first started are amazing. I see God bringing it full circle. All I dreamed and hoped, all I believed then was from God, it needed its fruit to ripen and the season to arrive. But now, as Terry and I keep saying as a reference to the song I am dancing to, but moreso as a metaphor for our spiritual lives: Winter is gone and the springtime has come.

On a lighter note, NEVER wear overalls on an airplane or you will set off the detectors multiple times and have to be searched!

it's real

2 p.m.
I am leaving.
Now I can find out if it is real.

It is FINALLY April 11. Just three class periods, one meal, and I am on my way to LA. The anticipation is mixed. I think I am scared I am going to get there and wake up.

My body is better. Honestly it is only my throat and it is not sore, just gunky. Nothing else is really bad. I did not take anything last night, to avoid that feeling. I will snooze on the plane too. I expect to arrive healthy. I did sleep last night—not enough after not sleeping well, but better than I had. I am mostly packed and have a list of things to do this morning and in the hour or so I have after I leave work. Then I am off. I am leaving very early so if I get stuck in 635 traffic I will not panic. I would rather hang around the airport. It feels closer to the dream anyway.

Today is a pivotal day in other changes also, the ones that do not directly involve me. This weekend is one that hinges on many things.

I will blog right before I leave and then there will be three or four days of no entries. Those few days will say the most.

This has been the hardest week. My body has been under attack and things have been more challenging. Even my dance has been a point of contention. I could not even dance well in my college class and felt so bad I wanted to run out in the middle and cry in God’s arms before going back. I figured it was also because I was so out of it and did not feel well. But it amazed me that Saturday at Shachah I was understanding a dance just fine and then could not walk in a circle in my college class. It was awful. Attack attack. The enemy does not attack if there is no threat.

The day before and I am fighting and winning. Still not feeling great. That tells me God has better plans than I imagined or I would not get this attack. I still got up at 5 a.m. I was not overly productive but I read the Word and prayed and even managed to work on some tambourine before forcing myself to get ready. I felt pretty bad but I prayed and prayed. I took some medication and that helped. I have no doubt I will be fine for my trip. Dumb devil! I am starting to get exited. That sounds silly, I know, because I have been excited, but I mean with eager anticipation. Somehow these physical attacks—the sinuses plus the insomnia—have made me more excited, like I know something good is happening.

A close call today as I battled with sinus junk and feared I was getting sick two days before the trip. I have decided it is allergies and, besides that, God can take care of allergies as well as sickness. HELLO! I was feeling really lousy driving to Quitman, but I finally prayed. Then I got to the bank, drained as can be. Insomnia is NOT my friend. But my banker signed the check over to me and as I came out, I realized I felt better physically too. Go God! At the same time, my check is enough for the newly reduced plane fares that dropped—get this—$50 for about two hours today and went right back up on the airline that had the only direct flights at good times. I put it on hold, deposited my check and locked in the price. I will buy as soon as I see that money on my online statement. So now that surprise check pays for the plane fare AND the conference fees next month. All I have to buy now is the rental car. I bought the hotel at a rock bottom rate a couple months ago.

I drove home in awe of God AGAIN. What an awesome God that He would not only provide this money for my travel, but that He allows me to, literally, travel across the nation WORSHIPPING. I was amazed. I wish sometimes people could see what I do, where I go, that my friends here could understand in a different way, but I love it all. I love this time of my life. I know I am blessed, but even more, I am HONORED that God allows ME to do this.

I still feel a bit gunky, but I took a nap. Dance was fine. I am about to go to bed. In the morning it will be close enough I can even check the flight status. I already know what it is, but that makes it more real. I have SO much packing to do, so much to take care of. Having TWO dance practices tomorrow night is NOT convenient, but I will be fine. I made arrangements to leave work at 12:30 Friday. And then for three-and-half days there will be no time or cares unrelated to God and His plans. Pastor Steven teased me after church. He said “Don’t sound so happy about going AWAY.” I said, “How can I not when God is doing something?” I know he was just teasing, but I am happy. Probably too happy.

This weekend I will get at least one answer to the many questions I have. I have been home almost a month... little has changed. Does that mean it is real?

5:38 a.m. and I could not easily sleep last night. Sleep is important for this weekend and late night God talk and prayer. I will sleep every chance I get over the next two days. I am looking at flights and realizing it is now TWO days away. I will teach just 9 more classes before I leave, sleep just two nights in my bed, only two days. Two. And then I find out. I find out if it is real. It is one thing to be caught up in the whirlwind. I have been. I feel like I have been in some crazy courtship. But this time it is planned. This time I know where I am headed. This time I will see if it is real. And if it is, IF this perception is right, I can never be the same. It scares me to death at the same time it makes my spirit dance with excitement.

A week into April and icicles threaten the morning. The forecasters cannot decide between 32 and 33 degrees. What is the difference if you are shivering? In three days, at this very moment, I should be on a plane, just an hour out of LAX, desperate to see God in whatever is going on.

The last couple of days have been challenging in a few ways. Today it was musical. It is truly amazing how one off the cuff comment spoken once can affect you for months or ever. But I am in a block, a fear, I am ashamed I have. I am too in love with Jesus to live in fear, but alas! I am also human and trying to love more. So I wrestled tonight. I wrestled while Robin was here. She encouraged me in this failed endeavor, but I cannot break through yet. We had a great time, we worshipped and danced, but I stopped short of taking a chance in that lost musical arena. Sunday is days away and I am afraid to try, yet I know I must. I wonder how this will play out—or if it will be played at all.

My great desire more and more is to fill in the blanks I construct with verbiage in order to protect the innocent. Some things will become clearer soon. Within weeks this blog could see its end as the road trip will produce answers. I went from Interstates to trying to stay on the Highway of Holiness, but I am still traveling.

I want to answer the questions I imply in my cryptic prose. I can’t yet. In some cases I am the bearer of news I am not allowed to share. In other cases, I simply am not personally released yet to do so. But soon. It is coming.

Depending on what words from God I get in the next several days, I am tentatively planning to go away the last weekend of April, in between Shachah jaunts, and seek God and pray and wait to hear from Him. I wonder if I will ever spend a weekend at home again.

The rest of my week is packed. Tomorrow have to go to Quitman because I got an insurance check for some minor hail damage (go, Texas storms!) and have to show my car to the bank so they see it is really fine and the money can go to my payment or me. That check is more than enough to cover my New York plane fare for the worship conference next month. God is at it again. As I have mentioned, every cent of my trip this weekend was paid for already. Within days of buying the ticket I basically saw it all come back, or learned it would be added to my next check. Now New York is covered. And just tonight the plane fares went back down and went ever lower than before. I am holding off because they are dropping.

Anyway, after the bank trip I will come home and do laundry, go to church for dance, come home, sleep. Then Thursday I have dance at the college after work and then dance at church after that. I will get in past my bedtime, inhale food an FINALLY it will be Friday. Finally the answers will get clearer.

I just had a wild drive home from Mount Pleasant. I suppose I was traveling in the car but I was more traveling in the Spirit. I listened to a sermon tape that was part of the series from Church on the Way that I heard the first part of the weekend after my aunt died. The pastor is a Ugandan man and the first sermon was one of the most incredible I had ever heard so I bought the whole set while I was there. Tonight I mostly listened so I could give the next set to Robin because I gave her the first two and she loved them and wants more. I am making her give the first ones back so I can take them to Darrell and Terry, too. But by the end of the last tape of the message I was enthralled. I was absolutely caught up in some spiritual dimension in my car. I was praying like a wild woman and so much was happening in my spirit. I could literally feel the Holy Spirit all over me as I drove. It helped me a lot with the weird feelings of the last two days. I think it sorted some of the ick out. I can’t possibly write about it as it was. Absolutely INCREDIBLE and supernatural. I was refreshed and renewed in that car tonight—even though I have already been renewed. But I also must admit my heart is torn at the moment. I have some very serious questions to answer in the next few days especially and I suddenly feel like a little kid not sure how to answer. I needed that touch tonight; I think it helped.

Change comes again with more certainty and my life turns more toward a path I never expected. I can’t write about the change yet because it is not in my life and it is not my business to tell; I may only tell how it affects me. This leaves without a doubt an alteration in my life in the future. I expected it. In some ways I needed it; nevertheless, it is sad. Even good loss under right circumstances can feel sad in many ways.

Last night was awful because I had a nightmare. It was about something from a long time ago that changed my life indirectly. I know why I dreamed it; I know it is the downside to my fear of change. But I still didn’t like it!

I leave Friday. This trip has turned into more of a mission than it was ever intended to be. I have mixed feelings today. The story is definitely in the rising action, right where the twists and turns start.

Is this the Call?

Every day seems clearer, but I don’t dare acquiesce yet. Today I had Shachah. Aunty came in with her family to see us. They had been out visiting with a cousin she had not seen in 8 years. She started crying as she talked about the visions and how God had held n to it and resorted it. And I bawled my eyes out as she encouraged us to not let go of the visions. My mind trailed back to CFNI and the first conference where I met her. I think of how this dance began in me and how it has become who I am in so many ways. It is synonymous with worship and the Holy Spirit within me. And I cried and cried because if what is happening within me.

Later I saw her and hugged her. I blessed her and thanked her and told her I loved her. I told her I am going to be in LA next week and that I know something finally (referring to how compared to Shachah people I know so little but in LA I have something that they can use in all this training). I dare say it was the nicest and most tender moment I have had with Aunty since the night we met even. But God is doing more.

We got our initial rehearsal schedule for this year’s women’s conference at CFNI. I love the theme—“Elegant Grace” –and I love the music. We learned a big chunk of a dance from it today. The song made me cry too! It was about how God was always with us, even when we could not see Him. But I got it—I got the dance—and perhaps found a new step for my own! I looked at that schedule and those dates. I love the idea, but I don’t think I will be doing it. I want to, but I don’t think I will. Just a feeling. If I am wrong, I will love every step we do.

Of course I am tired—it is Saturday and the lack of sleep catches up with me on this day each week now. This time I fell asleep in the living room watching my CA video—AGAIN. I love to watch it. Terry said she has watched it twice herself. I know every line now, like a script.

Later now, I just cleaned out a cabinet. I was looking for the certificate I got when I was baptized but I have not seen it in years. It was at NHFA and I want to know who did it. It was so long ago that I did not remember. It was either George, Darrell or the senior pastor at the time. Even David could not remember. But in the process of cleaning I found some interesting stuff. Sometimes it is good to hold on to old things because they show you what God has done. I threw a lot away but I saved some reminders. I sat amazed, praising God more. I found old pictures and cards, etc from Darrell and /or Terry from 1990-1994. It is so neat to see the past in that regard and see what God is doing now.

I talked to Debbie in AL today. She said, “I remember you being close to David, but not Darrell and Terry. I thought you didn’t like him when you were there.” I told her, that was part of why this was so special. Darrell and Terry and I clashed. We started well, clashed a lot through my bad behavior, and in the end, we left friends, but that is why it is so amazing. And fact is, when I say clash, that is mild. I was a holy terror to them. But they loved me. When I look back at journals, I see love. I told Deb about that. I said what I have been thinking, “they have an anointing of love.” It is strong and unusual. I believe that is why God is doing such awesome and mighty works through them and in their church. I am honored to be a part of it in whatever way God lets me.

April 4, 2003

The way becomes clearer. I am seeing it better, not certainly but better. It is getting hard to blog without revealing the things deep in my heart. In the last few days things have happened and it has begun to be revealed. I hesitate. I don’t think any students are reading this anymore, but I know people from church and other areas of my life are.

I talked to Terry again. The conversation clarified many things for me and I felt the Holy Spirit the whole time, as I always do. This is not a fly by night thing. These people are not flaky. And my life is changing by the minute these days. Suddenly tonight it started to get a bit overwhelming and scary… maybe because it is also starting to seem real.

Can this be real?

More change came today—part through Dr. Hayes and part through an email. In minutes I am calling Terry. It is time to tell her what is on my heart. I am nervous. I hope I get her soon. It is Thursday so Darrell and DJ will be at youth, so she will either be home or busy cutting hair. My heart is beating.

I just came home from ballet. I am happier with my appearance. Also my dance is getting better. I dance EVERY SINGLE DAY now. It makes a difference. Perhaps if I keep this up I will be good one day!!! Either way it doesn’t matter because I won’t ever quit. It has too much of a spiritual tie to me. I am off to call Terry and let the cat out of the bag… I wish I could see her face as I do, and that Darrell would be there next to her, but this is necessitated by responsibility in this situation so I really have no choice—it is either call now or be inconsiderate. So I risk it—and I remember that hope does not disappoint…

She wasn’t there. I am not surprised but that just means the suspense stays. I told her she could call back til 10:30 or I would call tomorrow afternoon. I was shaking while I called—so nervous. I know she won’t be shocked, but what will she think? Everything is suddenly heating up. I still don’t have clear answers, but I have clear direction that will lead me to the answers. It is 9:20. I am going to get into bed and keep the phone in here in case she gets back tonight in time to call. At this rate she will be sick of me before I even get off the plane! (Or is that fear talking?) This two hour time difference is a real pain. I want to get this over with now that I know it is time. This is not how I planned it. But then maybe it is how GOD planned it. So much is going on. I told Dr. Hayes today. But I still keep it quiet. It stirs silent within me, yet I am aware that the lady doth protest too much.

My talk with David was almost anti-climactic. He did not surprise me much by what he said, but it was still wise to talk to him I think.

I did not get enough time with God today. I had my morning, but I had little time this afternoon. I took my mini nap and had to get my haircut, go to the grocery store, etc. I have had no time lately. So I did not get to lie around basking in the heavenly glow. That is not cool! I think I need to get up at 4:30 tomorrow. I need more time and I will lose a lot tomorrow too. But Friday I am coming home as soon as I can get away. Then we have the worship conference Friday night, Shachah Saturday and the kids dance on Sunday night. Then Monday I teach in Mount Pleasant, Tuesday is Robin, Wednesday is dance at church, Thursday is dance at TJC THEN dance at church and Friday I will be beaming all the way to Los Angeles.

I barely have a free minute between now and then so I know it will go fast. Tonight Georgia asked me at dance what I was going to do when they asked me when I was moving there. I told her Darrell does that all the time. But yeah, sure, I hate the Valley and it costs so much and lots of other ick. They could not live in Oklahoma or something? No it has to be LA. Will I commute forever. Most people commute in cars; me? I use AIRPLANES. As David said, I have no strings. I am free to explore and pursue and run the race set before me.

Gotta get to bed so I can get up earlier. Even 4:45 if I cut out some morning stuff could get me more time. I need to just hang out with God. I now work on flags too, besides dance and tambourine. And my prayer and Bible reading is in that time too! There are not enough hours in the day for worship.

It has been three weeks, so I have to think it worked. When I went to Darrell and Terry’s, they both separately told me about another pastor couple they met who were catalysts in what his happening with them now. The friends had prayed that impartation of the Holy Spirit on them. Well, I asked Terry to pray that for me. She did, that last night—morning at 3 a.m.—and I agreed so vehemently. I think it is more than just excitement. I think that prayer took root. I feel change all over me. People say stuff about this and that and I go along with it because I have no right to do otherwise, but in my gut, in my spirit, I feel something new on the horizon. There has to be. I cannot experience what I have experienced and ever go back.

I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour
I'm not satisfied to have the form,
but not the power
I'm not satisfied, Oh Lord I am crucified in You

-from Hillsongs “Believe” (the song that is the most serious influence on me right now, and started even before I left for CA)

April 2

I have decided to talk to David. He is so practical that he will balance me well. I was praying, crying, asking God to guide me and I thought of David. I know I am seeking because David will not tell me what feels good or what I might want to hear, but he will tell me the truth from an entirely conservative viewpoint. Then I can factor that in to everything else and make sure I have a balanced equation. Even if I do not agree with everything he says or whatever, I think it is important to hear it from a different viewpoint. And he certainly can offer me that and some objective wisdom. Everyone needs that!

I talked to Terry tonight and it was just like no time had passed. What do I worry about? We didn’t talk too long because she had to leave for church rehearsal. She was telling me a story that was very interesting about some of her friends who had visited and what God had done. She did not realize what she was saying.

I gush and gush with her like no one else in the world. I was oozing about God and everything and she just laughs this joyful laugh and says, “ I love hearing you talk about Him and all He is doing.” There is no threat, no look of stupidity, no patronizing tone, no walls, nothing. Just sincerity. Of course my friends here do not act with those bad feelings, but it is like the teacher at work tonight who saw my anointing oil on my keychain. “what is that? “ he asked. “Anointing oil,” I said. “Like in the Bible.” He literally smirked like I was an ignoramus. I pretended not see it, but to go from that to a person gushing with me. WOW! I told her as much as I could pack in and so did she. She gave me more details about Sunday. I was in a neat service in Dallas Sunday but not like that! She is excited about everything spiritual I mention. She gushes when I talk about the kids dance and what God did, and wants me to have it taped to show her. I have longed for this for so long. She said they can’t wait for me to come next week—she said even if we go to a rehearsal that I should feel free to just let go and worship, do whatever God says. She said to not leave ANYTHING at home, no streamers or tambourine or flags or dance shoes. “Bring it all,” she said.

And the walls fall down. I have no walls with them. I just gush it out. I know I can be free. People seem so resentful if you are happy. I know I have been guilty of the same thing. A lady at work, fellow teacher, last week told me I was basically too happy. She called me Pollyanna and commented about how I never like to hear the negative stuff and asked me to come WHINE with her when I get down! I am so sick of that. I have not visited her since, nor do I want to. Why would I? I spend all day in junk like that. That is why I tell people as long as I teach in public school I will never be out of touch with reality!

I love living without walls and I am going to do whatever it takes to stay that way. I don’t care what it costs me or what I have to do. There is no greater freedom with God. Does anything else MATTER?

9 days from tomorrow and counting…

April 1, 2003

I am at work—we have to be here tonight but it is crazy because after you work all day you don’t end up with lots of energy to work all night too. Hello! Oh well, at least we get paid. It is not an awful thing; I can sit here as easily as at home.

I got a letter from Darrell a bit ago. It was quite a letter detailing their Sunday service. It is amazing the stuff going on there. AMAZING! I want to hear every word, but I also long for it and wish I were in these services.

I read his letter through quickly the first time. I had a class coming in and did not have time to savor it. But later the kids were writing and I had a second to reread it. I had missed some stuff the first time. I gasped with joy and cried right there in class. My kids laughed because I looked like an idiot. I look like an idiot a lot these days.

I am trying to call Terry but can’t get her yet. I know I will love hearing everything. I will try back in a while. She is probably cruising around the Valley in her yellow Mini cutting hair and spreading the joy of the Lord. What I would not give to be on the other end of the haircut.

My emotions are so pent up with waiting on God that I am about ready to gush. I almost did. Just before Darrell’s letter I thought I had to know something. In two weeks that was the most intense moment. But God had mercy on me and within 5 minutes I had something. WOW!

The phrase lately is Holy Romance. That is really what I feel like I am in. I am madly passionately in love. Nothing else matters. Honestly I have had friends that act less stupid when they fall in love than I am. I go home for lunch or after work and lie there on the couch where I leave my Bible these days along with my books on loving God. I keep my journal there too. I no longer have a coffee table. It sits awkwardly in the back of the dining area. Coffee tables make ballerina magazines look pretty, but they get in the way when you dance and play the tambourine and twirl flags. These days my attitude is if it hinders my worship, it is gone. Whether that is furniture or an attitude I hold that is wrong. I want everything out that interferes. I want my love to be pure. So I snatch away moments on my sofa, books in hand, and embrace the heart of Jesus. Usually I end up in spontaneous prayer. This happens pretty much daily. Then at some point I am usually writing in my journal and I drift off to sleep, with the open pen in one hand. I sleep lightly, only for moments, long enough to help replenish the lost night. I go to sleep far too late—usually writing about God stuff—and I get up at 5. I really do, too. I do not push snooze and go back to sleep. I lie there and worship a while. Then I get up and take care of morning stuff, and by 6 I am with God in our area. It is not enough time. I try to cut from the morning stuff. Perhaps in May when I get done with college teaching and my two day a week after school class I can get up at 4:30, but right now I can’t push it much more. I crash so bad on weekends. But it is worth it. I have never experienced the love of God as I have recently. I have never known this passion and hope.

The word of God to me is about hope. It won’t leave. In discouragement it returns. Over and over as I cry out for the answer I hear it:

Hope does not disappoint.