Warning: Mild Fear Attack

I am in Dallas, and no sooner did I get here than I got scared! Not of being here or anything like that, but of what is going on in my life. I talked to David on my way here and when we were getting ready to hang up, I suddenly wanted to talk longer. I wanted to cry and express all the stuff inside me. But instead I just said bye.

Then I got to the hotel. I know this hotel and this area, but I got into my room and just cried. I missed Terry. But I was scared. I think somehow talking to David did it—it was in me, but added to it because David is California. David is the reason I made it as long as I did there. I wanted to sit in his office or at the beach with him and express everything in me. I felt like a woman who wanted to crawl into her daddy’s lap again as a little girl and cry for a while. But I pretended to be grown up.

I didn’t want to hang up. He had seen Darrell and Terry this week at District Council and I was the main topic of their very short conversations in passing. No surprises in what was said. But I missed them. In my room here I finally gave in and dialed Terry’s number. Of course I got the machine. I hung up. I didn’t want to leave a message. I always leave a message, and I feel dumb suddenly.

I think I still can’t believe this is all real. I had an urge to ask David if Darrell and Terry still liked me! Is that stupid? I just remembered. They are in Palm Springs. It is the weekend of Darrell’s brother’s wedding. I won’t talk to them again until at least next week. Drat. I needed a reality check.

So I hung up and went to one of my favorite restaurants to eat: Fresh Choice. I drove around Addison and Dallas. After a while, my food had set like a rock in my gut and my head was pounding from sheer exhaustion. I found my way back to the hotel, stopping for a Diet Coke.

This weekend was supposed to be my time away with God. I brought the computer because I felt a great need to write in this search. I have lists to make and ideas to express. Besides, I came here with a solid knowledge of what is happening. And then I got scared. I think even David scared me. David is my practical pragmatic friend. He is the voice of reason, too much reason, I sometimes think. And what does he say? Sounds like everything is going along well, positively, seems great.

“David, do you think I am being impulsive emotionally?” He was the one who, a few weeks ago, said if I called him in two weeks with answers he would perceive it as impulsive, so I purposely chose that word. He didn’t see any of the practical aspects as such, I could tell, but emotionally? “A little,” he said, “but we all do that.” His next comment floored me.

“If people weren’t impulsive sometimes, nothing would ever change.”

Thanks, Voice of Reason.

I did not expect such positive reactions from him. I didn’t expect negative, just more neutral, I guess. I don’t know if that scared me more or just heightened it because it was him, my old buddy David. And we are having conversations about Darrell and Terry, about church. How can this be? My brain is officially on TILT. But I guess that is why I am here, to relax and be away from both places, to write and pray. And maybe I will even go to that Yankees’ game after all. I did not want to be out late, but I don’t know if I care. Maybe I don’t want Texas OR California to exist. Maybe I want to get off this ride for a couple days. Maybe I want to rewind. Once you have touched the vision, you can never be the same again. You have no choice.

And sometimes that is the scariest thing of all.