April 1, 2003

I am at work—we have to be here tonight but it is crazy because after you work all day you don’t end up with lots of energy to work all night too. Hello! Oh well, at least we get paid. It is not an awful thing; I can sit here as easily as at home.

I got a letter from Darrell a bit ago. It was quite a letter detailing their Sunday service. It is amazing the stuff going on there. AMAZING! I want to hear every word, but I also long for it and wish I were in these services.

I read his letter through quickly the first time. I had a class coming in and did not have time to savor it. But later the kids were writing and I had a second to reread it. I had missed some stuff the first time. I gasped with joy and cried right there in class. My kids laughed because I looked like an idiot. I look like an idiot a lot these days.

I am trying to call Terry but can’t get her yet. I know I will love hearing everything. I will try back in a while. She is probably cruising around the Valley in her yellow Mini cutting hair and spreading the joy of the Lord. What I would not give to be on the other end of the haircut.

My emotions are so pent up with waiting on God that I am about ready to gush. I almost did. Just before Darrell’s letter I thought I had to know something. In two weeks that was the most intense moment. But God had mercy on me and within 5 minutes I had something. WOW!

The phrase lately is Holy Romance. That is really what I feel like I am in. I am madly passionately in love. Nothing else matters. Honestly I have had friends that act less stupid when they fall in love than I am. I go home for lunch or after work and lie there on the couch where I leave my Bible these days along with my books on loving God. I keep my journal there too. I no longer have a coffee table. It sits awkwardly in the back of the dining area. Coffee tables make ballerina magazines look pretty, but they get in the way when you dance and play the tambourine and twirl flags. These days my attitude is if it hinders my worship, it is gone. Whether that is furniture or an attitude I hold that is wrong. I want everything out that interferes. I want my love to be pure. So I snatch away moments on my sofa, books in hand, and embrace the heart of Jesus. Usually I end up in spontaneous prayer. This happens pretty much daily. Then at some point I am usually writing in my journal and I drift off to sleep, with the open pen in one hand. I sleep lightly, only for moments, long enough to help replenish the lost night. I go to sleep far too late—usually writing about God stuff—and I get up at 5. I really do, too. I do not push snooze and go back to sleep. I lie there and worship a while. Then I get up and take care of morning stuff, and by 6 I am with God in our area. It is not enough time. I try to cut from the morning stuff. Perhaps in May when I get done with college teaching and my two day a week after school class I can get up at 4:30, but right now I can’t push it much more. I crash so bad on weekends. But it is worth it. I have never experienced the love of God as I have recently. I have never known this passion and hope.

The word of God to me is about hope. It won’t leave. In discouragement it returns. Over and over as I cry out for the answer I hear it:

Hope does not disappoint.