March 31, 2003

I am about to burst. I have to know. It is almost Tuesday and I am going to call Terry tomorrow afternoon. I am not sure I can get her, but I will try. I prayed most of the way home from Mount Pleasant tonight. I keep asking God what is happening. I keep getting the same answer, but then I think. My answers do not make sense if I think. I try to backtrack. I go back to March 12 when I walked into Darrell’s office. March 12—nine years TO THE DAY that I left Los Angeles. I could not have planned that if I tried. I try to analyze it. What happened? But I have no answers in my mind because it was a work of the Spirit. At one point the other day I was writing something in my journals about Terry, something I was not sure about. I said that made sense because I barely know her anymore in that way. Our closeness is all spiritual. In the Spirit I know her well, but I don’t even know what she likes to eat or where she likes to go. I do not know if she has a busy life, an average one, what stresses her out or makes her laugh. Is that insane? I am either having a book of Acts experience or I am losing my mind.

Tonight at work they gave us Palm Pilots for completing that part time academy program. I made another slip up in my speech when they told us we were now considered “associate faculty” members. But I have to write about that later too, or I will slip up again. Anyway, I thought, wow, great, I can download games to play on the plane next Friday and make the time go faster. I have a one track mind. I am so excited to gather my streamers, my flags and my tambourine and shove them in my bag. “bring everything,” Terry says.

Am I awake yet?

Hope does not disappoint.

Romans 5:5

3/30/03

March is ending and it has proved the most pivotal month of my life in eons. The changes that have begun are limitless in their potential results. That is about all I dare say now. The truth is, I am dreaming so big that I am almost scared I will wake up. Sometimes it gets to me; I think, can this be real? Can it? I will know soon. And then I will have a wait after I know to know more. So I am only on the opening steps of the journey. What an important month of my life. I end this month with more friends than I began with. I do not make friends easily. I make acquaintances easily, but not friends. But I have made old friends again, Carolyn, Darrell and Terry and Lisa have all reentered my life. If that was all that happened in March it would be monumental. But that was the tip of it all.

Tonight I sit here after a long dance weekend. Fact is, I am a bit worn down. Like last weekend I was exhausted half the weekend. I fell asleep at Anna and Theo’s (Shachah ministry people I stayed with on this trip) at 7, woke up a bit and fell asleep again until 6 a.m. I thought that was great, but then I got home and took a nap before church! YIKES! I decided this morning that ministry is just plain hard. You have to be at your best, be there early, stay late and give it your all. I can’t imagine doing it if it were not a complete calling. I love it though. I love it all. I especially love that blasted tambourine that has caused me so much heartache. I got to play it again this morning. As with every time I get to play, I usually solidify a pattern I sort of knew. Today it was two! Combat and Praise are now mine. I actually played like I knew what I was doing! It is getting easier. I am learning.

I told Aunty Magrate all about LA and what God did and the church. She wants to go there. I knew she would. It is her kind of place. This morning Pastor Michael asked me which guy I met in LA, too. My goodness. At least I seem to look and sound like a person in love.

I am reading a GREAT book by Mike Bickle I would not have glanced at a few months ago, The Pleasures of Loving God. It is about the bridegroom romance.

Tonight this romantic warrior is a bit scared. I am at a place in myself I am certain about and think I hear God on. What I am afraid of is if I am wrong. I will find out soon enough, but I hate finding things out the hard way. I need the confirmation. So tonight even in my deep state of passion, I wrestle with a bit of fear. It is all too new to be reality in the depths of me yet.

I came home from ministering in Plano and played a bit with my new flags. I would have been content with old ones, but my old ones were stolen—either at my church or one I worshipped at. How tacky is that! But that left me flag-less. So I went to Shachah’s website to compare ones I wanted and decide so when I went Saturday I could buy. I narrowed it down to three in the designer category The ones I liked a lot were even more expensive but I found two others. One I added at the last minute because suddenly I thought they looked cool—almost like fire which is what I had sort of had in my mind while I was there. So I took the printouts to Robin’s and was asking her to help me decide. She oohed and aahed over all of them because she loves them too. Then she talked about something else and I said “wait—help me decide!” And she looked at them and said “I already have” and pointed to the one new pair “Those, and I am buying them for you,” She said! I know her, and I knew that was God. She said “I’m investing in your ministry.” She is the first one. In all the time I have been with Shachah, I have paid for everything out of my own pocket. But it is worth it because of what it was. So it touched me even more because of that. It was so special. Then I went to Shachah the next day and I knew they would have to make them. They usually have to sew everything after it is ordered, but they have the pieces around. So I was telling Aunty about LA and then about Robin and the flags and what a blessing it was. When she heard they did not have any made, she offered to sew them for me right then so I did not even have to wait a week. So these flags are so special because Robin bought them and Aunty sewed them.

Then I had the kids’ dance team tonight. We are supposed to do a dance next Sunday night. Oh yeah, sure, let me throw together some choreography, though I have barely choreographed—and teach it to a big group of kids! But God! I decided to do half the song and have the other half be prophetic. Well, those kids know the whole choreographed part and I made all but the chorus up AS WE PRACTICED. I used to be amazed by people who could choreograph, but it is really starting to come to me, so I know God has done a major work in me in that too. This is the second dance in a month and it is not hard anymore. I know it is not brilliant, but it is working. It was awesome to see the kids do it.

So now I stop dancing and go back to work. I don’t want to. I want to own a dance studio or something so I can spend all day around it! WOW! But I work both day and night tomorrow. My only dancing time will be at 5 a.m. when I roll out of bed.

It is freezing again—still. I can’t stand it. In two days it will be April and my heat is on full blast and not even warming me.

It was another Sunday in North Hollywood without me. I did enjoy myself this morning, especially that tambourine, but I still thought about my other church. Only two weeks and I will get to worship with them. If only we could stop time then. There has got to be an answer.

3/28/03

Was it just five years ago the first time my feet left the floor in church and dancing became my everlasting passion? Back then I didn’t even know what a plie was. That is hard to imagine now that I even teach kids about dance a little. I am certainly no expert after 3 ½ years of lessons, but I know a decent amount. Last night I went to my ballet class at the college. That is a humbling class. The teacher is just the best, but somehow this adult class has also became a class for the younger dancers in Tyler who are advanced and do not have a Thursday night class they like. They do the whole thing on Pointe and do all these advanced combinations. In some ways it is neat because what a great example. Of course my problems is half the time I am staring at them because even their barre exercises look beautiful! But I learn every technique error I have in that class! Not that the teacher is standing there criticizing me, but I know and can see. Still, I love it because it makes me better. Tonight I am leaving for Robin’s. I will stay the night there and then go on to Shachah in the morning. Of course I will dance a couple classes there. I will stay over Saturday night and THEN Sunday morning dancing with them at a church in Dallas. Then I will rush back to my church to teach my kids a dance for next weekend. Dance dance dance. It has become so much of my life. I am amazed at how this happened. When did I blink and have this happen? When God got me, that was it, that is for sure. Robin used to tell me that… that it would be like a fish on a hook, and once that happened I would be forever caught. That is what happened. And now I can’t even lift my hand in a dance move and not think of Him. Well, off to my dancing weekend. I don’t even think I am taking my computer. Of course this guarantees I will have much to say upon my return!

3/27/03

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to wake up from a wonderful dream. I have a CD alarm clock, and lately, as I wake up, I am lost in worship even before my eyes are open. Then I think of all God has done and I just lay there half conscious lost in the goodness of God. It is so wild that sometimes I wonder if it is actually real. I don’t ever want to wake up from this. But wait! I just had a thought. Maybe what happened is not that I could wake up but that I already have.

It is after 11 and I just got home and inhaled food. I have been at work all day. I left only for church—and actually did not even want to tear myself away! I decided today that I had to make my video. So the broadcast journalism teacher got on the computer knowing less than her kids who are always on it. I asked a couple questions and went to work. As I speak my finished video is at work, exporting to both the camera and a VHS tape. I hope it all goes through okay, but if there is a glitch I will re-export tomorrow. I had a BLAST! I see why these kids like it so much. I can’t wait to make a new video. I have GOT to get this working at home. So part of the reason I am so happy—despite being holed up alone in an old makeshift broadcast studio for hours and hours—is because of the excitement, but also the video content. I have been re-living California all afternoon and night. I know it sounds wild, but the anointing is on that tape. It comes through and I sat there just praying and worshipping even as I edited.

I look at the video of me Darrell shot—I have probably seen it a dozen times now but the something strikes me each time. I look so genuinely happy and at peace. It was at the end of my three days there. I had 3 ½ hours of sleep, but I don’t know if I ever looked happier. I was glowing with the beautiful presence of God I had been under. It is even on that tape. I almost cry when I watch myself (sometimes I do). Tonight I sat there saying, “that is ME. THAT is who I am. And I have to have that.” I did not explain that well because I can’t. What do I have to have? It is not Darrell and Terry but the reality of Jesus through them. I recognize that. But I am thankful they are yielded instruments. Just two weeks and one day and I will be back. I have not talked to Terry in a bit over a week but I have had a few emails from Darrell. My face lights up to hear from him—I wish she had email too, but I guess it makes it even more special when we do talk. Besides it is more personal that way. Darrell said something on the tape, and I need to ask him about it. It was good though; all they both said was good. I am so blessed. So making the video was a doubly neat experience. I wish I had had oodles of time to seriously edit. I had great ideas. I wanted music and stuff, but I ended up using all the memory on what I had. Once it is saved on a VHS I will delete it, but that is why I had to finish. The kids have to edit RaiderVision tomorrow and they need the space. But it was a pleasure to be at work til 10:30 tonight. And I was actually working on something that will help me teach better too. This is the first serious time I have spent at this. I inserted a few titles here and there. My closing credits were my favorite. They say something like this:

Produced, edited and slaved over by Susan (who pointed her toes during this production) That was an inside joke to all the time I kept saying my toes were pointed!

Then I went on “Special thanks to her Father who rearranged her schedule to resurrect her dreams and give her new visions. Sometimes the most awesome things are Effortless."

Effortless sits alone in green as are the rest of the CA titles (the color of life and resurrection). Effortless is a word with Terry and me—with a poem a CD and a seeming word from God. The last frame shows that word alone in green. It almost takes my breath away.

Tonight someone at church said how I was going off to California because HE is there. I explained that HE is Jesus and I am having a passionate relationship with Jesus like I have never had. He said, “Well, I guess if he came all the way from Heaven the least she can do is go to California.”

Yup.

3/25/03

A little later—after conking out in my exhaustion and taking a brief nap. 5 a.m. is fine, but incompatible with 11:30 p. m! Anyway, I just got an email from Darrell. Nothing major, just a bit of chatting, about dancing and worship of course. But I just need to hear that so much. I needed to hear from them and remember in the midst of the busyness of life. He said they are looking forward to my return in a couple weeks. SO am I, Darrell. So am I.

God always knows just when we need a bit of encouragement. That was all I needed for right now. (-:

3/25/03

Home for lunch on a weird day. I am glad it is Tuesday because I am home tonight. Last night I taught in Mount Pleasant. Life has been busy again. Very busy. LA and the dreams and visions seem further away. But every morning at 5 I drag myself out of bed. I spend some time eating breakfast and doing morning stuff and then the rest til 7:30 is God’s. This morning was wonderful. I danced. I am amazed at how well I can balance a passe now. It is still not perfect but I am improving. I do this very day. I just had to have motivation to practice some of these moves. But my most exciting moment was the tambourine. I have finally gone through the whole beginner syllabus. To some that is minor but to me it was great. Now I won’t say I got it all perfect or had the speed of the last couple patterns down with the footwork, but I knew them well enough to begin to practice the whole thing. I am going to now it. Now I have 17 days before I leave to go over it without having to learn new patterns. I can do that. That was very exciting. It is starting to click.

I am glad for that. This week has been rather exhausting already and it is a nice reprieve. California seems so far away now, but I hold on because it represents something special. God IS going to do something. So I wait for the promise.

3/23/03
Today was spring. It was around 70 degrees, lots of sun, little breeze. I went to church and truly worshipped. I spent the afternoon at Beverly’s talking about all God has done. Since she is a traveler, she sees how amazing my rock bottom plane fare is! I showed her part of my video and she could see why I was so high on everything. We went for walk with her granddaughter too. It was perfect weather and great conversations. I was desperate to worship today. My heart was racing before we started. I got through one song before I spent the majority of the service in my knees. It was good. I can’t say I did not wish I were in LA because I did. But I thank God I had what I had today. And the weather was incredible. It was a very nice day. And three weeks from this moment, God willing, I will be in CA. My life here is good, but the more I look at this the more I see something is happening there. Beverly pointed out to me that God is using some of the very things in worship and my training that the enemy tried to snuff out. I know. I see it. What I don’t see is why it is so far away. Today in church we were praying for a couple in leadership and Pastor prayed, thanking God for bringing them here from CA. Jan, who was next to me at the time, put her arm on my back right after that and seemed to be praying or something. I am not even sure what. But I think I knew. Anyway, spring finally came. Now if it would only stay!

The dance is almost done. I was in awe this morning when I was rehearsing and I needed a few steps. I found it entirely natural to add a step we do at Shachah--one I could not even get the last time I was there. I added a pirouette to that and sat down praising God. It doesn't take a genius mind to realize that He is choreographing this. I am amazed at how different this is from the last two things I did. You can tell by watching. This dance is so intimate and personal--a love story with Jesus. I wrote and thanked Terry for introducing me to this song because through the whole experience, God has used it to open my heart in new ways.

It rained all day. I had to succumb and re-light the pilot light because I was so cold. If it doesn't start acting like spring soon, I am going to scream (like that will make sunshine and breezes appear any sooner). Two weeks and 6 days to sunshine and coastal breezes.

I just read a very discouraging article online. It seemed to dash some potential hope. I have to hold on to faith--God doesn't deal in odds.

I am in bed. It is cold again. It won't stay warm. I turned off my pilot light for my gas before my trip. I refuse to re-light it this late in the season. Yesterday is when it got colder again. Yesterday was the first day of spring. Sometimes I hate Texas weather. Well, I never used to, but something happened before I left where I longed for spring. Even the song says "winter is gone and the spring time has come." That is where, in the choreography, I spin joyfully. Now I spin to keep warm.

Tomorrow--March 22, 2003--is my five year dancing anniversary when my feet left the floor in church and my life changed forever. How I have changed since then! Wow!

I wish that article would go away.

3/21/03

I don’t know if anyone is reading this anymore. I miss writing in it. But I don’t miss that as much as I miss Darrell and Terry. Tuesday Terry and I talked for a long time—we talked about God forever, and we prayed. I hung up and cried again. How do you find what you dream of and live so far from it? The anointing is so great I can hardly stand at times. And that is NOT my nature at all. No, I guess it is God’s. My mind is reeling, my hopes are soaring, my dreams are flailing and I am asking God for hints into the next chapter. I booked my ticket. Terry actually prayed for me to get a good deal I could afford because my desire was more of God in this. (She is hearing the deep cries of my heart well because they are a lot like hers.) Praise God for my extra job that even made it a possibility. And that night a new fare popped up. One fare on one airline. $171 for a RT ticket to LA! That is unheard of. I leave in three weeks. It is not soon enough for me. My only question is how hard will it be this time to come home. This time when I go with my streamers and tambourine… this time when I go knowing and expecting up front—how hard will it be? God is doing something. He must be because what is in me is too strong. It is almost bittersweet. Most of the time I am high and the rest I am longing, even weeping for the full manifestation of the vision contained inside me for so many years. I feel this close but so far.

I can’t wait. I am practicing my tambourine every day. Suddenly it matters. I have learned almost all the first part now. I still have lots of work but my goal is to be able to show it to Darrell and Terry--who want to know about all this too--in April, even if I need a bit of help—but to know it WELL by June.

I get up at 5 on work mornings now to have them not only to read my Bible and pray but to dance and practice tambourine. I need more time, but 5 is pushing it. I have been great on little sleep, but I did crash last night and am rather tired tonight. I have been reading Song of Solomon—one of my least favorite books before the dance. The dance is coming together well. It is like I suddenly have a focus and a goal that has been lacking. And last night in ballet class I danced better than ever. It was like I was even more anointed from all the practicing of the worship dance. Before it felt like something I liked and cared about but almost useless to my everyday life. Now it matters. Now it is needed. Now it is important I know this stuff. I can see the vision clearer even if I don’t know where it is leading.

I will continue to write. Perhaps it won’t be every day, but I need to keep this up. I feel like I stopped it en medias res--in the middle, so I must see it through until I know the rest of the immediate puzzle.

I change the title to add “Continued” at the end, but I left “Susan’s Road Trip.” I realized it is still a road trip, but after my experience in LA, the road changed from a literal road to a metaphorical one. But it is still a road trip and the journey is continuing…

3/18/03

I guess the blog ends here. I am thinking about reviving it later or in a new form, but for now, I will finish. It seems fitting that my last entry is on this subject of finishing. I enjoy many of the literary aspects of the Bible, like typography, symbolism, etc. I also like to study the significance of biblical numbers knowing God has a reason for everything. This goes back to my history with the number 8 which biblically stands for new beginnings and resurrection. So much that God did in my life several years ago would relate that way. Too long of a story to tell in here, but it was just neat. Well, recently I have been curious of what the number 9 means biblically. I kept thinking that it did not even seem to make sense that I would return to CA after 9 years away. Excuse me, God, I thought, but shouldn’t I have gone LAST year then? Eight years, new beginnings, you know? Yes, He does know—and He said to go THIS year. And especially after Darrell and Terry and what happened there I had to know. So I finally looked it up last night in several biblical references and was amazed to discover that the number 9 means fullness, completeness and wholeness. When you look at it in the Bible it even is used in the completion of generations, as well as many things. Every commentary said the same thing. COMPLETION.

I found that somehow very encouraging. I said before this trip that I felt it was a turning point somehow. I had a strong desire to go back and examine my old life. Throughout the trip, of course, I was looking at the idea of being anew creation, of seeing how God had transformed me. So I find it so logical and so GOD that nine is the fullness of it.

It rings true inside me; it is clear another chapter has begun.

Those who have followed my blog. Thanks! It has been fun. I am not done. I will likely update this with every trip and send emails to that effect. I enjoy this a lot. So this is just a break for now. In fact, I will probably update soon since the next trip is in the works! Sometimes I truly think of moving to a tiny studio apartment I can use as my home base for travel. I am not kidding. One reason DFW is a great airport hub is that it is in the middle of the country and you can get anywhere in about equal time. Sometimes that is how I feel living here. It is a hub for my life wherever it takes me.

I wonder what this next chapter will bring….

3/17/03—1:25 a.m. I arrived home around 1. While it was nice to be out of the car, once I saw Dallas, I was aware of just how FAR from Los Angeles I am. Terry called this afternoon and told me about church today. I told her how I had cried and cried this morning. It killed me to get n my car and drive and not be at church with them. Then she told me she saw the lady at the church who had brought in the flags and tambourines and stuff and told her about me and the dance they had asked me to do. She said the lady got teary-eyed about it. And Terry vows the next time she hears the song will be when I dance to it. But she might see me sooner. After this morning’s crying and praying, I realized I cannot wait til June to return. I asked her if I could come for a weekend. She said, of course, I did not even have to ask. So I am looking for a bargain fare. It is that important to me. I found life and breath in a place the Spirit of God dwells. And I had to leave it too soon. Never before have I had friends so LIKE me in thinking and philosophy—and to think they are old friends, and pastors, that I have known for 13 years makes it even more special. I mean at some points they would say things word for word how I do, without knowing it! It is not that I have friends that I don’t like how they think or anything that is bad; that is not a negative statement. Its I just that when you meet kindred spirits, you want to flock. I have a strong sense of some of what God is doing, but I can’t pinpoint it. Of all places they have to live in LA. YUCK! But I guess I will be spending all my free time there! The video is neat—just the raw footage, so far; I will edit later. Terry said she might want to put something together for June, like a one day worship dance seminar. I am willing if not sure I am qualified enough. Starting in the morning I study hard. I will know my tambourine and dance. I will know my Scripture even better. I could never have dreamed I would need it this way! Besides needing it for there if she has me do it, and she sounds pretty serious, and it is her call, I need to study the dance part for me. I am telling you, God is absolutely giving me this dance they asked me to do. But it has 8 grand jetes, chanais turns, piques, and bunches of stuff that will look really BAD if I don’t practice really hard! Anyway, now I know I need sleep too. I had to pull over just past Abilene and just drift for 10 minutes to be able to function. So yeah, I need sleep. I also need a plane ticket to Burbank.

3/16/03

I just woke up—it is 9 a.m. in NM—not a lot of sleep, but enough for now. I woke up with the keen awareness that in a few hours Darrell and Terry will be at church worshipping with all their hearts—and I will be driving. I want to be there like I want to breathe right now. I am not kidding.

Yesterday I did not leave until 1 p.m. I meant to leave sooner, or at least nap if I stayed, but Darrell and I were talking. Terry called when I was on the road and asked me what I was doing getting out of there so late. I said “Well, Darrell and I started talking about God and you know how that goes.” She laughed. Yeah, she knows. I told her I was afraid I would not get out before she came home and then we would have been all weepy. She said, yes, that would have been bad because she might have just had to keep me. Darrell kept asking, “Now WHAT are the things you don’t like about Los Angeles?” UGH! I can’t say I would not love to be at that church and in on this new move which is what God has been preparing me for for years, but not LA. I hate the Valley; it is ugly. Rents are triple Tyler’s rates and they are so dumb they are laying off teachers. I tried to explain that. But I understand the question because of the God stuff.

I will leave here as soon as I can. I do not want to get tired like last night. I am about 100 miles from El Paso—which might be a long way home, but at least my license plate will look normal again. I am due at work tomorrow. My travel credit card is almost to the limit I put on it. My cash is low and my debit card is fried. Most of my snacks are gone, and so are my drinks. I had to come home. But I don’t want to anyway. My resources are empty, but I am more full than ever.

I will write more, but this will be the last entry from the road. The home stretch. I will write reflections later. There are so many. I think in some cases, I will also dance these reflections. When I think about what God had planned in HIS agenda this trip, I just am amazed by His goodness.

Is it June yet?(-:

3/16/03 2:37 a.m. Deming, New Mexico

I am in a Days Inn in Deming—I tried to stop over an hour ago and the motels were booked and I was tired. I could barely drive. I fought to stay awake and on the road. It was a bit scary.

Anyway, I am too tired to write. I will drive home tomorrow. My awesome road trip is almost over—certainly the best part is. I am counting the days til June.

More later.

3/15/03-8:43 a.m. I slept less than four hours. Then I woke up praising God and took a shower and spent a few minutes with Terry before she left. We both got a bit sappy. She said it was easier with her leaving me here with Darrell and DJ than saying good bye. She said she would call as I drove, we prayed and she left.

I am sleepy but not as bad as I should be on so little sleep—which is accumulated over many days. My eyes are burning but my mind and my spirit are so alert. Miracles have a way of reviving all of you.

I shared with Terry my sense that something life changing had happened that even though we were 2000 miles apart would continue. She knew it too. I am okay because Darrell is still here. Besides that I am not fully packed up, AND it is raining and Angelinos do NOT know how to drive in the rain, so I am waiting until it subsides a bit. (All week it was sunny and in the 70s and 80s where I was. Now, the day I leave it drops to 60 and rain. I am blessed!) Then I will drag myself into Gracie and get on the road, back through the desert. I do not know where I will stop tonight but I just decided I will drive as long as I can handle it and then stop—it might mean 14-16 hours tomorrow, but it would be better to do that awake. I have incredible tapes to listen to and an incredible revival inside of me. But I must admit it would be nice even now to rest these burning eyes.

I leave this phase of my trip now. Maybe being tired makes it easier too. Next update from some roadside hotel on I-10.

3/15/03

3:17 a.m. Just got into bed. Terry and I were up talking and praying forever. We all went to dinner in Hollywood—which was good since I forgot to eat lunch--and by the time we got home it was 11:30, then we talked about, well, let’s see, what ELSE do we talk about but GOD! Darrell was falling asleep but stayed in the room. Then Terry wanted me to teach her some basic dance steps she could do in church so she was more confident so I taught her balances and a Shachah pattern that is easy but simple—Worship. Then we sat down to pray around 1:30 probably, and we talked longer. Then we prayed even longer. Then we talked some more about what we prayed about because it was all so awesome. For the record, I have used that word a LOT this week and in every single instance I am referring to the works of God that are truly awe-inspiring. I do not take it for granted. A miracle has happened here. There were two other times in my life that I can immediately think of—probably more that if it were not almost 3:30 a.m. I could recall—that I sensed I had just entered a situation that I thought was temporary, and it changed my life forever (the influence even if it didn’t last forever). The first I am recalling was in 2000 when I went to the CFNI Women’s Conference and met Magrate Yap and the Shachah ministry. I went to take some dance classes. The next Saturday I began driving to Dallas and have for 2 ½ years. My life is entirely changed because of my involvement in that ministry. The second time was when I went to visit Tyler Metro on Easter Sunday, April 15, 2001. I was only visiting, planning to move to Dallas that fall. But I stayed. I never went anywhere else. And at the time of both I knew once I was IN them that something in me had been changed in away that I could never return. Tonight (this morning), I felt that rare but powerful feeling again. This encounter with Darrell and Terry is a work of God. Before I left I sent out an itinerary to some friends to have for praying and contact if they needed it. It was precise and had everything down to the day and the amount of hours I would travel that day. As Terry and I prayed, she was thanking God for changing my itinerary because I had told her about that. I saw myself back at the computer making it. Then I saw the hand of God take that sheet of paper and make it longer. I started laughing this joyful laugh as she prayed, realizing what had happened. It reminded me of when I was applying for jobs in Dallas and had it all picked out and then went to Tyler Metro. Some things change your life forever. Terry and Darrell both keep saying that they can see the miracle in me. So few people now know what God has done. Sometimes I get so used to being an ordinary person that I almost forget where I was brought from. But I have remembered. I have seen it again and even recorded it all on video. Anyone who doubts the truth and faithfulness of God needs to hear my history. I am glad God has allowed me to remember. This is the right kind of reflecting in your past because God gets the glory.

The song has become mine. It was prophetic and will be my trademark dance, I think. I can’t believe how much of it God has already given me. Today I could not dance it without crying out to Him.

I have to sleep. Terry has to leave for a pastor’s wife thing at 8:30. I told her to at least come in and say good bye if I am not up. It is better that she is gone when I leave. It is hard to leave her. We were instant kindred spirits—literally—upon stumbling upon each other again. She gushes as I do. We are such good and close friends. Years passed and made us closer. What are the odds? But God! So it is easier because I would probably cry. Who wants to find a friend like that and then leave so quickly? But God gave us three days—of a weeklong trip. And we know that in three short months—one season—I will be back. That will be the end of spring. God has done a lot with spring this trip too, and in preparations for it even. I have fallen in love with spring. Winter and rain are gone and He has come to me. This season is His. The change is in the air, in the atmosphere. He has come.

3/14/03

The only thing wrong in the whole world is that tomorrow I have to leave here. Who knew you would find the glory of God in an ugly place you think you hated? But I can’t ever hate this place again. What has happened this week had changed everything.

Today I saw an old friend. We hung out when she was 17, her sister was 18 and I was 19. When she got married last year, she went to Darrell, her former youth pastor. And they kept in touch. So Darrell called Lisa and the next thing you know we were at Starbucks. She has turned into a wonderful woman. She works for Disney, is happily married and is a neat person. We laughed so hard, remembering chicken stripes (that is not a typo), largos and Richard’s answering machine. But the best part was seeing that if I met her today I would truly like her. She had given her sister my email and when I got home today I had an email from her too. Lisa’s in laws are from Oklahoma and Louisiana, so more renewed friendship is brewing between her trips home and my new home away from home, as Darrell and Terry keep saying, out here.

This morning Darrell and I had a long God talk (again). I was about to go running and he was headed for work. Terry had just left to do a client’s hair and we started talking—Terry came home and we were STILL talking. Then Terry sat in the car forever after she got here. I had let her borrow one of my CDs I got at the International House of Prayer and she was enamored with it. I told her to keep it til June anyway. Darrell laughed and said sometimes they will drive home from church in separate cars and she will come in the house 45 minutes later than he does because she is so caught up in worship. Finally Darrell was leaving and he and Terry were talking out at the curb, so while I waited for Terry I was dancing on the front walkway. The song got in my head when Darrell had hummed a part of it and I could see the moves that had to go with the beat. I was not sure I had it right since I just learned the song last night. Darrell joked that he was sending Terry now to take me inside. I laughed because I noticed a neighbor had come home and I was doing developes and pique pas de bourees outside. I said the neighbors would think I was crazy. They laughed and said neighbors already know they are crazy. After Terry left, I got the song out (she gave me the CD to take back and learn the dance). All the parts I had worked on outside fit when I played the music. I probably had a third of the song. I mean, it is still not a dance, but I know a lot of it. It is unlike anything I have done and I know it is the Lord choreographing it. I just get to dance. And it is touching me. I think it was more prophetic when Terry said it was my song and I had to do it, Today I read the Scripture on which part of it is based—in Song of Solomon. And I had been practicing it too. I was, of course, in tears. It is my song. Spring has come.

How am I going to deal with leaving? I am not ready. I just found this. But I have been waiting years for it.

My spirit is dancing again,
Leaping into the hope that never died—
Buried dreams resurrected by Your tenderness.
Free to dance, to spin like a child again,
Pummeling walls--
With fearless confidence no longer flung away,
but embraced
Your Promise has captured me,
Sustaining me in mid air--
Taking my hand, You dance with me,
Lover of my Soul.

3/14/03—middle of the night

Terry and I did not go to bed til after 1. Her friend stayed a while and we got to talking about dance. I taught the friend to use a streamer—and then stuff happened! We were all in the kitchen talking about worship and what all the dance means and stuff. Then Darrell came home and we continued. The friend left and we sat down to watch some dance videos. Darrell asked me for some copies of a couple dance we have done at church at Tyler Metro. Then Terry thought of a song I would love. And then somehow they asked me, even before I heard it, to come and do it on a Sunday morning at the church when I come back in June! Darrell said to choreograph it and come do it. Terry said it was MY song. I love it, but I knew she was right about that when I heard the lyrics that said that winter has gone and spring has come. Anyone reading my blog knows that this year I finally longed for spring. It seems so significant in light of what God is doing in this beautiful house in the LA foothills. Then Terry thanked me for being willing to come dance in their church. Thanked me. I told them I was honored they asked. We listened to more songs. I was just dancing—and a bit amazed that I could get in the middle of their living room and so comfortably worship with people I had not seen or talked to in 8 or 9 years. The presence of God in this house is incredible. We talked some more. At 1 a.m. we decided we had to go to bed. Terry has some stuff she has to do tomorrow. Meanwhile I continue to be filled with emotion. We were about to go to bed. Darrell had conked out in the couch and we started to say good night when Terry reached for my hand. “I can’t go to bed without thanking Him,” she said. And so we prayed. And we cried. We praised and thanked God. It was so amazing. We went to bed still in awe. It is like a three person revival in this house. This trip was almost a fluke. This visit with them almost didn’t happen. But God had it all planned from the start. I see it now, of course. My trip turned into a longer one with me with them for parts of 4 different days by the time I leave. God blows me away. I can hardly contain my worship and praise. And I don’t WANT to. I felt this trip was going to be a turning point, a change of seasons in my life. I think that was accurate. I think it is spring.

3/13/03

Wow! Wow! Wow! I cannot believe what is happening. First, I am not coming home until the last possible second. I knew yesterday I needed to stay. I sensed it but it seemed so crazy. After all I needed to go to dance Saturday because we have this dance coming up at the end of the month. I fought the idea all night as I lay in my hotel wanting to be here in the foothills of LA with Terry again. This morning I realized something. Maybe God was still shaking up my schedule. I planned it all so carefully to be home at the right time. But obviously God had some other plans or I would have never seen Terry and Darrell. To stick to something simply out of planning is the same as all the criticism I do of programs. If I have to miss a dance because God is asking me to do something else, that is not bad. So I took my own advice. I called Terry as I was arriving at Vanguard University in Costa Mesa to see David. Every time I thought about leaving from my lunch with David to head out into the desert and home, I felt just ICKY. That is the only word. It was an awful thought. Finally I realized what I had to do. I suspected God was telling me to stay, so I called Terry. She could not believe I was calling because she was just reading something I wrote and thinking of me at that moment. She interrupted herself to tell me she loved me a million times. I asked her if she had plans the rest of the day. She said she had just had her major plans cancel! The rest was history. I enjoyed my few hours with David. He took me to a trendy place near the beach and then we went to his mother-in-law's because she lives on a bluff overlooking the ocean in Laguna Nigel. We talked. Then I came back to Terry’s. Right now she has a client over for a short appointment (hair) and then we will continue. All we do is talk about God and then laugh these joyful laughs because we have found each other. Darrell shared about me at church last night, she said. Terry said it was hard because she could tell the people got it but didn’t REALLY get it because they did not know me. Terry knew me when. Not as when as my juvenile problems in Santa Maria, but she knew me in bad times. We keep trying to figure out a way I can be here Sunday for church, but it can’t logistically happen because the drive is too many hours. For now I just told her that I knew God wanted me back here—and she knew it too—and he is doing something and I will leave when He is done. That would have to hold until June. I have never ever in my life had this type of things happened with a person before, but I have heard of God doing this. I have a feeling I will have lots of California trips in my future. Suddenly I have too much here to not be here. And to think I almost missed it. I almost did not even bother coming to LA because I thought I had nothing here. I was happy with Santa Maria and all that good. But God does exceedingly MORE than we can ask or think. This is His exceeding. I am in the most beautiful house, jumping between total peace and joyful anticipation—but they are not mutually exclusive so I can entertain both—awaiting God. What an incredible trip this is. And I still feel some of the best is yet to come. I could care less if I sleep. I will probably head home early Saturday morning. I really do need to be back by Sunday at 6 to meet with my kids on the dance team at church. But if I drive up to the church at 5:59, car loaded with boxes and bags, I am fine with that. Well, I am going to write more later, but right now Terry must be finishing up and we have an appointment with God!

3/12/03

I am so glad God shook up my schedule today. Oh yeah, sure, shopping in the Valley and then down to Hollywood and maybe even the beach. Relax, be free. No plans, no people. Run by church tonight and see Darrell and Terry. God is so much smarter than I. Today was INCREDIBLE. I can’t stop crying. Half is because it is so wonderful; half is because it is so hard to go away and leave what I found today. The good news is I will be back the third week of June. So let’s backtrack—if I can possibly do it justice in this document.

It is 11p.m. (I don’t really sleep anymore; I just live.)I am on the 10th floor of my nice hotel—we won’t discuss the parking and phone call charges. If I were not so elated I would probably be more annoyed, but nothing can ruin the joy. I was still tired when I drove into the Valley. I got some tapes at the Church on the Way of that awesome man I heard there a couple weeks ago—and I found a wonderful book on postmodernism and a Christians response that I imagine will be the basis of a lot of my future writing. Then I was not sure what I wanted to do next. It kept occurring to me that maybe I should go by the church during the day because then I could talk to Darrell a bit and possibly he could even call Terry and I could go over there. So I finally decided to do that. Instead of wearing the cute little church outfit, I just gave up, looked decent and took off. Darrell was not there but would be soon so I went and got lunch and came back. That is when everything started.

Darrell was the youth pastor at my old church. He was very good to me even though I was a mess. He anonymously paid for me (I found out years later) to go on a mission’s trip to New York even though I was likely to not be fun to be with. He forgave me for some awful, juvenile stuff I did with a couple of the girls I was friends with at the time. He even later let me work with the youth group, knowing I was not perfect but had a heart for it. Darrell and Terry were so great about always loving me, even if I was unlovable.

After I left, I heard he had become senior pastor and heard great things about the church. It had become very integrated and just different. But I did not know a whole lot and when you don’t talk to people for eight years, things fade. Debbie gave me the web site and I have occasionally looked at it. The last time I did a few weeks ago I saw pictures of a joint service with the Filipino congregation—I saw dancing and major stuff I had never seen there. I saw something special in the pictures and was in awe even then. Today I knew why.

Darrell and I sat down and talked like it was normal to be there. He was beaming, gushing with excitement about what God is doing at the church after all these years. They went through agony—people walking out on them because they wanted to keep tradition. Darrell and Terry are not the traditional religious types (praise God!). Well, there is a lot of stuff in between, but the essence is that this church is so on fire. The people God is using are the ones least likely to be used by normal church standards. And it is awesome. The church is filled with banners and tambourines, the worship is alive and un "programmed.” And the services sometimes go til 1:30 or 2 now. This is my old church, and that is so far from how it was that only God could do this. But they are willing. Darrell is so humble and gave all the glory to God. Not many pastors would do what he has done the past few years. We had an awesome talk and we were both just on fire talking because we could tell that our views, our hearts, were at the same place. He would say stuff and I would agree and then I would and he knew what I meant too. I did not have to tell him this and that about my life since I left for him to instantly see how changed I was. He said he could see it. I could not believe how much of the same wavelength we were on. I told him I want CDs of all his sermons. I want to follow this promise God is carrying out in them. I longed to be there. As happy as I am and as much as I love my church at home, the dream is so similar. I could not believe what I was hearing. He said he would take me back in a second. Too bad I hate California. Or do I?

Then he got on the phone and called Terry. He put me on the phone and made her guess who it was. Once she figured it out she was happy and shocked. I honestly did not expect such WONDERFUL reactions from both of them. I was not even sure they would want to see me all that badly. Boy was I wrong! So I went up to her house. By this time of day my plans had me buying out half of Sherman Oaks and here I was lucky to have eaten lunch!

I drove up to Sunland and Terry was sitting outside of her adorable home. Darrell said I would recognize it instantly because it is fru-fru-ey. Yeah, and gorgeous.. What happened after that was the best part of it all. It was like the second we saw each other our friendship was reborn. We hugged each other like sisters. She said I made her WEEK by showing up. She took me inside and gave me a super quick house tour so she could talk to me instead. My kind of person—get rid of all the small talk! Darrell had not told her anything about how I was now. But it didn’t take long. When I told her about dance and stuff, it was wild because that is what has recently broken out in their church, but then here I am, involved in all this. It was amazing.

So we talked—Terry cried because she was so encouraged, she said. I cried to listen to the way God is moving in their church, to hear of the things happening. I can hardly stand to not ride with them in this. And the absolutely weird thing about it all is God has used a couple in their lives who pastor also, and it had started there. I asked where they pastored when Darrell was telling me the awesome stories (miracles, spontaneous worship services in public hotels, etc!). The other couple is in Arroyo Grande, just 15 minutes from Santa Maria and right next to Pismo Beach. That blew me away. Both couples, both churches both homes of mine. Whoa!

Terry and I talked as long as we could, taking it all in. Eventually we both had to go. She hugged me and said “I don’t want to let you go.” I laughed and said “that is not something I hear often!” And then just as Darrell had done, she said “ I just have to pray with you before you go.” And we prayed, standing in her kitchen holding hands and touching the heavens with the same hearts. We were in awe that in 9 years, 1300 miles apart, God was doing the same things. We both want me to be able to come to a Sunday service. I have to. Suddenly we realized that I could not just pop in for an afternoon. So I decided right then that I am coming out on my two week break in June. Period. I can’t explain it but I have to be here. I can make it for two Sundays before I have to be back in Tyler, then Vermont. In between I can also go back to Santa Maria and see Carolyn (who might be seeing this for the first time in here if I have not sent a personal email yet!) and that is exciting too. But I am going. People in CA reading this, mark late June because wild horses can’t keep me away. Terry said I am to stay nowhere else in LA but with them—that I have a place anytime I want one. This was not just a quick catch up. It was friendship being reborn. It was so awesome. I cannot explain that but I think we both felt like if we did not have to go we would have sat there and prayed all night or something. The bond was just there. I do NOT want to leave. I am not kidding. I can’t STAND the San Fernando Valley. As I drove down today I was grossed out by the smog and the ugly areas. But after seeing Darrell and Terry I want to be right here.

When I left Darrell, he also prayed for me. It was so special. What an awesome pastor he is. Amazing. I got in my car and cried half the way to Sunland. I thanked God for Darrell and Terry and what was happening. And I cried out to God the whole time. I kept saying “Oh, God. Oh God” but I didn’t know what else to say or even what I was trying to say. Then I cried and cried. The same things happened when I left Terry. And that was even more special because it was like a sister. I love them so very much. I always did. I remember and appreciate when people treat me well when don’t deserve it. That was the things with Carolyn and some others too. Anyone can love a lovable person, but only the special ones love the unlovable. The stories were major. I was a mess there and they knew it. I remember Terry sitting on the phone with me repeatedly. I remember Darrell handling the problems with love. I remember love with them. And because I was an adult I recall this more vividly than I do all the older stuff.

One thing about this trip is that I have noticed a big difference in people reacting to me. People in Tyler have no clue, not one iota of an idea of who I was. They see me have relatively normal problems at times. They know this and that. And I have talked about it. But they don’t know because they can’t without being there. But they know here. They see the miracle when they see me; they see the power of God. It is incredible. It builds my faith too. Sometimes in Tyler I feel like I am the lesser type because I don’t do this or have that. But I see that I am not. I have things people can’t see, but I have them. I have a victory and a testimony that means the world to me. I was a loser. I really was. I was seemingly hopeless. But God.

One of the best things about Darrell and Terry is that I did not feel I had to hold back with them. Spiritually I hold back with almost everyone now. Years ago now, I got sick and tried of hearing I was “too heavenly minded” or I was “unrealistic” or “expected too much” or should not expect “to be worshipping all the time” or WHATEVER. I got fed up and I shut down. I am still that person, but I stopped trying to find prayer partners and form meetings. I didn’t try to do certain things or even share certain things. I left it with God and my journal because no one wants to be shot down all the time. People don’t even realize they are doing it. Busy this and schedule that and the dork out there who wants to have prayer meetings is unrealistic. So I quit. Outside I quit. Inside I grieved. God did this awesome stuff and then I did not know what to do with it. I was sick of being hurt over spiritual things. Like I explained to Terry, spiritually is where I have experienced such purity, where I have not always in other areas, so I protect that like a mother bear. If I even suspect it is being attacked, I wall up and shut down. I do it to preserve my purity of expression for God. People can see it when I dance but that is about it now. Except today I held nothing back. I didn’t need to. The things they were saying were from the script in my heart. It was that same concept of my spirit dancing. I can’t explain this even though I have all these words about it. Terry said I made her week, but she doesn’t know yet what it did for me. She will though, when I write her. We are staying in touch. She whipped out her calendar and wrote me in for June. We both wanted to stay and talk forever. It was hard. If I had any idea I would have called earlier. I was driving into the Valley today wishing I had stayed at Pismo because at least it would have been spiritually productive and helpful. God is so wild! I managed to hit Macy’s for a shirt and shorts (at rock bottom prices--$16 for BOTH and the shorts are Ralph Lauren), but I did not do much. I stopped in Hollywood but left. I wanted to go to a newsstand and a trendy clothing store. But I tried to park in a public lot and the guy said it was reserved for a special Hollywood premiere. Whatever. I didn’t care, didn’t feeling like dealing with fakery when I had been revived in reality. I ended up just leaving. My heart was overwhelmed. One moment I am beaming and praising God; the next I am sobbing. To see this restoration and knitting of hearts is amazing—and absolutely heartbreaking to leave. It helps to know I can come back in a few months. Terry said to bring my streamers and tambourine and everything. I want to be there now; I want to share this new thing with my old pastors that I love so very much.

I don’t think I am going to stay in Tyler forever. I don’t know where I will end up but too much is happening that shows me that. In fact I heard something in my spirit today that I heard almost two weeks ago—word for word. It is one of those things you file away because you know something is happening but this is not the time.

Now, for the record NO I do NOT want to move to LA. I hate LA. I do NOT hate Santa Maria. I actually could imagine being there. I would love to enjoy that beauty, to get to know Carolyn as a great friend, to teach and minister in the pace where all of it happened for me. But I hate earthquakes. The cost of living is huge. And they are LAYING OFF teachers by the droves. So it is not something I would even consider. So that is not what I mean. But some of what I had happen here was like Pennsylvania in November that had me praying about going there. The fact that I even think seriously about it, that tells me there is more to it. I don’t know where or when. Probably it won’t even be on either coast! But I do really believe what I heard today that was a repeat, was the Lord and a clue of what was to come—a beginning. But I KNOW it is not for now. I will try to remember that as I return. Darrell and Terry and the church will remain in my prayers. I am committed to them that way.

But tomorrow I have to leave—actually it is midnight so make that today. I have to go back, drive through the desert to Dallas. I have to leave the life I found again. I don’t detest California anymore (even though I don’t like the Valley with all its ick!). I told Terry that I used to want to forget everything, my troubled past, the things I did wrong. I mean, hello, it is not exactly healthy to visit the hospital you were in after attempting suicide at age 14! But now I WANT to remember. Now it IS healthy, just like when I saw the hospital and realized it was someone else. To see the caterpillar reminds you of the miracle of a butterfly. I will consciously remember because now it has changed enough that the memories make me fall deeper in love with the God who delivered me from everything.

I will have a great trip back, even if I don’t want to go. I have the tapes of that amazing African pastor that will follow the ideas Darrell and Terry were sharing too. And I have something in me resurrected now.

Maybe my spiritual dreams are not so loony. Maybe I am just not in the right time or place—everyone expresses things differently, which is not bad at all. But Darrell and Terry are on my planet. They said things I have heard come out of my mouth but others gave me funny looks for when I tried to express. For once I am not the odd one. I fit right in. And that is the happiest saddest thing in the world right now.

I knew this trip was right. I knew I was supposed to be here. And now at the end I look back at remembered friendships, spiritual hope and all the combination of things today and I see why. This is the first non ministry trip I have taken in eons and yet it has ministered to more than any of them because this time it was personal. I decided I did not care about shopping today because I can do it when I am here in June (Can I see your house then, Carolyn (-: ?! ) And just watch, I will be a regular here. As long as what is happening at the church is going on, I intend to be a part of it as much as possible. It is so nice to not feel crazy.

My spirit danced again today. I think now it is doing grand jetes across the room.

3/12/03

Good things come to those who wait. I am so glad I came up here last night and went through zombie-land because tonight I have a fancy hotel room at a nice place out by LAX—for $32 base price when their lowest published price is over $120! I am still at Jenna’s doing laundry. I will load up soon. I have three boxes of books and the portrait to put in my packed Gracie. I will be heading down to the Valley in a bit and then if I have time I might check into my fancy hotel before I go to church tonight. What a treat. I am getting some great deals. This will be my last night in California. I am not happy about that. I am having the most wonderful time.

Well, I am off to get myself in gear and head to LA. I actually have not been in the city at all yet.

I miss the beach.

3/12/03—early hours

I begin this at a time I should be asleep. I had to fight to stay awake driving back. I finally decided to come back to Santa Clarita to Jenna’s tonight but to leave tomorrow and after church in North Hollywood, spend the night farther south. This will also allow me some extra sleep Thursday. I cannot drive home this sleepy, but I must maximize the time. So much happened inside me in Santa Maria that letting it go is a chore. Today was much more interesting than I envisioned. I had lunch with Carolyn, Tim and Shonda. The latter two were counselors at the runaway shelter I spent many weeks at when I was 13 and 14. Tim was there the night they brought me in (poor guy). I got some deeper insight into how I was. Seeing it all from an adult perspective is enlightening. Perhaps I will touch more on that later. I have them on tape saying that if I could be helped, anyone can. Ah, the testimony continues. Tim said something that was very close to home, but no one knew it. I won’t discuss it in here, but sometimes things haunt you forever. Even after you grow up and change, even after you repent and are forgiven—sin has natural consequences. It was a bizarre feeling.

I have really enjoyed being with Carolyn. It is a really interesting thing because I sensed something in her letters that remained in person. Some people write well and are not so great live; others are awesome live but don’t convey it well in writing. Some can write as they are; Carolyn is one of those. It was a spiritual thing. I think I first recognized it about 2 ½ weeks ago in a letter, just something she said, something spiritual. Something in my own spirit agreed with it. I went to bed right after reading it and was moved to pray in a way I had not in a while. There is probably more to this too. I am so tired I am fortunate to be coherent, but the phrase that comes to me is that my spirit seems to dance when I encounter the spirit in her. I am getting really deep into all my discernment and stuff, but I figure why not express it—can’t say much nicer about someone!

Speaking of nice people, I never saw Diane. I don’t think I ever will again. I had to let it go, and I did not like it, but sometimes it is time. Still, that was the only real sadness of my visit to Santa Maria.

After lunch with the therapy crowd (ha!), I had a bit of time before meeting Carolyn for dinner. I drove around to everywhere I had not yet been and shot video. I even made a list to be sure I covered it all. I went to the juvenile hall. I wanted to go in, but ironically, I wondered if they would kick me out! This time they would not want me. I shot my tape quickly because shooting video in a place that deals with legal issues and minors is risky. I went to my old 7-11 I grew up shopping in. I went to the park I used to write poems when I was 13 and barely starting to write. I went to my elementary school. I tried to cover it all. Except Diane.

I left Carolyn on North Broadway, down the road from King Falafel. I never had a falafel in Santa Maria, but I know a place in Van Nuys I will attempt to get to tomorrow. My agenda for the day is endless. I have to do some laundry and go running in the morning. I want to go to Hollywood and all over the southern part of the Valley. I am dying to visit a newsstand again. I did not realize there was so much I DO like about California, but I have found a lot. So far the traffic is actually BETTER than Tyler. That is enough to drive you mad. Of course I also had to fill up my gas tank again, $2.05 a gallon at a low priced Santa Barbara Shell. But gosh, that could be worth it to avoid the hideous, maddening traffic of Tyler. Tyler has no right to be that congested.

Anyway, I am going to the bookstore at Church on the Way to see if they have a tape of an awesome sermon I heard from there a couple weeks ago. And I want an outfit that is uniquely LA. Plus I want to see everything. I must do all this before about 6:30 when I need to be arriving at North Hollywood First Assembly for the first time in 8 years. Meanwhile it is the middle of the night practically, and I am still trying to book a hotel room for a reasonable price.

I got in late. When I stopped for gas in Santa Barbara, I also roamed the city. I wanted to go up and down State Street again. I almost stopped to shop a bit, but since I was falling asleep and was almost 2 hours from Jenna’s, I resisted. The drive back was much better than I imagined a foreign drive in the dark to be. Still, I did not get here until after midnight, and then there was NOWHERE to park. She lives in a half circle where many people parallel park and at night it is almost impossible to park. So there I am EXHAUSTED with bags of stuff and there is literally no parking for half a mile. I finally pulled in behind her garage and unloaded a couple things—my bag of clothes is in the car still; all I took was running clothes. I figured when I go running I can move the car and get the rest. I finished unloading just as security pulled up. I kept driving. I spotted a small space that seemed to be open. I relearned tight parallel parking and prayed it would be okay so close between other cars. Then I strolled down the street quite a ways and here I am.

I need to write more but I haven’t the energy. I am running on empty and the driving continues. Tomorrow my plans are all alone so if I need to collapse I can, but I won’t because time is precious.

3/11/03

It is 9:30 and I have been outside most of the time since 7. First I walked around the gazebo areas of the hotel which overlook the crags, tide smashing into the bottom. Singing every praise song that kept spontaneously appearing in me, I walked from one gazebo to the other. Then I got the camera and taped it. Then I got my Bible and devotional and went outside and sat and read that. It was a BIT cool initially but not bad. By the time I finished Bible reading I wanted to go to the beach and walk in the sand. I put on shorts and flip flops and drove a couple blocks down the street (I would have walked but I honestly had no idea where the entrance was and the walk is all on blacktop with no pedestrian areas). I found a beach and spent the next hour just in absolute AWE of it all. Does God really know how many grains of sand are on that beach? Do we have even a grain of a clue how awesome our God really is? I had some revelations in that area. Again I was thinking of the old me from when I lived here. Never did I drive to the beach. I never even drove. I was thinking back to all the times at the beach, in this area. Cook-outs and campfires, swimming and avoiding beach volleyball. Today I had the incongruous thought that I might LIKE to play beach volleyball. Why not? The rest of my life has changed.

No one knew how to deal with me then. They did not even know what was wrong with me. They just knew something was wrong. I saw that today too. I saw God holding on to me—getting me thorough til I could heal. I saw the precarious position I was in. I saw the war. I lived in a war. My young life should have killed me—at least mentally and spiritually if not physically. I should not by any accounts be a joyful, happy, relatively well adjusted human being. It should not be. But it is. But God. I saw Grace. I am in such awe of that. This old butterfly/new creation metaphor is still dancing around in me. I see that in a whole new way. About the only thing the same about the two is that one provided the framework to become the other. That is me. Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away and, behold, all things have become new. I did not see HOW new until this morning. I KNEW but I did not SEE. There is a difference. I thought about all the times I go to church and worship starts and I am dealing with such and such or I am hurting or I am annoyed or I just plain don’t feel like worshipping. Granted I do not struggle MUCH with not feeling like worshipping (this is Susan, give me a pair of dance shoes!), but I am still human! And today I thought: how could I not? In any of those situations all I should need to do is remember Susan the Caterpillar. And then how can praise not burst forth?

Maybe that is why I dance. Maybe that is because I am the butterfly flying. Maybe that is why today even had a dance breakthrough. I learned the beach is an excellent dance floor. No joke. I had a victory with grand jetes (the big leaps) and my body finally understood the concept my mind got a while ago! I can’t wait to practice more. I also did some pirouettes and that helped and I think I learned something that will help me with those. Those are the steps I am working on a lot lately and I think the beach even helped me dance. But as I wrote this I saw how amazing it was with this whole butterfly idea that I would suddenly get grand jetes. There is a girl at Shachah who does beautiful grand jetes and we say she looks like a butterfly. Maybe that is why I dance.

I wandered the beach in this state of mind. Finally I just sat a long time. I collected rocks and shells and even two big rocks to keep at home. When you visit creation, the best souvenirs are free.

At the end of it all I was absolutely consumed with peace. I am not ready to leave here and go be social. I could care less right now about going to Los Angeles. I am just not sure I won’t stay another night. I need water. I need to be near water and mountains all at once. I need to be consumed with this total peace more often.

3/11/03

I woke up at 5 after conking out just past 11:30. I can barely stay awake because sleep is so irrelevant right now. I want enough to function and that is it; I feel like to sleep in these moments is to waste time. I finally went back to sleep for maybe half an hour. Now it is light out and I could finally see out the window. It is all ocean. It is only a few minutes after 6, but I am staying up so I have hours to enjoy all this.

3/10/03

I cannot begin to process this day. It feels a bit like when overwhelming things happen and you just stand still. It is that chasm between reality and dreaming where you know something is, but you cannot fathom the depth that you know is there. The ocean is pretty but you know the levels it goes to even when you cannot grasp them fully.

I would need hours to write everything out and I will not get to enjoy my lovely room if I take hours to write. I am at a Best Western at the beach. It is 9:30 Monday night.

The last time I remember being at this beach, Julie and I took a Greyhound and “ran away” up here. We went to the bowling alley and were planning to see Flashdance. Someone came and picked us up first—a lady from church. We got in a lot of trouble. Of course I was to blame. In many ways I was because I was so strong. “Hey, Julie, let's run away to the beach,” I suggested. I was not an ordinary kid. This time I came to the beach the right way.

I can’t see the ocean well from here because it is dark, but I know where I will see it when I wake. I have a balcony, and I have opened the door so just the screen is open. I could not care less how cold it is. I want the sea breeze to be with me tonight.

Of course the weather is already incredible. One of my friends told me it is unusually nice. I informed her of my prayers! It is gorgeous. Today I spent the morning cruising down Highway 101 along the coast with worship music blaring and windows down. When I began in Santa Clarita the temperature was 75 through the inland areas. As I progressed west on 126 through Fillmore and Santa Paula, I noticed the temperature drop a bit. Suddenly I was just a few miles from the ocean and the temperature in my car had dropped nine degrees. It was all I could do not to speed onto the coastal highway early. By the time I hit the Ventura City Limits, where I entered the 101 I was practically racing toward the water. It was so beautiful. I must admit I never appreciated the immense beauty of the central coast Pacific Ocean, surrounded by the mountains. I grew up here. We went to the beach all the time. I was always on a car or a bus to Santa Barbara or LA; it was nothing to write home about. But now, almost 20 years later, it is something to blog home about.

I had serious God moments simply singing along as I drive down the coast. I could hardly believe where I was going. But before going to Santa Maria, I stopped in Santa Barbara., I needed gas. That was not fun—I paid something like $2.03 a gallon—and I got a deal in that city! But the funny thing is that I took the Bath Street exit. I remembered Bath because Cottage Hospital was on Bath. While I was roaming, I saw the gas station and filled up—and noticed I was right across from the Greyhound bus depot. I whirled the camera around. I lived at that bus depot. I was in and out of it so much. See, I never drove when I lived here so I have been all these places but never alone. Usually I saw the coast from the windows of a Greyhound, maybe a friend’s vehicle or church bus. Today was the first time I took that drive alone—alone with God. The bus depot stood like a Memorial Stone—and so did the hospital. I spent the weekend in ICU at Cottage Hospitals, but not from a disease. I overdosed when I was 14., It was about this time of year, March or April. I took 85 Norpramin that I stole from a person at a shelter where I was staying. I went to the garden benches at the Gottschalks Department Store and took the pills right in front of someone who most likely thought I was eating candy. I then stumbled through the mall sicker than anything and called an ambulance, realizing how scary it was. I remember that day still. And I went to Cottage Hospital on Bath Street in Santa Barbara. I saw that place today—there it was at the end of the road. And it looked small. Everything today looked so small. I taped the hospital and narrated a bit of that. And then as I drove off I just cried. I said, “It seems like I am talking about someone else because I would never on a million years do something like that.” The faithfulness of God is beyond what anyone who knows me now can imagine in my life. If I could show them what has happened and where I have been, if they could truly understand, we would have a revival. I have seen the mighty power of God—and today I saw it more fully. I did not get to see The Salvation Army or Juvenile Hall, but the memories lived. I was utterly amazed by the amount of memories I had in Santa Barbara. I only was there off and on a few months at age 14, but it shaped much of that time.

I called Carolyn as I was leaving. She is, of course, my former juvenile probation officer. We have recently been in touch again and it has been so neat to find that our spiritual places are so common. We met at a neat place at the mall and talked not long enough about our lives. It was so odd, sitting there with her like my buddy, but remembering the times that were not so buddyish. She did not tell me what happened the lat time I saw her but I think it involved me cussing her out before I moved away. Again, that seems like someone else because it is so far removed from me to be real. I have blocked out a lot of my adolescence. I remember big things, shaping incidents, but I have forgotten all these little things until they come back through a reminder by someone else. I think God has done that to help me. I never want to be 50 and have spent 25 years analyzing and rehashing the first 25. God has changed me. I am a new creation. But this week He is letting me view the old not to be sad or condemn myself, but to show His faithfulness. I think Carolyn was one of the main reasons I was supposed to come here, even though when I planned this I was not even in touch with her again. We wandered through the mall. I used to be a Mall Rat. I would spend hours a day hanging out there. It was rather pathetic. Then we went to a really neat dance store and I got to be the current me for a while, trying on dance clothes and exploring things. This was still a retrospective experience because the music in the store was from an oldies station and almost all the songs playing I remembered from growing up in Santa Maria. The owner had just come back from a dancewear show and had these cool new tights and she sold them to me even though they are not on the market—for about half the price of new tights. It was neat learning about the Santa Maria dance scene.

Next Carolyn drove me around Santa Maria and I taped my past. The runaway shelter, the high school, the probation/reform school, the awful apartments I lived in, the roads I walked miles on each week, the store I became a Pac Man champion at, the church that dismissed me and the one that accepted me, the falafel place—even some places she did not know I was taking in. The Holiday Motel was one. Some stories are too personal for blogs even, but my mom and I had a chapter there, too.

Eventually she had to pick up her daughter and I had to change and meet Jill at the Santa Maria Inn for dinner. I had wonderful friends who took me out to eat today! She dropped me at my car and I drove to an apartment I had not yet seen. 1007 West Orange. I was amazed at how awful it all looked. Then I went to Julie’s. I think her parents still live in the house on West Agnes. That house was the worst on the block. It was truly disgusting, and I wondered if it really could be theirs. The neighborhood was not like that, only their house. It was tragic if it was. The myriad of feelings inundating me, I realized I needed to find a place to change because I did not have time to drive up to the beach and check into my hotel. I remembered a great place to change: the college. Allan Hancock College was where I took my first college classes. I went straight to the music department where I spent a lot of time and changed in the restroom. More memories.

I knew Santa Maria had grown a lot, but the fact is, inside the town itself it hasn’t. Most of the growth is out by the freeway. Other than the work on the mall, which I had seen, it looked a lot like its old self—with some surprises. I mentioned it was small. Gasp. The town’s population is now just a few thousand short of Santa Barbara’s. I always saw Santa Barbara as the big city and us as the smaller one. My two great surprises were that neither is big. But everything looks large when you are a scared kid with no security or safety. My attitude was my protection. Everything was big because everything was an enemy.

So much about Santa Maria is like it was years ago. I realized that Tyler is actually prettier. I think I thought it was opposite. Also, Tyler is bigger even though the populations are about the same. It did not make me crazy or take me hours to drive across town here. And so far no traffic is more frustrating than Tyler! Wednesday when I do the Hollywood/San Fernando Valley trips we will reevaluate traffic.

Jill and I had a nice dinner. I forgot that tri-tip in a Santa Maria specialty. I asked the waiter about it and he commented that I was not from California was I? Marked already. It has been nice haring the accents. My speech is better of course because I pick up whatever I am around so I sound more Californian.

There is a lot of emotional and personal stuff I do not wish to share in a public blog. I don’t mean bad stuff, but just stirrings of my heart. Most are actually good. I am seeing so much, but it just doesn’t seem real yet. Did I really grow up here? Is the same person who did all that stuff living in my body now? But I think she is not. The into to my blog asks it a butterfly can return to its previous state as a caterpillar and maybe appreciate its transformed state more. I think the answer is yes. I think I know why the Bible says new creation and we always see butterflies as a symbol of that. See, it is not just some makeover that can be washed off with Noxzema at night. It is a truly new thing He does. If I have memories of these things, being in these places, then it must have been me. I know how to get everywhere in this town. I know the college and house numbers. I remember the police officer I kept encountering. So it was me. But it wasn’t. I lived in her body but I don’t know that girl I was because Jesus changed it all. I am hope that lives. If you knew all about me and could not see God, you would need scales removed from your eyes. People now cannot imagine me smoking, cussing, stealing from the mall, running away and rebelling. They cannot see me hating rules and lying to people. So they think I was always “good”—their teacher who is a prude. But I wasn’t. I saw the old house today too—another awful story—I am not a prude. I am a new creation who sees the value of purity. And that is a great difference.

Wow! God is awesome. I am loving this. I don’t want to leave tomorrow. I will be here all day but then I head back to LA. I want to stay in Santa Barbara suddenly, but it is monstrously expensive everywhere there. Wednesday night I am going to my old church and I wanted to stay overnight down south by the beach there because that is where David is. But I have two more hotels Thursday and Friday night too, so I better not. I love this room I am in now. It is an ANTI-dive. It is gorgeous. I asked for a late checkout. I love it. I want to stay a few days. I need to come back, but I wonder if I will.

Tomorrow is more adventure. I have another of my apartment to see. I have to have at least a taste of falafel. And I have a lunch date with at least one of the counselors from the runaway shelter. What reunions I am having. Thus far my attempts to reach Diane have been unsuccessful and I am greatly disappointed. To leave without seeing her will be a huge sadness in this trip. I might try her again in the morning. But I might give up. I might have to say good bye to Diane. She and Ron were so important to me. She was moreso then; I did not appreciate Ron as I do now. I hold them in such high esteem and respect. I want so much to see them. I did leave my cell number on their machine, but I said she did not have to call back long distance. I tried again. No fortune with it yet. Alas! A grief in the midst of the celebration.

Tomorrow I will have dinner with Carolyn again, and her husband. I will probably leave from there. The drive back to LA is not long but at night it will not be nearly as pretty, and in the dark it will be hard because that drive is pitch black. Who knows, I might give in and stay.

Well, this is my longest blog yet, but I knew it would be. You can’t relive your growing up years in half a page. Thank God I finally grew up. Oh, how I thank Him!

Between elk crossing and fruit inspections, it is a wonder I ever got here, but I am in the Los Angeles suburbs tonight. I am sleepy, yet I have so much to write. I didn’t even get a meal until 9 p.m. when I dragged Jenna to Coco’s and had a salad I did not even finish. I meant to have a snack later, but I am not hungry. Today was long but better. The drive proved almost as boring. It gets so monotonous that I fight closing my eyes. I did enjoy Flagstaff, though. The snowcapped mountains and remnants of snow on the ground were beautiful. I also roamed through Gallup, New Mexico on Route 66. That was neat. There were trains all over, riding on the sides of mountains.

Of course the signs in the southwest are a bit disconcerting. All over the place were signs warning of “elk crossing.” These were accompanied by deer warning signs. Further, there were signs about ice on high bridges, as well as steep slopes and rough roads. Finally there were numerous signs in the mountains warning to watch for falling rock. I decided that it was a good thing that big angel Helen saw sits on my car.

Today there was little of no fear factor. I enjoyed myself more. I played tourist a bit. I stopped at an Indian shop and bought turquoise earrings and tacky postcards. I also had some wonderful moments in my car with God. None was extremely long or filled with new revelation (yet),but they were powerful. Since leaving yesterday I have had some more powerful God times I have had in many many months. That is worth it in itself.

I fell in love with the mountains, as I did in Pennsylvania. I enjoyed the east coast more, but the Flagstaff area was so pretty. I realized must have nature to live. I must be outside and see trees. I especially love the contrast of valleys and mountains.

My body did not love it. My elevation today went from 8,000 feet to 449 feet. My nose itched and ached and my allergies went ballistic. Although I took a Claritin at night, I took an Allegra in the afternoon. It helped, but boy was I reacting. My lips seemed to instantly chapped. The temperature swayed almost 50 degrees at various parts of the day—a low of 38 and a high of 84 all in the same drive. I saw more of the desert than I needed to in a lifetime. I thought about Moses a lot. Who could spend 40 days in such a setting?

Flagstaff was a nice reprieve, but then I reentered the desert land for hours upon hours. Hitting the California border was exciting. I made it. Imagine my surprise as a sign demanded all vehicles pull over. I am used to weigh stations at borders for trucks, but this time the only way into CA is through a gate with an official standing there. The man was very nice and asked if I had brought any fruits or vegetables from Texas. I admitted I had an orange and some apples, oh, and a bag of carrots. He did not care about my bag of carrots but examined my orange and apples that my friend Lisa gave me for the trip. Apparently there were no fruit fly dangers or anything so I was allowed to keep my fruit. Welcome to California: the land of fruits and nuts.

And welcome to gas prices like you have never seen! GASP! I stopped 9 miles out of CA to get gas because I figured taxes alone would make them jump when I crossed the border. Indeed, at every place I saw it was over $2 for regular. Once I got this way, I saw it at one or two places for a low of $1.99. I still have gas so I have not paid more than 1.73 yet. But I know I will today. At one regular place up here the prices were 2.29, 2.39 and 2.49. I am more thankful than ever for my car. At my last checkpoint I got 41 mpg. That helps.

I never got lunch because I did my usual road trip antics. Every time I MEAN to stop I decided to go just a wee bit farther until I have passed all exits. Then I had the only truly bad driving experience of the day. After enduring miles of CA desert, which was far worse than AZ because it is more barren (try sometimes 35 miles between any signs of life at all, not even a lone gas station), I entered Barstow and left I-40 as it ended and joined I-15 south. My printed directions told me to take that to Victorville ( I had planned to eat lunch/dinner in Gallup, then Flagstaff, then Barstow, then Victorville) then get on another road toward Palmdale. While the directions were literally accurate, they did not expreess themselves well. I did not get lost but I was unsure for a time and then the hunger and tiredness and headache from car lights was settling in. The two lane highway droned on forever and the approaching headlights and occasional highways twists made it a bit daunting. I finally escaped after going through Palmdale—which I was supposed to bypass—and ended up on the 14. I saw a food sign—a Sizzler. I am CRAVING Sizzler. I exited and drove the lot but there was no Sizzler, just the sign. I headed back on the 14 and finally saw my exit. I figured I would hunt for a Sizzler here, eat and then come to Jenna’s. Instead I found Jenna’s more easily. She told me all the Sizzlers closed and the one they did have—the one I had tried to go to—burned down a month ago. So I had a salad at Cocos.

Now my time zones are mismashed and I want to finish blogging and sleep. I know there is more to say but it is not all coming to me right now. Tomorrow I am heading toward Santa Maria down the 101 coastline. I will see the Pacific of the first time in years. I am considering staying an extra night at the beach. Two nights so I can linger. Santa Maria is where I want to be. All I want to do here is basically get my things, traipse around Hollywood and the Valley, and go to my old church Wednesday night. So many memories are so alive right now. I will decide it all later. I will book the hotel again; the rate is still available. Susan needs the ocean.

But I also noted something else today in the desert. I saw an occasional flower bloom in the brown, dry wilderness. A purple or yellow mass would peek out from the harshness of the dry land, and I realized something. A flower blooming in the desert is so much more pretty that one flower blooming in a flower garden. In the desert it is a special treat, a lovely sight. In a flower garden it is merely ordinary. I want the old desert of my life to be only a flower that brings brightness to the harsh wilderness I once wandered in.

My 6 a.m. radar means 5 a.m. in New Mexico. Oh joy. I decided to force myself to sleep a bit longer and it worked. Now it is 6 a.m. Mountain time and I am up. I plan to be on the road early—that means very little driving in the dark. YAY! I am not going to linger here writing. I am going to exercise a little—some sit ups and ballet stretches will help. Then I am going to shower, read my Bible and get in gear. I hope to be en route by 7:30 local time, which will mean 6 a.m. PST. At some point today I am wandering around Route 66 on foot. Not only will that allow me to stretch, but I have been enchanted by the old US highway for years. I am doing so much better simply by it being morning. And the fact is, in the end, it will all be a part of the adventure. It might be easier to sit at home and sleep during spring break, but this is way more valuable. I believe in living life as much as you can NOW. Nothing is more maddening at times than SOMEDAYS. Today is someday. Live!

I think it is 11p.m. When you cross time zones it is hard to be sure. I never saw a sign that informed me of a change when I arrived in New Mexico, so I was not sure if it had. But the hotel room clock is an hour earlier than my computer clock. So I guess I did. What a day! I need the extra hour.

My day began late—I did not leave til 9 a.m. Then I lingered a bit longer than I intended in Norman, OK with Kirsten because I was having a nice time. The next thing I knew I was on I-40 having a terrible realization. I had made it as far as Oklahoma and the next major city I would hit would be Amarillo—TEXAS! Gasp! The knowledge that in more than 200 miles I would be back in Texas where I started this morning was rather discouraging. The drive was not fun. It was hard to have an adventure when my back hurt and the interstate seemed endless. The Panhandle is about as attractive as West Texas, if you ask me. Actually it half resembled West Texas and half resembled Mars. In one section there were these piles of stuff—dirt maybe?—on the land with crevices in them. Of course it was brown. The western part of Texas knows no other color. They looked like something from outer space. Perhaps that is why I felt so isolated.

I did not hit New Mexico until 9 or so. I was delighted to see the state line. I was also delighted to switch from the Texas night speed limit of 65 to the all the time New Mexico speed limit of 75. What a difference that made! Of course it is also more dangerous to drive 75. I discovered this when I saw a huge tire right in my path in the dark. I veered and praise God there was an exit ramp to the right of me and I happened to see the tire in time to move to the side. I spent the next several minutes in deep gratitude and praise to God for helping me. This was not merely a small piece of a tire but almost a whole round one, waiting to kill someone. My friend Helen emailed this morning that when she was praying she saw a big angel over my car. I met that angel tonight. (I’m not kidding.)

No other close calls—unless you count almost falling asleep several times. I don’t mean I was literally going to close my eyes, but from around 4:30 on I was so tired I could hardly imagine making it here. And harder still was the knowledge that it was only day one. And I wanted to DRIVE to the worship conference in Vermont this summer? OY! I could not get comfortable. I called someone to chat outside Amarillo and my phone cut us off four times. After passing through Amarillo I was on an analog signal all the way to Albuquerque and it was not even in my phone company’s service area. It is now on digital, but not in the service area which means delayed billing that affects later bills. The great technological mystery of the night was how I could only get an analog cell signal and no towers from my own company yet I have been listening to KNX 1070 News Radio out of Los Angeles since entering New Mexico. Some things defy logic.

So I left at 9 a.m. CST and arrived at 11:30 p.m. CST with a 1 ½ hour break. I drove about 13 hours today. Tomorrow I will go all the way to the Los Angeles suburbs where my friend lives. It will help if I get on the road earlier, but I am so tired that I am not sure how realistic that is. Also, I absolutely HAVE to see Route 66. I am right here on it and I have to explore a bit. You can’t take a road trip down I-40 and ignore the road that made the road trip famous.

I never even stopped for dinner. I looked for a place near my hotel but couldn’t find one that had food I would eat. Instead I rummaged through my food bags. I ate a mini bag of Baked Lays, three pieces of beef jerky and a Pria nutrition bar and called it dinner. I wanted to run or something in the a.m. but I am not in a great locale for that. My hotel is just short of a dive—and I got the last room because I had a reservation. The sheets are clean and so is the room, as well as it can be, but it is just old and worn. I am glad I am only sleeping here. For $30 I guess I got my money’s worth.

I think it is very pretty where I am. It was so absolutely pitch black that I had to drive with my brights on on the interstate even at times when cars were on the other side. They were not head on so it didn’t help, and I could not see a blooming thing, you know, like the shape of the road. But I saw outlines of high cliffs around me. I know I am not far from ski resorts, so I bet it is really pretty and morning will make all the difference.

It has been a hard drive. Besides the aches and sleepiness—and just plain boredom at times from being in a confined space—I was battling a bit of fear. That is a subject best dealt with later. And I battled, so that is what matters. Those were some of my closest God moments this trip so that was nice. But it is not like me to feel this way on a road trip. Sometimes the ANTICIPATION does, but not the act. I think some is the distance I am traveling. I also wondered if some was where I am going. Does it raise old feelings? I guess facing ghosts does. And I am seeing lots of shadows the closer I get. How can some ancient history seem like yesterday? I will cast those ghosts far away. Still, it was not fun. I expect tomorrow will be much better.

Well, I am going to read a brochure on part of New Mexico I will pass through in about 140 miles. I am off exit 167, so I have 167 miles of NM plus all of AZ and then the CA miles to be there. I have logged around 900 miles today. Between my 1st and second gas stop, when I was driving only I-40, sometimes 65 and sometimes 75, I got just over 39 mpg—the best I have ever had. That was nice. I went about 400 miles before filling up. That helps.

Gas prices are higher. I have paid 1.59 and then 1.64. They rise as I go west, of course. For now, though, the only place I want to go is bed. Sleep is my friend.

I think I have 6 a.m. radar. I must be getting old. It seems like all the older people I know wake up naturally in the early hours. Not that 6 is that early, but my body thinks it is. I slept well and am about to eat breakfast. I had an urge to say “fixin’ to eat breakfast.” Perhaps this is a last ditch effort to appreciate my Texas culture since I am about to depart from it for the West. It is now 6:30 and I am, arguably, awake. I am going to get myself in gear. The drive begins this morning.

Night one: I am only in Quitman, but I have left so it counts. My car is a suitcase containing my life. Big bags, little bags, snack bags. I even have a dance bag in there because I will return straight to dance class. Life on the road begins when I can drag myself from this cozy bed at my best friend’s house and get in gear. I will probably depart around 8:30—a bit late, but I would rather be conscious. I will stop and have lunch with my friend Kirsten, outside Oklahoma City, and then head straight into Albuquerque where I have TWO hotel rooms booked. That is a whole other story, but it will be fine.

My friend says I am wired. I suppose I am. The video camera is charging on her floor. I am ready. I am ready to see this side of the country. It is the side I hated. I never wanted to go back. It was all bad memories and bad choices and just plain bad. But when God gets something it turns around. I can’t wait to see it.

I paid 1.47 for gas outside Tyler. That was good. Tomorrow is the official day one of the journey. I have everything I need for the time being. I just took an allergy pill. Now I remember what I don’t like about spring. I opened the window to sleep. Finally, fresh air that doesn’t have to be heated; in fact, I am hot. I wore shorts and drove with my windows down. The sun stayed out and the light seemed brighter, sharper, more hopeful. It seems a sign of the days to come.

(Hello to the beautiful Leah, my wonderful student!)