3/21/03

I don’t know if anyone is reading this anymore. I miss writing in it. But I don’t miss that as much as I miss Darrell and Terry. Tuesday Terry and I talked for a long time—we talked about God forever, and we prayed. I hung up and cried again. How do you find what you dream of and live so far from it? The anointing is so great I can hardly stand at times. And that is NOT my nature at all. No, I guess it is God’s. My mind is reeling, my hopes are soaring, my dreams are flailing and I am asking God for hints into the next chapter. I booked my ticket. Terry actually prayed for me to get a good deal I could afford because my desire was more of God in this. (She is hearing the deep cries of my heart well because they are a lot like hers.) Praise God for my extra job that even made it a possibility. And that night a new fare popped up. One fare on one airline. $171 for a RT ticket to LA! That is unheard of. I leave in three weeks. It is not soon enough for me. My only question is how hard will it be this time to come home. This time when I go with my streamers and tambourine… this time when I go knowing and expecting up front—how hard will it be? God is doing something. He must be because what is in me is too strong. It is almost bittersweet. Most of the time I am high and the rest I am longing, even weeping for the full manifestation of the vision contained inside me for so many years. I feel this close but so far.

I can’t wait. I am practicing my tambourine every day. Suddenly it matters. I have learned almost all the first part now. I still have lots of work but my goal is to be able to show it to Darrell and Terry--who want to know about all this too--in April, even if I need a bit of help—but to know it WELL by June.

I get up at 5 on work mornings now to have them not only to read my Bible and pray but to dance and practice tambourine. I need more time, but 5 is pushing it. I have been great on little sleep, but I did crash last night and am rather tired tonight. I have been reading Song of Solomon—one of my least favorite books before the dance. The dance is coming together well. It is like I suddenly have a focus and a goal that has been lacking. And last night in ballet class I danced better than ever. It was like I was even more anointed from all the practicing of the worship dance. Before it felt like something I liked and cared about but almost useless to my everyday life. Now it matters. Now it is needed. Now it is important I know this stuff. I can see the vision clearer even if I don’t know where it is leading.

I will continue to write. Perhaps it won’t be every day, but I need to keep this up. I feel like I stopped it en medias res--in the middle, so I must see it through until I know the rest of the immediate puzzle.

I change the title to add “Continued” at the end, but I left “Susan’s Road Trip.” I realized it is still a road trip, but after my experience in LA, the road changed from a literal road to a metaphorical one. But it is still a road trip and the journey is continuing…