3/30/03

March is ending and it has proved the most pivotal month of my life in eons. The changes that have begun are limitless in their potential results. That is about all I dare say now. The truth is, I am dreaming so big that I am almost scared I will wake up. Sometimes it gets to me; I think, can this be real? Can it? I will know soon. And then I will have a wait after I know to know more. So I am only on the opening steps of the journey. What an important month of my life. I end this month with more friends than I began with. I do not make friends easily. I make acquaintances easily, but not friends. But I have made old friends again, Carolyn, Darrell and Terry and Lisa have all reentered my life. If that was all that happened in March it would be monumental. But that was the tip of it all.

Tonight I sit here after a long dance weekend. Fact is, I am a bit worn down. Like last weekend I was exhausted half the weekend. I fell asleep at Anna and Theo’s (Shachah ministry people I stayed with on this trip) at 7, woke up a bit and fell asleep again until 6 a.m. I thought that was great, but then I got home and took a nap before church! YIKES! I decided this morning that ministry is just plain hard. You have to be at your best, be there early, stay late and give it your all. I can’t imagine doing it if it were not a complete calling. I love it though. I love it all. I especially love that blasted tambourine that has caused me so much heartache. I got to play it again this morning. As with every time I get to play, I usually solidify a pattern I sort of knew. Today it was two! Combat and Praise are now mine. I actually played like I knew what I was doing! It is getting easier. I am learning.

I told Aunty Magrate all about LA and what God did and the church. She wants to go there. I knew she would. It is her kind of place. This morning Pastor Michael asked me which guy I met in LA, too. My goodness. At least I seem to look and sound like a person in love.

I am reading a GREAT book by Mike Bickle I would not have glanced at a few months ago, The Pleasures of Loving God. It is about the bridegroom romance.

Tonight this romantic warrior is a bit scared. I am at a place in myself I am certain about and think I hear God on. What I am afraid of is if I am wrong. I will find out soon enough, but I hate finding things out the hard way. I need the confirmation. So tonight even in my deep state of passion, I wrestle with a bit of fear. It is all too new to be reality in the depths of me yet.

I came home from ministering in Plano and played a bit with my new flags. I would have been content with old ones, but my old ones were stolen—either at my church or one I worshipped at. How tacky is that! But that left me flag-less. So I went to Shachah’s website to compare ones I wanted and decide so when I went Saturday I could buy. I narrowed it down to three in the designer category The ones I liked a lot were even more expensive but I found two others. One I added at the last minute because suddenly I thought they looked cool—almost like fire which is what I had sort of had in my mind while I was there. So I took the printouts to Robin’s and was asking her to help me decide. She oohed and aahed over all of them because she loves them too. Then she talked about something else and I said “wait—help me decide!” And she looked at them and said “I already have” and pointed to the one new pair “Those, and I am buying them for you,” She said! I know her, and I knew that was God. She said “I’m investing in your ministry.” She is the first one. In all the time I have been with Shachah, I have paid for everything out of my own pocket. But it is worth it because of what it was. So it touched me even more because of that. It was so special. Then I went to Shachah the next day and I knew they would have to make them. They usually have to sew everything after it is ordered, but they have the pieces around. So I was telling Aunty about LA and then about Robin and the flags and what a blessing it was. When she heard they did not have any made, she offered to sew them for me right then so I did not even have to wait a week. So these flags are so special because Robin bought them and Aunty sewed them.

Then I had the kids’ dance team tonight. We are supposed to do a dance next Sunday night. Oh yeah, sure, let me throw together some choreography, though I have barely choreographed—and teach it to a big group of kids! But God! I decided to do half the song and have the other half be prophetic. Well, those kids know the whole choreographed part and I made all but the chorus up AS WE PRACTICED. I used to be amazed by people who could choreograph, but it is really starting to come to me, so I know God has done a major work in me in that too. This is the second dance in a month and it is not hard anymore. I know it is not brilliant, but it is working. It was awesome to see the kids do it.

So now I stop dancing and go back to work. I don’t want to. I want to own a dance studio or something so I can spend all day around it! WOW! But I work both day and night tomorrow. My only dancing time will be at 5 a.m. when I roll out of bed.

It is freezing again—still. I can’t stand it. In two days it will be April and my heat is on full blast and not even warming me.

It was another Sunday in North Hollywood without me. I did enjoy myself this morning, especially that tambourine, but I still thought about my other church. Only two weeks and I will get to worship with them. If only we could stop time then. There has got to be an answer.