3/12/03

I am so glad God shook up my schedule today. Oh yeah, sure, shopping in the Valley and then down to Hollywood and maybe even the beach. Relax, be free. No plans, no people. Run by church tonight and see Darrell and Terry. God is so much smarter than I. Today was INCREDIBLE. I can’t stop crying. Half is because it is so wonderful; half is because it is so hard to go away and leave what I found today. The good news is I will be back the third week of June. So let’s backtrack—if I can possibly do it justice in this document.

It is 11p.m. (I don’t really sleep anymore; I just live.)I am on the 10th floor of my nice hotel—we won’t discuss the parking and phone call charges. If I were not so elated I would probably be more annoyed, but nothing can ruin the joy. I was still tired when I drove into the Valley. I got some tapes at the Church on the Way of that awesome man I heard there a couple weeks ago—and I found a wonderful book on postmodernism and a Christians response that I imagine will be the basis of a lot of my future writing. Then I was not sure what I wanted to do next. It kept occurring to me that maybe I should go by the church during the day because then I could talk to Darrell a bit and possibly he could even call Terry and I could go over there. So I finally decided to do that. Instead of wearing the cute little church outfit, I just gave up, looked decent and took off. Darrell was not there but would be soon so I went and got lunch and came back. That is when everything started.

Darrell was the youth pastor at my old church. He was very good to me even though I was a mess. He anonymously paid for me (I found out years later) to go on a mission’s trip to New York even though I was likely to not be fun to be with. He forgave me for some awful, juvenile stuff I did with a couple of the girls I was friends with at the time. He even later let me work with the youth group, knowing I was not perfect but had a heart for it. Darrell and Terry were so great about always loving me, even if I was unlovable.

After I left, I heard he had become senior pastor and heard great things about the church. It had become very integrated and just different. But I did not know a whole lot and when you don’t talk to people for eight years, things fade. Debbie gave me the web site and I have occasionally looked at it. The last time I did a few weeks ago I saw pictures of a joint service with the Filipino congregation—I saw dancing and major stuff I had never seen there. I saw something special in the pictures and was in awe even then. Today I knew why.

Darrell and I sat down and talked like it was normal to be there. He was beaming, gushing with excitement about what God is doing at the church after all these years. They went through agony—people walking out on them because they wanted to keep tradition. Darrell and Terry are not the traditional religious types (praise God!). Well, there is a lot of stuff in between, but the essence is that this church is so on fire. The people God is using are the ones least likely to be used by normal church standards. And it is awesome. The church is filled with banners and tambourines, the worship is alive and un "programmed.” And the services sometimes go til 1:30 or 2 now. This is my old church, and that is so far from how it was that only God could do this. But they are willing. Darrell is so humble and gave all the glory to God. Not many pastors would do what he has done the past few years. We had an awesome talk and we were both just on fire talking because we could tell that our views, our hearts, were at the same place. He would say stuff and I would agree and then I would and he knew what I meant too. I did not have to tell him this and that about my life since I left for him to instantly see how changed I was. He said he could see it. I could not believe how much of the same wavelength we were on. I told him I want CDs of all his sermons. I want to follow this promise God is carrying out in them. I longed to be there. As happy as I am and as much as I love my church at home, the dream is so similar. I could not believe what I was hearing. He said he would take me back in a second. Too bad I hate California. Or do I?

Then he got on the phone and called Terry. He put me on the phone and made her guess who it was. Once she figured it out she was happy and shocked. I honestly did not expect such WONDERFUL reactions from both of them. I was not even sure they would want to see me all that badly. Boy was I wrong! So I went up to her house. By this time of day my plans had me buying out half of Sherman Oaks and here I was lucky to have eaten lunch!

I drove up to Sunland and Terry was sitting outside of her adorable home. Darrell said I would recognize it instantly because it is fru-fru-ey. Yeah, and gorgeous.. What happened after that was the best part of it all. It was like the second we saw each other our friendship was reborn. We hugged each other like sisters. She said I made her WEEK by showing up. She took me inside and gave me a super quick house tour so she could talk to me instead. My kind of person—get rid of all the small talk! Darrell had not told her anything about how I was now. But it didn’t take long. When I told her about dance and stuff, it was wild because that is what has recently broken out in their church, but then here I am, involved in all this. It was amazing.

So we talked—Terry cried because she was so encouraged, she said. I cried to listen to the way God is moving in their church, to hear of the things happening. I can hardly stand to not ride with them in this. And the absolutely weird thing about it all is God has used a couple in their lives who pastor also, and it had started there. I asked where they pastored when Darrell was telling me the awesome stories (miracles, spontaneous worship services in public hotels, etc!). The other couple is in Arroyo Grande, just 15 minutes from Santa Maria and right next to Pismo Beach. That blew me away. Both couples, both churches both homes of mine. Whoa!

Terry and I talked as long as we could, taking it all in. Eventually we both had to go. She hugged me and said “I don’t want to let you go.” I laughed and said “that is not something I hear often!” And then just as Darrell had done, she said “ I just have to pray with you before you go.” And we prayed, standing in her kitchen holding hands and touching the heavens with the same hearts. We were in awe that in 9 years, 1300 miles apart, God was doing the same things. We both want me to be able to come to a Sunday service. I have to. Suddenly we realized that I could not just pop in for an afternoon. So I decided right then that I am coming out on my two week break in June. Period. I can’t explain it but I have to be here. I can make it for two Sundays before I have to be back in Tyler, then Vermont. In between I can also go back to Santa Maria and see Carolyn (who might be seeing this for the first time in here if I have not sent a personal email yet!) and that is exciting too. But I am going. People in CA reading this, mark late June because wild horses can’t keep me away. Terry said I am to stay nowhere else in LA but with them—that I have a place anytime I want one. This was not just a quick catch up. It was friendship being reborn. It was so awesome. I cannot explain that but I think we both felt like if we did not have to go we would have sat there and prayed all night or something. The bond was just there. I do NOT want to leave. I am not kidding. I can’t STAND the San Fernando Valley. As I drove down today I was grossed out by the smog and the ugly areas. But after seeing Darrell and Terry I want to be right here.

When I left Darrell, he also prayed for me. It was so special. What an awesome pastor he is. Amazing. I got in my car and cried half the way to Sunland. I thanked God for Darrell and Terry and what was happening. And I cried out to God the whole time. I kept saying “Oh, God. Oh God” but I didn’t know what else to say or even what I was trying to say. Then I cried and cried. The same things happened when I left Terry. And that was even more special because it was like a sister. I love them so very much. I always did. I remember and appreciate when people treat me well when don’t deserve it. That was the things with Carolyn and some others too. Anyone can love a lovable person, but only the special ones love the unlovable. The stories were major. I was a mess there and they knew it. I remember Terry sitting on the phone with me repeatedly. I remember Darrell handling the problems with love. I remember love with them. And because I was an adult I recall this more vividly than I do all the older stuff.

One thing about this trip is that I have noticed a big difference in people reacting to me. People in Tyler have no clue, not one iota of an idea of who I was. They see me have relatively normal problems at times. They know this and that. And I have talked about it. But they don’t know because they can’t without being there. But they know here. They see the miracle when they see me; they see the power of God. It is incredible. It builds my faith too. Sometimes in Tyler I feel like I am the lesser type because I don’t do this or have that. But I see that I am not. I have things people can’t see, but I have them. I have a victory and a testimony that means the world to me. I was a loser. I really was. I was seemingly hopeless. But God.

One of the best things about Darrell and Terry is that I did not feel I had to hold back with them. Spiritually I hold back with almost everyone now. Years ago now, I got sick and tried of hearing I was “too heavenly minded” or I was “unrealistic” or “expected too much” or should not expect “to be worshipping all the time” or WHATEVER. I got fed up and I shut down. I am still that person, but I stopped trying to find prayer partners and form meetings. I didn’t try to do certain things or even share certain things. I left it with God and my journal because no one wants to be shot down all the time. People don’t even realize they are doing it. Busy this and schedule that and the dork out there who wants to have prayer meetings is unrealistic. So I quit. Outside I quit. Inside I grieved. God did this awesome stuff and then I did not know what to do with it. I was sick of being hurt over spiritual things. Like I explained to Terry, spiritually is where I have experienced such purity, where I have not always in other areas, so I protect that like a mother bear. If I even suspect it is being attacked, I wall up and shut down. I do it to preserve my purity of expression for God. People can see it when I dance but that is about it now. Except today I held nothing back. I didn’t need to. The things they were saying were from the script in my heart. It was that same concept of my spirit dancing. I can’t explain this even though I have all these words about it. Terry said I made her week, but she doesn’t know yet what it did for me. She will though, when I write her. We are staying in touch. She whipped out her calendar and wrote me in for June. We both wanted to stay and talk forever. It was hard. If I had any idea I would have called earlier. I was driving into the Valley today wishing I had stayed at Pismo because at least it would have been spiritually productive and helpful. God is so wild! I managed to hit Macy’s for a shirt and shorts (at rock bottom prices--$16 for BOTH and the shorts are Ralph Lauren), but I did not do much. I stopped in Hollywood but left. I wanted to go to a newsstand and a trendy clothing store. But I tried to park in a public lot and the guy said it was reserved for a special Hollywood premiere. Whatever. I didn’t care, didn’t feeling like dealing with fakery when I had been revived in reality. I ended up just leaving. My heart was overwhelmed. One moment I am beaming and praising God; the next I am sobbing. To see this restoration and knitting of hearts is amazing—and absolutely heartbreaking to leave. It helps to know I can come back in a few months. Terry said to bring my streamers and tambourine and everything. I want to be there now; I want to share this new thing with my old pastors that I love so very much.

I don’t think I am going to stay in Tyler forever. I don’t know where I will end up but too much is happening that shows me that. In fact I heard something in my spirit today that I heard almost two weeks ago—word for word. It is one of those things you file away because you know something is happening but this is not the time.

Now, for the record NO I do NOT want to move to LA. I hate LA. I do NOT hate Santa Maria. I actually could imagine being there. I would love to enjoy that beauty, to get to know Carolyn as a great friend, to teach and minister in the pace where all of it happened for me. But I hate earthquakes. The cost of living is huge. And they are LAYING OFF teachers by the droves. So it is not something I would even consider. So that is not what I mean. But some of what I had happen here was like Pennsylvania in November that had me praying about going there. The fact that I even think seriously about it, that tells me there is more to it. I don’t know where or when. Probably it won’t even be on either coast! But I do really believe what I heard today that was a repeat, was the Lord and a clue of what was to come—a beginning. But I KNOW it is not for now. I will try to remember that as I return. Darrell and Terry and the church will remain in my prayers. I am committed to them that way.

But tomorrow I have to leave—actually it is midnight so make that today. I have to go back, drive through the desert to Dallas. I have to leave the life I found again. I don’t detest California anymore (even though I don’t like the Valley with all its ick!). I told Terry that I used to want to forget everything, my troubled past, the things I did wrong. I mean, hello, it is not exactly healthy to visit the hospital you were in after attempting suicide at age 14! But now I WANT to remember. Now it IS healthy, just like when I saw the hospital and realized it was someone else. To see the caterpillar reminds you of the miracle of a butterfly. I will consciously remember because now it has changed enough that the memories make me fall deeper in love with the God who delivered me from everything.

I will have a great trip back, even if I don’t want to go. I have the tapes of that amazing African pastor that will follow the ideas Darrell and Terry were sharing too. And I have something in me resurrected now.

Maybe my spiritual dreams are not so loony. Maybe I am just not in the right time or place—everyone expresses things differently, which is not bad at all. But Darrell and Terry are on my planet. They said things I have heard come out of my mouth but others gave me funny looks for when I tried to express. For once I am not the odd one. I fit right in. And that is the happiest saddest thing in the world right now.

I knew this trip was right. I knew I was supposed to be here. And now at the end I look back at remembered friendships, spiritual hope and all the combination of things today and I see why. This is the first non ministry trip I have taken in eons and yet it has ministered to more than any of them because this time it was personal. I decided I did not care about shopping today because I can do it when I am here in June (Can I see your house then, Carolyn (-: ?! ) And just watch, I will be a regular here. As long as what is happening at the church is going on, I intend to be a part of it as much as possible. It is so nice to not feel crazy.

My spirit danced again today. I think now it is doing grand jetes across the room.