3/11/03

It is 9:30 and I have been outside most of the time since 7. First I walked around the gazebo areas of the hotel which overlook the crags, tide smashing into the bottom. Singing every praise song that kept spontaneously appearing in me, I walked from one gazebo to the other. Then I got the camera and taped it. Then I got my Bible and devotional and went outside and sat and read that. It was a BIT cool initially but not bad. By the time I finished Bible reading I wanted to go to the beach and walk in the sand. I put on shorts and flip flops and drove a couple blocks down the street (I would have walked but I honestly had no idea where the entrance was and the walk is all on blacktop with no pedestrian areas). I found a beach and spent the next hour just in absolute AWE of it all. Does God really know how many grains of sand are on that beach? Do we have even a grain of a clue how awesome our God really is? I had some revelations in that area. Again I was thinking of the old me from when I lived here. Never did I drive to the beach. I never even drove. I was thinking back to all the times at the beach, in this area. Cook-outs and campfires, swimming and avoiding beach volleyball. Today I had the incongruous thought that I might LIKE to play beach volleyball. Why not? The rest of my life has changed.

No one knew how to deal with me then. They did not even know what was wrong with me. They just knew something was wrong. I saw that today too. I saw God holding on to me—getting me thorough til I could heal. I saw the precarious position I was in. I saw the war. I lived in a war. My young life should have killed me—at least mentally and spiritually if not physically. I should not by any accounts be a joyful, happy, relatively well adjusted human being. It should not be. But it is. But God. I saw Grace. I am in such awe of that. This old butterfly/new creation metaphor is still dancing around in me. I see that in a whole new way. About the only thing the same about the two is that one provided the framework to become the other. That is me. Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away and, behold, all things have become new. I did not see HOW new until this morning. I KNEW but I did not SEE. There is a difference. I thought about all the times I go to church and worship starts and I am dealing with such and such or I am hurting or I am annoyed or I just plain don’t feel like worshipping. Granted I do not struggle MUCH with not feeling like worshipping (this is Susan, give me a pair of dance shoes!), but I am still human! And today I thought: how could I not? In any of those situations all I should need to do is remember Susan the Caterpillar. And then how can praise not burst forth?

Maybe that is why I dance. Maybe that is because I am the butterfly flying. Maybe that is why today even had a dance breakthrough. I learned the beach is an excellent dance floor. No joke. I had a victory with grand jetes (the big leaps) and my body finally understood the concept my mind got a while ago! I can’t wait to practice more. I also did some pirouettes and that helped and I think I learned something that will help me with those. Those are the steps I am working on a lot lately and I think the beach even helped me dance. But as I wrote this I saw how amazing it was with this whole butterfly idea that I would suddenly get grand jetes. There is a girl at Shachah who does beautiful grand jetes and we say she looks like a butterfly. Maybe that is why I dance.

I wandered the beach in this state of mind. Finally I just sat a long time. I collected rocks and shells and even two big rocks to keep at home. When you visit creation, the best souvenirs are free.

At the end of it all I was absolutely consumed with peace. I am not ready to leave here and go be social. I could care less right now about going to Los Angeles. I am just not sure I won’t stay another night. I need water. I need to be near water and mountains all at once. I need to be consumed with this total peace more often.