3/12/03—early hours

I begin this at a time I should be asleep. I had to fight to stay awake driving back. I finally decided to come back to Santa Clarita to Jenna’s tonight but to leave tomorrow and after church in North Hollywood, spend the night farther south. This will also allow me some extra sleep Thursday. I cannot drive home this sleepy, but I must maximize the time. So much happened inside me in Santa Maria that letting it go is a chore. Today was much more interesting than I envisioned. I had lunch with Carolyn, Tim and Shonda. The latter two were counselors at the runaway shelter I spent many weeks at when I was 13 and 14. Tim was there the night they brought me in (poor guy). I got some deeper insight into how I was. Seeing it all from an adult perspective is enlightening. Perhaps I will touch more on that later. I have them on tape saying that if I could be helped, anyone can. Ah, the testimony continues. Tim said something that was very close to home, but no one knew it. I won’t discuss it in here, but sometimes things haunt you forever. Even after you grow up and change, even after you repent and are forgiven—sin has natural consequences. It was a bizarre feeling.

I have really enjoyed being with Carolyn. It is a really interesting thing because I sensed something in her letters that remained in person. Some people write well and are not so great live; others are awesome live but don’t convey it well in writing. Some can write as they are; Carolyn is one of those. It was a spiritual thing. I think I first recognized it about 2 ½ weeks ago in a letter, just something she said, something spiritual. Something in my own spirit agreed with it. I went to bed right after reading it and was moved to pray in a way I had not in a while. There is probably more to this too. I am so tired I am fortunate to be coherent, but the phrase that comes to me is that my spirit seems to dance when I encounter the spirit in her. I am getting really deep into all my discernment and stuff, but I figure why not express it—can’t say much nicer about someone!

Speaking of nice people, I never saw Diane. I don’t think I ever will again. I had to let it go, and I did not like it, but sometimes it is time. Still, that was the only real sadness of my visit to Santa Maria.

After lunch with the therapy crowd (ha!), I had a bit of time before meeting Carolyn for dinner. I drove around to everywhere I had not yet been and shot video. I even made a list to be sure I covered it all. I went to the juvenile hall. I wanted to go in, but ironically, I wondered if they would kick me out! This time they would not want me. I shot my tape quickly because shooting video in a place that deals with legal issues and minors is risky. I went to my old 7-11 I grew up shopping in. I went to the park I used to write poems when I was 13 and barely starting to write. I went to my elementary school. I tried to cover it all. Except Diane.

I left Carolyn on North Broadway, down the road from King Falafel. I never had a falafel in Santa Maria, but I know a place in Van Nuys I will attempt to get to tomorrow. My agenda for the day is endless. I have to do some laundry and go running in the morning. I want to go to Hollywood and all over the southern part of the Valley. I am dying to visit a newsstand again. I did not realize there was so much I DO like about California, but I have found a lot. So far the traffic is actually BETTER than Tyler. That is enough to drive you mad. Of course I also had to fill up my gas tank again, $2.05 a gallon at a low priced Santa Barbara Shell. But gosh, that could be worth it to avoid the hideous, maddening traffic of Tyler. Tyler has no right to be that congested.

Anyway, I am going to the bookstore at Church on the Way to see if they have a tape of an awesome sermon I heard from there a couple weeks ago. And I want an outfit that is uniquely LA. Plus I want to see everything. I must do all this before about 6:30 when I need to be arriving at North Hollywood First Assembly for the first time in 8 years. Meanwhile it is the middle of the night practically, and I am still trying to book a hotel room for a reasonable price.

I got in late. When I stopped for gas in Santa Barbara, I also roamed the city. I wanted to go up and down State Street again. I almost stopped to shop a bit, but since I was falling asleep and was almost 2 hours from Jenna’s, I resisted. The drive back was much better than I imagined a foreign drive in the dark to be. Still, I did not get here until after midnight, and then there was NOWHERE to park. She lives in a half circle where many people parallel park and at night it is almost impossible to park. So there I am EXHAUSTED with bags of stuff and there is literally no parking for half a mile. I finally pulled in behind her garage and unloaded a couple things—my bag of clothes is in the car still; all I took was running clothes. I figured when I go running I can move the car and get the rest. I finished unloading just as security pulled up. I kept driving. I spotted a small space that seemed to be open. I relearned tight parallel parking and prayed it would be okay so close between other cars. Then I strolled down the street quite a ways and here I am.

I need to write more but I haven’t the energy. I am running on empty and the driving continues. Tomorrow my plans are all alone so if I need to collapse I can, but I won’t because time is precious.