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Blessings!

SMT

Today David reminded me that I “have friends in Irvine.” Such nice words.

After a night of insomnia, I was a zombie today. I could barely get out of bed this morning because I could NOT fall asleep last night. That is so unusual lately. Generally I can’t read a few pages before I conk totally out, book in hand, but then I have such vivid dreams all night that hate it. Great thing about insomnia is you are too tired to dream. I am going to bed early—turning off the phone and sleeping—everything can wait until I am conscious again in the morning.

I did write Terry her letter—I recopied it on the computer and mailed it after work. That should be fun.

Today a boy who is rather lively handed me a poem that was so disgusting I wanted to wash his mouth out with soap. It was not personal—he wanted a reaction. He will get the reaction of the assistant principal and me at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I mean, I would not even print PART of it in here. It was not bad language—it was worse! My department head about keeled over when she heard it. I went to her as I do with most things. Texas is the Bible Belt and there is (thank God) less tolerance there for these types of things so I wanted to be sure I was not overreacting. I wasn’t.

I was trying to make a way to go to Chicago in a couple weeks with Shachah, but I just can’t—it is not like I am in a ministry where I have financial support so I have to not do things sometimes. RATS! The good news is at least the pressure is of my getting the CLAD—a ESL type certificate you need to stay in the district I am in. As I have previously stated, due to the leave policy I would not stay here even if I loved LA because I am not giving up Shachah for a job.

Today a football player did not come prepared for class again. I emailed the principal who called the athletic director who called me. We took care of it. A Texan (even a transplant) knows how to deal with a football player—forget my punishment—go straight to the coach! I have fun with these kids even though they totally exhaust me—it is like teaching middle school. High school is so much easier—the older they are I mean. I want o teach journalism. Today I emailed the principal that we could not hear the announcements right when the kids made them and they needed to speak up and into the PA. The broadcast teacher in me lives. I hope when the school paper comes out it is better than I could do so I won’t want the job.

Teaching in CA is so serious and yet the kids are so behind. It seems like everything is behind the times—from TEXAS! YIKES! I think I miss the freedom too—Texas is free. I wrote David a letter last night and I am going to end my sleepy blog with some of those comments:

Maybe I am too simple minded after living in TX but one thing I HATE about CA is the cost of things that should not cost. People rip people off because it is CA--parking and stuff like that. It makes me sick. For instance, in Texas you could go to any park or nature trail and hike, but here you pay $5 a DAY to enjoy what God put in our natural habitat. Or paying $8 to park at a PUBLIC beach! That makes me ill. I have a real problem with it--and it is not about affording it--I don't think it is right to charge me to walk through a nature trail or on public land--what the heck are TAXES for!

The license plates in New Hampshire declare what I suppose is the state motto: Live free or die.

When I have to pay to see the ocean or a nature trail, I know I can’t spend my life in that. Just another reality…

My cell phone now rings with the theme from Quantum Leap. Time travel is cool.

I am fixing to disappoint everyone who loves me. I hate that, but I also can’t help it because it is my life, not theirs.

My weekend away helped in some ways; unfortunately, it helped the most by making me homesick. I used to think people who moved to CA from TX were weird Back when I used to live here they acted weird about Texas. One lady asked someone to bring her DIRT from a TX trip. Now I get it. I want to go home. I want to travel and stuff from there, but I want to go home. I want to teach what I love: Journalism. I really had no idea. At the time it was a way to get to Tyler to the church, but it is what I love. I want to teach high school journalism. Dag gummit, that is not going to happen here because there IS not journalism certification in the state of California. Anyway, that is enough of that for now because I can imagine the upcoming lectures. And honestly there is ONE person I want to hear from, and that is GOD.

Do I sound tough? I think I have to because I am preparing to be tough to endure the walk.

In other news, I have decided to NOT be a member of the church. I went through the little membership thing but they have not officially “received” us—formality anyway and I am not much into formality! But I am going to ask Darrell to remove me from that for the time being. It won’t be any big deal.

I am going to write Terry a letter tonight and tell her what is going on just because I feel she should know.

Aunty Magrate called yesterday morning. She just wanted to say hello I guess—I never connected with her but I did speak with Pastor. Then Meli called from USC to say hi and expressed excitement I am going to the wedding. Pastor gave me their blessing to use Shachah’s name in my own teaching—of course, fat chance, that would involve me teaching! HA! But it is nice that they trust me as one of theirs. I think instead of church on Wednesday nights sometimes I will drive to Ventura on Monday nights to be with the team there. I think my future is with Shachah more than I thought, and I want to invest in things that will nurture and develop that. I am amazed to see how that has expanded in some ways even though I am not there in it.

I talked to Miss Butler from Buena Park yesterday for so many (free weekend) hours that my cell phone died on us right when I was looking at ballerina stuff in the mall. It was so nice to have a long deep conversation with a Christian friend. I don’t have many of those anymore.

I went to Downtown Disney and the Knott’s Marketplace. Both are like outside malls of their respective theme parks. I hardly saw the point of spending lots of money on admission. Who would I ride rides with? Pointless.

Now I know why this blog has not ended… I think I am seeing when the road trip will be over. But I bet I will lose some friends in the process.

So this weekend I drove to Orange County, saw Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm and today on my way back when to the ocean and walked around. The weather was prefect and the world was at my feet—but sometimes having everything means nothing. I do love the weather here, but it is about more than weather.

Gosh this will disappoint people, but as a person who hates lies, I cannot tell one: I just don’t like living in California.

On the topic of some things I thought about this weekend, I have made a decision that may sound odd: I have decided to talk to my old pastor in Texas over Christmas about what I am thinking about. I respect him so much that I think that will be good. I wish I could do it at Thanksgiving, but he won’t be working that day I am there.

So here I am, home again—or apartmented again, as this will never be home, I have finally realized.

I have two friends who have recently moved away to attend college. One is Meli, of course, Aunty’s daughter, who serves the Lord with all her heart and came here to school—and the other is her opposite, a person not even serving God in the slightest. Both are inordinately happy in their moves. When you do something right you have a feeling it is right. When I moved from LA to TX I was a wretched mess for many months, but I never ONCE wanted to go back to LA. Not one time.

This is telling.

If there were eyes that conveyed passion and
Arms that held on tightly,
If there were a song made for me and a
Dance that filled the holes.
If there was then I would be.
Like a book with strong binding and no pages is
The day without hope.
Night falls and nothing looks different.
In the end there is nowhere to look but up.

My kids and I danced today. They argued over who wore the tutu. I can't be anything but myself. Maybe that is why I am not going to try to prove to anyone I am Saint Susan. I am as good as I can be and serve God the best I can. No one can ask for more.

No calls or emails yet and some are from last FRIDAY.

Knott's Berry Farm has discounted CA resident admission and even lower than that--after 4 p.m. admission. So I think that is where I am going.

As long as I am away all weekend! YAY!!!!

Yay! My hotel was accepetd. I am going to Orange County this weekend. Bye bye reality!

Oh how I have missed travelling.

I have decided to go away this weekend. I will leave Saturday and come home Sunday night.

One thing I like about where I live is that there are people here who watch these apartments like hawks—we have some old timers who are home all day and at the first sign of something suspicious, they would call the police—so at least I feel safe in leaving and stuff.

I thought Disneyland might be perfect—then I saw the prices. They have DOUBLED since I lived here last. We are talking $50 for ONE DAY! I looked at Knott’s Berry Farm and Sea World too. Without discount tickets it is CRAZY! Now I am trying to decide where to go. If I leave early Saturday and come home last Sunday it is only one night away but two days. I am vacillating between the Disneyland area, San Diego and even Las Vegas (and no I would not gamble. Leave it to me to go away to Las Vegas and not gamble huh? That would be funny.) Never mind, Vegas is too much too! So I am between Disneyland (I am convinced I can find a discount!), San Diego and Oxnard/Ventura.

The only thing bad about the latter is that I am thinking of going Monday to Margaret’s and being with their tambourine team again. Folks, when I say I am drying up, that is no exaggeration. So I am not sure about any of that but I AM sure I am going away. Actually I have not done this since I have been here. It feels weird. I had an urge to get online and find a Priceline hotel in Addison like I do when I want to go away. But I am not in Texas anymore. (Perhaps that is why I have no life.) I have never been to San Diego and know how beautiful it is, but I am actually not sure I want to be by the ocean. The ocean can be overwhelming—but maybe that is good. I WANT to go to Disneyland—that would be my first choice. It will be very good to leave. I have not gone on a trip in a long time—and the last one didn’t turn it so hot so it is a good time.

I need a hug. It has been a very very long time since I have felt arms around me—and I think it is going to be a lot longer before I do again.

One thing I will never in a million years understand is why people do not reply to you when you seek them out.

I understand when you ask for something someone can’t give and they must refuse. I understand that sometimes you need a day or two because you are swamped. But I will never, ever understand why when someone asks you something and simply request and answer you do NOTHING.

Anyone who knows me knows that silence is the greatest torture of all. Tell me no and I might not like it, but I will live. But tell me nothing and it is about the worst thing you can do.

Obviously I am wrestling with this today—from more than one source and I don’t GET it. But when you don’t know it is easy to assume the worst. I mean I think I fell of the planet!! No joke. Here is an example: I sent a prayer request to my church list. The mail was opened early the next morning. The NEXT day prayer requests went out and mine was not included. YIKES! That was really weird. But what I am REALLY referring to is writing or calling someone and ASKING them a question that necessitates a reply—and in the case of the three or four situations this week, an EASY reply—and getting NOTHING in response. I am not easy to reach all the time but I am VERY easy to get a message to between two phone numbers and email.

So today I am very frustrated. Very. I am thinking of taking off this weekend. My brain is flooded and I can get no feedback. Today I was just plain cranky. David replied to me this morning because I had sent him a few emails. He said he had been really busy at work and would try his best to get back to me this afternoon. I wrote back and thanked him for replying. Sometimes you wonder if your letters fall into cyberspace. I just don’t GET IT.

Well, invisible me is home to rest. I feel so bombed. I feel exhausted. I even went to bed early last night. I ditched ballet. I say that loosely—it is not ballet. It is Walking and Bending 101. I am IMMENSELY qualified to teach it thus far—and that is scary! I think until it gets into it I am going to go ONCE a week. Then I hope we will do some real combinations. It has to be the WEIRDEST class EVER! She is so gentle about it all and so lackadaisical. The thing is, that is anti-ballet. Ballet is about discipline and strength and hard work. I have been trained so fiercely in that that being in this is tough.

The Christian guy at work told me about a church in San Gabriel that uses dancers. Something has to give in my life. I am drying up. I will explore other options.

That is if I am not invisible.

I have over 19,000 frequent flyer miles now and I get 500 a month from my internet service and 100 for each box of breakfast cereal I buy. I thought after my next trip I would stop collecting but it seems I can get another free flight--and may not even have to fly to do it. I use internet and eat the same cereal regardless of miles.

God and I had another honest talk this morning. Then I danced. Sometimes it is all I know to do. I have a feeling I am going to get a refreshing and word at Blue Mountain. 49 days 'til I am with Shachah again.

I don't think I knew how much I gave up.

Now I do.

God knew I needed that! I didn’t even go to church tonight. Sometimes you just have to stop and be quiet and this applied tonight. An old Shachah friend—a different one that I previously mentioned—emailed asking for advice on booking hotels through Priceline. After writing her back, I decided to request one more time on Priceline for my Thanksgiving trip to Dallas I chose one zone and bid the absolute minimum for a three star hotel (I will not bid on anything less tan three stars on Priceline due to previous awful experiences!) The lowest the computer will take on a three star is $25, so I did it for a very nice part of the area. It was accepted on my first try! So I get to be in a fancy hotel (I honestly don’t LIKE anything nicer than three stars—Sheraton, Marriott etc. Beyond that is a it too much for my tastes). So I get a very nice hotel in a perfect area—that is where I will sleep on my birthday. I needed that.

You know what? I LOVE my church. The worship is incredible—the spirit there is beautiful, and the people are friendly. But after 6 weeks I have yet to make a personal friend and sometimes it is too hard to go be invisible.

The travel victories helped me today. That means all I have to pay for now is the other two nights at Blue Mountain—cheaper than the average hotel—and the meals there. Everything else is paid for in advance.

Today I sat in on a meeting at work because we have meetings each Wednesday and I didn’t have a specific one. A lady in there as so mean and negative and plain JERKY. Afterwards, my department head, who had come in to get something, asked me how the meeting was and if anyone was interesting. She already knew. We mused at how amazing it is that I worry about having my teaching sections cut and people, with lousy attitudes who cause divisions have job security. Sad.

One of my favorite students in Tyler tracked me down and wrote me tonight. Why am I here when I made all the difference there?

I am going to bed soon—early. I need some down time. It is nice to just rest sometimes. I wish it were November 6 at about 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. I am living for my Shachah reunion. I want to be with them so badly!

One more thought regarding fancy stuff, etc. One thing about my job that makes me VERY uncomfortable is how I am treated by support staff—secretaries, security guards, etc. As soon as they realize I am a teacher and not just a sub or something they fall all over themselves—apologizing for my inconveniences, if it is parking, or trying to help me if it is something else. I know it sounds funny but I hate it. I am not better than them because I am a “professional” and they are “support staff” and I don’t want to be treated like some queen. Yes, I want to be respected as the one who has authority in my classroom and stuff like that—I don’t like it when non teachers tell you how to teach—something I have experienced in Texas with that I-have- been-here-since- dirt-and-I own-the-school mentality. But this extreme is a bit much. When I see these people, even if I feel lousy I give them the biggest smile I can and ask them how they are. I try to treat them as nicely as they treat me. But I feel bad. It is more than just respect—it is almost like they think if they don't treat a teacher like royalty they will be in trouble or something. Maybe this is culture. Most of them are Armenian, as is much of the community, and perhaps they have more of a level of respect (what a novel idea!). I mean, it is NICE that I am treated with respect—but I guess I feel I should EARN it first if you are going to treat me like I am something extraordinary. It is just weird. I wish we could just all be people—leaders would lead but not with an iron hand and dogma, but out of experience and wisdom. I am telling you, CA and TX could not be more different in everything related to education. Some things are better and some worse in each state but it is just incredible, how they are SUCH polar opposites.

Polar opposites. A theme in my life lately.

YAY! Blue Mountain in Pennsylvania called and a room opened up. I had just mailed my deposit for my dorm, but now I have a private room. YAY!!!! I detest dorms, BUT it was better than driving to Allentown. I knew it would open up. I can't WAIT to be back on the mountain. I can't wait to dance.

On my new CD I love so much there is a version Of “Let My Words Be Few” which we danced to at Tyler Metro. I LOVE that dance, but once I really fell in love with the song we never got to do it again when I was there, even though we were going to. And this morning I just started crying. I MISS dancing with a group more than ANYTHING. I told the Lord that if we went right to the heart of these unsettled feelings and longings for home, I think that if I had this need fulfilled the rest would be tolerable. That is what aches the most.

I LOVE my ballet class here—the interesting and challenging one—but without that God bond among us, it is different—it is just ballet. It WILL help me in worship and bring me greater skill and excellence and discipline, but it isn’t the same. Oh how I miss it.

I had an epiphany as I prayed today. It was a happy but tough one. More on that later.

No word on job situations--it is too soon. I wish I had assurance NOW.

Well, 45 minutes until my day is filled with freshmen.

Miss Butler was my one thousandth hit to my web site. I had more than that in page VIEWS but sometimes there are three or four views in a hit—but tonight the page hit 1000—even though some are doubled and some are me-- and it was Miss Butler (Jan was 999, I think!)

My ballet class is SO GOOD. It is hard but I am learning. I love it. My teacher reminds me of my friend Melinda and so I like her. She caught me tonight on my sautés not jumping onto them hard enough I explained about the tendons. After class she gave me some good advice.

The funny line of the class came from me tonight on some polka turns. At one point I had turned wrong and she looked at me and asked if I was okay—people were getting dizzy form not spotting so I thought she was asking if I as dizzy, but I had just messed up.

“I’m not dizzy; I’m just stupid’” I said, and it became the class joke! She laughed so hard.

I hope I keep liking this class. I love being involved with this place.

I love to dance.

If that woman makes me do one more slow plie and explains what turnout it I am going to SCREAM!!!! My college ballet class is SO BORING!! I keep hoping she will get up to level with the intermediate students. I have never been in a beginner class that is REALLY beginner. Man!!!!! She talks for at least half the class. She knows so much about anatomy. It is good but for those who know the basics we want to DANCE.

There is some funky stuff happening in my life. That is about the best I can describe it for now. I am okay—it is just funky. And then we have budget cuts at work—like didn’t they know this BEFORE the year started!!! But alas! We got a warning letter that we should watch out. Last hired is first cut. I am not last but still, that is scary stuff. My department head says she doesn’t think I have anything to worry about and she will hear first and keep me posted. I trust her. But she also has no control. Gosh, what if I HAD to come back to Texas to simply live? You know if I do come back I want it to be because God lets me not because CA ran out of money!

Well, my other funky thing involves a person—a good male friend—I love men but they get on my nerves too—who is reacting—or not reacting—in such a way that I am starting to feel it. One more day and then I avoid big time. I am not real good with rejection—I only take so much before I crawl in my hole. Rats!

A Shachah friend called me from New York today after receiving my newsletter—she said I had inspired her to do what she had to do. I knew she was considering a change but I don’t know what? It scares me that I inspire anyone. We are hardly at the success mode of this move yet! But I can’t wait to hear her details anyway.

My good ballet class is in an hour or so. I keep hoping the email will come through. Gosh, do you ever feel like the biggest dope in the world for sending someone an email that you thought was simple? How long does it take to say “sure” or “Call me later” in an email? ARGH!

So much on my mind—not as much personal as things that I am wondering and praying about. This world is a strange place.

Off to inhibit my body with tights and a leotard so I can make it free with dance.

I finally cooked.

Since I have lived here it seems I have had take out or frozen food. One night I heated something I think, but tonight I cooked. I even marinated artichoke hearts and porcini mushrooms. YUM! It felt good to be gourmet again.

I liked my new doctor. I had to wait forever to be seen. And then I was very unimpressed with the place. Blue Cross assigned me there because the place I picked was full or something and so I was going to come home and change, but then I met my doctor. She is young and female and had good bedside manner. So I changed my mind. I like her. She gave me two sets of pills—one for each problem—the leg pills have six refills. That ought to get me through any dance—the other stuff should help the other issues. She did not seem overly concerned—the very worst it could be is some sort of benign tumor—no concern at all, so we just have to fix it! But I knew it was nothing serious—just necessary to treat. She took blood just in case but unless I hear something I should assume all is fine as far as anything extreme.

Then I had to choose a pharmacy. Every day it seems I do something else that means I live here—if only my heart joined the rest of it! I finally went to Trader Joe’s and even did a quick run at Vons. I thought I forgot my cell phone—which didn’t concern me too much because I was not planning to speak to anyone, and I rarely get crucial calls anyway. But I could not find it when I got home. I searched and searched. It was laying n the grass on my way to my apartment—for HOURS! I was so thankful to have found it!

It seems my first official American election will not be Oct. 7 in the gubernatorial recall, as I hear a high court postponed it. That is okay; people would be surprised at my vote anyway.

I had a CRANKY day. I mean I was not a happy camper. I finally realized I was too tried—this after getting to bed reasonably early last night!

I bought my other plane ticket this morning. My deciding factor was that I could tell it was going up. Originally there were three flights that morning—6:30, 7:09 and 8:05. I wanted the 7 so I could get to Tyler early but still not get up at 4. Well, when I checked back it was not listed. So I did a search by schedule and found that flight was available for a lot more money—so I could tell the low priced seats were selling off. So I bought. Boy, if I could ever play the stock market it would be great! I did not buy the hotel yet—I am playing with hotwire on that. I am going to end up in a luxury place for beans. Hotwire makes it TOO easy to figure out which hotel you have. So I have to wait and balance my checkbook before I do that-it may have to wait. That is fine—al the big stuff is done. Dr Hayes and I are talking about getting together when I am in Tyler. He is who I want to see so badly. I figure everyone else will be too busy on Thanksgiving, and I will be back at Christmas and possibly even at church Sunday. He and his wife will be in Tyler so I hope it works. I have YET to meet his wife so I told him this would be a good time. Of course I have to GET to him. I will be car-less in Tyler. I emailed Beverly and said I HAD To go to early prayer Friday. If that is ALL I do in Tyler I am fine. But want to see Dr. Hayes.

You know WHY I like being with Dr. Hayes so much and want to see him? He is a good friend, but one thing that has made him such a good friend is that he believes in me. He was my boss and dealt with me in professional situations every day and yet I could sit in his office with my shoes OFF and do ballet and that never made him think any less of me. He defended me to teachers and even the superintendent when it would have made him look better NOT to. He truly could care LESS what people think. He cares about what is right even if it maeks him look bad in the job. Even though he saw me in a tutu (over my cloths, of course!) and ballet shoes and knew I taught my class that way—silly as could be—he put me in charge of stuff that could have made him look bad if it were messed up. He trusted me professionally but let me be free personally. I don’t know that I will ever have a work situation like that again. And in this time when I feel so utterly imprisoned by the confining nature of this situation, it makes it more appealing than ever. A lot of people think I am funny and silly and enjoy my free spirited personality, but many of those same people would never trust me to run anything important. He could see both sides and balance them. That is why I miss him so much.


I can’t WAIT til November. That is going to be the BEST—Pennsylvania and Texas—my two favorite places on earth! Of course I love Pismo Beach, too, but I won’t be getting there til the off season. It is 4 hours away but one discounted night in a hotel there right now costs the same as two nights in Dallas WITH a rental car.

Remember when I got off my last flight to Vermont and swore I never wanted to fly again?

I am over it.

I can’t stay still. It is pointless.

You know what is really interesting? In my discouragement I have used one word more than any other: Pointless. That is how I have felt. Not helpless or despondent or anything that awful—just pointless. Yesterday it hit me how funny that is for me—the one always pointing my feet and asking “What’s your Pointe?” Now I must say I don’t know.

A note on my plane ticket: For fun I price the fare I bought this morning. You can still get the same route but the early flights are gone. To get on the same schedule I bought would cost me $91 MORE. Man I wish I could use airline tickets as investments! I would be rich (-:

To bed to bed so I can be a happy Susan tomorrow!

My blog is 213 pages. It started in winter. Spring was beautiful. Summer was hot, sticky and confining. And now it is almost fall. When does this road trip end?

And when does the road get smooth?

I almost walked out of church today.

I was not mad at anyone, not depressed. Nothing extreme like that. It was the tambourine. I was playing it during worship and I felt so SELF CONSCIOUS all of a sudden. Nothing was any different than the weeks previous. NOTHING. But it is Darrell. My pastor—the man I love and respect. The man who pretty much stands next to me in worship. The man who is a great drummer. I am so self conscious I rarely play a pattern when I play. I know I COULD. I feel like if I could shut everyone out and then warm up, then I could get it. But then I think and that messes me up. So after years of real playing practice, I stand there and thump it like I have never seen one before. And today I think I was so annoyed that when I realized I could not even think, I seriously thought about just leaving. It was not even a burst of emotion. The next song was a bit better—but I was still thinking much more about the music than the worship. That happens when I lose confidence and I have lost so MUCH confidence that it is a battle. I am doing so well at home alone but church is hard—being isolated is hard and knowing that it is not likely I am going to be close to anyone soon because there is simply NO opportunity for involvement. So I am still shaky at church. It is hard—like everyone knows a secret but me. The only thing is, I know more of the secret than they think I do.

Today I went to a new member meeting. What a trip! Darrell kept referring to me with the group “Susan knows this…” etc. As Terry said, I could probably TEACH the new member class. Yet about three people in the church know I am alive. It is so hard! I spent countless early mornings in my FACE in intercession for this church-but they don’t know that. So I have poured my heart into this place for 6 months yet they think I just arrived. That is no one’s fault, but it is hard from at heart vantage point, you know. Terry hears me make my comments about Texas and the future. I am not sure she knows how serious I am.

So I stuck it out—today was definitely a day I did not live by feelings. I felt like an absolutely incompetent, unanointed dancer. The sermon was good and that helped. But I am still out of the loop and don’t have any idea how to get in since there are no open doors. Why didn’t I ever recognize that? I was looking at the big picture, not the little entryways.

Terry is not going to cut hair anymore. She told me the whole God story and I was relieved, I think. What she told me I saw several months ago. Maybe that is why I was frustrated. The good thing about discernment is obvious, but it is very bad when you don’t know how to use it and you just let it ferment in you—so I got frustrated instead of asking God if there was a reason I could see it. Most of this came to her through words from people. I knew all she told me—but in my mind I was thinking selfishly. It is easier now that don’t care about people in the same manner, you know. But I am so happy for her because I know God is going to do some major stuff now that she has.

Meanwhile I languish with pathetic moments of discernment. It is probably bad to dislike your spiritual gift. I see things in the Spirit too much, I think. I hate it most of the time. I have never been taught how to use it. People don’t teach you stuff like that—and I don’t tell ANYONE what I see. The problem is it can sound like judgment and negative stuff if not channeled right and since I don’t know how to channel it, I try to ignore it, but I can’t. I have asked various people for help over the years, but it hasn’t worked. There are people I have avoided for that very reason. I knew something was off, but everyone loves them. Then about three months later something happens. It is weird. I remember it happened one day in Tyler at early prayer. I had the creeps. But I figured it was just me being a jerk. I tried to tune it all out. In the end I don’t know what exactly happened but I know that person disappeared. I don’t know what to do with it, but I know it is real because of things like today. I won’t repeat that personal conversation in a blog but I know it. It also works in good ways. There is someone I know that many people get frustrated with, but I have such a heart for her. It is that same reason. I can see something deeper—I LIKE it when it is that way!! So I have this one gift that is in such strong operation and I have no use for it because I have no clue how to use it. There are plenty of people who THINK they can tell you but I can spot a spiritual phony a mile away—or on a less harsh note, people who THINK they can advise you spiritually but really they are not at that point either. That is very frustrating.

Anyway, that was all an aside. But it was good in this case. I just think about it sometimes. After church Darrell had a board meeting (he has still not said a word to me!) and so Terry and I went to lunch with her son and his two friends (who are relatives of Rob and Debbie’s in AL and no one told me!). We had Italian food at a place I thought I never heard of and realized when we walked in that I had been to about 14 years ago!

It was nice to finally go out to lunch after church. If people only knew how such a little thing can make a person floundering feel welcome—But that was not any different in Tyler or in Quitman. I was rarely asked out to lunch with the big crowds of families and friends. I hated it there too. I hate it everywhere.

I did not get home til 4:30. It is 6 now. One free evening til the chaos starts. I am so behind on emails and MORE behind on schoolwork! I get to go to the doctor tomorrow. Normally I would not care—and after my healing room teaching I wanted to never see one again of course, but the fact is of this other problem I am not in a place where I know what to do and I have prayed all I can I do believe if my faith were greater God might just heal it. But the bottom line is that right now I don’t know and I can’t take going through it anymore! The tendon is an aside. I want pills to have on hand so when I need to dance I can use them until that is healed. My faith was built up a lot but I am not there and I know it. When I get there I won’t even need health insurance! Of course that could be good because if I am back in Texas I won’t be able to afford it. Out of curiosity I looked at the salary scale for Dr. Hayes’ school district. It is about $5000 more than Tyler but $7000 less than here. VERY discouraging. Or maybe that is good.

This morning I went back to hotwire.com. I have been monitoring plane fares, hotels and rental cars daily on all sites for Thanksgiving. I have even been having DREAMS about this! So today Hotwire’s prices went up on rental cars. The travel industry warns Thanksgiving prices are about to shoot up. I keep plane tickets on hold with American also while I pray and wait and hope also for lower fares. So several things happened this morning. 1) Katie from Blue Mountain (my PA trip) emailed and said that she could at least get me in a dorm for my trip if I could handle it. I told her YES. I would LIKE a room, but a dorm guarantees me a cheap bed onsite and that means that I do not have to worry about dealing with paying for an Allentown hotel. If a room ones up I can still get it but at least I have this guaranteed. Second the car rental rates going up made me decide to search Priceline. I bid a ridiculously low amount $13 a day for two days (the idea being that I would fly into Tyler the 27th and get to Dallas the 28th to pick up the car). It was accepted. So I have a rental car whether I want it or not. I have not bought the ticket—giving prices one more day. But the price I have is LOW. The next closest price is $65 more. The hotel rates have not changed and that is the least of my worries. If worst came to worse I could talk to Shachah and they would house me somewhere. I would prefer not to do that because of the activity, but they would help if I needed it. I won’t though. So now my only real obstacle is to get to Forney on the 28th. (and if anyone is reading this and going to Dallas to shop the day after Thanksgiving or something and want a rider, EMAIL ME!) Beverly already said she could get me from the airport in Tyler on Thanksgiving and I could spend the night there. I want to do two things in Tyler on Friday. I want to go to early morning prayer (more than ANYTHING!) and I want to see Dr. Hayes if I can. I MIGHT get to go to church Sunday. YAY!!!!! None of this is set in stone yet, but I can even pay more bills and work this out so I think I can make it work. The Blue Mountain room opening helped too because that greatly lowers the cost of my PA ministry trip.

Anyway, I better stop blogging for now. I want to walk to the store down the street—I have no oranges or milk for breakfast (I had to keep throwing milk out!) and I can’t imagine eating without at least one or the other. I meant to go grocery shopping today but when you don’t get home from church til 4 p.m. that thought is a bit overwhelming since I shop at two stores! So I am washing some clothes and flaking out. Maybe after the doctor tomorrow I will get there.

Well, dusk is approaching so I better get my shoes on.

Who would ever believe you could have a lovely night in Pico Rivera?

I had to go to Wal-Mart to return stuff. I did not want to go to my usual Wal-Mart. It is so chaotic. It is like everyone in the San Gabriel Valley has discovered you do not have to pay through the roof to wipe your nose and brush your teeth. So I got online and looked for other Wal-Marts. I chose the one I did simply because of the freeway. When I went to see David last week, I was on the 5 coming home and then I switched to the 710 because it said “710 North Pasadena.” Well, duh. Since I live in Pasadena, it seemed a logical choice, but the freeway dead-ended and I never found it. I got home using surface streets. So when one of the directions to WM gave me the 710 I decided to take it to see if I could figure out what to do. I never even got ON the 710 heading down. It is an elusive freeway, for certain. But I got to Pico Rivera and loved being there. Maybe it reminded me of Texas. WM was in a huge shopping center on a corner with not much else around. There was a huge parking lot too. Today at Lowe's a lady saw me get in my car and sat behind me HONKING. She wanted my space. I got out and looked at her and indicated I was not leaving. MY LANTA! GOD GAVE US LEGS, PEOPLE!!!!! Anyway, this WM was LOUD with the intercom system, so I cannot go there when I am tried or have a headache! But it was big and spread out (see, I am a Texan at heart). I got what I needed and headed out I wanted to see the rest of the shopping center for future reference. Even though I had taken the long way I gad a feeling this place was closer to my house than it seemed. The thing about Pasadena is that I am close to EVERYTHING. When I lived in the San Fernando Valley it was not easy to get downtown or beyond downtown, but from here it is simple. I LOVE Pasadena. It is removed form LA yet close to very location you need. It seems to sit at just the right angel for easy access. Of course for all this to be true we must include the classic LA catch phrase “Without traffic.” So anyway, I saw a Fresh Choice restaurant. I love those places and then a bookstore. I realized a new issue of my dance magazine must be out. I ran in and came out with a magazine for every part of my personality The Writer, Dance and Cooking Light. Then I wondered how I was ever going to grocery shop tonight also. I decided to forget it. In a rare burst of fun, I decided to go to Fresh Choice, take in a magazine and read and eat. I sued to do this constantly last year when I was in rehearsals in Dallas. How many meals have I eaten at Fresh Choice in Addison? My birthday, Rehearsals. You name it. Maybe that is why I enjoyed myself so much. It felt familiar. On my way out I saw a Walgreen’s and got my Fruit 20 which is hard to come by here. And then I drove back toward the 5 (which connects to the 710) and realized that this shopping center was smack in the middle of nothing. Not five minute from downtown LA is a more industrial area. So there were wide open spaces and big buildings. And I kept thinking, “I am having a lovely night.”

So I got on the 5 and connected to the 710. And then I saw the 710 directed Pasadena traffic to the 10, so I followed the signs and ended up in San Gabriel. ARGH! By the end I was in the same places I was last week! Finally I connected to Valley Blvd., which was on my directions, and followed the rest of them home. But the bottom line is that I STILL can’t take the 710 home. Tonight my goal is to study maps. I WILL figure this out. The reason it matters (besides the challenge) is because when I get on the 710 I am not even to downtown LA but when it ends, it has been all of three minutes—so it is FAST. It must cut across diagonally. It could be my shortcut to all points south so I have to find it.

In the end I had a nice and relaxing Saturday. And now it is 10:30. In a minute I will take a bubble bath and head to bed. Tomorrow I get to be at church early for an oh-so-exciting new member orientation class. You know, so Pastor Darrell can share the vision of the church with us. Of course, I know NOTHING about the church! HA HA! I was a member before most of these people ever stepped foot in it, but that means nothing anyway. And it is a formality—I really don’t mind spending an hour with Darrell in the morning one bit—I just find it amusing. All those hours of talking told me more about the vision of the church than one meeting can! But I will be the faithful little person and be there. If I am here for a year or 10, the church is a big part so I am committed in my heart to it—even if almost no one there knows I am alive.

I have a new fridge and possibly a new friend.

Amazing what a chore yet is to move a fridge up and downstairs! I finally settled on Lowe’s and headed to Burbank. I found out they also charge $50 for delivery. Refusing to pay that I came up with alternate ides. I guess I might have paid it had any of the places I shopped been willing to deliver it during MY schedule. It seems to me when you give someone $50 they ought to be able to make it convenient for you. So I rebelled. I called to Darrell and Terry’s to ask if they had a dolly. My plan was to buy a portable freezer and a portable fridge, put them in my car and do it myself. Cindy heard me talking and picked up the phone. Cindy is staying with them because her and her daughter are there until her husband gets there with the other daughter. Cindy and I are both in the same position—we moved to California on a call from God and then got here and said WHAT THE HECK DID I DO?

Anyway, she said she knew that they had one and checked for me. Then she offered to help me! So I shopped, prayed and even comparison priced. I finally decided to buy the cheaper little fridge they have there. It was a GE but low priced because it was so SMALL! Yet it was a still a real sized one I could use. SO I called back to Terry’s and Darrell answered. That was weird. I was like, “Oh, hi! Can I talk to Cindy?” I think he was surprised too! So Cindy said yeah, she had a van that would hold it and I would be right there. So she came to Lowe’s and I bought the fridge. That is tough because you buy something that big and know you might leave in a year and go to a place with a new one and sell it for half the cost or something. But I needed it. So Superwomen came here and we manage to get that thing up my stairs with the little dolly. It was hard but we did it. Then there was the matter of getting the piece-of-trash fridge down to the garbage area where the recyclers will pick it up Tuesday (for $10). We could not do it. It was pathetic. My neighbor finally opened her door and basically ordered me to go ask the gardeners to help us! My neighbor has a daughter in her 20s and is a kind motherly lady from Texas. The daughter saw us later and joked that that was just her mom—she would stop a man on the street and say “help my daughter with her groceries!” So I asked them and they helped. I tipped them and they moved the fridge to where it will be picked up. And Cindy stood there saying “Susana we could NOT have done this!” Big dreamer lives on. Fact is, one way or another I would have been trying to figure it out alone.

The neat thing was that this morning before I left I prayed for God to show me what to do. No options were good with my being at work and the prices and delivery costs, etc. Meanwhile Cindy actually prayed God would use her today. It was kind of neat how we saw God merging our prayers.

Anyway, I now have a working fridge and less money! BUT I did get my insurance refund check in the mail yesterday from canceling my TX car insurance and that was half the price of the fridge so that helped. I am fixing to head to Wal Mart to return some stuff and then Trader Joe’s to grocery shop. I will hit Ralph's for the serious stuff tomorrow. I will actually be able to buy milk I don’t throw out this time!

I feel like I live in a hotel. You know—you have to have take out and cold drinks from stores because you have no refrigerator. ARGABUGA! So I can’t decide if I want to buy a new one, a used one and take the chance or what? How about a CHEAP one! I went to Best Buy tonight and found one that was reasonable but you have to add delivery and haul off. Sears told me they didn’t haul off but had a place you can call that will do it for a small fee, but they will move it til that place comes. I told them I was an apartment dweller and had no place to move it so then they told me that they made exceptions for apartments and WOULD haul it—free! Ah, double standards. Even when they benefit me they annoy me. I love consistency. Terry was asking me how David and Molly were doing and I had so little to say. That is because they have hardly changed—but in a good way. Talk about consistent. David has never been anything but David in FIFTEEN YEARS. I have know him longer—since I was 17. He is just my old friend. I have been annoyed with him and other stuff, but HE has never changed in any bad way—growing is different than changing. I was even telling my kids today—because it was in the context of the discussion—that men are such stable friends because they are so unemotional. I have actually been blessed with some stable women friends, too but I just love men friends most of the time. Speaking of… Dr Hayes had asked me if I knew of a certain book. Tonight I saw it in the Christian bookstore and I saw why he asked. It is a metaphor of dancing with Jesus. I wanted to buy it but it was $20 and I knew I could get it cheaper. I would love to read it though. But I say all that about men and yet they are lousy at responding. This week I waited to hear from Dr. Hayes and Darrell and heard from neither. David finally wrote back today—three lines. MEN! But I take it less harsh from them too—I am more secure. It is weird. Still I am anxious to hear from both of them on these specific issues that I asked them to reply about!

So yeah, I went to the Christian store. I had a crazy time finding it, but once I did I was so happy. I had not been there yet and it felt like home. I had to detox. All the fridge stress was annoying and I wanted to relax, so that as perfect.

I listened to the CD that my song is on as I drove—man is it ANOINTED. It is so powerful. I had been so consumed with my song I did not realize it! Then I got in the store and heard the music and wanted to dance in the store. The bottom line is that when I hear music glorifying God I want to dance it. Always.

I had no trouble clearing my doctor’s appointment Monday. That means I get the afternoon off. YAY! And maybe I can get those problems taken care of. My legs are a mess. Something has got to give. I still believe God can heal it—I think it is a direct attack. The day the first tendon snapped was the day I did my first grand jete. And every time I have danced alone or in a significant worship aspect since then I have been in real pain. Uh yeah, DUH! I almost hate to see a doctor but the real reason I am going is the other things anyway-that is what I can’t live with. AT this point I am used to dancing in pain. It has been this way since February.

Anyway, I am about to head to bed and read. I have taken to reading the LA Times in bed each night—I get it free at work. Tonight I have some Christian periodicals and stuff too. At least I get to sleep tomorrow.

I finally finished my newsletter for everyone tonight and mailed it off. I had been working on it forever, but I couldn’t send it while I was struggling so much. But this issue is off.

Then I get to fix my printer or buy a new one, fix my refrigerator or buy a new one, and maybe even buy a new phone since I can barley hear. You know I LIKE being single but at times like this I can say, with clear echoes of sexism, it would be nice to have a husband to do the work so I could sit around listening to my CDs, making up dances and reading all weekend. But that is why my trips away are so precious, because my normal life has no rest.

I dance through it all without a breath.

Argh.

My fridge is broken.

I am EXHASUTED beyond belief after a long week. I have NO enegry.

But I am going shopping for a fridge.

Another lunch half hour. I accidentally wore the right thing to work, and I know that was God. I think I am overtired. 11 p.m. to 5:20 a.m. is all I sleep. My tendons are a mess and I am on hold with a doctor's office as I type. I am tired of this. It was the floor because I did sautes in class Tuesday and that was FINE. There are so many STAIRS at this school. It is awful.

My colleague who swears is driving me crazy and I am fixing to make an issue of it. Why do we forbid students from it but allow teachers? Now THAT is what is unprofessional.

I have my appointment. It is Monday and I basically wrote on my leave slip that that was it. I HATE this leave polcy!!!! Anyway, I will be off Monday afternoon, and I am glad. No one can swear at me. And maybe I can get leg drugs and take care of my other bad physical issue that is getting worse. Wow! Health insurance. What a concept!

I think it is a very good thing that I went to the website of the school Dr. Hayes works at now. I looked at it from a teacher’s perspective and saw things I did not like. The class schedule is horrendous (bet he doesn’t like it either). They have eight short periods a day starting at 7:20. That is a teacher’s nightmare. But that is good because I cannot get it out of my heart to work for him again. A little reality helps.

Fact is, I don’t think I will last at this district. The personal days issue is bad enough but it is too professional for a school for me. They are to be commended for the high standards, but there is so little room for creativity. I don’t even have to write a lesson plan because there is a book for it and they are mapped out for me by the publisher. My lead teacher handed us the outline of the project we were to give our students. I asked my department head if there was any room for creativity. Being the sweet person she is, she was very sympathetic and said there was. But it is run more like a major corporation than a school. This is district stuff. And I guess if they had scores and achievements off the roof it might be more understandable, but when I come from higher achievement and am more stifled, it is harder, you know.

Do not read this as BAD. It is NOT bad. On the contrary, as a teacher the perks are amazing. The salary is higher than I imagined. The extra pay is good. I found out I even got paid for going to a textbook training for two hours one afternoon in the summer. They PAY for after school meetings. The benefits are incredible. It is not bad—but I am not sure it fits my goofy personality. I have let myself go more in the classroom. It will probably get me in trouble. How do I teach without doing silly dances, and how do I function having to have special permission to travel with Shachah when I have 10 days off and signed up with that guarantee? These are big things to me. One limits a major part of me IN the classroom and the other OUT of the classroom. So I guess I am a bit disconcerted because I don’t see a long term relationship here. Mostly I am just praying. What else can I do?

I am starting to love my students. Some of them have the BEST personalities—my last two period classes are a RIOT. I LOVE them. But I have no personal involvement with them and that is hard. If you don’t sponsor a club or something it is just about impossible to have that consistency that forms relationship. And I don’t. It is going to be a long year in that sense. Despite loving these new kids, I truly miss my REL kids.

Anyway, I am okay—just trying to take it all in and play it all out, looking for answers. I wonder how much trouble I will get in this year for being a free spirit…

I am going to take a shower soon and refresh myself. I have been cleaning and stuff before Terry gets here. It is forcing me to find a place for some loose stuff that I just let sit upon unpack

No matter what happens with all these thoughts and situations, I can honestly say I am learning much that will impact me. In fact, I might have realized a great lesson today just walking down the hall. And sometimes the truth is you have to let go of things you love to see how much you love them. In this case I mean THINGS and NOT people—even though that may sound like a veiled people reference; I really mean things, but I will explain that a lot later when I am sure my initial reaction is reality.

Truth is never a single layer.

I am eating lunch at work. This is the letter I just sent to Dr. Hayes in Houston:

There is a policy here you cannot take your shoes off in the classroom! Can you believe that? How can a dancer teach? I miss teaching journalism, hanging out with the kids after school dancing. RATS! A district policy. Yesterday I used ballet to show kids that in arguing you have to take a solid position--you cannot be in two positions at once. So much for creativity! And it WORKED too! Ever tried to do ballet with big shoes on? (Oh yeah, actually you did--ha ha!--5th position!) How will I ever make it? It is funny--everything here is so professional and organized impeccably, and yet the kids are below Texas kids academically. Wild stuff.

Anyway, I am feeling bound--thought I would vent. Gosh a note from a good friend would sure brighten my day.

I am currently in my room eating lunch.

Barefoot.

S

In other news. I have my ticket and rental car for Pennsylvania. I felt like it was time to buy. Rental cars are much more expensive in New Jersey, so I pounced. I still got the planet ticket and car rental for about the price of the ticket alone to Philly. Still nothing for Dallas as I am still praying. That is more complicated with the various cities and stuff. One friend said she can probably get me to the airport Friday to get my rental car, so I would only have to get to Forney if that works. I am also trying to figure out if I could go to church Sunday. If I could then I would need to stay in Tyler for the bulk of the trip, but if I can’t I will stay in Dallas. So I can’t possibly decide yet even if it is okay for me to go because too many factors are left hanging.

I can’t believe a CA school district gives a flying fig about SHOES. Who cares if I slip off my shoes at my desk? YIKES! I will never make it here. No personal leave and shoes. I am not having a good feeling about a long term relationship. No emotion, just fact. I think I am too free to be here. BUT maybe if I use the salary to pay off all but those big bills I can move on with much less debt! Maybe THAT is why I am here. Would that not be HYSTERICAL—move to the second most expensive city in the country to get out of some debt?! Crazy stuff!

I am going to talk to Darrell. Now that I am okay and have some joy flowing through me again, despite still dealing with some of the heart stuff. I don’t feel scared to talk to him because he won’t be disappointed! (great logic). So I sent him an email last night. I just want to bounce everything off of him. I trust him.

Well, lunch is over and the class is coming—so until later…

Shoeless Sue

Well, the option to work with kids didn’t pan out—too many schedule complications. But lots of compliments to me. They were disappointed. I am too. It probably would have been too much work, but I need kids. A kid interviewed me for the paper today—just the new teacher stuff. Oh my gosh, it was hard. I miss journalism. I think that is my real love. And it is funny because my journalism job in Tyler was a fluke, but now I miss it terribly. Terribly. I think I can live here and be happy now that the ick has passed, but I still know there is going to be a serious agonizing decision the day Dr. Hayes calls and tells me he has a journalism opening. It might be in a year or three or four. I don’t have a clue. But I am actually already praying because that decision will be hard. I miss journalism every single day and I am happy on my job.

I danced in class today. I did a passé releve and a chanais in demonstrating how you must take a side when writing persuasively because you can’t be in two positions at once. It was fun. My evil tendon hurts from that hard floor and my bare feet. Tomorrow I will wear ballet shoes. I invited Hasmik, one of my principals, to come sit in the tutu chair.

I have two plane tickets on hold. As annoyed as I get with American Airlines, I am also happy they let you hold a ticket for 24 hours; therefore, you can lock in the price. Sometimes I keep one on hold and keep holding it. I am monitoring prices. I will not beat my Newark fare. Even Hotwire only comes in literally a few dollars cheaper and that is with no choice of times and I have precise times I have to be there. Hotwire cannot even top my direct buy deal for Dallas. The amazing thing is that the fare is so much cheaper to fly into Tyler and out of Dallas. But before I buy that I have to make sure that people can help me. I have to get to Dallas on Friday and it is not easy to find people to help you on the holiday weekend—unless I can find someone who needs to go shopping in Dallas. But honestly I have not made my final decision. I am still praying. Today I felt a release and confidence about Newark, but I am waiting til morning just in case the prices drop a few dollars. I really don’t think they will—in fact word around the airline industry is they are about to go up—especially for Thanksgiving. Maxine’s wedding is at 4, so that is great because it means that I can be at the whole thing and still get a late flight and home in time for work. So we will se, but this could be good if I buy direct because it gives me a free ticket which will take care of spring break or summer. I will probably use it for the international Shachah conference in Miami conference next July if I can.

I have to leave for church soon. I didn’t get home til after 5. I was about to leave and ran into my department head—one of two, the one who speaks and that I know. We talked for a long time. I just like her so much.

Last night’s ballet class really inspired me. After all this time without a class, and the intro to my classes here, last night was a real class with real moves. And of course I have been dancing since.

Time to get ready and head out. I am extremely busy, but I am not overwhelmed by it.

Beginner ballet class, MY POINTED TOE!

I have a shirt that says “You haven’t witnessed a real workout until you’ve seen a dancer practice.” Man, I am sweating after the first 10 minutes with this lady—doing plies. I have realized that beginner ballet in Texas and beginner ballet in Los Angeles are two different things. This class is entirely at my level—a bit above me in some ways—but the right kind of above me—where I can be successful but I have to work. It is a long class and a very intense one.

But tonight when we did a simple hand position with our footwork, it all came back to me: Why I dance. The feeling and why I can’t explain that to anyone. It goes beyond anything anyone can see in me. More than even the worship aspect, though it is all about God, it is what it has done inside me in certain areas.

That is precisely why I will fight for it, cling to it and oppose anything that comes against it.

I am nominating my former boss for sainthood.

Some people know about my dilemma with the Tyler Independent School District and my missing evaluation that I need to be certified in CA. At first they basically told me they couldn’t find it, period. As you can imagine I did not settle for that. Furthermore, they found a summary of it that had a mistake on it! So it looked like an error. Well, I finally gave up and went to the human resources director and when I could get no resolution went directly to the superintendent. Then I last got a letter saying that Dr. Hayes could not remember changing something. So I wrote the Doc. He explained that he could not remember all of it but that he had asked them to send it to him and he would look at it. That was the last I heard.

Today an envelope arrived. In it were copies of BOTH my evaluations. One looked worse for wear—I finally saw why. It was a faxed copy from the high school where Dr. Hayes now works. Not only was the mistake gone, but when they sent it to him, he redid it with ALL “Exceeds Expectations” marks. I have never had anything like that. He made me look like the perfect teacher. There was his scribbled handwriting, raising all my levels on every blank part to the highest level a teacher can achieve—which is very unheard of. I think he would nominate me for teaching awards if he could.

And it is funny because when the district saw that I am sure they turned over in their non existent graves. But what could they say!

Anyone have any trouble seeing why I want to work for him again. UGH! What a dilemma! If only he would come here or God would someday being us back together. To make matters more complicated, he told me that his journalism teacher is contemplating retirement. I wonder what I would do if faced with the decision. Someday I want to work for him again. Guess I will pray. Anyway, the evaluation dilemma is fixed and I look like Super Teacher. He is my biggest teaching fan. It is great timing that I got this today and tomorrow he will get a GIANT (over a pound) dark chocolate bar in the mail from me. Mutual admiration society.

Just came in from Ballet Class #1 on Tuesdays. It is interminably BORING thus far. It WON’T be, but even though half of it is intermediate level, she has started at the beginning. After three classes we finally learned ARM POSITIONS today. I wanted to SCREAM!!!!!! Again, I realize how good Shachah was. The differences are astounding. Major wow!

Well, I have to run to Trader Joe’s before Ballet Class # 2 (the challenging one) and get some of these really good fiber muffins I found there Saturday. At some point I have to see how much money I have after my bill paying spree—I just added another.

I feel like I have a secret.

So tomorrow is church (YAY). Thursday I will skip ballet. If we were dancing I would not, but it is so slow for a while and absences don’t count against me. Terry is coming over Thursday night and I have not yet had a chance to clean or anything so that will give me a break.

I suppose I have to get in the car and take the CD off “repeat” as I know could probably write my own chord chart for the blasted song! It didn’t leave my head all day! It is the only thing I have listened to on all my drives today. I am working on choreography for it instinctively. I am at a point where moves just come to songs—I love that! I will probably never dance this anywhere but I so love the song that I have to have it for me.

Okay, time to go get on tights, a leotard and all that fun junk. Today I sat in my class while they tested and I re-sewed on the elastics of my very first ballet shoes. They are much maligned, but close to my heart. I have a different pink pair that is probably two years old, but they are not like my first Blochs, so I updated these and wore them today and will tonight. I am a ballet sap. Duh.

The weather was very cool today. I froze this morning at work. And then I remembered, oh yeah, I am in California, it actually gets chilly in September. Imagine that. It is so nice not to get in your car and drip sweat.

I don’t want to be a flower that wilts.

Many years ago after my mom died, I sank into a deep depression. I don’t think I have ever felt so bad in my life. No pain could compare. Because I only had one mom and no dad, I will never experience anything that awful again, but it was truly agonizing. The entire depression lasted about a month. I came to a low point where I truly believed I was not going to be okay.

The thing that snapped me out of it was as silly as the coconut falling on Gilligan’s head and curing his amnesia. It was Easter weekend. My mom had died. I lived in a city where I knew few people because we had just moved to Texas the previous year. I had two friends I was close to, and we had endured agony together going through my mom dying.

And suddenly Easter came. They were with their families and I was alone in my apartment on Earlene Drive. And that ended the whole depression for me. That is what I mean by silly. It was like one second I was literally despondent and the next the rejection almost served as a catalyst for a cure. I was never that bad again. I did not get happy overnight, but it was like I woke up. I was on my own and so I could either sink into that and be loony, or I could get up and live without anyone. And that is what I did.

Not long after that my aunt Mary called, offering to help me pay summer tuition at college. I went back to school and went straight through until I had a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree and a teaching certificate in two areas. I found a new church out of town, and I went into my own world with God for several months.

And now I feel the same. I cannot explain it but the adjustment and serious downs are over. I cannot tell you how I know that, but that I do. This was one of the most challenging periods I have had in a long time, but the coconut hit my head.

I put “Beautiful One” in my CD player on my way to work and set it on repeat. “Your Cross has spoken mercy over me...” Gush gush boo hoo. Me an God in our world. Out of that world will come something.

Do I sound cryptic? It’s only because I don’t plan ahead for God (although I would like to at times!). I came to work different today than yesterday. I feel it and I can’t verbalize it all, but I know it.

My song arrived today—“Beautiful One.” When I get new music, I usually wait til I take a great car ride to listen to it, but this one I stuck in my CD. I am in love with this song. The church sings sit just like the CD. I hope I can turn Pastor Dan on to it!

I had a good day at work and that helped a lot. I found out from the co-principal—Kevin—that I am well-regarded and well-liked and they want to involve me more. I am flattered and excited. I started to volunteer for something that would involve me more with the kids. We have to see if my schedule could be changed to accommodate it, so Kevin has to speak to Hasmik tomorrow. Right now there is no telling. They want me, I can tell—perhaps more than I want to do it. But it is not that simple. Still, it was the first time I left feeling full and happy. The way I used to feel—that is who I am and I felt like they began to see it. It is nice to be praised at work. “people want to be around you,” Kevin told me. Guess I have covered the ups and downs well at work.

The night was tough with a bit too much emotional intensity but I guess it is okay. Sometimes eye opening hurts, but helps at the same time. At least you know where you stand and can move from that vantage point.

Meanwhile I am on a fierce drive to pay bills. Like I have this intense need to pay off all these small bills I have and it is funny because I am paying them without even seeing how much money I have left—like I just have to pay everything. There is more to this, but it is wild—it started last week. I found out today I do not have to have retirement deducted from my check for the first year. WOW! I wrote David and asked his expert opinion—he is the finance expert—and he agreed that if I used that money to pay some bills and that supports the basic rules of finance. Amazing I could possibly have a good financial idea! I think I am going to do it. I don’t know what has come over me in recent weeks, but there is sure nothing wrong with paying bills! Anyway, I am on the rampage. I love electronic payments. I am sitting here going to websites and paying bills randomly. WEIRD STUFF!!! Of course I don’t have money to pay them all off, but maybe with the retirement income I can. What is the deal with saving for retirement when you owe now? I am POWER PAYING!!!

Katie from Blue Mountain wrote back and said that flying into Newark was easy so I can easily save $100 there. Not sure about Dallas yet. I think it can go cheaper. Ticket buying is a gamble. You wait until it goes as low as you believe it will go, then you buy. If you calculate wrong you lose out and miss the trip or pay through the roof. In my case I would have to miss the trip—so I am gable with fares and hope I get it right… we will see.

Anyway, tomorrow could bring some new stuff.

I called my other aunt tonight because she was trying to call me. She is very depressing and negative. She told me how she misses Mary and now that Mary is gone all she has is her nephew John (Mary’s son) and a bunch of grandchildren (she said that after saying how one grandchild wanted her to live with them and they are very close!) That is all she has, she says to me. I suppose I was just a voice—I don’t know! I don’t think she means it. She is just that way.

Mary was different—different from the rest of her family. Mary was my relative if I ever had one.

I miss her.

Mary and I were anomalies.

I was special to her.

So I go to church and we pray for each other. Figures.

It was good though. I knew the sermon was for ME. Not all of it—only the last part—fear of isolation. Although I guess I don’t fear it since I have it.

I was blessed—I had Terry on one side of me and Cindy (the worship pastor’s wife) on the other. Terry knows me and I would bet a plane ticket that Cindy operates in a gift of discernment—so at least I got prayed for. Darrell came and talked to me before church—just asking me about my week. I don’t want him to know how bad I feel about some of this because he is the most kind and loving man I know. After church Terry asked me how things were going and I told her the truth. I told her I did not want ANYONE to know—especially Darrell. I am weighing talking to him. He was the one with the practical insight before I moved, yet I don’t want to disappoint him. It seems I have my other close friends.

Someone forgot to get the flags out today. I noticed it as I was banging my tambourine and asked Darrell—he said someone must have forgot. The church still stood there and danced, but the flags were missing for sure! I wanted to offer to be the one responsible to get them out, but I have shied away so much that seems like major stuff.

I did not use my own flags, but when I saw a certain song come up on the screen I knew I needed the streamer. I have begun to ask God WHICH flags and streamers, and even tambourine tassels, I need. This is the second week I did that, and it has been right on the money. I had to force myself to dance today but it helped. I took the streamer and danced as I felt led on a powerful song I love that we used to sing at home. That was the best part of everything. I was almost surprised it helped but then that is my heart and is between me and God. I can handle that part mostly.

Was it worth it? I listen to “Believe” a lot now. It appears in an earlier blog entry

I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour
I'm not satisfied to have the form,
but not the power
I'm not satisfied, Oh Lord I am crucified in You

I lived for the freedom to be in that power—and to be free. Now I have it. I have freedom to worship. There is one thing I thought I was coming here for that I got.

Was it worth it?

I listened to this song on the way to church today… my eyes filled with tears.

Am I willing to sacrifice everything I knew for a chance to bang a tambourine and dance?

I am still hunting plane tickets. I have pretty much decided to go to the wedding. I won’t go anywhere else. I will stay in Dallas. Unless the wedding is late enough for me to go to church, I won't go to East Texas.

Somehow this new leave policy at work has made me realize even deeper what Shachah is to me. They are like family in a different sort of way. And the thought of not being able to be with them when they have made me so much of what I am is unbearable.

Later now—I have discovered lower priced travel. Get this. If I fly INTO Tyler and OUT of Dallas, the fare drops over $60. So I am seeing if maybe I can find a place to go in Tyler on Thanksgiving and then have someone take me to Dallas. I can pick up a car and stay two nights in a hotel and ended up saving over $100.

As for PA if I fly into Newark, NJ, I can get a direct flight on American that pushes my frequent flier miles to the next level for a free ticket and also puts me 2 hours from the retreat center—only 20 miles farther than Philly but a lot less travel time due to having direct flights. I have a flight on hold while I wait to hear from the Blue Mountain people about that airport so I am sure. If so, I will probably buy it tomorrow and go about renting my car. So I am finding ways. I will always find a way. I have been home for a month, and it is time to travel.

Being here has served as a catalyst to stripping me of virtually all the self confidence I had. I feel like a useless piece of person alone in a city.

Meanwhile the fridge guy said my fridge was fine because it happened to run while he was here. Now it is out again and I spent $50 on food today.

The thing I regret more than anything at all in my life right now is going to California on spring break.

I love Jesus. I really do. There is NOTHING I want more than to live in perfect communion with Him, to serve Him, to be His companion. Every breathe of that dance is my life.

Anything that deters me should not be in my life. I don’t care about earthquakes and traffic jams. Those are trivial. But I care about the things that matter to the heart and those are not. I have not had so many ups and downs in years. That is not like me and I am sick of it. So if I have to live an alone life, so be it. I guess I blew it, but it ain’t worth losing God over.

I bought Dr Hayes a HUGE dark chocolate bar today. It works better than a job application.

I had a very nice night tonight. I went to Orange County to have dinner with David. I got to see Molly and his kids too—who truly are sweet and cute. It was nice seeing Molly. David took me to dinner and we had a great time. Somehow I think it is ironic that he is more accessible to me than some people I thought I had nearby—and he is 50 miles away. I am going back in a month. We are going to go over some official stuff he is helping me with, but we can’t do it yet. It was so nice being with him. He is still just my David. I guess in the long run, when you really examine it, he is probably one of my best friends ever—and probably always will be. It has been 15 years. I may have trouble making friends, but boy, when I find the good ones, I keep them!

My refrigerator is breaking. I am frustrated trying to get someone here to look at it and someone at my management company got the wires crossed because and order was put in a week ago. I called again and basically told then they HAD To get someone out tomorrow—period. If it is something have to pay for I have ONE day to do it. Meanwhile, there goes half my food. I am not happy about that.

Anyway, I am trying to book my flight to PA. My days were officially approved today. Talk about great favor. I have found a student travel site with greatly reduced fares, but the times are horrid. I don’t just mean for that but for ANY flights. Problems is I now lose THREE hours flying east instead of ONE. This matters when I am trying to make the Thursday night opening. Almost all the flights connect. But I am fixing to book a higher fare that is nonstop to get there early. I have to fly into Philly again, it seems, and rent a car—that is another two hours. Coming back it is great because I gain hours, and that will help with getting up—well, except for the jet lag—but I only have to work one day and then we are off the next day so that is good. Hey, this is funny. I found a flight to Philly connecting to Allentown (40 miles away form the location) for LESS money than the direct flight to Philly, farther away. Airlines are quirky. I will have to sleep on it. Right now the retreat center is full so I may be at a hotel in Allentown anyway. The great thing about the annual PA trip is that it cost nothing besides the travel expenses. You don’t shop or eat out or anything. So it helps. Other connecting flights allow me to connect in Minneapolis one way and Detroit the next way—I have never been to either state so of course I like that idea. Flying coast to coast will be hard because the flight times are longer an the 2 ½ LAX-DFW route was enough to drive me nuts. This is double! I am also about to book my Thanksgiving plans in San Diego. The beach in late November is not really popular so rates are low. I have to do something for my birthday—so what choice is there. One of my friends calls it running; I don’t think it is running at all. I think it is a proactive choice to keep yourself from a pit.

I went to early prayer at the other church today. Boy it was NOT Tyler Metro! We all gathered in a circle on chairs on the front. Me and 7 strangers. They pray with such passion and heart. Where do they get their energy? I am in awe of people like that. Anyway, it was weird because I got to introduce myself but then after we prayed this one lady—former member visiting—talked of a long time and I had to go to work so I basically left. It was like a appeared and disappeared and they had NO CLUE who I was. No one I met the other night was there. It was really odd. But I guess it was good because it lets me reflect without pressure. I can go back another day next week. It was INTENSE.

Anyway, I was rather awake all day and that was nice. I had more energy and could actually BREATHE for the first time all week. I had more fun with the kids—and I am getting to know them.

I met another Christian at work. He teaches English at the school because his wife is in seminary. It is nice to know someone who thinks getting up early to pray is cool (they do that with their Korean neighbors).

Work feels kind of normal. But the school feels bigger and I feel like I have a smaller part of it. Still I like it.

Everything is nice—but it still isn’t mine. I can’t explain it but something still isn’t right. It is not bad and I am not miserable, but it is not okay yet.

Nothing is home yet.

Okay. It is time to try to write about life at the high school! First, despite the nitpicky negative stuff from adults, once in the classroom as a teacher the bottom line is that I am spoiled rotten. Need supplies? Need markers? Go to the supply cabinet for the English department. Need a book bound? Run to the print shop. Oh, we have a special educational assistant for your low level class for a while—she can grade your papers and run your copies—and do it all with a smile. That little room by your classroom? It is your personal storage space and location of your central air conditioning unit. And freshman English classes only have a maximum of 20 students in them. No joke all. I am a spoiled rotten teacher. After working in old buildings that the community would never fund a bond reject for, suddenly I go to work in a new building with spotless walls, clean hallways and no vandalism.

My theory about the kids vacillates. I was shocked to see the good attitudes and nice behavior. I mean they say “excuse me” when they need directions—they say good morning back when I stand at the door and greet them. Yes, they are real (finally—2nd period scared me yesterday with their sainthood). At first I thought it was cultural. But the fact is when I walk around campus I see the same permeating attitude. Yes, I see bratty kids and, yes, some try to come to school half dressed and make out in the halls. I mean hello, this is American high school. But there are far too many cultures in that place for it to be cultural. Is it CA? Maybe that is why. Is there a different standard of education? It is true that education in this state is approached very differently. Some is good and some is bad. But I think it is environmental.

Think about this. When you enter a rich, fancy home don’t you treat things better than when you enter squalor? Of course this school is not like one of those shopping mall schools like Allen HS in Texas. Nor were my last two schools squalor by any estimation—BUT when you give kids well-kept grounds new buildings and an appearance of excellence, don’t tell me that doesn’t affect their behavior! I first realized that as a visitor to Allen HS and I about fell over when I recognized the differences. Atmosphere affects you. Setting affects stories because setting affects real lives. If you are mad at your friend and about to lose you temper, you contain it much better in a walking tour of the White House than you might in your garage.

So yeah, I like my kids. They are not Texas kids. There is a difference for sure. And I do miss my Texas kids. They know I dance. I have a bar stool-style chair and I put the tutu around the base of the seat. It is the Tutu Chair and is very popular already. They ask me to dance but I am still gun shy. It is not the kids. I thrive on the energy of teenagers. One told me I am the most interesting class because I am the only teacher who “is not boring… you’re happy.” Maybe it is the atmosphere for me too. I am afraid if I am too silly and get caught in action someone will freak. It is not like me to be that way. It is especially not like me to be that way when I am not sure how long I will teach in CA public schools because of this immense negativity among some faculty that drags you down. I mean, part of me says, great—then if they don’t want me I will have NO choice but to go.

But so far so good. I seem to be well liked enough. I have resisted a couple people, including one who thinks Jesus is an exclamation rather than the Hope of Glory. She needs to shut up or that could be my first problem. I am hoping that once she realizes I am serious about God that will help her tone it down. Many people will if they realize. But by and large it is good. Today the educational specialist asked me what I was doing a certain day. I had to tell her I was not available because it was a Tuesday and I have classes. But it was a site-based campus leadership committee she was asking me to be a part of—after three days on the job. I took that as a positive sign even though I had to decline.


A tough issue is if the union keeps this leave agreement I likely will not work there next year SOLELY because of that even if I stay in public school. I find it offensive as a professional to disclose my personal life. When I call in sick the don’t require me to tell the sickness. This agreement encourages lying among most—and docked pay among people like me who won’t lie. Just because I moved it doesn’t mean Shachah and that ministry is not a part of my life. I won’t give it up for a job. It is something I will address if it looks like I like it here and want to stay. I will take it to the union myself. (Of course I will.) This is NOT a CA policy—Jenna’s district doesn’t have it , so it can be modified to be less intrusive. This just happened recently-it was not even in place when I was hired.

I am still sounding like a dying frog from the cold I have had since about Sunday afternoon. Today most of the voice went. I still can’t breathe clearly. This has NOT been a fun week physically. I have had so little energy. My schedule is INSANE. It really is. I am not sure I realized what I was doing. Monday nights I am home but I also have to take classes for my CLAD—a CA certificate that you MUST have that basically qualifies you to teach ESL. My district makes us get it. I do definitely work for one of the best districts around. They reimburse you for all CLAD expenses. They pay FULL benefits not only for the employee, but for the employee's family. I mean, I got the cream of the crop, but it means harder work too. My schedule is full and good, but it makes me not want to move on Fridays and Saturdays but alas! That is my only social time—or, lets be realistic, time to grocery shop, do laundry and, oh I don’t know, read a book or perhaps take a walk or go on a hike in the mountains if I ever have time! Already this weekend is booked. Sundays got fuller because after my church service—which runs late (and I LIKE that), I now go to the other church (the one with the prayer center) for Sunday night services! And as soon as I am well enough to need a bit less rest than I have needed this week,--which looks like it will be Friday morning--I will be attending the prayer center early morning prayer at least a couple times a week. I was standing in dance class Tuesday night at the Pasadena Civic Ballet looking at myself in the big mirror and thought--I could be in any dance studio anywhere. Wherever I go I am still me--I will dance as long as my arms and feet move. I will teach as long as I love kids and they pay me to do it. I will pray wherever I find a place where people gather. It is a nice feeling. While much of this has been an adjustment, some has been simpler in that sense. I am who I am wherever I am. That is reassuring.

I am betting it won't be too long before I am dancing across the classroom again (I have a pair of ballet slippers in my desk drawer).

It is way late and I can’t even breathe as I sit here. As soon as the washing is done (emergency load) I will be in bed (since it is hooked up to the sink with water running I like to be around when it goes). I already took Nyquil.

First day of school day. It was good—I really was—but I simply can’t tell about it now or I will crater, as Bobbin says. I went from work to Terry’s for the haircut to church which was great. But then I remembered I had to have oranges for breakfast. Let me tell you, when I have a cold to not have oranges in the morning is like taking away heroin from an addict. No joke, I must eat oranges with a cold. My body craves them. Can you have an orange addiction?

So I will try to write tomorrow night. I have ballet after work, but then am home. However, I am behind on my college classes and have many more things to do as well! YIKES! I am feeling very overwhelmed.

Beverly Reyes blessed my classroom the best it could be done not having anyone there in body or at least in voice.

The kids here are better behaved and MUCH more respectful than kids I taught in Texas. Go figure on that one. But I mean even out on campus the attitude among ALL students as a whole is better. That surprised me. I expected LA to be worse I am in a good district but there are still a lot of kids of all races and socioeconomic levels. Tyler was much more a rich white atmosphere.

Some teachers are cranky. Kids are great. And my principals seem to be helping me.

Looks like I get to go to PA in November.

I will update more later—when I have time. I have no time again. So far I have been too sick to go to early prayer too—my body can’t handle it—but that will start as I improve. As for now, I have to go to sleep. The laundry is almost done.

And so am I.

Ballet Class #2. Also great! TOTALLY different. Very professional and civic ballet-ish. But it was good. I drugged up enough to make it okay through class. It was a real workout because I pushed myself. I have grown so much as a dancer in the last year or so. So I love both my classes.

And I am exhausted.

And still sick.

I am going to sleep so I can wake up healed!!!

Tomorrow the kids come but I won't be home until at least 9 p.m. so don't hold your blogging breath! I teach straight through to a meeting to a haircut to church--doesn't look like I will get home at ALL. So more when I can breathe again--both figuratively AND literally as I am having trouble breathing!

Ballet Class #1. WONDERFUL! An older lady (complete with bun) who looks stern but is a teddy bear. Her goal is to impart a love of ballet to students and teach them at their individual levels. So I am supposed to be in intermediate. I stay enrolled in beginning on the college records because then it allows me to take it repeat many more times. The best thing is that she has an intermediate advanced class on Thursday nights and anytime I want I can skip my Thursday afternoon class and go Thursday night—so I can be totally flexible. She has a Saturday morning Modern Ballet Workshop class I may also attend. I simply cannot fit it all into my life. But the Thursday flexibility is exciting and helpful. Also I told her about the kind of dance I do (in the dance world it is called LITURGICAL) and she was excited! She mentioned a church in Pasadena that has it. I looked it up and they offer dance workshops. They have tambourine stuff too so I wrote them and flat out asked their source for tambourine (I am picky about it because the only tambourine syllabus in the world ever created came from Aunty. Most people who teach it have been trained under it and that is GREAT, but there are some like the ones I have mentioned who change her books and redo them and those are the ones I avoid. Because of my years with Shachah I want to protect that anointing, and so I risk sounding a bit finicky, but that is okay. But that could be exciting. In fact, it seems that I may have more dance here than I know what to do with.

I have not solved my Shachah problem. I think if they can’t let me take the time under the new policy then I will be docked, so I have to make it so I only miss one day of work that way—or a day and a half. I don’t know. It is hard enough paying for these, but I need to go. Need to. And it certainly could not be foreseen that they would CHANGE a policy on me this late. I planned ahead. I will live. One way or another I will make it.

I have one hour til my next ballet class starts and I feel really bad. It as not allergies but a cold. I have a fever, that much is obvious. I feel so bad. All I do is drink drink drink and it is not enough. And I get to put on TIGHTS and a leotard and a skirt and go dance. I want to go to BED right now. If it weren’t the first day of school I would probably consider calling in sick! Not cool! Did I learn NOTHING last weekend?!

Anyway, I am going to grab take-out after class and come home, inhale it and sleep. The plan is to go to early prayer at the church tomorrow—I started getting up at 5 to pray again but I stayed home today.

Well, time to confine my ailing body to black tight clothes and go be a happy ballerina.

Chubby goes to Ballet Class-Part Deux!

Labor Day and I did nothing. Not true, really, but somehow I equate doing something with being somewhere. I was home virtually all day til just recently. I planned that as my life gets so crazy this week—truth is, if I make myself so bored I can’t stand it then the next day I wake up ready to roll even if I didn’t feel like it before. Single people have to do a lot of funny little games and stuff to discipline themselves sometimes. I think that is good though—the other option is no discipline.

Anyway, I went out after 4 because that was the time to register for the civic ballet classes. I was greeted by two girls who looked about 20. One was in a pink terrycloth tube top sweat suit outfit and actually looked good. Hi, I feel like I weight 400 pounds. As I said to Jenna: CHUBBY GOES TO BALLET CLASS!

So yes, friends, for the first time in my life I am enrolled in THREE classes a week of classical ballet. How could I not improve? These classes are all over an hour—a total schedule time of 4 hours 25 minutes of class time per week. And two of these are for college credit so that means work. The other class is taught by a woman who had her own studio in Chicago—all I know so far. I came out of registering thinking, I can’t believe I just did that! I am working full time and taking three ballet classes a week. Note: You can FORGET any substantial correspondence form me on Tuesdays! HA! I will be dancing from the time work is over til bed.

Anyway, I have allergies so bad I feel literally sick, even my glands are very sore—a very discouraging thing after being in a healing conference! I didn’t want to take anything so I waited a full day before I gave in. By then of course I felt lousy! UGH! Guess I need more than a day to build my faith.

Anyway, after registering for dance I went grocery shopping for last minute before-I-go-to- work-and-shopping-is- a-luxury-food. Soon I will eat dinner and work on my room before bed. My room is the only room in the house that doesn’t look like I have lived here a while. Due to excessive clothes and miscellaneous items, I am in mass chaos in there. I finally found a place for my aunt’s teddy bear collection and that helped. I will make it somewhat done before I go to sleep. God and I also have an appointment tonight to set up some new year stuff. The beginning of school is always a pivotal time in my life.

I wonder what the year will be like. I wonder when I will get to blog about it! On Wednesday I have to stay after school for a meeting and then go straight to Terry’s for a haircut, straight to church and straight to bed. I WANT TO BLOG!!! If they got a computer in my room, perhaps I can update at lunch or something. My conference period is first thing in the a.m. (GAG ME!!!) so that is a possibility.

Well, I am going to head toward bed. It is early but I feel so physically bad that I don’t care. Divine health is elusive thus far.

Deep down, though, I realize, I get to go to two dance classes tomorrow.

I’m free to dance again.