I think it is a very good thing that I went to the website of the school Dr. Hayes works at now. I looked at it from a teacher’s perspective and saw things I did not like. The class schedule is horrendous (bet he doesn’t like it either). They have eight short periods a day starting at 7:20. That is a teacher’s nightmare. But that is good because I cannot get it out of my heart to work for him again. A little reality helps.

Fact is, I don’t think I will last at this district. The personal days issue is bad enough but it is too professional for a school for me. They are to be commended for the high standards, but there is so little room for creativity. I don’t even have to write a lesson plan because there is a book for it and they are mapped out for me by the publisher. My lead teacher handed us the outline of the project we were to give our students. I asked my department head if there was any room for creativity. Being the sweet person she is, she was very sympathetic and said there was. But it is run more like a major corporation than a school. This is district stuff. And I guess if they had scores and achievements off the roof it might be more understandable, but when I come from higher achievement and am more stifled, it is harder, you know.

Do not read this as BAD. It is NOT bad. On the contrary, as a teacher the perks are amazing. The salary is higher than I imagined. The extra pay is good. I found out I even got paid for going to a textbook training for two hours one afternoon in the summer. They PAY for after school meetings. The benefits are incredible. It is not bad—but I am not sure it fits my goofy personality. I have let myself go more in the classroom. It will probably get me in trouble. How do I teach without doing silly dances, and how do I function having to have special permission to travel with Shachah when I have 10 days off and signed up with that guarantee? These are big things to me. One limits a major part of me IN the classroom and the other OUT of the classroom. So I guess I am a bit disconcerted because I don’t see a long term relationship here. Mostly I am just praying. What else can I do?

I am starting to love my students. Some of them have the BEST personalities—my last two period classes are a RIOT. I LOVE them. But I have no personal involvement with them and that is hard. If you don’t sponsor a club or something it is just about impossible to have that consistency that forms relationship. And I don’t. It is going to be a long year in that sense. Despite loving these new kids, I truly miss my REL kids.

Anyway, I am okay—just trying to take it all in and play it all out, looking for answers. I wonder how much trouble I will get in this year for being a free spirit…

I am going to take a shower soon and refresh myself. I have been cleaning and stuff before Terry gets here. It is forcing me to find a place for some loose stuff that I just let sit upon unpack

No matter what happens with all these thoughts and situations, I can honestly say I am learning much that will impact me. In fact, I might have realized a great lesson today just walking down the hall. And sometimes the truth is you have to let go of things you love to see how much you love them. In this case I mean THINGS and NOT people—even though that may sound like a veiled people reference; I really mean things, but I will explain that a lot later when I am sure my initial reaction is reality.

Truth is never a single layer.