I almost walked out of church today.

I was not mad at anyone, not depressed. Nothing extreme like that. It was the tambourine. I was playing it during worship and I felt so SELF CONSCIOUS all of a sudden. Nothing was any different than the weeks previous. NOTHING. But it is Darrell. My pastor—the man I love and respect. The man who pretty much stands next to me in worship. The man who is a great drummer. I am so self conscious I rarely play a pattern when I play. I know I COULD. I feel like if I could shut everyone out and then warm up, then I could get it. But then I think and that messes me up. So after years of real playing practice, I stand there and thump it like I have never seen one before. And today I think I was so annoyed that when I realized I could not even think, I seriously thought about just leaving. It was not even a burst of emotion. The next song was a bit better—but I was still thinking much more about the music than the worship. That happens when I lose confidence and I have lost so MUCH confidence that it is a battle. I am doing so well at home alone but church is hard—being isolated is hard and knowing that it is not likely I am going to be close to anyone soon because there is simply NO opportunity for involvement. So I am still shaky at church. It is hard—like everyone knows a secret but me. The only thing is, I know more of the secret than they think I do.

Today I went to a new member meeting. What a trip! Darrell kept referring to me with the group “Susan knows this…” etc. As Terry said, I could probably TEACH the new member class. Yet about three people in the church know I am alive. It is so hard! I spent countless early mornings in my FACE in intercession for this church-but they don’t know that. So I have poured my heart into this place for 6 months yet they think I just arrived. That is no one’s fault, but it is hard from at heart vantage point, you know. Terry hears me make my comments about Texas and the future. I am not sure she knows how serious I am.

So I stuck it out—today was definitely a day I did not live by feelings. I felt like an absolutely incompetent, unanointed dancer. The sermon was good and that helped. But I am still out of the loop and don’t have any idea how to get in since there are no open doors. Why didn’t I ever recognize that? I was looking at the big picture, not the little entryways.

Terry is not going to cut hair anymore. She told me the whole God story and I was relieved, I think. What she told me I saw several months ago. Maybe that is why I was frustrated. The good thing about discernment is obvious, but it is very bad when you don’t know how to use it and you just let it ferment in you—so I got frustrated instead of asking God if there was a reason I could see it. Most of this came to her through words from people. I knew all she told me—but in my mind I was thinking selfishly. It is easier now that don’t care about people in the same manner, you know. But I am so happy for her because I know God is going to do some major stuff now that she has.

Meanwhile I languish with pathetic moments of discernment. It is probably bad to dislike your spiritual gift. I see things in the Spirit too much, I think. I hate it most of the time. I have never been taught how to use it. People don’t teach you stuff like that—and I don’t tell ANYONE what I see. The problem is it can sound like judgment and negative stuff if not channeled right and since I don’t know how to channel it, I try to ignore it, but I can’t. I have asked various people for help over the years, but it hasn’t worked. There are people I have avoided for that very reason. I knew something was off, but everyone loves them. Then about three months later something happens. It is weird. I remember it happened one day in Tyler at early prayer. I had the creeps. But I figured it was just me being a jerk. I tried to tune it all out. In the end I don’t know what exactly happened but I know that person disappeared. I don’t know what to do with it, but I know it is real because of things like today. I won’t repeat that personal conversation in a blog but I know it. It also works in good ways. There is someone I know that many people get frustrated with, but I have such a heart for her. It is that same reason. I can see something deeper—I LIKE it when it is that way!! So I have this one gift that is in such strong operation and I have no use for it because I have no clue how to use it. There are plenty of people who THINK they can tell you but I can spot a spiritual phony a mile away—or on a less harsh note, people who THINK they can advise you spiritually but really they are not at that point either. That is very frustrating.

Anyway, that was all an aside. But it was good in this case. I just think about it sometimes. After church Darrell had a board meeting (he has still not said a word to me!) and so Terry and I went to lunch with her son and his two friends (who are relatives of Rob and Debbie’s in AL and no one told me!). We had Italian food at a place I thought I never heard of and realized when we walked in that I had been to about 14 years ago!

It was nice to finally go out to lunch after church. If people only knew how such a little thing can make a person floundering feel welcome—But that was not any different in Tyler or in Quitman. I was rarely asked out to lunch with the big crowds of families and friends. I hated it there too. I hate it everywhere.

I did not get home til 4:30. It is 6 now. One free evening til the chaos starts. I am so behind on emails and MORE behind on schoolwork! I get to go to the doctor tomorrow. Normally I would not care—and after my healing room teaching I wanted to never see one again of course, but the fact is of this other problem I am not in a place where I know what to do and I have prayed all I can I do believe if my faith were greater God might just heal it. But the bottom line is that right now I don’t know and I can’t take going through it anymore! The tendon is an aside. I want pills to have on hand so when I need to dance I can use them until that is healed. My faith was built up a lot but I am not there and I know it. When I get there I won’t even need health insurance! Of course that could be good because if I am back in Texas I won’t be able to afford it. Out of curiosity I looked at the salary scale for Dr. Hayes’ school district. It is about $5000 more than Tyler but $7000 less than here. VERY discouraging. Or maybe that is good.

This morning I went back to hotwire.com. I have been monitoring plane fares, hotels and rental cars daily on all sites for Thanksgiving. I have even been having DREAMS about this! So today Hotwire’s prices went up on rental cars. The travel industry warns Thanksgiving prices are about to shoot up. I keep plane tickets on hold with American also while I pray and wait and hope also for lower fares. So several things happened this morning. 1) Katie from Blue Mountain (my PA trip) emailed and said that she could at least get me in a dorm for my trip if I could handle it. I told her YES. I would LIKE a room, but a dorm guarantees me a cheap bed onsite and that means that I do not have to worry about dealing with paying for an Allentown hotel. If a room ones up I can still get it but at least I have this guaranteed. Second the car rental rates going up made me decide to search Priceline. I bid a ridiculously low amount $13 a day for two days (the idea being that I would fly into Tyler the 27th and get to Dallas the 28th to pick up the car). It was accepted. So I have a rental car whether I want it or not. I have not bought the ticket—giving prices one more day. But the price I have is LOW. The next closest price is $65 more. The hotel rates have not changed and that is the least of my worries. If worst came to worse I could talk to Shachah and they would house me somewhere. I would prefer not to do that because of the activity, but they would help if I needed it. I won’t though. So now my only real obstacle is to get to Forney on the 28th. (and if anyone is reading this and going to Dallas to shop the day after Thanksgiving or something and want a rider, EMAIL ME!) Beverly already said she could get me from the airport in Tyler on Thanksgiving and I could spend the night there. I want to do two things in Tyler on Friday. I want to go to early morning prayer (more than ANYTHING!) and I want to see Dr. Hayes if I can. I MIGHT get to go to church Sunday. YAY!!!!! None of this is set in stone yet, but I can even pay more bills and work this out so I think I can make it work. The Blue Mountain room opening helped too because that greatly lowers the cost of my PA ministry trip.

Anyway, I better stop blogging for now. I want to walk to the store down the street—I have no oranges or milk for breakfast (I had to keep throwing milk out!) and I can’t imagine eating without at least one or the other. I meant to go grocery shopping today but when you don’t get home from church til 4 p.m. that thought is a bit overwhelming since I shop at two stores! So I am washing some clothes and flaking out. Maybe after the doctor tomorrow I will get there.

Well, dusk is approaching so I better get my shoes on.