So I go to church and we pray for each other. Figures.

It was good though. I knew the sermon was for ME. Not all of it—only the last part—fear of isolation. Although I guess I don’t fear it since I have it.

I was blessed—I had Terry on one side of me and Cindy (the worship pastor’s wife) on the other. Terry knows me and I would bet a plane ticket that Cindy operates in a gift of discernment—so at least I got prayed for. Darrell came and talked to me before church—just asking me about my week. I don’t want him to know how bad I feel about some of this because he is the most kind and loving man I know. After church Terry asked me how things were going and I told her the truth. I told her I did not want ANYONE to know—especially Darrell. I am weighing talking to him. He was the one with the practical insight before I moved, yet I don’t want to disappoint him. It seems I have my other close friends.

Someone forgot to get the flags out today. I noticed it as I was banging my tambourine and asked Darrell—he said someone must have forgot. The church still stood there and danced, but the flags were missing for sure! I wanted to offer to be the one responsible to get them out, but I have shied away so much that seems like major stuff.

I did not use my own flags, but when I saw a certain song come up on the screen I knew I needed the streamer. I have begun to ask God WHICH flags and streamers, and even tambourine tassels, I need. This is the second week I did that, and it has been right on the money. I had to force myself to dance today but it helped. I took the streamer and danced as I felt led on a powerful song I love that we used to sing at home. That was the best part of everything. I was almost surprised it helped but then that is my heart and is between me and God. I can handle that part mostly.

Was it worth it? I listen to “Believe” a lot now. It appears in an earlier blog entry

I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour
I'm not satisfied to have the form,
but not the power
I'm not satisfied, Oh Lord I am crucified in You

I lived for the freedom to be in that power—and to be free. Now I have it. I have freedom to worship. There is one thing I thought I was coming here for that I got.

Was it worth it?

I listened to this song on the way to church today… my eyes filled with tears.

Am I willing to sacrifice everything I knew for a chance to bang a tambourine and dance?

I am still hunting plane tickets. I have pretty much decided to go to the wedding. I won’t go anywhere else. I will stay in Dallas. Unless the wedding is late enough for me to go to church, I won't go to East Texas.

Somehow this new leave policy at work has made me realize even deeper what Shachah is to me. They are like family in a different sort of way. And the thought of not being able to be with them when they have made me so much of what I am is unbearable.

Later now—I have discovered lower priced travel. Get this. If I fly INTO Tyler and OUT of Dallas, the fare drops over $60. So I am seeing if maybe I can find a place to go in Tyler on Thanksgiving and then have someone take me to Dallas. I can pick up a car and stay two nights in a hotel and ended up saving over $100.

As for PA if I fly into Newark, NJ, I can get a direct flight on American that pushes my frequent flier miles to the next level for a free ticket and also puts me 2 hours from the retreat center—only 20 miles farther than Philly but a lot less travel time due to having direct flights. I have a flight on hold while I wait to hear from the Blue Mountain people about that airport so I am sure. If so, I will probably buy it tomorrow and go about renting my car. So I am finding ways. I will always find a way. I have been home for a month, and it is time to travel.