Happy birthday, Bobbin!

This was only my second Sunday at my new church. In fact, I have been to the church across town more! Anyway, it was good. I admit that I am still a bit out of it here. I don’t have a place. I will have one but thus far I am the new kid on the block and I HATE IT. It makes me worry about everything. I have obviously experienced way too much dance trauma because I am actually fearful at times when I dance. Today was GREAT as far as worship goes. I was okay with the tambourine. In fact that part was the BEST and broke me though—which of course is one major spiritual quality of the tambourine, that it brings breakthrough. Patterns came to me and I was playing the real stuff—nothing fancy but definitely playing, I have been afraid to even try but today’s music was right for it. Some songs easily lend themselves to the tambourine. But then I got more trepidatious. I had only brought two flags, one streamer and the tambourine today. I did not even load up my bag. They don’t want my streamers yet, so no one but me uses them. Anyway, the next song needed flags. I picked up two and played them together—which I never do. But I could really feel it—I was actually even doing some stuff I learned months ago—it fit. And the next song needed a streamer—fortunately I had brought a smaller one. I was right on with the tools I brought—the exact streamer and flags I needed, but oh-how-I-worried. Pastor Darrell was right next to me. I did not plan that. The problem is the fact that I switch tools and usually do the streamer to the side but the tambourine in the center. If it were not so crowded this would not be an issue. All I could think when I opened my eyes and looked was “am I going to get a lecture about how I could almost hit someone with my streamer? Maybe I should offer to stand in back.” And actually I probably will do that. There sure is more room back there. Anyone who knows me knows I like it better away from scrutiny anyway. No, there has never been ONE word every uttered about dancing other than to say we are free. In fact Wednesday night PD said “you will never hear from this pastor that you need to calm down or stop dancing or whatever.” He said this to everyone in context of what he was talking about, but I still worried. There is more to this worry, but I know much of it is the years I struggled for total freedom. Anyway, since no one attacked me, yes, worship was nice. I needed it. I needed more actually I need to play and dance and move everywhere.

I decided also that I have to just be who I am right now, even if it doesn’t look as perfect as I would like. For instance, I do not like talking to strangers so in the meeting time at church I do not wander around like everyone else. I realize some people could perceive that as I don’t want to be involved, but I have decided that is their problems if they do. I am going to do what I want and what is me as long as God is not telling me something otherwise (there was a lady today I felt I was supposed to talk to, for example, but I don’t do the social butterfly thing until after I know people). Will it cause some people to have a wrong impression? Maybe. But I am sick of worrying about it. I will dance as free as I am led every time I am in church. If something happens, then I will deal with it then. Scared or not, I move. I am so used to dance attacks that it is not even funny. I mean, people would be surprised if they knew some of the things I had gone though relating to dance—especailly 3-4 years ago when it was new. But that also makes me extraordinarily sensitive to it. I have not paid a heavy price like Aunty Magrate, but I have paid a little teeny bit, and I will protect it with my life as long as it is an anointing God seems to have put in me—which I still don’t understand. Even this morning I knew a God Thing was happening but I couldn’t imagine, why me? Makes no sense. And yes, it is hard. Dance must be one of the hardest things I have ever done The strain on your physical body only parallels the strain on your spirit as people play tug of war with you. I thought today of Aunty. How amazing that she has persevered through 20 plus years, I think it is. She could probably be a millionaire from plagiarism lawsuits alone. Not to mention the amount of meony her skill and tarining could command, but she chooses to focus not on that but on God. And yet people still regard her as less than because they don’t like the skill, the effort and the discipline. They want some mamsy pamsy approach to dancing and think she is too tough. As Robin has pointed out to me many times, she has paid the price. There is no one I would rather sit under in this ministry. No she is not perfect—every leader has faults, but her heart is about as right as it gets and give me that any day of the week.

I am telling you there is nothing like spending years with a ministry like that and then being separated that will make you honor it more than ever. I wish people knew. But you know what? The ones who will fight for it know. Vickie will know. Maria will know. People like that will know and overcome. And maybe one day the worship dance world will realize that the price is the cost of the anointing. I see that in Aunty. What a powerful anointing. I cannot imagine paying the price she has, but starting Tuesday I am on a deeper track anyway. I have to do what I can.

You can tell this is really on my heart now. It really started hitting about the first Saturday morning I could not just drive two hours to Shachah—and when I really began to see the impact—and also to see that I live in the second largest city in the nation and can’t find a worship dance class. I sure don’t mind teaching but certainly there are more qualified than I am. But you know, in myself I could offer little but I have been trained so well. This year will be the first women’s conference since 2000 I have not been to at CFNI. THAT is hard. I will not be dancing with them. I need to be very busy those nights so I don’t think about it!

People think I teach dance here. It is really funny. If they only knew. I think I am starting to get it though—it is starting to happen that I can dance and flow and have it work. I wonder what my ballet classes will be like. I decided today to sign up for the other one. If this one doesn’t work out and I don’t have another I will be in the dark. I must have enough dance that I don’t long for it and ache. But the fact is, until there are some true dance classes that are for worship in my life, I will ache.

I am going to church tonight here in town. I don’t know what their services are like, but I am off in a couple hours. I am looking forward to it, yet I am very overwhelmed by how I am ever going to fit in all I have planned. Here is a sample rundown of what it appear might be my average schedule:

Mondays: Work 7:45-3:20 Nights open or tambourine in Ventura from time to time or prayer from 8-10 p.m. and/or antiphonal singing (House of Prayer)

Tuesdays: Work 7:45-3:20 Immediately to ballet class at college after work, one hour or so break to ballet at regional ballet.

Wednesdays: Work 7:45-3:20 church 6:30-9:30

Thursdays: Work 7:45-3:20 to ballet again til 6 or so (then open)

Fridays: Work 7:45-3:20 open or prayer from 8-10

Saturdays: possibly sleep (but not always i.e. this week Bible study at 9!) laundry, cleaning, shopping—possibly prayer center stuff at night.

Sundays: My church from 9 –2, eat, other church from 6-?

Of course from time to time that will deviate--I randomly take nights off or afternoons off or whatever. But that is the master idea. Don’t be fooled by the “open” times. Those are my only times to have a life! For instance, this Friday I am driving to Orange County to have dinner with David. I will leave right after work and get home at bedtime. Then I have to get up at 7 Saturdays. So yeah, overwhelmed is a good word, but I have to have dance and prayer and that is the bulk of it. Church and work or the only things I could cut out. Sometimes I think I would be better off dancing and praying without church—and I love my church! Just my feeling on American Christianity—after all we respect the men more than the Lord (see previous entries).

For all the great restaurants here, do you know I could not find a fast food Italian place anywhere between North Hollywood and Pasadena? I drove by one that might have been but missed it, but there is nothing like Fazolis that I have found yet. So I am on the hunt. My first couple weeks here I inhaled Middle Eastern food after East Texas Deprivation for 9 ½ years. Then I continue to alternate between Panda Express and Baja Fresh (or Rubios)—and then today my Italian appetite returned. I ended up settling at a Trader Joe’s in Eagle Rock and buying a frozen gourmet (is that an oxymoron?!) dish for later and a noodle salad and these funky Middle Easter pizzas (that are more like a spicy thin crust) for lunch. I was disappointed. I LOVE to go out to eats after church, but there was no one to go with. But no one ever asked me along in Tyler either with the exception o f a short sons with Beverly and another brief one a year before for a bout a month, so it is nothing new, but I am ready to enjoy after church dinners with people.

Anyway, I need to get in gear and do real stuff. God is speaking to me about some things and that is going to mean some changes. It won’t really be anything anyone else will see—just me and God. God and I discuss a lot of things no one ever knows about, but ten they will talk to me like I should have thought about this or that. Give me a break! I am a pretty solid believer… does anyone really think I can be a strong Christian and not operate in truth with God, even if I don’t share it with anyone else? I see a lot more than I let on.

The inward eye is a powerful thing.