the end.

It was the road trip that lasted almost a year. On March 7, 2003 I left Tyler, Texas with my car packed to the brim, headed to California for a road trip adventure.

I had no clue what was to come.

The road trip took nine months. In that time, I have seen a new life spring forth—with great labor pains, to be certain.

I have said a lot in this blog, but there is much I have NOT said, and now it is time. I went to California for a visit, found my heart’s home and went into a whirlwind romance until I was loading my stuff in a Penske truck across the miles to a fantasy I thought would be home.

As anyone who has read this blog knows, my fantasy fell to shreds, yet, with the exception of a few people, no one knows why. But it seems unfair to write a blog as long as a book and not have an ending.

I don’t need to detail how I came to move to Los Angeles because it is all in the blog. You can scroll down or search the archives for those details. Nor do I need to detail the tale of coming home. But there was a lot in the middle that I am about to expose. If one reads carefully—very carefully, and I think Robin is the only one who knew before it happened—the hints were there. You will find, encased in my prose, comments like “Everything is in place but my friend is missing.” Or church comments like “Was it worth it to give it all up for a chance to worship freely? Is worship that important that you can sacrifice the rest of your life?” Perhaps those are not word for word repetitions, but they convey the idea with which I was writing. Obviously, I was not happy. But as I mentioned recently, in the prison called Los Angeles, I was the one with the keys all along.

I learned the most important lesson of my Christian life, but bear with me, folks, because if you have grown up in the church, you risk blowing it off as church lingo, the catch phrases pastors use. But sometimes those abstract church terms become a matter of life or death, so read this entry if you have begun. And hear my heart—hear what I learned that I thought I already knew. How merciful the Lord is to save us from ourselves! Had He not I would be dead in my sin. Being alive in the flesh is useless if you are dead in your sin. I learned the hard way.

Okay, here goes the pure, and finally unadulterated, truth.

I use the word unadulterated in there even though that word has a clichéd meaning. A writer would tell you not to use clichés because, by definition, they have lost their meaning, but this time it fits. The truth was adulterated when I lived in Los Angeles—which of course does not make it truth. To be unadulterated it must focus wholly on a holy God without room for skewing. Truth is black and white. In Los Angeles I became gray.

I guess it started even before I left, when Terry had not called me after her vacation and before I left. Robin says I was a wreck on the road. .I guess I figured it was the stress of traveling and moving across country. But when I came back I drove alone for three days SICK and was not a wreck, so I suppose she is right. When I got to Los Angeles, the decline began. The root of all evil, I am beginning to think, is offense. And that is what I did and why I almost sacrificed my very sanity.

Terry hadn’t called. When we showed up at her house, they were gone and had left us a note. Inside I was thinking scary thoughts—here I was giving up my whole life to come to Los Angeles and my friend wasn’t even there for me. And with those thoughts I, in essence, issued the devil an invitation. And the little spirits scampered along for a hell-filled joyride. At the time it seemed like very righteous indignation. I ascribed labels to it that reflected on her, not me. I was the one making a supreme sacrifice for the call of God. How about some support here! I had no idea every thought was mental cancer spreading throughout my spirit.

Of course, I loved Terry so much that as soon as she did call or I saw her, all was okay. I was just happy to have my friend—until the next disappointment.

Within a few weeks it got worse. There were very unusual complications to all this—which I see now were things God allowed for reasons, but all I saw was the absence of Terry. Also, she was very sick for several weeks and so it was this war of wondering: WOULD she be around if she were well? But I didn’t think so.

And then the dance thing happened. I was going to lead, to be involved. Terry had scheduled me to do something at the church. Pastor Darrell knew of it. But there was a communication gap and when this happened, I fell hard. The offense in me grew to such proportions that I could hardly stand to live with myself. Meanwhile I had asked Pastor Darrell if I could talk to him and he had not replied but he HAD replied to my other emails. So there I was alone in Los Angeles and absolutely indignant that my old friends didn’t care.

And then as the offense built, so did my judgments. I would watch Terry at church and think “oh yeah, but what about what she did to me… “ Blah blah blah. I was full of it and thought I was right. I was so wrong.

At one point Terry and I talked and I told her how upset I was, but somehow it didn’t end up too well. I calmed down and felt well enough to come to church after missing a week, but in my heart, I was still bothered. I felt rejected, alone, and useless. Dance was all I had—there were no other ministries in the church for me. And even if there was a prayer ministry—ever tried to pray through a heart of offense? Ha!

I barely talked to Terry outside of church, until the day I wrote her a letter and told her I had had it and was sorry to disappoint her but I was going home to Texas as soon as I could get out of there. She called me that day and that was probably the start of a change. She was very kind and loving but I was so offended and upset deep down that I could not really receive it. She prayed for me that day and I lay there on my bed with my eyes open looking around my room. I couldn’t receive anything.

And then there were other consequences. Not only did I react that way to Terry, but it went to God. It was Halloween night. Terry and Pastor Darrell came to dinner that night. I had thought about canceling but after my trip to Texas a couple weeks before and my talk with Pastor Jerry and better focus, plus having it out in the open that I was leaving on the next train to Texas, I decided it would be okay. We really did have a great time. I had so much fun with them there. But it was after they left when I sat typing a letter that I realized the depth of it all. I had been crying for weeks, literally a cry of grief. The only tears I had ever cried at such a level previously had been when my mom died. But I didn’t know WHY I was grieving so deeply. And then I realized.

Go back in this blog to March and you will find the night Terry gave me a song called “Dance with Me” about dancing with Jesus, the lover of my soul. It became MY dance and MY holy romance. That became the metaphor of my whole LIFE. I fell so deeply in love with Jesus. I said I felt like I was getting married. I danced that dance both at Tyler Metro and NHFA and it was anointed because the Lord was in it. And then Halloween night it struck me—I felt I had been jilted at the altar by Jesus. My Christian foundation told me that was impossible but my feeling told me I was alone. And the disdain I already had grew to HATE. I HATED that song and that dance. I despised it. And it was an ugly hatred. In church, if I went, I could not dance to any songs that used a metaphor of Jesus as lover or husband, or anything about being in love with God. They were not truth to me, and at the time I couldn’t see what a big lie I was living.

After that realization, I knew I was in trouble. Immediately I knew I had to talk to either Pastor Darrell, Terry or Robin because they were the only ones who could understand since they knew the history. At this point things were better. I had talked to pastor Darrell after he didn’t respond because I mailed a letter to his house. It was a misunderstanding and we talked and it was okay. I got to a more neutral place with Terry. And I found it was hard to hate people who kept loving you anyway.

Robin was the only person who told me I was letting an offense control me but I couldn’t hear her. I yelled back that no I was not—my life was ruined because I missed God.

And in the quiet nights alone I believed that. I HATED my life. I hated my job with a passion. I hated driving anywhere, hated all the people around, sometimes I even hated church because everyone had a niche but me. I would sit there and wonder how I went from Miss Spiritually Mature Christian to Loser in the Lord. Did I miss God completely?

I grieved everything I had given up—my great Texas church where people knew me and liked me. My students I loved so much and my great job. My apartment was bright and nice and I could park right in front of it, not way back on a covered carport far away. Besides I gave up a normal rent and a place where everyone is nice. I gave everything up for a fantasy that never happened. I was so stupid, I thought. I HATED myself. I hated my life. I sank into a depression deeper than I had ever been in since becoming a sold out Christian. Robin had the closest clue of how bad it was, but even she didn’t know. It was BAD. The only thing I didn’t question was the basics of my faith—I questioned all the doctrine—and let’s face it at the rate I was declining that could have been next. One lie, one offense and it begins. The seed is planted and then the fall begins.

I actually tried to get counseling. I am one of the most sane and stable people I know in many ways, but there I was calling therapists on my off hours. Of course I would not dream of seeing a non-Christian because deep down I knew my problem was spiritual. But nothing worked out. Every door I knocked on for ANYTHING when I was in LA became nothing. Furthermore, I was sick and tired of hearing stories about Job from people. Truthfully, I was getting kind of mad at God for what He let happen to Job too.

I felt hopeless and miserable. I never wanted to die only because in my mind it would be worse to die in the pit of hell known as Los Angeles.

I would get in a routine and function. I never got so much sleep as when I lived there because I would come home from work, sit on the internet til my butt hurt, eat dinner and go to bed by 9 or so. I even dropped out of ballet class after a couple months.

I had a few happy times but all were when I went away—My trip to Texas, my trip to Pennsylvania. Mostly I was miserable. And one day I was listening to a CD and a song came on. A line in it reminded me of a move from a Shachah and before I could help myself I was seeing a dance in my head. And then I sobbed because new could not dance it from my heart. Every time I heard the song after that I sobbed because I remembered I used to be a person who could dance that with passion, and now it was dead. I cried for what was.

The day my friendship began with Cindy is one I will always remember because it was the Women’s Word Study and I was sandwiched between Terry and Cindy at some friendship themed Bible study. Gag me, was my prevailing thought. It was after the prayer time when Cindy looked at me and asked me if I knew God had called me there for a purpose and I burst into tears and told her no, I knew nothing. Of course the whole time she talked to me and tried to help, I had a secret inside—even as I write this she doesn’t know this—but I knew that I had an offense against Terry and that was going to prevent things from happening as she was saying. So I guess I wasn’t totally ignorant.

And where was Terry in all this? Loving me. She became MORE compassionate the more miserable I got. I remember talks after church when she was trying to say something spiritual to me and I just couldn’t get it. How could I if my mind was not God’s?

Meanwhile, it was not working out for me to talk to anyone about my Jesus Crisis. I almost wanted to talk to Pastor Darrell the most because as a man I thought he would be the most stable to discuss it with since it was so emotional in me. Then I was going to talk to both of them together. But it didn’t work. And then the most amazing thing happened. It DID work for me to talk to Robin over Thanksgiving. I was encouraged, but then a few days later I hit my lowest point.

Wednesday, November 19, was the worst day ever. I literally about snapped. I got so depressed that I was non functional at work. We had a meeting first thing at work, and I had to go sit with teachers and look as if I cared, and I could barely stop crying long enough to see. By this point the daily crying on the way to work had stopped but this day I was so miserable I could not function. I had decided by then to move home at Christmas. Anywhere in Texas was fine with me. And by then I didn’t want to go to Tyler anyway. I had had a conflict with someone there over something small and, not realizing it, I took it to heart so much that became a NEW offense and I suddenly saw the wonderful church and city I lived in as all bad. Why would I REALLY want to go back to Tyler Metro, I thought? No, I just need to be in Texas, I was just glamorizing the old.

This was another example of how one little offense can twist your mind so much that you can believe things OPPOSITE of how you saw them the day before. My Texas pastor, Pastor Jerry, says when an offense goes so deep, beyond the normal fleshly sense where you deal with it, and a spirit attaches itself to it, that the spirit that comes in amplifies the offense and everything else like a microphone does to our voices. I asked him if could use that in my blog because it explained so well what happened to me.

So I had decided to move home—Dr. Hayes had at least part time work for me, which I was confident would be full time. I vacillated between going to church or not bothering because I was so sick of church junk. Eventually I found a great church online and corresponded with the people there and was excited. But then I had to re-lease my apartment. I was constantly showing it but no one was buying. And that Tuesday night I remember I had hope and nothing had come of it. I went to bed depressed and when I woke up I was so down I felt like I had 300 pounds sitting on me. I had some codeine pills, allegedly for my tendon pain, and I took two right before my meeting. They got me able to say “good morning.” That wasn’t the first time, but it was the worst time—and the last. That day I sent emails to David and even Pastor Darrell. I told him I knew I sounded pathetic but I was struggling very badly and I needed prayer. I saw no point in putting up fronts. I was going to put up so many fronts it was going to kill me at that rate. I found a test or something for the kids to do and sat at that computer all day trying to say little so the kids would not suffer in my depression. I called Robin and left a message that I need her. This was not new—I had cried to her multiple times since I had gone. But this time I was lower than low. Of course all she knew to do was pray, but it actually seemed to help despite how low I was. It lifted some of the heaviness.

And that was when things started to change, from the outside in. First, circumstances changed—a money thing I needed to happen happened, and then the renter came back again to look and decided to rent. I was starting to be encouraged circumstantially that maybe I was getting out. The next day the college called wanting to interview me. But it was Friday, November 21, that the spiritual deliverance came.

Terry had come over to help me pack. We really had a good time. But then let’s face it, if I did not enjoy being with her so much I would not have been so hurt by all that happened, so that really was not a surprise. Later on she shared story with me about something spiritual that was close to her heart. And a few minutes later she said the words that forever changed everything “So you want to do some praying?” I think I told her no, at first. But she wouldn’t let it go. I told her I couldn’t. But she said she needed ME to pray for her and that situation. Thank God she didn’t let it go!

At first I wouldn’t pray—couldn’t pray. I couldn’t do it. She sat and sat and sat, patiently waiting. I WANTED to, but how could I? Sure I was calmer than I had been—hope was coming—I was probably getting out, the depression had broken, but still—I was not queen spiritual . But she sat and waited—a long time passed, but then I gave in. I prayed—and actually it was easy—I really did believe what I was praying—the issue was one I could relate to and really feel in my own spirit—as dormant as it was!—and also I guess it is one of those things you don’t forget how to do: Pray. The words came out, tentative at first, almost as simple as my first prayer with Robin six years prior. Then she prayed. And then we were done. And as we sat there I recognized something I had not felt in months—the settling peace of the Holy Spirit fell in the room. I didn’t know it at the time, but the deliverance had come.

I have not been the same since the second we prayed. If you have read this blog you will recall that I went to San Diego the next day to scope out a Shachah site for a conference, and I was praying all the way. I felt peace and closeness to God for the first time in four months. But I didn’t understand why one prayer had done it.

The next week I went to Texas for Maxine’s wedding. Of course I was not going to Tyler because I was offended. So the last thing I wanted to do was to be where I had hurt. But I was so much better with everything that I hardly even thought about that. I realized the insidious thing about offense is that you can justify it is gone simply because the initial hurt or anger has declined—when in all actuality it is buried and festering. We say we are over it but we aren’t. Everything with Terry had changed, but even though I thought I was okay with the other thing, I still had warped thoughts about home. I guess I knew it wasn’t all okay but I didn’t know how to deal with it. Fortunately, God did.

I had a great Thanksgiving at Terry’s house. My day started at 4:30 when I woke up suddenly. I had been waking up early a lot since my deliverance. I had been praying like I was making up for all the missed time. Since the day I went to San Diego I had been listening to the song that made me sob with longing. Thanksgiving morning I knew it was time to dance it. I danced to it at 5 a.m. and then fell on my face in prayer. I told the Lord that I submitted to Him. I had already told Him I would STAY in Los Angeles if He wanted me to—and then I even went and applied for a job in Los Angeles and posted my résumé online just to give Him the opportunity to open doors easily. I meant it. I also told Him I would submit to Robin’s ministry next that weekend in Dallas because I knew I needed something in that area of the Jesus Crisis.

Thanksgiving night I shared with Terry about all that—this was after she had given me my birthday present—a delicate cross that symbolized so much then and even more to us both now. We were doing well—we prayed that night and I prayed first—easily. Praying has been easy since then. I was without it so long when it is the heart and call in me that I became determined to never let it go again. Terry believes this is a ministry call I have—All I know for sure is it is a deep passion and has been since my first prayer with Robin in 1996. But I let that die too.

But there I was in Los Angeles and everything was so much better. For the first time since I moved I felt peace. I could stay or go and I was okay because I was walking with God again—but I didn’t know WHY. The answer seemed to come in that ministry time with Robin. That was essentially a night of intense prayer, and it worked. Over the next couple days everything burst open in the Spirit and all the answers came. I knew when I talked to Tara that Sunday night after seeing Robin and couldn't explain why I was better but just that I was, that where was more to it. That made it sound so arbitrary, but I didn’t get it. The answer came on Monday December 1—exactly 6 years to the very day I had my first deliverance—the smoking deliverance and vision of Jesus. Robin had prayed something where she talked about letting offenses go and that came back to me as I prayed that morning in Aunty Rose’s home. It was before my college job interview. And as I prayed—I think I was praying in the Spirit—I saw what had happened on November 21. I saw WHY one prayer had made such a difference. Terry was the main target of my offense. She was the friend who hurt me, the one who did something wrong in my eyes. And I had been separated from God for months because of this offense but I didn’t realize that was it. I thought I had just missed God. But I saw it in my head and I can still see what I saw December 1. Prayer is the power God uses, and prayer is one thing that died in my sin. BUT that night when we took hands and prayed, I prayed sincerely because I cared—we had had a nice night so my heart was softer. I prayed a genuine prayer—and I believe the Lord showed me that morning that when that happened the Holy Spirit was allowed back in to move—praying with the offender broke off the offense and released the Holy Spirit. That was when the deliverance came.

I drove to my interview that morning BEAMING and worshiping. It was on my way—on I-30 as I prayed—that I was thinking of Tyler again and saw the church in that marred picture I had had since the other offense. And then I realized what had happened. One person in her own struggles had said the wrong thing to me and my view of an ENTIRE CHURCH AND CITY was changed so much that I never wanted to SEE it again. I think you could have heard me repenting all the way to Arkansas. And then I picked up the phone and called the person. We didn’t talk til later but we had a great talk because my heart was right again. I love her more now, I think, because now I see her a picture of God’s work in me. If I had held on to that, I would not even be living in Tyler now.

The final puzzle piece came 30,000 feet in the air Dec. 2 as I flew home, still lost in worship and love for the Lord. I looked out the window at the clouds and told the Lord how much I loved Him. And then the Jesus answer came: “He didn’t leave ME at the altar—I LEFT HIM” That is what my offense did. You can’t go to the altar of God with a mounding offense—so Jesus stood there waiting. Loving—until I came back and joined Him at the altar.

And Terry stood there loving me alongside Him. I resented her; I judged her. But she loved me. I always said they had the strongest anointing of love. I even said—GASP—I wanted that anointing. God is faithful even when we are not.

But love is it. I learned that by being loved—I learned that love is more important than I ever knew. Loving someone can affect their spiritual life. If Terry had not loved me, it is unlikely the offense would have broken off as completely. She was willing to serve me and be with me when she knew—in fact, she knew before I did. That is true love—and she loved me back into the Lord’s arms in an even greater way.

I know what love means now. I don’t always know how to do it. But I know that love means you LOVE—PERIOD. You look on others with compassion and favor when you want to slap them. You cover a multitude of sins with forgiveness. And you never ever let any disagreement in your heart.

Something happened recently that hurt me pretty badly. I wrestled with it because I did not want it to be an offense. And then Robin and I had a big conflict in the middle of that. That is what I wrote about the other night. But I could recognize it—I didn’t know HOW to keep offense from developing, but I cried out to God. He was so faithful and poured out grace—it wasn’t me. The next day all I felt was immense, even greater love for Robin and the other issue was tempered. I still didn’t understand it, but I was again filled with love.

I have a picture I have had by my side since right after Thanksgiving. It is that silly picture of me standing between Pastor Darrell and Terry on Thanksgiving—in that cheerleading costume. I cherish that picture because it is a picture of unity.

The analogy I make now is academic. Since my deliverance experience of 1997 that changed me forever, I have felt like the Lord has almost given me a Bible college education. If I were to detail all the opportunities I have had and people I have sat under and lessons I have learned it would seem like I was in Bible school. I even made a list once in a letter to Terry, like what the course would be called and who the teacher was—it was pretty incredible. And then I realized what this was like. I have always said that Pastor Darrell and Terry were the most anointed people in the areas of love and forgiveness. So I realized that God allowed me to spend a semester away taking a class in love and forgiveness from masters in the field. That amazed me. And I think it was with that realization that I knew it was for more. I have thought that for years. I have said it and others have said it, but I think I began to believe it. I know the is a call to something—I don’t know what it is but I have known it for years, but after seeing what God did in this I knew. In fact that day after Robin left when I was praying in the Spirit, I knew what was happening—I saw that door open that day and felt it had just been released in the Spirit.

I am so thankful, God could have let me grow complacent in my offense. When you look at many Christians you can see it frequently—the words people speak really do reveal their hearts. People have so many unhealed hurts that haunt them. Why did God pull me from the swamp instead of letting me sink? It was my choice. I was in rebellion to Him. I sinned. It was SUSAN! Every true misery in LA was my own blooming fault. It probably could have been spared in JUNE when I had my trip out there and the root started. But I didn’t want to face it or confront it—what if it didn’t go well and then I didn’t want to move out there? So I buried it. I didn’t go to Terry or try to deal with any of it. It was my fault.

For the record, blog readers, hear this loud and clear. I made a decision that was right—pursuing God passionately—and one that was wrong—letting myself get offended. The wrong one is the antithesis of the Cross and negated the right one. When Jesus hung on the Cross even the Father turned His face away. GOD CANNOT BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SIN! Why was that so hard for me to understand while I was busy being “right”? Now I get scared when I hear people get upset with people—which of course I hear all the time because this is the real word. And of course I struggle with it too—hello, last week it was me fighting it even after great revelation! But I get scared because I know the pit it can become. I would literally bet MONEY that if we went into any mental institution and were somehow able to see the root of what made a person “crazy” we would find an offense. The difference might be the magnitude of it or timing in life, or the previous stability of the person.

Many people do not know how unstable I used be. If not for the mighty hand of God in my life I would have been in a mental hospital at least once. I would have been a lot of things, none of them good. The Lord has worked amazingly in my life over the years and I am very sound and stable—often more so than many around me who have always been considered “normal” but I know it is God’s work in me. But because of my predisposition to instability, I saw clearly, I think, the wiles of the enemy when I came out of this. It is never right to be offended, even if someone slaps you. It makes it all so clear—why Jesus says turn the other cheek. It is not for our enemies but for us! He knows it will save our lives. Yesterday I read a verse the whole world knows, but it struck me. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, nether will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15, NKJV) It is clear. Some things in the Bible take interpretation. That doesn’t.

The other thing I read a lot of is I John. Teach me to love has become my prayer. It is hard—it goes against my nature but it is life and breath so I will learn.

Since the breakthrough on November 21, I have been a different person. I was only away a semester but I grew up. I did. I am not the same person who left here in August. That is why I hate the question: “So you just decided you don’t like it out there, huh?” It was so much more than that. In the end I went to both Pastor Darrell and Terry. We talked separately and I told them this story first. I repented and never had to wonder if they would forgive me because they already had the love revelation. Terry said that she had already forgiven me even before I came out there. She knew. The night told Terry we shared communion together—a very significant and special event for us both. We are stronger friends now than before. And in two weeks I will be on a plane back out there to visit again. I am the only person I now with a church in Texas and a church in California—and I regularly attend both!

I stand in awe of my Lord who has loved me enough to give me victory in an area where I asked for defeat. We go so delicately by the grace of God. I think maybe I understand how great people fall. It takes ONE slip up, one open door and the decline begins. I know because I did it. Who is not vulnerable?

The enemy roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.

He roams and searches and we get mad that someone did not return our call again or said the wrong thing.

Come on in, Enemy, I have prepared a table for you.

God loves me when I do the stupidest things ever—how dare I, in my humanness not love those around me? So now I am learning—present tense—not learned, but on the right track.

Over 10 months ago I left on a road trip to California. It was going to be a fun adventure. All the details are contained the previous pages of this blog. I intended this blog to last a few weeks at most. But Susan’s Road Trip to California became a real metaphor. It was nine months from start to finish. I don’t think that was an accident either. God works in cycles. I feel like I was born again all over again. I love God so much more than ever because I understand His love in a deeper dimension. I had no idea what a tough lesson I would learn when I left last March. If I had a clue of HALF of what was to happen, I would never have gone to California in March. But I don’t believe for a second it was a mistake. I think exactly what was supposed to happen did. I would not have learned this lesson in my cozy life in Tyler. I am a compensator. Things are bad in one realm I fill up the other and deny the first. Offenses can ferment quietly that way—someone in my personal life hurts me so I focus on work and don’t deal with it. But in LA I had nothing good but church and that was tarnished with the offense., I had nowhere to run and nothing with which to compensate. That probably saved my life. That was the most populated wilderness experience ever, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The effects it has had on me are amazing also. Not only has it begun to teach me about real love in a way I never understood, but it has grown me up in all areas of my life and it has settled me. If money is ever okay in that sense I am actually talking of buying a house. Susan put down ROOTS. But I guess it makes sense, I have put down enough of the WRONG roots, so maybe it is time for the right ones.

I returned joyfully to Tyler. I love my new life, my new home and my new job. My only hesitation is that I cannot get too attached while this job is considered INTERIM. I hate that word! IF it goes permanent, I start house hunting in a couple years. I am ready to live. Somehow this one revelation ties up a lot of loose ends for me. I don’t have it all down perfectly by any means. But I have enough that I am anchored. Just as my smoking deliverance anchored me forever even though I had some terrible times emotionally after, so has this give me an anchor that cannot be moved. It is too heavy and deeply ingrained. And I am reminded of God’s grace daily because the anchor that could be immovable in me COULD be my sin, but instead it is HIS forgiveness. And in His great love has restored all to me that I thought I lost—and then some. I have a better job, better home, me friends, higher salary, more stability, and more hope.

So I am home. Really I am home. I committed to love and give. I am committed to walking it in whatever way the Lord opens a door for every call I feel in me. I have had too much put in me to wait until it randomly appears. God is moving and I am going with Him. In the last week a new move has started in me that I can’t even explain. All I have to say is sometimes the very thing you laugh at can be the thing God does in you.

So the new adventure begins. Perhaps there will be another blog soon. But I am not sure I need one anymore. My blog is a book and now it has an ending. So much has happened and so many things have shaped me. But only one thing matters and that is the ultimate lesson—old words with a new meaning that will forever make me different:

The greatest of these is love.

1/9/04--One thing that amazed me is how one minute everything is so me, and the next it is so God. What He did today is utterly astounding to the fleshly part of me, and yet I know even greater His grace and mercy.

Love. It is all about love now. And I don’t think I will ever escape it again.

Sometimes the test of true deliverance comes when faced with the next great crisis. Two weeks after I was delivered from smoking, I did not see the POINT of not smoking. I was so upset, despondent, rejected, hopeless. How do you see God through that? And yet at the crisis climax, what Jesus had done was greater than my pain.

This was similar. It was also miraculous. Nothing I did.

Sometimes you see how far you have come more by what you DON’T do than what you actually DO.

If I would ever finish this long blog with that final entry, all these abstract entries would make more sense! Sufficient to say, today was nothing short of a miracle of the power of God working in a human life and causing freedom where the devil seeks bondage.

In other (ordinary) news today, many things came together better. I got heat, got enrolled at UT for my grad classes, and completed a lot around my new home. I will probably move tomorrow. I bought a computer desk and bookcase today. The bed came this morning, and last night Tara, Donald, Micah and I got my mattresses. My room is wonderful and when it is fully complete will be my glorious haven.

But my favorite room in that whole big townhome is the prayer closet. And I am not kidding when I say that the glory of God lives in that room. I mean, it is almost overwhelming. I guess when Robin and I prayed last weekend God moved and that place became my place of prayer. I am not sure I will ever want to leave that place simply because of that teeny room where I will meet with God in many glorious moments. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.

I am hanging out on the couch in Robin’s living room. I was so cold today I could hardly stand to breathe in air. It was around 20 degrees this morning and climbed all the way to the 30s. Ow! But even though it is utterly miserable, I LOVE it.

Work was fine—a couple boring meetings but not much else. I left in the early afternoon and went to a Super Wal-Mart to buy stuff to make dinner for Robin and me—as well as to get some things like pans and even a bread maker.

I forgot to go to the post office AGAIN. Is it Freudian? A subconscious desire to keep this as my address? I mean that is just STUPID—who wants to drive to Quitman all the time! I MUST go tomorrow.

After work my sofa is being delivered and then I will go to church so I probably will go straight to Tyler—it will be a long day. Maybe it will be warmer. I am under an afghan and chilled through and through. It is supposed to be 18 degrees tonight.

Had some emotional ups and downs today. So which part was God from Sunday night? What was my own feelings? Was it all Him? So hard to tell, to learn—to grow in the Sprit—and yet nothing I want more. And that unusual thing in me… I can tell it is still there even though nothing like Sunday has happened again. Robin says t could just simply be the joy of the Lord or the rivers of living water welling up in me. It is something—and it causes me to glorify God so it is something good, but that is all I know…

I questioned Sunday night’s decision today. But after talking to Robin she said something she didn’t even realize that made me decide I have to give it more time, so we will see. Meanwhile in the little emotional time, some truth came out of me again. It is something I must discuss in depth with the Lord, perhaps even tonight, but something I know I must deal with. This is harder because with Terry and Pastor Darrell I knew hw I would be received—with Robin I know too, but not this time. But I can tell the underlying hurt exists and must be confronted. Freedom comes with truth, not cover up.

And the blog continues almost as normal, but it is not—maybe this weekend I will eke out the rest of the story. But soon.

Tara and I are furniture shopping Thursday and getting mattresses. I will have heat then too. Friday the bed comes and I imagine that Saturday or Sunday I will move in there and out of here. Three weeks. I have prayed more than once that God do a quick work.

Can it be quick enough to satisfy a lifetime?

In Quitman today the temperature is topping out at about 40 degrees; tonight it will be 22 or less. Yikes I am COLD! I forgot how miserable cold can be as I started work today in college-land. Oh, how delightful to be treated as a PROFESSIONAL. Okay, yeah, I had an in-service schedule—but no one cared if I went to any meetings. I did not see a sign in sheet all the glorious day. I attended only the morning assembly before my immediate supervisor took me aside so we could talk-then we went and met my assistant in journalism. I spent all day in the newsroom. I attended no more meetings. Tomorrow’s 9-5 schedule is now 9-12 for Susan—there is some mandatory meting in the morning but that is it. After lunch is an OPTIONAL 4 hour CPR class. Like DUH!!!

I was welcomed by everyone I met but knew even more. My supervisor was amazed. She kept introducing me to people I knew well! It was funny-and it probably made me look good. That is what I need. Although I think the real effort will simply be in if they can GET the full time position approved. That is hanging in the air for now—looks good, but no promises. That is the only downside—can’t get your heart fully involved til you KNOW.

On the other side of my brain is what is happening spiritually. Something major happened last night and yet today it is so normal in the world that I almost wonder if I imagined it all—even though I know I didn’t. Tonight I emailed Camilla to ask her for some Scriptures she gave me years ago explaining something I didn’t understand—only this time I was asking because it is happening to me. This followed the astounding, powerful prayer time last night and the changes that I am not even sure I understand. I made one tangible change and though it has only been a day I notice no difference—after almost two years I wonder if I will at all. All I know is that I believe God did something. I believe Robin—I believe the anointing in her, and I responded based on what I had in my head afterwards. So I acted in faith. I have not told Robin yet, but she will understand how significant it is. I suppose we won’t know for weeks. This blog will be long over.

Yes, folks, it will. The ONLY hold up is finishing that long final entry where I tell the rest of the story. I just need to take time and sit down and do it. I think now that I have found the answer, the ending of the story, I have no real desire to continue this blog. I maybe start another, perhaps for other purposes. But the road trip is over. Sometimes you learn things in a week on the road, and sometimes it takes nine months, but you either learn or waste away in that area. God is faithful. And now the learning has expanded. I don’t know what He is doing right now. I don’t comprehend it. I am used to my mind being actually engaged but that is it. So there are new paths ahead, new things for my God and me to do together.

I will embrace every moment!

When the things you used to think were nuts start to happen to you, you know the Spirit has come upon you in a new way.

Double major wow!!!!!

The Lord worked a miracle in me tonight. I experienced a mighty anointing as Robin prayed (so did she--even moreso!). And the heavens opened. Literally, I think.

Major WOW!

I don’t blog much these days. the reason for that is twofold: One is because I am at Robin’s still and if I am home I am often out talking to her, not blogging. Duh—like there is a choice. Two is that I am almost done anyway—currently I am working on the last blog entry. I have written about a page of it, but it is hard to write, hard to express. It may take me a while—especially since my life is loony again.

I start work tomorrow. I am not ready. I guess if it were just classes it would be easier, but I have two solid days of 8-5 in-service. That consumes my day and part of my evening,. This is only two days but it is not a great time because there is so much going on.

I just got home from church and am finding myself a bit out of it. Church was good. In fact there was a sweet anointing permeating the entire place this morning. Communion was beautiful, and I enjoyed the service. But I think I am too tired. I have little energy today. I am just too tired. Period. Since it is almost 4:30, sleeping would be useless. But it isn’t helping me since I am so exhausted. I did not even go by my place in Tyler today. I can’t handle masses of boxes when I am overtired.

I have definitely made the right decision because the idea of commuting to church is simply GROSS. This is my second Sunday of a rainy commute and I don’t like it. It is too far to go and come—you want to linger but when you do you have a whole hour before you go. It will be good to live by church. Work commutes are different.

So I am not sure what is ailing me. Maybe some minor anxiety—nothing huge but more like the way you feel when there is so much that has to happen in a specified time period and the idea is a bit overwhelming. Also maybe a bit of apprehension. New job, new home, new friends.

That is another thing: Friends. Yikes. I find myself wanting to run fast and far from people. The very things I though the Lord told me to do are TERRIFYING me now that the newness has worn off. I realize the truth of that: Unless I feel God I not direct me or has changed His mind, then I stay with the instruction I have unless otherwise directed.

But I am not sure I am strong enough. Sure I am grasping some stuff way better and operating in it. My prayer life has snowballed. My intimacy with God is on a deeper level. But, darnit, that people thing is tough. This morning in the midst of a very nice service and lovely worship I found myself wrestling with the same feelings of wanting to run. I won't of course; I’ve nowhere to go anyway. I already went. I am back with new vision.

No one told me that new vision could be a bit hard to see all the time.

People are telling me they are glad I am back. I could not have really asked for a nicer welcome back than I have received from people. And Carissa phrased it best when she said it was like I never left—there I was sitting near her where she could hear me laughing at the funny things Pastor Jerry said and the usual stuff. I told her that is exactly what it felt like to me too.

Maybe that is it: Maybe it is too familiar and that is what is off today.

Texas TIDNOTES for today (you would have had to be in church this morning to know what a TIDNOTE is!) include a cold front that meant it was almost twenty degrees warmer when I walked in the restaurant for lunch than when I emerge red from eating. I forgot how East Texas weather changes so suddenly. I was HOT when I left the house this morning and so could I was almost shivering when I was leaving to come home. Lunch itself was rather Texas—Armadillo Willy’s. I no longer flinch at seeing things like the “dillo wrap” or express surprise that the offer a Buffalo Burger.

Texas is strange at times, but it is still me.

I realized just a minute ago that this blog really is almost done. I have said that I was finishing it before, but it wasn’t in my heart—it was formulaic. But the season is over. I am not sure exactly WHEN I will finish it. But I know it is about done. I guess one thing I have to do is write down the last revelation—the greatest one of all. Literally, it is the greatest. I am not up to that yet—I am far too busy rushing around and doing the crazy life settling stuff, but it won’t be long. I clicked on the blog file tonight and I just saw it—it is almost over. And that is good.

I am not who I was when I began. In less than a year I have grown many more. I grew the hard way. Still, I grew.

Today I got an apartment. It is a lovely town home. I was wandering around a store looking at furniture in complete awe. I had not yet been approved for the apartment but I knew I was going to be. I have never in my life had as much peace as I have had in the last month. I knew it was happening and I was in complete awe. How could this be REAL? I wondered. God is so merciful that it is astounding. This apartment is mine? This job? I am getting new furniture? But wait! I am Susan Tyrrell… it is not supposed to be that way. God thinks otherwise, I guess. I will never understand a mercy so great.

So I am in awe. He has restored all the enemy sought to steal, but with greater depth and quality than before. The people, the places the life… A few months ago in my own ignorance and fear I practically cursed Him. Now I can only weep in repentance for such an act. I love and worship and adore my Abba Father. He is the reason I live.

What other reason IS there to live?

I went back to church today and felt like I never left. If not for Pastor Jerry welcoming me back publicly I would hardly have thought I was away for a semester. It was wonderful.

It was also neat because both the Sunday school and church messages were confirmations of where I am and what God has been doing. In church there I was again with a flag in my hand, dancing around in worship. I was beaming at the grace of God. I mean, it was really like I never left. Only I had—I left and grew up.

The message was awesome—as Pastor Jerry is. People welcomed me—even clapped when Pastor Jerry welcomed me back. I realize that some might feel a bit embarrassed by returning after 5 months, but I don’t. I am so confident in the work God has done that I can’t possibly be anything but positive. Someone teased me “See, I told you, you weren’t supposed to go. “ I said “No, I was supposed to go, but now I am supposed to be back.” “Why did God send you back then?” “Because He is gracious and when He teaches you something, and you have learned it, then He releases you.” That is it.

So I am back. I am home. New Year’s Eve night when the dancers don their costumes and dance to “Days of Elijah” I will be alongside, doing it with them. Like I never missed a beat.

I went to lunch with Jonathan and Lisa and we had a blast. I LOVE being with people where we talk about spiritual stuff like that. They are so neat and I see how many good friends I already have here. I am so blessed. I shared the skeleton of the story with them but not the heart. Not yet. But I promised to have them over for dinner and share it all. I saw my revelation truth play out more today. It is amazing stuff, yet so simple.

It was very funny because one ministry I feel the Lord telling me to involve myself with is, of all things, the singles’ group—a group I have avoided at every church I have EVER attended! But I feel that is God’s desire. I had not even talked to the person in charge of singles when she came to me and said “So are we going to get you involved with us this time?” I laughed and said that was exactly what God had been leading me to do. So before the New Ear’s service, I will meet them for dinner in Tyler. I suppose obedience should begin immediately.

I am already seeing things I felt in my heart from the Lord be true.

He who called me is faithful.

Excerpts from a couple letters to Terry today:

Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. She cannot believe I am like this--I think it is just release and freedom—a little touch of Holy Spirit drunkenness—I love it!!! My free spirit is my favorite part of my personality and it has been gone a long time!

Later... I am so high that I think I am truly a bit drunk in the Spirit--no joke. I was here at Robin’s and poor Robin has had to put up with me laughing all day. Like I cannot stop laughing—over and over I laugh and laugh. In fact for a person with bruised ribs, this is not good! So then we were home later and Robin was cleaning and turned some music on and the song was one that expressed my heart and I turned over on the couch—Robin probably thought I was resting and I was praying and praying and taking in the song. And then I thought OH MY GOSH! I was about to lose it in a good way right there—and while I suppose Robin would have understood if I started bellowing out my prayers and praying in the Spirit as I was feeling, I realized I needed to go to my prayer spot here in Quitman, where I have not been in AGES—possibly years. So I threw on shoes and told Robin I was having a God moment and had to get to my prayer spot. And Zoom! I was out the door. My car easily found its way to the old spot—down the winding back roads I had not been on in years. You know I told Robin yesterday, I am proud of myself that I can navigate LA freeways with ease after a few months there, but I would like to see most Angelinos drive down the pitch black back roads of East Texas and find their ways. That makes me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Anyway, I found this spot I have been going to for TEN YEARS, almost! But back then it was a place I used to go read depressing poetry—a place I wanted to go kill myself—and God redeemed it and turned my “suicide spot” into my “prayer spot.” It sits in the midst of tall trees overlooking a lake and it is still always. It is so incredibly gorgeous in the night—you drive down a back road and then off the beaten path in front of a gate to nowhere. And I sit and pray. For years I have had talks with the Lord out there but tonight was the first in ages. I was completely lost in worship and prayer. I felt I really wanted to pray for my return back. Tomorrow as I embark on church again, it will be like a formal reemergence into East Texas society. I wanted to commit it to the Lord. And then I lay back in my seat, hands extended and worshipped and loved God and took in more of the Spirit—I could feel that all through me. I ended with a CD –the one with my deliverance song on it and remembered again the journey.

I am having wonderful experiences with God but they are for more. I really believe that now. With all my revelation has come serious epiphanies and it is real—I know it. Anyway, it was an awesome time with God—almost an hour in the woods and then back home where I promptly began giggling again when I talked to Robin! You know what it is though? I know EXACTLY:

It s the OIL OF JOY.

That is the term that comes to me. Before when I was miserable I thought once I got her I would crash and cry and just sort of cry it all out form the months of misery. But now it is like a crash but a revival of my spirit and this laugher that has been going on since Christmas ended—and thus the stress of planning and all that happened—is joy. I just looked up the verse. You know it well, I am sure—even though I did not relate that it was from Isaiah 61 when I thought of it:

Isaiah 61:3 -To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I think that is my verse suddenly!

Excerpts from a copuple letters to Terry today:

Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. She cannot believe I am like this--I think it is just release and freedom—a little touch of Holy Spirit drunkenness—I love it!!! My free spirit is my favorite part of my personality and it has been gone a long time!

Later... I am so high that I think I am truly a bit drunk in the Spirit--no joke. I was here at Robin’s and poor Robin has had to put up with me laughing all day. Like I cannot stop laughing—over and over I laugh and laugh. In fact for a person with bruised ribs, this is not good! So then we were home later and Robin was cleaning and turned some music on and the song was one that expressed my heart and I turned over on the couch—Robin probably thought I was resting and I was praying and praying and taking in the song. And then I thought OH MY GOSH! I was about to lose it in a good way right there—and while I suppose Robin would have understood if I started bellowing out my prayers and praying in the Spirit as I was feeling, I realized I needed to go to my prayer spot here in Quitman, where I have not been in AGES—possibly years. So I threw on shoes and told Robin I was having a God moment and had to get to my prayer spot. And Zoom! I was out the door. My car easily found its way to the old spot—down the winding back roads I had not been on in years. You know I told Robin yesterday, I am proud of myself that I can navigate LA freeways with ease after a few months there, but I would like to see most Angelinos drive down the pitch black back roads of East Texas and find their ways. That makes me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Anyway, I found this spot I have been going to for TEN YEARS, almost! But back then it was a place I used to go read depressing poetry—a place I wanted to go kill myself—and God redeemed it and turned my “suicide spot” into my “prayer spot.” It sits in the midst of tall trees overlooking a lake and it is still always. It is so incredibly gorgeous in the night—you drive down a back road and then off the beaten path in front of a gate to nowhere. And I sit and pray. For years I have had talks with the Lord out there but tonight was the first in ages. I was completely lost in worship and prayer. I felt I really wanted to pray for my return back. Tomorrow as I embark on church again, it will be like a formal reemergence into East Texas society. I wanted to commit it to the Lord. And then I lay back in my seat, hands extended and worshipped and loved God and took in more of the Spirit—I could feel that all through me. I ended with a CD –the one with my deliverance song on it and remembered again the journey.

I am having wonderful experiences with God but they are for more. I really believe that now. With all my revelation has come serious epiphanies and it is real—I know it. Anyway, it was an awesome time with God—almost an hour in the woods and then back home where I promptly began giggling again when I talked to Robin! You know what it is though? I know EXACTLY:

It s the OIL OF JOY.

That is the term that comes to me. Before when I was miserable I thought once I got her I would crash and cry and just sort of cry it all out form the months of misery. But now it is like a crash but a revival of my spirit and this laugher that has been going on since Christmas ended—and thus the stress of planning and all that happened—is joy. I just looked up the verse. You know it well, I am sure—even though I did not relate that it was from Isaiah 61 when I thought of it:

Isaiah 61:3 -To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I think that is my verse suddenly!

Friday December 26, 2003

Today was the perfect day. They don’t happen often but they sure are great then they do. Robin and I went shopping in Dallas. We had a perfect time, laughing gabbing, being together. It has been a very long time since we had this much time together to relax and have fun. I hope it is not that long til next time. We had a delicious dinner at Maggiano’s Little Italy at Northpark. Then we came home, after some more stops, and I finally shared the rest of my revelation with her. We talked a lot about God stuff and especially the Holy Spirit.

And then we spent forever praying. Okay, so it was probably more like an hour or maybe a bit more but it was incredible. Since this prayer thing in me has been revived and God has given me some real direction in it, I have had many lingering times of prayer alone but this was the first lingering time I had with someone else an the power of agreement is so awesome. It was one of those times when I just looked up and said “WOW!” There is nothing in the world that can be compared to when the Holy Spirit just falls like that. Some people tonight where probably doing everything from drinking to just being stupid with people they don’t know well in an effort to attain the very peace that we had because we lingered in the presence of God in worship. Why do people want to be outside the presence of God? Nothing else works. But then I know how easy it is to slip—how diabolical the enemy is. I know because I was just there. But when the Lord revealed to me WHAT had happened and WHY it happened I was changed forever. I am not the same because, yet again, the truth set me free.

I am feeling so much better today. Yesterday my ribs were terribly sore and I was still hacking. I told Robin I wanted her to anoint me with oil and pray for me. And she did before we went to bed last night. At fir it was just an ordinary, if nice, prayer, but then we both—we discussed later—felt something change and felt that God was touching it. After we prayed, I instantly felt better than I did. I have not taken any cough medicine since then and my cough is a mild occasional cough, not a hack. The really sore rib is barely painful and though there is another that is a bit painful, it is so mcuh better it is amazing. I was on my feet all day and it did not make it worse. I know God touched it and I said to Robin that when we prayed I wanted us to thank Him for that—to me it was important to say a real thank you—not just in passing—this is something I have really learned from Terry that I love so mcuh and want to incorporate. You spend time, for example, asking God for something. Then you get it and it seems right that you should then go spend time in thanksgiving. I love how Terry thinks that way and I want to be conscious of that. So I was glad it came to me to do that.

I am working VERY hard and cultivating these things. I did not get zapped with my life changing revelation and suddenly become Miss Holier-Than-Thou—what happened is I realized how important some stuff was and now I am working on it daily. It is hard but worth it. I believe it is the right way to be and I want to be that way. I may have plummeted low but seeing what the weakness was and knowing the truth has transformed me even more. You cannot have a realization and truth from God like this and ever be the same,. And yet I feel a great responsibility with it and will do what I have to in order to live it. And I feel distinct direction from the Lord already that I am attempting to act on.

I got a call back today on an apartment I was looking at. Beverly saw it and called me. The rent is great—it is a duplex that is a lot like a house and huge in a great neighborhood. I will see it Monday. Of course there are many others, but Robin saw me drifting off into Apartment-land many times. I haven’t had a home for a long time. I haven’t had a home since I went to Los Angeles over spring break in March—that is when my heart went out the door. I stopped making a home and started packing it. Pasadena was never home. Never. So I am ready. I am ready to buy furniture and set up a house. But I know even though I am ready it will be hard to leave here—how utterly wonderful it is to be in this house and enjoy the continued fellowship of my own spiritual mother. I couldn't do it forever, but I think it is just what God ordered after the prison term in LA. Of course the scary part is that I had the key all along.

But now I am relaxing and enjoying being home, being in Quitman, even. I enjoy the country air, the Bobbin bobbing around—the nighttime prayers. When I leave we are trying a three week schedule—it is okay but it will be a big adjustment for me, I know. No matter what I do or how busy I am, there is n time like my time with Robin. She is my true spiritual mom and these moments raise me more and more into a mature woman of God.

That is priceless.

I have not blogged much lately. It is hard. I am living at Robin’s and my full sized computer is on a hardwood floor. Thus, I either have to sit or lay on the floor which is cold, and besides that my ribs are very sore from being bruised, so it is simply uncomfortable to blog. I expect to purchase my new laptop tomorrow at which point blogging can be done from in bed.

Christmas was nice. The fact is, I am very bad at being confined to one house all day long and sitting. I think I realized that this year. I did Thanksgiving okay this year because I was cooking half the dinner. But I go stir crazy after a few hours of inactivity. That is no reflection on where I am. I felt the same at my aunt’s each year. Very nice but I am always ready for the 26th when options open up again!

This year started off special though. I went to early morning prayer and boy, if you could have had a camera on my face when I saw Pastor Jerry—I smiled like a kid greeting her dad. I am so happy to be home. I told them I am coming back here and commuting. He was happy, of course. We began prayer in a circle praying together and he thanked the Lord for bringing me back and providing for everything I needed to complete the move. Later when I told him how amazing this job was and how it was more than I expected,. He said “that just shows how much the Lord wanted you back here.” I am going to meet with him when we both go back to work and share the whole story with him. He is the next one I will tell it to. There are so many people I want to understand, but it isn’t time. I want to be careful because what is a life changing revelation to me might simply sound like a sermon out of the Bible to another and I don’t want to preach, I want to share the goodness of God and tell people what He has done for me not to drill anything into someone but to share my OWN joy at how the Lord has changed my life—and hopefully encourage people that the answer can be that simple in Him.

I struggle every day with it. It is like the smoking deliverance. I was instantly delivered with my vision many years ago but after the high wore down, I found that even though I was delivered, my natural instinct was to smoke a cigarette so I would sit down to write and start to think I should pick one up. It wasn’t that I NEEDED one, but breaking ritual is something that involves thought and effort. That is how this is. It is much harder back in Texas. I guess I knew it would be. But this is the place I have to live it out. Anyone can be a Christian on a mission’s trip, but what do you do on the job and in daily life? That is kind of my situation. LA was like a mission’s trip—all new and exciting after it was finally good. But this is home and real life. Can I live out the revelation? Gosh, if I can’t live it out now it is hopeless. I say that because it was like smoking. When I was delivered I KNEW I had the greatest measure of grace to walk it out I would ever have. If I couldn’t receive it then, under that grace, how could I do it later without it? That is how I feel now. Do I have this down? By no means! But I have greater grace—grace to confess when I ,mess up, grace to try harder, grace to refuse the pride more. So I can’t quit. After a few weeks the habit of wanting to smoke left my hands. It was a very long time before I never thought of it on a regular basis, but the time did come. This deliverance came like that one in many ways and I must persevere as I did then, knowing it is a mandate from God with the equipping grace to follow though. So I will.

Anyway, I am bonkered tonight. I am tired. My ribs are in agony from a coughing fit a while ago, and I need rest. Tomorrow Robin and I are going shopping in Dallas. Not sure what I am doing Saturday, but Sunday I am going to Tyler Metro again. I am going home. I kind of wanted to wait until the next Sunday—the first of the year—it seemed appropriate, like a fresh beginning, but I nee to start reshaping my life. I feel God instructing me in certain areas in the church, and I need to get in and get going.

I am not sure I am ready for the questions. I am not at all ashamed or embarrassed. Because I know what spiritual development has taken place I truly have the attitude that it is other people’s problems if they don’t get it. I can’t worry about that. But it is more like it is just annoying to try to explain something so profound in two seconds. The question I have learned to hate the most is this: “So, you just decided you didn’t like it out there?” That is so fickle to me. Well, NO, I didn’t like it, but it was a LOT more than that that caused me to pack up and move. While I am sure people don‘t MEAN it that way, that question implies a lack of thought and care to what God thinks. Did I like it? No! But it wasn’t because of it being an evil awful place; it was because of the evil, awful in ME and then when God touched that I could have stayed OR gone—He released me to come home. So I don’t get MAD at people who ask me that but I just hate it because it is not simple as the question is.

Oh, sign of a small town. I was at a friend’s this morning saying hello when her sister said “I hope you are feeling better; I saw your name on the ER list.” She works in hospital administration and saw I had been to the ER Monday night. I thought, my word, in Quitman you can't even knock one someone's door to let them know you are here! So funny! That is my town. And I love it anyway. I could have lived here but I know I have to be in Tyler because of church. It is time to settle and commit.

It won’t be easy, but it is God, so it will be good.

A whole semester I lived in Los Angeles and not once felt an earthquake. There were a few mild ones, but I never felt one. I thought of that as I left town, thinking it was astounding to have NOT felt one in the time I was there.

Today a big quake struck near where I grew up. It was felt from San Francisco to Los Angeles. James called Beverly while I was over to ask if it was near where I had been. Emotion flooded me. I do not consider the timing a coincidence. Wild.

Meanwhile I ended up in the ER tonight—I have a NEW respiratory virus. Oh joy! I also have bruised ribs from coughing. I now have ANOTHER prescription cough medicine and Vicodin.

Just call me Toxic Susan. But I already feel better.

Tomorrow I unload the trailer at Beverly’s office for a couple weeks. Then after Christmas (and some rest!)I will house hunt. I finally know where I am supposed to be.

I was more surprised than anyone.

Sunday December 21, 2003

Amarillo, Texas, 5:29 a.m. local time. Red Roof Inn.

Yes, folks, I am in Texas. Of course, the ironic part is that before I get home I will cross into Oklahoma and then back down into Texas again. Still, I am in my state. Am I crazy or did I notice a difference on the other side of the state line? The sky is bigger; the stars are brighter. The night is filled with a stillness and peace in Texas.

That said, I sobbed my eyes out when I crossed the state line. I was listening to a Hillsongs CD and a favorite song as on. I was singing along, trying to ascend a slope when all of a sudden, a bit earlier than I expected I saw the sign” TEXAS STATE LINE. And then emotion flooded me. Yes, I have been here twice since I moved, but always on planes. This time I was driving and had a U-Haul attached to me, so the reality hit and I lost it in the best way ever. As hard as it was to leave in certain ways, I know this is home and I belong here. And I was filled with such love for God for what He has done. He is so loving and forgiving and filled with mercy. I can hardly believe what He is doing. I almost feel like I left a kid and return a grown up—even though I was only gone 4 ½ months. That is how massive His work in me is. He is amazing. Even when I an the biggest loser ever, He is filled with compassion.

It’s all about forgiveness and love. Period.

So that is my spiritual gushing (for now), and here is the road trip report.

First, the trip is better this time around because I broke it into three days. What a difference that makes. I am not sure going the northern route was the best as far as the driving with a trailer, but it is a nicer way. I knew my gas mileage would be reduced, but by a THIRD? GASP! A couple of times I did not even get 175 miles on a tank of gas—I am used to almost 400 on the interstate! From 40 mpg to as low as 10 or 11 at times. I didn’t mind the money so much (cheaper than paying for a truck!) but I did mind having to stop all the time! I am a road warrior. My philosophy is stop when you are out of gas, go to the restroom, get food and get on the road. I occasionally stop in between, but I push it. Not with a U-Haul I don’t!

I am used to driving with it now. On flat surfaces it will coast at 75 and be just fine, which is a relief. My first day was not so wonderful.

I left Terry’s house at about 2:10 Friday afternoon—I got on the 210 freeway and as soon as I got to the Pasadena interchange there by Lake Street I hit traffic that lasted all the way through the Inland Empire. Not until I got past Victorville and onto I-40 did it loosen up! So much for leaving early. Los Angeles gave me a lovely god bye. I am so happy that when I return I will not be driving (not the first time at least!). I like LA much more with a car.

I did not realize HOW hilly I-40 was. I only drove it once before and that was the opposite direction in a car. This time I discovered that even when you are on cruise control at 70, the car will only go 45-50 ascending hills. The RPMs would rev higher and poor Gracie (my car) would chug along like an athlete who went from a 5K to a marathon overnight. I realized CA has stupid traffic laws. (Like DUH!). The speed limit for normal cars was 65-70 while trucks and “autos with trailers” are supposed to observe a 55 limit. Give me a break. Ever tried to drive 55 mph is CA when traffic is flowing. Entering Arizona was better because the speed limit for all went to 75. Of course most of the night I was unable to reach it as I ascend to over 7000 feet in elevation.. I just had a funny thought. Flying from Tyler to Dallas my plane has been as low as 10,000 feet, yet I was driving almost that high! Texas is nothing if not flat (-:

So I chugged along to Flagstaff. Because of the time change I did not arrive til after midnight—and I lost at least an hour getting out of LA. The hotel had not received my reservation from the central computer, but that was great because I got my bargain rate on twice the sized room. It was very cold—below freezing. I parked the U-Haul. I actually tried to back up to park it closer to my room but realized it was a futile attempt. I hated leaving the U-Haul outside but I prayed and went to bed. Flagstaff was pretty with the mountains and remnants of snow. The ground had snow and ice in the shrubs and stuff, which I loved. I felt like I was in another world.

I went to bed far too late and awoke far too early but I was on the road by 8:30 a.m. headed for the next night’s goal of Amarillo. The second day’s drive was much better. The hills were less extreme, and while I hit the Continental Divide at over 7000 feet again, my speed was better, RPM s less and gas mileage even increased. I had also prayed that I could get at least 200 miles a tank simply for not having to stop-and I have been! The drive was better but I wasn’t. the annoying little bit of a cough was still bugging me and I was having pains the night before that by Saturday had moved to the place I didn’t want them to be—my rib cage. Yes, indeed, I recognize the pain—had it two years ago with a cough---but worse then and on both sides. I think I bruised a rib. It is so sore when I cough or breath deeply or turn over or anything. Last night it got pretty sore and this morning to remains so. So I am on a prayer fest with that one! I stopped outside Albuquerque and bought some allergy meds for the cough and some syrup and last night hit Wal-Mart and got some other cough stuff. I know I have to stop ALL remnants of coughing for the rib to heal. This is a bit annoying because I have to get a storage unit Monday or Tuesday and Robin and Steve will be at work so I get to move stuff with a bruised rub. I think I will take healing instead!

I arrived early in Amarillo—even with the time change again I was sat my hotel by 7 or so. This is a first on a long road trip. So I checked in and went to Wal-Mart. I wanted a real dinner, but I couldn’t park at any fast food place! I gave up and found a sandwich in the SuperCenter! I felt very at home-good and bad, I was back.

I was asleep by 9:30 or so—last I recall I was praying myself to sleep and then except for waking up once at 12:30 in the morning I slept through til 4 a.m.. My body is all out of whack! I should be sleeping LATER since I am on west coast time, but as my friend Lisa put it last week, I don’t think I ever adjusted to west coast time. I think I lived on Texas time the whole time I was in California. It is pretty funny. I think I am just excited to get there. Although I am doing great mentally and spiritually—I am also exhausted. I am ready to crash, and when I arrive at Robin’s I get to rest a little for the first time in a long time. Really I won’t rest a whole lot til after Christmas because I have to unload my trailer and return it Christmas Eve and then drive back to Quitman Christmas day, but it is still rest and I can’t wait!

So now it is almost 6 a.m. in Amarillo, Texas. Because I am meeting my friend for lunch and she goes to church, I have lots of down time this morning. I could leave right now and be in Quitman early, but this is better. I will enjoy seeing my friend too. And by golly I WILL park at that restaurant. I am ready to sit down and eat a real meal. Grocery store deli sandwiches (my sole diet yesterday) are okay once in a while, but I want real food!

I have some prescription strength Motrin I am taking for the rib, but it doesn’t seem to help much. I am still insured til Dec. 31 so I will call my insurance company and see if they will let me see someone here if it persists.

Well, I am sleepy—4 a.m. will do that! I probably need to leave here around 9. I will drove just south of Oklahoma City to meet my friend in Norman, OK. I am sure our lunch will linger so we can gab. Then I will head south to Ardmore, OK where I will get off the interstate onto a local highway, 70, and drive east to Hugo, OK where I will go south out of OK and into Quitman from the northern direction, rather than going through Dallas. MY ETA is probably close to 8 p.m., a perfect arrival time. That gives me a lot of cushion throughout the day for stopping, etc. I don’t usually have the luxury to do this trip in three days, but it is so much better this way!

Meanwhile it feels natural to be on the road this week. Every year for three years I have left the Saturday of Christmas break and head to Alabama and stayed with the Zemas before heading on to see my aunt. I think this trip helps this year. I miss my aunt. I keep thinking I should be headed toward South Carolina. I think her death is hitting now because I only saw her at Christmas; the rest of the time we talked on the phone, but now not seeing her makes her really gone.

Well, I am going to do something with myself now—either decide I am awake or go to sleep (now that I have plied by body with caffeine and eaten breakfast!). And then I will hit the road. The home stretch awaits me.

Oh yeah, I think I know my church answer. I have been praying and praying. It is not that exact words are coming to me but it is just what is inside me—I am not ready to say for sure yet, but I think I know what I am supposed to do in that arena. I am seeking an answer in one more aspect but I think I have til February to know that so I am not going to worry on that one. The answers will come.

I am living proof that He is faithful—even when we are faithless.

Thursday December 18, 2003

I am hoping to post this before I get on the road tomorrow but that is not a definite. Sometimes you know you are beating the enemy by the things he pulls on you—when he can’t get at the emotions and stuff that deep, he goes for the stuff—This is why today I have a big new scratch on my car and a broken modem on my laptop the day before a road trip. It is pretty extraordinary. But fact is, all it does is make me want to pray harder. I am mad and ready to fight him. And the bottom line is that if I fight, I win.

That said, the good news is that I have been planning to buy a new laptop for weeks. I was only waiting to be sure I got my deposit back and I am getting it so that is a done deal. Theoretically I could buy one tomorrow and have it on the way home, and that is actually a thought, but I think I would rather wait and pick carefully because that is a serious purchase and I need one that will do well for my work and travel. So I may make a road trip back with no modem. I can blog and save to disk and post it when I get home, but without that modem I lose a big connection. What this means is that it is me and God in a deeper way. I love that that statement just made the devil mad enough to wish I had a new modem!

Anyway we loaded up tonight. Randy is an angel. He managed to get all the stuff I needed into my trailer—barely. I mean, you could not pack anything else in there but my 5 X 8 trailer has my washer and dryer, table and chairs, beautiful tables, blue chair and MANY boxes. It is loaded up and locked up at Terry’s. I am a bit stranded now—Belma will take me to work in the morning and then Rae is supposed to take me to Terry’s but I am a bit nervous because she was not at work today and now I can’t check my email to see if she wrote; she doesn’t have my cell number. But Belma is on standby for me. It has been crazy. Driving with a trailer is an adventure. Backing up is more of an adventure. I am glad I have LOTS of prayer!!!

Anyway, beside the wild stuff there was also great peace in my time with Terry. We had a beautiful time of prayer before our farewell—it is hardly goodbye! She anointed me and prayed over me, especially in regards to some stuff that we both believe God is moving me into now. Then I prayed for her and the church and it was just an all around effective, intense and awesome time of prayer and ministry. Our hearts are the same in many ways, especially spiritually. I am very closely connected to her in the area of prayer in a way that I know is a God thing and something He is doing. I felt that anyway, before, but when it came from HER mouth then I guess I really knew it.

It was sad to say good night and know it will be six weeks of nights before we say hello face to face or take hands to pray again. But mostly my tears were from seeing what has transpired. I cried as she prayed, and as we hugged, I cried and said it was so amazing to see what God has done—did we ever think we would be sitting here praying this way? Not hardly. It looked rough for a while there, but what was a bumpy ride led to a beautiful place of peace. It increased our bond too. I know we will always be close friends. And it is the strangest thing but I will always be a part of this church. That is a fact. Terry sees that too, and it is neat. So we prayed for eons and then said good night. I told her I loved her, turned around and didn’t look back. The next time we are together we might have a glimmer of what God is doing. We are both excited.

I gave her a silver frame that was kind of fun looking with “Friends through thick and thin” inscribed in it—and I put in the picture of me and Terry and Darrell when I had the cheerleading outfit on on Thanksgiving. That was a special day—and the picture of it is a happy memory of the change God has brought.

I have a couple people to whom I need to tell this story. One is Aunty. I will write her a letter at some point. The other is more important in this case. More and more I feel I need to tell Pastor Jerry. I went to him in October and we had a long talk. I need to tell him what happened and what God did. I won’t tell most people the details—not yet. One day maybe but not casually. I might share a testimony or something where the atmosphere is right, but this is not for the casual ear. But I need to tell Pastor Jerry.

Anyway, I have been up since 3:36 this morning—I simply could not sleep. I got up and prayed and packed and took a load to storage. That is when I saw how PACKED my 5 X 15 storage unit was and knew I was getting a 5 X 8 trailer and I began praying for a "loaves and fish” miracle—that God would multiply my space. In the end other than the boxes I already took to Terry’s with the intention of leaving only one crate of school books stayed—and they probably will fit in my car but I am trying to keep it down so I don’t look like a bag lady driving down the road. All that matters is going home. I wouldn’t even look as Randy and Terry finished the loading. I loaded my car. I could not imagine how all that stuff was going to get in where, but it all fit.

It was easier to drive loaded. And starting tomorrow I will drive to 1500 miles. Me and God on the open road. I am ready for the Word to fill me. It already has. The Spirit of the sovereign God is upon me.

January 29 is looking like my return date. Then early March. Terry might have a serious houseful in March still, so if that is the case then I will stay with Pastor Dan and Cindy. From pastor to pastor. I am honored at the friends in God I have. Then I imagine I will come back in April. I would LOVE to be here for Easter but I don’t know where God is taking me or what I might be doing at Easter. Then when school is out, I will probably drive out again and get my stuff and visit longer. I have it portioned out the best I can. I have frequent flier miles coming from cereal to internet to cell phone service. It is crazy, I know, but if you were here, if you could see, you would buy your own ticket and fly alongside me. Moses said to the Lord that he didn’t want to go if the presence of God did not go with him; likewise, I do not want to stay gone from where the presence of God is so mighty.

The breakthrough was serious and life changing. I know that because of the number of opportunities I have had to operate in it. I had one just this morning, and when I saw my NATURAL response I rejoiced in the work of the Lord. It is a positive revelation and a miracle. It is real, and it is lasting. The is no turning back. Now I know the truth in this area and nothing can hold me captive again in it unless I choose to consciously.

Yes folks, it was only 4 ½ months but God did it. He did years of work; He made it clear why I was there and taught me a lesson people don’t get in 4 YEARS of Bible college, sometimes, because he did it through divine impartation. All I want now is to grow in it more and more and more.

NOW, I am going to go pray myself to sleep. I am very tired but the enemy is prowling again and it is time to arrest him in his evil tracks.

I love the Spirit of God so much. And in 15 hours He and I will begin the journey home—new and changed.

I praise the Lord for His wonderful love for me.

I left my legacy at North Hollywood First Assembly—it is stuck under the first pew, second seat—between Terry and Cindy, where I sat every week…

Saying good bye was hard. I don’t mean saying good bye to people. I only had a few personal good byes tonight and I will be back in a month, for Pete’s sake! But saying good bye to the church was VERY hard. I worshipped up a storm, ended up on my face and cherished every second, knowing I may not dance again until I step foot back here. I MAY, but I may not—that is a fact.

Pastor Dan preached tonight and it was good—it was my heart—my on fire passion for God. A loose cannon, he said, when we pray for others. Woo hoo! I yelled. I saw Cindy smile. That is me, right now—a loose cannon—in the best way—and I am ready.

After worship Pastor Darrell called me up to pray for me It was very nice and rather unexpected since I never really plugged in in a way that others knew me as a serious part. I appreciated his prayer too—it was for the usual, travel safety and all that—and for me to find a place to live—and for THE church God has for me. But as he prayed he thanked God for His work even when I was unsure or confused or didn’t know if I missed Him or not. I appreciated it because it was just real. No pretending.

I love this church.

After Terry left pretty quickly because she had a headache—of course I stopped and prayed for her. Give me any opportunity anywhere these days! Maybe it is not that extreme but I want it to be! The I talked to Darrell a while. I won’t likely see him again til I return. It is easy to talk to him again too. Our relationship is different, of course than mine with Terry, but I adore him. But the more sure of my identity in Christ I am, the better I operate with anyone.

And then I started to leave—and I went upstairs to the sanctuary. And then I sat in my pew and the sobs came. Some people teased me earlier, “oh, no you don’t—you wanted to claw your way out of here.” True—but these are the people who do not know the amazing work of the Lord. If they did they also would understand that in some ways I am torn. I love my church, but my home is in Texas and it is hard. For all the ups and downs and wanting to be here then wanting out, once the dust settled and the Word of God became clear, two things stood certain. Texas is home and NHFA is church. That is not an easy thing to reconcile, but I know God must have an answer.

I sat crying at the pew and then went o the altar and knelt—still crying to God and laying my life at His feet. All of it. When I lay down my tambourine after the last up tempo song tonight I looked at it laying there, realizing it might be a while before I ever leap around with it again. But I was thankful—Pastor Dan did the BEST tambourine songs and I played the patterns and danced up a storm while I could.

Then as I stood in the sanctuary and went through a lot of “Dance with Me” just silently. Finally I did grand jetes across the sanctuary. And then I went to my bag. In my journal were stickers I use to put on cards and stuff. I found a new sheet that had pink ballet slippers on it. On the adhesive side I wrote my name and the date. The I stuck it right under where I sit every week, on the fabric part of the underside so it would easily come off and not hurt the pew. My dancing feet will stay at NHFA even if my dances are alone for a while.

The odd thing I can’t explain, though, is that even though I have no clue where I might go to church and am accepting that dancing might be on hold, I can’t help feeling it is NOT going to be gone for long.

The other thing that is not going anywhere is prayer. I have known that calling to intercession has been in me from the day I first prayed with Robin, I think, but now I know that it is time to live in it—I think God is saying NOW. There are many ideas tossing themselves about in my mind and when I capture the right one, the God one, I will act. But it is time and that I DO know. The great thing about prayer is that you can do it anywhere with anyone at any time. I can’t wait to see what God does with this.

Terry told me both weekends are okay in January so I get to just pick one. Having Fridays off makes it really easy to plan a trip and not even ask for a day off. So I will leave on a Thursday evening or early Friday and come back Sunday night late. But it helps knowing I can come back in a month. I am shooting for last weekend because that will give me time to settle and then less time between that trip and spring break.

I wonder how many people have a church that is 1500 miles from them. Just call me eccentric.

I think I have decided to drive I-40 going home. It came to me this morning and checked the weather. It will be VERY cold but no precipitation is predicted along the whole route. It is hilly, but not that bad. It is prettier and nicer. There is even better cell service along that way. But the most important reason is spiritual.

When I started this blog I began my road trip to California on Interstate 40. And now I am going home. I suspect that the very interstate itself will spark some thought that will lead to a neat time with the Lord. I have great expectations for what God is going to speak even as I drive (whichever route that may be). I think it is somehow appropriate to drive home the same way this whole adventure began. Even though I drove home from California in March and have been back again in the car, each other time was on I-10 and 20. I have not been the I-40 route since I drove out here the first time. So I prayed, then I cancelled all my I-10 and I-20 reservations for hotels and booked I-40 reservations.

And then the cool part is my Shachah friend Beverly lives in Norman, Oklahoma so I will get to stop and have a late lunch with her since I go right through there. I am getting excited. It will also be very pretty—I am sure the mountains are snow-covered by now. The forecast one night is around 15 degrees. But with no rain or snow and my car being heated as well as the hotels, I don’t mind at all. I was able to book a couple decent hotels so that is nice. I am getting excited to be have to have that time with God. I am in a season now of hearing Him so much anyway and I KNOW He is going to speak more. I wear out a bit on really long drives, but doing it over three days will help and so will the fact that it is a weekend and I can talk on the phone a lot for free.

It is Wednesday. This will be my last night at church for over a month. I hate that, but I can’t wait to go. I will likely shut the place down tonight. Tomorrow is my last full day of work. It is happening fast now, but there was a day it wasn’t fast enough. I am so incredibly in awe of what God has done and is doing that it is also beyond what my mind can comprehend.

That’s my Daddy!

I am on vacation.

That is how it is now—being with people, eating fast food every day, being too busy to stop and think, even the morning bagel off the freeway onramp says vacation. And Friday the trip ends.

You know what? It was never home . It feels like a vacation—in many ways it was a BAD vacation for a while but it was never home. And now I am leaving. And tonight Terry and I stood in the parking lot at church and looked at her calendar—just like we used to. My next trip should be in January—late month. Then the first weekend of March when a Shachah conference is in San Diego and then will come up here for church and a few days visit. After that who knows… Easter? Probably when school is out and before summer classes begin. I told some people tonight I will be here so much that I will be more like one of those people who just doesn’t come every week.

This is my church. I LOVE this place. It is starting to hit me that I am leaving a church I love like I couldn’t imagine. And I have to stop the thoughts. The sadness is that intense. This is a special place. Yet I know it is right to leave. I know I am truly going HOME. I have no doubts about moving. I have no doubts about the job I accepted. Dr. Hayes wrote yesterday that HIS job WAS full time as he expected and he was still pushing a bit since mine is only guaranteed for a semester. But I have a perfect peace and a joyful excitement, But I love this church so much and don’t know how to live without it but I can’t stay here and live with it.

This afternoon I went straight from work to church to meet Cindy. Then I went home with her and Pastor Dan came home. We ate pizza and had a great time. I thanked Cindy for her invitation to stay the weekend but said I was going to go as planned. She said anytime I wanted to come back I could—so I have two homes in Los Angeles now—and both are my pastors. That is nice. I would still prefer to be with Terry. It is only with staying with someone that you can sit up half the night talking about God and worshipping Him. I love our spiritual heart connection. It is special, and these visits will be my rest and refreshing the Lord gives me; I really believe that. When I stop and think about the love I have for these people, all of them, I just cry. I am not sure WHY it can’t work, but I know that as much as I love it, it is not my primary place.

We went back to the church tonight to get my car when they had worship/choir practice. I ended up staying. I have not sung in so long. I rehearsed their Sunday song and it was so much fun. Cindy turned and said “you have a good ear. You sound really good. You should sing when you are not dancing.” How nice that made me feel. I still miss it. And then I looked at her and said where I was headed a church I attend might ONLY have singing and not dancing. I can hardly imagine. I could go from complete freedom to not being able to move. What a scary thought. Frequent flier miles here I come!

Right now my gut is filled with emotion like I can’t explain. I am not letting it out yet. I might peek at some of it when Terry and I are together Thursday night. Our last time to sit and pray for a while--and I know that will trigger it. But I think in some ways I need to wait until I am back with Robin and safe and have that spiritual connection that is solid because it is way harder than I expected to leave. I feel that same grief I felt back in March when I had to go home on a Sunday when they were at church and then all this began. If all goes as planned, this Sunday I will wake up in Midland, Texas. I won’t lie; It scares me to not be connected with this church . I know I could stay through Sunday, but then I will go through it next week. It will only be prolonged. Why my church is 1500 miles from my home, I can’t understand, but it is. And the thought makes my heart ache.

I try to think analytically, almost play those mind games with myself—I dare to allow myself to wonder if I wish I could stay. I consciously let myself think, what if I did NOT go home Friday? But even when I start to think that way, it doesn’t work. I KNOW I am doing the right thing. I had to come, but I have to go. It makes no logical sense, and some people may never understand it. But I know. But I guess I never figured I would love the church so much and yet have to say good bye. I figured the good bye would be without such a great level of love. I am not sure yet how to align all these feelings into one stable person. It is like I told Terry tonight: God has done a major overhaul in me. I mean, it is SERIOUS. It is not just about the breakthrough in November that changed everything. It is about me and my character and who He has made me to be. I am not the same person I came here as. Dare I say I leave even FREER, but more grown up. I am a mass of emotion—most of it is good, but it is just hard. It is like saying good bye to your family. These are people who will scale mountains to help you.

But then none of this has ever been about location anyway. So I will move to the next phase in this and visit my home church as much as I can. I will dance there if nowhere else. And I will always love these people, who are some of the truest and most sincere Christians I have known in my lifetime of being in churches. It is not that I am saying anything negative about my other churches, but just that this place is so unique. I love its reality. Sunday morning Pastor Darrell was finishing his sermon and a drunk man walked right down front. They knew him, and PD called Pastor Dan down from the keyboard because he knows the man. And Pastor Dan gently talked to him and asked if he had come to see him. And Cindy picked right up and went along. And there we are having an altar call while a drunk man is telling at an usher to get his hands off him and Pastor Dan is talking to him like he is his old buddy. It was awesome because no one called some strong guy to remove him or something but just good old Pastor Dan who took him out to talk and pray with the guy. Meanwhile Pastor Darrell, right after church gathered up a couple young adults to drive a homeless young lady to a shelter and gave her money. This is REALITY in the spiritual world, and I LOVE it.

I am not saying I will never come back here, but I know the circumstances would have to be different. I would probably have to be married or working within a ministry. Los Angeles is too hard of a place to be single and functioning the majority of your time in the world without daily spiritual support It is harsh, cold and unfriendly. The church is awesome but you can’t be there 7 days a week. So maybe that is it. Sometimes I wonder if I will come back.

No matter what I will never regret coming. To see what the Lord has done is worth every teardrop. It is that incredible. I still can’t write it. It is too personal to share. Cindy and I never got to really talk today and so I didn’t get to tell her and she told me to write it down. I told her I might just tell her when I come back next month because it was too hard to even write down yet. I am not ready. Someday, I know. It is an awesome testimony of healing, growth and reconciliation—as well as the amazing power of the love of God. But the greatest testimony comes at the greatest cost.

A lot of people at work have been saying good bye and are so excited about my new job. Some people, especially kids, will ask me specifically why I am leaving. I tell them it is personal. But when I tell people about what I am going to be doing they are amazed—and I tell them I am the most blessed woman alive. And then I say how amazing it is that what started out so tragic is turning out so well. And it is like what a kid asked me yesterday when he or she asked if someone was dying. I answered truthfully when I said for a while it looked like it might be life or death but now it was getting better.

I am a dramatic sort of person and very emotion driven, but I do not exaggerate when I say my own life was at stake. Perhaps not my physical life. Perhaps I would have lived to be 90 even if this had not gotten better. But my life was at stake, and this almost cost me life as I know it. It almost cost me a great measure of my spiritual life and perhaps even my emotional life and stability. That is how serious it was. Perhaps that is why I am more in love with God than ever now.

Today in class I was trying to teach my loud but fun 6th period freshmen. They would not listen and I refuse to talk over them, so I get quiet sometimes when they do that. So I did that today and sat there. Of course they were saying “Shhh! Miss Tyrrell is waiting” and all that that kids say. And I sat there staring off into space with a dopey smile on my face. And then I closed my eyes because what I was seeing was making me want shut everything else out. I was back in my dance—yes there it was again “Dance with Me” in my mind and I saw it. Those kids were yapping way and I was lost with Jesus. And I wished they would have talked forever! Eventually I came back form the heavenlies and taught them, but it was a pretty awesome moment. They happen all the time now and have been since November 21. I have had a true life saving, life alerting miracle.

I will never be the same again.