the end.

It was the road trip that lasted almost a year. On March 7, 2003 I left Tyler, Texas with my car packed to the brim, headed to California for a road trip adventure.

I had no clue what was to come.

The road trip took nine months. In that time, I have seen a new life spring forth—with great labor pains, to be certain.

I have said a lot in this blog, but there is much I have NOT said, and now it is time. I went to California for a visit, found my heart’s home and went into a whirlwind romance until I was loading my stuff in a Penske truck across the miles to a fantasy I thought would be home.

As anyone who has read this blog knows, my fantasy fell to shreds, yet, with the exception of a few people, no one knows why. But it seems unfair to write a blog as long as a book and not have an ending.

I don’t need to detail how I came to move to Los Angeles because it is all in the blog. You can scroll down or search the archives for those details. Nor do I need to detail the tale of coming home. But there was a lot in the middle that I am about to expose. If one reads carefully—very carefully, and I think Robin is the only one who knew before it happened—the hints were there. You will find, encased in my prose, comments like “Everything is in place but my friend is missing.” Or church comments like “Was it worth it to give it all up for a chance to worship freely? Is worship that important that you can sacrifice the rest of your life?” Perhaps those are not word for word repetitions, but they convey the idea with which I was writing. Obviously, I was not happy. But as I mentioned recently, in the prison called Los Angeles, I was the one with the keys all along.

I learned the most important lesson of my Christian life, but bear with me, folks, because if you have grown up in the church, you risk blowing it off as church lingo, the catch phrases pastors use. But sometimes those abstract church terms become a matter of life or death, so read this entry if you have begun. And hear my heart—hear what I learned that I thought I already knew. How merciful the Lord is to save us from ourselves! Had He not I would be dead in my sin. Being alive in the flesh is useless if you are dead in your sin. I learned the hard way.

Okay, here goes the pure, and finally unadulterated, truth.

I use the word unadulterated in there even though that word has a clichéd meaning. A writer would tell you not to use clichés because, by definition, they have lost their meaning, but this time it fits. The truth was adulterated when I lived in Los Angeles—which of course does not make it truth. To be unadulterated it must focus wholly on a holy God without room for skewing. Truth is black and white. In Los Angeles I became gray.

I guess it started even before I left, when Terry had not called me after her vacation and before I left. Robin says I was a wreck on the road. .I guess I figured it was the stress of traveling and moving across country. But when I came back I drove alone for three days SICK and was not a wreck, so I suppose she is right. When I got to Los Angeles, the decline began. The root of all evil, I am beginning to think, is offense. And that is what I did and why I almost sacrificed my very sanity.

Terry hadn’t called. When we showed up at her house, they were gone and had left us a note. Inside I was thinking scary thoughts—here I was giving up my whole life to come to Los Angeles and my friend wasn’t even there for me. And with those thoughts I, in essence, issued the devil an invitation. And the little spirits scampered along for a hell-filled joyride. At the time it seemed like very righteous indignation. I ascribed labels to it that reflected on her, not me. I was the one making a supreme sacrifice for the call of God. How about some support here! I had no idea every thought was mental cancer spreading throughout my spirit.

Of course, I loved Terry so much that as soon as she did call or I saw her, all was okay. I was just happy to have my friend—until the next disappointment.

Within a few weeks it got worse. There were very unusual complications to all this—which I see now were things God allowed for reasons, but all I saw was the absence of Terry. Also, she was very sick for several weeks and so it was this war of wondering: WOULD she be around if she were well? But I didn’t think so.

And then the dance thing happened. I was going to lead, to be involved. Terry had scheduled me to do something at the church. Pastor Darrell knew of it. But there was a communication gap and when this happened, I fell hard. The offense in me grew to such proportions that I could hardly stand to live with myself. Meanwhile I had asked Pastor Darrell if I could talk to him and he had not replied but he HAD replied to my other emails. So there I was alone in Los Angeles and absolutely indignant that my old friends didn’t care.

And then as the offense built, so did my judgments. I would watch Terry at church and think “oh yeah, but what about what she did to me… “ Blah blah blah. I was full of it and thought I was right. I was so wrong.

At one point Terry and I talked and I told her how upset I was, but somehow it didn’t end up too well. I calmed down and felt well enough to come to church after missing a week, but in my heart, I was still bothered. I felt rejected, alone, and useless. Dance was all I had—there were no other ministries in the church for me. And even if there was a prayer ministry—ever tried to pray through a heart of offense? Ha!

I barely talked to Terry outside of church, until the day I wrote her a letter and told her I had had it and was sorry to disappoint her but I was going home to Texas as soon as I could get out of there. She called me that day and that was probably the start of a change. She was very kind and loving but I was so offended and upset deep down that I could not really receive it. She prayed for me that day and I lay there on my bed with my eyes open looking around my room. I couldn’t receive anything.

And then there were other consequences. Not only did I react that way to Terry, but it went to God. It was Halloween night. Terry and Pastor Darrell came to dinner that night. I had thought about canceling but after my trip to Texas a couple weeks before and my talk with Pastor Jerry and better focus, plus having it out in the open that I was leaving on the next train to Texas, I decided it would be okay. We really did have a great time. I had so much fun with them there. But it was after they left when I sat typing a letter that I realized the depth of it all. I had been crying for weeks, literally a cry of grief. The only tears I had ever cried at such a level previously had been when my mom died. But I didn’t know WHY I was grieving so deeply. And then I realized.

Go back in this blog to March and you will find the night Terry gave me a song called “Dance with Me” about dancing with Jesus, the lover of my soul. It became MY dance and MY holy romance. That became the metaphor of my whole LIFE. I fell so deeply in love with Jesus. I said I felt like I was getting married. I danced that dance both at Tyler Metro and NHFA and it was anointed because the Lord was in it. And then Halloween night it struck me—I felt I had been jilted at the altar by Jesus. My Christian foundation told me that was impossible but my feeling told me I was alone. And the disdain I already had grew to HATE. I HATED that song and that dance. I despised it. And it was an ugly hatred. In church, if I went, I could not dance to any songs that used a metaphor of Jesus as lover or husband, or anything about being in love with God. They were not truth to me, and at the time I couldn’t see what a big lie I was living.

After that realization, I knew I was in trouble. Immediately I knew I had to talk to either Pastor Darrell, Terry or Robin because they were the only ones who could understand since they knew the history. At this point things were better. I had talked to pastor Darrell after he didn’t respond because I mailed a letter to his house. It was a misunderstanding and we talked and it was okay. I got to a more neutral place with Terry. And I found it was hard to hate people who kept loving you anyway.

Robin was the only person who told me I was letting an offense control me but I couldn’t hear her. I yelled back that no I was not—my life was ruined because I missed God.

And in the quiet nights alone I believed that. I HATED my life. I hated my job with a passion. I hated driving anywhere, hated all the people around, sometimes I even hated church because everyone had a niche but me. I would sit there and wonder how I went from Miss Spiritually Mature Christian to Loser in the Lord. Did I miss God completely?

I grieved everything I had given up—my great Texas church where people knew me and liked me. My students I loved so much and my great job. My apartment was bright and nice and I could park right in front of it, not way back on a covered carport far away. Besides I gave up a normal rent and a place where everyone is nice. I gave everything up for a fantasy that never happened. I was so stupid, I thought. I HATED myself. I hated my life. I sank into a depression deeper than I had ever been in since becoming a sold out Christian. Robin had the closest clue of how bad it was, but even she didn’t know. It was BAD. The only thing I didn’t question was the basics of my faith—I questioned all the doctrine—and let’s face it at the rate I was declining that could have been next. One lie, one offense and it begins. The seed is planted and then the fall begins.

I actually tried to get counseling. I am one of the most sane and stable people I know in many ways, but there I was calling therapists on my off hours. Of course I would not dream of seeing a non-Christian because deep down I knew my problem was spiritual. But nothing worked out. Every door I knocked on for ANYTHING when I was in LA became nothing. Furthermore, I was sick and tired of hearing stories about Job from people. Truthfully, I was getting kind of mad at God for what He let happen to Job too.

I felt hopeless and miserable. I never wanted to die only because in my mind it would be worse to die in the pit of hell known as Los Angeles.

I would get in a routine and function. I never got so much sleep as when I lived there because I would come home from work, sit on the internet til my butt hurt, eat dinner and go to bed by 9 or so. I even dropped out of ballet class after a couple months.

I had a few happy times but all were when I went away—My trip to Texas, my trip to Pennsylvania. Mostly I was miserable. And one day I was listening to a CD and a song came on. A line in it reminded me of a move from a Shachah and before I could help myself I was seeing a dance in my head. And then I sobbed because new could not dance it from my heart. Every time I heard the song after that I sobbed because I remembered I used to be a person who could dance that with passion, and now it was dead. I cried for what was.

The day my friendship began with Cindy is one I will always remember because it was the Women’s Word Study and I was sandwiched between Terry and Cindy at some friendship themed Bible study. Gag me, was my prevailing thought. It was after the prayer time when Cindy looked at me and asked me if I knew God had called me there for a purpose and I burst into tears and told her no, I knew nothing. Of course the whole time she talked to me and tried to help, I had a secret inside—even as I write this she doesn’t know this—but I knew that I had an offense against Terry and that was going to prevent things from happening as she was saying. So I guess I wasn’t totally ignorant.

And where was Terry in all this? Loving me. She became MORE compassionate the more miserable I got. I remember talks after church when she was trying to say something spiritual to me and I just couldn’t get it. How could I if my mind was not God’s?

Meanwhile, it was not working out for me to talk to anyone about my Jesus Crisis. I almost wanted to talk to Pastor Darrell the most because as a man I thought he would be the most stable to discuss it with since it was so emotional in me. Then I was going to talk to both of them together. But it didn’t work. And then the most amazing thing happened. It DID work for me to talk to Robin over Thanksgiving. I was encouraged, but then a few days later I hit my lowest point.

Wednesday, November 19, was the worst day ever. I literally about snapped. I got so depressed that I was non functional at work. We had a meeting first thing at work, and I had to go sit with teachers and look as if I cared, and I could barely stop crying long enough to see. By this point the daily crying on the way to work had stopped but this day I was so miserable I could not function. I had decided by then to move home at Christmas. Anywhere in Texas was fine with me. And by then I didn’t want to go to Tyler anyway. I had had a conflict with someone there over something small and, not realizing it, I took it to heart so much that became a NEW offense and I suddenly saw the wonderful church and city I lived in as all bad. Why would I REALLY want to go back to Tyler Metro, I thought? No, I just need to be in Texas, I was just glamorizing the old.

This was another example of how one little offense can twist your mind so much that you can believe things OPPOSITE of how you saw them the day before. My Texas pastor, Pastor Jerry, says when an offense goes so deep, beyond the normal fleshly sense where you deal with it, and a spirit attaches itself to it, that the spirit that comes in amplifies the offense and everything else like a microphone does to our voices. I asked him if could use that in my blog because it explained so well what happened to me.

So I had decided to move home—Dr. Hayes had at least part time work for me, which I was confident would be full time. I vacillated between going to church or not bothering because I was so sick of church junk. Eventually I found a great church online and corresponded with the people there and was excited. But then I had to re-lease my apartment. I was constantly showing it but no one was buying. And that Tuesday night I remember I had hope and nothing had come of it. I went to bed depressed and when I woke up I was so down I felt like I had 300 pounds sitting on me. I had some codeine pills, allegedly for my tendon pain, and I took two right before my meeting. They got me able to say “good morning.” That wasn’t the first time, but it was the worst time—and the last. That day I sent emails to David and even Pastor Darrell. I told him I knew I sounded pathetic but I was struggling very badly and I needed prayer. I saw no point in putting up fronts. I was going to put up so many fronts it was going to kill me at that rate. I found a test or something for the kids to do and sat at that computer all day trying to say little so the kids would not suffer in my depression. I called Robin and left a message that I need her. This was not new—I had cried to her multiple times since I had gone. But this time I was lower than low. Of course all she knew to do was pray, but it actually seemed to help despite how low I was. It lifted some of the heaviness.

And that was when things started to change, from the outside in. First, circumstances changed—a money thing I needed to happen happened, and then the renter came back again to look and decided to rent. I was starting to be encouraged circumstantially that maybe I was getting out. The next day the college called wanting to interview me. But it was Friday, November 21, that the spiritual deliverance came.

Terry had come over to help me pack. We really had a good time. But then let’s face it, if I did not enjoy being with her so much I would not have been so hurt by all that happened, so that really was not a surprise. Later on she shared story with me about something spiritual that was close to her heart. And a few minutes later she said the words that forever changed everything “So you want to do some praying?” I think I told her no, at first. But she wouldn’t let it go. I told her I couldn’t. But she said she needed ME to pray for her and that situation. Thank God she didn’t let it go!

At first I wouldn’t pray—couldn’t pray. I couldn’t do it. She sat and sat and sat, patiently waiting. I WANTED to, but how could I? Sure I was calmer than I had been—hope was coming—I was probably getting out, the depression had broken, but still—I was not queen spiritual . But she sat and waited—a long time passed, but then I gave in. I prayed—and actually it was easy—I really did believe what I was praying—the issue was one I could relate to and really feel in my own spirit—as dormant as it was!—and also I guess it is one of those things you don’t forget how to do: Pray. The words came out, tentative at first, almost as simple as my first prayer with Robin six years prior. Then she prayed. And then we were done. And as we sat there I recognized something I had not felt in months—the settling peace of the Holy Spirit fell in the room. I didn’t know it at the time, but the deliverance had come.

I have not been the same since the second we prayed. If you have read this blog you will recall that I went to San Diego the next day to scope out a Shachah site for a conference, and I was praying all the way. I felt peace and closeness to God for the first time in four months. But I didn’t understand why one prayer had done it.

The next week I went to Texas for Maxine’s wedding. Of course I was not going to Tyler because I was offended. So the last thing I wanted to do was to be where I had hurt. But I was so much better with everything that I hardly even thought about that. I realized the insidious thing about offense is that you can justify it is gone simply because the initial hurt or anger has declined—when in all actuality it is buried and festering. We say we are over it but we aren’t. Everything with Terry had changed, but even though I thought I was okay with the other thing, I still had warped thoughts about home. I guess I knew it wasn’t all okay but I didn’t know how to deal with it. Fortunately, God did.

I had a great Thanksgiving at Terry’s house. My day started at 4:30 when I woke up suddenly. I had been waking up early a lot since my deliverance. I had been praying like I was making up for all the missed time. Since the day I went to San Diego I had been listening to the song that made me sob with longing. Thanksgiving morning I knew it was time to dance it. I danced to it at 5 a.m. and then fell on my face in prayer. I told the Lord that I submitted to Him. I had already told Him I would STAY in Los Angeles if He wanted me to—and then I even went and applied for a job in Los Angeles and posted my résumé online just to give Him the opportunity to open doors easily. I meant it. I also told Him I would submit to Robin’s ministry next that weekend in Dallas because I knew I needed something in that area of the Jesus Crisis.

Thanksgiving night I shared with Terry about all that—this was after she had given me my birthday present—a delicate cross that symbolized so much then and even more to us both now. We were doing well—we prayed that night and I prayed first—easily. Praying has been easy since then. I was without it so long when it is the heart and call in me that I became determined to never let it go again. Terry believes this is a ministry call I have—All I know for sure is it is a deep passion and has been since my first prayer with Robin in 1996. But I let that die too.

But there I was in Los Angeles and everything was so much better. For the first time since I moved I felt peace. I could stay or go and I was okay because I was walking with God again—but I didn’t know WHY. The answer seemed to come in that ministry time with Robin. That was essentially a night of intense prayer, and it worked. Over the next couple days everything burst open in the Spirit and all the answers came. I knew when I talked to Tara that Sunday night after seeing Robin and couldn't explain why I was better but just that I was, that where was more to it. That made it sound so arbitrary, but I didn’t get it. The answer came on Monday December 1—exactly 6 years to the very day I had my first deliverance—the smoking deliverance and vision of Jesus. Robin had prayed something where she talked about letting offenses go and that came back to me as I prayed that morning in Aunty Rose’s home. It was before my college job interview. And as I prayed—I think I was praying in the Spirit—I saw what had happened on November 21. I saw WHY one prayer had made such a difference. Terry was the main target of my offense. She was the friend who hurt me, the one who did something wrong in my eyes. And I had been separated from God for months because of this offense but I didn’t realize that was it. I thought I had just missed God. But I saw it in my head and I can still see what I saw December 1. Prayer is the power God uses, and prayer is one thing that died in my sin. BUT that night when we took hands and prayed, I prayed sincerely because I cared—we had had a nice night so my heart was softer. I prayed a genuine prayer—and I believe the Lord showed me that morning that when that happened the Holy Spirit was allowed back in to move—praying with the offender broke off the offense and released the Holy Spirit. That was when the deliverance came.

I drove to my interview that morning BEAMING and worshiping. It was on my way—on I-30 as I prayed—that I was thinking of Tyler again and saw the church in that marred picture I had had since the other offense. And then I realized what had happened. One person in her own struggles had said the wrong thing to me and my view of an ENTIRE CHURCH AND CITY was changed so much that I never wanted to SEE it again. I think you could have heard me repenting all the way to Arkansas. And then I picked up the phone and called the person. We didn’t talk til later but we had a great talk because my heart was right again. I love her more now, I think, because now I see her a picture of God’s work in me. If I had held on to that, I would not even be living in Tyler now.

The final puzzle piece came 30,000 feet in the air Dec. 2 as I flew home, still lost in worship and love for the Lord. I looked out the window at the clouds and told the Lord how much I loved Him. And then the Jesus answer came: “He didn’t leave ME at the altar—I LEFT HIM” That is what my offense did. You can’t go to the altar of God with a mounding offense—so Jesus stood there waiting. Loving—until I came back and joined Him at the altar.

And Terry stood there loving me alongside Him. I resented her; I judged her. But she loved me. I always said they had the strongest anointing of love. I even said—GASP—I wanted that anointing. God is faithful even when we are not.

But love is it. I learned that by being loved—I learned that love is more important than I ever knew. Loving someone can affect their spiritual life. If Terry had not loved me, it is unlikely the offense would have broken off as completely. She was willing to serve me and be with me when she knew—in fact, she knew before I did. That is true love—and she loved me back into the Lord’s arms in an even greater way.

I know what love means now. I don’t always know how to do it. But I know that love means you LOVE—PERIOD. You look on others with compassion and favor when you want to slap them. You cover a multitude of sins with forgiveness. And you never ever let any disagreement in your heart.

Something happened recently that hurt me pretty badly. I wrestled with it because I did not want it to be an offense. And then Robin and I had a big conflict in the middle of that. That is what I wrote about the other night. But I could recognize it—I didn’t know HOW to keep offense from developing, but I cried out to God. He was so faithful and poured out grace—it wasn’t me. The next day all I felt was immense, even greater love for Robin and the other issue was tempered. I still didn’t understand it, but I was again filled with love.

I have a picture I have had by my side since right after Thanksgiving. It is that silly picture of me standing between Pastor Darrell and Terry on Thanksgiving—in that cheerleading costume. I cherish that picture because it is a picture of unity.

The analogy I make now is academic. Since my deliverance experience of 1997 that changed me forever, I have felt like the Lord has almost given me a Bible college education. If I were to detail all the opportunities I have had and people I have sat under and lessons I have learned it would seem like I was in Bible school. I even made a list once in a letter to Terry, like what the course would be called and who the teacher was—it was pretty incredible. And then I realized what this was like. I have always said that Pastor Darrell and Terry were the most anointed people in the areas of love and forgiveness. So I realized that God allowed me to spend a semester away taking a class in love and forgiveness from masters in the field. That amazed me. And I think it was with that realization that I knew it was for more. I have thought that for years. I have said it and others have said it, but I think I began to believe it. I know the is a call to something—I don’t know what it is but I have known it for years, but after seeing what God did in this I knew. In fact that day after Robin left when I was praying in the Spirit, I knew what was happening—I saw that door open that day and felt it had just been released in the Spirit.

I am so thankful, God could have let me grow complacent in my offense. When you look at many Christians you can see it frequently—the words people speak really do reveal their hearts. People have so many unhealed hurts that haunt them. Why did God pull me from the swamp instead of letting me sink? It was my choice. I was in rebellion to Him. I sinned. It was SUSAN! Every true misery in LA was my own blooming fault. It probably could have been spared in JUNE when I had my trip out there and the root started. But I didn’t want to face it or confront it—what if it didn’t go well and then I didn’t want to move out there? So I buried it. I didn’t go to Terry or try to deal with any of it. It was my fault.

For the record, blog readers, hear this loud and clear. I made a decision that was right—pursuing God passionately—and one that was wrong—letting myself get offended. The wrong one is the antithesis of the Cross and negated the right one. When Jesus hung on the Cross even the Father turned His face away. GOD CANNOT BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SIN! Why was that so hard for me to understand while I was busy being “right”? Now I get scared when I hear people get upset with people—which of course I hear all the time because this is the real word. And of course I struggle with it too—hello, last week it was me fighting it even after great revelation! But I get scared because I know the pit it can become. I would literally bet MONEY that if we went into any mental institution and were somehow able to see the root of what made a person “crazy” we would find an offense. The difference might be the magnitude of it or timing in life, or the previous stability of the person.

Many people do not know how unstable I used be. If not for the mighty hand of God in my life I would have been in a mental hospital at least once. I would have been a lot of things, none of them good. The Lord has worked amazingly in my life over the years and I am very sound and stable—often more so than many around me who have always been considered “normal” but I know it is God’s work in me. But because of my predisposition to instability, I saw clearly, I think, the wiles of the enemy when I came out of this. It is never right to be offended, even if someone slaps you. It makes it all so clear—why Jesus says turn the other cheek. It is not for our enemies but for us! He knows it will save our lives. Yesterday I read a verse the whole world knows, but it struck me. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, nether will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15, NKJV) It is clear. Some things in the Bible take interpretation. That doesn’t.

The other thing I read a lot of is I John. Teach me to love has become my prayer. It is hard—it goes against my nature but it is life and breath so I will learn.

Since the breakthrough on November 21, I have been a different person. I was only away a semester but I grew up. I did. I am not the same person who left here in August. That is why I hate the question: “So you just decided you don’t like it out there, huh?” It was so much more than that. In the end I went to both Pastor Darrell and Terry. We talked separately and I told them this story first. I repented and never had to wonder if they would forgive me because they already had the love revelation. Terry said that she had already forgiven me even before I came out there. She knew. The night told Terry we shared communion together—a very significant and special event for us both. We are stronger friends now than before. And in two weeks I will be on a plane back out there to visit again. I am the only person I now with a church in Texas and a church in California—and I regularly attend both!

I stand in awe of my Lord who has loved me enough to give me victory in an area where I asked for defeat. We go so delicately by the grace of God. I think maybe I understand how great people fall. It takes ONE slip up, one open door and the decline begins. I know because I did it. Who is not vulnerable?

The enemy roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.

He roams and searches and we get mad that someone did not return our call again or said the wrong thing.

Come on in, Enemy, I have prepared a table for you.

God loves me when I do the stupidest things ever—how dare I, in my humanness not love those around me? So now I am learning—present tense—not learned, but on the right track.

Over 10 months ago I left on a road trip to California. It was going to be a fun adventure. All the details are contained the previous pages of this blog. I intended this blog to last a few weeks at most. But Susan’s Road Trip to California became a real metaphor. It was nine months from start to finish. I don’t think that was an accident either. God works in cycles. I feel like I was born again all over again. I love God so much more than ever because I understand His love in a deeper dimension. I had no idea what a tough lesson I would learn when I left last March. If I had a clue of HALF of what was to happen, I would never have gone to California in March. But I don’t believe for a second it was a mistake. I think exactly what was supposed to happen did. I would not have learned this lesson in my cozy life in Tyler. I am a compensator. Things are bad in one realm I fill up the other and deny the first. Offenses can ferment quietly that way—someone in my personal life hurts me so I focus on work and don’t deal with it. But in LA I had nothing good but church and that was tarnished with the offense., I had nowhere to run and nothing with which to compensate. That probably saved my life. That was the most populated wilderness experience ever, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The effects it has had on me are amazing also. Not only has it begun to teach me about real love in a way I never understood, but it has grown me up in all areas of my life and it has settled me. If money is ever okay in that sense I am actually talking of buying a house. Susan put down ROOTS. But I guess it makes sense, I have put down enough of the WRONG roots, so maybe it is time for the right ones.

I returned joyfully to Tyler. I love my new life, my new home and my new job. My only hesitation is that I cannot get too attached while this job is considered INTERIM. I hate that word! IF it goes permanent, I start house hunting in a couple years. I am ready to live. Somehow this one revelation ties up a lot of loose ends for me. I don’t have it all down perfectly by any means. But I have enough that I am anchored. Just as my smoking deliverance anchored me forever even though I had some terrible times emotionally after, so has this give me an anchor that cannot be moved. It is too heavy and deeply ingrained. And I am reminded of God’s grace daily because the anchor that could be immovable in me COULD be my sin, but instead it is HIS forgiveness. And in His great love has restored all to me that I thought I lost—and then some. I have a better job, better home, me friends, higher salary, more stability, and more hope.

So I am home. Really I am home. I committed to love and give. I am committed to walking it in whatever way the Lord opens a door for every call I feel in me. I have had too much put in me to wait until it randomly appears. God is moving and I am going with Him. In the last week a new move has started in me that I can’t even explain. All I have to say is sometimes the very thing you laugh at can be the thing God does in you.

So the new adventure begins. Perhaps there will be another blog soon. But I am not sure I need one anymore. My blog is a book and now it has an ending. So much has happened and so many things have shaped me. But only one thing matters and that is the ultimate lesson—old words with a new meaning that will forever make me different:

The greatest of these is love.

1/9/04--One thing that amazed me is how one minute everything is so me, and the next it is so God. What He did today is utterly astounding to the fleshly part of me, and yet I know even greater His grace and mercy.

Love. It is all about love now. And I don’t think I will ever escape it again.

Sometimes the test of true deliverance comes when faced with the next great crisis. Two weeks after I was delivered from smoking, I did not see the POINT of not smoking. I was so upset, despondent, rejected, hopeless. How do you see God through that? And yet at the crisis climax, what Jesus had done was greater than my pain.

This was similar. It was also miraculous. Nothing I did.

Sometimes you see how far you have come more by what you DON’T do than what you actually DO.

If I would ever finish this long blog with that final entry, all these abstract entries would make more sense! Sufficient to say, today was nothing short of a miracle of the power of God working in a human life and causing freedom where the devil seeks bondage.

In other (ordinary) news today, many things came together better. I got heat, got enrolled at UT for my grad classes, and completed a lot around my new home. I will probably move tomorrow. I bought a computer desk and bookcase today. The bed came this morning, and last night Tara, Donald, Micah and I got my mattresses. My room is wonderful and when it is fully complete will be my glorious haven.

But my favorite room in that whole big townhome is the prayer closet. And I am not kidding when I say that the glory of God lives in that room. I mean, it is almost overwhelming. I guess when Robin and I prayed last weekend God moved and that place became my place of prayer. I am not sure I will ever want to leave that place simply because of that teeny room where I will meet with God in many glorious moments. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.

I am hanging out on the couch in Robin’s living room. I was so cold today I could hardly stand to breathe in air. It was around 20 degrees this morning and climbed all the way to the 30s. Ow! But even though it is utterly miserable, I LOVE it.

Work was fine—a couple boring meetings but not much else. I left in the early afternoon and went to a Super Wal-Mart to buy stuff to make dinner for Robin and me—as well as to get some things like pans and even a bread maker.

I forgot to go to the post office AGAIN. Is it Freudian? A subconscious desire to keep this as my address? I mean that is just STUPID—who wants to drive to Quitman all the time! I MUST go tomorrow.

After work my sofa is being delivered and then I will go to church so I probably will go straight to Tyler—it will be a long day. Maybe it will be warmer. I am under an afghan and chilled through and through. It is supposed to be 18 degrees tonight.

Had some emotional ups and downs today. So which part was God from Sunday night? What was my own feelings? Was it all Him? So hard to tell, to learn—to grow in the Sprit—and yet nothing I want more. And that unusual thing in me… I can tell it is still there even though nothing like Sunday has happened again. Robin says t could just simply be the joy of the Lord or the rivers of living water welling up in me. It is something—and it causes me to glorify God so it is something good, but that is all I know…

I questioned Sunday night’s decision today. But after talking to Robin she said something she didn’t even realize that made me decide I have to give it more time, so we will see. Meanwhile in the little emotional time, some truth came out of me again. It is something I must discuss in depth with the Lord, perhaps even tonight, but something I know I must deal with. This is harder because with Terry and Pastor Darrell I knew hw I would be received—with Robin I know too, but not this time. But I can tell the underlying hurt exists and must be confronted. Freedom comes with truth, not cover up.

And the blog continues almost as normal, but it is not—maybe this weekend I will eke out the rest of the story. But soon.

Tara and I are furniture shopping Thursday and getting mattresses. I will have heat then too. Friday the bed comes and I imagine that Saturday or Sunday I will move in there and out of here. Three weeks. I have prayed more than once that God do a quick work.

Can it be quick enough to satisfy a lifetime?

In Quitman today the temperature is topping out at about 40 degrees; tonight it will be 22 or less. Yikes I am COLD! I forgot how miserable cold can be as I started work today in college-land. Oh, how delightful to be treated as a PROFESSIONAL. Okay, yeah, I had an in-service schedule—but no one cared if I went to any meetings. I did not see a sign in sheet all the glorious day. I attended only the morning assembly before my immediate supervisor took me aside so we could talk-then we went and met my assistant in journalism. I spent all day in the newsroom. I attended no more meetings. Tomorrow’s 9-5 schedule is now 9-12 for Susan—there is some mandatory meting in the morning but that is it. After lunch is an OPTIONAL 4 hour CPR class. Like DUH!!!

I was welcomed by everyone I met but knew even more. My supervisor was amazed. She kept introducing me to people I knew well! It was funny-and it probably made me look good. That is what I need. Although I think the real effort will simply be in if they can GET the full time position approved. That is hanging in the air for now—looks good, but no promises. That is the only downside—can’t get your heart fully involved til you KNOW.

On the other side of my brain is what is happening spiritually. Something major happened last night and yet today it is so normal in the world that I almost wonder if I imagined it all—even though I know I didn’t. Tonight I emailed Camilla to ask her for some Scriptures she gave me years ago explaining something I didn’t understand—only this time I was asking because it is happening to me. This followed the astounding, powerful prayer time last night and the changes that I am not even sure I understand. I made one tangible change and though it has only been a day I notice no difference—after almost two years I wonder if I will at all. All I know is that I believe God did something. I believe Robin—I believe the anointing in her, and I responded based on what I had in my head afterwards. So I acted in faith. I have not told Robin yet, but she will understand how significant it is. I suppose we won’t know for weeks. This blog will be long over.

Yes, folks, it will. The ONLY hold up is finishing that long final entry where I tell the rest of the story. I just need to take time and sit down and do it. I think now that I have found the answer, the ending of the story, I have no real desire to continue this blog. I maybe start another, perhaps for other purposes. But the road trip is over. Sometimes you learn things in a week on the road, and sometimes it takes nine months, but you either learn or waste away in that area. God is faithful. And now the learning has expanded. I don’t know what He is doing right now. I don’t comprehend it. I am used to my mind being actually engaged but that is it. So there are new paths ahead, new things for my God and me to do together.

I will embrace every moment!

When the things you used to think were nuts start to happen to you, you know the Spirit has come upon you in a new way.

Double major wow!!!!!

The Lord worked a miracle in me tonight. I experienced a mighty anointing as Robin prayed (so did she--even moreso!). And the heavens opened. Literally, I think.

Major WOW!

I don’t blog much these days. the reason for that is twofold: One is because I am at Robin’s still and if I am home I am often out talking to her, not blogging. Duh—like there is a choice. Two is that I am almost done anyway—currently I am working on the last blog entry. I have written about a page of it, but it is hard to write, hard to express. It may take me a while—especially since my life is loony again.

I start work tomorrow. I am not ready. I guess if it were just classes it would be easier, but I have two solid days of 8-5 in-service. That consumes my day and part of my evening,. This is only two days but it is not a great time because there is so much going on.

I just got home from church and am finding myself a bit out of it. Church was good. In fact there was a sweet anointing permeating the entire place this morning. Communion was beautiful, and I enjoyed the service. But I think I am too tired. I have little energy today. I am just too tired. Period. Since it is almost 4:30, sleeping would be useless. But it isn’t helping me since I am so exhausted. I did not even go by my place in Tyler today. I can’t handle masses of boxes when I am overtired.

I have definitely made the right decision because the idea of commuting to church is simply GROSS. This is my second Sunday of a rainy commute and I don’t like it. It is too far to go and come—you want to linger but when you do you have a whole hour before you go. It will be good to live by church. Work commutes are different.

So I am not sure what is ailing me. Maybe some minor anxiety—nothing huge but more like the way you feel when there is so much that has to happen in a specified time period and the idea is a bit overwhelming. Also maybe a bit of apprehension. New job, new home, new friends.

That is another thing: Friends. Yikes. I find myself wanting to run fast and far from people. The very things I though the Lord told me to do are TERRIFYING me now that the newness has worn off. I realize the truth of that: Unless I feel God I not direct me or has changed His mind, then I stay with the instruction I have unless otherwise directed.

But I am not sure I am strong enough. Sure I am grasping some stuff way better and operating in it. My prayer life has snowballed. My intimacy with God is on a deeper level. But, darnit, that people thing is tough. This morning in the midst of a very nice service and lovely worship I found myself wrestling with the same feelings of wanting to run. I won't of course; I’ve nowhere to go anyway. I already went. I am back with new vision.

No one told me that new vision could be a bit hard to see all the time.

People are telling me they are glad I am back. I could not have really asked for a nicer welcome back than I have received from people. And Carissa phrased it best when she said it was like I never left—there I was sitting near her where she could hear me laughing at the funny things Pastor Jerry said and the usual stuff. I told her that is exactly what it felt like to me too.

Maybe that is it: Maybe it is too familiar and that is what is off today.

Texas TIDNOTES for today (you would have had to be in church this morning to know what a TIDNOTE is!) include a cold front that meant it was almost twenty degrees warmer when I walked in the restaurant for lunch than when I emerge red from eating. I forgot how East Texas weather changes so suddenly. I was HOT when I left the house this morning and so could I was almost shivering when I was leaving to come home. Lunch itself was rather Texas—Armadillo Willy’s. I no longer flinch at seeing things like the “dillo wrap” or express surprise that the offer a Buffalo Burger.

Texas is strange at times, but it is still me.

I realized just a minute ago that this blog really is almost done. I have said that I was finishing it before, but it wasn’t in my heart—it was formulaic. But the season is over. I am not sure exactly WHEN I will finish it. But I know it is about done. I guess one thing I have to do is write down the last revelation—the greatest one of all. Literally, it is the greatest. I am not up to that yet—I am far too busy rushing around and doing the crazy life settling stuff, but it won’t be long. I clicked on the blog file tonight and I just saw it—it is almost over. And that is good.

I am not who I was when I began. In less than a year I have grown many more. I grew the hard way. Still, I grew.

Today I got an apartment. It is a lovely town home. I was wandering around a store looking at furniture in complete awe. I had not yet been approved for the apartment but I knew I was going to be. I have never in my life had as much peace as I have had in the last month. I knew it was happening and I was in complete awe. How could this be REAL? I wondered. God is so merciful that it is astounding. This apartment is mine? This job? I am getting new furniture? But wait! I am Susan Tyrrell… it is not supposed to be that way. God thinks otherwise, I guess. I will never understand a mercy so great.

So I am in awe. He has restored all the enemy sought to steal, but with greater depth and quality than before. The people, the places the life… A few months ago in my own ignorance and fear I practically cursed Him. Now I can only weep in repentance for such an act. I love and worship and adore my Abba Father. He is the reason I live.

What other reason IS there to live?

I went back to church today and felt like I never left. If not for Pastor Jerry welcoming me back publicly I would hardly have thought I was away for a semester. It was wonderful.

It was also neat because both the Sunday school and church messages were confirmations of where I am and what God has been doing. In church there I was again with a flag in my hand, dancing around in worship. I was beaming at the grace of God. I mean, it was really like I never left. Only I had—I left and grew up.

The message was awesome—as Pastor Jerry is. People welcomed me—even clapped when Pastor Jerry welcomed me back. I realize that some might feel a bit embarrassed by returning after 5 months, but I don’t. I am so confident in the work God has done that I can’t possibly be anything but positive. Someone teased me “See, I told you, you weren’t supposed to go. “ I said “No, I was supposed to go, but now I am supposed to be back.” “Why did God send you back then?” “Because He is gracious and when He teaches you something, and you have learned it, then He releases you.” That is it.

So I am back. I am home. New Year’s Eve night when the dancers don their costumes and dance to “Days of Elijah” I will be alongside, doing it with them. Like I never missed a beat.

I went to lunch with Jonathan and Lisa and we had a blast. I LOVE being with people where we talk about spiritual stuff like that. They are so neat and I see how many good friends I already have here. I am so blessed. I shared the skeleton of the story with them but not the heart. Not yet. But I promised to have them over for dinner and share it all. I saw my revelation truth play out more today. It is amazing stuff, yet so simple.

It was very funny because one ministry I feel the Lord telling me to involve myself with is, of all things, the singles’ group—a group I have avoided at every church I have EVER attended! But I feel that is God’s desire. I had not even talked to the person in charge of singles when she came to me and said “So are we going to get you involved with us this time?” I laughed and said that was exactly what God had been leading me to do. So before the New Ear’s service, I will meet them for dinner in Tyler. I suppose obedience should begin immediately.

I am already seeing things I felt in my heart from the Lord be true.

He who called me is faithful.

Excerpts from a couple letters to Terry today:

Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. She cannot believe I am like this--I think it is just release and freedom—a little touch of Holy Spirit drunkenness—I love it!!! My free spirit is my favorite part of my personality and it has been gone a long time!

Later... I am so high that I think I am truly a bit drunk in the Spirit--no joke. I was here at Robin’s and poor Robin has had to put up with me laughing all day. Like I cannot stop laughing—over and over I laugh and laugh. In fact for a person with bruised ribs, this is not good! So then we were home later and Robin was cleaning and turned some music on and the song was one that expressed my heart and I turned over on the couch—Robin probably thought I was resting and I was praying and praying and taking in the song. And then I thought OH MY GOSH! I was about to lose it in a good way right there—and while I suppose Robin would have understood if I started bellowing out my prayers and praying in the Spirit as I was feeling, I realized I needed to go to my prayer spot here in Quitman, where I have not been in AGES—possibly years. So I threw on shoes and told Robin I was having a God moment and had to get to my prayer spot. And Zoom! I was out the door. My car easily found its way to the old spot—down the winding back roads I had not been on in years. You know I told Robin yesterday, I am proud of myself that I can navigate LA freeways with ease after a few months there, but I would like to see most Angelinos drive down the pitch black back roads of East Texas and find their ways. That makes me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Anyway, I found this spot I have been going to for TEN YEARS, almost! But back then it was a place I used to go read depressing poetry—a place I wanted to go kill myself—and God redeemed it and turned my “suicide spot” into my “prayer spot.” It sits in the midst of tall trees overlooking a lake and it is still always. It is so incredibly gorgeous in the night—you drive down a back road and then off the beaten path in front of a gate to nowhere. And I sit and pray. For years I have had talks with the Lord out there but tonight was the first in ages. I was completely lost in worship and prayer. I felt I really wanted to pray for my return back. Tomorrow as I embark on church again, it will be like a formal reemergence into East Texas society. I wanted to commit it to the Lord. And then I lay back in my seat, hands extended and worshipped and loved God and took in more of the Spirit—I could feel that all through me. I ended with a CD –the one with my deliverance song on it and remembered again the journey.

I am having wonderful experiences with God but they are for more. I really believe that now. With all my revelation has come serious epiphanies and it is real—I know it. Anyway, it was an awesome time with God—almost an hour in the woods and then back home where I promptly began giggling again when I talked to Robin! You know what it is though? I know EXACTLY:

It s the OIL OF JOY.

That is the term that comes to me. Before when I was miserable I thought once I got her I would crash and cry and just sort of cry it all out form the months of misery. But now it is like a crash but a revival of my spirit and this laugher that has been going on since Christmas ended—and thus the stress of planning and all that happened—is joy. I just looked up the verse. You know it well, I am sure—even though I did not relate that it was from Isaiah 61 when I thought of it:

Isaiah 61:3 -To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I think that is my verse suddenly!

Excerpts from a copuple letters to Terry today:

Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. She cannot believe I am like this--I think it is just release and freedom—a little touch of Holy Spirit drunkenness—I love it!!! My free spirit is my favorite part of my personality and it has been gone a long time!

Later... I am so high that I think I am truly a bit drunk in the Spirit--no joke. I was here at Robin’s and poor Robin has had to put up with me laughing all day. Like I cannot stop laughing—over and over I laugh and laugh. In fact for a person with bruised ribs, this is not good! So then we were home later and Robin was cleaning and turned some music on and the song was one that expressed my heart and I turned over on the couch—Robin probably thought I was resting and I was praying and praying and taking in the song. And then I thought OH MY GOSH! I was about to lose it in a good way right there—and while I suppose Robin would have understood if I started bellowing out my prayers and praying in the Spirit as I was feeling, I realized I needed to go to my prayer spot here in Quitman, where I have not been in AGES—possibly years. So I threw on shoes and told Robin I was having a God moment and had to get to my prayer spot. And Zoom! I was out the door. My car easily found its way to the old spot—down the winding back roads I had not been on in years. You know I told Robin yesterday, I am proud of myself that I can navigate LA freeways with ease after a few months there, but I would like to see most Angelinos drive down the pitch black back roads of East Texas and find their ways. That makes me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Anyway, I found this spot I have been going to for TEN YEARS, almost! But back then it was a place I used to go read depressing poetry—a place I wanted to go kill myself—and God redeemed it and turned my “suicide spot” into my “prayer spot.” It sits in the midst of tall trees overlooking a lake and it is still always. It is so incredibly gorgeous in the night—you drive down a back road and then off the beaten path in front of a gate to nowhere. And I sit and pray. For years I have had talks with the Lord out there but tonight was the first in ages. I was completely lost in worship and prayer. I felt I really wanted to pray for my return back. Tomorrow as I embark on church again, it will be like a formal reemergence into East Texas society. I wanted to commit it to the Lord. And then I lay back in my seat, hands extended and worshipped and loved God and took in more of the Spirit—I could feel that all through me. I ended with a CD –the one with my deliverance song on it and remembered again the journey.

I am having wonderful experiences with God but they are for more. I really believe that now. With all my revelation has come serious epiphanies and it is real—I know it. Anyway, it was an awesome time with God—almost an hour in the woods and then back home where I promptly began giggling again when I talked to Robin! You know what it is though? I know EXACTLY:

It s the OIL OF JOY.

That is the term that comes to me. Before when I was miserable I thought once I got her I would crash and cry and just sort of cry it all out form the months of misery. But now it is like a crash but a revival of my spirit and this laugher that has been going on since Christmas ended—and thus the stress of planning and all that happened—is joy. I just looked up the verse. You know it well, I am sure—even though I did not relate that it was from Isaiah 61 when I thought of it:

Isaiah 61:3 -To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I think that is my verse suddenly!

Friday December 26, 2003

Today was the perfect day. They don’t happen often but they sure are great then they do. Robin and I went shopping in Dallas. We had a perfect time, laughing gabbing, being together. It has been a very long time since we had this much time together to relax and have fun. I hope it is not that long til next time. We had a delicious dinner at Maggiano’s Little Italy at Northpark. Then we came home, after some more stops, and I finally shared the rest of my revelation with her. We talked a lot about God stuff and especially the Holy Spirit.

And then we spent forever praying. Okay, so it was probably more like an hour or maybe a bit more but it was incredible. Since this prayer thing in me has been revived and God has given me some real direction in it, I have had many lingering times of prayer alone but this was the first lingering time I had with someone else an the power of agreement is so awesome. It was one of those times when I just looked up and said “WOW!” There is nothing in the world that can be compared to when the Holy Spirit just falls like that. Some people tonight where probably doing everything from drinking to just being stupid with people they don’t know well in an effort to attain the very peace that we had because we lingered in the presence of God in worship. Why do people want to be outside the presence of God? Nothing else works. But then I know how easy it is to slip—how diabolical the enemy is. I know because I was just there. But when the Lord revealed to me WHAT had happened and WHY it happened I was changed forever. I am not the same because, yet again, the truth set me free.

I am feeling so much better today. Yesterday my ribs were terribly sore and I was still hacking. I told Robin I wanted her to anoint me with oil and pray for me. And she did before we went to bed last night. At fir it was just an ordinary, if nice, prayer, but then we both—we discussed later—felt something change and felt that God was touching it. After we prayed, I instantly felt better than I did. I have not taken any cough medicine since then and my cough is a mild occasional cough, not a hack. The really sore rib is barely painful and though there is another that is a bit painful, it is so mcuh better it is amazing. I was on my feet all day and it did not make it worse. I know God touched it and I said to Robin that when we prayed I wanted us to thank Him for that—to me it was important to say a real thank you—not just in passing—this is something I have really learned from Terry that I love so mcuh and want to incorporate. You spend time, for example, asking God for something. Then you get it and it seems right that you should then go spend time in thanksgiving. I love how Terry thinks that way and I want to be conscious of that. So I was glad it came to me to do that.

I am working VERY hard and cultivating these things. I did not get zapped with my life changing revelation and suddenly become Miss Holier-Than-Thou—what happened is I realized how important some stuff was and now I am working on it daily. It is hard but worth it. I believe it is the right way to be and I want to be that way. I may have plummeted low but seeing what the weakness was and knowing the truth has transformed me even more. You cannot have a realization and truth from God like this and ever be the same,. And yet I feel a great responsibility with it and will do what I have to in order to live it. And I feel distinct direction from the Lord already that I am attempting to act on.

I got a call back today on an apartment I was looking at. Beverly saw it and called me. The rent is great—it is a duplex that is a lot like a house and huge in a great neighborhood. I will see it Monday. Of course there are many others, but Robin saw me drifting off into Apartment-land many times. I haven’t had a home for a long time. I haven’t had a home since I went to Los Angeles over spring break in March—that is when my heart went out the door. I stopped making a home and started packing it. Pasadena was never home. Never. So I am ready. I am ready to buy furniture and set up a house. But I know even though I am ready it will be hard to leave here—how utterly wonderful it is to be in this house and enjoy the continued fellowship of my own spiritual mother. I couldn't do it forever, but I think it is just what God ordered after the prison term in LA. Of course the scary part is that I had the key all along.

But now I am relaxing and enjoying being home, being in Quitman, even. I enjoy the country air, the Bobbin bobbing around—the nighttime prayers. When I leave we are trying a three week schedule—it is okay but it will be a big adjustment for me, I know. No matter what I do or how busy I am, there is n time like my time with Robin. She is my true spiritual mom and these moments raise me more and more into a mature woman of God.

That is priceless.

I have not blogged much lately. It is hard. I am living at Robin’s and my full sized computer is on a hardwood floor. Thus, I either have to sit or lay on the floor which is cold, and besides that my ribs are very sore from being bruised, so it is simply uncomfortable to blog. I expect to purchase my new laptop tomorrow at which point blogging can be done from in bed.

Christmas was nice. The fact is, I am very bad at being confined to one house all day long and sitting. I think I realized that this year. I did Thanksgiving okay this year because I was cooking half the dinner. But I go stir crazy after a few hours of inactivity. That is no reflection on where I am. I felt the same at my aunt’s each year. Very nice but I am always ready for the 26th when options open up again!

This year started off special though. I went to early morning prayer and boy, if you could have had a camera on my face when I saw Pastor Jerry—I smiled like a kid greeting her dad. I am so happy to be home. I told them I am coming back here and commuting. He was happy, of course. We began prayer in a circle praying together and he thanked the Lord for bringing me back and providing for everything I needed to complete the move. Later when I told him how amazing this job was and how it was more than I expected,. He said “that just shows how much the Lord wanted you back here.” I am going to meet with him when we both go back to work and share the whole story with him. He is the next one I will tell it to. There are so many people I want to understand, but it isn’t time. I want to be careful because what is a life changing revelation to me might simply sound like a sermon out of the Bible to another and I don’t want to preach, I want to share the goodness of God and tell people what He has done for me not to drill anything into someone but to share my OWN joy at how the Lord has changed my life—and hopefully encourage people that the answer can be that simple in Him.

I struggle every day with it. It is like the smoking deliverance. I was instantly delivered with my vision many years ago but after the high wore down, I found that even though I was delivered, my natural instinct was to smoke a cigarette so I would sit down to write and start to think I should pick one up. It wasn’t that I NEEDED one, but breaking ritual is something that involves thought and effort. That is how this is. It is much harder back in Texas. I guess I knew it would be. But this is the place I have to live it out. Anyone can be a Christian on a mission’s trip, but what do you do on the job and in daily life? That is kind of my situation. LA was like a mission’s trip—all new and exciting after it was finally good. But this is home and real life. Can I live out the revelation? Gosh, if I can’t live it out now it is hopeless. I say that because it was like smoking. When I was delivered I KNEW I had the greatest measure of grace to walk it out I would ever have. If I couldn’t receive it then, under that grace, how could I do it later without it? That is how I feel now. Do I have this down? By no means! But I have greater grace—grace to confess when I ,mess up, grace to try harder, grace to refuse the pride more. So I can’t quit. After a few weeks the habit of wanting to smoke left my hands. It was a very long time before I never thought of it on a regular basis, but the time did come. This deliverance came like that one in many ways and I must persevere as I did then, knowing it is a mandate from God with the equipping grace to follow though. So I will.

Anyway, I am bonkered tonight. I am tired. My ribs are in agony from a coughing fit a while ago, and I need rest. Tomorrow Robin and I are going shopping in Dallas. Not sure what I am doing Saturday, but Sunday I am going to Tyler Metro again. I am going home. I kind of wanted to wait until the next Sunday—the first of the year—it seemed appropriate, like a fresh beginning, but I nee to start reshaping my life. I feel God instructing me in certain areas in the church, and I need to get in and get going.

I am not sure I am ready for the questions. I am not at all ashamed or embarrassed. Because I know what spiritual development has taken place I truly have the attitude that it is other people’s problems if they don’t get it. I can’t worry about that. But it is more like it is just annoying to try to explain something so profound in two seconds. The question I have learned to hate the most is this: “So, you just decided you didn’t like it out there?” That is so fickle to me. Well, NO, I didn’t like it, but it was a LOT more than that that caused me to pack up and move. While I am sure people don‘t MEAN it that way, that question implies a lack of thought and care to what God thinks. Did I like it? No! But it wasn’t because of it being an evil awful place; it was because of the evil, awful in ME and then when God touched that I could have stayed OR gone—He released me to come home. So I don’t get MAD at people who ask me that but I just hate it because it is not simple as the question is.

Oh, sign of a small town. I was at a friend’s this morning saying hello when her sister said “I hope you are feeling better; I saw your name on the ER list.” She works in hospital administration and saw I had been to the ER Monday night. I thought, my word, in Quitman you can't even knock one someone's door to let them know you are here! So funny! That is my town. And I love it anyway. I could have lived here but I know I have to be in Tyler because of church. It is time to settle and commit.

It won’t be easy, but it is God, so it will be good.

A whole semester I lived in Los Angeles and not once felt an earthquake. There were a few mild ones, but I never felt one. I thought of that as I left town, thinking it was astounding to have NOT felt one in the time I was there.

Today a big quake struck near where I grew up. It was felt from San Francisco to Los Angeles. James called Beverly while I was over to ask if it was near where I had been. Emotion flooded me. I do not consider the timing a coincidence. Wild.

Meanwhile I ended up in the ER tonight—I have a NEW respiratory virus. Oh joy! I also have bruised ribs from coughing. I now have ANOTHER prescription cough medicine and Vicodin.

Just call me Toxic Susan. But I already feel better.

Tomorrow I unload the trailer at Beverly’s office for a couple weeks. Then after Christmas (and some rest!)I will house hunt. I finally know where I am supposed to be.

I was more surprised than anyone.

Sunday December 21, 2003

Amarillo, Texas, 5:29 a.m. local time. Red Roof Inn.

Yes, folks, I am in Texas. Of course, the ironic part is that before I get home I will cross into Oklahoma and then back down into Texas again. Still, I am in my state. Am I crazy or did I notice a difference on the other side of the state line? The sky is bigger; the stars are brighter. The night is filled with a stillness and peace in Texas.

That said, I sobbed my eyes out when I crossed the state line. I was listening to a Hillsongs CD and a favorite song as on. I was singing along, trying to ascend a slope when all of a sudden, a bit earlier than I expected I saw the sign” TEXAS STATE LINE. And then emotion flooded me. Yes, I have been here twice since I moved, but always on planes. This time I was driving and had a U-Haul attached to me, so the reality hit and I lost it in the best way ever. As hard as it was to leave in certain ways, I know this is home and I belong here. And I was filled with such love for God for what He has done. He is so loving and forgiving and filled with mercy. I can hardly believe what He is doing. I almost feel like I left a kid and return a grown up—even though I was only gone 4 ½ months. That is how massive His work in me is. He is amazing. Even when I an the biggest loser ever, He is filled with compassion.

It’s all about forgiveness and love. Period.

So that is my spiritual gushing (for now), and here is the road trip report.

First, the trip is better this time around because I broke it into three days. What a difference that makes. I am not sure going the northern route was the best as far as the driving with a trailer, but it is a nicer way. I knew my gas mileage would be reduced, but by a THIRD? GASP! A couple of times I did not even get 175 miles on a tank of gas—I am used to almost 400 on the interstate! From 40 mpg to as low as 10 or 11 at times. I didn’t mind the money so much (cheaper than paying for a truck!) but I did mind having to stop all the time! I am a road warrior. My philosophy is stop when you are out of gas, go to the restroom, get food and get on the road. I occasionally stop in between, but I push it. Not with a U-Haul I don’t!

I am used to driving with it now. On flat surfaces it will coast at 75 and be just fine, which is a relief. My first day was not so wonderful.

I left Terry’s house at about 2:10 Friday afternoon—I got on the 210 freeway and as soon as I got to the Pasadena interchange there by Lake Street I hit traffic that lasted all the way through the Inland Empire. Not until I got past Victorville and onto I-40 did it loosen up! So much for leaving early. Los Angeles gave me a lovely god bye. I am so happy that when I return I will not be driving (not the first time at least!). I like LA much more with a car.

I did not realize HOW hilly I-40 was. I only drove it once before and that was the opposite direction in a car. This time I discovered that even when you are on cruise control at 70, the car will only go 45-50 ascending hills. The RPMs would rev higher and poor Gracie (my car) would chug along like an athlete who went from a 5K to a marathon overnight. I realized CA has stupid traffic laws. (Like DUH!). The speed limit for normal cars was 65-70 while trucks and “autos with trailers” are supposed to observe a 55 limit. Give me a break. Ever tried to drive 55 mph is CA when traffic is flowing. Entering Arizona was better because the speed limit for all went to 75. Of course most of the night I was unable to reach it as I ascend to over 7000 feet in elevation.. I just had a funny thought. Flying from Tyler to Dallas my plane has been as low as 10,000 feet, yet I was driving almost that high! Texas is nothing if not flat (-:

So I chugged along to Flagstaff. Because of the time change I did not arrive til after midnight—and I lost at least an hour getting out of LA. The hotel had not received my reservation from the central computer, but that was great because I got my bargain rate on twice the sized room. It was very cold—below freezing. I parked the U-Haul. I actually tried to back up to park it closer to my room but realized it was a futile attempt. I hated leaving the U-Haul outside but I prayed and went to bed. Flagstaff was pretty with the mountains and remnants of snow. The ground had snow and ice in the shrubs and stuff, which I loved. I felt like I was in another world.

I went to bed far too late and awoke far too early but I was on the road by 8:30 a.m. headed for the next night’s goal of Amarillo. The second day’s drive was much better. The hills were less extreme, and while I hit the Continental Divide at over 7000 feet again, my speed was better, RPM s less and gas mileage even increased. I had also prayed that I could get at least 200 miles a tank simply for not having to stop-and I have been! The drive was better but I wasn’t. the annoying little bit of a cough was still bugging me and I was having pains the night before that by Saturday had moved to the place I didn’t want them to be—my rib cage. Yes, indeed, I recognize the pain—had it two years ago with a cough---but worse then and on both sides. I think I bruised a rib. It is so sore when I cough or breath deeply or turn over or anything. Last night it got pretty sore and this morning to remains so. So I am on a prayer fest with that one! I stopped outside Albuquerque and bought some allergy meds for the cough and some syrup and last night hit Wal-Mart and got some other cough stuff. I know I have to stop ALL remnants of coughing for the rib to heal. This is a bit annoying because I have to get a storage unit Monday or Tuesday and Robin and Steve will be at work so I get to move stuff with a bruised rub. I think I will take healing instead!

I arrived early in Amarillo—even with the time change again I was sat my hotel by 7 or so. This is a first on a long road trip. So I checked in and went to Wal-Mart. I wanted a real dinner, but I couldn’t park at any fast food place! I gave up and found a sandwich in the SuperCenter! I felt very at home-good and bad, I was back.

I was asleep by 9:30 or so—last I recall I was praying myself to sleep and then except for waking up once at 12:30 in the morning I slept through til 4 a.m.. My body is all out of whack! I should be sleeping LATER since I am on west coast time, but as my friend Lisa put it last week, I don’t think I ever adjusted to west coast time. I think I lived on Texas time the whole time I was in California. It is pretty funny. I think I am just excited to get there. Although I am doing great mentally and spiritually—I am also exhausted. I am ready to crash, and when I arrive at Robin’s I get to rest a little for the first time in a long time. Really I won’t rest a whole lot til after Christmas because I have to unload my trailer and return it Christmas Eve and then drive back to Quitman Christmas day, but it is still rest and I can’t wait!

So now it is almost 6 a.m. in Amarillo, Texas. Because I am meeting my friend for lunch and she goes to church, I have lots of down time this morning. I could leave right now and be in Quitman early, but this is better. I will enjoy seeing my friend too. And by golly I WILL park at that restaurant. I am ready to sit down and eat a real meal. Grocery store deli sandwiches (my sole diet yesterday) are okay once in a while, but I want real food!

I have some prescription strength Motrin I am taking for the rib, but it doesn’t seem to help much. I am still insured til Dec. 31 so I will call my insurance company and see if they will let me see someone here if it persists.

Well, I am sleepy—4 a.m. will do that! I probably need to leave here around 9. I will drove just south of Oklahoma City to meet my friend in Norman, OK. I am sure our lunch will linger so we can gab. Then I will head south to Ardmore, OK where I will get off the interstate onto a local highway, 70, and drive east to Hugo, OK where I will go south out of OK and into Quitman from the northern direction, rather than going through Dallas. MY ETA is probably close to 8 p.m., a perfect arrival time. That gives me a lot of cushion throughout the day for stopping, etc. I don’t usually have the luxury to do this trip in three days, but it is so much better this way!

Meanwhile it feels natural to be on the road this week. Every year for three years I have left the Saturday of Christmas break and head to Alabama and stayed with the Zemas before heading on to see my aunt. I think this trip helps this year. I miss my aunt. I keep thinking I should be headed toward South Carolina. I think her death is hitting now because I only saw her at Christmas; the rest of the time we talked on the phone, but now not seeing her makes her really gone.

Well, I am going to do something with myself now—either decide I am awake or go to sleep (now that I have plied by body with caffeine and eaten breakfast!). And then I will hit the road. The home stretch awaits me.

Oh yeah, I think I know my church answer. I have been praying and praying. It is not that exact words are coming to me but it is just what is inside me—I am not ready to say for sure yet, but I think I know what I am supposed to do in that arena. I am seeking an answer in one more aspect but I think I have til February to know that so I am not going to worry on that one. The answers will come.

I am living proof that He is faithful—even when we are faithless.

Thursday December 18, 2003

I am hoping to post this before I get on the road tomorrow but that is not a definite. Sometimes you know you are beating the enemy by the things he pulls on you—when he can’t get at the emotions and stuff that deep, he goes for the stuff—This is why today I have a big new scratch on my car and a broken modem on my laptop the day before a road trip. It is pretty extraordinary. But fact is, all it does is make me want to pray harder. I am mad and ready to fight him. And the bottom line is that if I fight, I win.

That said, the good news is that I have been planning to buy a new laptop for weeks. I was only waiting to be sure I got my deposit back and I am getting it so that is a done deal. Theoretically I could buy one tomorrow and have it on the way home, and that is actually a thought, but I think I would rather wait and pick carefully because that is a serious purchase and I need one that will do well for my work and travel. So I may make a road trip back with no modem. I can blog and save to disk and post it when I get home, but without that modem I lose a big connection. What this means is that it is me and God in a deeper way. I love that that statement just made the devil mad enough to wish I had a new modem!

Anyway we loaded up tonight. Randy is an angel. He managed to get all the stuff I needed into my trailer—barely. I mean, you could not pack anything else in there but my 5 X 8 trailer has my washer and dryer, table and chairs, beautiful tables, blue chair and MANY boxes. It is loaded up and locked up at Terry’s. I am a bit stranded now—Belma will take me to work in the morning and then Rae is supposed to take me to Terry’s but I am a bit nervous because she was not at work today and now I can’t check my email to see if she wrote; she doesn’t have my cell number. But Belma is on standby for me. It has been crazy. Driving with a trailer is an adventure. Backing up is more of an adventure. I am glad I have LOTS of prayer!!!

Anyway, beside the wild stuff there was also great peace in my time with Terry. We had a beautiful time of prayer before our farewell—it is hardly goodbye! She anointed me and prayed over me, especially in regards to some stuff that we both believe God is moving me into now. Then I prayed for her and the church and it was just an all around effective, intense and awesome time of prayer and ministry. Our hearts are the same in many ways, especially spiritually. I am very closely connected to her in the area of prayer in a way that I know is a God thing and something He is doing. I felt that anyway, before, but when it came from HER mouth then I guess I really knew it.

It was sad to say good night and know it will be six weeks of nights before we say hello face to face or take hands to pray again. But mostly my tears were from seeing what has transpired. I cried as she prayed, and as we hugged, I cried and said it was so amazing to see what God has done—did we ever think we would be sitting here praying this way? Not hardly. It looked rough for a while there, but what was a bumpy ride led to a beautiful place of peace. It increased our bond too. I know we will always be close friends. And it is the strangest thing but I will always be a part of this church. That is a fact. Terry sees that too, and it is neat. So we prayed for eons and then said good night. I told her I loved her, turned around and didn’t look back. The next time we are together we might have a glimmer of what God is doing. We are both excited.

I gave her a silver frame that was kind of fun looking with “Friends through thick and thin” inscribed in it—and I put in the picture of me and Terry and Darrell when I had the cheerleading outfit on on Thanksgiving. That was a special day—and the picture of it is a happy memory of the change God has brought.

I have a couple people to whom I need to tell this story. One is Aunty. I will write her a letter at some point. The other is more important in this case. More and more I feel I need to tell Pastor Jerry. I went to him in October and we had a long talk. I need to tell him what happened and what God did. I won’t tell most people the details—not yet. One day maybe but not casually. I might share a testimony or something where the atmosphere is right, but this is not for the casual ear. But I need to tell Pastor Jerry.

Anyway, I have been up since 3:36 this morning—I simply could not sleep. I got up and prayed and packed and took a load to storage. That is when I saw how PACKED my 5 X 15 storage unit was and knew I was getting a 5 X 8 trailer and I began praying for a "loaves and fish” miracle—that God would multiply my space. In the end other than the boxes I already took to Terry’s with the intention of leaving only one crate of school books stayed—and they probably will fit in my car but I am trying to keep it down so I don’t look like a bag lady driving down the road. All that matters is going home. I wouldn’t even look as Randy and Terry finished the loading. I loaded my car. I could not imagine how all that stuff was going to get in where, but it all fit.

It was easier to drive loaded. And starting tomorrow I will drive to 1500 miles. Me and God on the open road. I am ready for the Word to fill me. It already has. The Spirit of the sovereign God is upon me.

January 29 is looking like my return date. Then early March. Terry might have a serious houseful in March still, so if that is the case then I will stay with Pastor Dan and Cindy. From pastor to pastor. I am honored at the friends in God I have. Then I imagine I will come back in April. I would LOVE to be here for Easter but I don’t know where God is taking me or what I might be doing at Easter. Then when school is out, I will probably drive out again and get my stuff and visit longer. I have it portioned out the best I can. I have frequent flier miles coming from cereal to internet to cell phone service. It is crazy, I know, but if you were here, if you could see, you would buy your own ticket and fly alongside me. Moses said to the Lord that he didn’t want to go if the presence of God did not go with him; likewise, I do not want to stay gone from where the presence of God is so mighty.

The breakthrough was serious and life changing. I know that because of the number of opportunities I have had to operate in it. I had one just this morning, and when I saw my NATURAL response I rejoiced in the work of the Lord. It is a positive revelation and a miracle. It is real, and it is lasting. The is no turning back. Now I know the truth in this area and nothing can hold me captive again in it unless I choose to consciously.

Yes folks, it was only 4 ½ months but God did it. He did years of work; He made it clear why I was there and taught me a lesson people don’t get in 4 YEARS of Bible college, sometimes, because he did it through divine impartation. All I want now is to grow in it more and more and more.

NOW, I am going to go pray myself to sleep. I am very tired but the enemy is prowling again and it is time to arrest him in his evil tracks.

I love the Spirit of God so much. And in 15 hours He and I will begin the journey home—new and changed.

I praise the Lord for His wonderful love for me.

I left my legacy at North Hollywood First Assembly—it is stuck under the first pew, second seat—between Terry and Cindy, where I sat every week…

Saying good bye was hard. I don’t mean saying good bye to people. I only had a few personal good byes tonight and I will be back in a month, for Pete’s sake! But saying good bye to the church was VERY hard. I worshipped up a storm, ended up on my face and cherished every second, knowing I may not dance again until I step foot back here. I MAY, but I may not—that is a fact.

Pastor Dan preached tonight and it was good—it was my heart—my on fire passion for God. A loose cannon, he said, when we pray for others. Woo hoo! I yelled. I saw Cindy smile. That is me, right now—a loose cannon—in the best way—and I am ready.

After worship Pastor Darrell called me up to pray for me It was very nice and rather unexpected since I never really plugged in in a way that others knew me as a serious part. I appreciated his prayer too—it was for the usual, travel safety and all that—and for me to find a place to live—and for THE church God has for me. But as he prayed he thanked God for His work even when I was unsure or confused or didn’t know if I missed Him or not. I appreciated it because it was just real. No pretending.

I love this church.

After Terry left pretty quickly because she had a headache—of course I stopped and prayed for her. Give me any opportunity anywhere these days! Maybe it is not that extreme but I want it to be! The I talked to Darrell a while. I won’t likely see him again til I return. It is easy to talk to him again too. Our relationship is different, of course than mine with Terry, but I adore him. But the more sure of my identity in Christ I am, the better I operate with anyone.

And then I started to leave—and I went upstairs to the sanctuary. And then I sat in my pew and the sobs came. Some people teased me earlier, “oh, no you don’t—you wanted to claw your way out of here.” True—but these are the people who do not know the amazing work of the Lord. If they did they also would understand that in some ways I am torn. I love my church, but my home is in Texas and it is hard. For all the ups and downs and wanting to be here then wanting out, once the dust settled and the Word of God became clear, two things stood certain. Texas is home and NHFA is church. That is not an easy thing to reconcile, but I know God must have an answer.

I sat crying at the pew and then went o the altar and knelt—still crying to God and laying my life at His feet. All of it. When I lay down my tambourine after the last up tempo song tonight I looked at it laying there, realizing it might be a while before I ever leap around with it again. But I was thankful—Pastor Dan did the BEST tambourine songs and I played the patterns and danced up a storm while I could.

Then as I stood in the sanctuary and went through a lot of “Dance with Me” just silently. Finally I did grand jetes across the sanctuary. And then I went to my bag. In my journal were stickers I use to put on cards and stuff. I found a new sheet that had pink ballet slippers on it. On the adhesive side I wrote my name and the date. The I stuck it right under where I sit every week, on the fabric part of the underside so it would easily come off and not hurt the pew. My dancing feet will stay at NHFA even if my dances are alone for a while.

The odd thing I can’t explain, though, is that even though I have no clue where I might go to church and am accepting that dancing might be on hold, I can’t help feeling it is NOT going to be gone for long.

The other thing that is not going anywhere is prayer. I have known that calling to intercession has been in me from the day I first prayed with Robin, I think, but now I know that it is time to live in it—I think God is saying NOW. There are many ideas tossing themselves about in my mind and when I capture the right one, the God one, I will act. But it is time and that I DO know. The great thing about prayer is that you can do it anywhere with anyone at any time. I can’t wait to see what God does with this.

Terry told me both weekends are okay in January so I get to just pick one. Having Fridays off makes it really easy to plan a trip and not even ask for a day off. So I will leave on a Thursday evening or early Friday and come back Sunday night late. But it helps knowing I can come back in a month. I am shooting for last weekend because that will give me time to settle and then less time between that trip and spring break.

I wonder how many people have a church that is 1500 miles from them. Just call me eccentric.

I think I have decided to drive I-40 going home. It came to me this morning and checked the weather. It will be VERY cold but no precipitation is predicted along the whole route. It is hilly, but not that bad. It is prettier and nicer. There is even better cell service along that way. But the most important reason is spiritual.

When I started this blog I began my road trip to California on Interstate 40. And now I am going home. I suspect that the very interstate itself will spark some thought that will lead to a neat time with the Lord. I have great expectations for what God is going to speak even as I drive (whichever route that may be). I think it is somehow appropriate to drive home the same way this whole adventure began. Even though I drove home from California in March and have been back again in the car, each other time was on I-10 and 20. I have not been the I-40 route since I drove out here the first time. So I prayed, then I cancelled all my I-10 and I-20 reservations for hotels and booked I-40 reservations.

And then the cool part is my Shachah friend Beverly lives in Norman, Oklahoma so I will get to stop and have a late lunch with her since I go right through there. I am getting excited. It will also be very pretty—I am sure the mountains are snow-covered by now. The forecast one night is around 15 degrees. But with no rain or snow and my car being heated as well as the hotels, I don’t mind at all. I was able to book a couple decent hotels so that is nice. I am getting excited to be have to have that time with God. I am in a season now of hearing Him so much anyway and I KNOW He is going to speak more. I wear out a bit on really long drives, but doing it over three days will help and so will the fact that it is a weekend and I can talk on the phone a lot for free.

It is Wednesday. This will be my last night at church for over a month. I hate that, but I can’t wait to go. I will likely shut the place down tonight. Tomorrow is my last full day of work. It is happening fast now, but there was a day it wasn’t fast enough. I am so incredibly in awe of what God has done and is doing that it is also beyond what my mind can comprehend.

That’s my Daddy!

I am on vacation.

That is how it is now—being with people, eating fast food every day, being too busy to stop and think, even the morning bagel off the freeway onramp says vacation. And Friday the trip ends.

You know what? It was never home . It feels like a vacation—in many ways it was a BAD vacation for a while but it was never home. And now I am leaving. And tonight Terry and I stood in the parking lot at church and looked at her calendar—just like we used to. My next trip should be in January—late month. Then the first weekend of March when a Shachah conference is in San Diego and then will come up here for church and a few days visit. After that who knows… Easter? Probably when school is out and before summer classes begin. I told some people tonight I will be here so much that I will be more like one of those people who just doesn’t come every week.

This is my church. I LOVE this place. It is starting to hit me that I am leaving a church I love like I couldn’t imagine. And I have to stop the thoughts. The sadness is that intense. This is a special place. Yet I know it is right to leave. I know I am truly going HOME. I have no doubts about moving. I have no doubts about the job I accepted. Dr. Hayes wrote yesterday that HIS job WAS full time as he expected and he was still pushing a bit since mine is only guaranteed for a semester. But I have a perfect peace and a joyful excitement, But I love this church so much and don’t know how to live without it but I can’t stay here and live with it.

This afternoon I went straight from work to church to meet Cindy. Then I went home with her and Pastor Dan came home. We ate pizza and had a great time. I thanked Cindy for her invitation to stay the weekend but said I was going to go as planned. She said anytime I wanted to come back I could—so I have two homes in Los Angeles now—and both are my pastors. That is nice. I would still prefer to be with Terry. It is only with staying with someone that you can sit up half the night talking about God and worshipping Him. I love our spiritual heart connection. It is special, and these visits will be my rest and refreshing the Lord gives me; I really believe that. When I stop and think about the love I have for these people, all of them, I just cry. I am not sure WHY it can’t work, but I know that as much as I love it, it is not my primary place.

We went back to the church tonight to get my car when they had worship/choir practice. I ended up staying. I have not sung in so long. I rehearsed their Sunday song and it was so much fun. Cindy turned and said “you have a good ear. You sound really good. You should sing when you are not dancing.” How nice that made me feel. I still miss it. And then I looked at her and said where I was headed a church I attend might ONLY have singing and not dancing. I can hardly imagine. I could go from complete freedom to not being able to move. What a scary thought. Frequent flier miles here I come!

Right now my gut is filled with emotion like I can’t explain. I am not letting it out yet. I might peek at some of it when Terry and I are together Thursday night. Our last time to sit and pray for a while--and I know that will trigger it. But I think in some ways I need to wait until I am back with Robin and safe and have that spiritual connection that is solid because it is way harder than I expected to leave. I feel that same grief I felt back in March when I had to go home on a Sunday when they were at church and then all this began. If all goes as planned, this Sunday I will wake up in Midland, Texas. I won’t lie; It scares me to not be connected with this church . I know I could stay through Sunday, but then I will go through it next week. It will only be prolonged. Why my church is 1500 miles from my home, I can’t understand, but it is. And the thought makes my heart ache.

I try to think analytically, almost play those mind games with myself—I dare to allow myself to wonder if I wish I could stay. I consciously let myself think, what if I did NOT go home Friday? But even when I start to think that way, it doesn’t work. I KNOW I am doing the right thing. I had to come, but I have to go. It makes no logical sense, and some people may never understand it. But I know. But I guess I never figured I would love the church so much and yet have to say good bye. I figured the good bye would be without such a great level of love. I am not sure yet how to align all these feelings into one stable person. It is like I told Terry tonight: God has done a major overhaul in me. I mean, it is SERIOUS. It is not just about the breakthrough in November that changed everything. It is about me and my character and who He has made me to be. I am not the same person I came here as. Dare I say I leave even FREER, but more grown up. I am a mass of emotion—most of it is good, but it is just hard. It is like saying good bye to your family. These are people who will scale mountains to help you.

But then none of this has ever been about location anyway. So I will move to the next phase in this and visit my home church as much as I can. I will dance there if nowhere else. And I will always love these people, who are some of the truest and most sincere Christians I have known in my lifetime of being in churches. It is not that I am saying anything negative about my other churches, but just that this place is so unique. I love its reality. Sunday morning Pastor Darrell was finishing his sermon and a drunk man walked right down front. They knew him, and PD called Pastor Dan down from the keyboard because he knows the man. And Pastor Dan gently talked to him and asked if he had come to see him. And Cindy picked right up and went along. And there we are having an altar call while a drunk man is telling at an usher to get his hands off him and Pastor Dan is talking to him like he is his old buddy. It was awesome because no one called some strong guy to remove him or something but just good old Pastor Dan who took him out to talk and pray with the guy. Meanwhile Pastor Darrell, right after church gathered up a couple young adults to drive a homeless young lady to a shelter and gave her money. This is REALITY in the spiritual world, and I LOVE it.

I am not saying I will never come back here, but I know the circumstances would have to be different. I would probably have to be married or working within a ministry. Los Angeles is too hard of a place to be single and functioning the majority of your time in the world without daily spiritual support It is harsh, cold and unfriendly. The church is awesome but you can’t be there 7 days a week. So maybe that is it. Sometimes I wonder if I will come back.

No matter what I will never regret coming. To see what the Lord has done is worth every teardrop. It is that incredible. I still can’t write it. It is too personal to share. Cindy and I never got to really talk today and so I didn’t get to tell her and she told me to write it down. I told her I might just tell her when I come back next month because it was too hard to even write down yet. I am not ready. Someday, I know. It is an awesome testimony of healing, growth and reconciliation—as well as the amazing power of the love of God. But the greatest testimony comes at the greatest cost.

A lot of people at work have been saying good bye and are so excited about my new job. Some people, especially kids, will ask me specifically why I am leaving. I tell them it is personal. But when I tell people about what I am going to be doing they are amazed—and I tell them I am the most blessed woman alive. And then I say how amazing it is that what started out so tragic is turning out so well. And it is like what a kid asked me yesterday when he or she asked if someone was dying. I answered truthfully when I said for a while it looked like it might be life or death but now it was getting better.

I am a dramatic sort of person and very emotion driven, but I do not exaggerate when I say my own life was at stake. Perhaps not my physical life. Perhaps I would have lived to be 90 even if this had not gotten better. But my life was at stake, and this almost cost me life as I know it. It almost cost me a great measure of my spiritual life and perhaps even my emotional life and stability. That is how serious it was. Perhaps that is why I am more in love with God than ever now.

Today in class I was trying to teach my loud but fun 6th period freshmen. They would not listen and I refuse to talk over them, so I get quiet sometimes when they do that. So I did that today and sat there. Of course they were saying “Shhh! Miss Tyrrell is waiting” and all that that kids say. And I sat there staring off into space with a dopey smile on my face. And then I closed my eyes because what I was seeing was making me want shut everything else out. I was back in my dance—yes there it was again “Dance with Me” in my mind and I saw it. Those kids were yapping way and I was lost with Jesus. And I wished they would have talked forever! Eventually I came back form the heavenlies and taught them, but it was a pretty awesome moment. They happen all the time now and have been since November 21. I have had a true life saving, life alerting miracle.

I will never be the same again.

There is no feeling as great as when you know you are consumed by the Spirit—no worship is better, no prayer means more, no sermon comes more alive. Diana commented that she watched me as I danced today I “had some moves.” Any move I had was the Spirit in me. What anointing is in that worship anyway, but when you are under the anointing yourself, it is awesome.

When will I play a tambourine on a Sunday in church again? When will I fly across the floor? Today I used TWO 9X9 streamers. I had my Elegant Grace anyway, and then we sang “Let it Rain” and I saw Terry’s Purity streamer nearby. I grabbed it and I danced the rain of the Spirit. Today I was especially dancing it for one person that I wanted the Lord to minister to. It was truly intercessory worship much of the time. But it was just awesome anyway.

It may be a long time. It may be February when I get back here—or it could be in a month as I settle. But for now I don’t know. I am okay though. In fact I came to terms with that last night with the Lord.

After the planned worship Pastor Darrell led us in “We fall down/ We lay our crowns/ at your feet/ Lord Jesus…” It was so appropriate for me after the talk I had with God only last night. I knelt with my streamers under me. The tambourine lay in front of me. And I worshipped the Lord. I cried a little, knowing what was in my own heart. And then I looked up at the trio of crosses that sit in the old choir loft. A light illuminates the center one projecting a large shadow of a cross. And suddenly realized it looked like the cross in my vision—same size and height and angle. I was in a different area during worship—over slightly to the left. In fact it was very interesting. A whole front section was open where there is never space. I mean it obliviously had to be a lot if I could dance in the front with two 9X9 streamers. I somehow felt that space was for me today. I didn’t take it for granted.

Cindy offered to let me stay the weekend with her and Pastor Dan so I could leave after church next Sunday as I had thought I would before—but I think I am going to go ahead and stick with my schedule. I am not positive and told her I would tell her Tuesday when we get together, but I am okay. I liked ending on a normal Sunday without all the holiday fancy. It seems like a good farewell Sunday. It will never be good bye. This church is home. And because of the great lesson I learned here it will always be key in my life and spiritual development. I see through new eyes all because of a semester in my old church.

Terry and I laughed when we had to look at each other as part of a sermon illustration when the pastor does that “say to your neighbor thing” and it was about God loving us in regards to what he was saying. We high-fived each other. “Didn’t we just go through this the other night?” I said. And she said “yes” with a smile. In Sunday school she looked at me as she was making introductions. She said “And my friend Susan… I could dedicate a whole hour to her… but today is her last Sunday…” And she went on to say I was going to Texas to be a college professor (that is kind of the joke—teaching full time does not make you a professor , but it is still cool!). Country piped in “What’s she gonna teach them? Dance?” And Terry said “No, but she will dance as she is teaching them.” But the look Terry had even when she said she could dedicate an hour on me was like the one in church. This semester has bonded us in a new way. She commented the other night about how very much she loves me and said I can’t even understand how much she loves me. I don’t really get it and I am not sure I was supposed to anyway, but what isn’t said right now is so full in our hearts—I can see it. She wants to anoint me before I leave. We will come back to the guesthouse Thursday after we load the U-haul and pray and do it then I guess. I am not even totally sure what that is about—she just said that the other night and all I know is even if don’t understand it all, I receive it openly. My attitude toward anything of God is YES and AMEN. Do it now, Lord, I want everything You have.

After church I went to a Christmas party and Diana and William’s. That was lots of fun too. It was the same group—the pastors and a few others. It was really nice and I just got home a few minutes ago. I am sleepy but beaming. This isn’t just a high—God is doing something.

The revelation is still coming. All of the things attached to what has happened are growing. The Lord is continuing to speak to me in this area, on this theme, and I am trying to write it down and absorb it. Terry always talks about a purpose and that is right—there is one here and I know that. I am so excited to see what God is going to do. What happened here that was bad in my mind CAN’T happen again—not unless I decide to let it. It is all up to me. So I am free.

Well, Jenna will be here soon so we can go eat, so I better wrap this up. One more week of work in one of my least favorite jobs, but that is okay. And this week will be a wind down. Yes, I have to show up five days, but my heart is in the heavenlies.

I am moved out now. It is Saturday night and the only thing remaining in my apartment on California Boulevard in Pasadena is my vacuum cleaner. I will get that Monday when I check my mail and turn in the key. The scary part is not that; it is that I have a lot of stuff despite getting rid of so much. When you are a reader and English teacher, you acquire things that take up space—books, papers, etc. Then when you add dancer to that you acquire more—dance books, costumes, etc. I am not sure what is going to fit. I got my trailer hitch today and found out I can actually rent a 5X8 trailer for a hitch my size, but that is still not that big. At first I was delighted with how much room it had—then I saw how much I had that I had not even moved. We will see. If worst comes to worst, it will stay at Terry’s and I will rent another small trailer at spring break and bring it all back. It won’t be the end of the world.

I found an adapter, so I have internet here. Should have known right! I can’t hang on it all the time of course, but it helps. The house is filled with stuff—so is my car—and I took more to storage. Gasp! Tomorrow is church and I can’t wait. I hate that it is my last Sunday even though I am ready to be in Texas.

I slept SO well last night—in fact I think it helped really heal my cough too. I have coughed some today but only after strenuous activity—and it is much looser and better. I am so glad. Darrell and Terry’s house is one of the most peaceful places I know in the world. I love it there.

I have been thinking a lot about what Terry said last night regarding me and ministry. I think what she said is right but I hold me back in that realm. But she is right—it is in me. It was very validating to hear. She said what she did because she SAW it in me, not because I told her. I think that very moment was a God thing.

Telling Terry last night was so good. Today I found myself in that same place I returned from my weekend of revelation in. In fact it was funny. While my hitch was being installed I went to Burger King for lunch. I walked down the street half a mile or so. I know the neighborhood well. I used to live in it—and I used to walk Lankershim Boulevard often. It was a funny feeling to be walking it again in a different way. I got lunch and sat down in a booth with a newspaper. I started to thank God for my food and the Holy Spirit came over me right there in Burger King. It was almost funny. There I was head bowed, praying in the Spirit in a fast food joint in a lower class neighborhood in North Hollywood. No one had a clue and I was in the heavenlies. It was wild! But I loved it. It is in me. I want it to come out. I want it to be safe for it to come out Again, I say, I want a greater measure of the Holy Spirit. I desperately hunger for that!

Well, I have internet here but the only three pronged plugs are in the bathroom and my old laptop is on its dying legs. It won’t hold a charge. As soon as I get back one of my first purchase is a new laptop for work so I have to hold out for now, but I can’t keep writing too long. I am going to either read, write or pray—or a combination therein—and go to sleep. It is early but I want a good night’s rest. Ideally I will run to my storage place before church and come back and have a bagel with Belma before we head off to church. She is being very gracious. But she nailed it on the head. I had come home tonight and she came out to the guesthouse.

“Would you like any supper or anything?” she asked.

“Oh, no thanks,” I said. “I picked up a sandwich.”

“My, aren’t we independent?” She asked.

“Yes,” I said “Too much so.”

Yikes. I am not used to being taken care of . Sometimes I am not good at it either! It is nice to be cared about—but I don’t always know how to receive it.

One of many changes. I see the future. I don’t know what is going to happen but I know this is all related. The day after Robin and I had our prayer-fest in Texas, I was praying in the Spirit the next morning. I saw something as I prayed—and felt I knew what I was praying. And last night after my talk with Terry and my reflecting on that, I remembered it again. It was a simple thought but I felt it so strongly—and I think it was a picture of the future-and a door to it opening.

I am ready to walk through.

I came home from work to find my electricity turned off. Oh yeah, it is Friday. I guess I thought David, the renter, would probably have turned it on, but I was wrong. Thus I was in the dark. No computer, no light. UGH! I frantically called Terry--who I had plans with in a while-to see if I could sleep at her place. Belma was not home and I had just told her I would be there tomorrow. So here I am at Terry’s. She and Darrell and DJ went to a late movie. And I am savoring my last night (although I will have internet at work) at the computer in a week… yikes!

I have now shared in details what God has done three times--to Robin first, then Darrell, and now Terry. But there is no doubt this was the most significant simply because of her involvement in it. It was really an awesome time and awesome talk. We ended sharing communion, which was the most significant of all.

She believes God brought me here to teach me the very thing I learned so I could have that for the ministry He has for me--whatever that is. I suppose, despite all the great things I see the Lord has done, I am a bit ministry gun shy. And I can’t say with as much certainty as she can that God brought me here for this--though I know it was His desire to accomplish this (so maybe it is semantics), but it was still pretty awesome. It was so interesting to hear her take on things. And I know that is why she believes as she does: because of what she has seen on her side of it all. Since God gave HER clear instructions during these months I think it is easier for her, seeing both sides, to see God’s future plan. I am just excited there is a future!

She truly delighted in it and saw it as awesome as I knew she would. I am not ready to share it with eveyrone. It is truly a pearls-before-swine situation--I think this is one where I must be led by God. It is not a testimony to the masses deal like some things are. But that is okay, when the time is right I will know. But it is revelation for sure. And I think I know it even moreso because of things that have happened in the last week or two even. I have had opportunity to live it out and it is HARD. This very day I was praying up a storm of pleading to God to make His word alive in this area--but as I stepped out in faith He did it. And how can it be real if the practice cannot be played out?

Tonight, I sit entertaining thoughts of moving. Where am I going to live? I think I know. But church is the mystery. I want to do what God wants. I think many times He lets us make our own decisions but I need to pray before I decide He is doing that. I have a few options, but only one seems easy. I won’t really be near anywhere logical to attend.

Terry saw my heart last week.

It was a ministry time at church and people needed prayer and Darrell had us just go lay hands on people. Terry and I ended up at the same person--there were only four and only two were ladies--and still high on the word of God in me and the passion for prayer that has been rebirthed--I was praying from my heart, I FELT that prayer--it was all over me. But I was kneeling beside the lady and not praying very loudly because someone else really was. But tonight Terry told me she happened to open her eyes for a second and saw me praying for her and saw my “heart of intercession.” I had no idea, but she really nailed it. She had some insight there. For now I take it with a grain of salt--I like what she said, but I want to be careful.

She thinks the things I admire so in her--the passion to pray for anyone at anytime--are because I have that anointing in me and she wants to anoint me to go forth also in a “double way.” That is what she says. I don’t know. I know I believe it. I know what she says is my heart. It HAS been my heart. From the day I discovered the power of agreeing prayer I have wondered why we always pray FOR people and not WITH them. But Terry was the first person knew who always stopped and prayed with them. I mean, it is absolutely epidemic! Yesterday even when I called to tell her of the job, she was so excited and then the next thing out of her mouth was “let’s thank Him.” We didn’t talk ABOUT what God did--we instantly stopped to thank HIM for doing it. I think God is so honored by that. But I am ashamed to say I do not take the initiative that way. But I am trying harder and committing more. It is not as automatic--I have to force myself. But today I did. My educational assistant always asks me to pray fro her and her husband. She is a sweet older Hispanic lady who admires my faith (that had to be God since I was such a mess so much of the year!) and today I bit the bullet as she shared and said “let me just pray for you now.” We were on a break and the kids came in even as we were praying. But man, quick as it was, her eyes welled up with tears. “Thank you so much,” she cried. That simple act had touched her heart like no words of comfort could. Why does that surprise me? The very thing changed my life.

I believe--I don’t have a word or anything solid, but I believe--that whatever is about to change in my future it will involve intercessory prayer in a POWERFUL fashion. How the heck that is going to happen in deep northeast Texas is beyond me--but it is in me and has been since Nov. 21. And it is growing.

What Terry said to me regarding prayer was very encouraging. And it seems to me that what has happened in the past few weeks is no accident in how prayer has been integral just as it was six years ago. I shared with Terry how some of the very revelation came on the same interstate highway in Texas as some of the first one six years ago. But this time I was going the opposite direction farther down. I think that is metaphorical for now--I am in a similar area but in the same direction farther down. It won’t be the same way prayer was involved last time or the same place or even the same people--but it will be the same power--in a greater measure.

Meanwhile I plan the next road trip--the trip home. I decided to take off early next Friday. I can’t get on the freeway at rush hour with a trailer. So I asked to leave at lunch. Rae will drive me here to get my car and trailer and I will get on the road by 2 or so. I will either drive to Phoenix or Tucson--I won’t know till I get a feel of driving with the trailer. I will be on flat land so I should be able to coast, but we will see. I imagine day two I will drive to Midland or Odessa. Then on Sunday I will trek the final 7-8 hours home to Quitman.

Quitman is home. Crazy as that sounds. Wild as that seems. Quitman is where I grew up and became whole. It is home. And people are surprised because I claimed to hate it--but I don’t. I hated how I left--Sue--Chadwick--the vocal issues. I left when I had nothing left. I return alive with everything. He is my all in all and so I don’t need anything.

I am reenrolled in graduate school journalism classes for my job. I am excited about that. Meanwhile I am hoping to go shopping before I go home. I have little appropriate to wear to teach college. To be a professional on that campus at my stature and appearance, I must really dress up. So I want to hit Macy’s and other stores here in LA where the selection is wider. Lots of changes for this job. Miss Internet is finally going high speed too! I have to for my online class (and of course, that makes it tax deductible!) I am so excited about the job and hope it DOES turn permanent. But I am ALSO excited about the commute! That is a God thing. Period. But I can’t wait.

I have to go to bed for now. I had a great night but after two nights of scarcely sleeping I am wiped out. Tomorrow I get a trailer hitch on my car, finish moving out of my apartment totally, pick up boxes, a prescription, etc. and generally get things together.

Tonight I bask in Him and sleep in peace.

This is simply a copy of the letter I sent all the people praying and people back "home."

Finally the verdict—8 days before I pull out of California! Some of you may know none of this, some know parts of the story and a few know it all. Those who know it all know that in the end this California adventure was more exciting than Disney’s theme park of the same name with as many ups and downs as a roller coaster—but you also know that in one semester I have learned a lifetime of knowledge. I am coming back to Texas, but it is all good. I might not have said that a few months ago but God is a redeemer and such redemption has taken place that I don’t believe I would ever trade this semester. I can’t say I thought California was forever, but I certainly did not expect it to be what it was. But I return stronger and better than I left. I guess that is what matters, right! Anyway, in the end, I was willing to stay or go and to that end had applied for other jobs here (one thing that did not change was my feeling on California public schools! Oh, no!) as well as there. At one point I had options in three places, here in LA (where tearing myself away from this church is HARD—thus ensuring my frequent flier account will say supplied with miles), near Houston with my old boss, and where I am ultimately ending up.

So what is the verdict? Of all places East Texas! I actually will not LIVE there, but I will work there. I am not SURE where I will live yet—I will be taking some college classes for my new job, also so I cannot live up there because I am too far from everything else—I need to be closer to Dallas or Tyler (also for the airport and Shachah!)

Anyway, after almost 5 years in public schools I am graduating! Ha ! Seriously, I will be teaching college. I have been appointed to a full time interim contract to teach both college English and journalism. Yes, interim—for NOW it is a temporary semester-long job—HOWEVER, the expectation is that it will be posted as a full time position and I should be able to retain it. No promises there, of course but that is the hope.

I have been credited for my years of public school experience as well as my part-time teaching experience at the school, and my base salary plus a stipend for teaching and overload class as well as journalism stipend mean my pay there in east Texas is more than I would make in a city like Dallas or Houston and not much less than I make here, with less deductions and much lower cost of living.

I don’t want to write an endless letter here, but I want to make this very clear. When I interview I did not even KNOW of the journalism aspect. I am not technically qualified to teach college journalism but they are in a desperate situation and because is not full time journalism they can appoint me and I will be obtaining graduate hours in journalism in my off hours so I can, hopefully, step into this position permanently. My interview went very well, but I had no idea I said the magic worked when I said journalism. Dome of you know my greatest job sadness was that I found I MISSED journalism and the interaction with the students and the field itself. I was seeking other high school jobs that involved journalism but never in my wildest dreams expected to be offered a full time college job teaching both English and journalism—and running a college newspaper. And this is at a place I have worked for years and am known, liked and have great favor already from the faculty and staff.

If I have not said it clearly enough, I will leave you all with this familiar verse that is the great expression of my heart:

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:20—NKJ)

And I have to say the Message Bible sums it up even better in my current mindset:

God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Ephesians 3:20—The Message)

Just got home from church and ate dinner—the rest of my El Pollo Loco. My apartment is rather bare. I pilfered through a storage container to find an old oatmeal raisin granola bar for dessert to dissipate the salsa remains. I had a GREAT time at church—I danced a LOT! That is, of course, notable because yesterday I could not generally complete a paragraph without coughing. Yes, there is the occasional cough, but no one could doubt God touched it. I banged my tambourine and later danced passionately on two songs I adore. My mouth got dry, and a couple times I coughed a bit but nothing bad at all. It was wonderful—and so then I was spiritually feeling so wonderful because I could SEE how much God touched it! And then Pastor Darrell prayed and was praying about us wanting more of the Spirit and the more healthy I get the more I am back to last week and that whole thing so I was crying out and it was just generally a great time. His word was good—and the people too. It is hard to leave this church. Genuinely it is. But I have nothing in me saying I SHOULD stay. Not really. Did God send me here or not? That might remain forever a mystery BUT I will say this, His PURPOSE for me here certainly included my learning the lesson I learned. It is powerful and it has power to after people. In some ways it is still too raw for me to just share. I would not yet be ready to share it in a group for example, but I think one day I will because the power and application in it is great. It is a concept we HEAR and HEAR in the church but until it is played out in your life and almost RUINS it you don’t know the power. I will never regret coming here.

Mindy emailed—the schedule for me has been approved by the VP of Academic Affairs and the memo is on the president’s desk; they are supposed to meet tomorrow. So perhaps 8 days before, I will know. Meanwhile my landlord called and said if I want to let David move in Sunday I can pass on the keys—take pictures of the place in case David changes it before he sees it Monday,and call him Monday to find out about the deposit. I am confident it will be returned to me—especially since I did not have it painted—and David doesn’t even want it painted or cleaned so the fact is, they didn’t lose a penny on it so they will return my pennies—they won’t invest a cent to repair it. Works for me. That was a huge deposit--$1000. Therefore, I should have move in expenses. And in East Texas that is double what I need.

I was really thinking about what God has for me SPIRITUALLY if I return. I know that if it is, indeed, this job that the schedule I have is for spiritual reasons and not so I can kick back. I know that in my spirit and I know it because of my life 6 years ago on a similar schedule. That was the biggest reason I wanted this job. I remember praying about it on my way to San Diego even. Ironically, it is the most spiritually dry place I can imagine and how can one short little tambourine banging dancing woman, breath life into a place? That is almost laughable. But I know it is spiritual.

Anyway, I better head toward the bed. Another long day tomorrow as I get up early, work and then Jenna comes at 8—late for me to get started, but it will be nice—and it will force me to work!!! I will transfer much to Belma’s tomorrow—everything except what I need for one, maybe two nights. Then Friday I will only go home after work to change before heading to Terry’s—dirty laundry in tow! And I am sure that will be a late night—but an awesome one. Saturday will be it—the last day here. I am going to wake up Sunday morning at Belma’s—without email (who wants to start waging bets on if I go into work for the first time EVER on a weekend!) You will know if any of you get email from me on Sunday.

Okay okay, I must go to sleep—so thankful I am better!

“Every good and perfect gift comes from above”—the Bible—some verse, I think in Romans, I am too lazy to look up at 10:20!

Last night right when I got into bed (currently the couch!), I started hacking yet again. I figured after talking to Robin on the phone and then Pastor Darrel, plus teaching all day, I had aggravated it even more. But I wanted to go to sleep. I had taken cough medicine (strong prescription stuff I have been on since the flu hit), but it didn’t work. I took ANOTHER dose. I figured I had a tolerance by now so I would up it. I wanted to just sleep.

Finally I got MAD. I sat up and prayed. I prayed so furiously that I aggravated it even more, but I didn’t care. I don’t even know how long I prayed but I believed and I was mad. I wanted the hacking to stop. I didn’t even mind a bit of stuffy nose and the occasional cough but I can’t STAND hacking—not in me or even the sound in other people. I absolutely hate it. So I prayed and already and prayed. And then I closed my eyes again.

I woke up at least three times in the night hacking—I actually slept worse after praying so hard than I did the other nights since I got sick 6 days ago. I was starting to have visions of driving to Texas, towing a trailer, hacking all the way. The CNN.com top story was the flu outbreak and its severity.

When I woke up, I didn’t dare speak. That makes it worse. Each morning I have woken up coughing the “good” way, where it was doing something and not just hacking but then it would turn dry and hacking, almost convulsive. Today was the same, only I was sore. My ribs hurt. That reminded me of couple years ago when I seemed to have bruised a rib with so much coughing. My throat hurt. And it as also frustrating because it is very hard for me to pray silently. I love to pray aloud. Even alone it helps me focus.

After little sleep I was exhausted and sore and frustrated. I was still thanking God for stopping the hacking, but felt terrible. I wanted to ENJOY my last few days. I thought I might have to call my doctor and ask for something stronger and decided I would drive by a pharmacy I had seen near work and get its name so they could call something in if necessary and I could get it in my prep period.

I sat down to read my Bible and I decided I was tired of this, and I wasn’t giving up. I started reading the Word out loud—just some Psalms I was reading, and that ended up being powerful and I didn’t care if it made me cough because I wanted to pray out loud. So I went for that to specific healing Scriptures—same ones I had been praying. And I read those too. And I sat there and had a wonderful time finally praying out loud again.

But it was in my early morning meeting that I saw that while I had the occasional cough, it was the person behind me hacking! Even after the morning the coughing I was doing was the good kind, not the dry convulsive kind. I was singing as I drove, talking to my classes and I had to cough once or twice here and there but that was it!

While it has flared up a bit moving boxes and running up and down stairs, it is different. It is not all gone, but I KNOW God touched. So there I was, high all day long on that passionate praying.

I can have whole conversations and teach whole increments of lessons hack free. I praise God because, no joke, this stuff is BAD and can longer and HAS in me. In fact my last year’s coughing went on fro a long time until the Lord touched that one night at church.

I have not had medicine at ALL since 6 a.m. and it is 6 p.m. And that is what I prayed—no hacking—just let me be free and let me go to church and be free to dance. I have three times left and I want to enjoy worshipping without the agony.

At least I THINK I have three times left—it is Wednesday and no call yet form the college, but I did get a call from an employer in Los Angels who saw my resume on monster.com. I am sure it is the foil, but I have to admit as far as being CERTAIN, it is still in God’s hands.

Meanwhile, I am typing this on my living room floor—the only things not out of here are my computer and the clothes, etc I need for daily living. In fact I already took most of my clothes to Belma’s and realized last night I didn’t know what I was wearing to work today and tonight I am in the same situation. I have stuff, but it is funny. But you know what else? It is FUN! I love eating take out on the floor and rummaging through my fridge fro something edible. I wouldn’t want to do it for a long time, but right now it actually feels kind of free. I have not been this free in a long time. I was not free before I moved because I was married to the idea of moving. Now I pretty much know where I am going and possibly the general location where I will live, but even that is not certain. And on top of that I am not SURE where I will live and the big mystery is church. Not a CLUE. But I am starting to think it is nowhere I know now.

Well, it is 6:15 and I have to throw on clothes and get to church soon. As soon as I pulled up from work, Randy came down the street the there way in his red Eclipse. Being a man, we got RIGHT to work. I had not had a drink in a while or even a real lunch (nutrition bar and apple at 1) and was so hungry. But to work we went. We loaded the rest of the storage stuff in my car and his and drove off to Sunland and unloaded it. The rest I will get alone or Jenna will help me with—not much really. Then he went his way and I grabbed dinner (El Pollo Loco—last night was the wonderful Italian Fisherman). Right now it is fun—when I return to East Texas (if I do) I am determined to begin running again—that is the only place I ever loved it. I need my trees and nature trails and lakes and cows.

Thank God I‘m a country girl.

I wonder if bachelors blog. I say this because I am living like one—in my big apartment with a sofa I sleep on, old food in the fridge, and a computer on the floor. It makes for difficult blogging!

I guess you don’t just eat pizza and chocolate for sadness. Sometimes you eat it after a great talk with your pastor and when you have not had a solid meal in days.

I am still hacking, and I hate it—but it is better. Darrell learned to pause between coughing spells as he shared. It was funny. But mostly it was good and I told him the whole story. I think that said a lot to him. He is a man and doesn’t express much like that but I think it had to mean a lot to him. I am glad I could tell him.

Tomorrow might be the day.

I leave in 9 days. That seems unbelievable—and officially I still don’t know where I am going.

My remaining time here is filled—work every day. Wednesday is church and Randy is helping me move more stuff to storage before church. Thursday Jenna is going to come help me. Friday is Terry. Saturday is maybe any last minute cleaning, but David might start moving in then. And I get my trailer hitch at noon. Sunday. Duh. Monday looks like Lisa, Nat and I are meeting for dinner. Tuesday is the only open day thus far—maybe Kerry? Wednesday church. Thursday I get the trailer and we load it and I park it at Darrell and Terry’s. Anyone who has been to Hoover HS knows you do NOT drive a car towing a trailer there. Some dorko put a large high school in a middle class neighborhood! Then Terry will drive me to Belma’s and someone will take me to work. Then I work Friday—Rae Etta will take me to Terry’s. If they are there I will say good bye. And then I will get out of LA before it gets dark—I am not looking forward to the towing part! Meanwhile I live on the floor, the couch, a guest house and two star hotels on either I-10 or I-40—that will likely depend on the weather. I want to go the northern route but with a trailer in winter that might not be smart. I can save it for when I drive back out. As much stuff as I still have I am afraid Thursday night we will be standing there and I will have to decide what to leave. But maybe Randy and Terry and whoever else can come will pack well.

In 6th period I have two girls I really like. They are eager to learn and very bright but also very outgoing and fun people. Today one of them said “Miss Tyrrell, I can’t believe you’re leaving—now that I finally got a good English teacher.” “Yeah! Really!” the other one echoed. It was nice to hear. The ones I thought I had somewhat connected with were sad. One almost cried. But it is not a big deal really. Still, I am glad in the end all my crankiness did not make me the wicked Susan of the West!

I am my happiest in the midst of action--when things are happening.

Or in the stillness and moments of intense peace.

I don't like the other times as much.

So my apartment is virtually without furniture. I still can’t breathe. And I may be days away from being a college professor. My life is weird.

1) Randy, Rick and Shelby from church came with a big truck and took much of my stuff to storage. They came early enough but I was so zonkered I could hardly think. I was ready then to go to bed for the evening. But it wasn’t as bad. They were strong and got it moved. There is a lot left because we didn’t have room, but Randy even offered to come back and help with that. Then we came back here and they loaded up the rest of the stuff that David, the renter, isn’t buying and filled the truck again and left. So I am sitting on the floor writing this.
2) This flu is evil. I have the icky awful cough and I think my cough syrup is bogus! I feel lousy. I really do. It is like I told Terry tonight—If I could just be healthy I think I could handle all this better. Right now I am so physically weak that it overwhelms me.
3) Mindy, from the college, called today. Long story but by week’s end I should have an offer for the full time temporary position which is likely to turn permanent. She said they really liked me. The first position went to the one already teaching there—standard—but this position is amazing because it is half English and half JOURNALISM! Indeed I may get to do a college newspaper. There are a lot of ifs—everything from preliminary temporary approval this week to graduate hours and final positions after that, but it looks positive. This possibility opens a lot of questions about where I will live and what I will do in regards to church, All I have to say to that is God can show me because I am clueless. But one definite problem I could have is that I cannot sign a one year lease. If the plans don’t pan out and I have to move on I could be in a lease nightmare again. And finding 6 month leases is harder so that is going to take some work in itself—I wish I could rent a room, a friend of a friend kind of thing until I knew. That would be prefect but I don’t know a soul who could do that. Housing could be a real beast of an issue actually because I cannot in good conscience sign a lease over 6 months and in East Texas they want a year! Yup. Lots of prayer. But for now I must sleep. It is only 8:30 but I am hacking up both lungs and feel so bad I can’t stay awake. Terry commented that I must be excited. I said I felt too bad to process it. That is true. It is exciting but I am so overwhelmed with being sick and all I have to do that I am not even on that planet. I need to be better!!!!

Raisin, date and walnut oatmeal, clementine tangerines—morning comfort food. It is 10:30 Sunday morning and I am at my computer and not in the church house—and not too happy about that! I PLANNED to go to church I set my alarm ad got up—and was hacking so bad I could hardly function. And then I knew even though I had slept the full night I needed MORE sleep. I could feel that in me too. I called Terry about bringing her dolly for Randy to use and SHE thought I should stay home. I don’t think I sounded very good. Mostly I knew I needed more sleep. So I gave up and went back to bed. I don’t think I could handle church today in my state-perhaps a quiet Baptist church on the corner, but that would still involve me getting dressed and being coherent and I am just not. Man this thing knocked me out bad.

I cannot describe how overwhelming it is to attempt to MOVE while you have the flu! I mean it is NUTS! And then of course when you get sick it is easy to lose perspective. So my mind is not holding a bunch of rational thoughts—instead I am sitting here thinking, my word, I am leaving Los Angeles in 10 days and don’t have a job! Am I NUTS! I don’t know if I have ever lived my life down to the wire like this before.

It is a fine line between trust and fear, but there is only one way I can go.

He’s still God and I’m still NOT.

It is barely midnight but still the next day has arrived. I am amazed at how a couple days ago I was totally healthy and now I can’t sit up for a whole hour! Last thing I recall before THIS nap is writing out what I needed from the store; I was going to attempt to go once it got later. Ha! I would hate to see me in a car! But I need food. I am scrounging now. I have some regular food but my body can’t handle it so I am looking for mild stuff. I want eggs so badly that I am willing to pay the 3.79 a dozen if necessary—but I am too sick to go get them. I haven’t spoke to a single person either and when I am already so weak, that is worse. I have tried to call people to pray for me but I can't reach anyone. I am like a guy when I am sick and that is not good--I need human contact! I need to just SPEAK to someone—even though I can barely speak! I am truly SICK. From the time I went to bed last night at 8:30 until 11:30 tonight—27 hours—I was asleep all but maybe 6-7 hours. That is amazing to me. I wake up, sit at the computer a bit, eat something and go right back to sleep. I don’t even need to use the bathroom much—guess my body needs all it is getting. That is a god thing because I am also on my last roll of toilet paper.

My fever hovered around 101 most of the afternoon. I thought I would enjoy lying around and reading and writing in my journal, but holding a book and getting comfortable is impossible.

So now it is midnight Saturday. I imagine that within an hour or two I will be back asleep—but I am a bit scared… If I don’t wake up healthy enough to pack and go to the store Saturday I am going to be in a bind because Sunday is absolutely the only day we can move my stuff. And I have to go on a 20 minute drive to just get the storage thing—40 minutes round trip. Right now that is NOT going to happen. IS that the most unbelievable thing? That Miss Healthy and Strong can’t drive 20 minutes or sit up for an hour?!

Speaking of which, I am losing steam sitting here—back to the couch in a minute…

I don’t say many bad things about Texas, but the incubation period for the flu is 1-4 days and I got home Tuesday and got sick Thursday. I probably picked it up at the wedding where there were so many people and a buffet and hugs and all that. The flu is a serious outbreak there, not as bad here. But apparently I brought little piece of Texas home!

I can think of happier memories.

The fun continues. My fever is still over 100 and I have basically done nothing all day but eat cereal and sleep. I just took a 3 or 4 hour nap after sleeping 11 hours last night. And I could probably go right back to sleep!

I got a little piece of Patience Testing today when I woke up to an email. But I have to wait til tomorrow to play it out. Wonder if it will make me sicker or better!

I am definitely thinking truck ran me over. I feel like one of those pathetic, flat cartoon characters.

What a fun night I had—ha! I went to bed with my annoying flu at 8:30—I mean to sleep right away. Around midnight I woke up feeling nauseas. Sometimes like in the mornings when I take vitamins but have not eaten solid food I feel that and so I have actually gotten used to it! But this was different. I got up to go to the restroom where I had left the heater on because I was freezing and shivering and just about as soon as I stood, I knew I was about to get rid of all that food. It was so awful. But then I wasn’t feeling nauseas anymore—at least it didn’t continue! So I went back to bed. Every time I woke up I would take my temperature. It actually was 102 early this morning! Last count was just over 100. I got up and thought I could go to work—I felt so much better. Then I stood up. Nope! I didn’t trust myself to drive even. I am SICK. I wish Robin were here to bring my Chocolate Cherry Bombs.

So I am missing work and losing serious money but I couldn’t go—I can’t tell you the last time I was this sick—many years ago. I am a bit concerned about packing but I guess if nothing else Randy can take the big stuff and boxes and I can just move the little stuff alone. I don’t know. All I know is that I feel so crummy I can’t believe it.

I am hoping that since I can’t do anything but sit and lay I will have a great day of reading and writing and praying. That would definitely be a redeeming quality.

The oddest pattern in my Christian life is that immediately after serious spiritual breakthroughs, I get sick. I certainly don’t think it is God who gets me sick—I have two theories. One is the obvious Christian one—that it is an attack from the enemy. But just as I started typing I think I might even buy into my other one. I wonder if all that oppression inside is finally free to come out when you are set free spiritually. What I have been through in recent months no one know the magnitude of. I knew a crash was coming but at the time I thought that meant I would get to Texas and cry for weeks. But I was delivered and healed instead—still even atheistic scientists will tell you there are chemical changes in the mind in depression, fear etc. It is almost that whole fight or flight idea and survival instincts that are inherent in our make up as humans. Thus, maybe each spiritual breakthrough is followed by a physical release. Now THAT makes sense.

Alas! I have the flu. Praise God I caught it soon enough and got right into my doctor who gave me flu medication that seriously can reduce symptoms and duration if caught in the first two days. I spent my lunch time praying. When I saw that I was not feeling better I did not analyze further—I called the doctor. When I wake up fine and feel bad midday, that is almost always how I get the flu.

I also praise God for the timing. Although I am in a work dilemma because of this, I am so thankful it wasn’t three days ago in Texas. I don’t even have kids tomorrow, just meetings so even if I go I have an easier day. There is never a convenient time to be sick, but this was probably as god as it would get. Starting next week I get busy again. I do have to pack up by Sunday and that is not convenient, but I am thankful I got to go to church last night and worship so freely and have a great time and then it didn’t even get bad til this afternoon and then if I do go tomorrow I don’t have to handle kids. The doc says I am contagious and should not go but that is a lot of money to toss. They still have my paycheck awry and so January—my last regular check—could be really low so I don’t feel comfortable messing with that. I will try. A few minutes ago when I was shivering so bad I could hardly stand it and my body was awash with aches and I stood dangerously close to the bathroom heater, I thought I might not go—but now with the heating pad on my back and the blanket over me—all drugged up—I might make it. My doc gave me a strong cough medicine so if I never have a cough develop and the aches subside I think I can do it. We will see.

So once I knew it was getting bad I called Terry because I wanted her to pray for me. She wasn’t home but Darrell picked up—and what did I do? Did I ask my kind and loving pastor to pray for me? Nope. I felt stupid and just asked when Terry would be home! Dork alert for sure! But I hung up and cried—I struggle when I am sick. Then I called Robin who also wasn’t home. Then I called Terry’s cell to leave her a message because I knew since she was busy it would be off. So I left her a message. I know I need prayer. So that helped. At the drugstore I bought all sorts of comfort food—cherry licorice bites, circus peanuts, taquitos, canned fruit, cereal and Ben and Jerry’s frozen yogurt. I did not want to have to go to a real store because I wasn’t sure how much energy I had left. I got three potent prescriptions for $10. The prescription strength Ibuprofen—which she mostly gave me because I didn’t have any at home—was FREE under my insurance because it is prescribed OTC—I thought it was $5 but it rang up as $0. Oh how will MISS being fully insured!
So here I am at 7:30 feeling a bit like death warmed over in my body but my spirit is still so alive—so half of me wants to be at a prayer meeting and the other half wants to sleep three days. It is funny. But one thing I LIKE about getting so sick after spiritual breakthroughs is not the sick part but seeing that my faith stands in the midst of it and what I know in my spirit cannot be shaken by my body that even affects my emotion.

Meanwhile in real life I almost scare myself by not being scared. In two weeks I leave here and I have no job—no words from ANYONE. I move out Sunday and have most of my stuff still unpacked and am sick with the flu. I don’t know how ANYTHING is going to work pout logistically—and here I am. All I really wanted to do tonight was go to the Christian bookstore and buy a book I read a portion of online about the Holy Spirit. Usually I am a huge worrier—I hope this is a good extreme and doesn’t mean I have lost all wisdom and sensibility! Shouldn’t I be a bit more concerned than I am! Either way tonight I am too sick to care.

If you read this please pray for me!

I am quite a sight. I just arrived at work with a double latte and a Diet Coke—my hands were so full I barely could carry my teaching stuff! It is a funny thing that I drink more coffee when I am spiritually in a good state. It is not that mysterious though. When I am operating in God the right way all I want to do is God stuff, so it is typical for me that I will stay at church late like I did last night, and then wake up early to pray like I did this morning. Sleep seems so irrelevant in the light of God!

This morning the revelation continued. It was not in the way that that it had been, but more like The Lord confirmed to me the root I saw is really true and then this morning I got a glimpse back at the past. I think I see a correlation that my times of greatest spiritual freedom are related to this same area. This is truly life changing—but the funny thing is that it is all the most simple and basic tenet of true Christianity. Not any Christian anywhere will find an element of surprise at the basic concept—but I am telling you from basic concept to personal revelation is a life changer!

Last night at church I danced like I have in the past but haven’t in a long time. I took a streamer and fewer people than usual were there. I flew to a corner and flew around the floor. For half a second I thought about what I must look like, then I figure did not care! It was wonderful. I was beaming. Worship is never long enough when I am alive in the Spirit. But I would bet it was longer than is normal.

I am making friends now that am leaving. Randy from church—who is buying a couple of things from me—just moved into a house with a couple guys and is having a housewarming Saturday and we were yapping about moving and he said I was welcome to come. And I think I am going. You know what? I will be back often enough that it is not a bad thing to have friends here. He is helping me move Sunday evening. I barely know the guy but he gathered a couple people and they are helping me move my stuff to storage. That is what kind of church I have.

It was so good to see Terry last night. I kept hugging her every time she was nearby. She is so excited for me even not knowing specifically what has happened because it is obvious. We are meeting next week to talk. I told her in advance—this is a long one—but worth every second! Darrell and I are talking Tuesday night. I wanted to be sure he knew specifically too.

Darrell gave a message last night that encouraged me more in going on deeper with God. I want more more more. I am really stuck on his idea I previously mentioned of the measure of the Holy Spirit believers have. Obviously any measure of anything is in relation to faith. But I am looking at the Scriptures and what has previously happened with people. I want a deeper measure. I am seriously and actively seeking it. I think it helps that I know the key to dwelling in His presence as well. But now I want more of the Spirit. I am in passionate pursuit.

Anyway, I am trying to un-zombie myself today at work. I have almost inhaled my latte. I have two weeks and two days of work left. I have less than a week in my apartment. And I have NO CLUE what is happening YET! I am tempted to fear, but I am really not fearful. The logical fleshly part of me says that is nuts. But whether it is faith or Interminable Hope I still hold on and know it will work. I keep checking job boards in case what I think might happen doesn’t—so many jobs are there. One just opened up in Cedar Hill yesterday. I don’t really want it because it is junior high, but Cedar Hill is minutes from Shachah and in a very nice area of Dallas and offers a good salary. Things could be worse. But I guess it is a bit difficult because I know what I want and why. Oh well; I know it will work out and I know I will be happy. I have truly learned that location is not directly relevant to spiritual life. There are places that spiritual development is more conducive to an area, but you can be thriving spiritually in the most ungodly place.

Anyway, I better get in gear. Today is the last day with kids this week. Tomorrow my new loving attitude will be put to the test as I endure my last staff development here! Recall that it was the first one that was my first clue this was not going to be a heavenly job! I will make it. I will be a light. Wherever I go I will endeavor to do that.

I am dragging a bit today and wondered why and then I realized. It happened when I was down in the office at work a bit ago. I passed Hasmik, my boss, and we were chatting briefly and she said she had not filled my position yet. I was talking to myself, and then the Lord and saying I wished she would fill it already so there is no chance they ask me to stay! Seriously that is highly unlikely anyway, but since I have submitted it all to the Lord I have told Him I would even stay HERE if I had to—but boy, that would be all God because that would be hard. BUT then it occurred to me that IF that happened it would HAVE to be the Lord and I think I would be excited. And even as I said that I felt that excitement rise up in me again. That excitement is the consuming Spirit of God that has been constantly present since the breakthough of Nov. 21.

And then I realized that I am dragging because now that all this has happened spiritually I am SO HUNGRY to plunge in and I can’t until I know where I am going! So I must say that limbo is no longer cool—I am still not demanding where I go. I am open--thouh I think I DO have a preference, but it doesn't HAVE to happen. But I think knowing is more important because I want to serve God—I want to establish relationships—I want to live completely again and I can’t make plans and stuff not knowing. So it is hard. I know I will know soon—at least I hope so! But so far it is a mystery, and so I must sit.

The good news is that I am sitting at the feet of Jesus. That makes it easier. And I am having an incredible awesome, Spirit filled time.

I am reading a new book on the Holy Spirit and last night and this morning have been reading about the MEASURE of the Spirit on people. I don’t know why I have never paid much attention to this fact before. But it is wholly biblical—and boy am I praying for an outpouring.

Let the river flow!

This is a letter I sent to Pastor Darrell, Cindy and a couple others today...

Howdy, all!

Just got in from Dallas--in fact I was trying to buy lunch at Burger King at 10 a.m. and they wanted to sell me breakfast; I found it useless to explain I woke up at 4 a.m. in Dallas, 2 a.m. here, and now at 10 it was noon and I wanted lunch! I took what they had ready.

Meanwhile I have to head off to teach two classes in a few minutes--by way of Starbucks and a TRIPLE espresso latte. BUT I had to write just a bit for now. You guys all (mostly, not all but I had a big breakthrough less than 2 weeks ago, more on that later) know before I went to Dallas I had had a breakthrough with all this stuff regarding LA and did I miss God and all that... well, that was only scratching the surface . I will explain the story later--even I can't formulate it into precise words yet, but I have had some very intense times with the Lord the last few days--some even before I left--and the God has spoken to me as clearly as I ever knew He had. I don't mean
about where to live and all that. Though I do have a sense of that but honestly I could care less right now. I mean, inside. I mean spiritual stuff-- I mean LIFE. Now I know things I have wondered about for months. I know why I came here--I can't tell you still if it as or wasn't God but I know why I came here nonetheless. I know why it went wrong for me. I know to the DETAIL why it was so bad. I know where I made the mistake. I also know why so many other things seemed to crash. In fact some of what has happened is so monumental because it was so bad, but I never shared it all with anyone because it WAS that bad. Several weeks ago I realized something very intense inside me and I knew I had to talk about it with someone because it was so severe but so important to my spiritual life. In the meantime the breakthrough of Nov. 21 came, but that breakthrough was not with an explanation. I knew I WAS better, but I don't know WHY. Back to the awful thing--I thought it was so bad it was going to tarnish everything for years to come. Saturday night Robin came to Dallas not just to hang out but specifically to minister to this area--and God really did a work then. And today--after days of spiritual intensity--today ON THE PLANE the Lord spoke so clearly to me that I literally GASPED in my seat. This was the last (so far) of 11 days of events spiritually--especially the last few. And what haunted me for months generally and then very specifically was touched--it began with some of what Robin said Saturday but today God spoke 6 words to me and that took it away forever.

It was six years ago yesterday I experienced the greatest spiritual moment of my life when I was driving to work in graduate school, had a vision of Jesus, was miraculously delivered of smoking and some other stuff, and my whole life changed forever. That had started three weeks earlier with a huge breakthrough I did not totally understand. Again this type of thing has happened--only it was only about a week before , but yesterday, on the six year anniversary, the Lord spoke and told me what it was.

It was funny, Sunday on my way to the wedding I called a good friend in Texas to chat a bit and told her I was doing so well and she asked what happened specifically. I could not answer her. I could tell her it all started with a prayer and some other details, but it almost sounded lame. Finally I said, I guessed God just showed me mercy and I responded to it. But God is usually a bit more organized than that. The next morning as I prayed--yesterday--He showed me especially WHAT had broken it. And then that started a new chain reaction. God does show us mercy, of course, but He still operates according to His principles and that is the essence of it.

I am probably not making sense. I am talking about a breakthrough of 11 days ago. Then about Saturday through today and then about the other stuff related all the way back to moving. It probably sounds like a hodgepodge of stuff! But it is all logical in my head--in my heart where the sovereign Lord has moved and changed everything. I want to write this out more clearly and I may. What a lesson. When I say huge I mean huge. Whether I leave here or not in three weeks, I leave here SERIOUSLY changed. What I have learned is invaluable. Yesterday after my interview I stopped by Robin's house--I shared with her the epiphanies just of yesterday at that time, and she looked at me and told me "This is huge, Suz." It really is. I don't know how
I can learn what I am learning now and ever live my life the same again. I can't. I want to share this in detail--it is too fresh to do so. It certainly reveals my ugliness, but in the wonderful way that reveals God's goodness. I have learned more about the character of God through this too. Nothing can top what happened to me six years ago but this comes close.

I still don't know where I am moving or what is happening. I know nothing concrete about my life. but I can't tell you the last time I had so much peace. The Lord has done it. And the part that is so amazing to me is in the end it was such a simple thing. When Robin and I were talking last night and I explained it all in detail I said that it almost didn't seem like that could be it because it is so simple. And she added that it is simple yet so deep. The power of the Cross is the simplest and deepest thing ever and I have been there (and still am!) and experienced it all over again.

Well, I would actually LIKE To write more and will probably compose a letter over several days but for now I have to try to wake up ( I AM SO SLEEPY!!!!!) and get some semi-professional clothes on because my little angels await me (-: These are two great classes. I am just sleepy and I really don't want to do anything but pray. It is a good thing everyone's ears are stuffed up on a flight because I was getting so carried away both there and back that I was sitting in my window seat whispering my prayers just to audibly speak them—praying in the Sprit on an airplane could really get you aimed for the loony bin!

So that is part one of this awesome multi-faceted story. More to come but for now I am off!

I guess you know you are doing something right when the worst the devil can do to you is spill your Cokes.

Seriously, my life has gone from serious crises to spilled Diet Cokes and as annoying as that is, I take it as a good sign! First it was the spilled Einstein Bros. Bagels large Diet Coke on the floorboard of the rental car. Later tonight it was the large Diet Coke from Sonic all over Aunty Rose’s floor. Aunty Rose’s husband seemed very mellow about the whole thing and went to get me paper towels. I resisted the urge to tell him I still had the remains of a roll in the car from today’s spill. I am staying here tomorrow night too and I didn’t want to be asked to leave!

I am kidding about that part of course, but it was really amazing. Really STUPID things have been happening today. Annoying things. Little foxes but the vine is still ripe. I suppose my funniest story of the day was when I tried to break into hotel restrooms. I left my hotel at noon and had four hours til the wedding. I was in sweats and a t-shirt. When I am require to wear things like black velvet you can count on me putting it on at the last possible second! Thus, after the paper towel run down Northwest Highway, I ended up in Market Center. Perfect, I thought—I will use the lobby bathrooms at the Holiday Inn. I have stayed there a few times is I know the hotel. I gathered my stuff into my backpack and walked in as if on my cell phone like I owned the place. The desk clerk did not blink. VICTORY, I thought-until I got to the bathroom and saw the out of order sign.

At the Fairfield Inn across the street there WERE no lobby bathrooms so I went in one door and out the back. Then came the Sheraton Suites. Had I been in a little suit no one would have been suspicious, but I was dressed down and carrying a backpack. I strolled through the lobby (no bathrooms but what can you do after having gone that far?! I kept walking). I could feel the eyes of the desk clerks and bellhops on me but I walked on as if I belonged and got right on the elevator and went to the 3rd floor. Nothing there but a maid who eyed me. I kept “talking” on the cell. Then I took the stairs down and at the ground level found the only way out was the emergency exit. Thus, I had to go down the elevator. When I stepped off I did not look up but I noted peripheral the bellhop walk toward me. I finished my pretend dialing and started in :”Hey! Where are you?” I just went to your room and you weren’t there?.. uh huh. Okay, UGH! I guess I am ten or fifteen minutes from you…” I talked myself right out the door, acting oblivious to anyone following me, but boy was that man watching me. Next time I break in to hotel restrooms I really must dress for the occasion.

Finally I drove off toward downtown. It was an hour before the wedding and I had just gotten through to Tara on the phone—and then I found a McDonald’s—those are the best places to change clothes anyway. So I changed and got there on time. But what an adventure.

The wedding was stunningly beautiful. Maxine was the perfect bride. Aunty looked incredible. Pastor Michael did a beautiful ceremony (in fact if I ever get married I want the very vows they spoke). The sisters were more beautiful than I had ever seen them and Anna and Brandi looked as beautiful. The place was filled with old friends and it was so formal and elegant. I have never seen a fancier hotel in my life. There was a formal sit down dinner and great events all through the night. Beverly and I were seated at the same table and we just really seem to have connected. She wished I would move to Norman, OK where she lives, but we realized we can get together when I get closer (if I get closer). I told her we can get together on a weekend and eat out late at night (like we did in Pennsylvania!) and on Sunday morning we can get up and instead of going to church we can just pray. She thought it sounded great too. It would be neat.

I have only one more major event—the interview for the job that seems like it would be a complete fluke if I got it, but when a college wants to interview you don’t say no. And then I go back to CA early Tuesday morning. Amazingly a part of me WANTS to go back—I miss church and I want to talk to Terry. The thing is, I had this serious breakthrough and then other than Thanksgiving have not had much opportunity to practice in it. I want to go live victoriously in LA even if it is only for three weeks.

And then I think I want to come back here. I am still not sure and don’t venture to say certainly, but yeah, I just like how I am here. I like Texas. I like northeast Texas—I really can’t say about Houston. But again I repeat—where God opens the door and my heart connects is where I go. It is not about just me and what I want. I will know—I just know I will know. I might know by elimination. If nothing comes of the other jobs and Dr Hayes still has one open, then I will know that is it for me. I mean sometimes it is just clear, you know. But even if there is a choice, I will know. My heart will know. One thing I said to Robin really makes sense. Right now in my life I am not seriously attached to anything. As much as I love Terry and Darrell and the church, I don’t even have that solid connection yet because it is too new. Meanwhile I have severed the deep emotional attachment with my old life. Therefore, it will be easier wherever I go because I am not losing one for another. When I arrive—or settle in LA in my heart—then the new attachments begin.

I am tried right now—worn out I guess. It has been busy and weddings can be exhausting, as wonderful as they are. I get to sleep in in the morning. I don’t have to leave Dallas til 11:30 or so. I will probably leave earlier but I don’t HAVE to and that is nice. No doubt I will search out a bagel again. But nothing will beat my nutty banana bagel with gingerbread cream cheese today. I hope I got my klutziness out today so I don’t trip over my feet in my interview or something! My other klutzy act of the night was when I got here to Aunty Rose’s. I parked on the street of course. At the hotel I had to use valet parking ($6—much easier to pay after LA!) so to threw everything (like my mass of paper towels and garbage) in the trunk. The after the wedding I had to take a car-full of people home so I had everything askew (we won’t talk about the smashed banana on the back floor board—courtesy of an Army guy riding in my small car! Paper towels and baby wipes are my friends!). So I stood there in the dark—no trunk light either—and was unloading my stuff onto the sidewalk in front of Aunty Rose’s and something fell. I have no ideas what fell but when I looked I realized it was not a good thing. I had parked smack in front of the drainage opening and whatever fell had fallen about 5 feet to its resting place! I couldn’t believe it—and of course I was trying to decipher what it was… athletic shoe? Journal? Cell phone? Thank God none of the above; all are accounted for. I still don’t know. I had a mini flashlight but I couldn’t really tell. Aunty Rose’s husband said we can shine a flashlight down in the morning because there is a manhole cover and if it is important there is a possibility I can retrieve it. But so far I can’t find anything missing. It is nothing valuable or special so I am okay there. But it could even be an article of clothing—my bag was not shut in the hurry of it all. I had taken it out zip it and that is when something dropped. I was hardly surprised after my craziness.

The other amusing part of the night is when the bride tossed the bouquet. It was neat because it was made up of fresh roses and the bouquet spilt apart so several beautiful roses flew out at us. Jeanette, my friend from New York, and I were nearby and one rose fell near us—we missed the others. We went for it and somehow she got the flower—and I got the stem! Oh, did everyone have a laugh at that. I played it up as a big joke and stuck out a pity lip. Everyone grabbed Pastor and Aunty and everyone to laugh –it was funny. And Jeanette and I got a picture of me “pouting” with my stem. But dear Pastor Michael came to the rescue and gave me a mini rose bouquet—not two inches tall—that goes on a lapel. Even Aunty didn’t give me her Husband Look after that!

And now I am in bed at Aunty Rose’s—a lovely home in De Soto, down the street from Shachah—three hours or so from Mount Pleasant. I will probably go by Robin’s tomorrow evening on my way out of town. Knowing me I will probably pray! I wanted to stop and pray for people all over tonight—especially Beverly when she got very weepy at missing her friends and how much she loves us all and wished we were closer because this ids where her fiends are. Yup, Susan the prayer sap.

When I talked to Tara today she asked me what had happened that turned me around. I told her how I hit a really low point and then how Robin had prayed for me and little things happened but then the big breakthrough was with Terry and I praying. It really doesn’t make a lot of sense on its own. But the Holy Spirit doesn’t make much sense in the human mind!

This morning I had an incredible time praying. It was just before I checked out and I had read my Bible and wanted to stop and pray. Sometimes the anticipation of going into that place of prayer is so exciting in itself, and that is how I was. And then I started praying in the Spirit and boy was it amazing. Robin used to tell me that she sometimes knew what she was praying and today that happened—I wasn’t even aware until it was. I was seeing a picture in my head and hearing what I was saying, and WOW!

Well, although I get to sleep in, I want to wind down now—I have to edit this and also have to read, pray and prepare for tomorrow. This week stuff will happen that will guide me and I need to be prepared. I don’t know for sure if the answer will come, but I ought to know what is or is not working by the end of the week. Sometimes that happens through no calls or words—sometimes it is a disappointing letter “we’re sorry…” and then you cry, grieve what could have been and move on. After tomorrow then I set my sights in Wednesday night—church—I can’t wait to get back to church. After work I will move stuff to storage—just a bit but that is when it starts. I wonder how my life will be different by the next time I step foot in church. Will I be able yet to answer the question of where I am going? So many questions here.. are you back to stay people randomly asked. No. Yes. Maybe, My stalk answer was “it’s all in God’s hands.”

I remember a birthday card Shekinah gave me years ago. I still have it. She says something in it about how God had me on His date book. I LOVED that sentiment. And I know it is true now too. On His master date book on one of the days it says something like “Susan accepts job in ________.” Of course I know He doesn’t have to write it down, but I like the idea.

December ___, 2003. Susan accepts job in __________________.

Meanwhile tomorrow is December 1. The smoking deliverance anniversary the vision of Jesus anniversary—the day everything changed irreversibly and I was truly a new creation.

It all happened one Monday morning (hey! It has been six years so it is Monday again—WOW!!!) on my way to work at the college. One minute I was smoking a cigarette and singing along and the next I was lost in the most passionate worship I had ever know, saw my Lord on the Cross, finally REALLY understood what that meant and never smoked again. It was a miracle. Every December 1 is special. But in six years it is still coming full circle.

For all the ups and downs, these six years have been the best life ever.

He’s real—and the words I understood that day six years ago resound tonight again:

It is finished.


Monday morning… I am about to get ready and head out. I woke up at 7:42—the reason I mention that is because I woke up and turned on my phone to see the exact time and realized it was probably the time, maybe to the MINUTE that six years ago I had my visio n. Usually I had to be at work at 7 on Mondays but six years ago when we went into December, our Monday meetings were at 8. It happened just about 10 miles from work—so 7:42 is a good bet. Nice way to awaken. It was a curious thought a while later when I looked at my phone again to see the time and it was some time after 8. I thought back again and thought, by this time it had happened. Amazing wshat one half hour can mean. It can be ordinary and usual, or in that time your life can be touched and changed forever. It was just an interesting thought.

A few minutes ago I was praying and I think I got the rest of the key. Tara asked me yesterday what specifically happened that broke this and I couldn’t tell her. I said I thought it was just God’s mercy and then I responded to His mercy, but I think I just saw it and WHY that prayer did it. It WAS the prayer but I don’t think any prayer would have done it. I think it was a powerful spiritual principle in force—and I am going to share the details of this another time—once it is all settled in me and completely dealt with. But I think I saw why that prayer at that time worked—and I think I also just glimpsed the power of love and WHY our loving others is so important. Oh BOY is this revelation!

Well, I need to get myself ready. Aunty’s Rose’s husband needs to help me look down the manhole for my lost possession! Then I need to find a bagel, pray more as I drive and get to my interview. I will have to post this tonight when the phone line is free.

I won’t even attempt original blogs, but these are edited excerpts from letters to Terry and they will have to do in this trip!

Friday night:

I had a nice birthday but it didn’t feel much like a birthday most of the day—which for ME is good! I had a terrible time getting to the airport. From the time I left even, I was having a war to get out of town—I lost my debit card and needed it to get cash to go and then I went to the bank and back home—back and forth—searching—the coming up with a back up plan in came I HAD lost it. It was frustrating but I really did not let it get to me. I was too annoyed at the devil and just prayed. Then I found it—after a long time and a lot of effort. So I went to the bank, then I had to buy something to get ones for tipping. Meanwhile I took the wrong exit off the 110—I am never looking when you take me to the airport—I went one too early—but I figured I would follow the surface street. I easily found my way to the 405 to get to my parking lot where I had booked a reservation—and prepaid a day. So I saw my exit off the 405 but construction kept me from getting to it. I turned down La Cienega but it twists right there and I ended up in Culver City!

I finally found my way to the parking area, so thankful I had left so early! It was full. I drove up SEVEN parking levels despite the full sign because I had “guaranteed” my reservation. Eventually I found a person and basically said, "find me a place; I already paid and I have a flight to catch." And the guy was nice and moved a valet car for me but even that involved some chaos. So then I got my shuttle to LAX and did curbside check in—then the TSA was SO SLOW I could not believe it. I think they were playing up the shortage because it was crazy! But I got through and then the lines went quickly. But I seriously thought I was going to miss my plane for a while there. In the midst of it I was worrying about what would do. I finally told myself to calm down—if I missed it I would get on the next one and something would work out. And I made myself stay focused in the right place—back on God. I am still having some intense times with Him and wasn’t ready to sacrifice whatever is happening spiritually for that frustration. But boy was I happy to sit down on my plane! The flight was uneventful—2 ½ hours seems short after the six hour flights earlier this month! I woke up extra early again but not at 4:15! I keep waking up, thinking of God and exploding into prayer. How I wish this could last forever!

Anyway we arrived on time to Dallas and I was happy to see the old stomping ground but I did not cry with joy like last time. I do love Texas but like I said, I can stay in LA. I have peace either place. You really pinpointed it last night with the comment that I had a peace that passed understanding. It was so NATURAL to me that I did not think of it as supernatural—which I guess is what makes it so much more so!

Anyway, Karen met me at the airport and we had a GREAT time. We went to my hotel first to check in. It is a nice place—for next to nothing. Very formal and elegant, right in the heart of North Dallas. Then we went clothes shopping but I couldn’t find anything for sure. I found one thing that was gorgeous but more than wanted to spend, so I looked in a few places with her and decided I would think about it and come back. Then we went to one of my favorite Italian places and Karen took me to dinner for my birthday—and had a lovely card—it was great. We had a wonderful time together,. Then she took me to get my rental car. Obviously I have never rented a car here before because this is home. It was so neat—they have a huge rental car center with its own lobby and snack kiosks, like a terminal—so tomorrow I will turn in this car and walk across the lobby to the other counter. Dallas has to be one of the asst and best cities to fly into and stay. It is easy and affordable—so that part is nice!

Anyway I got my car and came back here to the hotel—after driving down the street to the mini market that has 44 ounce Diet Cokes in foam cups. I am down the street from the hotel I usually stay in when I come to Dallas so I know the neighborhood—except where Einstein Brothers Bagels is; that is what I want for breakfast.

So those are the facts—now here is the HEART. I had a neat image late last night as I prayed. I had mentioned previously that what I feel like is that God has this big canvas and He is free to paint it how He wants. So I was talking about that as I prayed and I said it was going to be interesting to see which background it has—Mountains? Piney woods of East Texas? Gulf of Mexico? But then I realized something else: no matter what the background the person in the painting will look the same. And it was a visual of my epiphany. I am the same person no matter where I am—if I can surrender to God and His ways. I should not change no mater where I go.

That seemed to spark some more of my thoughts today on the plane and drive. I was thinking about what Terry said about how I had opened myself up to prayer. The way she said it was not how I saw it—but I realized she was right because once I opened myself to praying with you that opened me up to God and it became both about people AND about Him—I was seeing more the people side, but who have I been chasing for over a week? HIM. And then I thought about what I previously blogged about regarding Terry’s attitude toward prayer. I agree with that attitude. I SHARE that attitude. So I started wondering of that meant I should LIVE with that attitude… that is a tough one and the current challenge I am facing. I talked to the Lord about this today. If that is how I feel and if prayer is so important to me, then shouldn’t I do something about it? I even likened it to how I approach holidays. I hate holidays so I got proactive. Before people can reject ME, I formulate a plan—I travel or arrange something so that I am not left alone. I was controlled one too many times by the pain of holidays so I took control. It has helped.

So I started thinking—can I commit to being an aggressive proactive pray-er? Do I have the dedication in me to be ready in season and out (or even the capability) and do the same thing that I believe in so much and be the one who says “let’s pray—let’s thank God” etc.? Can I do it? It is a serious question I asked myself and God. It almost seems like I am a victim of my own desires. This is the absolute most life changing thing in my Christian life and redemption and yet I only have it when I wait around for other to bring it. That suddenly seemed more dangerous than being alone on Christmas.

Anyway, I have not absolutely answered that yet, but I think I already know deep down. And I put it right into practice with Karen. It felt so good and right when we got my car I walked back out to hers to get my stuff and she was opening my door and handing it to me and I said, without missing a beat, “Wait,. Lets’ get in and pray a bit first.” Easy. No fear. And it was the perfect way to end—leave it all with God.

Other Christians are willing to. You don’t usually have to ask twice. But the thing I guess is so hard is 1) I am sometimes uncomfortable praying because I get out of “public” practice even if I pray well privately And 2) because it is so tender and special to me, rejection in prayer is about as much as you can get to me. To avoid rejection in anything the answer is to not seek out what you fear rejection FROM.

I am at a point right now where I don’t even have to force myself. Right now it is so EASY because it is all that is in me. I sat on the plane and turned my Walkman on—an old Hillsongs tape, but in a minute I was whispering right there, praying because I can’t contain it when I am this way. Then I was sitting there reading my little Bible. That is all I want—God God God. I got it BAD right now—and want it to stay that way! But all this has me thinking more about prayer and asking that question—if I believe SO much why am I not acting more? I mean I want to start about three prayer groups and join about three others. No kidding. I will go out to pray when I will stay in because I am too tried to visit even. And I am trying desperately to keep myself open.

I told Karen I didn’t know where I was going either and how God had turned everything around and I could even stay in LA and didn’t hate it anymore. She didn’t know how bad it got. But now that I am out of that I can start to share how bad it was. When I say it is a MIRACLE how I feel about my life now and where I am going to be and everything else, that is no exaggeration. It is a MIRACLE that I could live in LA and be happy. It is a true work of the Lord that could not have been done by any human. It is supernatural and beyond any reasonable explanation. I think you see that—Robin will. Most people will have no clue. I admitted to hating it but I covered the extent of how much to most people. But I am starting to love again. Believe it or not if I stayed I would move right in to the Valley—maybe even in North Hollywood itself—I was too far removed. Yeah, this is a miracle and I know it—maybe a bit more every day. And today I found myself saying something I have not said in a long time” I like my life—I am happy.” I really am.

My greatest interest NOW is in cultivating what is in me—in doing what is necessary to keep that spiritual growth happening, to stay connected with other believers, to continue in the way I have been given grace to walk in again and not slip and feel rejected.

And I will ask myself again if believe this prayer things as much as I do—isn’t it time to take action? Do I dare? Am I to scared of rejection? But if it is my heart—how am I hurting myself if I DON’T live in it. Is there power there and does it work in reverse? A lot of questions.

Who knew one simple prayer in the middle of a night of packing could snowball into what it has? I find that more amazing than almost anything!

I just want to be with God—wherever I am—in as many ways as possible;. There is a new facet to Him in each unique way I approach Him it seems. I love that. And I want more. I want to explode the Word into my life!

Saturday morning:

I went out this morning and got my favorite bagel with cream cheese. I also bought a baggy pair of jeans. I wanted loose jeans but I hate buying things too big because then I feel even fatter than I am! But there is a Wal Mart right next to the hotel and they were $10. But you know the funniest thing of ALL about the jeans I bought? THEY ARE WRANGLERS! I swore I would never wear a pair. Now don’t panic—they do not have that gross W on the butt—in fact there is no sign that they are any name at all—They are totally plain—but really loose in the legs and butt—jeans I can dance in! But isn’t that FUNNY!

So I did all that and then drove to the airport for a new rental car. Want to know what is hysterical? Of all the cars in the world to rent when I got to the new counter they gave me—in a different company—the EXACT same car down to the color, model and interior. It was hysterical. I had just gotten used to the first car—and I brought my CD with my new dance song on it that affects me so much and was hoping I would have a CD player—so I got used to one and went to the other! It was too funny! I do love it here. If I have to be in a big city, Dallas is it. It is just plain NICE—spread out, neat, pretty and friendly. It is a very large city but you don’t drown. But none of my current options include Dallas anyway, so this is a visiting place.

Saturday night:

Robin just left the hotel on her way back to Quitman. WOW! What a time we had. I believe God already did something. I was finally able to express all the awful icky stuff that was so powerful in me and we didn’t talk much about it but just prayed—I mean, PRAYED! I was completely open to her and the Holy Spirit—there was no resistance in me and the power in this room was awesome. She said a couple things that really gave me some insight. The other night when Terry and I were talking and I said I was not sure how I could have gone a different way because it felt like it had just happened as it did and I was not sure WHAT I did that crossed the line? Well, I know for sure now I know and the fact is, the way I was going I had it doomed from the start. I have learned an even greater lesson than I thought.

For my birthday, Robin gave me a beautiful delicate bracelet with tiny hearts all around it “to remind you of how much I love you,” she said. I got two pieces of delicate jewelry for my birthday. Wow! And both are so meaningful now with God and what He is doing. I have a lot of individual praying to do now. I will have some time before bed tonight and tomorrow since I will not be in a church. I feel bad about that but it is hard to do the church and the wedding unless I go to some place here and run in and worship and then out, you know. I would have to say that any church service tomorrow would pale in comparison to tonight—I think I will let God just gel it some more before I check out and get in my whirlwind of the next couple days.

I have been praying like crazy all night. I even had to say the meal prayer! Then when it was about to get serious and I was trying to share and struggling I suggested we pray before we began and I had to do that—I mean, you would think I have nothing left today, but instead I could probably pray for people all night.

It was refreshing to have someone lay hands on me—I love that power even though I don’t totally understand it—and, believe it or not , I do not reach out for ministry often even when I need it and when I do it is usually very mild and I probably seem unapproachable. But sometimes when I know that it is serious and intense I want that but harder than offering to pray for people is ASKING for prayer—especially for something as serious as laying on of hands. I am SO sensitive to touch that I imagine that means it will also work in a reverse way and really affect me when it is straight from the Holy Spirit. And I did sense a breaking. Still more processing to do, but there is a definite forward move.

One very good thing is that I have had such opportunities spiritually to really milk this latest breakthrough and let it grow—that makes it more solid. I believe I am in a time of grace and waiting. though , and I will grow. I am still probably a week away at LEAST from knowing where I am headed. I am not kidding when I say that I wish I could hang out longer in limbo—it is nice to be so free!

Anyway, if I went home tomorrow this weekend would be worth penny and hassle for this one day. I praise God for His incredible mercy and faithfulness. I know that everything is about to change again. I truly have no real clue what is next—only a myriad of possibilities. And the phone could ring Monday with new possibilities I did not envision. You know what I think? I think when I hear it I will know it. This has never happened to me before. But I think I will know when I need to know—the time will come and I will know and it will be EASY. I don’t mean without problems, but it will be easy. It will be God.

Guess what? I don’t think I was stupid to come to LA anymore. A counselor at work that I have actually confided in about my job frustrations told me she admired me for coming out here and trying. She said she had to “be dragged kicking and screaming” but she admires that I tried. That amazed me—and encouraged me. I did try. I didn’t do it well. I failed and I could have done better because now I see why I failed so badly and if I had handled it different it would have been different—it was my own sin. I still can’t answer if I did or didn’t miss God. I am not sure it was an issue. I am not sure that it would have been wrong to stay or to go—in some ways I think STAYING would have been worse. Tyler was a place to grow and heal but I am not sure it was my forever place but it might have been easy to make it that way. What I have learned in LA is a lifetime lesson. Wherever I use that I will be better for it.

So the you have it—more work from a faithful God and hope for whatever the future brings. And all the things I saw as traumatizing I now see as hopeful. The very things that seemed like they might take months and years to recover from, some of them are gone already and others are fading quickly. If I leave LA in a month I will leave better than I arrived. I already am, but by then it will all be taken care of –healed, repented of and confessed. Suddenly all my dumb pride I CLUNG to when I got here is so irrelevant—I WANT To break it down and confess the ugly truth because it HEALS. I love healing. I love the word. I love the hope.

One day I may dance in white again.

Well, now the work begins. Although I am a wedding guest I have a lot of work to do as far as driving and helping wherever they need it. They won’t have that many people who are not involved in it that can assist so I am on standby, and so is my car! Then Monday I go to the college for that interview—it will be an hour of several people asking me tough questions I expect to do well even if I am not as qualified for the job. I don’t necessarily have to get hired, But I want to leave them impressed with me even if I am not the ideal candidate—one day I would like to do that full time and if I do well this time they WILL remember. This is the job I am not even sure I want because spiritually it is the one that leaves me not even sure where I would find a church.

I am very drawn to the church in Houston and the whole dance ministry and yet even though that is the “sure thing” job, it seems more unlikely at times. But I am playing guessing games. I would not be upset to see something open up in Dallas. It is such a nice city—it has everything to offer but fewer of the big city issues. So much hope—in every direction so much hope.

And tonight was so easy and so free. And no walls to support while trying to support myself. What immense freedom.

But that makes sense.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

The best Thanksgiving ever. I had a grand time. It is 9:30 p.m. now and I just got home. The festivities continue at the Bruce’s but I can barely stay awake. My day began early, but was worth every second.

I woke up at 4:15 a.m. and could not sleep. I was excited. Then I had that desire to pray I occasionally (far TOO occasionally) get in the middle of the night. So I lay there praying in the Spirit. I finally gave in and got up. I got conscious and then decided to dance to my song. It is a ten minute track but the song itself, after about 5 or 6 minutes, turns into more of a free worship time with the lyrics. I danced those first few minutes and then I spent that and the next song on my face before God. And the things that came out were powerful—believe it or not too personal for my blog, even—though I shared them with a beaming Terry tonight and will, I imagine, with Robin Saturday

I loaded up a couple boxes to store at Terry’s, got my clothes and cooking supplies and a big Diet Coke (in a foam cup!) and headed for Terry’s. I arrived at about 7:40 and the day was a whirlwind from there. We enjoyed cooking. I made a lot of stuff and we gabbed—or I gabbed and she listened. Darrell teased me that he could have had two more hours of sleep if SOMEONE wasn’t talking outside his room. Ha! I said he was just cranky because I talked to him when football was on. But it was all in good fun, of course. Pastor Darrell is one of my personal heroes—even if he is glued to football.

A few people arrived—I was curious to note that Terry’s friends were people I really liked. No joke I thought I was sitting around the table with women from Texas. But then Terry is not the typical Angelino.

The turkey was textbook; the dressing delicious. But the real hit of the day was the mashed, er, uh… dripping potatoes. Terry overcooked them while she was finishing her hair (I got a lovely picture of that to circulate soon online!). Then they were a STRANGE consistency. So then I got involved and tried to doctor them up. I added milk and sour cream a lot of butter to change the consistency. It worked but got then even softer than they already were, but at least we recovered the taste. So the end result was very mashed potatoes (no straws, PD!) that people actually had second on. It became the joke of the day… some potatoes with that?

The we all hung out and talked. I was drifting off a bit by the afternoon’s end. Then I searched for the missing coat! It happened when I was looking at the sale ads. I need a dress for the wedding after discovering it was more formal than I imagined! I saw ads for coats and one looked familiar. Then I remembered the coat I had last year. The brown one I got for a steal at Beall’s and took to PA. At first I thought maybe I only THOUGHT I bought it. I was truly baffled. Then I remembered the deal I got—I DID buy that coat. Okay, where WAS it?! I had not seen it in months—and just now missed it! So I checked the BIG box I had—it was a clothes box of older stuff I had ever even unpacked that I am leaving. I looked through the whole thing. No coat, but I did find something else. The cheerleading outfit I used at Quitman for that spirit day. What did I do? I put it on over my t-shirt and windpants. Terry’s friend laughed so hard, even DJ looked shocked when he walked in the room and I cheered “Go, DJ!!!!” while making stupid cheering motions. Darrell looked like I had fallen off my rocker. But the funniest part of all was when Sandy was leaving and Darrell and Terry were outside with her. I found her pictures she had left and tried to catch her. “Are these yours?” I called from the front step. They were, and so I ran to give them to her—down the street in a cheerleading outfit, And Darrell about died! “NO!” he said “go back in the house.” So of course I milked it. “But PASTOR!!!” I yelled. He RAN! He literally RAN DOWN THE STREET AWAY FROM ME. And I am in my cheerleading costume chasing him, yelling, “But PASTOR, I need COUNSELING.” It was so funny that I cannot write this without laughing hysterically. Terry just shook her head at her kids there. Inside I had to stop cheering until President Bush’s speech was over with. Then Darrell said I could cheer. I asked if his reaction meant he would not take a picture with me in my costume. I was mostly joking. I didn’t think for a SECOND he would, but he said “if I must.” So DJ took a picture of me with both of them—I was in my cheerleading outfit.” I sat there eon the couch by Darrell’s chair having this totally deep conversation about guys and dating—in my outfit. It was so incongruous. I said it was scary—from depressed to THIS. But he said he just wanted me to be who I was. Ta da! The free spirit returns.

Thank God.

I never found the jacket and still have no clue what happened to it!

After the last person left, Terry said they had a present for me for my birthday. It was two parts. On top was a pair of white satin ballet slippers with pink roses—like the pin ones hanging from my windshield—she found me new ones after all these years! That in itself would have been enough, but there was a jewelry box in the bag. In it was a beautiful gold cross. It is reversible—one side is all gold and the other is silver and gold. It is delicate and stunning. I could have easily bawled. She put it on me. “This is to remember’” she said even before she knew the rest of the story. Always kindness. Always love.

She went to pack—and I had told her I had something to tell her that would shock her. But it didn’t because she knew in her spirit when I said that. She was about ready to go and she told me to come talk to her first so she could hear it. So we went to her room so she could finish. I told her the whole inner story of all that is going on. Suddenly that cross she gave me became more special. As we said goodbye late in the garage, both of us saw that cross had become a symbol of this chapter and what has happened recently.

“Do you realize how huge this is?” she asked me. I think I know it is a big deal, but even as she talked, I think that I saw more by what she said. So we talked quite a while—Darrell gave up on a 6 p.m. departure and talked to DJ. Then he came in to say he had to pick some stuff up at the church, but Terry said she was ready. But then there was another delay and he had to do something so she grabbed me and said “let’s go pray a bit before he does that.” I joked “what makes you think I would want o pray?” “We need to,” she said—her attitude like always being that when you spend time and conversation centered around God you need to thank Him for it and not go off and NOT talk to Him. I love that attitude. So we went in the computer bedroom and didn’t have much time—so I said “Let me start then” and I did. No hesitation, no fear—not with a full heart. It was awesome. I mean it really was. When you do share conversation like that that is so God—it really DOES seem almost RUDE to end it and not address the One on whom it was centered. I mean, it really does when I look at her viewpoint. I am going to make a better effort to do that. So we prayed, hugged a million more times and said goodbye. Both of us return from our trips on Tuesday. By then I could have some answers. Who knows. I think I did give Terry a bit of a surprise by something very concrete I told her in one area, but it was all a good surprise. I may not be 100 percent back in a couple ways, but there is life in me like nothing I can express.

So then I went to Pastor Dan and Cindy’s—mostly to deliver the three leftover pies! With all of us going out of town no one could take them. I visited there a while—I was pretty tired by the end so I bowed out after les than two hours. They walked me to the door as I left. Pastor Dan was saying how sometimes Cindy had given him email updates from me—“especially if you were having a crisis so I could pray.” And I looked at them both and said “there are no more crises. God has done something and I am okay. Totally okay. I don’t know what is happening but there is no more crisis about it and I don’t need prayer in that way.” Cindy seemed very happy—she saw a lot of the ugliness too as I expressed my displeasure. I will share more with her later.

I drove home very sleepy but alive. I am leaving in the morning—I am not packed; I have not even done lesson plans for Monday. Tomorrow I will wake up and be 34, and I am actually entering it in a better state than I began age 33. That is a MIRACLE. I have not even blogged some of the things here that would tell that. I shared some with Terry tonight—no one knew how bad I felt, how low I got. I never was tempted to leave God. It wasn’t ever a matter of losing the basic faith of salvation—and that is nice to know that at least in the lowest point there was that was not in question. But there was more ugliness than I knew inside me. But this Thanksgiving was one of true thanksgiving. The last week has been a miracle in the hand of the Lord.

It really is an amazing thing. I don’t know where I am going—I have no idea where I will be living in just over a month. And it is exciting. I feel like a canvas God is about to paint but I can’t tell you what colors are on His palette. This is SO unlike me—Miss Control, Miss I-Want-to-Know. I had an epiphany as I drove to Terry’s this morning that I think will become an article or testimony or something—it is a slang phrase and sums it all up. So amazing that I could be so unsure and yet so happy. Terry said it first, and the Cindy said the very same thing later when I told her how I was okay. Sometimes the most profound things are the most simple—yes, Terry, yes, Cindy—I guess that is it—even I did not see it as that because it was so easy and so natural:

The peace that passes all understanding.

Three cheers for God! Go, God!!!!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have not been this excited in years and years. I can’t wait. Tomorrow I am the cook. I had no idea Terry hated cooking—I just thought she was too busy to cook. She is thrilled and totally unstressed since I am coming to help, and that means I get free reign in the kitchen. Last night when I talked to her I asked her what she was doing about bread. She said she figured she would buy some rolls. I asked her if she meant those gross grocery store rolls. She did. So I said if she didn’t mind I would like to bake bread from scratch. Although we were on the phone I think I saw the look of disgust! It is hysterical! So I get to cook a large part of a huge Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy as a bunch of people eat it. I totally cannot wait,. My car and apartment are filled with flour and yeast and pumpkin and spinach. I have recipes galore and will get up earlier tomorrow than in a work day. Before most people get up, Terry and I will be in the kitchen. She is my assistant—she and I both love that idea.

All lightheartedness side, I am sure that the fact that I am so wanted is helping me love this holiday. I don’t think ever in my entire LIFE have I been wanted on a major holiday. I have been INVITED. I have been TOLERATED. I have even been ACCEPTED. But I have never been WANTED. I was beaming through the grocery store. Every ingredient I bought meant I would be a part of making Thanksgiving better. I am so excited. I probably won’t be able to sleep late anyway, just like a kid excited about Christmas. I wish it were always Thanksgiving. I really think I will fly out next year—just for the day—just to be wanted. I cannot tell you what that does in my heart. No one could understand unless you haven’t been for most of your life. Major wow!

Darrell replied to an email I sent to his home address today. I jokingly called it “Your Long Awaited Letter” and the wrote a short hello and that was it. He joked back that he saw that and thought he “was going to have to get another cup of coffee and sit there awhile.”

I told him that is why love him—because he WOULD get another cup of coffee and sit there awhile.

I still have no clue what my future holds. Tomorrow is my most thankful Thanksgiving. Friday is my 34th birthday. Saturday I will send the day with Robin and have a wonderful time—and I expect a very spiritual and productive time. Sunday I am thinking of trying to go to church in Tyler. Honestly I just cannot imagine NOT being in church this weekend, but I don’t know if I can make it as far as timing—maybe I can find another place to go for worship at least. Then there is the wedding Sunday evening which will run late. Monday is my interview. Tuesday I fly home. But I don’t really know anything else.

School is better. It helps that I can see the end of the road—but now that I am doing so much better, I am more fun and the kids and I are having a better time. I still hate CA teaching procedures and can’t imagine teaching in a secondary school in CA. If I were to ever live here and work it would have to be in a college or private school or something. But at least the last few weeks will be nice. I felt terrible today when I was telling the kids they needed to have their portfolios in order and stuff (great thing to do on a dead day before holiday). I said one reason would be if they were to have to switch classes at semester then their portfolio would follow them. One of my favorites, Sara, said “I don’t want to be in another class.” UGH! There are not that many who will be really upset I am leaving but it will still be hard for the few who are. Sara, Adena, Armine, Araksya, even Danny. Sweet Artin, Omar, and some others in 5th and 6th period might too. That will be a bit hard. My educational assistant—an older Hispanic lady, is very sad I am leaving. She has been in the district over 20 years. She told me that she told her husband I am her favorite. She said that I am “different” than the other teachers and that God shines through me and “He has used you.” I was very touched. Again I say it is an amazing thing that I thought I was spiritually USELESS and yet you can see it in someone I guess. I don’t know because I just live my life and don’t think I do it exceptionally well much of the time. But I hear this all the time—about being happy and stuff. Sunday Terry was saying something nice to me and she could tell that the thing she was saying I didn’t believe. I WANT to believe it, but I have no concept. I am not used to being well liked or wanted or any of those things and so I can’t just easily accept that. It is a weird phenomena.

Anyway, I had a heck of a trip to the grocery store. Adding to the hassle was that I had to get to the post office to mail something in today’s mail. I left my checkbook at home (I didn't realize it—it was stuck inside my tambourine from Sunday!) so I could not go right to the store after work as planned. I called Terry on my way home to see if she had some ingredients and then set out for my local Ralph’s—this time at 4 p.m. But like last night at 6, there was not a free space in the whole parking lot. So I gave up—that tells you what it is like inside! I circled the huge block, down Colorado Blvd, to Fair Oaks and to my local Vons by the PO—then realized I had forgotten the third page of my form and had to come home and get it and go back again! Then I had to find parking—this is a whole SHOPPING CENTER and it had no spaces either. The strikers are still out picketing, but no one cares because we need to eat—and then the Teamsters announced they would stop making deliveries so people are rushing to buy what they can, I suppose. It is insane! Finally I found a space, mailed my letter and walked over to the grocery store. That took a long time but was not too crowded considering the parking lot. In fact, check out was fine. I decided that I was okay as long as they actually HAD everything I needed—they did.

At first I was unhappy there was not church tonight but now I realize I would have gone nuts—though I would have still attended. I am doing the second load of laundry now. I have to pack for Friday and book my parking as well. I am waiting, hoping my paycheck will post early because of the holiday. I have to organize everything. I realized I have nothing appropriate to wear to the very formal wedding. I have no time to shop. I mean I am just unprepared right now. Then I have to do lesson plans for Monday and Tuesday. GASP! My apartment is a mass of boxes. When I return I will have less than a week to move. I will go to Belma’s guesthouse but then who knows? I am scheduled to be at Robin’s—but where will I really end up?

I guess Clear Lake is still an option—I will know after Thanksgiving if it is full time. I have made a solid connection with the church down there. I have been in touch with the dance leader (one of them who works with one part of the group). This s the teams that uses Shachah stuff and is so excited I am part of that ministry, too. So I know that could be good—I love everything I hear so far.

I cancelled my interview in Marshall and the human resources person wrote me back asking to still interview me whenever possible because she was very interested in me with my “years of experience and master’s in English.” I wrote back and told her I would try to contact her when I was in the area (never burn a bridge) and she said that was great and she was looking forward to hearing from me. That sounds like a pretty sure thing too. I mailed another thing off this morning before work—a very surprising application—a highly unlikely one, but still rather surprising. But I still know ZILCH. And I still love it.

I brought the CD out of my car that I can’t stop listening to. It has been days with no break. Saturday on my way back from San Diego I put the song on “repeat” and have not taken it off! I decided it is finally time to try that dance I have been seeing in my head—I will do that in the morning.

Tomorrow is truly a day of Thanksgiving.

I don’t know that I have ever been so high when I was so unsure of my life! I have been high—I have felt the power of God as I am feeling it now, but it seems so weird to be in a place of complete uncertainty about my life. Wow! And I had a fear this morning as I was getting my Diet Coke—in a foam cup—I feared that once I got wherever I was going I would fall from the reality as I did here—of course I am operating in enough power right now that I could rebuke that fear and pray, but it still lingers. You don’t vanish 3 ½ months of depression in a minute… so I guess some work has to be done, but the difference is that it CAN be…

I AM so happy I could burst. I am gushing and oozing and I don’t even know what to DO with it. In fact I prayed this morning that God would give me some outlet beyond myself for this—right now I am WIDE open. I mean I would be receptive to ANYTHING the Lord said or did.

This is a place I have been before. It is HARD for me to get here. Very. My trust level is so low even with those I DO trust. So what happens is that I get really open and before anything lasting happens most of the time, I close right up.

So I am asking God to do something now that will solidify what He is doing that might keep me open. EVERY time this happens I PRAY I can stay open-- I don’t mean always happy and perfect and high but OPEN so God can move, but I can’t hold on to it because I also have to hold on to protecting myself.

When I visited in March and all this stuff happened this is how I was. That is why everyone thought I fell in love when I got back. I thought it was enough to sustain me.

This morning I was reading the Word and I was tired and since I read the Psalms every day it was not even getting into me, so I made myself read aloud. Oh my goodness. It was amazing what happened—I mean I FELT the power of God so strongly and the I was reading more and kept reading other Psalms and would go from reading to praying in the Spirit to reading—it was amazing—truly an awesome God experience.

I think in some ways it is EASIER now to be this way NOT knowing my future—it is like I get a God time without worry but I want something to happen in this time that will last in the new job—wherever that may be.

Right now it is hard to be at work—not because I hate it but because I know what is IN me and I want to do something with it. I want a sick person to lay hands on or I want to minister to someone or somehow USE what is in me instead of sit here and do nothing—I KNOW there is a lot in me spiritually—

Anyway, just some more thoughts from my bursting spiritual life right now… I want to be at a prayer meeting right now—seriously. I just HATE having so much in me ALONE. I want to share it—to know that power beyond just me and God. I just want God. I do. In fact I think my 3 ½ month pit makes it more clear as I rise. Being without that presence is the most awful place and want to stay in it whatever that means…

The difference between me and someone like Terry, Robin or anyone I admire, but tease about being a sap, is that in many ways I share their hearts, but I can’t sustain it because I don’t have enough safety to protect it. BUT notice my best friends I this world are gushers and saps? That is me inside.

I want so badly a chance to live as I am, as God created me to be—to be free emotionally in the right way and spiritually in a way that I know is in me. Someday I want to love and not worry that I have to protect my own heart in the process. We all need human love but all my is secondary. I have never known how to reconcile that.

Everyone tells me to get married—that is my only way to get what I want. Now what I WANT is spiritual commitment more than physical love so I don’t know, but the thing is I am WILLING to get married but have not met anyone yet who was even CLOSE to being that. Honestly many people my age who are single are usually a mess—I want a spiritual LEADER. I am strong and I need someone stronger. I want a pray-er, a worshipper—a man who doesn’t compromise—who doesn’t think “mild” swear words are okay “in our culture”. No Cultural Christians need apply! I am not concerned with jobs or looks or money—I want a man of God and if I can’t have one—isn’t it BETTER to be alone? So I don’t know—People have opinions about everything. I want to live in the power of God, free and one—I don’t care how that happens. God is God, not me. We can all see that if it were up to me I would mess it up.

I want Him—and I want to hold on and be free—is it possible on this earth?

I can still dance! That probably sounds stupid, but I was sitting here at the computer—still in my conference period—and a song came on a and I just suddenly wanted to dance. I turned up the volume and danced freer than I have in MONTHS. I flew around the room—God lighting my every step—it was incredible how I felt—I was thinking as I danced how AWESOME it felt and how awesome it was that I was doing this—and that I could still dance.

Almost like I never missed a beat.

This morning as I prayed something made sense. This is the first time in close to a year that I have not sat there desperate to be somewhere. I know that will sound crazy to people who have read this blog or talked to me, but the fact is, I could be in Minnesota or Manhattan in a month and it hardly makes a difference.

I guess I got all the desperation out of me.

I look at the possibilities I currently see—and who knows if there are more unseen. Every single one of them could be okay. In fact it is a half-full/half-empty scenario because with every one will come sadness at the one that wasn’t, so I will have to look at what is. I mean, let’s look at some possibilities—the college job is a teacher’s dream in a beautiful, peaceful area. The Houston job is the best boss ever and chance for advancement at work, as well as a church that uses and loves Shachah and already is welcoming me. These are just two examples. In other words, in every scenario I see (there are more), I get something wonderful out of it. And that something wonderful is a sure thing—something I already know, at least partly.

Maybe that fact makes it easier to say I don’t care much where I am, but I am serious when I say if someone in Michigan called me tomorrow about a job I would at least listen to him or her (No, I have NO applications out in Michigan!). I guess what I realized as I prayed—and enjoyed every blooming second of it, I might add—is that I have no demands left. Praise God. His will is my desire and there is no gunk to mess it up. Since March of last year all I wanted was to be here. I saw NOTHING but North Hollywood in my head. Then I hated that so much that I wanted nothing to do with it. But now I love it in the midst of hating it, so it is not so black and white (Whoa! Major revelation to something Terry and I talked about Sunday!!!!). For a while, after that, all I could see was Texas. But then the image I saw didn’t work out, so the bottom line now is that there are several possibilities and none is a nightmare anymore.

It is the funniest thing in the world… I have no home after Dec. 15; I have no job after Dec. 19. I won’t even have furniture anymore! But I feel more free and less anxious than I have in almost a year.

That is not a bad place to be at all.

Meanwhile, I listen again and again to my song. This is the song I wrote about several weeks ago that I was seeing a dance to even in the pit of darkness. I still see the dance, only now I am in the light and that song has proven prophetic. I suppose it was God’s quiet word to me in the pit—only I could not see that then. I have it on “repeat” in the car and the words are taking on a new meaning in the other side of this.

Maybe someday I will dance it.

But for now I think I will just live it.

I did something tonight no one would ever believe, but I did it to be sure. Sometimes when your brain returns to your body you have to be sure your spirit is aligned with the real Head. So I threw out the fleece. Truly I don’t think it will affect anything, but I did it. I did just what Monica did. It never hurts to know. But I think sometimes I surprise myself.

I love my church so much that I hate to leave it but I hate to stay in Los Angeles. What a situation I am in. Fact is, now that my brain has snapped back,. I remember why came here. It was so easy to see today.

I woke up early and went to worship practice to just be there in the atmosphere. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to see the real Susan was back. Terry BEAMED at me. I glowered at her—okay not really GLOWERED but the joke is that I am mad at her for opening me back up. I still don’t understand how all this happened. But I sat there writing in my journal at worship practice and my chin was literally trembling because I wanted to cry and cry and cry. It wasn’t a bad cry this time—it was a crying of the ICK in me out of me. I mean, I wanted to sit down right there and cry it all out. I felt so safe and free being there. I could feel the anointing in that place—again; I could feel it again. But I kept the tears in check and wrote. It was like it was months ago and I was visiting. Of COURSE I wanted to be here. It made sense. Maybe that helped—I was not a total fool. Anybody with half a spiritual brain would want this if they saw it—maybe not everyone would run to GET it, but they WOULD want it. It wasn’t crazy. Actually I think if two things would have been different (excluding my minor emotional breakdown, of course), it would have worked. The first thing was my job. I hated it. The dread of going could ruin a day. The other was living in Pasadena. Now go figure, but I think I made a mistake there. I should have lived in the Valley by the church. I think I was determined to prove I was “above” that. Instead I missed out. Of course emotionally a lot was wrong too, but now that it is right and my brain snapped back to who I am in Christ and it is not just blind faith, now I can admit it even more. If I had a different job and simple apartment, I would even stay. But I am caught in a bad place—I can’t stay and am pained to go.

I will never find a church like this; it is why I came. I LOVE this church. You all reading this have no idea. But I have to earn a living and you can’t sacrifice yourself 5 days a week and then keep your spirits up that way. I can’t. Not without a family or a husband or personal fulfillment. I think I could work a dead end job if, when I left it each day, I had something. But I don’t—not consistently. You can’t live that way for a Wednesday night and a Sunday.

Terry really warmed my heart today when she told me that she really understood what I tried to tell her last night in my letter. She said she could see that some of this spiritual holding on is harder for me. It was not in a pitying way, and I was not trying to TELL her in a pitying way. She said she could see that because of my past and my life. You know, I guess the reason she can, and David can too, is because they knew me when. People in my life now, like Robin or other friends, they know ABOUT me when, but I think it makes a difference to see. To Terry it was easy to see how something as small as that connection could be life changing. While others only see that as a DEMAND at times. I felt so good knowing that it made sense. It does make sense, but I am only accused of being demanding—think back to Sue. When you look at it in the big picture it was a systematic destruction of the sanity God had given me. But it was unintentional. She didn’t know. People don’t know. We lived in the same house and could be the best of friends today if we had stopped yelling and sat down to pray—once a week even, if we had loved each other enough to follow through on our hearts. I think both our lives would be different today. That is old news, but I guess it helped me when Terry said she could really understand that. It makes total sense if you knew me before. But I wonder if it is too late now.

She says that if God created us that way, then isn’t it HIS responsibility to fulfill that? And my answer is yes and no. Sure it is, but people have to be willing. She is the one who always prays. She says if you send time fellowshipping with people then the King of Kings is there and you should not end without thanking Him. But she acknowledges there are few people like that. So what happened is because in my heart I share that desire, if I am with people who did not see prayer that way, they see it as demanding and divisive—it becomes an ISSUE instead of what we do naturally. That is why I get so upset and vow to stop forever. They don’t realize—I think Robin knows me better than anyone but even she can’t fully understand—it is the very thing God used to save my sanity.

It is life and breath. It is not rote, not a routine and not minor. It is the healing balm, and it is just like God too because the things He used like that were a benefit to OTHERS. It was never prayer for ME that was healing but when I joined with people to pray for OTHERS. So what He does for me goes to the heavens and touches others. Uh, yeah, that sounds like GOD! And maybe that is why in my heart it has been so hard to see the rejection and destruction in an area that was only healing and so pure in the beginning. Nothing has had a greater continuing effect. I remember back to that one and only prayer meeting at Beverly’s. And then I remember how no one would ever come to a second one. I remember coming home that night and the way the Lord spoke Isaiah 61 to me—laying on the kitchen floor. I was so consumed by the Holy Spirit I just laid right down with that Bible.

The next week my life went NUTS. I could even see why at the time—I knew I had had major revelation. But the attack came—and it was an attack from the pit of hell—from one of the people at the very prayer meeting that had affected me so. I guess if I didn’t know before I knew then that this healing had a price.

I believe—on my good days in truth when I am free—I believe that I am called to prayer in a deep way. I believe that there is power in my prayers and I have, many times, believed I have an anointing for praying for emotional healing for others in my praying too—that that is all part of what God has done in healing me. But I have seen all that die. Although Robin and I still prayed when I lived in Texas, after all the funkiness, I had kind of pulled away too so it was not that kind of praying—I have not prayed like that with people for a very long time—and the truth is, I need that reinforcement. I need another person at times—not all the time, but if I don’t have it nothing builds me up. Real prayer is draining—it drains your emotions and sometimes even your physical strength. If I give it all out of me but it doesn’t come back, I dry up. And now I can’t remember how long it has been since I was last like that.

But I know that is who I am inside even if it NEVER comes out because it is still there. I still sense it and nothing extraordinary has happened.

So that is my prayer story.

Meanwhile, church was great. Worship was great. I took my new streamer, Elegant Grace, and found myself a place by where the side door is. I wanted room—and I let loose. I think I probably scared a couple older ladies behind me who may not have knows that I was skilled enough not to slap them, but I didn’t look. I danced and spun and twirled and danced some more. I was breathing hard and had to fight a coughing fit, from the ending cold, when I was done, but I wrapped myself in that grace and stood there. Alive.

I know it may go away tomorrow—the world may fill me with its ick and Terry or anybody else won’t be next to me saying “you want to pray” and the ick will grow and the connections will subside and maybe a week from now I will cry again and then this memory will hurt more because it was another up followed by another down. But I am still a person consumed with, sometimes against my will, Interminable Hope, and I have to milk it for all its worth because I have missed it. I think maybe I have missed it for years. I am not even sure how long. I would do anything keep it. Yes, folks, I would live here and work in Glendale if it meant keeping it. Of course I have already quit my job, but I am not kidding. If I KNEW I could keep this, if I knew there was a connection, a way, I would stay. But there has never been a way. I don’t know if Robin would agree with this, probably not because she looks at the whole picture of my general life and job and stuff, but I would say the time of my life I was the most stable was the time she and I were praying every week at least. It changed my life forever. I love that and hate it at the same time. How do you find a unique thing again? How do you live without it and live?

Some people take Prozac; I take prayer. I am not kidding. Really. The very chemicals in my brain change. It sounds funny when I say this—not that I really have and now I am exposing it to the internet (!), but sometimes I know I can actually FEEL my brain shifting. I tried to explain that to Terry today. When I say emotional healing and talk about what a miracle it is, I am telling you my brain chemistry literally changes and I know that as sure I as I know I have ten toes that are cold right now! That is why I also knew when I got here and things went awry that my brain shifted the wrong way. I felt it. I really did. The other night it shifted back. This is why there is never a hopeless depressed person truly lost in worship and adoration to God—the two cannot coexist. That is why I have struggled in worship all these months too. The brain shifted and even that did not un-shift it because there was no connection—only Robin on a phone 1500 miles away. There is a truth here that probably makes no sense to people who have spend their entire lives 100 percent sane and stable, but I know this because I have lived it. I have the cure. God gave it to me six years ago in worship and prayer and praise. I have two and 1/3 of those things (prayer is threefold: alone, with a partner and corporately, so I have one)—but the missing thirds matter. It is almost like a pill that is made up of a chemical compound which is missing a precise proportion. The pill still has some effectiveness, but not what it should have. On good days it will work and do okay but in times of more illness, that pill needs to be complete or it is useless.

I am SO looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. Where am I going? To the homes of BOTH my pastors. I LOVE THIS CHURCH! Terry hates cooking and I love it so I offered to do anything she wants. So I am really excited because I am going over there early and she says she will be my assistant. I get the big kitchen and a Thanksgiving feast to work on. I love cooking for Thanksgiving. I haven’t had any place to go for a couple years so I am really excited. After that I will go to Pastor Dan and Cindy’s and enjoy dessert. I think will come back next year. Why not? There is a part of LA that will always be home, because of Terry and this church—and Pastor Darrell. If I ever were to get married he would have to be the one who did it. I adore them. They are special and this church is exceptional. I wanted it to be mine. But there would have to be an earthquake big enough to move the church to Texas at this point. Regret on both sides. I guess what Terry said is true—they will always be here for me to come to. And the weekend visits will be special—times of laughter and prayer and worship and church. I wouldn’t even HAVE that if I stayed, so I guess it is a good thing. I wonder if I will ever have both from one place.

We had lunch after church and we hung out and talked. We cleaned later—then gabbed. I enjoyed talking to Darrell a bit today too, before church and after. He is being so kind, so loving. They are so loving. Thank God. He actually told me his home email address too—gutsy guy! He is getting better at at least short email replies. I didn’t want to leave when I left. I arrived at church at 9 a.m. and it was almost 4 when I drove out and I could have stayed hours longer.

Yes, today the spring break trip made sense all over again. The only way this could have been avoided is if I had never gone to visit Darrell and Terry that Wednesday afternoon. I can STILL see why I did this. And when you get right down to it—I did it for the hope of that spiritual connection that would give me more breath. This is why I could minister with a team building churches in Nepal for six months with no contact with home easier than I could live alone in Chicago for a month in an ordinary life. It is not a perfect world of heavenly bliss, but it is connection that preserves me—spiritual bonds and intimacy. If I didn’t have debt I would probably be a long term missionary. Some people would think if I couldn’t do LA without the spiritual pressures, how could I do something like that—but I could—on a team or with a spiritual partner.

It is the compound of the pill. God’s spiritual Prozac. And the answer I have but am still searching for.

I went to San Diego today (my first time), to do a Shachah site survey for our February conference--after yesterday, it turned into quite the spiritual jaunt. Here are excerpts from a letter I wrote Terry when I got home:


I have had a great day—I loved San Diego—it is beautiful, but it is NATURAL beauty past Orange County and into the Oceanside area. I love the undeveloped land and vast ocean. At the first hotel I was already ruling it out when I met the sales manager—a lady from England who was so charming. No one knew what Shachah was so I explained it. I always try to get it to a basic concept for people unfamiliar with this type of ministry. I say, : “some people go to church and sing a hymn, and we might dance a hymn” She was really interested. She said she was Catholic growing up and it was “miserable” and “of course I don’t go to church now.” Of course, like it is not even a question, you know. I told her this was so UN-boring… I wished we would have the conference there just so she could see. I don’t think we WILL because it was not really the best neighborhood. But I was interested in my own reactions to this woman and seeing my heart actually have some life back in it.

The next hotel was uneventful, nice place. Then I was way early for the third—a Hilton in the Torrey Pines section by UCSD… apparently a famous golf course, etc. GORGEOUS area. I knew I had a solid appt. there and could not go early so I went to the ocean. There was no charge to park (-: I picked up rocks and ran my fingers through the sand and remembered the simple stuff.

On my way down this morning I prayed a lot... So anyway I loved being down by the ocean... very few people—reminded me of Pismo Beach last March when I was so affected emotionally and spiritually. Of course so much has happened SINCE March, you know…

I finally went back to the hotel (they charged for parking but the events person signed it off for me ). I parked underground and was still a few minutes early and knew it was a bit too early to go up.

On my way this morning as I was praying and just listening to a CD I love (all in all, I listened to this whole CD for 5 hours in the car today and I am not tried of it!)—the one with the song that I keep seeing a dance to even when I am dry inside—I mean it is the most passionate dance that I am shocked it comes out of me.... I keep wishing it would go AWAY because now I will unlikely ever get to dance it but the picture STAYS in me. And then suddenly I said “I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in this car.” Now that might SOUND like a no brainer but even when I dance in church—it doesn’t happen—When I do dance it has been more like a hope that the act of dancing will soften me and bring that—occasionally it starts a wee bit but I have never had it since I have been here. I felt like ME today—I was expressing surprise that last night one prayer could so easily bring that life out of me. But you know what? It has before, after other dry spells—but also I know it does leave. It is very hard to sustain all this alone. And just going to church doesn’t do it. What changed my life and set me on the right path was when Robin and I began praying together—our closeness as friends became a spiritual closeness, too, and I attribute that more than anything to the change in me—it gave me a security in a spiritual and emotional sense like nothing else in my life. That is why it is so hard and so wonderful at the same time… I am jumping around but let me return to this in a minute...

So I am feeling the Holy Spirit today and I am doing all this and after the beach pulled into that underground lot and was basically alone. I locked my car, put the seat back and gave into what was filling me and prayed—not forever, but out of my heart—in the Spirit until I got it out—don’t know what IT was, just that something was coming to the surface. The I went through that hotel (which was BEAUTIFUL).

I had a wonderful day singing (croaking it out but at least feeling better [from my cold]) and praying and seeing beauty. I was wondering if I might actually go to church tomorrow and feel FREE to worship and be alive… what a concept. That is what I came here for, but it never happened.

Now back to all the bubbling over stuff and the prayer stuff. I know some people can pray by rote—I suppose in a crowd I can too, but why it was so hard is because one on one I can’t—it has to be real. It is one place I cannot pretend a bit and that means to pray with someone I have to be soft and let the walls down at least some. That is why I wanted to hit you too!

All my life I wanted attention and would do all those awful things to get it because attention would get me closeness(in my way of thinking)? That is what changed with Robin. When we prayed it brought us together to God and that closeness with another person is far greater than negative closeness over attention getting stuff. And that is when I realized that I could have closeness and intimacy with people in a POSITIVE way and spiritual way and maybe actually start growing up. That is what prayer did for me. It released me from that pit of needing negative attention because it might make someone love me ...that spiritual connection replaced an emotional one for me. When I lose that prayer, I lose [part of] myself... I LOVE prayer meetings. But that one on one thing is what almost gives me a second chance where I lost it—it is a God Thing I can’t explain but it drives me to HIM. When Robin and I first started praying and I saw what was happening it did not make me love HER more, but God more. It drove me to Him more alone and more with praying for others. At first you couldn't STOP me from praying for everyone around me. I think people thought I was obnoxious. But then if I didn’t have it, I had less to give.

So I got used to being without it and even stopped THINKING about it. I really did –for the first time in YEARS I stopped wishing for prayer partners and stuff. Until last night! So now I am trying to figure out what to DO with this… I still think I should shut it off again because who would I pray with? That kind of prayer has to come out of relationship—and relationship takes time. That is something I am lacking—even if I find a dance group and we pray it won’t be the same thing. Maybe it sounds stupid—but six years ago when this started I believed that was the way God Himself was filing the HUMAN hole in me [as a kid] with a spiritual answer that still involved a human. I don’t have a clue if that really makes SENSE or sounds crazy... .

So I have been riding on hope of going home, but now I think of this and wonder if going home can be all that perfect either if I am still lacking the thing so instrumental in my life. It is an interesting thought.

See, I told you it was a can of worms. But even though this is one miniature example, it is also a very good one. Look at what happened—simple prayer (well, maybe not for me, but the prayer itself was) and look at me all day today. I wasn’t focused on TERRY, but on GOD. That is what happens to me, but again it is something involving other people so I can’t depend on it. Of COURSE I need to go to God on my own—that part is NOT an issue. I guess the point with that is that it is hard sometimes to keep that passion all alone when there is not that other person spark from time to time.

I cry when I read the letter you sent in response to my blog last night. I know you are right—I used to fight like crazy in prayer. I prayed last night like I barely could talk but the truth was it was more the confidence level because as soon as I opened my mouth, had I had confidence and not been afraid I could have prayed with more power and might than YOU even know I have in me—but deep down I have been a warrior and wonder if I still could be. I have never prayed like that around you. But I have that in me. I used to. But talk about exposing yourself....

Robin keeps reminding me of all I have been taught of the “deposit” within me. I didn’t even buy into it Wednesday when we talked, but now I remember. That is why if someone needed me now I could pray three devils out of him or her....

Full heart, huh? Next week, of course, I am going to talk to Robin about this THING in me that has haunted me and hurt so much—I have better hope for it now. I guess it just worked out to talk to her easier—that is okay, I just needed someone and that was what worked. I knew it had to be her or one or both of you—no one else would even GET it.

Okay enough—I did find a Fazolis (-: I only had an address but I knew it had to be on a major street—I found it only going two blocks out of my way—and there was no exit off the freeway, but I go by instinct! I get excited when I do that. I thought about going to Mexico too. I didn’t really want to for any reason other than I am a US citizen and now I can just GO. People don’t know what that means—and I want to use it—but I decided I could go another time. So I just got my Fazolis to go and have good old Fazolis in my fridge. A full stomach and a full heart.

What’s next?

You commented on the last line of my blog when I said “Please don’t pinch me; I don’t want to wake up.” I mean that it is only this good in a dream,. It doesn’t work in reality—not for long. Sometimes I think there has to be an answer. What I want and need is so simple, so easy, but so complicated. Look at it—it destroyed me and Sue. Yet I don’t get it because it is SO SIMPLE. There must be an answer.

It has been months—I don’t know how many—over three for sure, and that was on the phone. In this year it has been a lifetime—ages and eons on another planet, separate from the world I once called home in my heart, apart from the dreams that carried my spirit on the wings of the day. Then tonight, in an instant, it was there again. I didn’t mean for it to be, didn’t think it could be, but after a pause longer than a conversation for some, my mouth opened and the words came out—“Lord…” I didn’t know what to say. How long has it been since I sat in a couch holding the and of a friend and coming before the throne of God? I guess in August, an the Sheraton in Pasadena, my good bye prayer with Robin—then a couple more on the phone and then it was gone. Until tonight—until Terry said, “you want to do some praying tonight?”

Yes!

“No, I can’t.”

YES. Desperately. Deep down. Yes, I want it back.

“No. I don’t do that anymore. I can’t do that anymore.”

Yes.

And I became the irony about which I have been teaching my kids this week. A contradiction, the textbook says. Yes, I want to pray. No. I can’t.

Ever patient, Terry closed her eyes and sat there. And sat and sat and sat. I laughed. I told her I could almost see Robin across the room saying “You go, Terry!” I sat silently, wondering where the words were.

And then I remembered years ago, on that Saturday afternoon in October when Robin and I prayed our first prayer together and my life changed forever. And that was how I felt—as nervous as if I have never done it before.

Finally I opened my mouth. And then everything went haywire.

It was EASY. The words flowed out as if they never left. And that was almost scary. And Then I cried. I finished and I cried—and I cried and cried and cried. The only reason I am not crying now is because I am writing.

This is how it was supposed to be. This was part of the dream. Why didn’t it happen? What would have been different?

And then the fear. Can it ever be again? You don’t make things like this happen. And darnit, I love it too much. My emotions are so raw right now, sitting on the surface, tender to the touch—and they were touched. What do I do with this? I thought I better just bury it all over again. I need it too much to want it.

In one moment I felt the old feelings—I became me. I could imagine, I could actually imagine that glory again. It was easy. And it is gone. Make it for yourself—oh, how I have tried. I told Terry the story of Sue tonight. That is what happens when I try.

So I tasted it—and now my heart is exposed. What do I do with it? What a wonder it would be to go to church Sunday with this open heart. To once stand in that sanctuary free before I go. But experience tells me, it will close too soon. You can’t sustain an agreeing heart alone. There is early prayer alone in your room; there is the prayer group you join, but there is nothing as tender or as special as the two hearts that join to enter the throne room together.

I forgot for months but remembered in an instant. And now it is like being reborn and dying all over again. I sat amazed at the level of feeling rising within me, permeating the core of my soul and spirit. I cried. I know Terry could see it but didn’t know the whole core. I told her, though, no it is not okay, like you say. It gets me in trouble every time.

But for a moment it was nice to remember—even if the ache to remember is there again.

I guess I am still alive.

Please don’t pinch me; I don’t want to wake up.

What a weird day. Anastasia’s dad would hate me saying my day was weird, but it just was. Anyway, the college called this afternoon informing me I had been chosen as a finalist that they wanted to interview. I wasn’t shocked, but in many ways I was hoping they wouldn't call. I know that sounds ridiculous. But then that would leave me with Clear lake—my sure thing—my old buddy, good church, tambourine team. So safe. So my heart will not be broken if I don’t get this. I still don’t think I have a super great shot simply because as far as college professors go I am under qualified. I meet the requirements but don’t go much over. I have never cared about publishing. When others send vitas, I send resumes. I am not typical college material. But 5 or 6 committee members (YUCK) will sit there and dart pointed questions at me for an hour on Dec. 1—the anniversary of the most important day of my life, I might add. I will wear my black pin striped suit, of course.

Thus my opportunities could not be much more disparate. There is a six hour travel difference between the two cities. One is quaint, small, almost hick, East Texas, the other suburbs of one of the largest cities in the nation. Northeast Texas gets cold, ice and snow. Houston doesn’t drop below about 40 degrees even in February. The worlds are very different—and on one of those areas my new life will begin. I am considering living in a couple other places if I work in Mount Pleasant. Tyler is a distant consideration—it is rather far for a daily commute, but I haven’t ruled it out ENTIRELY. The other odd consideration is QUITMAN! It is halfway between Tyler and MP and convenient to Shachah as well—also in Quitman I am looking at rock bottom rent and a rental company that will hand me the keys to anyplace they have open. Only living in Los Angeles could make a person want to love in Quitman! Of course then church becomes a factor. Tyler Metro and a long commute? Do I go to MP and go to Daingerfield where I know there is dance? Do I stick with PA plan to start a community dance team wherever I go? See why Clear Lake is easy? I move and everything is there. This is probably the foil.

Meanwhile, here is what happened tonight—as copied from a letter:

My landlord called tonight telling me that the meditation guy was very interested and had been approved but he wanted to see it again. he couldn't find my number so he called Dennis-the landlord--Dennis the landlord felt uncomfortable giving David the renter my number (LIKE HELLO DENNIS--it is listed on the INTERNET!!!!) Anyway, he called me and said David was interested but want to see it again before he decided, etc. So I called David and he was very happy to hear from me. I let him come over again (after acting like another friend was coming by too--renting is scary--letting men in your house...)Anyway, he came and walked in and said he liked it--period. This is the guy who said he liked the FEEL of it--anyway, he said he wanted it and called Dennis to leave a message. Of course it was too late. David is leaving for Fresno in the a.m. and then leaves Tuesday for T-giving on the east coast He told Dennis he is leaving him the deposit tonight in the mail slot and will sign the else Monday. perhaps I have picked up on a bit of my landlord's cynicism, but I know until that lease is SIGNED nothing is in stone. I am not out of my lease unless David is in. Still, if he leaves that money tonight that is pretty certain I must say. So please pray he follows through-if so, he will sign it Monday and I will be free! I will also only have to pay two weeks rent, as planned. He also wants to buy almost all the furniture I have because he has nothing--in fact NOW my conflict is that I might have TOO many people wanting my furniture!!!

And now it is approaching 10 p.m.—I am never up this late these days. Perhaps my Shachah venture to San Diego Saturday will be a wee bit more peaceful than I planned. Suddenly all the doors are flinging open…

Sometimes the quietest prayers are the most powerful.

Early morning at work. I was here at 7 for a meeting with the assistant principal and a parent. I didn’t have to come but I was very concerned about the kid—decided to make the extra effort. Alas! The principal did not even show up. J’ne m’amuse pas!

Anyway, I have had an extra hour to work—lots to do when you are leaving. I woke up much better today than yesterday. I am hoping that if the college is going to call for an interview, it will be today. This is the day they meet to decide who gets interviewed. I may not be, and really that is okay. I mean that because then it leaves me with Clear Lake and it could be much worse. For pity’s sake, how bad could it be working for the Doc?

The biggest reason I want them to call or to tell me they aren’t is because I have to change that plane ticket PRONTO! There are still some low prices on Tuesday. I need to save money in every way possible. Aunty Rose (Shachah person) wrote this morning and offered me her spare bedroom that weekend so once I leave the hotel I would have a place to stay—I even found a cheap rental car I reserved in case I need it—so it is feasible. But, as usual, I am IN LIMBO.

Argabuga! (that is English for J’ne m’amuse pas!)

One moving hurdle mounted. It assures me my new home in Texas will have furniture. Thank God.

I love my Aunt Jiggers.

The apartment hurdles looms. Dennis left a message today. Someone at least filled out an application—that is good because it costs $30 to do that so you don’t unless you are truly interested. But until there is money, it is my white elephant.

I had my lowest day yet today. I actually even emailed Darrell and just told him to pray for me throughout the day. I never do that, but I didn’t care what anyone thought. He wrote me back a kind letter this afternoon. He is a good guy.

But I am glad I stayed home from church because John called me at 7 sharp (that is a pun on his name!—and actually it was a couple minutes after). He always calls on a Wednesday which must be a regular night he is off. But I was glad to talk to him. That is the only connection I feel to anything family like. We don’t really know each other but it still is nice.

I got a lot of boxes at work. They will box my books nicely. Terry is helping me pack Friday night. Randy from church came over last night and agreed to buy my computer desk and chair, said he probably would know someone who wanted the couch and loveseat and would take everything else and either give it away or keep it for people who needed it.

If only things were more certain. It is only weeks away, but I still feel so far from home.

Everyone needs a Bobbin.

Thank God I have one.

Wow—obviously I have not been at my best or I would have written, huh? Truth is I am so discouraged about renting this place and moving that it is blinding me. I got a little light today to hang on to while I wait. It is not about the apartment, and that is the bane of my existence right now, but there comes a time you will take any light offered.

I had an interesting email today. This weekend I was looking at some churches n the Clear Lake area to see what was there. Although there is one Doc found for me, I still had a feeling it might be a bit too “seeker friendly” for me—and it is really big, too. So I was just glancing and one of the last ones I saw had listed under its ministries a tambourine and dance team. GASP! Tambourine… So I emailed the lady in charge of worship. This morning she wrote me back and said they have a team and she was sending my email to one of the leaders. I got home, half conscious, from work to an email from the leader who handles the regular worship services (they have one who does specials and one for another part of the ministy, too). She said they do both prophetic and choreographed dance and tambourine and they use patterns, too. She said many of the patterns they use are from Shachah and “you wouldn’t happen to be with Shachah would you?” Uh, YEAH! I was amazed. So I wrote her right back and told her I would be in touch soon if I was coming that way. They do specials and also minister regularly on Sunday nights when they do prophetic intercession like they do at the House of Prayer. GASP! Nothing is settled yet and right now at the point I am at that seems far removed—yet it is light. How I have LONGED to use what I know in Shachah with people who love and respect it. How exciting that would be. I think even Aunty could get excited about this move!

So I emailed Dr Hayes and told him—he will not totally understand but will be happy. I have to admit—I don’t really WANT the college job to work out. Not yet anyway. I want to go to Clear Lake where now I know I could have a god job and still dance and even play that dumb old tambourine.

I asked Dr. Hayes two things today—one, was it as humid as they say? His answer to that was yes—sometimes it is not hot, but yeah, it is always pretty humid. Okay, gag me, but as I said to him, it is starting to look like the only bad thing about being there is the weather and right now I live in perfect weather and hate my life, so that is certainly relative!

The other question I asked was did he feel like he was a part of Houston or was it more like a small town. He said it was like being part of a small community with great people (and he is a tough person to please, as he says himself).

Obviously, nothing is set. Just because the church has what I love doesn’t mean I will like the church. The job is not full time yet either. But at least it is something to grasp. I mapped the church—it is 4.7 miles from the school.

Meanwhile I got an email from Robin and she is going to meet me in Dallas Thanksgiving weekend and we are going to talk. That is good because I need to talk about this thing bothering me because now it is taking its toll. Once truth is revealed to me I cannot hold on very long without dealing with it. The truth sets me free, and the lack of truth destroys me.

So that is part of an update—most of the past few day’s update is not worth writing. I have been sick AGAIN—I mean I have just NOT been a healthy person since coming to LA. Last night I could not sleep for literally half the night and when I did sleep it was tumultuous and worry-filled. Of course that made my healing cold sink back. By the afternoon I could barely talk. My throat is still raw, and I felt so bad I could hardly stand in front of the class. This added to the discouragement did not make for a good Susan today. It was another empty day with no answers and fear of money looming with this situation. I am not doing well with that. It is the only hold on me and I hate it. And more than anything I hate that people in business don’t have compassion on people who need a break.

I need to be free.

Assorted thoughts from Friday--excerpted and edited from a letter to Robin:

Word is around the English dept. that I resigned but all is good. They actually seem sorry. No one ever knew how much I hated it. That is good. Hasmik hugged me today and lamented my untimely departure. Whatever. Better to go out with people liking you.

Pastor Dan and Cindy came to dinner tonight. I really had a wonderful time with them. They are a LOT of fun. They enjoyed dinner—especially Pastor Dan—the man who likes EVERYTHING! But I love that. My happiest/saddest moment of the night was when I showed then the Shachah video from two years ago with the whole Don Moen medley. They were very taken with it and thought it was truly awesome. They asked so much about Shachah; it seemed Cindy stumbled across the website looking for something else and realized it was the ministry I talk so much about. She was like “Wow, this is national.” They asked me about my travels—and if I was self-supporting. They treated me like I was doing real ministry. I am certainly not used to that. Self supporting? Oh yeah. I said other than one pair of flags Robin bought me because she felt the Lord wanted her to, every penny of that ministry money came out of my pocket. That is why I hardly think of it as ministry in many ways. It is just what I do. But I say that was the happiest/saddest because I could tell by their reactions that they would love to see some of that here. They actually seemed very interested in the way the patterns work together into dances and tambourine moves and stuff. No one has ever seemed to care—people are too lazy or scared of that structure that creates the excellence Shachah has. They didn’t patronize me like many people do. And it is sad because I know if I stayed it wouldn’t be long before I was helping put small scale stuff on here. But at what cost? –I loved them for acting like I was truly doing something neat and asking me questions. It would have happened if I had stayed. And I will have to live with that regret forever. Yet I can’t stay and live with the rest of life. I wonder if it is possible that one day will have fulfillment both spiritually and naturally. Why can’t ministry and work and home be decent? Not perfect, but DECENT. Here ministry could be GREAT but everyday life and work are so bad I can’t stand it. What an awful trade off. I guess the good news is Shachah gets to come to Heaven. Okay, so in Heaven we won’t do patterns and talk in 8 counts, but the worship will be forever—I have tasted Heaven in these moments. And all the people who never cared what Shachah was about or what it taught will see that it had eternal value. Sometimes I get so frustrated—I feel like no one takes a REAL interest in it and that is an insult to ME because that is the biggest thing in my world. So it was special—validating. Anyway, I went off on a serious bunny trail, but it was a wonderful night—great friends. At least I leave here with friends. They were trying to help me find a way to get stuff to Texas at a reasonable cost. Pastor Dan suggested maybe someone from the church would drive out with me even though I told them my plan. Cindy actually considered it herself but I said it was going to be too close to Christmas for her. And I was stunned. But that is one thing I do love about this church—you know all these family ties and boundaries that ache so bad in my world? They don’t do that here. It is probably the first place where I have seen the family of God idea played out so much that no one ends up lost and lonely, except by choice. Both pastors open their homes on holidays. It is neat. I guess wherever I live I now live with regret. Give up the greatest church for sanity or give up sanity for the greatest church.

It is like having to choose WHICH ancient method by which to be tortured.

Today's headline in the LA Times screamed "State Math Scores Leap." Upon further reading we find only 25 percent of 4th graders can do at least proficient math--and that is 6 points below the national average. They credit this ALLEGED "leap" to the new state "standards" in 1998--the very standards that make it impossible to REALLY teach and bind everyone to rituals that worry more about students knowing the number of a standard than the content therein.

A few blanks I realized I did not fill in from yesterday: The cryptic email was from Dr. Hayes—it seems yesterday morning his yearbook teacher came in and asked to get out of his contract at Christmas! Meanwhile he already had approval for a half time English teacher. The yearbook part is not yet certain since he has not officially resigned—the English is. He said that if it happens “it’s yours if you want it.” And I can have the English for sure. Thus, the uncertainty turned to hope. Worst case scenario is now I have two part time jobs—I could pick up a couple more and hold out til fall, I am sure. But I am sure something full time will open up—so it is starting to look like I am off to the worst climate ever! But KNOWING I will like my job and the teaching situation is half the battle. Being close enough to drive to Shachah some weekends—to take off to East Texas, things like that—that will keep me sane until I can settle.

Yesterday we had a real thunderstorm (of course on the news they thought it was a great tragedy and a man at church even called Pastor Darrell to see if we were still having church!), but as I drove home from work—on the first day that I had hope of a job year all this—I saw it in the sky.

A rainbow.

I am eating real New York pizza, chocolate and red licorice. Ooops. Something is up.

A good friend accidentally hurt me (not knowing it, I know, but it still stung) at church and so I left and ate my pain away.

I thank God for Dr. Hayes and the job opportunity. I can’t imagine how I am going to get home with my stuff or how I will afford it after the work junk—but I am ready.

He is my old friend, the Doc. It was so good to talk to him—and you know what? It was like not a day had passed. That is always the sign of good friendship.

I have TWO U-Hauls booked now—one from North Hollywood to Dallas and one from North Hollywood to League City (South of Houston where Dr Hayes is). But I just wish I knew what I was doing in the meantime—now I am going to book my storage unit for the time I am living in the guest house here.

I have at least a part time job--within a couple weeks I will know if it s full time. By then I will also know about at least one other job.

I told my principal I am leaving.

Hope came this morning in the form of an email:

Are you interested in teaching 3 sections of English and 3 sections of
yearbook?

Uh, YEAH!

Maybe he heard me cry myself to sleep last night.

I lasted about a day before I wanted to scream again in LA. It is pointless. But I don’t have a job yet. The things I have applied for are serious jobs—the kind where they interview lots of people and makes decisions—stuff that takes a while and is a longshot anyway. But Friday night Pastor Dan and Cindy are coming to dinner. Saturday morning I start packing. I bet I won’t even wash some of the things I use, but rather will throw them right out. I will place an ad next week to sell my furniture (I will save the bed for last). And I will leave. But I don’t know where I am going. I wish I could spend a few months on the mountain—work a mindless job and rest. I have no help anymore when it comes to getting the major stuff done so it is me and me against the world. It is scary. But the fact is, it is scarier to continue on as I am.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I always feel like I am in prison there. But I have asked for the resignation form. I am resigning. I can’t stand it—can’t do this any longer. If anything else didn’t show me, the fact that I become a different person (a NICE person) when I leave here is enough evidence for me.

It is 8 p.m. I am headed to bed. I guess I have really quit ballet—two weeks of missing it—but what is the point. I want to learn my Shachah stuff and prepare for the next seminar.

I need a job so I can start to have a life again.

The following is much of a letter I wrote after returning from Pennsylvania last night:

My legs are sore from dancing too much, my brain is fried from a 6 hour flight and my heart is hopeful with new friends and continued purpose. Thus, I conclude my weekend in the Pennsylvania mountains by declaring it another resounding success. The only bad part was coming back to Los Angeles. Not for long, though—not a chance.

First, Blue Mountain Christian Retreat is definitely my favorite place on earth. It is nestled south of the Pocono mountains in northeastern PA and is immensely, breathtakingly beautiful. I took more pictures this time I will email, later in the week. Take a lady swamped with thought and plant her in that setting and watch the brain clear. It got off to a rough start in many ways but in the end the clarity came not while hiking up the mountain to the prayer chapel or foraging for leaves on the ground; rather, it came as I lay resting behind the Shachah book table before ewe went to work again. It came silently but clearly in my heart. More on that later.

Meanwhile the main event often trip was the Shachah worship conference, an annual event that I worked at with the ministry staff. Let me begin with and overview of that.

Each conference I seem to know a little more than the last time so I do more. This conference I was up on stage as Aunty Magrate taught beginner tambourine. Beverly, my friend, and I demonstrated almost the entire syllabus—THAT was pressure—teaching is more intimidating than playing, but it was good. I could do it and that was exciting. I need to perfect it because as Ruthie said, they need more teachers and help at this point, with Maxine getting married and all. So I came home resolved. I even helped with FLAGS! That is a hoot if you know me. I don’t play flags officially—it has been my last skill coming. I know about 4 patterns. I actually went outside where the classes were on the mountain to TAKE the class and Max put me to work “Help, Susan.” So I was to walk around to people having trouble doing Half Shield (a twirl of the flag that changes hands) and I knew what well so it was easy—and then Max taught Full Shield (change hands and then come right back to the original hand)—and I could hardly remember it. I ran back inside when no one was looking and grabbed a book and my friend Lisa and told her to teach me Full Shield again. I got it and ran back downstairs to help people with that. That is the Shachah way—you don’t know it? LEARN IT NOW! Don’t make excuses. So no one even knew I was clueless. It was exciting though.

We did a lot of ministering in the services of course. That is always neat—if exhausting! And I even got to play “As David Did” again with the team—and I am leaning it better. That also is exciting because I have wanted to play that forever. I had a blast with everyone from the various areas working with Shachah I realized on this trip they are not just people I see each time, but they have become true FRIENDS. That is a neat feeling—friends who understand and share your heart like no one else can. Until you are in a Shachah seminar you can tell people til you are blue in the face but it doesn’t really explain it.

On that end, we were blessed by two people who DID attend this year. They did not know each other or come together. They came with their families—one lady seemed to know me (probably from the New York seminar—this as my third East Coast seminar this year so I lose track of people who know me, you know?) and introduced me to her husband. Later both of these men—this lady’s husband and another man whom Aunty met, were introduced to the groups at different times--having no connection or even knowing each other. Both men are New York City Police officers—and attended separately! They spent their days off at a worship seminar that focuses on dance, tambourine and flags. Seeing the lady’s husband, the cop from the Bronx who works 110th and Lexington in the city, stand up and twirl a huge tossing flag last night was so awesome. Women who do these things are neat, but I believe in my heart it is the MEN who will shake the earth. NYPD officers are hardly wimps. What an influence that was on everyone. WOW!

I enjoyed my time with the Shachah team more than ever. We are becoming real friends--a group of us dancers from all over the nation--people who would not have known each other under other circumstances. We minister to each other as well as the people who come to the seminars. Each time I go I learn something new just about ministry in general. What great training I have had. How blessed I am!

People at the book tables commented that they were thankful we would help them or answer all their questions or whatever--I told one that it was truly my pleasure. That is one of my favorite things--simply helping the people--teaching them, encouraging them. This is the stuff that matters. One of the teenage boys was downstairs with us at breakfast saying to someone "you go on, I am not dancing and doing that girl stuff." Somehow someone snared him because that afternoon he was demonstrating flags and even knew that no sissy could HANDLE the Shachah syllabus. Another guy redeemed from the pit of lies that says guys can't dance or minister in the worship arts.

I enjoyed good conversation with old acquaintances that truly became new friends. Most especially I spent time with Beverly from Okalahoma, Lisa from Long Island and Katie who works right there at Blue Mountain. I enjoyed a late night dinner with Beverly in Orwigsburg--a town with an awful name and so much charm. I enjoyed MANY talks with Lisa and felt a very strong spiritual connection with her. We also shared many laughs that all began with our old joke from the New York City conference in May when Pastor Michael would not let me take the subway to my hotel late at night and had her take me because she and I were both staying in Queens, and then she got us lost. It bonded us. We had great talks--serious talks, good laughs. Seems every time I was not in a class Aunty Magrate, our leader would walk by. It became such a joke--she would walk by and say "Susan Tyrell, why are you not in a class?:" and not even LOOK at Lisa. One day Lisa and I lingered in the dining room and they started upstairs. Aunty was on a microphone giving instructions on a dance step with streamers. All of a sudden the volume was piped into the dining room... "Step to your left, ball, change, step to your right..." And I stood up, automatically and started doing the moves as if I were supposed to be dancing. It was a huge joke because last year I did the same thing when a video was running. I told Aunty later how she always seemed to appear and how I responded to her even when she wasn't there. She thought it was HYSTERICAL. The night before I had been sharing with Katie at the office how I had to stay after dance class once and do a step 20 times I said I couldn't do (because failure is not accepted in Shachah) and as I was telling the story Aunty Magrate appeared "Susan Tyrrell--why are you not in a class?!" Fact is I did not HAVE to be in one, so I was not doing something wrong but she was just checking. But it was like she KNEW I was saying something. So then that day Lisa and I were talking we went back in to work the book table and I had to run to the restroom. It had all become such a joke that I said "Oh no, what if I go? As soon as I leave I will bump into her?!" It was a joke because she would NEVER be mad at that but it was more funny how I was seen whatever I did--and no one else was. Finally I went. I walked across the room--got to the pathway that led to the outside doors and there was Aunty walking in--she collided with me. I stood there laughing-she did not know why--she just hugged me. It was HYSTERICAL. So later that afternoon it had become the biggest joke among us Shachah people and Aunty was up there sharing and being very serious. We were sitting behind the book table listening--and then out of the BLUE she talks about how sometimes the kids might fall asleep and that was okay "BUT DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT IT SUSAN TYRRELL!" We laughed so hard we could not stand it. She did not REALIZE what she was doing. It was truly funny. I said it is a good thing I was not saying bad stuff about her. She would probably hear me! (-:

So there was lots of fun and laughter. And friendships--continuing and beginning. I mentioned Katie. Katie and her husband Mark are from New York City and the Lord opened a door for them to work at the retreat. I am not sure of the exact title but they basically run the place. Katie is the one who replied over a year ago to my email asking about getting a room for LAST year's conference. We seemed to hit it off last year, even in email—it was kind of funny—but somehow this year we became friends. Actually God used her Friday at a critical time when I needed someone and she was right there saying something I needed to hear but she didn't even know it. We got to talking more and actually Sunday when it was over I talked to her and her husband so much that they were worried I would miss my plane! Anyway, the rush season is over there, leaving her with more time and so we decided to email. I also talked to them about coming back sometime for a few days, just to be there on the mountain. I love it so much. I am glad to have gotten to know Katie better. She is the one who offered me a summer job last year. That didn't work out but maybe one day I will be able to.

The only thing that is sometimes hard about these Shachah conferences is that I am so deeply involved and yet I am not a part of an outside team--I always go alone. I AM a part of the Shachah team and any dances or demonstrations I know competently I do with them. When we lead worship I am up there with them, but I am longing like I cannot describe to have opportunity to do more. I want to take a team up there. I decided that wherever I end up (which is right now looking like it could be a small town area in northeast Texas) I am going to try to start something up in the COMMUNITY--not a church thing wherever I get to go, but a community thing. It hit me when a lady was sharing with me her passion and seeing another lady from her town and one was Assembly of God and one Baptist but both wanted to do the same things. I really encouraged her to get with this other person and invite some more and start working on the syllabus and stuff—to do it at town events and public things. Why does worship have to be confined to the church doors? So if I end up in a small area, that is where I will launch from. If I end up in Dallas, I will work more closely with Shachah. If I go to Houston I might combine. Dr. Hayes, my old boss, already found a church that is "right up my alley" by him and I wrote them and they have been in touch with me (three times actually) about dance ministry. So maybe it IS in the future after all...

Anyway, it was a truly awesome trip--I think the excitement of seeing people get this vision will never wear down. How much we take it for granted. Every time I do one of these I remember the importance. Personally I had positive experiences that helped in this adjustment period. You can't be on that mountain and NOT encounter God.

I got back Sunday night at 9 (midnight on my time clock) and had to do a work training today. That was tough as I literally almost fell asleep several times. But I get a day off Tuesday to clean up, do laundry and job hunt some more. It is all getting closer--I feel it. That was what I discovered as I lay behind the book table during a service when we had a break. Somehow reflecting on my mountain only propelled me more toward the trees of Texas.

Anyway, this is the short version (yes, it really is the SHORT version!).

In the future, conferences will be different. Maxine, the youngest Yap daughter is getting married Nov. 30 and moving to Austin with her husband. Melissa is here at USC. Brandi will be leaving in February to run the Shachah office in Malaysia that is reopening. Only Ruthie and Anna will still be here—and Valentine is now around, so hopefully she will stay. Thus I am going to work harder on the things I don't know so I can be more helpful. That is exciting. They will be here in San Diego in February--in fact I will be in San Diego Nov. 22 doing site surveys so Pastor Michael can choose the conference site. The annual conference this year is in Miami. And there is a Long Island seminar coming up that my friend is hosting and INSISTS I attend! I certainly hope I can--especially since I really bonded with her team and would love that! But you know what guys? This is my passion. Moving away could not take this from me--so if I have to work one or two extra jobs to afford my travels I don't care because every time I am back in it I remember WHY it is so important to me. I admit if I keep this up I really need to be flying in and out of DFW--these across the country flights in a weekend are killer! But I would have never guessed that the people I saw lead a dance seminar over three years ago would become like family to name and I would be up with some of these same people leading. What an AWESOME three years. And every time I think it is slowing and ending it flares back up again. I look forward to the next chapter.

Thanks for your prayers on this trip. As far as everything went--travel, baggage, car rental, even driving in the rain--all was entirely smooth--unlike the last couple of Shachah trips I had with logistical chaos. The six hour flight home about drove me into an insane asylum, but other that that I was fine! Seriously sitting in one cramped space for six solid hours--mostly in turbulence so you could not even get up, was like ancient torture to a lively person! for now on I believe in CONNECTIONS if the flight is longer than 3 hours! YIKES!!! But I thank God it was an awesome time of ministry and a successful conference. We were delighted by all the new people who had never been exposed to such a ministry before. But I think I can speak for everyone when I say we were most ministered to by the NYPD officers who took time off with their families and came to worship on the mountain.

It is truly the mountain of God.


Blog entry:

Before I left I was actually at a point of thinking maybe I would stay for the church. I do love it, but then a series of events in PA made it clear. I need to get out of cities. In FACT, I am actually thinking of moving to deep East Texas where there is no traffic or anything else like that-where I can live in a country house and enjoy tranquility and nature. Emerson and I would have been friends.

The whole weekend was incredible as usual. I will go ahead and insert some journal excerpts here and then conclude. Please keep in mind these are excerpts written at the time I was thinking /feeling them…

11/6/03—I’m on another plane—American airlines Flight 114 LAX/EWR. Sometimes I can speak fluently in airport codes… they served us breakfast. I asked what happened to the Bistro Bags. Apparently now I have graduated to longer flights they serve us food on long flights…unnecessary, but nice. So the flight is good—a 767, which I love—aisle seat right by the restroom—seatmate as much of a loner as I.

Time to think

Rats.

I’m on my way to the mountain I love so much. Somehow Blue Mountain became my favorite place on earth after only one visit. I need the beauty; I need the peace; I need the stillness. And I need to be away from both California and Texas—away from the confusion.

This is a long flight, and I don’t like it. The flight is fine; I can’t imagine it being a better condition as far as plane, seat, etc. But it’s FIVE HOURS of Susan sitting in a cramped space. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m already doing dance stretches and playing air drums—and I don’t think we are halfway there yet. Usually at this point we are about to descend. Yikes. Yes, the DFW central hub, convenient to all points east and west, is a good thing!

11/7/03—12:20 a.m. Another late night/early morning. I arrived safely at the Blue Mountain Christian Retreat at 7:30 p.m. this evening—11 hours after leaving my home in Pasadena! I complain, but the truth is I would make a good traveling minister IF that was all I was doing. Working full time and squeezing stuff like this in is what makes it hard. It feels normal being here. I have only seen it through complete darkness, but I can still tell how beautiful it is. I LOVE it up here…

The snack shop was closed tonight and after having only a sandwiches substantial food all day, I decided to try to find something outside the grounds. So after a horrific drive up here (in rain and traffic), I ventured back down the mountain at 11 p.m.. I drove to the town a couple miles down and everything was closed. I drove to the next village—closed—even gas stations. I drove to Fogelsville—also closed, but I turned and found a 24 hour Shell station . Man—20 miles or so on dark winding mountain roads—mist, deer, fog and I drive like I am in Texas or something. It amazed me I could have an ounce of fear. Most people I know would be terrified of half the things I do! But I like adventure, I guess. I did this hour long trip with no cell phone either. I prayed but that was it. The childhood adventurer lives, even if the free spirit is in question.

It’s good seeing everyone. At this point I have a whole group of northeastern Shachah friends and we just embrace with delight when we see each other. It’s exciting. Lisa from Long Island told me they are doing a conference in the spring and I HAVE to come—have to. Oh, Lisa—if I am out of CA I bet I can, we’ll see. I like Lisa.. I realized tonight she reminds me of Shelly. I’m sure that helps me like her more.

Being here only reinforces how much I hate the city. Yes, I want to leave Los Angeles. When I think of going to Texas, even though I don’t think I get to go home, I get excited. Texas is home anyway. But I love my church. I’m not really torn about leaving LA—only the church. I’ve talked to God a lot about that—in between wrestling with Him. It’s all on the surface now. I’m in truth at least—I realize what it is and have words in my head. Appropriate time as this is the early day of November 7, 2003—and it was 6 years ago to this day that the truth set me free.

11/7/03—It’s morning on the mountain. I opened the door to the outside and finally saw it again—and I stood there and cried.

“Deliver me!” I said to God.

This is my favorite place in the whole world. I’m writing this on a mountainside. I’m on my way to the dining room, but I needed a moment first. I’m going to read Psalm 5 and get on with my day.

11/7/03—later (after a conflict that left me a bit shaken regarding my moving, etc)

God sends a rescuer—it came in the form of Katie who works here—the one who offered me a job here last summer. As usual I started yapping—and she was so very encouraging about my doing what God wants. Of course I can’t tell anyone the depths of this, but it helped anyway, I don't think it was even all she said—though it was encouraging, but I think it was the acceptance that followed the condemnation. But she did say one thing I found very interesting—she said EXACTLY what Pastor Darrell and Pastor Jerry said to me. That really struck me—I think especially after what had just happened—it struck me as no coincidence that she would say the same thing. I forgot that that comment from Pastor Darrell and Pastor Jerry was what encouraged me so much because it released me from being trapped and condemned—it brought hope. So even more I think I appreciated it after feeling that awful trapped and confused feeling. So Katie was sent from God today—perhaps a friend—we’ll write. I love this place SO much. I want to come back. I’m hoping to get back before next year. This will depend on where I live for sure, and where I am visiting. I need this mountain. I can’t say enough good things about it. And it’s nice to have a friend here. But God did that. For all my God [stuff]. I recognized Katie—and her precise words.

11/7/03—still later

Put me away in the mountains and it is a safe bet I will be writing often! … Now I really think I am going back to Texas. It hit me in the evening service. Pastor Michael was speaking—though I admit I wasn’t listening closely. I was laying behind the book table and it was so odd because I was thinking of Pennsylvania and realized, I have to leave LA-I must have peace in my life again—in my world. LA will never slow down and I don’t want to give into that mentality. I love this mountain and while I can’t live here (maybe someday) it reminds me of what is important. And something else has happened. It happened in Texas, too, a few weeks ago. I find that I can really impact the people around me. I see myself making a difference--even ministering to people. And the strangest thing hit me tonight in this same moment as I lay there behind the book table—I was having a conversation with Lisa and she as sharing so much with me, but we didn’t get to finish. All of a sudden I was overcome with an urge to pray for her—I mean overcome. I literally HAD To start praying in the Spirit for her. It was very short but it was rolling off my tongue. I can’t remember the last time I prayed for someone out of PASSION like that…. This wasn’t rote. I see this and I see the way I could relate to people in Texas—and I know I have to go back. I pray for mercy in case I’m double blowing it, but I think the fact that everyday life in LA is such a matter of SURVIVAL precludes, very often, the outreach and passion I used to have. In fact, I think tonight is the first time in over three months I WANTED to really pray for someone. The same thing happened here that happen in Texas in October. I got here and became ME again. It’s still in there but how long will it last if I stay there [in LA]? No one may ever understand, but I have to live it. It’s like I told Katie—if you present something to a Christian that could be right and follows the Word and you come at it with passion and excitement, they will, nine times out of ten, buy into it right along with you. She agreed. I want to prove it. I’d love to do research on it. We as Christians all WANT these things to be what we want them to be. But that doesn’t mean it is God. Pastor Jerry is the only one who saw a clue of it….I’ve grown attached to the church and hate to leave, but let’s be frank—that’s my pride. I know if I stick around long enough I will finally be a leader in dance ministry. I look around here at the leaders I know. Some are mighty people of God, but others, most are just normal people—some people don’t have it as together as I seem to in many areas. It really makes me wonder—sometimes I feel like the loser of Shachah—why am I still the follower? Anyway, I need to sleep I guess. I’m really not very tired. I guess the mountain energizes me. I’m getting up early to be alone outside. It’ll be around 20 degrees, but if I have to drive around to keep warm it will be worth it. At some point I want to hit the prayer chapel too. But mostly I want NATURE. I wonder if I’ll ever live here… but maybe it’s better this is a utopia I do not shatter. Maybe it’s still so good because I didn’t haul off and run up here. If I can get back to Texas at Christmas, I will try to come back at spring break. This is my heart’s resting place. Maybe I’ll try working here a summer or something one year. But I think I will always come here. When I come here I touch God—and I see beauty unlike any other—what else is there?

You know I don’t analyze things like if I do or don’t want to pray for people or ministered to them. It just happens—I go with my gut. An the fact is, in LA my gut is not there. If I HAVE prayed with someone or minister to them, it’s felt like obligation or that I had to for some situational reason. There’s been zero passion. I don’t work that up or not. It’s either there or it isn’t—it seems to me that being at peace, that experiencing joy, that feeling you are operating in who God made you to be ought to be at least SOME prerequisite for knowing you are in the will of God.

I’m waking up in 6 ½ hours. I have to SLEEP! I don’t want to lose a second of this time, this place. Even some of my spiritual confusion subsides here. The very thing I went to LA for I can have, to a very nice degree, by visiting—the rest is dust….

On my mountain everything seems clearer.

11/9/2003—But it’s actually only 1:06 a.m. so I haven’t been to sleep from the 8th! I can’t write much now because it’s so late, but I’ve had a blast today. We had flag stuff so other than helping people with flags, I had lots of time to hang out. I’ve had lots of laughter today. I began the day at the prayer chapel, then collecting leaves, then driving the countryside. We had a powerful service tonight. I played the tambourine so hard I got a blister. I also felt like I did some real warfare. Being here has made the job and everything else seem worse in light of what is so good. I guess it’s a good thing I just had a moving disaster; otherwise, I would probably pick up and move here. One day I will spend a long time here—even a summer job would work, but I long to be here for Christmas, in snow, in front of a fire.

11/9/2003—

It’s the last day here—RATS! Have I mentioned yet how very much I LOVE it here? I am kind of a zombie today from my late night. The conference is ending; the ministry is over; I’m packed up and ready to go after lunch. It’s been great, of course. There’s only one thing I don’t like about Shachah conferences (besides sweating). It’s hard for me to come year after year to conferences across the nation and see the light come into peoples’ eyes, see them HUNGER for more of this and know I can offer Shachah principles and instruction (at some level) to them. And yet I can’t do it. I see people launch into ministries and bring their teams. I try to say it doesn’t matter, but it DOES. The point is, it can’t be my reason (Los Angeles), but it does matter and to say it doesn’t is to say God wasted three years of my involvement in this ministry. It matters. [I might] even form a team, an interdenominational team. I will do whatever I can and stop trying to make it happen in a church. It matters. And if I know I have the opportunity to continue with Shachah I will dedicate myself to learning more tambourine, dances, and flags—I will be prepared. It’s hard when you don’t have hope.

It’s a funny thing because I am in the lousy surrealistic dream and yet I feel like something’s going to change—where that shred of hope comes from is beyond me. Perhaps it’s fantasy—surrounded by Shachah, worship, my passion—who knows… I don’t want to go home, but the fact is my life is on hold til I get there. I feel more sure than ever that I need to go back—my only regret is the church. But I can’t sustain it alone—if I were married it would be different, but without consistent emotional, physical (even if it is just natural affection—I don’t mean marriage) and spiritual support I can’t do this. I keep seeing myself laying on the floor behind the Shachah table realizing I need this peace, I need to go—such a quiet and spontaneous moment, yet defining in my heart. My heart longs for a quiet life. I wonder where I’ll end up. I pray it’s just a place of peace and hope with God, too…

11/9/2003—I HATE long flights. Hate, despise—YUCK! I am thankful I can get where I need, but I am FERMENTING somewhere around the Midwest to the West. Looking out the window reveals not even city lights. The inflight movie barely ended—I hope it was a long one—my only clock is on the cell phone I can’t turn on. We could be anywhere between one hour away (tolerable) and over 2 (NO!!!!). In the end I look back at this year’s Blue Mountain trip with happiness. It was good. I’m in my element and I love it. I got choked up when I drove off the mountain. It’s not easy to leave when I know what I’m returning to.

I spent my last little bit of time talking with Katie—and then her husband Mark, also. Katie and I are staying in touch. I’m glad—I really like her and discovered Mark is a neat guy—very special people. It would be nice if this developed into more of an actual friendship—which I believe it could. I still talk about coming back one day—and I think I’d be welcomed. Someday. I need my mountain. I’m realizing how many friends I have scattered around the country because of Shachah. From Long Island to southern Arizona—from New York City to Norman, Oklahoma, I have real, developing relationships. It’s very neat.

It was easy saying good bye because I’ll see them all in three weeks for the wedding. And I’ll be back. I love the church but I can’t stay in LA. I need a quiet life. I honestly find it more appealing to live in QUITMAN!

I wish I knew where we were and what time it was. I slept a little which is good, but it wiped me out. I don’t even have energy to write all I wanted to catch up on! I need OFF this plane! Six hours—but, praise God, Erica (Crocker—the Hillsongs lady who was at our church) had it right. On my crowded flight I have an empty seat next to me. Wow! What a blessing. She said that happens to her a lot. On the way there they switched the plane and I got the nice seat with no one across the aisle and the soft back. So IF you have to have a disgusting flight it’s been the best conditions. But by golly, I need to a) walk b) talk 3) find a job! I’m guessing Arizona or New Mexico—scattered lights below. If we were on CA there would be no lights in the desert until just before we begin our descent…. How will I ever survive international travel?

A random insertion from my midnight dinner with Beverly (Oklahoma) at the pizza place—they had a country channel on the TV and some country song came on and I actually swayed to the beat. It was a scary moment. I think what most people would find surprising is how many similarities there are between East Texas and northeastern Pennsylvania. Shachah is rebooked for next year so I will be here barring anything unusual. But I’d like to get back sooner—spring break, a long weekend—anything. The mountain—in all my pain and crisis—drove me to God. That alone is enough of a reason to go back to East Texas or another similar place. Country living is looking mighty good (she says as she approaches Los Angeles).

A post-journal note on the flight: My time estimation was awful. We had over 2 hours when I wrote that—so we were probably near Nebraska. That flight was NOT fun.

EARLY a.m. And I just got home. No time to really write.. I went out to Dalts after church—like the old days with the theatre crowd. Actually Terry and I have done Dalts a few times in the old days too.

Barry and Erica were back—the Hillsongs people. Erica is like an old friend now—my coffee shop buddy. She lived in Australia and I lived in Tyler. We encountered each other in Tulsa and met over two years later in NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

It was Erica who when I was sobbing through the prayer at the end of the Dreams of God sermon Barry gave who came behind me and held me as I cried. And it did feel like an old friend. I can’t do anything but cry in worship now—ever since I had my epiphany…

That said, I am talking with Darrell AND Terry about it when I get back. We talked about it tonight. I need them both—they will get it-as awful as it is they will see why. And they will do nothing but love me.

I am going to SLEEP now at almost 1 a.m.! Maybe I can SLEEP on my five hour flight---finally I pack early, get lots of sleep the week before I go and then I sit at church til almost 10:30 talking to Erica and then go out to eat afterwards! YIKES! Probably the most spontaneous I have been in months!

And BLAST BLAST BLAST I love this church so much. I can’t leave it but I can’t stay. I can’t wait to get to the mountain with no email and no phones. Me and the mountain—and God. My God my God…

Come let’s go up to the mountain.

The song that has captured me:

Standing in your glory
Your presence flowing through me
I’m only standing here by Your grace
I turn my heart towards you
As I come and bow before you
I’m here to seek Your face

As You shower over me again
Your Spirit moves me like the mighty wind
As I come before Your throne
I feel Your awesome glory and I’m amazed
By the wonders of Your name
I will give my life to you
The God of my salvation and I know
I will never be the same
Oh no… in Jesus name

And on Your hands you hold the power
Of all things
And with those hands you welcome me
And I enter in

Words and music by Josh Franklin

I think the latest conflict has been somewhat resolved. Words are very powerful.

Anyway, Dr,. Hayes is still offering me job and I think I might take it. BUT he can’t say if he will have one at midterm or not. Thus, I might have to take another anyway , I think I would still take the college job or the Dallas administrative job if offered, but if he has a midterm job I might just head on down. I told him we need to talk—like LIVE. This morning he wrote me a new letter after I mentioned it and said he thought I would like the students and faculty down there. He is trying to draw me without any pressure. He wants it to be my decision. I have just about made it. I am about to focus in my career. It is nice. He is always KIND. That is the word for him. KIND. Sometimes he is a total man, but I love him anyway. Friends like him are rare. Why shouldn't I go work for him? Work matters—it is where you send most of your life.

No new answers otherwise—except the college will interview early Dec. So I will just have to tell them it must be the first. At least I have connections so that might help if it comes to that. I can’t repeatedly fly out.

I will then change my ticket and also my Thanksgiving ticket. I will not go to Tyler after all—unless it would cost me a fortune. But I can’t call the airline until I know for sure my dates and times, obviously.

This song has me enthralled. I cry when I hear it. I keep seeing the dance and it is the picture in my head, along with the song, that moves me to tears It might be the only sign of the old life in me... It is called “I Enter In” and I will quote it later.

For now I must go off to Monrovia to iherb.com where I will pick up my vitamins—on the 210 East after work—ICK!!!! And then I will finish packing, do laundry and get to church. I WANT to go to church—maybe appreciating it while I have it. Then bed and Pennsylvania—to my favorite mountain in the world—a place I hope to meet God and live.

FYI: Within days of giving up my pill, I began sleeping through the night again.

It is almost funny—the newscast is reporting on how the desert areas will freeze tonight, Jack Frost is visiting, they say. Honey, Jack doesn’t visit LA! Jack will be in PA this weekend where the forecast is as low as 17 degrees one day. Now that is cold. As much as I love cold, I also hate to BE cold now, so I am taking my HEAVY coat. Not usual for me.

More disparate thoughts. I don’t think I am returning to Tyler. If they offer me the Dallas or college job I will accept instantly. But the fact is I am thinking of calling Dr. Hayes for a job. I actually dialed the school number tonight but it was too late and they were gone. (Sweet man, he has already found me a church and sent me the website so I could check it out--they have "dance praise" he informed me--I love him. He is such a good friend--a MAN definitely, but a great and loving and faithful friend. Maybe that is the best place for me.) I am not sure it ever works to go back home. I pounced on it because it came from the mouth of my hero—Pastor Jerry. But it is not that simple. I might just take a break and go to a city in Texas and focus on my career. I will visit Tyler occasionally, weekends away—visit the old church—I am not a big church person believe it or not. I am a big GOD person but that is different. I have two great churches in my world and I am NOT about to hunt for number 3. It is NOT happening. Period. I utterly refuse the idea, let alone the act. So I will visit TM and NHFA and maybe even mail my tithes between the two. But I am done searching and scrambling. I am tired. Truth is, if I liked and could tolerate my job all year, I would stay here in a hotel and do just fine thank you. I have grown used to LA after this time. I don’t LIKE it, but I am used to it. I know to allow two hours to drive to Orange County after work. I know to avoid this freeway or that getting to work will slow before Glendale Avenue. I know people will flip me off if I don’t turn the way they like. I am used to it now. My sensibilities are no longer shocked.

How sad.

But there ain’t no way in Texas I am starting over again. I will either go to a familiar city (Dallas) or a familiar boss (the Doc) or a familiar campus (NTCC) and make that my life but that is all I can handle. My wake up call came today with email from a friend in Tyler that is taking out her overwhelmed feelings about life on me and doesn’t see the damage she is doing. I know she doesn’t mean it but it is very hard right now to hear someone’s complaint when they are surrounded by love and support and I am trying to figure out where to LIVE and find a job that doesn’t send me to tears at times.

Somehow I think Tyler might be romanticizing the dreams some more.

And one thing I have realized is that romance is not real life.

With the exception of a couple little things I am fully packed for PA! I have never packed so early. I am getting a bit excited about going. I mean, it IS my favorite place in the world and my brain needs the break. One lady—one I really like—at work gave me a real hug when she saw me this morning. She listened sympathetically—years ago someone made a mistake and her whole paycheck was withheld for weeks. Anyway, we both agreed I need to be in the Poconos.

So it is a silent day at work—no emails and no calls from Texas. DRAT! BLAST! I don’t handle it well after a while. Marshall Texas is NOT my first choice by any means, but it is better than this pit. I just wish I knew how this could work out—where will I be in three months? And will this season be over?

Life got more complicated today. The money thing did not have a very happy ending—and I get to live on $700 LESS than I planned. Not cool. This in the month I have a Shachah trip AND the wedding trip—but it got more complicated than that.

In the middle of the day my cell phone rang. Marshall ISD called to ask me if I could come interview for an English job at the high school. So I made a tentative interview appointment for the day after the Thanksgiving break. I called American Airlines and basically I can change the date of return for the $100 change fee with no additional fees. Adding to that is this rental car—CHEAP for Monday but if we get into Tuesday is crazy. Thing is I don’t want to pay that for only one interview that is not even a top choice—but if the college can interview me that day too I might go with it. Then a new possibility opened up at an education service center—yes, folks, teaching TEACHERS not students. I applied. I did not even know if I was qualified so I wrote to ask and they said I was. It would be working with curriculum which has become a passion of mine after seeing what is out there!

Meanwhile I was so disgusted with the district that my teaching morale was as low as it could be. I had a faculty meeting—for which I was unapologetically 15 minutes late because I had to deal with this. Man, you could have melted a chunk of ice with the look on my face. I was livid. And I resented being in a meeting when they cannot even pay me my salary to be at work. I stood in the back, refused a chair and stared as if I cared—or maybe it was not as if I cared. Hasmik took one look at me and asked me what was wrong. I told her. Then I refused a seat and told her I was sick of the payroll office doing this. I spent the rest of the meeting fighting tears. I did not turn on a smile or pretend. I have HAD it. We had to fill out a survey of our school. They MADE us turn it in, which is too bad because I was honest. It had statements like “this school is challenging students with tough curriculum” and you had to mark from strongly agree to strongly disagree. Well, DUH! A short story in our textbook has our kids so stumped they don’t even know what happens in it after they read it—it is hard story but the fact remains it would not be in a 9th grade text if many 9th graders could not handle it. Nope. It is all are we teaching the standards. Gag me!

This money things almost ensures my leaving. I did not move 1500 miles to be broke. FORGET IT! The problem is living NOW. I will get this money back because they can switch it to the retirement fund and when I leave this place I can get a full refund minus the 20 percent tax penalty. But none of that will come before I am to attach a trailer hitch on my car, rent a U-Haul and haul myself home where people care about people. So how I am going to make it is beyond me and yet I could not afford to stay now if I wanted. I am not happy. In fact I am quiet and stiff—that is a sure sign I am about as upset as I get. When loud people get terribly quiet, run! I am considering legal action or at least a grievance over the incompetence. Not even an apology came out of this.

Anyway, I am disgusted. I want to enjoy PA and my trips and not worry about stuff. I asked the woman what happened to a little humanity. She didn’t like that. No doubt she got paid a full check!

So things are turning but I am not sure how. A job interview is a good thing. The college also seems encouraging but that is very hard to get—if I go up against a PhD I might as well forget it. The administrative job pays well—it is a 12 month position but with the main holidays off-let’s face it I work all summer anyway. It pays almost what I make here. It is in Dallas of course. So I guess I would reverse the commute. Sunday and Wednesday in Tyler instead of Saturday and some Sundays in Dallas. I will NOT find a new church; I have two perfectly good ones and that is that. I am at a point now where I am fixing to take ANYTHING to get out of the job I am in.

Shachah wants me to do a site survey for the San Diego conference—something I did not mind until this happened. The ideal would be to do it when I go see David, stay the night and go from there. But that is a hotel I can no longer afford. So it means more gas and driving. I am not yet sure how I will handle Pastor Dan and Cindy coming to dinner. It costs so much to cook for people—that is the only reason I don't do it more often. I think I just won’t buy other food this month. I have dry foods and stuff. I just want to be sure I have enough to interview.

Truth is I cannot even see the end of the tunnel right now. I look at my fully finished apartment and lack of income and wonder how I will ever get to Dallas or Marshall or anywhere in between. I gave up officially today on the job I wanted because it would be easiest. I guess my second choice is the college, third is the administrative one. There is a journalism job near Houston I could probably walk into tomorrow if I wanted. But I want something I feel more certain about and so far nothing is right.

On that note it is almost 8 p.m. I am going to pack TONIGHT for PA since I have my list from Shachah now—thank goodness no costumes just regular clothes! YAY! And then I am going to bed. This day has far exceeded its allotted energy.

Figures I would start to feel a part of church now that I have decided to leave! Seriously, it is just getting better at church and I COULD be VERY happy in the church. I could go on and work with dance and do all that was planned and be very fulfilled—two days a week. But can a church you live 20 miles from and go to twice a week make up for the rest of life? I don’t think so. I guess it is a positive thing that I actually feel some feelings of being torn. I am just so unsure. Darrell’s sermon was wild. I told him I walked right into it. He previewed it Friday night because Terry and I asked him HIS view on our discussion and he told us a Scripture and said that was Sunday’s sermon. Terry kept hitting me and giving me pointed looks. It was kind of funny. I could not process it. I could not receive it. But I listened and took notes for when I can.

Terry told me the letter she wrote me last night was completely GOD. She said she sat down and typed and the Holy Spirit just came over her. I knew it wasn’t typical. She has never written me a real letter. So I will print it and save it until it can get in me. If it can get in me. She takes this epiphany very seriously and I am thinking of talking to her after all. Honestly, I think God is revealing to her that what it is is serious because I don’t think what I have written would be enough to tell her. So that is why I think maybe she is the one to tell. If God is giving her insight, she can help. And the thought has actually occurred to me to talk to BOTH of them together. I can’t decide. But I WILL talk about it.

I played tambourine in worship today—all by rote at this point. Then I moved to the side where there was room for my streamer and danced a bit on a another song—and then I stopped. I am sure it looked like the usual Susan if anyone was watching. And I have grown as a dancer in the technical sense that now when I worship my body can just DO stuff that is nice and ballet-like. BUT it was not what it should have been. I didn’t want to tarnish the dance, so I stopped and sang—telling God what He already knew in between. Then I sat at the altar and cried. Again. I have spent a lot of time crying at the altar in the last month!

We had a special service—communion and an anointing service after, but I did not do the anointing part—not at this point, but just stayed and prayed I was at the altar mostly but it got crowded. Many people had left so I just went to an empty pew. Diana had finished ministering to people and walked over to me—which did not surprise me in the least even though she never has. She walked up to am, laid her hands on my head and began “The Lord says…” So I listened. She did not speak to me at all other than that and I was glad. Much of it was nice and encouraging to me. She even use the language from the illustration Darrell used that also happened to be from and old song I fell in love with a couple years ago after knowing it since I was 15 “the Touch of the Master’s Hand.” But then she went into dance. After all the Texas versus California and God being with me etc., etc. (and much deeper than that), she went back there she started. She said the Lord has gifted me to dance (I resisted the urge to laugh). This on the day I am thinking it is time to take a break from dancing until at least I talk to someone. And then she came back at the end of the whole word between and said “the Lord has gifted you to dance. He loves it when you dance. He loves it when you dance. He loves it when you dance. And He is going to make a way for you to dance. You are going to dance.” Over and over. Of course I am crying at this point..

Not a few minutes before I had been thinking I wish people would STOP telling me things. I sometimes think people look at me and they see how far God has brought me—my life really IS a miracle—and so they assume that if I am such a miracle that God must have some great ministry or something in store for me. And I have felt a strong call too. But I thought, maybe what I feel is wanting to fulfill others’ words over me and this is not God’s plan at all. Maybe I am going to go live in Texas, go to church, worship, teach and live a normal life until I die—and nothing is wrong with that. Why do I have to be some great traveling missionary or minister of the Lord or whatever? I mean, sure I would love that kind of thing, but I think it was dreams of others, not God. So I decided this and decided I am going to tell people to keep these things to themselves (politely of course I just mean because I need to process God and not people) and then Diana says all this a few minutes after. So I don’t know how to take any of it. And then Terry wants to hear all about that and goes on about how her letter to me was the word of the Lord and not just her opinion and how the Spirit came on her as she typed. And then she went on about what she believes in me and what God is going to do and stuff like that. And I don’t know how to take any of it. I told her I was not sure I wanted to talk to her because I wasn’t sure how she would take it—but she could handle it. I don’t think she will yell at me or anything! I will try to set a up a time with her this week for when I get back from PA.

I felt sick again this morning. I am tried of spending some mornings feeling super sick. If this is what happens to me now I wonder what would happen if I ever got pregnant (YUCK!!!!). Seriously I don’t know what it is. I think maybe it is just stress.

I told Terry what I have been thinking—I do not WANT to go on a ministry trip to PA this week. I am SO not up for ministry and being strong and giving and chatting with people who have questions and demonstrating routines and blah blah blah. But it is too late, so I am going anyway. I can see it might be good. For one that is so NOT the real world. I will be holed away in the most beautiful place on earth (to me right now—it is my favorite place in the world) to me for four days. I will be forced to focus on other things. I will be praying in the Poconos, on the mountainside, the prayer chapel. I will be with people I love. And I will have no email to be disappointed by when the right letter doesn’t come! Because of my job hunting state I will have to try to check the cell phone. Last year it wouldn’t work up there, but I had different service. If not I will have to call in from a pay phone. I will be up there two business days. Not good timing in that sense.

I am enjoying being with Terry when I do talk to her lately—It will be hard to leave her. It will be hard to leave the church, but it won’t be hard to leave LA. But I would be lying if I said I was not torn. But I am glad I am—it is healthier. I will miss Darrell and Terry and Cindy and Pastor Dan and Diana and William (who will eventually move to Texas). I will miss what could have been with a dance ministry, but then I don’t know that I want a ministry anyway. I am having some serious doubts in some areas. Not core doubts, the basics of my faith don’t change. But some stuff does change as you grow—or get squished.

Tomorrow is Monday. Is this the week I will know if there is hope? Is this the week I might get an answer, or will it drag on?

I can’t believe in the middle of all this I have to get on a plane to New Jersey (“is a state”!) and be a Shachah person. This doesn’t feel like a good time! But it is time anyway.

Tomorrow I also get to fight with my district or LA County or whomever about my lack of salary. I have already spent a lot of money just on food and stuff I needed, and I need my money paid to me—or verbal fireworks will fall in Glendale, CA!

After church I went to U-Haul to find out about a hitch. I can get it installed with al the wiring an everything for $165. I am thrilled. I saw the trailer I rented. Golly, it is small! But it will carry what I need and the rest can go to Terry’s til spring—or summer or whatever! I wish there was some way to stay involved with this church and yet not live here. It is just impossible. And I can’t do it alone. I cannot live in LA every day, having all the ick come at me and my spirit with no counter ick or support most of that time. If I were not here alone I could. But this won’t work this way. Either way I win and either way I lose. Nothing is perfect. I think being a constant visitor here will be nice though. I think Terry and I will always be friends. And I think I will always wonder if I had done things differently if it could have worked. But like I said, no easy answers, no clear ways. Since I hate LA I guess hiding myself in the church is not the best way to handle it anyway. It feel safe there—but maybe it is Darrell and Terry who feel safe, Pastor Dan leading worship, Diana giving her words. Maybe that is the real safety.

The weather is so Texas like that I feel better. Monday it was 90 degrees, then it dropped to the 60s. It rained, got cold, today dark clouds filled the sky. Everyone keeps saying it is "freezing.” I laugh Freezing? Hardly! But at least it feels like home and right now that is helping me. Light and temperature and weather affect me DEEPLY. I am extremely sensitive to things like this (I can even sense when a light bulb begins to dim when others would not detect a change in light). Shadows affect me too—so the weather change is having a huge impact—and I am thankful it is a good one. Setting is powerful to me, just like in literature (another clue maybe I missed).

It sure is cool inside though. I blew out the pilot light on my main heater. I will turn the oven on if it gets a bit cool, but I don’t want to pay the bills. So I freeze, but it is okay for a while. It isn’t like it will ever TRULY get cold here! And the chill feels good. It is energizing.

Well, I am going to enjoy my evening. It was 4 when I finally got home. I have to really start packing now because I won't have time this week. I am trying to decide if I should go to ballet this month. Maybe I will take a break. The passion has to be in me even for secular ballet. I really have to get this thing out. But I am glad it is here because truth is heading in.

Soon my life will be n a 4 X 8 trailer, heading somewhere—across the desert to Texas, or maybe a while longer here. I am not sure I have ever been so unsure before in my life.

And that is surely disconcerting.

I have to go to bed so I can’t write much! I went to Jenna’s and we ate at this great restaurant. Then we hung out forever. It was a lot of fun. Nice to get out. Gosh! I actually had a social life this weekend. Most of the time I don’t WANT to do anything.

I liked the drive home. I actually like LA at night. It is more normal—fewer cars, beautiful lights. Maybe I feel like I am on a road trip.

I am excited about driving home at Christmas—especially if it is for good. I booked a U-Haul trailer today. Less than $200 for just that—enough to take the stuff I really need. I took four boxes to Jenna’s. Other books will go to Terry’s.

Speaking of Terry. I got an incredible email from her tonight. It was a response to the epiphany even though she doesn’t know what it is. It made me cry (everything does!), but it was so loving and tender. I appreciated it. I almost want to tell her. Who knows? Maybe I will mention it on the way to the airport Thursday, feel it out and see if maybe that would be a good idea after I get back. But that letter means so much to me. When I get to work I will print it out and cherish it.

NOW I know when my blog will end. I mean, obviously it will end when I get back to Texas, but it will end when the results of the epiphany are fixed and I am okay in that area. I have wondered many times if this blog could be edited into a book. I think it is going to be. It will take me weeks to edit it—it is almost over 250 single spaced pages, but now that I can see the God part I can see WHY it would be a complete book. I always said it had to have an ENDING to be a book and that was not happening. But now I see there will be an ending. I can imagine the epilogue. So even though I know the very WORDS my blog will end with, I also know the idea that must be there. And when I get there, then this will be formatted to a book, much cut out, and then possibly published. It makes sense now.

This is my blog book.

One thing I hate about weekends now is that it is down time—you cannot find a job when schools are closed. DRAT! So now I live for Mondays when schools open and jobs post on the teacher sites. Until the break I am in limbo.

I have been thinking almost constantly about my epiphany from last night. I think I need to say it to someone, but WHO is the question. I keep coming back to Darrell. I thought about Terry. She would listen, and I think understand it mostly, but I don’t think she is right to share this with in the midst of it. I thought about Robin. If she were close by, if we had an ongoing in-person relationship, I would choose her first. But it is not a phone thing and it is not something to say in passing. If I get back to Tyler and see her on any regular basis, I will tell her, but that is the only way I could—if our relationship were built back up in person. I think this one might be better for a man. I can’t explain that exactly—it is that women are more emotional (says the emotional woman) and so much more mercy motivated that I am not sure because of the depth of this that a woman could remain as objective and yet still help. It is very serious. It is something that has to be dealt with before I am truly past this. So the bottom line is I have to do something. Now that I know WHERE the tears come from, it changes things. It also tells me it is urgent and needs to be addressed. Gosh, I am learning SO much. But this one is KEY. That is the bottom line. THIS is what needs to be worked out for everything else to fall into place.

I am sitting here deciding which bills to put off til I get my money back. I checked the retirement website and one thing better here than Texas is that they issue you a check within three weeks of you issuing then a refund request. Then later if more has been deposited they issue a second check. That won’t help me this month if it goes that far—but unlike Texas it won’t be three months, so that helps bit. I just have to keep everyone at bay unless I can make them change it. I think it is POSSIBLE the threat of an attorney might do it since they issued it to me in writing and this is what they do for all employees. I have a case. I plan to win.

I dreamed about being at Tyler Metro and Pastor Jerry up on stage, coming into the service. He said a couple things that just hit home and made everything better. It wouldn't make any sense to write because there would be a log story behind it, but it was nice.

Dinner last night was fabulous. Terry is my kind of eater so all she did was gush over all the food. It turned out well and she was loving it. Darrell tried to eat all he could, but he is the pickiest eater!!! It was so funny, but I knew that. We just laughed at him all night. Terry told me make what I want and give him a side of meat sauce! So I bought him a can of Vons meat sauce and made US gourmet food. They brought flowers—pink roses in a mixed bouquet. It was very nice. We get along VERY well whenever we talk. The only issue with them is ever getting to see them, especially together, but I LOVE being with them. We see things eye to eye in almost every are. That is rare. So the conversation was great.

We reminisced about the old youth group days and stuff—I had a big old collage I had made YEARS ago in Texas or my life here and they were in lots of it so we looked at that. The rain fell outside, it was cozy inside. A perfect evening.

Of course we prayed. Wait, let me correct, Terry prayed, Darrell agreed, and Susan cried. I guess that is par for the course-maybe was even the catalyst in my epiphany. They didn’t leave til almost 11, but it felt like they had only been here an hour.

It is going to be so much better visiting them every few months when I live in Texas again. Funny thing is, I think I knew that all along.

October 31, 2003

I had a wonderful time with Darrell and Terry. Perfect evening. But I will write more about that tomorrow… Tonight was an epiphany,

It was after they left—it came as a result of seeing how my paycheck was messed up. Then I was writing to Robin and I felt that same pain. It was the pain I felt when Darrell and Terry were praying for me. The pain that comes when I pray in the mornings. But I could not exactly pinpoint it—until tonight.

I suddenly realized WHY it aches so bad and what it means. But I can’t even say it. Right now—maybe forever—it is between me and God. I feel some relief in finally knowing why it feels that way. I feel better understanding why whenever I get in times of intense worship I can’t stop crying. I have understanding now. I know why.

And boy is it ugly. Probably it is the ugliest thing ever.

Today it rained for the first time since I moved here. It rained all night. It sounded so beautiful. It was cold today too. It felt like home. I even got a pleasant surprise when I went to cross the picket line and get the last minute things for dinner—no picketers and a full parking lot. The strike is not over but they pulled picketers off one grocery chain—my favorite.

Then we had this great dinner and wonderful fellowship.

Then I checked my bank statement—wrote Robin, and had the really awful epiphany. And now I know WHAT it is. But I don’t know how you get rid of something like that.

I am going to bed with a book that I can live in for a while. Tomorrow I find boxes and begin packing. On Dec. 5, I leave here. I will go to Belma’s for two weeks, then Tyler. The question remains whether I am going home for Christmas or to go home. I don’t know yet. I have no answers. All I know is I am moving out of my apartment on Dec. 5. If I come back I will live in a hotel where I have no commitment.

Commitment can get you in trouble.

Today I applied for a faculty hiring initiative program at Dallas county community Colleges. There are openings of English professors at 4 campuses. But it is still far from home. TJC wrote me back and said part-timers can teach up to four courses (my college only allows two) so I could conceivably make enough to get by the semester on the two college jobs IF TJC can give me four courses! That is a big IF with lots of part-timers established already

I am very subdued today. Very discouraged. My greatest hope is becoming my greatest disappointment Two more periods and I get to go home. Darrell and Terry coming to dinner is going to help. Tomorrow during the day I will pack for PA next week, pay bills and work on my sub lesson plans. Then, assuming the freeway remains open from the fires, I will drive up to Jenna’s and have dinner. Sunday is church—that takes the day. So I will be busy. The only tough spots are Saturday day and Sunday night when the thoughts might be too much—and the decisions scary and almost tortuous. I am ready to do something just to have DONE. No road is easy, no way right.

The narrow road has no obvious path.

Lonely. So lonely.

I can’t describe it. It used to come with the time change—early darkness. When you live in it anyway, it is harder.

I talked to David tonight and my voice broke up as I said “I just want to go home.”

It isn’t that I don’t believe I could get a job when I get there, but it is the effort involved. I feel a crash coming. I am holding on for dear life and when it comes, I need to be settled in something I can do. I don’t know If I dare leave it open because when I crash I am going to need a routine. I don’t mean to sound like some negative prophet here, but it is just obviously that barring a miraculous healing of the trauma I will have to have a time of crashing and healing—that is just logical. And if I am living in Dallas doing temp work for a semester, I wonder how well I can handle that.

It is so quiet here. I am thankful. Barking dogs are worse than silence. But sometimes I think I can hear my brain cells dance in my head. When David called tonight or when I see Terry or I have any contact with a person I love, my heart fills up instantly. I have so much in me that can’t come out anymore. The last time I was this barren I was also isolated by choice. It was before I was loved.

Someday when this is over I will be strong. Someday I will be able to share this with everyone. The heart of it, I mean—the stuff I can’t share now because it means explaining too much of my blasted heart. And I can't talk about daily life and how it affects me because I still have to live it.


My heart is made of crystal right now. How easily it will shatter with the wrong thing—that is why I am caught in an ugly place—too desperate to stay and too scared to go.

I need a break—just one thing and I can make it. As crazy as it sounds I WANT the crash. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I want to let it out. I know it is intense. It is months of emotion—more than the months I have lived here—it is everything in me. It is my life. And I need to process it. I can tell it is intense by the moments I start to let it go. When I was home a couple weeks ago, at church I could not stop crying—but it felt like I was finally purging something. Last night when the Crockers led worship it was the same thing, though not so intense. I can’t let it out here that way. But inside me are tears at a level I didn't know I had—they almost feel like someone died. I taste them for a moment here and there and when I do I realize they are deep.

I need early morning prayer. I need to go to that dimly lit church at 6 a.m., half awake and see Pastor Jerry on his face in the front and Martha sipping her coffee. That is probably one of the safest feelings I know. It is easier to sense the Lord there at 6 a.m. than any other time. I found another job opening tonight and sent my résumé but for every one more than 20 minutes from Tyler I feel sad. I can go to church and go to dance even living in Dallas—with LOTS of effort. But I can’t go to early morning prayer. And while it may sound crazy, that absolutely breaks my heart. I think this relates to an image in my head a couple months ago, when I realized what was going on. At that time I thought there was no way I could ever go back to Tyler but there was an early morning prayer image I have not been able to shake.

I need that. It is air right now.

ALL of the recruiters for the Dallas school district are out of town til next week!

ALL OF THEM! They are out hunting for teachers, and I am trying to get hired and NO ONE can help me.

I would not want to work there permanently, but for a semester I could live. But by next week I have to be making decisions. I told them if I was still looking for a job I would call back. I hope that got my point across.

What are the odds that ALL the recruiters would be gone? The human resources office cannot help me find out about employment. That is insane.

And no word from my greatest hope makes Susan a scared girl.

Will anyone want me in time?

Over two years ago I had moved to Tyler and was experiencing my first identity crisis there and at the church. The week before I stared my job, I remember watching Jan in church with the flags. I remember the song. And I remember crying my eyes out. The next week I went to Tulsa for the Word Explosion to hear John Bevere. Hillsongs was going to be there on their You Are My World tour. I listened to the first John Bevere session and it really ministered to me. I stayed overnight. As John Bevere spoke the next day I realized I needed to go to my church the next morning. Five hours away, I knew if I stayed for the concert it would be a late night. But I didn’t want to miss it. I decided I had to stay for at least a little That afternoon I was running around Tulsa and stopped for coffee at a little gourmet coffee place. There were some ladies in there that I noticed because one looked like one of my old friend. They were dressed very uniquely and buying up all the gourmet mints and stuff too. I remember wishing I were with them because I was there alone and they seemed to be having fun. I knew they must be part of the ministry and I was listening to them.

I got my coffee and went back for the concert. I had not danced much in a long time. I had come out of so much ick when I went to Tyler Metro anyway and I was not back on my feet. That night the music started and everyone went forward. I decided to just be free. So I went down front. I noticed that the lady who looked like my friend was up on stage. The group at the coffee house had been the worship team with Darlene Zcsech and Hillsongs that night. Anyway, I danced and danced. I danced a lot of junk out of me. It was awesome. That was the night that was my turning point there—I went back to Tyler—getting in at about 3 a.m. and getting up for church. I can see it in my head as I write. And I twirled that flag in worship so much my arms hurt for days. I think maybe that concert set me free to dance. There were two songs that ministered deeply to me. One is still a favorite “Proclaim Your Awesome Power” That is the first line, if not the title. And the other I do not know to this day. I never recalled hearing it again. But I listened to that CD forever—I even listened to it every time after that I needed an extra dose of something because the song ministers to me so much.

Tonight I finally met the Crockers. When I was visiting Darrell and Terry in March, Barry Crocker had called Darrell—they are from Hillsongs, brother and sister worship leaders. They were there for Easter; I was in Texas. Then they were here the weekend I visited Texas. Tonight they had a hole in their schedule suddenly and led worship. It was truly awesome and helped me. But suddenly I looked up. I had noticed Erica Crocker sitting there because she had a unique look. And then I thought she looked like my old friend. And then during worship I realized I had had that reaction before. Suddenly I thought THAT IS THE WOMAN FROM THE COFFEE SHOP IN TULSA!

Then I remembered that night and the concert. I thought, I wonder if God is saying something… so later I asked Terry if she had toured with Hillsongs. Terry said yes and introduced us. So I asked her if she was on the tour over 2 years ago in Tulsa. Yes.

“We had coffee together” I told her. And she remembered the whole afternoon and how they spent like a hundred dollars on coffee and stuff for the group and she was shocked. She asked me if my hair was longer then. SHE REMEMBERED ME TOO! She remembered that day and started telling Terry about it. We saw each other in a coffee shop two years ago when I first went to Tyler and she was part of the worship team that helped me break through. And now she is here in North Hollywood, CA leading me in worship. That is a bit too small of a world.

They are going to Texas in January. I took their info to send Pastor Steven and they are sending ad MP3 with Darrell and Terry.

Sometimes the world gets really small—that helps.

THANK GOD! I got a dose of hope today. Nothing so magnificent that it solved everything , but at lets it did not look so totally hopeless either. I was fading last night. Still no word, no news, nothing, but I am at least pursuing some avenues that were closed roads yesterday. I have also had multitudinous calls on the apartment. Two ladies are coming tomorrow evening. One is renting for her mom—who is coming from Houston. She also is from Texas, went to SMU. We bonded instantly.

This place IS a steal in this neighborhood. That helps. But until they see it, who knows. I have to say this makes me a bit nervous—not the apartment part but what the heck I am going to do with all my stuff and no help. THAT scares me to DEATH! I am selling furniture, but how to I get it out if it doesn’t sell? And how will I get the stuff I am keeping places? It is a good thing my schedule is not really busy anymore, but still it is overwhelming. I just need a job—one of those and I am okay. Two leads but no answers. And likely they will entail a trip to East Texas if anything happens. I will not be paid for any days off I take—and my daily rate is high here! Though if it GOT me the job it would be worth it—and tax deductible. I hope these expensive moves will give me a big tax refund.

Anyway, I am off to church—after cleaning part of my apartment. I have to clean anyway for Darrel and Terry Friday. But I am throwing out too—I have thrown out most of my teacher stuff from here. I don’t have a job and was in absolute panic last night over that, yet I don’t think I am staying. We will see. Off to church… the rest of the week will be late nights.

Tonight as I drove home from work—late meeting and early darkness—I had a thought of driving down the interstate toward Texas. I wished that was what I was doing, not simply driving home form work. Soon, I thought. But will it be permanent?

Also excerpted from a letter to David:

I went to ballet tonight and all I could think of was moving and being afraid and grieving because I want to be in TYLER and not Dallas even though Dallas is better than here but I feel like I gave away my whole life and I can't stand it.

I got another call on my apt. some guy who wants to see it Thursday and is ready to rent--looks like the lease won't be an issue--2 calls on the day I after I placed it available in JANUARY--or the job contract. But I want a job in Tyler and there are none. I could probably make it the semester on part time college work, but I am scared of that too. I am CONSUMED with fear and that is not something I deal with daily--some fear, lots of other stuff, but I mean, it is like it is HAUNTING me suddenly. SO then I think I should move into a hotel and finish out the year. Right now, I will get rid of my apt. so I have no commitments. At work I either have to resign or commit. I have a deadline whether it is spoken or not.

Is there any right and perfect decision? I don't want to move to Dallas then move again to Tyler. I don't want to live on the road for the rest of my life. I am TIRED of ALWAYS being in transition. I WANT A HOME and a LIFE.

If a miracle were to happen and I had a chance I think it's going to take a long time to be okay.

Still I am even now applying for jobs.

It is my hope.

From a letter to David:

I guess I am also discouraged because although I know I can get a job in Texas, it is not looking good for the area where I want to be. I gave up the best and lost it. I feel like I will never be happy again and it is all my own fault.

More updates—in every area but the job! I listed my apartment yesterday and got a call today. That is a good thing even if the manager says not to get my hopes up. They are coming next week from Boston.

I tried to call Dallas ISD but got a voice mail when I was transferred. If he doesn’t call back tomorrow I will call again. I will call and write and do whatever it takes! I dug up email addresses and sent unsolicited résumés to people! In fact, I might add, that is how I got my job in Tyler—sending Dr. Hayes an unsolicited email. But I got a call when a job was open.

In other news my work says I can go. They will release me from my contract. So now of course they need to know for sure. I think I have to decide this week. THAT is scary. It is suddenly going so fast. If I had a job I would not HESITATE, but I don’t and it won’t be in Tyler when I do and that makes it hard. It is all unknown. I want to curl up and make it all go away and I can’t. I am going to go back alone and do it all alone. Me myself and I. The greatest of friends. An allusion to a poem I wrote when I was 15. Still me.

Belma is calling tomorrow but she says she can definitely do something and give me several days in the guesthouse so that gives the apartment a chance to rent. Thank God. Guess I will book storage soon. I am so scared.

My kids told me today that in the beginning of the year I was happier. They are not dumb. I lost my favorite student—she left for home schooling. Then the LA County of Education told my work I do not have a choice to decline retirement pay. Only I filled out a paper from them where it said I HAD a choice! I was LIVID because they wanted to tale out BACK PAY! I called the person and told her it was NOT happening. I said there was NO WAY they were doing that when they gave me a choice. She felt so bad she changed it. She said by the time the county catches up with it it will be after the first of the year—by then I will be gone or prepared.

I am having family-itis. I wish so bad I had a place to go back to where someone said, you know what? Come home for a few weeks and relax—job hunt when you get here and don’t worry. But I don’t. I know NO safety catch—no one will pick me up if I fall. I will be at Robin’s for a couple weeks near Christmas and then I am on my own. I won’t have time because I can’t job hunt at Christmas if I have to wait til I am home to do it so I can’t get an apt then because who knows where I will work. So I am in a bad situation of having to chance it. I have to hope I get a job and will probably have to move into a hotel or something. Sometimes I really want a family. I have no place to just hang my hat and rest. If not for Robin’s I would be up a long creek—and that was just planned for Christmas, thank God. I am trying to get there later so I can stay later. I feel like I am about to be a vagabond. I won’t have a home the whole month of December.

So yeah, I am a bit overwhelmed, but when I think of staying. I don’t think that would be smart either. HELLO! I need one break in Texas—just one and I can do this—but so far I am floating.

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be rest again.

I am really really scared. When I think of going I have no help, no home, no job—but when I think of staying I wonder if a job and a home are worth it. But am I about to do something even MORE stupid???

Last time I did it all the right way and it was a disaster, so now why not take a chance? If I fall then I guess I die.

If I stay I will anyway.

I have now applied at Dallas ISD too—and that seems a safe bet. I am sure I would not like it—BUT I don’t like it NOW. The difference would be hating my job but liking the REST of my life. And it is only a semester and a semester that ends in May—here it ends in June. Thus, it would be the lesser of all evils. The current vacancies available are in the region not far from Shachah—of course that is very far from church.

It is all crazy. I am desperately seeking places to stay in December so I can rent my apartment out. I am guess I am a bit desperate but I HAVE to rent this pace and common sense says you can’t rent it when you LIVE in it—the market is too tumultuous for people to wait for apartments. I just checked storage costs. I can rent for that one month for $11…

OH MY GOSH! I just looked at the Dallas ISD salary schedule. I would make only $2000 LESS there. I am in shock!!! I was excepting about $6-7000 less!!! I might do that just for the money. DUDE! The difference is literally the cost of my LA car insurance!

Okay gotta read my Bible and get to work and try to straighten out my ailing brain. I wrote the personnel director at the district yesterday and asked about getting out of my contract—Unofficially. And my meeting with my boss is at 8:30. No other answers yet.

I wish people would simply REPLY!

Standstill.

Nothing. Not even negative. Silence. But my heart cries out.

I have calls in with no answers. I have specifically applied for two jobs today and one more on its way.

No longer is it about teaching. When I tell them family necessity, there is no greater truth. This is serious--for reasons I won't blog.

Pastor Jerry emailed today. He was excited about the college hiring me back so quickly. It really helps having him behind me.

If only he could make the phone ring and the email arrive.

I had a definite mixed day today at church. Someone asked me if I was all right and I couldn’t figure out why. I was actually less obviously whacked out than usual! But I got it right away. Anyone who knows me know how I take shocking deaths and I found it immensely hard to be the perky tambourine player when Scott Bauer was dead, and across town at Church on the Way the grief was evident. I just found out last night—and I hate the shock of death. I hate things like this and they make me ache for the family he had and the wonderful church. I heard him preach several weeks ago. He talked about hope. It is absolutely devastating to imagine his family without him and the church dealing with this. Too many pastors have died lately—too much tragedy.

I love my church here but sometimes I don’t FEEL like bouncing out on the floor with all my “stuff.” Thing is it looks obvious when the “dancing girl” doesn’t. Mostly I wanted to leave when the first song started. Then, believe it or not, my dream (see below) was haunting me for various reasons. It was just weird. The sermon was good and everything was fine. It is easier to be here knowing I am going—hi! How FICKLE do I seem? But it is hard too. They did a video for pastor appreciation day—and guess who got left on the cutting room floor? I was not the only one—there were a few of us (it was not edited well anyway and I wish they would have let me at the editing!), but I saw it as symbolic.

It is no secret anymore. It is what I hold on to. I am needing it to be tomorrow even though I dread the return to work—I need answers, But my great fear is the places I have hope will fall through and then I really and truly don’t know HOW I will handle it if that happens. No joke. I don’t think I can do this til June. See the funny thing is I thought just being RELEASED to go was enough to keep me hanging on, but it isn’t. Only a few people know how much I truly HATE it here. I hate every day life. I stayed at church until 3:30 today because I didn’t want to get back on the freeway and see the real world. I guess that was good because it helped me get to know some people better, but the motive keeping me was not good—even though I DID enjoy it. But I have toned down the reality some after that first initial time of despair. I am not despairing—and have not been depressed in 2 or three weeks, BUT I still truly hate it here. I can’t explain it—nothing LOOKS as if it is that bad. It would not SEEM to be something one would hate. But I do. And I just don’t think I can make it til June. Three things have to happen 1) the union has to tell me I can legally get out of my contract (though I think the district would let me go anyway) 2) My landlord has to release me from my lease and 3) I have to have a job. I actually know what I want to do. But getting to do it is not that easy. And if everything falls apart tomorrow, I am not sure how I will take it. I am holding on. I am sick of the battle, sick of being sick, sick of the emptiness. I want to be me again. I guess I blew it—only I know I had to come to find out. That is who I am—no, that is who I WAS because I have learned a great life lesson. I have only shared it with two people—my pastors here and there. But none of my friends. I will find it easier to share with some strange group of people than my closest friends. The I-Told-You-Sos from years ago or the knowing nods will be unbearable so I have to hope they will believe in me without knowing. Right now I can’t share it. Not yet. I know. God knows. And my pastors know. Maybe that is why they can so easily see this as it is and also release me. I fear the judgments—and I fear the loss of a great friendship in some ways. But worse than that I fear living my life here now that I know it is not for me.

All I can think about is jobs. That is the answer. If I have one I can go and if I don’t I stay til I do. And I am sacred because I want to go home. I have never wanted something with such deep longing in me. I can’t explain it—the tears I cry of ones of such great heartbreak. It is wild. It is the last thing I expected. I feel bad at times. I want to apologize to everyone who believed in me. I want to explain it so they understand and yet I am ashamed too. I wonder if anyone will ever believe in me or help me again. I wonder if I would blame them if they didn’t.

Darrell told me a place I can get a trailer hitch put on my car. He was concerned if they would put one on mine. The U-Haul website says mine will but he said they would not on his Honda years ago. If I can’t tow I am in deep trouble! I guess I will head over there maybe Wednesday to ask, since it is near the church. The funny thing I have so much free time that I could go after work tomorrow, but I don’t have the motivation. Maybe I would if I knew it was happening.

I am going to end with the dream I wrote about this morning:

It is the end of Daylight Savings Time so I woke up even earlier. I spent the last troubled moments (hours?) of sleep in and out of a dream. In the dream I was on an American Airlines plane (that is certainly normal!) at LAX. It was my flight to Newark for the PA Shachah conference. Not only did I have trouble getting to the airport and it almost didn’t happen but then we sat, and sat, and sat. And then I was starting to panic. I was suppose to be on a mountain in PA at 7 p.m. EST that very night and so that meant I had already lost three hours and then the plane sat. I wasn’t bored. I seemed to have friends on the plane or at least people to talk to. I made phone calls and stuff. But we sat. I tried to talk to someone—I had to get there because if we wanted another day I would miss all of Thursday and half of Friday. It was terrible just sitting there. And then not long after I woke up and realized I was up for the day I realized the meaning. It has nothing to do with my flight to Newark (that was only the metaphor because of the fact that my flight there is over 5 hours and back is 6 hours and I never do more than about a three hour flight and I am dreading the time in that mini space, so talk about feeling trapped…) Anyway, it wasn’t Newark, it was about being trapped in LA! As a matter of fact I could pinpoint it even MORE accurately—I know EXACTLY what it represented. I knew it would show up in my dreams but at least it was not awful like some anxiety stricken dream. I recall being more annoyed with American because of the problems with my Boston flight in July and also thinking but I asked people to PRAY for this Shachah trip!

That was my dream. Sometimes I dream too close to home.

From today's paper... do we really have to make a LAW about this? Life in LA at its best!

Council bans public urination

The Los Angeles City Council, acting on what it described as a common sense quality-of-life issue, voted Friday to make it illegal for people to urinate or defecate in public.

However, enforcement of the measure is contingent on whether there are public facilities available within a given area....

Meanwhile the grocery workers union is SUING the grocery companies for lost wages of STRIKERS!!! YIKES!

I just wrote David a letter and decided to paste most of it in here:

Well, first I do not have the OFFICIAL word yet because I went to the leasing office and an assistant was there. But he told me what is TYPICAL for the boss to do and then gave me the boss' voice mail so he will call Monday with an official word. BUT what the guy said is USUALLY he asks you to pay for two more month’s rent and then they just let you out of it. WOW! I am thrilled if that is what they tell me too because that is how long I would pay naturally--Nov. and Dec. So MAYBE that would not even affect my deposit????

What I decided is that I am moving ANYWAY. Even IF I don't go back to TX at midterm, I am going to move into a hotel with a monthly rate for the rest of the time. For example, one in Glendale that is fine is $890 a month--that is less than my rent and takes care of utilities too.

So honestly it looks as if the only thing determining time is a job. Of course that is sort of a BIG thing! No word back from Texas yet where I wrote. The woman I wrote is out of the office til Monday. And then I wrote another person in a district about 80 miles from Tyler.

Anyway, Monday is the day.. I expect to hear many things and Tuesday I have my evaluation meeting with my boss. I can predict some of her first words "How is it going, Darling?" And then the facade will fall. Very nicely, very politely, I will say "not very well, I am afraid." And it will all change in that instant that I give the wrong answer.

We all think 1984 was a bit farfetched when Winston Smith is instructed that "2+2=5." We would never believe that or fall for it, we think, but sometimes we see it play out all too real. When my boss asks me how it is going I am supposed to say "great, thank you. FIVE." But when I say "not very well, I am afraid," It is like saying FOUR when everyone else says FIVE. Still truth is all that matters. The whole reason my two month depression broke was truth. It is always truth.

Before I walked into the landlord's office I prayed one more time. I thought and a picture came to my head pf Pastor Jerry in Texas and what he said about how we just need to pray for God to give me favor for this to work out. And it was easier to believe--sometimes you just need someone believing IN you. I feel so much safer now that I know he and Martha are behind me. It is, perhaps, the first real security, I have felt since moving. I have felt love from people and support from many, but there is s a level of security you feel when you are safe and protected—covered—and that is how I feel now.

This is my only free weekend all month between now and after Thanksgiving, and I am so glad. I need the time this weekend to do some stuff, and then I want to stay busy. During the week, time flies pretty well even though I am not exceptionally busy because I am always wanting to go to bed early—I think this is just all related to not being too happy at work and so I want to crash after work and then crash early to get rest. I am out two nights a week with ballet and church and that is a decent schedule.

This weekend I need to do the usual stuff like gather my bills for when I get paid next week, clean up, finish unpacking and even begin packing for Pennsylvania because right before my TX trip I had a hard time packing (of course I was also doing it with a migraine!). I want to rearrange my room too. I never settled in my bedroom after I moved in. So I threw it al together and left it somewhat neat. But it is bothering me. I need to change the bed and stuff because I have decided I need to be praying in there in the mornings. My bedroom is more a haven than the living room here (I think because the living room is so big and wide open). I am fixing to have dinner guests, two sets in three weeks, so I want to get everything nice in my dining area where I have some paperwork and stuff with nowhere to put it. I am going to try to get some boxes today or something and start putting it in there. I was going to buy a file cabinet, but that is pointless since I can’t take much when I leave! Does it sound as if I am packing? I guess I am. Not officially, and not packing up the whole house, but getting things together so that when the time comes I can pack QUICKLY. There is a lot of stuff I kept only on principle when I came here. I was out to PROVE that I did not have to give everything up. I also knew how much everything cost here and did not want to replace pots and pans. But guess what? I can do that in Texas. And the principle doesn’t matter now that I have learned the truth of the matter. So other than decent dishes and a couple Tupperware type things, it is all going. I simply don’t CARE anymore. Money is irrelevant. I will take anywhere form a $12,000 to an $18,000 pay cut to come home and I COULD CARE LESS as long as I can make enough to LIVE. If I did everything “right” here, within a few years I could be making close to DOUBLE what I made when I left Tyler ISD and that means NOTHING to me. Money is useless when you are miserable.

So yeah, I am starting to pack a little. I have a front closest that has two unopened big boxes in them from when I moved and I am adding to them. What I find most interesting is that I have a storage area in the parking structure that has two boxes of school materials there that I also never opened or took to work. They are ready to go back also. Of course God knew all along what the real story was, so it makes sense. My classroom is virtually bare of my possessions. I just somehow never got around to moving in—and that was not conscious.

So basically when I get a job that is the sign. I am worried about my lease. My HOPE is that my landlords will be much too annoyed to want to make an issue out of this and will just release me by keeping my deposit—which covers a whole extra month’s rent and enough to clean and should let them have time to rent this again without losing income. So I am praying. I have a call into the union (gag) at work and the director will call me Monday to verify that I can leave with a 30 day written notice. Of course all this can happen and as long as I am jobless it is pointless. I have a part time job but even n Tyler, Texas it is not enough to live off of. I had a dream last night I was at Shelly’s dance studio at my first Pointe class. It was so nice to have happy dreams. I still woke up once during the night but now I just expect it. I did not take my extra pill today and I am not sure what I am doing. I did not call my doctor this time. I am tired of calling her. And you know what? Even with a $15 co-pay (boy will I miss the benefits here! I have everything fully paid, which is rare) when you have to see the doctor 4 or 5 times a month it is a lot of money! Besides, I do not have a whole lot of money left over this month—between a trip and the expenses related to it, I am down to the wire, BUT I did save. The good news is that I am currently saving enough money to live on HERE in the two months I don’t get paid in the summer but I will likely be living THERE so I should then have some extra moving money. Also my retirement is coming directly TO me right now, so that is less of a hassle. And the best part about getting rid of furniture is this: Everyone who knows that my aunt left me a little bit of money knows this. I said I wanted to do something that mattered with that money. It wasn’t enough to put a real dent in my debt but it was enough that I could do something that she would like too. So I decided long before I even thought of moving to CA to buy some new furniture with it because one thing I loved about her home was her beautiful furniture. She had given me the gorgeous tables and I wanted to buy a couple pieces (certainly of a lower quality than what she had but that were nice in appearance) to make the whole room nice. Then I found out the money was tied up until Nov. 5 so I couldn’t do anything until after I moved anyway, but the fact is I won’t NEED to take my major furniture back because of that. It is neat; it makes me think she is still with me and helping me as she did when my mom died. I have really been missing her lately—I think because Christmas is coming and for the first time is years I don’t have a place to go and I keep THINKING I am going there.

Anyway, I should stop yapping on this computer an get to work. Next weekend Darrell and Terry are coming to dinner and then I think Jenna and I are going to dinner at a place in her area that I LOVE that has this Italian dish that I have been trying to imitate for years since I first tried it. Then the next weekend I am in Pennsylvania from Thursday to Sunday night and then Monday in Downey for a work thing and off Tuesday. (this means I will not be at work from Wednesday to Wednesday and that will help). Then the NEXT Weekend Pastor Dan and Cindy are coming. Then the weekend after, I go to Orange County to see David. The weekend after that is Thanksgiving and I fly out of here again for four days. And somewhere in there I have to drive to San Diego! Shachah wants to know if I will survey a site for a seminar they are planning, and of course I said yes. So once I get that information it will involve my driving down to San Diego, where I have never been so I am looking forward to it, and doing that also. So it will be a bit nuts. Just the way I like it!

I really, really don't like my job.

Unfortunately there is only one job open in East Texas and not only is it far from home, but it may be already filled anyway.

My nice neighbors hung their child's witch on a banner outside on our balcony. I want to cry. I want to move NOW. We can celebrate every religion but true Christianity around here and it makes me sick (actually maybe it does!).

In other news my Thanksgiving plans are being met with complications in Tyler. I don't think I am wanted anywhere and I don't know WHAT to do. As of now it looks like I will be alone and stranded on my birthday in Tyler until I can get to Karen in Forney--IF I can. So far I have asked many people and no one can take me. Still waiting to hear from one or two. I am starting to get nervous about this!

I hate holidays for this very reason--they bring the conditions that come with relationships out in the open. I am having a very difficult time personally with this right now. I don't know WHAT to do. If I could pay for a hotel and rental car I would but the prices are more than plane tickets for one day!

I am scared.

I am homesick.

I need a job.

I need out.

I am sick of being sick. It seems like right before I moved and ever since I have been here, my normally healthy body has been fighting one thing after another. Almost every day something is physically wrong with me. Today I am experiencing one of the two typical things—I feel so nauseated that I can’t move much. The peak of it will pass soon, and I should be okay, but I can’t sand this. Maybe I am allergic to Los Angeles. That sounds like a stupid remark, but I am telling you I can’t recall if I have ever in my entire LIFE experienced so many health problems. I still don’t sleep through the night. I am taking a medication that is backfiring. I mean this is RIDICULOUS. I used to get the occasional COLD and that was it. But right this minute I am so sick that I can’t even take my shower and get ready for work! I have to let it pass.

Later now and I still feel sick to my stomach but I have to go to work. Nothing else is wrong with me. I will tell you this—I believe it is spiritual. That may sound crazy to some, but I really do and I have many reasons for that. So all I can do for now is pray and that is what I am doing. As for the one backfiring pill, I think I am going off of it—which could present some interesting moments! Anyway, I am going to be late if I don’t leave now so I am going to do my best.

I got a new job today. I got a part time job in Texas that I will work here or there. I will be teaching an online English class to college students at the college where I used to work. I wrote an inquiry letter the other night and got a reply saying they would "welcome [me] back with open arms" and offering me any classes I wanted including online for the spring. I accepted instantly. That way if I am here I have extra moving cash and if I am there I have the part time job lined up too and don’t even have to go out and drive up there!!! PRAISE GOD!! The first person I told was my pastor. Get that man praying for favor for you and stuff happens!

That inspired me and I sent another inquiry letter about a longshot job. No word on that yet but I sent it past closing time in Texas. Who knows. A lot would still have to happen. And a silly thought I have is if I came home at midterm, people would not react as positively as if I came home in June because they might miss me more if am gone a long time and forgive me for going and returning! I worry far too much. The people who love me and are my true fiends will accept me anytime and the others are not worth bothering with.

Deep inside I think I have an idea of what is going to happen, but due to my recent record of accuracy (NOT!) I shall refrain from writing about it!

I am doing better in many ways by the day. This is not to say I am suddenly ecstatic at life in LA. But here is a great example. This morning my freeway had a major accident. There is NEVER serious traffic on my way to work—I have probably never been delayed more than five minutes. So I pull out and it was gridlocked BAD so I exited to surface streets. It took me forty minutes to get the 8 miles to work (usually 15-20 minutes) and I was almost half an hour late. And I was fine. First I figured it was not my fault so what could I do? And then I drove. I didn’t cry, didn’t want to scream, did not lose it inside. I have not cried on my way to work in about two weeks, I think. That in itself is a breakthrough.

I still don’t like work. I try but I don’t. In fact it is even getting harder with the kids. It is not them personally. I LOVE them—they are fun and exciting and it would even be hard to leave many of them if I left this year, but it is their language and cultural desensitization to sex and violence. In Tyler I could go weeks without hearing a single swear word—even teaching public school. Here I hear swearing every day. That affects a person—especially a word person. In fact now that I am retelling this I recall that it was after another swear word that I was inspired to write the letter about some jobs—not the other job hiring—that just came at the same time. It is really starting to get to me and it was like it just HIT me suddenly there in class. At my next break I wrote the letter.

And I say all this but there is that pesky matter of a work contract and an apartment lease. Hello!!!!! But I guess I don’t worry about that because nothing has happened that indicates I will go home before the end of July anyway. Just hope.

I crossed the picket line. It was actually less of a big deal than I thought. No one even said anything to me. I went to a huge Ralph’s in Glendale. Two things motivated this. One was that I needed stuff badly and could not afford to pay prices of other stores that could not offer me deals. The other related to an article I read in the Times about the facts for the strike. Basically it boils down to them having to pay a lot more for health benefits. But the fact is, that is a NATIONAL crisis. My friend who is a teacher here in the LA area found out her first day back to work she was going to have to pay some big amount of money for insurance. In Texas for two years I went WITHOUT insurance because even though it was offered I could not afford the paycheck deduction. This is life in the real world in a nation with a health care crisis and management and business running health care. So it is hard for me to pity them when even professionals have the same crisis.

Anyway, this night is over for me early—I am heading to bed to read and write and relax. It takes a few days to recover from the Texas/California trip. Even though PA is farther and Another time zone, I only work one day after the trip (and that is sitting at a workshop, not teaching) and then I get a day off to rest, so that will help.

I am encouraged. I think something is going to break. It is just a feeling, but I think it is right.

As of this morning I have over 25, 000 frequent flyer miles. That is enough for a free ticket home.

That makes me a little freer than I was yesterday.

If what I heard at work today is typical Jesus could be a long way from coming back. We all know that the Gospel must be preached to all nations, but I think we forgot our own nation. Today in two of my four classes the subject of Christianity came up. I forget why in the first class—in the second it was because I said I did not believe in celebrating Halloween when they asked. I had kids ask me about the Bible and what was in it. One girl said “I kind of feel bad because I am Christian and I have never read the Bible.” Cultural Christianity at work. Another said she reads a page in hotel rooms and that is it. Others wanted to know why they called Mary the Virgin Mary when she had a baby. That was a great question because I got to share about the Holy Spirit and Jesus’ birth. One girl stayed after class to ask me more questions about Jesus and why we give gifts ant Christmas.

And my heart broke. I have never ever met a group of kids so unchurched and clueless about the Lord. It isn’t their fault—and it is no wonder that their Instant Messenger profiles are filled with the F-word and when I read them a book about a 10 year old girl they perceive half her comments as sexual. It is sick—but they can’t help it. In my groups of students in Texas I had mostly church kids, of course. But I had a select group that was definitely anti-God and clueless. So shouldn’t it at least be REVERSED here? But it isn’t. I have a few kids who go to church. But I can’t think of ONE KID I can pinpoint as a serious Christian who really understand it. And it is heartbreaking.

I am not in a great position to make a difference. I sponsor no groups (I tried but it didn’t work out). I don’t have a way to get these kids to church—too far away. So it is hard because answering a few questions in class won’t save anyone. They know I am different but they don’t REALLY get it. Maybe it is some sort of lame little seed I am planting, but boy do I feel useless!

This is our next generation—all freshmen in my classes. Average age 14.

Meanwhile even our SCHOOL is having a Halloween contest on Halloween. They encourage the celebration. I am not coming to work that day—I battle enough spirits on an ordinary day!

Anyway, all else is relatively calm. The holding pattern continues and I just want to get home. I am making no secret anymore about leaving—even at work. The kids know even that this is a one year job. Why pretend? And it helps me better to hang on.

Sometimes I look at this year thing, and it doesn’t feel like I going to be here the whole year, but if I am not that would probably mean breaking a lease and owing lots of money or being fired or some such awful thing—and I sure don’t want THAT to happen as much as I want to go home, so maybe that is just because I am ready to go now!

I have church tonight—that helps. And the rest of the calendar will go quickly but after Christmas it will be tough. Feb. 6 is a Shachah conference in San Diego so that will be helpful. The next weekend I have a long weekend so I plan to fly to Texas. Spring break is April 5-9 and then it is another more than two months before school is out. And THEN I have another month before I can come home! AHHH!!!!!!!!! But at least I can do stuff like sell my things and maybe work some part time jobs to make extra money to move.

I am on the plane on my way home.

Rats.

I burst into tears again as I departed Tyler, walking outside to the little plane, seeing the trees in the distance. I mean, the tears freely flow now—the truth is out but at least that makes it easier.

What I find especially interesting about my quest of late is that my two pastors agree with each other but what they say differs from what most everyone else says. BOTH of them say that in MOST cases geographical location doesn’t matter to God. I suspected Pastor Jerry was going to tell me this, as Pastor Darrell did only 5 days ago.

Most of my friends are still on the idea that Los Angeles was God’s will OR don’t LEAVE Los Angeles without a clear word from God. Pastor Jerry actually said what I have tried to say to others that many did not agree with. He said, if you do something and it does not work out, go back to what WAS working. The reason I ever said that is because it is a biblical principle I was taught. And that was exactly what Pastor Jerry said.

My visit was him was the most helpful discussion I have had since this journey began. I did not talk much at all (yes, really!). He asked me how it was going out there and I told him that is why I was there—that I hated it and I wanted advice from someone I respected spiritually who was also uninvolved in my daily life. And once I told him it wasn’t working he didn't need reasons or anything. He just started talking and it was GREAT because it was like my own personal sermon. He was very surprised when I told him that his message yesterday continued the last message he had preached when I was there. He had thought it was only a few weeks ago. And interestingly enough, much of the basis for the advice he gave me actually was on the topic of that SAME sermon and idea. Anyway he did not need to know why—he just began talking to me about what he thought and I think that he knew better than anyone that it wasn’t going to work. Maybe we all want those spiritual fantasies I chased. Maybe we all want to believe that the way a woman believes for a knight in shining armor. And he is so settled and stable that maybe he could see it clearer. He was probably less disappointed than anyone—not that ANYONE has been jerky to me at all—but I think he knew. He wasn’t SURE it was not going to work—and he would have been happy had it, but I got no lectures about giving it longer or anything else. Truth is he looked at me like I think a father would look at me and said “what I would like to see happen is for you to come home and continue where you left off.”

That might sound about extreme to anyone who was not there hearing the in between, but it made sense in context. He spoke to me as a pastor who had been watching me in the church—loved, like a well-watered plant, he said. If the plant is growing at the front of the house, and you move it to the back and it doesn’t get enough light, then replant it. He thinks I should be replanted. Now what was very interesting to me is that HE spoke the same verse Terry did about my GOING to LA in context of returning—or even of just BEING in Tyler. I cried several times as I talked to him and might have been the most prolific of the tears, although I never burst out sobbing or anything.

His biggest reasoning was related to the relationships he saw forming at the church. He saw more than I thought he knew—and he knew more than he saw. He gave a compelling argument without arguing. He is certainly no fool, not then I never thought he was anything less than filled with the wisdom of the Spirit. Not only is he one of the most spiritual men I know but one of the most PRACTICAL—something even he discussed—being pragmatic. He is not the type to label everything as GOD SAID TO DO THIS AND GOD TOLD ME THAT. He says—and has preached this—that that is a sign of spiritual IMMATURITY. And I agree with that much. He says if you really hear from God that much then you would be so spiritual you would be out of this world. You have to consider the source of this comment—one of the most godly men I know and have ever met in my life. So I trust that balance.

Balance was the KEY word today. He has a lot of insight into my life and I welcome it. One time a long time ago when something happened Martha called me and commented that Pastor Jerry sees me almost like a daughter, “like Camilla or Carissa,” she said. Well, I obviously thought that was a bit extreme but the sentiment was nice. But that is how I felt today—not like I was under the hand of my removed pastor, but almost a spiritual father. Back to the verse from Terry that he quoted and what he thinks is important too. BALANCE—and how it plays out in my life. Some of his comments were too much for a blog entry—they either would not make sense or were just a bit personal for the random audience that might peruse this, but they made perfect sense.

He also told me what had been going on in his mind when I went to him about leaving. He was honest when he said he saw no red flags and could place his blessing on it. But he had some other thoughts too. But he did not feel it was right to share them and he told me why. One reason is that he knew I was not ready to hear it—and I said that before he even did. He said he thought if he DID tell me all of it that it could potentially send a person into rebellion. He said because he did feel he could bless it he chose to just love me and to lead the church to love me in the move. For that alone I love him. He also said that he believed I was strong enough that if it did NOT work out I would not give up and die. He said had it been someone else, perhaps that he did not believe that about, he might have tried to convince that person to stay.

There is more to all this. Before I knew it two hours had passed and I had said little. I am honored to have sat there for two hours hearing the wisdom I did. The gist of everything he said was basically this: Okay, it is not working—so come home and rejoin your life, pick up where you left off and be with your family that loves you. Wow! I asked him if he really believed I could just pick up and rejoin my life and he said he thought I could. Later at Richard and Becky’s, Richard reminded me of something Camilla told me a couple years ago about a very godly couple in our church, leaders who got in their Ryder truck and moved to another state and felt so wrong about it that they never spent a night in the new state before coming back home. I had forgotten ever knowing that until today. But I needed to hear that. These people are a mighty couple of God, still leaders who are right on with the Lord. I guess they came right back in—I am sure there was a process but I sat in that Sunday School class Sunday and you would never know it. Mistakes are not the same as rebellious sin. No one hears perfect all the time. And God, as Darrell pointed out, is so gracious and good. He sees the heart. Nothing is irreversible.

Anyway, I expected encouragement from Pastor Jerry, and I expected love because that is who he is, but I am not sure I expected him to tell me more strongly than anyone to come home. I mean, he did not say I was a clueless jerk and needed to get my rear end back to Texas or anything so harsh, but what he said was out of his observations and wisdom. And how beautiful it felt. There is no doubt if that did happen he would again “lead the church to love [me].”

Until this trip Tyler was NOT a place I thought about moving again. After all I have worked for the only school district that paid decently so where does that leave me? But after Sunday in church it was like I knew I had to try. When Pastor said all he did, there was no question. It may not happen. Bottom line is that I could not afford to work for a place like Whitehouse or Chapel Hill so it would have to be a miracle, but I have a mighty man of God praying for that miracle.

Pastor Darrell, in essence, said to come home after our talk—not as directly and not with as much personal observation, but mostly because he sees the pain. I cannot ignore that the fact that as soon as my feet touched down in Tyler I became ME again. Do I love Tyler? No, I don’t, in many logistical ways. It is small and affords few opportunities for a single woman. There is not even a major freeway for 20 miles. But it is not a bad place. Too much like a small town at times, but small towns have their charm. People are so nice. Church is a good thing, and Tyler fits my mentality in many ways. I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my LIFE there, but I know that as annoying as it can be, I do LOVE Tyler, Texas also. Richard Hicks laughs and laughs now! Beverly had a FIELD DAY! We met at the airport as she and James were arriving and I was leaving. “Eat crow!” she commanded laughing, while James smirked beside her. Then Richard arrived to pick them up and I repeated loudly, multiple times: “Rednecks are cool. I love Texas. Rednecks are cool. I love Texas!” They LOVED it. But I also know despite the jokes (and they are NOT rednecks—also a joke), that they will show me grace.

I bought a bumper sticker in the airport that could get me SHOT if I put it on my car in LA. It says

I wasn’t born in Texas but I got there as fast as I could

Carissa told us about Pastor Jerry taking then to see the Alamo as teenagers and how she was bored and Pastor stood there saying “Let’s just take in this moment.” We laughed about it at lunch. I told Pastor how Carissa had shared that (barring the bored comment!) and how now I understand his love for Texas. He asked me: “Have you ever been to the Alamo?” I told him I had not, but would like to go now. He looked very passionate and said “It’s phenomenal.” I smiled, thinking of Carissa. We laugh about it but it is nice and we all know it.

Anyway, I left at 1, knowing I would be back in a few weeks and again at Christmas. Pastor Steven was standing there speaking in my ear like an orator “COOOMMMME BAAAACCK…. COOOOMMMMME BAAAACCK.”

Hang on to your dancing shoes. I might just do that Pastor Steven.

My pastor rocks.

I don't have time right now to write about my visit with Pastor Jerry, but it helped a lot. It is a good thing that BEFORE the visit I said all I did about loving and respecting him so much so now it doesn’t just look like I am happy because he said something I liked! Actually what he said surprised me. He even said if he had more time he might try to spread it out but I was here NOW and so he was just saying it. I told him that was fine; I didn’t come here for candy coating. It was a very nice talk, but he said a lot of things he had thought that gave me good insight. What was interesting is he said all he did just based on the OVERVIEW I gave him—not the details—I didn’t even get that far.

It helped—and will help me make it better when I get back to LA. I will write in more details after I get back—I don’t want to waste my last few hours home writing about something I can write about anytime, but check back for the update. I am not sure in how much detail I will post. But for now it I enough to say that he helped immensely and of course every word he spoke was interwoven with God—but that is exactly why I went to him. And I am so glad I did.

If I had to pick one human hero, I think it would be Pastor Jerry. But I have said that for a long time now, so that is hardly a revelation.

Just a renewal.

A very very ironic and interesting PS after our conversation happened when I got back to Beverly’s after meeting with Pastor Jerry, I happened to look at the Caller ID—before when I have stayed here people who know I am here will call but don’t always leave messages, so I sometimes look—and especially right now my cell phone battery is almost dead since the lighter plug in my rental car is broken, so her phone is mostly my mode of communication if I need it. Well, I looked at it and one call had come while I was gone. The call came form the newsroom at the school I used to work at—only my kids 1) don’t know I am here and 2) don’t know Beverly’s number anyway. The best I could figure was it was Allyson calling over here… maybe…. If it is an A day that could be it. Otherwise it was just the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. It was not the SCHOOL number—it was the private classroom line!

This is the day I return to Los Angeles. The thought makes me very sad. But in the true tradition of my recent health, I still feel sick to my stomach so it is appropriate. How I would love to be healthy again!

I just returned from early morning prayer. It was utterly blissful. I don’t believe there is any more peaceful place than the sanctuary of that church at 6 a.m. I almost missed it. As tired as I was, I woke up at five and fell back asleep. At 5:45—out of dreams of day labor and lost jobs in LA—I awoke, shocked. I did not know I could take a shower and be out the shower as fast as I was, but when I arrived Martha had not even finished making the coffee in the back. And then I sat down and all the old feelings settled over me. It could have been any 6 a.m. on any day in East Texas. It felt so familiar in all the right ways. There was Pastor Jerry on his face up front, Martha in her place. At first no one else was there. Oh if only those people KNEW what they were missing—but that is my theme lately. One person came late, but that was it. I liked it though—more quiet. I basked in it. I read my Bible and it was more alive to me than usual in that quiet place. It felt so good—all of it was so wonderful. And then I cried. I am sure I don’t have to explain why.

We visited some afterwards, Pastor and Martha and me. Pastor said “So, you have gotten all settled in there?” And I made my usual “it is a wild place” comment—he is a very smart man and took the hint—we will save that for later! It was nice to sit and visit with them, though. It was nice to be home.

Well, I am headed out to the nature trail. It is very cool here this morning. I am not used to being cold anymore. I remember complaining fiercely about the plethora of rain early this year. Now I must say it would be nice to see some variety. Goodness, the daily sun and haze is getting old. I haven’t seen a raindrop in three months. I find that interesting as well. Ever since I have started traveling I have seen rain on EVERY trip I have taken—I don’t mean bad rain that ruined the trip—I mean just some rain and it is usually nice—and it never ruined a trip even when it was inconvenient. But I have been in California for almost three months—a whole season—and not seen any rain.

Symbolically that says a lot even though it is a sign for nothing.

Just a few hours til I get to talk to Pastor Jerry—That is my only hope to not come home sobbing.

Uh, oh!

That is my reaction to church today. I could not have had a better day if someone had rolled out the red carpet—actually it was better than that because it was like being HOME. Some people did rush to hug me, of course, because they did not know I was coming, but since most did know and since I had been gone less than three months, not years, it was more like joy at seeing each other than some grand excitement.

Maybe that was the problem—being at home. And then I thought maybe the church had just changed but it was not that—we just HAPPENED to have the most incredible service. They had planned to sing “Days of Elijah” today and the dancers have a dance with the glory hoops for that. Jan got them out and got a couple extra for me—not to officially do the dance but to use them in the flavor of the dance. And that did it. It started before then—with “freedom” and with Arthur. But that song did it for me. To be there with the dance team in the front of the church—I broke through the walls in me because I knew I was safe and free there. And I DANCED. I danced harder than I do in North Hollywood even—and it didn’t matter one bit that there was no tambourine in my hand. The thing is, it was different—it was good different. But as I danced flooded with joy and FINALLY sensing that anointing I have longed for all these months and been too caught up in the junk to feel—I also started crying. So much of what I have been learning came to me more seeing the contrast. I can’t express this in a blog—it is too deep. All that matters really is that I know and God knows. The worship time went on so long I thought Pastor Jerry would not have time to preach—which I was going to deal with since I am seeing him tomorrow, but that didn’t turn out to be the case anyway. Some words came forth and I realized I had a choice to keep up the pretty appearance or just let the rest of it go. So I stood there bawling during a spontaneous altar time. Pastor was praying for people at the altar. He put his ands on me and mostly just prayed in the Spirit. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the same person who left bouncing out of here had come home deflated. I didn’t care. I want to care—appearances told me to care, but the fact was, it is the only home I have and if I have to care there how real is the home anyway? So I let it go and I SOBBED. I mean I sat there at the altar and just cried my pathetic little eyes out—feeling 100 percent SAFE as I did. Today was the safest I have felt in months.

I cried because I wanted to be home. I LOVE Texas—I love EAST Texas and I love my church. I don’t want to go to Dallas and find a new church. I want MY church.

I was very honest with everyone who asked—I didn’t tell them I hated LA but I told them what teaching was like—Randy told me his daughter is thinking of going out there to teach and I said NO! Why ruin an excited teacher’s dreams with the CA educational system? The only thing good I talked about was the church. Yes, church is great, I told them—unfortunately I am not there 7 days a week. Once you are a Texan, you can’t be a Californian. How can I explain that?

Richard and Becky were proud of me—I finally came over to the side of the Texans. Richard looked like he wanted to adopt me when I said I would not want to marry a California guy and would hold out for a Texan! The waiter at lunch called us “ma’am” and spoke with an accent. It was beautiful.

Back to church. I sobbed at that altar for so long my eyes got squinty. So much for my pretty outfit and make-up! It was wonderful to let it go. But it also felt so awful because it is not like I could just walk back here. I do have to support myself. None of the districts around here pay NEAR what Tyler pays. That matters a lot.

After the great tear-fest, Pastor Jerry got up to speak. What he spoke on shocked me. Just before I left he did a three part Wednesday night message about the Lordship of Christ, and he spoke about the Ark of the Covenant and I Chronicles 16. It was a life changing message for me and was pivotal in my citizenship miracle God did in July. In fact I am on a lot of that last sermon tape because I shared the testimony of it in church and he referred to it often in the message. I have thought of those messages often since I have been in LA-very often. I have thought recently about how I really need to listen to them again too.

So Pastor Jerry gets up and says he knows it is late but he wants to share at least the key ideas from his messages—and he backs up to a series of messages from “several weeks ago.” YIKES! Guess what he talked about? He had a continuing message on what he had talked about the three weeks before I left. When I heard him announce what his topic was, I think it would have been really interesting too have put a camera on my face. I was shocked, delighted and aware, all in one goofy experession. Even as Jan prayed for me later at the altar she had said that they did not have services like this every Sunday. God was there for me today. It was incredible.

The most quiet and monumental moment for me came in the middle of Pastor Jerry’s sermon and talked about Obed Whatshisname. He spoke of him being a doorkeeper and Pastor said, “remember what David said?—I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than…” he waited for someone to fill it in. I started to say it—then backed off, then heard someone else say what I was saying. Pastor repeated it. So this time I spoke—no one else aid it “than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” He looked at me and said “than dwell in the tents of the wicked. I believe you got that right.”

Yes, Pastor, I did.

Salary too low, not enough preaching time. The old boyfriend who was too solid and stable so you dump him.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God…

Oh.

No great signs from God here—and I don’t think I could see the signposts right anyway. I read too many wrong on my way to the castle.

After church Pastor Jerry asked if I was coming to see him tomorrow—so we are still on. I saw him drive up this morning and felt tears well up in my eyes. I adore him. He is the most godly wonderful man. I have been blessed to have many people I respect in the Lord—including my current pastor, Darrell, but Pastor Jerry has a special place in my heart. Maybe because it is home. No one looked at me funny when I commented on how I loved Texas—no one seemed like they would think I was a big loser if I came back. We all went to lunch—the dancers and Pastor Steven and Camilla and their family—the worship pastors. Pastor Steven joked that maybe we could teach me the Christmas dance and I could learn it and come dance with them. If there was a way I could be here then I probably would have begged. How I will handle being involved in nothing at Christmas is beyond me. Christmas and Easter dances are so special—what will I do? It will be very hard.

I had such a wonderful time with everyone. My heart is with theirs so much. Again, hard stuff to explain, but there is so much inside me.

I have to reserve my final opinions on this trip until after speaking with Pastor Jerry, but right now my heart is torn apart because I know deeper than every what I love and where I want to be. I don’t need a giant sign from God to know the peace of God. In fact, Pastor even talked about the peace of God and when you start to lose it. That was what he was referring to with Obed Whatshisname—that he would d anything to stay under that—security guard, doorkeeper to worship leader. The position didn’t matter. And it shouldn’t. I am growing to love my CA church very much, but the problem is it is still in CA. And that is not where I left my heart.

October 18, 2003

I am home and I always was. I wanted a higher salary and more preaching time. That is a metaphorical one. I know it, I see it—and I am paying for it. The prayer now is simple—God I am coming home as soon as you let me.

Peace, people always say, is the underlying factor for determining the will of God. After almost three months away, two of it literally in depression and fighting my anger (and often NOT fighting), one DAY back and I am my normal self.

Duh.

I had an awesome day. The truth is that even though I am having a wonderful time, it is all doing normal stuff. Even though I don’t go to wedding showers every day, mostly those bore me anyway (this one was an exception, though), but I mean I am living this weekend in a normal routine. Church stuff, being with friends, dancing at Shachah. I got up early and drove to Dallas, and I will go to church tomorrow, have a busy day, get up for early morning prayer Monday. All of that is very very normal. In 36 hours here I have already been able to truly minister to two people. All of that counts.

So I have rental guides from Dallas, Tyler, and wonder about other places. I love Shachah. They are like family to me. I am not sure I want to live apart from them—which means I basically have to choose between the best boss in the world and the best ministry in the world.

A part of me still hopes I can come back at midterm, but I think I am going to have to stick it out. Also if I am supposed to be in LA for Melissa, then I need to be there the year she is there. Another Shachah person hugged me today and said “I am so glad Melissa is out there with you. I feel so much better about that.” That does matter, so I have to remember it too.

All I can say is that I know I am coming home and probably have known it from the second that I started admitting to myself I wanted to. I can explain a lot of things externally but I have no words for what is inside. But I know with a perfect solid peace—not a shred of anxiety. It is easier too because this is not a high—not a glamorous magical spiritually perfect world—but truly God’s world.

Bigger salary, more preaching time and a mountaintop high. And there is no way I would have let anyone tell me this 6 months ago.

The shower was incredible. I was not one bit bored. In fact it was really funny because I won everything! I am the one who NEVER wins this kind of stuff. I am not even sure what all I have in my big bag. When my name was drawn after embarrassingly winning the clothes pin game and the foreign language quiz, Maxine (the bride) exclaimed with redundancy Susan Tyrrell” and everyone laughed as I embarrassingly trudged up for my third present! The clothes pin game striped us of all dignity as we had to take pins from anyone we heard say “no” “ummm” or who crossed her legs. So by the end I was catching everyone at a much higher rate than I was being caught. The shower was hosted by Mrs. Ginger Lindsay. Her husband is, I think, the president (or something majorly high up like that) in Christ for the Nations—the daughter-in-law of spiritual mom Freda Lindsay. Her good friend and also major CFNI contributor and teacher Alta Hatcher was in attendance. After serving and being at multiple women’s conferences with these women of God and hearing them speak and seeing them lead. I confessed to Mrs. Hatcher later that I was now removing things from the clothes of these women of God I respected so much from afar! Fortunately she had a sense of humor about it and we formally met. Of course now they know me and my name because I was approximately 25 multi-colored clothes pins attached to me in every area possible above my waist—including my ears and glasses!

I saw all the old Shachah people I have not seen in a very long time. We really are our own group—totally UNEXCLUSIVE, but very much connected with those who choose to be a part of us. It is very special.

My discerning eyes picked up on something interesting that contradicted something publicly presented—NOT about Shachah—and concerned me a bit—I found out only as much as the rebellious eyes would allow me. Appearances.

Aunty embraced me deeply when I came in this morning—even Pastor hugged me after his usually teasing—I told him he had to hug me anyway. I can’t believe I have to go back and live without hugs for more time again. Californians can’t hug! I mean, really!

So the truth is fully out. When I go home I am going to be open that I am there for a year. That means at work too—by being open some people will lay off the rigidity because they will see me as a lame duck—so maybe I can teach a bit. Of course it may get me fired, but if it does I can’t help it. I won’t TRY to get fired—that would not be cool, but Hasmik and I are having a discussion—next week if her secretary can set me up—and we are going to discuss what happened last week, how it made me feel and, most importantly, that in her three visits to my room she has not ONCE asked what my kids are LEARNING. I am—for the millionth time in my life—going to point out the truth and hope it doesn’t get me squished. But I am going to tell her how I feel—I will tell her nicely, professionally and respectfully but I will be totally honest. Basically I need to tell her that I did not accept a job to be a robot and want to know if I am going to be given any leeway to teach or not. Fortunately I am good with words and am confident I can say this well. But the fact is, well spoken or not, it is going against the grain, and likely will not be well received—though it is impossible to predict. But in order to save my work sanity I have to be honest. I told her I was creative and different—if she didn’t want a teacher she should not have hired me knowing these things. Period.

Anyway, I am currently so sleepy I wonder if I will be functional at all next week! After getting in at midnight and promptly setting off the house alarm—which by the way is VERY loud and scary—I went to sleep around 12:30 with the alarms set for 6:30 for Shachah. But alas! My whacked out body continued its whackedness. Truth is, I have experienced terrible physical health almost since arriving in CA. I started work with a cold and ever since then it has been one thing after another—not like me! Anyway, before that I woke up suddenly (still never sleep through the night!) and I felt SICK. I mean, I really thought I was going to throw up. I was scared too because I thought if I was that sick I could not go to Shachah and that would be a nightmare. I was so sleepy I could not think—I had no idea what time it was. All I could think to do was pray and I was too tired or that. So I said “Jesus” calling on the power of His name. I eked that out about three times over several minutes before I heard the alarms go off and wondered if I could possibly function through the day as tired as I was, even if I was healthy. And then, excuse the grossness, I tasted last night’s 10:30 dinner—and only meal all day. I knew what was happening—severe acid reflux attack. Only it made me sick. I usually do not have trouble eating late at night—but boy did I! This is the second time Pizza Hut pasta has made me sick. And only the second time I have had it (in 6 years). So no more. I felt better when I sat up and thanked God, after a quick and fruitless search of the medicine here, that Prilosec, a top reflux drug, just went on sale over-the-counter so I stopped and got a box on my way. I stopped in a grocery store. I stopped in a grocery store with workers working where people told me to have a nice day. I drove the interstate where people were more polite than not and you could be alone without cars bumper-to-bumper. And as I drove home at night I savored the darkness. Beautiful Texas nights—and the big Texas sky in the day. I love Texas. I can truly understand these people who come to CA from here and feel so bad. I know why Jenna’s friend wanted dirt. I may just take some home myself.

On my way to Shachah I prayed a lot—I cried a lot too. Leaving here will be hard. It is not glamorized now. Once I got to Tyler I realized that it is hardly the perfect place. But it is my place. No place is perfect but location DOES matter.

Oh how much I have learned. My heart was breaking, agonizing as I prayed. Next year seems a lifetime.

Deep in my heart is Texas.

It is SO late and I have to get up SO early--for SHACHAH!!! I will write details tomorrow...

Does anyone really want to hear me write at midnight about setting off the house alarm at Bev's a few minutes ago?Or the spilled Diet Cokes all day? A late dinner with Shekinah who did a double take when she saw me? Or how I sobbed when the plane touched down in Dallas and could not hold back tears once I hugged Robin?

Or maybe I just need to say what is in my heart. The air is pure. The people nice. The grocery stores open and the hearts lovely.

I am home.

God bless Texas.

My fridge is bare.

No, it is not broken again.

No, I am not broke.

Yes, I have time to shop.

But the grocery workers are on strike, and shopping is a hassle. You almost have to have the mark of the beast.

So my fridge is bare.

Maybe I can eat when I get back from Texas.

I love when Joe Torre smiles.

Every time the Yankees pul it off he smiles like a proud papa.

Eleven innings.

Daddy's proud.

That's my team.

The doctor says this is my first migraine.

It had better be my LAST. This is so not cool!!!

She thinks it is the pill I am on. So she switched me BACK to the first one. And THEN I had to find a pharmacy because my pharmacy is Sav-On and that is part of Albertson’s which is on strike. GRRRRRRRR. Two pharmacies later I found one for my pill prescription—had to have a whole new one due to the strike. She gave me migraine meds and so far I have taken two and it is not helping much. I am currently trying to pack and it is going ever-so-slowly because I feel so bad. The good news is it has also taken most of my appetite! This is always a plus with illness. I know I will be better tomorrow. But I have to pack and GET to tomorrow! It is almost 8:30 and my clothes are still drying. I will get up a bit earlier. GRRRRRRRR again.

I am watching the Yankee game, which looked like it was going to be a Red Sox game but is a Yankee game again. I almost felt better when I jumped up cheering hen they tied it up from a three run deficit. That’s my team!

I would almost guess the migraine is work related but the medicine makes sense too. Work is really not going well. I am putting out feelers for a new job here for the next semester. I can’t be a robot. It isn’t right. I am not the only one, but I am not allow to reveal that online. It really is too bad. After Sunday I really committed my heart to the year, and now I might end up changing anyway!

Is this my first migraine? What about that day at QHJS when I was sick suddenly and in pain? Suddenly I am realizing that this might have happened to me before. Curiously that was my other stressful and very awful job.

I asked Dr. Hayes if he would be in Clear Stream at Christmas so I could drive down and see the school. You could not pay me enough to be a robot.

I think when I grow up I want to be an educational theorist.

Work is bad.

I hate saying that but even my deprtament head is mad over what happened this time. It is worse than I thought--I thought it was just me, but I found out it is a lot more than me.

There was an incident today. My dept head thinks I should write a memo. I need to cool down first. I really want to last the year, but I won't under some of these circumsatnces.

To the doctor after work. I feel awful!

Well, at least it is not a migraine. I looked up symptoms and I do not qualify. It is just a 16 hour nightmare of a headache. I left church after worship--could not stand to keep my eyes open anymore--so short blog tonight. Will add tomorrow if I can. I hope the electricity is not off past 5:30!

My headache and I are going to bed.

PS Great talk with Darrell and he gave me the first ray of future hope that would allow me to leave a success. That is too complicated to write, but the way he sees it is kind of how I see it, and kind of how I have a strong suspicion Pastor Jerry will see it...

PPS My electric bill now seems cheap. A friend of mine who has five people in the house (most of whom are never home, but do shower a few times a day, etc) got his two month electric,/water/sewage bill. They bill per two months here. Their two month bill was ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!

My $225 seems a steal.

The grocery stores and mass transit are still on strike. I am thinking of shipping food back from Texas.

WHO READS MY BLOG FROM A MAC POWER PC WITH NETSCAPE???? EMAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW!

I have to go see Darrell soon, but had to come home and get conscious first. Today I have put the following into my body: one Tylenol 3 with Codeine, two Aleve, two Tylenol and one Advil. Talk about a pharmacy. Once the headache started to subside I felt nauseated from the influx of medicine! YIKES! I may leave church after worship tonight so I can get to bed at a decent time. I definitely feel bad. Two people told me I had a migraine—I don’t really believe that but I sure did feel lousy. If I did not have my meeting with Darrell I would not step foot outside this house tonight, but I can make it. I added caffeine to the medicinal supply too. There is SO much to do before I leave—planning to travel is always much more work than travel itself, but since I am out of the habit I forget little nuances. I will be back in the habit soon, though, and I am glad. I think I will always travel.

I will also sleep in a bit tomorrow. Normally I am up at 5 a.m. but now my overpriced idiotic electric company, with one day’s notice on a WORKDAY, informs us our power will be off from 4:30 to 5:30 a.m. What a lousy time. I don’t know if my alarm clock back ups even work. I use a couple so that one backs up the other. But I hate CA utility companies anyway, so I would have hated whatever they did because the utility rates are so infuriating. But I need to sleep too. BADLY! And I have to get up by 4 Friday to leave so tomorrow is it.

Anyway, I am not very exciting because I feel so physically lousy. It happens—at least I am not truly SICK. Now I am going to watch a bit of the Yankee game and get ready—have to be at the church at 5 and it is 4 now—I will give myself half an hour—the merge with the 5 will delay me a bit at that time of day—especially with all the mass transit on strike—and the grocery stores-and a sheriff’s department sick out… as I wrote to someone last night:

Well, the grocery workers are on strike so it is hard to buy food--the busses are on strike so the freeways are more jammed and the sheriff's office is having sick out and so the crowded freeways and violent supermarkets picket lines are a free for all. Ah, life in Los Angeles. Go East. Go very far East!

Well, I spilled the beans at work. I didn’t mean to but after another issue with the parking lot—a minor thing—straw that broke the camel’s back—I went to the counselor I really like and asked her if we could talk. I blurted out everything about work that I wrote yesterday and then some. And the sad thing is that she agreed with me! She told me it is a game and unless the good I have in CA outweighs the job, to go home and teach because it was a mess here and getting messier.

It is sad when you get encouragement. “The sad thing is that we can’t see through it all to keep the good teachers like you,” she said.

And that covers it… why should I sacrifice my career to play a game? I was fuming this morning. And I stopped caring. I stopped worrying about who might know. I did not yell at the principal in the schoolyard or anything so blatant; I even shut the door of the counselor’s office. But inside I gave up. She basically told me (as an experienced teacher who just became a counselor and one who has a reputation of being very good teacher in the past) that it is all a game and you have to play it and get in trouble if you want to be a good teacher.

She told me if I went to the principal that she would pat me on the back and send me to someone else but it would never change because the state is in such a mess. There is no power on an individual level to beat this system. It is sad. I had no idea it was this bad.

I sent a prayer request to my church prayer list. I was not detailed. I basically said there was stuff going on at work and I wanted to make it through the year if I could. I am seriously considering applying at another district even this year.

I made a sad admission to myself on my way in this morning—I don’t like my job. As I told the counselor. I have only been teaching 5 years—I am not a burned out teacher.

I like my kids, but it is so hard to teach them what they need to learn when lesson plans are written for me in a book and literally what I am supposed to write on the board is written out for me, when history teachers are not able to teach about a current election because the state doesn’t allow time for it.. I am honestly not sure I will get out of here with a good evaluation because I can’t lie. I can’t pretend to play the game. I had a feeling about this the first day of school, but it is pretty clear—and gets clearer every day. I know it sounds nuts, but every year by this time I usually have a pretty good sense of what is going on. A few years ago at QJHS that one incident with the principal and the grading scandal made me KNOW I was quitting. There was no question even in September of what was happening next year. That was because unless the whole thing and change and the principal admitted wrongdoing (fat chance) to remain there would have been to condone what I did not believe in. That is why I can know so early.

The sad thing is my district is considered a good one. It isn’t even the district. It is the STATE. It follows you. The only reason I would go elsewhere now is to get lost in a big district where no one would care and I could be happy for the months I am here and really teach kids.

I want to like coming to work again.

One night over three years ago I woke up out of a dead sleep at 2 a.m. praying for someone. It is the only time I can say with certainty God spoke through me and something changed. At the time when I realized I wished I had never woken up. It seemed to ruin my life in that period. I still can’t hash it all out. In the very end I guess it turned out okay.

I thought about it yesterday in church in reflecting on mistakes and the will of God. I tried to think not how it affected me, that 2 a.m. prayer, but what happened to the other person and what might have happened had everything not happened. We always come back to God would have done something else and used someone else, so, please, I was irrelevant in the great scheme of things—which when you think of it that way makes you wonder why it all matters. Sort of how Robin always says if SHE had not been the one to love and disciple me God would have sent someone else. I never liked that. Then what is the use of an individual person if God will just use anyone? I am just not sure I buy that. Anyway, I am deviating… I don’t know what to think. But in this divine appointment or divine mistake I am reflecting on the last one and thought of that 2 a.m. prayer when I truly saw something happen. Do I think it was God?

Yes.

So what might have happened if I hadn’t prayed?

Wow! I don’t think I cried while driving today. Wonder if we can make it two in a row. And today was ANNOYING because of the grocery strike. I decided tonight after finding my way to a Gelson’s in Los Feliz/Silverlake that next time I need groceries I am crossing the picket lines and that is that. I think the workers are being treated unfairly but at the same time, I am not the one doing it to them. And I don’t like the way they are treating people either. But I won’t deal with that til I get home from Texas because I bought enough to last.

I HATED work today. Not only did I find it repetitive in all the workshops we always have to attend but I don’t like MANY of the people I work with. There are so many who bitter and mean spirited. Being around them makes you feel like you have a giant weight on you. YUCK! One year, I tell myself—just one year. I can do it. There is a teacher at work I like—the Christian guy. I asked him today if he finds himself comparing Colorado schools to California ones. He said he used to, but he tries not to “or I become embittered.” Read: I think CA schools are not great either. I actually saw a test in the copy bin when I turned in a copy order. I had to lay my copy request on top of it. It said “Standard 10.2 Test.” All that says to kids is that we are teaching them a state generated formula. It says, you are not people; you are the subjects of my Standards teaching to get paid and evaluated.

Another teacher asked me if when I was evaluated I was going to “use EDI.” I told her EDI was just initials to me. They stand for Explicit Direct Instruction—an educational buzzword—buzzterm. I said I do that anyway, but no I was not designing a lesson around it. Another asked to see what I was writing on the forms I have to turn in tomorrow—like our self evaluation form in Texas, I showed her but cautioned her.” You might not want to use mine as a model because I am just using catch phrases. You might really want look at someone else’s because I don’t care.”

The whole negative experience reminds me of graduate school when some students in Bibliography acted like they would DIE if they did not rent a cot in the library—while people like me popped in, picked up a couple books and went home and enjoyed my life. Some of them were horrified. They got physically sick over that class (and in this case it was not the teacher—he was great). I thought THEY were the crazy ones. They almost killed themselves. In the end, the ones who were zombies and I all got As anyway. The only difference was I was happier at the end and enjoyed the four months. Now I am surrounded by new teachers who are stressed about doing everything perfectly and old teachers who gripe and rant and rave—and then a few like my dept head and the Christian guy with whom I occasionally get to ENJOY a conversation. I want to stand up in these meetings and says SHUT UP AND TEACH.

If you are teaching well you don’t need to freak. If you can’t teach, no listing of state standards will ever help you be competent. I cannot teach in California. I will finish this year but I will not teach in the CA public schools past this year. If for some reason I were to stay in CA I would either leave education temporarily or work in a private school if either could pay me enough—which is unlikely. But the fact is, in some districts they give kids checklists and ask them to check off the standards the teacher teaches them! So the state standards have overtaken a teacher’s authority in such a way that you can’t really do your job. So what is the POINT?

Today the buzzword was METACOGNITION. They were talking us how to teach our kids to “think about their thinking.” I wanted to tell them that my 24 developmental kids could almost all define METACOGNITION, use it in a sentence AND identify when they did it—and they have been for weeks. And yet the curriculum director was worried I was not filling in my sheet right to practice learning so I could teach it.

I do not mean to imply I am some master teacher; in fact, I know I am not. I am not always happy with my own teaching—most of the time I know I could improve greatly. But the thing is, I am NOT GROWING as a teacher when I am dumbed down to memorizing standards and having the same four things drilled in me all year. And then my curriculum coach wants to come in and videotape me teaching a lesson because that is what they do. I told him no. It is not in my contract; therefore, I am not doing it. End of story. Come watch me, see me teach, offer me feedback, but I am not sitting down with you and a videotape of me. I want to learn and be better but that comes from going against the grain (Dr. Hayes always said to me “I never follow the rules.” There is a line between being rebellious and being a good teacher in that sense. Maybe I was spoiled with the best, but this is ridiculous.) My kids learn and mostly are not bored doing it. ISN’T THAT WHAT MATTERS??????

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This ends my dissertation of the decline and dumbing down of modern education.

It really is funny. Tara and Cindy are a lot alike I think. Earlier today I thought, you know, Cindy reminds me a lot of Tara. And then later she sat there and said the very same things.

BLAST.

Oh, did I say that already?

Well, I guess the truth still gets to me when nothing else can. I drug my sorry self to church today but came out better for it. It wasn’t church itself—it was mostly my talk with Cindy. Truth. YUCK! But I know what she says is right. What is scary is how similar she sounded to what Tara said yesterday. BLAST! Just BLAST!

Terry came in with a gift for me. I was truly shocked. She said “this is for you—no matter where you go or what you do, I want this to remind you of our relationship.” It was a funny sort of gift, not a deep one, but it was nice. And it was nice to know she would love me as much if I left. It touched me.

Then Darrell got to me at the end of Meet and Greet. “got your letter,” he said, putting his arm around me. Okay so now the truth is out all around! Anyway, we are talking Wednesday before church. That will help because secrets suck.

Apparently it was a very powerful service today. I did not know it—I was in SusanLand . Cindy set that straight after church and I didn’t know it worked until I left at 3 p.m. and realized that feeling in me—truth. The only hope.

It will be good to go to Texas this way—better than how I was. It was all be laid out there and then I will go there and maybe see things clearer. I want it to be Christmas but it won’t be. June, I think is possible—in my heart I really do. Christmas is my whale. DRAT! DOUBLE DRAT!

The funniest thing has happened the last two weeks in worship—I seem to have learned to play the tambourine. I mean, suddenly I can play the patterns RIGHT and on beat as if I had a Shachah leader in front of me. I certainly don’t mean as WELL as if someone like Brandi were leading—hello—that would take YEARS, but I mean that I would not disgrace the name of Shachah! Aunty would be pleased. But I say that is funny because I must be the most UNANOINTED I have been in years! Maybe that is why… maybe when it has been sort of a rote thing like that it has eased up on the spiritual pressure. So maybe when the two come together I will really have it. Cindy commented on how I at least worshipped when I was not feeling like it. I told her “It is that dumb tambourine; it has a hold on me.” I waited years to be free to play it and I know after this year I probably will not be free again, so somehow that is the one thing I can see clearly. I guess the good part is that it is an instrument of warfare far more powerful than the dance alone, so maybe I am doing some good???

Cindy thinks I am a horse standing in front of a lake, thirsty. I have been. I know she understands too. But something took. I am not sure what, but I know it did. I always know even when I can’t pinpoint it. Within a few weeks it will be immensely clear.

Diana came to me before church asking about dance stuff… I won’t detail all that right here because it falls into some of the confusion that I hope will finally be straightened out this week—this leaving me with no good answers. But the end of it was her talking to me about teach her daughter—DUH! So if that works out it could be great. She is a little girl who is PRECIOUS and very sweet and loves to dance around the house. How neat that would be—and Diana wants to learn too. That would help so much to be able to teach. Who knows what will work out—I used to know Diana years ago. I only have two vivid memories of her. One was of us making vegetable Bobolis in her kitchen and the other is of a poem she wrote in singleness. We have both changed a lot, and she is now one of those mighty powerhouses—in fact if a word comes forth in the church, it is often through her lips and very on target. I could use some people like that in my life again. Besides, she loves Texas! (She married a Texan and they hope to live there one day!)

So I sat with Cindy after church while she and Pastor Dan ate tacos that are not on my diet. By the time I ate it was 3:30—but I stopped at Baja Fresh and got a lowfat version of that lunch. Pastor Dan and Cindy are coming to dinner after I get back from Pennsylvania. That will be nice. My November is booked solid now. I think during the whole month I only teach one complete week with all my travel and Thanksgiving too.

The other Cindy is going home next month til January. It is funny, us permanent people who moved out here seem to have temporary assignments. Somehow hearing that from her helped ME. As long as I don’t have to stay here for years I think I can get over some of this. Los Angeles is the WORST place to be alone. I told Cindy that New York is a friendlier place and she agreed. She has lived on the East Coast. If I had to be lost and anonymous somewhere, I would much rather it be New York City in many ways—and I would never want to live there.

I have decided to take Cindy’s words to heart—or maybe I know I have to. Again, TRUTH. I know it when I hear it at that level. I will take back my landlord call. It can’t be yet. BLAST! But know that much. I know little else but I know that much. But DUDE! As soon as my mileage on AA is posted I am booking my spring real ticket!!

So I guess that is it—something turned today. It had to or I wouldn’t have made it. And now the travel is fixing to start and I am a happy girl when I am taking trips. I don’t want to sit home. If I were married and had a family that would be a time for that but My personality is not that way. I must move. So to reenter a season of travel will help too.

I wonder, one day in the future, how I will see this year.

The grocery workers went on strike a few minutes ago, so now even shopping is a chore. I agree with their reason, but I hate LA. This is so typical. I pinpointed it earlier with a bad driving experience. At least I get why.

I guess I will shop at Trader Joe's for food and drive the freeways to Wal Mart for drinks. Winchells and the found mini market will provide my Diet Coke fixes, and by the time I get back from Texas, if not before, I can go to Ralph's again.

Do I have to come back from Texas?

I am supposed to drag my body out of bed in the morning, but I can't even sleep yet. I still don't sleep straight through the night most nights; the doctor says that should stop soon. I read in bed often now. I like that. I have a new mystery novel. It wil be good to travel for real again. I have been homebound too long. I wonder who will be happy to see me tomorrow.

I wonder if anyone is hearing this.

It's the loudest secret ever.

It is fun to watch baseball again.

Baseball and ballet make one happy Susan

Go YANKEES!

I found my mini market.

No joke, guys, I thought I lost an entire store! When I first moved in I accidentally stumbled across a mini market near Trader Joe’s because I lost my way going to TJ’s. Well, a few weeks ago I lost the mini market. I like it because it is the ONLY place I have found with 44 oz. foam cup SELF SERVE Diet Cokes. But I lost it. I drove to TJ’s a couple weeks ago and drove around the whole neighborhood.

HOW DO YOU LOSE A MINI MARKET? I kept asking my depleted brain. And then today I was determined. I wanted a good old fashioned self serve Diet Coke. (Besides if the grocery store workers go on strike I have to find alternate Diet Cokes, and they are talking now about doing it.) I recalled it was near a Gold Line station because a rude sign proclaims that people who park there for the train will be towed. And ta da! I drove around the corners by the Gold Line areas near Arroyo Parkway and found it—it is buried off Del Mar and Arroyo—and they still have 44 oz. self serve Diet Cokes—in foam cups of course!

I talked to Tara today. One more person who still loves me. Whew! The only real concern I have is that a