I really am different. I am not sure I understand how one reprove of the Holy Spirit could change my inner self so much, but I have not been the same since that moment. I was open to receive it and very unwalled when it happened because of church that morning, but this is extreme. I finally put words to it today. It is like I am confident in who I am suddenly. That sounds bizarre from Miss Outspoken, but this is different. What I wrote the other night and said on Terry’s machine too, is true: I am not the same Christian I was. I feel it inside me as I speak to others. Everything is different. If people could see this, see inside, they would understand why the truth is the only thing that sets you free. Even though none of this makes logical sense to me, I understand what is happening. I know who I am in Christ. I have for a long time, but I think with the change last week came a challenge to my spirit. Did I really KNOW it? And if so, shouldn’t it be more evident. None of that was conscious thought—just underlying, but now I can look at it and see what happened—at least a bit.

The truth sets you free. Period. There is no other road to freedom. There is no one but Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit who can do it. There are a million substitutes and they are all lame and disappoint. There is one answer I don’t care if that is not politically correct. I don’t care what people say—I can’t. The Creator of everything has more of a say in my life.

The truth sets you free. Always.

I am suddenly mushier than ever. It started with Robin. I am leaving Robin. Since I have been a halfway grown up young lady, there has always been a Robin. When the world falls apart, there is Robin. And there always will be, but it is hard to run 1500 miles in 40 minutes and that has hit me.

I can’t imagine my life without her there. I wonder if kids feel this way when they move away from home.

The word God spoke to me a week ago continues to change and affect me deeply. I am ready. I want anything He desires of me.

I am not the same Christian I was a week ago. It is amazing what a simple comment can do to a person. This time the comment changed me for the better. It is awesome to me what God can do so simply. Tonight I am bouncing off the walls (and simultaneously breaking them down!). My vision and passion have grown. I am beginning to understand.

Meanwhile I am seeing what God is doing in other areas. I am seeing that nothing is a waste. All those years I longed for dance and free worship in Quitman and I felt I lost that battle and moved away. But now look! Now a fellow Shachah person has moved to Quitman just as the new ministry has started there and it is SO GOD that it amazes me. And the selfish part of me is so thrilled because it feel like I get to be a part of this and helping to bring dance into this community in worship after all. I am leaving but before I do I get to introduce my friends and let them connect. So I thanked God that He would allow me to play a part. I guess nothing is a waste after all, huh!

Meanwhile, I got a blessing for my Vermont trip when my banker extended my payment for July and I ended up with enough money to cover my rental car and the conference fee! I praise God because I was not sure how I would pay for it.

I had a wonderful time with Carrie (Hi, Carrie La Shell!) and got to enjoy seeing God work in the life of one of my old students—in my class the first year I taught—and grow into a young woman of God.

Everything today was God God God—yesterday too. I had the best time I have had with Robin is AGES. I always enjoy our time together but we connected in a deeply spiritual way again that I have missed. Our hearts are still united in God. We have two more times together until I leave—fortunately, she leaves with me!—and it suddenly struck me. I am so used to her being in my life. She is just always there. Maybe it won’t be as easy as I thought. There is no other Bobbin Bowser in the world.

I love my Bobbin.

I found my friend again. I never lost her, but walls are hard to see over.

I am so blessed. And I am also having growing pains I did not think I would have.

Her little girl is growing up.

And prayer is still the sweetest thing God ever gave us.

June 24, 2003

I think I like blogging on a plane. It looks so pseudo-sophisticated. If people only knew I was blogging. Anyway, yes, another plane, another flight, another mad dash to the airport. More mountains beneath me and desert below. I would have never in a million years have believed I would spend so much time on planes this year. God is beyond what my mind can ever comprehend, so why do I keep trying?

It was hard leaving today. Part of it was that Darrell and Terry are just so busy with VBS that time is just limited and their brains are flooded. They are still their wonderful kind selves, but it is crazy. But it was also hard because next time when I come back, I won’t be with them. I will have my own life and that scares me some. I am no longer the guest. And I have seen their lives firsthand. Sometimes they don’t even get phone messages until the next day or two. So saying good bye was not just saying good bye for a month, but a lifestyle that has been my monthly routine for four months. Living with people is either a blissfully wonderful experience or a dreadful one. This was the former. Who could ask for better people than them? How blessed can I be?

It was also hard saying good bye because in a week they are leaving for Europe. Not only will I be apart from them for six weeks, but there will also be no communication. THAT is what is so hard. Six weeks is the longest I have been away from them since this all began. But at least we talked. This is way different.

I learned so much this trip. I accomplished zilch naturally, but learned great things spiritually. I had an epiphany which came from the truth Terry spoke that was difficult to hear and very humbling. I told her about it this morning. She thought it was huge—I think it is hitting me as time goes on. It has a real effect on my Christianity. More growing on its way. But it is a big deal that I know is also related to why I am going there so I had to know it.

The Lord gave me great revelation this time around. I have six weeks to prepare my heart for this. It won’t be easy. And I can’t pretend I am not scared, but I also feel peace—I guess that is natural.. I went away for nine years and grew up, but now I see how much growing up I have to do!

I love the church. I love it more now that I am a teeny part of it. Some people are used to my dancing across the front already. It is a wonderful church. It is the book of Acts at its beginning stages. I LOVE it. My vision is growing too. As Terry and I prayed the other night, I realized my vision had truly increased in some areas, and my heart is opening in new ways.

This trip was not blissful, but it was still good. The Lord renewed my vision, gave me more and showed me more of what He is doing. Spiritually, I am primed, but I also feel I am on a deadline. In six weeks, God has some MAJOR work to do in me so I am ready enough. I am really not sure I am in myself. But I know He has called me so He must be planning things I can’t see. We will pull into LA five weeks and six days from tonight. It seems forever and it seems too soon. Still my next six weeks are planned. I am immersing myself in the Word. After what happened Sunday I know that there is something vital there in relation to this. I am going to pray a lot, as well as read and focus on preparing my heart. I might love the church and the people, but I am still Susan and I have to be prepared because when I get insecure, things get to me. That is just human, but I hate that. So for six weeks I will prepare more—like April and the cloud of glory, I will live that way. I am making every effort to attend that brief conference in July. I feel like it would be an excellent springboard to this. I must be ready. I thought that it was that period during graduate school that solidified my faith. It was in that time that I became bold and vocal and unashamed of Christ in me. But you know what? That was nothing compared to what is happening now. I did not know I was so weak.

I am blessed to sit and hear Terry and Darrell share. They are just talking from their hearts but I hear from the Spirit—just like the other night with Terry, that was major, but not the only time. I sit under such a powerful anointing that I am wonderfully overwhelmed. It challenges me to be better and stronger. I want to be more like what I see in them—and that is more like Jesus.

I suddenly realized tonight that last night might have been my LAST late night talk/prayer time with Terry. There will be other times of talk and prayer, but these slumber party moments are over. After we said good night tonight I realized that and sat at the table crying. What a whirlwind this has all been. This visit has been a reminder of my March visit, although incredibly different. I came here this week to organize my life in LA. I wanted to get some things in order, get an address, maybe an apartment once it seemed that was changing, arrange storage, etc. The plan was to be ready to arrive in August with minimal hassle. Instead, I accomplished virtually nothing in the natural sense! None of that happened and I spent a lot of time frustrated. But what did happen was better.

I came here to get my natural life in order and God focused me spiritually. Last night talking to Terry really showed me some things. This is not stuff I would blog, but it is important. I love truth. Sometimes I love it more when it is hard to hear, but it sets me free. She said a couple things that she did not even realize. She was speaking in general but I knew specifics, so I took it to heart. Today I have found it really affected me. I love truth. I believe God gave her those things to say last night when it was general because it will prevent it from being specific. That sounds so abstract, but it really isn’t. I have not even told her yet, but I will in the morning. That will be our last talk for several weeks. Oh, how had that is. They will be out of the country, not merely 1500 miles away. I will miss them so much. In a short time they have become so much a part of my spiritual life. I don’t ever want to say good bye again.

It will be harder in a way being back. I will not be staying here. I will go to church and see them there but not be WITH them. I might eat lunch alone again. I don’t like that. It will not be easy. But I still know it will be okay. In the last two days God has given me greater vision and focus, sharpening the things that He began saying in March. I have one moth to get in His presence and prepare. This is what I meant many blogs ago when I said I felt like I was getting married. I know some people don’t understand that—let’s face it I had no clue a few months ago about tat Holy Romance idea that has now consumed my very being.

All the things I have heard from God have been reconfirmed. I will have to work hard to follow that path. I am at a turning point. If I turned around, went home to Tyler and stayed, I could live a Christian life and even be blessed. But I would be abandoning the perfect plan of God for me in favor of what is easy and comfortable. The time is now, the call has come. My bridegroom has arrived on His white horse to take me to the chamber. It will be a new way of life, something I do not know. But it will be better.

Darrell and Terry are two of the most amazing people I know. I have never known people with a greater anointing of love. Perhaps my own pastor now has one similar, but I am telling you, after experiencing the great grace and love from these people for 13 years, I will love them forever. I will serve them and God in this new place. I know it will not always be great. I already know the things that won’t be—including many that reign in me. But you know what? They know me. I think that Darrell even picked up on something the other day and responded to me in light of it. He is a gentle and kind man. I have a journal entry from 13 years ago where I wrote how Terry told me that I would find Darrell was one of the most gentle and loving people I would ever know. Yup.

I have leaving this house. I live in the anointing here. At least once every trip I wake up early praying in the Spirit. It happened this morning. I never sleep but I live. I have spent more time in the Word and prayer today. God and I are having intense heart to hearts. I have a month to be ready.

The sun came out today. Darrell pointed it out and I jumped up and down in the kitchen. He teased me that he almost didn’t tell me because he knew I would react that way! But I know when he says things like tat he is really expressing pleasure with the fact that I do—that I am bouncy and happy. It came and went a bit but as I drove up the cost it filled the clear sky. Driving over the San Marco pass between Santa Barbara and Santa Maria, I saw beautiful bleu above me. When I went to the beach to meet Anne later, it was sunny, and the water was not even freezing! I was amazed. I had a quick beach trip, just enough to gush to God, do a couple of leaps and get in gear. I had a nice dinner with Anne, and some interesting dance discussion. More God stuff. I am amazed.

I have so much gushing to do. I wonder who I can gush to in July when Terry is gone. Lots of people care, but the heartstrings that are the same make a beautiful melody. I will miss them and my home away form home. I have been here four times now. This is my last night here. My next night in LA I will be a resident again. A servant on a mission, a bride entering the chamber.

And I will never be the same again.

Wow! God is awesome. God is super-awesome squared. That has become the phrase. So much to blog tonight. I am sure no one will be shocked to hear it is 12:40 a.m. and I just came to bed—Terry and I were up talking and praying. Gasp. It will be hard when I live here NOT having these blissful late nights together with God, We are so on the same planet. When I hear their hearts I am so amazed. I was never a freak; it is just that God was training me to be here. That is some of what we just talked about. Terry said it amazes her how God first brought in the banners to the church through one lady and that all this time their church was going through these changes and stuff, that God was training another woman in Tyler, Texas so He could bring her here. I heard her talking, and it took me a second. I had to stop myself and say, “Hey, she is talking about ME. I am the "woman of God" she mentioned.” As I told her, I truly feel HONORED that God would do this, that He would bring me her to be a part of this. My vision lately has been a bit marred by location but this is not a real estate deal; it is the call of God on my life. If I stayed up all night I honestly do not think I could write down everything that has affected me or I have been taught here. But it started again today with the Word. It is funny because the worship here is the freest thing I have ever known and it is a huge draw, and yet it is the WORD that penetrates me the most. Pastor Darrell is incredibly anointed today was amazing. I was amen-ing so loud. I could barley contain my spirit within me. And Terry was right next to me doing the same. The cheering section-but we were cheering the Word of God. By the end of that sermon I was ON FIRE. My spirit was doing grand jetes again. I was so alive. The walls fell again. They crumbled. After church I was bouncing and beaming. I was all laughter and lightheartedness. Such freedom. I realized then that I must immerse myself DEEPER in the Word of God when I return home. There is so much power and I must be buried in it so I can die to the right things. Coming here will be hard in some ways, but it IS the call of God on my life. As we have talked about in Sunday School, it is the preparation time. I am preparing to meet my bridegroom. There are things I know so deeply inside of me that I cannot really express yet. But I know them. I don’t know hows or whys or details, but I know it is God. After all these years the call has become a reality. It was like God rang me up and said, “Hey, you know that call I placed in you over five years ago? Now, Daughter, the time is now.” Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord, Yes, Lord. What a powerful answer, as Darrell talked about. But this is it. I still know it. It has been a bit muffled in the freeways and dreary weather and apartment woes. Sometimes the fleshly worldly stuff can get to us—but the fact is, in my spirit, I know I am called. And I have for a long time now.

One of the most awesome things today was when Casey and Sana came over tonight. Casey shared much of his testimony which I only knew bits and pieces of. It was as powerful as anything in the book of Acts and that is not even the slightest exaggeration. It was amazing and beyond what words can express. We were all crying—even his wife who has heard it a million times. We were responding to him with the same passion as if we were in church or something. I sat there amazed, thinking YES!This is how it should be. This is what Christians should be doing when they hang out. This is such a New Testament church in that way. This is not unusual. What has impressed me the most about this church is not the worship or the Word, but it is the way people share and keep God forefront on their minds. Everything here is about God. Fellowship means fellowshipping about His faithfulness. WOW! So finally Kacie and Sana had to go and we all stopped to pray. This is how we ended a casual visit! We stood in a circle and, man, was the prayer powerful. WHOA! I was absolutely overtaken by then, I thought, boy, if this prayer goes on, I will not be standing much longer. That was the truth. Unfortunately, they were late so it had to stop. I stood. But for how long?

Then I asked Terry some questions about some spiritual stuff and then Darrell shared a lot with me too and it was really good. I love my pastors—and I love my friends. I am blessed that they are one in the same. I am so blessed to hear Terry talk—I hear such faith and belief in who God has made me to be. She told me someone here who used to know me back in the day, as the kids say, came to her and said she could really see how much I matured but that it was the work of the Holy Spirit, not just that I grew up naturally. Terry thinks the dancing has really done that. You can see it when I dance. I danced a lot today. And played the tambourine, including a very prophetic way at one point in a song we have not stopped singing all day. I was so thankful as I danced to be so free. I realized that I may have a lot of teaching and training in dance and worship ministry, but I have very little practical experience in being freed to just learn and grow in this. With Shachah I minister, I follow and do what we do as a team, and I LOVE that, but here at NHFA I am going to get to grow into what has been in me. I thanked Darrell and Terry for that tonight and told then how much it meant to me.

The talk Terry and I had tonight was quiet reminiscent of our very first talk when this all happened. It was god. I felt like God was talking me back to reinforce what He is doing.

As for housing, I was going to go look tomorrow, but I got a real peace about waiting, I can follow listings in my rental company, but Belma talked to me at church today and her place is open. I will stay there for a bit, but not long, I don’t think. She said 3-4 weeks, but it won’t be two at the most. And I felt like, you know this is what I need to do. There is nothing to die for out there in the rental market right now. I will wait. As I told Pastor Dan, I won’t be surprised if God gives me something the first day I look! Terry was delighted to hear such peace in me. But I am fine now. I am just a slow learner in the ways of faith. But my heart is still in Pasadena. That is home. There are nice places more close by, Burbank being the logical choice, that are even cheaper, but Pasadena is it—my charming escape from the big city. I am in love with my new home and I know God will give me a place in it. The rents are higher there—leave it to me! But there are some that are in my range—I will find it. No wait!!! GOD WILL REVEAL IT. I am not God, and I will stop trying to be.

I am called and that call involves many aspects. Some are exciting, others are scary. Many are challenging. But I bet even a year from now I will be a different person.

After all, God never calls anyone to sameness.

Well, finally time for a more in depth entry. I have spent much of this evening searching in Westside Rentals. They have a monopoly on rental info here and my friends keep telling me it worked for them, so I buckled and spent the $60. YUCK! But after discovering Pasadena, I knew I needed and edge. Some people at church told me Pasadena is great but more expensive. Leave it to me! But it will be worth it for what I felt when I got there. It is so not LA. The two freeways it is close to are the two I actually LIKE. (the 210 and 134, FYI). And yet despite it being so removed, it is 5 minutes from the exit I was at to my work exit—so about 10-15 minutes to work—and it took me only 20 minutes to get to church WITH traffic and a minor detour when I stopped or something. I am sold. The cheapest rents I can find are right in my $800 range. I have some I will call tomorrow, but I may have to wait. All are available now and that creates a potential problem. But I will live in Pasadena. Thee are two rose cities in the United States. One is Pasadena, and the other is Tyler, TX. It fits. And just think, this would not have happened if DJ (Darrell and Terry’s son)_ had not insisted we go to that dive in Hollywood, Roscoe’s, Chicken and Waffles, where I saw the girl with the shoes I had to have. By the way, yes, I got the shoes! They are really cute and look like ballet slippers. It was wild because in this store, which I have decided I like, they actually sell Capezio ballet shoes AS FASHION, not for dance. I LOVE IT! Maybe I can walk around in ballet shoes in LA and no one will care.

I had Thai food for lunch and Chinese for dinner. I ate gourmet frozen yogurt n Old Town Pasadena, and I fell in love with my new home—wherever it is. But I am determined. Settling in my heart on Pasadena has brought a new peace to me. I don’t feel lost anymore. I found my way home.

Now to the serious stuff. The more I go through my moving ups and downs and the more that I talk to Terry and Darrell and stuff, the more I think I see some of what God is doing in me. I really think in my heart I know some of what is going on. I know what God wants to some extent. I am sure there is more to it than what I do know. I have not shared what I know with anyone, especially Darrell and Terry. Some thing are better said in the past. I need to see how it all plays out. It scars me a bit because what God is doing in this is making me face my greatest weakness and fears. I am risking a loneliness far greater than what I have felt in recent years, an emptiness deeper and a fear more far-reaching. But I have to.

As Terry and I talked last night one thing became very clear to me. At some point as she was talking I realized that the importance of my coming here is the importance of my growing deeper in God. I felt like I had hot a point and until I risk this I will not grow beyond it. The fact is, if I do not do this, I believe I will stagnate spiritually. That is a scary thought both ways., To grow is hard, but to resist growing is dangerous. So I know it is vital. I my heart I know a lot I am not letting on. There are things I KNOW are going to happen in this, and there re things I suspect. All are overwhelming. But last night I almost saw it as a choice when I had that realization. DO it and grow into the next level, or don’t and stop. In some ways I am at a level now that is further than many I have known. I am blessed that I was sometimes force to grow, but in other ways, I know I ca go even further. That is part of the greater purpose.

So I am in bed now, ready for church in the morning—I have my flag and streamer bag and my tambourine ready to go. I am ready top fly across the floor, to worship and live. I am expecting God tomorrow. The next level is so close. Some of me dreads it—I have had glimpses of the pain. But I know that beyond it will be awesome. So I am excited.

Oh yeah, the big pit in my gut is gone. It went with prayer last night—but it was reinforced today by anti-pit stuff. No need for details, but sometimes you get the feeling people know more than they let on, just like I do with my life these days.

I wonder if it is significant that I bought everyday walking shoes that resemble ballet slippers in a town I plan to call home.

Probably.

I found my home. I mean, I did not find apartment but I fell totally completely head over heels in love with an area. When I drove into it I knew I was home.

More later… but for now I am on the hunt. My new city?

Pasadena: The City of Roses

I am a zombie, but I am better. Terry and I were up til 3—yikes—but it helped me gain perspective. And we prayed away some old ghosts. Praying always works. So today I am okay, if half asleep! I am meeting someone I don’t know for lunch! She is a friend of one of my friends who happens to live in Glendale. Then I plan to head to Pasadena where I found out there is another Urban Outfitters store. I want my shoes (-:

After that I might go work at the church and then go see an apartment in Burbank. I am ready to rent and pay July rent. I just want this part over with. This place sounds nice but the guy is actually SHOWING it tonight and tomorrow night so that means he gets to pick from a slew of people and local people are easier than Texans! But the deposit is low and that helps too. So I will plug on; what else can I do?

Tomorrow is church and I can’t wait. I need to dance like I need to breath. Actually dancing IS my spiritual breathing. (I see a poem coming!)

So praise God, I am on my feet. A righteous man may fall seven times, but the Lord sustains him. I guess the bottom line under all this is that I know that there is something deeper. Terry calls it “the greater purpose.” In my heart I know that, but I think I also have an idea of what it might take to get there. That is the scary part.

Well, I am headed to Glendale soon. It is still overcast here. Maybe this is the day the sun will come out and stay.

Well, unless I want to play a game of pretend, I must confess that things are not going well. The surface issue is that the apartment hunt feels hopeless with the deadline I have. Ironically, suddenly, money is NOT the issue. It has worked out that as long as I find a place with affordable rent, I can handle the costs. Go figure. But no one wants to charge me. I had two good leads and a bunch of other possibilities. The leads fell through today. One was not right once I saw it. The other they would not let me have my washer and dryer since there were no hook ups and the did not like the apt. style ones you hook up to the sink. The frustrating thing is that I had to wait HOURS and call back repeatedly to find this out. I lost a lot of respect for the company in how they did that. There are SO MANY apartments in the areas I can live in, but to find one in my rent range (which is reasonable but on the low end) that I can rent before MONDAY is proving nearly impossible. My other housing plans seem to have fallen through and so I am without an address and moving in a month. This has created more stress than my overwhelmed brain could finally take. I spent virtually all of today in tears. Yes, Susan is that human!

I had a nice lunch with David, and that was my reprieve. We had a blast. I just love being with him. We can laugh. What else can compare?

But beyond that I cried. I got stuck in all sorts of traffic—the images we see on TV, the nightmare stuff. I did get to glimpse the ocean when I refused to take the 405 home, telling David I would rather take longer and keep moving than sit on the San Diego Freeway. Thus I took PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) from Costa Mesa to Santa Monica. But it was so crowded that the famous drive was not as great as it could have been. I was actually planning to go to a store called Urban Outfitters. I saw a girl in Hollywood with these amazingly cool shoes on that I MUST have. They resemble ballet slippers but are everyday shoes. A guy at church heard me say I wanted to know where she got them, and he chased her down the street to ask her. But alas! I was exhausted and Urban Outfitters was too urban for my travel tastes today. However as I write this I am thinking of venturing down there tonight—well, to the one on Mid-Wilshire at least.

I am currently home alone. Darrell and Terry are at the church. With VBS coming up they have been consumed. While I have had more time than I expected to be with Terry, I think that also adds to it because even though I am here with them I am still doing everything alone and I am burned out.

Terry got a look on her face today that almost scared me. After my miserable drive home and more hours of tears, I stopped by the church to tell her the apt. update… and to express my own fears a bit. I muttered that maybe I was barking up the wrong tree and hated myself this way because this is not my personality and I would do whatever I had to get rid of it—if I had to call Dr Hayes and tell him I wanted to work with him. Of course I was being dramatic out of my frustration, but by the look that washed over her was massive. She believes probably even more than I do on my good days that this is the will of God and I think it really got to her when I even dramatically mentioned forgetting it. I admit I have been upset. I really have. I hate this place. There are AREAS I like. I mean, Burbank and Glendale are nice. The church is certainly not a Godforsaken land here, but much of this place appears to be—maybe Godrejected (as in people rejecting Him) is a better term, but certainly without God. Who could like LA?

I did go by my work yesterday and that was good. I love Hasmik and Kevin (my bosses). Hasmik dragged me around the school making me talk with a Texas accent—and then she had me edit her letter to someone! It was funny. I really liked everyone I met and think I will be happy in that aspect of my life. I met a girl from Texas who also teaches there. I knew before she spoke she was a Christian. I loved her. Sure enough she and her husband are in LA from Fort Worth because he is attending Fuller Theological Seminary. That was nice.

Rents in Glendale appear too high from what I can see thus far. Burbank is fine but I just don’t have time. I HAVE To leave here with an address. If I get a PO box where do I get it? Tomorrow is a weekend day so places will be closed. ARGH! I am so incredibly exhausted. I have had two nice moments here—lunch with Lisa and Nat and lunch with David. I have had two other times that were good and helpful,. Talking and praying with Terry. Other than that I am not having a good trip.

Ad then there are the ghosts. The Ghosts of Susan Past are haunting me in this frustration. Tonight I was waiting for Terry at the church and finally opened the door of the sanctuary. Inside that sanctuary it is clear the presence of God hovers. I felt it as I opened the door, sobbing. I RAN for the altar and cried my eyes out. And all the while I was recalling every tear the old Susan has cried I that church. I was such a messed up loser and I have been feeling so rotten that even though I am not even relate to that loser, I start to feel like her.

And then there was the pit, the kick in the gut that happened this morning. I think that told me that the root of this is not the apartment problem but the soul problems. I won’t detail the kick. No one knew it happened. I told God—He knew. It shouldn’t have affected e that way. It absolutely shouldn’t have, but it opened a can of worms. The tears never stopped after that, except to be with David—he was the anti-kick.

He left me waiting because he got held up in a meeting. I knew he couldn't help it, so I sat in his executive office at the university and read one of his Bibles and a commentary. I read a lot but then I went to Song of Solomon. I read a verse that affected me—the actual verse from were we get out saying about the little foxes spoiling the vine. I tried to focus on my Holy Romance, but I feel anything but. The ghosts are strong and I am not sure what to do with them today. It has been a YEAR since I have been really like this—not as bad now as then, but still.

So I suppose I am moving here in just over a month… it is a weekend and I only have part of one business day left here. I have no home, no address, no storage unit rented, and I will be in Santa Barbara Monday night. It appears my Santa Maria trip is on hold during the day, though I am not sure what is going on with that. I might have to cancel SB at night if I don’t get things done, and I really don’t want to. So far I am clueless as can be. And weak. I am weak.

And adding to all that is the reversal of forecast. Indeed, I have barely seen the sun since arriving here. In two weeks, I have not seen the un for more than a day. It gets to you after a while. Everything is gloomier without sun.

June 17, 2003

I am writing this on a plane—next to some guy chewing tobacco. That is so gross. He is reading Men’s Health magazine. Duh! So anyway, I had no traffic en route to the airport—first time. This is the 7th flight I have been on since mid-April, the 9th since November. This doesn’t even seem like ME. This flight is 2 ½ hours. I will fly to Orange County, CA in the same time it would take me to drive to Fort Worth, Texas. I remember coming back from PA last year and feeling almost ripped off that I had to fly. We flew over DC and VA and the Midwest and I had not seen any of it. It seemed wrong to be that close but that far. But then spring came. Then I drove to CA and everything happened. And then I saw that road trips are a lot of fun, but when you want to be somewhere where the destination is more important than the drive, nothing tops a plane. I am a sold out frequent flyer now. But I haven’t given up road trips. Notice how I am getting to Vermont—flying into Boston, three hours way and renting a car, then spending my off times driving through New England—putting wear and tear in someone ELSE’S car (-:

So I am going back to Darrell and Terry’s. This will be my last visit there and that is going to be an adjustment too. Next time I will just be living there. I still can hardly believe all this has happened.

I just wrote in my journal—a habit during take off, and sometimes landing, because there is little you are allowed to do and I still hate taking off. Anyway, I have been keeping the same type of journal (3 subject, wire bound, small Mead notebooks) since all my spiritual stuff started in late 1997. I know it was no coincidence that I started a journal about a week before my life started changing—and I have kept them since. Every journal has a natural title. I mean, it just comes,. Sometimes if it doesn’t I just leave it blank until it does. And today it came even though I am not done.

THE CALL.

Really that is what this whole journal has chronicled. I started it soon after my aunt died and all that has happened has been incredible. The Call. I said in one blog how everything feels different when you know you are called. It is true. I will be walking around the apartment packing or something and it hits me again. I wonder what this is all going to bring. Is it like when you anticipate turning thirteen and being a teenager? The day comes and you wake up waiting to “feel” thirteen, but of course you don’t feel any different than yesterday. Will I be doing something in CA and suddenly know, THIS is why I came here, this is part of the call?

The healthy tobacco chewer next to me is Dallas PD. I saw his ID card when he opened his wallet to is the $3.99 per minute cell phone on the plane. I need to go to the bathroom soon, if the officer will excuse me. I am not really focused on writing in here or my journal so will pick this back up later too, but it is always nice to have it started!

I have about drained my battery playing solitaire. Mindless but a great time passer and more colorful than my Palm Pilot. We are about 1hour and 15 minutes from Santa Ana. Officer Gross is still chewing and had a Miller Light to go with it. Major grossiosity.

June 19—I am in Terry’s living room realizing I am behind on my blogs. I have been so BUSY since I arrived. The latest news is an issue with housing. I pretty much need to find a place NOW and have it HELD until I get here—which is not very likely. Darrell and Terry just left, and Darrell was teasing me, like pretending God was going to give me a perfect apt. if he laid hands on me. He left. Then he came back in the door and looked at me, “Seriously,” he said. “God does have the perfect apartment for you. You don’t need to stress and worry because he has it reserved for you.” I needed to hear that.

I am still feeling insecure. I hate that I am, but I am. Last night was my first Wednesday night at church there. They even have tambourines and dance on Wednesdays—wow! But it seemed almost ordinary until the testimony time. I am telling I can begin to see Terry’s immense heart for this place and these people. It is so AMAZING. I can’t explain it all in here, but my heart was moved in a way it rarely is just by listening. Then we all had to go to “Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles” in Hollywood. The name should say it all. D and T’s son DJ wanted his grandma to experience it. The same chicken that is Roscoe’s logo is the one on Jr. Food Mart’s all across the south. Truly creepy. It was a dive about which a major Hollywood movie is now being made. I really don’t like Hollywood. As I drove through Burbank yesterday (where all the studios are—few are left in Hollywood) I thought, you know God, you are bringing me to the pace where the very thing I HATE is produced. It produces many things that have degraded common decency and morality and made them trivial and reduced it all to nothing. I hate it. I really do. I hate movies and most modern forms of entertainment because I see the manipulation of people’s minds behind much of them. And now I have to drive by movie studios and Mercedes going in them to eat lunch. That is not to say it is all bad. There are companies that still produce good entertainment—family things and stuff. But mostly the big picture is a bit much for my mind. Anyway, that is an aside, but there we were eating, and there are three guys with us in there early 20s. They are core people in the church, and I a listening to them talk. I was amazed. They talked about God and preaching and worship and important stuff like that. Everything came back to God in the most natural way. So last night I think I got a glimpse into Terry’s love for the church. I saw it better.

The weather is gloomy today. Terry says I brought it along (-: ARGH! I WANT SUN! Well, I am off to Glendale to do paperwork and then to see Hasmik. And I hope to find that perfect place God has for me.

What a surprise. I woke up to THUNDERSTORMS. AGAIN…. Oh, wait! That was yesterday’s entry. No, it is today’s… I know, it is BOTH!! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Okay, now that I have vented again… yes, I awoke before 5 to thunderstorms. I think if I had not been going to prayer at 6 the last couple days, I would have been really upset! Anyway, that doesn’t matter because in a few hours I will be in my car, driving away from the downpour and to DFW Airport. By the time most of my friends read my blog today, I will be in sunny Southern California.

I tried packing last night. It was not a pleasant experience. Packing for a full week is hard when you have to have casual and professional clothes. Lisa gave me a suitcase at our yard sale that is really nice, and I thought I would finally not use my dance duffel bags but a real suitcase like normal travelers. But Alas! duffel bags hold more! Anyway, I am still determined to take the suitcase! But I will have to check two bags. But then I remembered, I don’t have to bring it all back! I have some shoes and stuff I can leave there and just get when I return! Wow!

This trip should be good I won’t see Terry as much as usual, which isn’t good, but a full week—the longest I have had since all this started. This is my FOURTH trip to Los Angeles since mid-March. No one would believe this! People who knew me when I first came here are in shock, eyes big. They all heard me say how much I hated it and would never go back.

It will be hard to leave this time, though, because I will come home for almost 6 weeks. Terry and Darrell will be in Europe and then D.C. so it is even worse because I won’t even get to TALK to her or email him. I know I have a lot to do, but that is also why I need to WORK. I need something productive to do that is outside of my little world of packing. It will be a long sabbatical.

Hasmik (my boss) wrote yesterday. She is full of enthusiasm and love. How this woman who doesn’t know me can love me is beyond me! She reminded me that “you and Kevin still have to do a faculty meeting Texas accent show!” Kevin is my other boss—the co-principal—Hasmik and Kevin. I AM SO BLESSED! I wrote back and told her that. DO you know what she said? She said she was blessed because she found a “darling and wonderful gal” like me from Texas.

This morning at prayer I thought about that. You know, in even the area of the San Fernando Valley I was looking for jobs, the odds are about that of finding a needle in a haystack that I could find this job in this school. I would not have know how to even find the school! I am in awe of how God, when He had ONE day, managed to get me to that school in that office. It is entirely amazing. Cynics, take note! That was not a coincidence. Where do people think coincidences come from anyway, the forces in the atmosphere?! It is God. And He is so real—so real. WOW!!!!!!

Anyway, it is almost 8:30 and I have to make this packing thing work out! I plan to leave by 12:30 at the latest. My flight is at 3:50 into Orange County. I will probably be at Darrell and Terry’s by 7 p.m. tonight. I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to be in the sun.

What a surprise. I woke up to THUNDERSTORMS. AGAIN. If only they will stay at bay long enough for me to get on my airplane tomorrow and for us to fly above them, I will be in a nice climate. It never stops. Thunder and lightning. There was a day I would have been thrilled. The middle of June and still in the 60s and 70s—but I actually would prefer it disgustingly hot., At least the rumble doesn’t make your head pound. You just hide out in the air conditioned house lamenting Southern summers. But this is ridiculous. I think it might be worse than last winter when I started this blog and could not wait to get to California and spring. But what is so amazing is to read back on that and my longings for spring—then to look at my song and that line “winter is gone and the springtime has come.” What God did with one little idea!

Well, I am going to early prayer. Maybe by the time it is over the storms will pass for a few hours.

I miss my friend. My heart is aching and my eyes are suddenly as red as my sunburn. I don’t think I knew it went this deep until I heard the catch in my voice. I couldn't catch it; the tears were falling too suddenly.

And then I saw the picture of my aunt on the screensaver and suddenly it felt like too much was ending.

My heart is sore.

It was TWENTY years ago this very day I was dragged kicking and screaming (literally) into Klein Bottle, the runaway shelter, in Santa Maria. Of course I was 13 then, and a mess. This year, the start of this road trip, I returned. They would call me a success story, but the success was God.

Today I helped Vee with some streamer stuff. I had a better time doing that than anything I have done all week. When you share something like that with people, it is so fulfilling. Again, the same hearts. Almost sad to find her again and then move away. But in some ways it is also neat that after all the years of struggling and praying that dance is coming in, perhaps the back way, but it is. And I get to have a little part of it even though I am not there. People like Tara and Vee are the types of love. They let me grow up. Some of those people would be shocked to see me onstage doing “Dance with Me.” Oh well, they never will anyway. It was wonderful. I saw Deanna and Gerri too Deanna had heard I might move back to CA and she was very surprised. Anyone who knew how I felt about it was. God God God. He gets all the credit. Talk about changing a heart.

I HATE this weather. I detest it. I despise it. I abhor it. My head starts to rumble like the thunder after hours and days of hearing it in the backyard. Rain rain all the time. I have so much to do, so many things in the car to bring in. It seems every time I come home I leave everything in the car and run for cover. It is just depressing. Today I almost rolled off the road because the middle of the Loop was flooded so badly. It is too much at once. Too much. I am getting very down. It is hard to be bounce-around cheery when all there is is drear. I have all the lights on all day long. It never stops. Are there any cheery people in England? When my friend lived in England she was very down by all the weather. At the time I wanted to trade her climates. Now I live for sun.

In four days I will be back in sunny Southern California, but right now it feels like a life sentence is dreariness.

And I am supposed to have a MEGA garage sale tomorrow.

Somebody forgot to tell East Texas that it is spring.

It feels like a winter night. It is 5 p.m. and virtually dark. It is raining. Again. It is always raining. The streets flood daily, and lightning strikes all over the place. I walk through the house singing “Sleigh Ride” and other winter and Christmas songs. I am so disoriented that I have forgotten it is still spring.

Days from summer, the brightest of all seasons and torrential rainfall befalls us.

I can handle it as long as it stops for my moving sale Saturday. Tuesday I will be in CA again. The forecast there is sunny and warm. Again.

I guess I am going to Vermont. I bought a plane ticket tonight. Two days ago plane tickets were $305. By tonight the same flight was $481. I had put a reservation on hold. I decided to buy once I saw how cheap I could get a hotel. I had a $100 travel voucher and so I got a $500 ticket to Boston for $200! I fully intend to make very penny of that Saturday in my garage sale!!! The hotel breakthrough was what did it. I had a place reserved but it cost more than I wanted to pay because on July 4 it jumped up ONLY for that one night. I tried something new—I decided to check out July 4 and not stay the night, then drive down to Boston and stay July 4 and 5. Sure enough. Somehow actually checking in ON the holiday did NOT subject me to higher rates and so I have CHEAPO hotel rooms for New England on July 4. But the best part is that on my return flight there is not ONE available seat anymore. You know what that means. I have an EXCELLENT chance of getting bumped. When they ask for volunteers I will be first in line. Being bumped means free tickets. There is a method to my madness. I have an AWFUL seat on that flight—in the back in the middle of two people. Not a single aisle or window was open. I HATE that. But I intend to be bumped—if not I will read a very long book for four hours.

I locked in hotels and rental cars, but I might change those. The ticket was the biggie—buy it or forget it. The main reason I am going is to be in New England and get away. I am being honest: Ministry is secondary this time. Let’s face it, no one is impressed with the ministry moniker anyway. No one cares—okay Darrell and Terry do, and I think Robin does, but I think she worries about all my travel. But I just know I have to be away. I hesitated on this trip. Money money money. And I truly almost did not do it. But it is just fear. Blasted poopie fear. I am going to be an aggressive garage sale queen Saturday. And by golly if I have to go to work for temp agencies for a bit, I will! (In fact I already applied.)

Anyway, my brain is very full and I intend to empty it in New England! I was thinking of going elsewhere.

I thought, okay, Tyrrell, fine, go away, but go somewhere cheaper—not the 4th of July week when everything is at a premium. So I looked up where John Bevere would be, looked up worship conferences. I almost signed up for one in Dallas—the big dance one, but it is $200 for the conference and another $200 for the hotel—and on the off chance my class makes, I could not do both. It was close. I sat there wondering what I could do… states I have not been to in my quest to see all 50. But you know what came out of my mouth?

“I have done everything I want to do.”

Now of course that is not entirely true. I want to sky dive and fly a plane and dance on Pointe on stage and a bunch of other things. I have yet to see all 50 states, though my numbers will increase dramatically next month. So I did not literally mean I had done EVERYTHING. But in some ways the truth of that rang in me. I have lived such a full life of doing stuff the last few years. Now it is time to settle down. It is like I came to Texas, grew up, learned to live and now I am going home. Darrell says it best in the first video from spring break-only he was making a joke. How true it was.

Does this make sense? It does inside, but I can’t even explain it all yet. But I do know that New England is the one place I want to see. I can’t think of many places I have not been that I am dying to see—Minnesota and Montana maybe just for their own beauty. But after falling hopelessly in love with PA and seeing upstate NY and bits and pieces of that area, I am very excited to spend my last blast trip with God on the East Coast, savoring the gorgeous beauty and cool summer breezes of the New England region. Temp work will be my friend!!!

Meanwhile let’s all remember that July 14 is my citizenship interview. They are going to ask me what America means to me, blah blah blah. And how absolutely COOL to say that I spent the 4th of July in Boston. How appropriate.

Plymouth Rock, here I come.

Will it surprise anyone that I am driving myself crazy? I have no job. I always have a job, but this summer I have, GASP, free time. What does a person used to tons of busyness do? I think it is actually EASIER To spend time with God when my time is limited. You know what I do now? I sit at this blasted computer plugging in searches for everything on earth related to moving and scare myself to death when I see things like car insurance rates. They are almost FOUR times what they are here—not that I won’t shop around, but so far it is looking BAD. Then TRS came back at me with a “up to ten weeks” timeframe to get me my check. I was trying to get out of her what the true average was. When you order things by mail they tell you “four to six weeks” and they usually come in 2-3, you know? She sounded like a government robot. “Up to ten weeks. Up to ten weeks.” The chant grated on my raw emotions.

I have mostly decided I can’t afford to roll over any money. I have sought wise counsel from financial friends. No one will make any time for me. I have been asking for weeks. So now it is too late. I need to have my forms at TRS before my trip to CA next week. I mean, after all, it could take “up to ten weeks up to ten weeks polly want a cracker up to ten weeks…”

I need to go to Vermont. I NEED to be away. I never want to go two weeks without working again. This is agony. I need my kids. Any kids. Give me a class to teach.

Sometimes I understand anarchy. The word literally means AGAINST (and without) GOVERNMENT. Let’s see, the insurance commission won’t regulate insurance rates (state agency), the TRS has to go through paperwork and have checks later issued by the STATE comptroller, the public colleges in Texas underwent STATE level budget cuts that, in effect, cut my summer job and I did not know it until a few days before, so I had no chance to get anything else. (Ironically CA had major education budget cuts too, but there they blame the Democratic governor and his agenda as a Democrat and here they blame the Republican governor and his agenda as a Republican—being a part of two states an the education cuts right now gives me a very interesting perspective on partisan issues!) The STATE of California wants 2 percent of the value of my vehicle, on top of regular registration fees, to let my car in the STATE.

Anarchy. Not a bad idea on days like this.

The final pieces have come together. Honestly, I think if I try to explain the myriad of things this weekend it won’t make sense. The last was that TRS was saying I could not get my money until my last paycheck in August, and added to that it was ILLEGAL to borrow against retirement. So there I stood, feeling trapped. And yet it just made me MAD. I was mad because I KNOW I am supposed to go and anything standing in my way was making me mad!

So all weekend I searched for answers. I also wrote the payroll person at my school district here. I was not especially calm, I must admit. Today she wrote back and I won’t detail the 7 or so emails, but the bottom line is this: I discovered that upon resigning from TISD, one has a CHOICE. You can do it the way TRS told me OR you can take a payout and receive ALL THREE REMAINING MONTHS SALARY IN JUNE! Yikes! I have to admit it scared me a bit—that means a check in June and not another one til OCTOBER, but I called my best friend for advice and decided it was best. I will put two thirds in my savings and not touch it until the 19th of the next month, etc. The point is NOT the salary, but that taking my salary early will allow TRS to release my money and there is the moving money. But because I am me, I have to be really careful to FORGET that money is there until the next scheduled payday!

Another option had come over the weekend too through something else. It was not the number one perfect choice, But I was so thankful for it because it was another assurance of an answer. Then this morning it hit me: There I was debating my options to be sure I made the right decision. And I actually started worrying a bit and then I realized it:

THE MONEY IS THERE.

I am not sure exactly which way is best to work it all, but the bottom line is that it is there. Of course soon after I decided to go ahead and do the payoff option. The other option was God’s mercy on me—a way of reassuring me, I think, that it would be okay. But it was there and the faithfulness of God really struck me with that thought.

Meanwhile the other loose end was tried with a phone call from Terry—the pastor’s wife in California. The other great dilemma of the weekend was Robin and Steve and us timing it right for them to drive me out there and also get back for Steve’s work—while simultaneously timing it with my lease ending, lower prices on the moving truck, discount plane fares back and the fact that Darrell and Terry would be out of town some of those days. It seemed like we hit a brick wall at every corner and I was so frustrated. They came over after church yesterday and we discovered I needed the next size up in moving trucks and we worked all that out and then our dates did NOT work.

I finally called Terry to be sure of the dates they were gone. I was so frustrated because it is very important to me that they meet each other—especially because Robin is my spiritual mother and this is God calling me and moving me for a purpose. That is one reason Robin even wanted to take me out there—as a sort of spiritual transport also. Beyond that I was already a bit sad because at first Robin was going to get to be there the day I danced that song at their church. But then that changed too. So it really felt lousy that they might not even get to meet my pastors—the spiritual place they were taking me, but maybe at least they could see the dance when I do it here—but they can’t meet Darrell and Terry here!

Then a few hours after discovering the news about the money, the phone rang—Terry. She told me the dates that they would be gone were CHANGED and now it was the next week. All of a sudden that fell into place. We got the $125 plane tickets for them to come back, and we get to have dinner, all of us together that Tuesday night. I was so happy! I wish she could be there for the dance, but at least everything else was perfect.

And so in a day it came together perfectly. Only one thing remains—finding an apartment when I get there. And you know what? That is a no brainier. The same God who could orchestrate the perfect harmony of the job, the travel times and dates and the money, can certainly find me an apartment and other services I need when I get there. All the big stuff is in perfect place. WOW!!!!!!!!!! I won’t stop praying, of course, for all else that must happen in smaller areas, but I am not worried. How can I be? God is BEYOND faithful with this. I am even amazed at how MUCH I see Him in this!

We will drive out of here August 3 and arrive the evening of August 4. On the 5th we will unload the truck, have dinner with them and on the 6th they will leave, and I guess my life will officially begin there. I am glad that is a Wednesday so I can go straight to church. It will help the adjustment! Wow this is major.

Once all that worked out I set my mind to seeing if I could go to Vermont in July. It turns out I can still get a bargain ticket despite the holiday weekend, but I would need a car too. I have also considered driving—taking several days and making it my last blast in that sense, Of course the reason I want to go is a major ministry conference with Shachah. I have been to many but this one is different, more major with a serious ministry purpose and I really want to go. The plan as of today is to have a garage sale this weekend (yes, I have begun packing) and if I make enough then I will go to Vermont. So pray that people with cash drive by! HA! But I really want to go if possible. It seems like the natural thing to do considering that my college classes did not make and I have all this free time anyway. To miss such a thing the one time I AM off work seems silly. And to culminate my ministry time with them at their international conference could be appropriate. So I am believing the money for this ministry trip will come—even if it is through selling my old junk (and how did I GET so much junk anyway?!) So if it doesn’t rain I will give it a shot Friday and Saturday.

Meanwhile it was very interesting this evening when my friend and I were packing and she noticed some loose papers in the back of my desk. Viola! I discovered my lost driver’s license—only what is so AMAZING is that I am almost sure I threw OUT that boarding pass that had it in it—and that is where it was, in the slot in my boarding pass, used to get on the plane home from New York. I threw out one and that was the only one I could not find. And there it was. You know that license was symbolic of all the things that TRIED to go wrong in the last week-and-a-half. Had I not discovered it missing (by God’s grace) a few hours before going to LA, I would not have been able to do some of what I got to do related to my job, and it is even debatable as to whether I would have had enough ID to get on the plane—I found out early, so I got my temporary one. And it felt like something was trying to stop me because it was so extreme. Somehow getting it back on the day that all the pieces came together seemed appropriate. I laughed. Then I made a face—“the devil tried to steal this,” I said. And the chapter ended. I still think I threw it out, though. WOW! So now in a few days when the new one gets here, I will have TWO Texas driver’s licenses— just 7 weeks or so before I move to California.

I will use the one with the best picture.

Things are better. A miracle happened that basically assured me the money will be there to move regardless of what the State of Texas does. But you know what? I think that solution was merely an answer to my prayer of mercy, that I not have to hang in limbo. God is being gracious to me. I won’t need it because I will have my money; I believe that.

I wrote the probate court tonight in South Carolina. If that money comes through sooner than TRS I can borrow from that, replace it with TRS money and still be using my own money. We will see. But it is all a go.

Crazy day with Robin and Steve and trying to plan the truck and stuff. More changes—and I don’t think Rob will EVER see me dance. It NEVER works out and so I quit. That breaks my heart here and there for little spurts, I cry then move on. But I long for her to be there. I couldn’t have never danced without her, and now I fear she will never see it. In this case it was just a bonus, not the reason, but it was just going to be so special because of how it all worked out.

I still don’t know when we are leaving. It was PERFECT. All settled. And then it fell apart. Again. I wish so much I had a place to take my stuff to, not just random storage. But I can’t imagine how that could be.

Because I know one way or another the moving money is there, I have the option of going to Vermont. I just could not decide til I knew. I really think I want to and am praying. I can get a cheap flight but hotels and rental cars add up. I am seriously thinking of driving. A road trip up the East Coast in summer is SO appealing. It also is crazy! But I have some reasons for wanting to go that I would not even dare blog. They are that personal. They are good, but nothing I would share… but those reasons alone make me want to take a road trip. In some ways this blog must be at the end of its cycle. Susan’s Road Trip, both literally, and now metaphorically, has almost ceased. When I arrive in LA in August, that will be it,. It could be appropriate to have another road trip on here before it stops. (Let’s face it, though, we all know I will begin another blog when I arrive. It will have a different URL but will still be my blog. I wonder if I will call it The Honeymoon. I will explain this marriage thing in a future blog, but it is not about literal marriage, of course.)

I shared my miracle in church tonight. I told about Hasmik and the job and what God did—and how I almost missed it and was wondering if I had totally missed God just right before it happened. The more I tell it the more I see the true miracle of it. WOW! People really rejoiced with me. Pastor commented a lot and shared with the church how I had come to him a couple months ago about moving. He even talked about how he read EVERY WORD of my email—and joked it was long but he doesn’t want to miss anything. That made me feel good. Jan, of course, held up her hands to indicate a LONG letter and said, yes, they are VERY long. It was hysterical. Everyone who has read a Susan Letter was laughing. Pastor said I am a journalist so I write a lot. Yeah, and I just plain talk a lot—that is the truth! He joked that he could not believe I could tell that story so quickly! It was great.

I got to seriously dance today. Usually in church we don’t do the kind of free worship, prophetic dance, we did today, but we barley used anything but our hands and feet. And, man, was I feeling free. In some ways I am even freer these days because I am only half here anyway. But I was able to just dance as the Spirit led me, and was surprised to see some of the new things God has placed in me in the dance. Much of it has come out of my “Dance with Me” song. I can see the fruit of my practice, and it is neat. Of course all that choreography is God’s. It is the most prophetic choreographed dance I know! Tonight we even danced to “Moving with the Lamb.” I have known that song over a year but I don’t know why I never thought of it as a dance kind of moving, and Pastor Steven related it to dancing with Jesus—and the feel was the same as my song. I was back talking to Luella who was encouraging me to just move with it. But I told her it was not the time. We don’t tend to dance Sunday nights. Then suddenly Pastor Steven called the dancers to dance during the ministry time. Luella had it all along. It was amazing. It was so neat today.

I am about to get in bed and write a letter to Terry and get to sleep. Tomorrow Monday, is the big good-bye. I can’t recall the last time I said good-bye to a really wonderful friend, but I have to tomorrow. The Doc is leaving. I am losing one of my best friends.

The word Terry gave me was about God restoring to us everything we give up for the Kingdom—more fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers etc. IN THIS LIFE—I quoted that tonight as I shared about Hasmik and how God has lessened the blow with such a great job and principal. It was so neat to realize.

But tomorrow will still be sad. I have lots of dark chocolate for his journey—and a ballerina card so he will remember his loony, dancing buddy.

I still don’t know how this is all going to work out. The truck and gas is about $1000. Storage is another $150 or so. I need two tires on my car. At some point I will pay $1500 or more to move in a place in CA. I have to register my car in the state which is hundreds of dollars. We have hotels on our way to CA, plane tickets back for them. I need to rent a PO box when I go out next week. I guess it makes sense that I am a bit overwhelmed and trying to figure it all out! It is a bit nuts, huh? I am a planner. I want it all together. You cannot be haphazard with all this—it is too complicated.

Luella is coming over tomorrow to help me pack and just visit. I might have more answers tomorrow too—TCTA lawyers (I am trying to get my money released now since I fulfilled my contract already), probate court, Texas A&M Commerce where I am likely taking two grad school classes second term so I can boost my Glendale pay $3000 a year and also have the financial help now. Lots of stuff. Maybe that is why I always liked Mondays. For a person who has Interminable Hope, the start of the week brings potential for more. Interminable Hope. Yup.

Hope does not disappoint.

What a special day this was from last year—the day of the major deliverance. The last push of labor into the start of intense freedom.

Last year at this time I had no frequent flyer miles. As of this morning my account posts 10, 844 with another 1000 on the way. It seems symbolic of my life lately.

Today Pollyanna here is rather cranky. My brain is flooded with moving details and a lot of people with opinions. Everything costs so much. I just found out a $40 storage building here cost $120 there. I wish I could just move right into a place. I wrote a TCTA lawyer about the TRS stuff, but I don’t think I have any leeway.

I finally came to bed. I am drained. Exhausted. I want to crawl in a cave til the details are worked out. What do I know about this junk?!

I think I am taking two college classes next term. I will increase my Glendale salary by $3000 and also receive financial aid.

I wish I had someone to apartment hunt with me in LA and help me with all these details. I have never done anything like this; everyone has an opinion. I need hands and eyes.

I wrote a short but curt letter to the editor tonight. I expect they will print it and every liberal in town will hate me. They won't miss me when I am gone.

Going to zone out now. I think I will write a long letter to Terry.

I had a great time seeing old friends tonight at Tara's. I love Tara and her family. I enjoyed talking to Randel and Sue also--except Randel gave me bad news. It is ILLEGAL for a financial institution to loan money against a retirement plan! Yikes. This is not looking good--and yet it is looking like when I lost my driver's license last week--like a set up for God to move in.

Storage shed. Credential. More expenses for my trip in 10 days or so. HOW is this going to come together????

The job story is the surest sign of God's hand. People at the party talked about it. I know.

I can't shake Vermont. Many reasons are internal, but I am not sure I should give up yet. Sounds CRAZY with all these things, but God can do amazing stuff. Interminable hope. (I wish ministry paid sometimes!)

Why do we do anything but pray sometimes? People in general. Why is it the last resort when others are involved? I know better. We know better.

TRS says I can’t have any pf my money until TISD makes my final deposit. I counted on $3000 I was not rolling over into an IRA to move. I am a bit discouraged. I can’t imagine how this will work out—I have no summer job and no extra money—less than I usually have actually—and I am supposed to rent a truck and move across country? But somehow I believe this is going to work out. IT has to. I KNOW I am suppose to be there.

I emailed Hasmik today to ask if I could come by on the 18th or 19th. She was delighted to hear from me, welcomed me either day and, of course, signed her letter “Love, Hasmik.” She is pretty easy to love herself. I am so blessed. This job is GOD GOD GOD. I guess that is why I can even believe money will fall form the sky. It is not that I don’t HAVE it; it is that I don’t have it in TIME.

Well, Glendale Unified said my fingerprints cleared the day I did them, so I do final paperwork the 19th, assuming I can get all my transcripts, etc together. I made an appt. today. I still so badly want to go to Vermont for this conference. I feel like I need to be there, and yet there is not even money to rent a truck. I can’t wait to see how God works this all out!

I am off to Robin’s for the night. Maybe we can figure some stuff out too. Ciao!

3 a.m. Those three hour naps don't help you sleep through the night. I am getting up by 8. I am making a schedule. This is too much! I am thinking of driving to Vermont. It is so long, but I can't imagine sitting here. It is hard because the money is coming soon after. Do I pass up an East Coast road trip or do I go? Probably I should not decide at 3 a.m.

I feel like I am getting married.

It is 8 p.m. and I am in bed with a stupid headache. I think it is sleep related but between that and the dog next door I want to be asleep! Today was my limit of time off! Two free days with nothing to do was TOO MUCH! Tomorrow I go on a schedule! I actually sat here tonight looking at TJC continuing ed classes, looking for some morning class I could take to have a routine. Here I am with all this free time and I didn’t get to plan ahead for it so I don’t have anything exciting to do. I know I can pack and am glad for the time, but I think 1) I am a bit overwhelmed and 2) it is two months away so there is not THAT much Ican do yet! Besides I cannot sty cooped up inside. So who knows?! I could have started a dance class or signed up for something or made plans. My students are writing the college asking for the second summer class to make but the boss is saying 15 or no go. What a change from the days they lived to serve students and would make a class with 4. It is sad. My pocketbook is especially sad.

And I guess that means Vermont is out. That makes me really sad because I wanted to go so much and now I am free, and I would even be able to pay for it—let’s face it if I had to I could take a few hundred dollars from my TRS. But that won’t be here in time and the thought of sitting at home with nothing planned when all of Shachah is ministering in Vermont makes me very sad. Tonight I tried mapping it, but it is a 27 hour drive too! I don’t see any easy way to do this. I can get a discount ticket for $300, but I won’t HAVE $300 before the conference—plus the hotel, plus the conference fees. So I am a bit frustrated because I have all this extra time but the things I could enjoy it with are not open to me because of the loss of income. Boo hoo. And hoo.

Ce la vie. Anyway, I spent all afternoon with Doctor again. Only one more day and the friends part ways. I think he is happy for me with my new job and that I seem to have found a boss who appreciates me as a professional and yet also seems to appreciate my unique ways. Monday will be sad. It is good, and God has moved in both of our lives, but it will be sad. His office is bare. He throws things in boxes haphazardly. I told him to take a message to his wife from me. I said to tell her SHE needed to do the packing of the house if she did not want to go loony when they arrived in Clear Stream.

I called an investment firm today and kind of understand how to do all my TRS money. It is funny—Susan invests! Good old retirement. It was like I was saving up to move.

Tomorrow I go to Robin’s and then we go to Tara’s. It will be fun. Rob and I have lots of details to hash out about this move. And then I have my TX video to show her—it is funny. I also want to show her my dance with the new outfit if I have time and energy.

What a pitiful blog. I fell asleep before I could finish it. I woke up twice—both times to the dog. I can’t wait to move. It is 11:30 and I took a 3 hour nap. Will I ever catch up on my sleep again?

“I was thinking about you the other day, Miss Tyrrell,” Dr Hayes said to me today.

“Oh., yeah?” I asked. “What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that wherever you go they will be fortunate to have you… you are loyal and a good person….” he said more, his praise resounding in my heart.

It sounded a lot like Barbara tonight who said that I deserved my job because “You are the best of the best.” I did not even think she was serious. She was.

How nice it is to hear these kind words of confidence. And yet Darrell’s words echo in my mind when I tell him I think he is the best and he is unimpressed with himself.

“I know where I am cut from, and it is not impressive” he says.

I got an epic from him today—he was writing a lot asking me if we could change my dance date. No big deal—even though I am chomping at the bit to do it. I will do it the first Sunday I am in LA officially—and that will be a nice way to enter and so it will be neat. But boy and I ready to do it somewhere. Even here in Tyler I probably won’t do it til July 25 or August 3 is Pastor Steven sticks with that last Sunday idea. So I will keep practicing—keep dancing with the Lover of my Soul.

I can dance on Pointe now for extended periods of time. I am going to have to enroll in a class once I get to LA. It is time.

It was so nice to sleep in. I can do about one more day of this before I have to get on some schedule though. Right now it is not looking really positive for my second summer session class—we need 15 enrolled all of a sudden and it is down. I need to get into a routine that allows me exercise that I am disciplined to do, more Bible reading than I do now, and more prayer time. Also, less eating time would be good! I will get there within a day or two.

I bought a new plane ticket today. Since March I have not lived a day or two without a plane ticket in my world. I will fly into Orange County this time because the fare was $195. Then I was pricing rental cars and they were all too high. Then I saw some special and if you clicked on the one link it was $119 for the week, but the same company listed its price at close to $200, Amazing what you can get if you read carefully. I decided I could swing it. By the time I drive and spend two nights in hotels I am spending almost $300 anyway.

After this last trip, Tyler really does not feel like home. The pangs and regret are gone. The certainty and peace floods my soul and I know that the next two months are simply a vacation in Tyler before I begin life in Los Angeles.

Maybe Barbara said it best when she told Jan why this was happening now:

She had to get free first.

June 2-3, 2003

Well, I am not sure it gets anymore incredible than this! I have a job. But it is more than that; it is how it all happened. I previously wrote about how Glendale Unified emailed Saturday and I sent my résumé on. But I knew they would have to call first thing and get me in or it would not work. It was my long shot. God likes long shots.

Terry and I went to North Hollywood to get my rental car and then on to the church. She was showing me where they envisioned building a dance studio. We came out of there and my cell phone had a call missed on it. Sure enough—Glendale. Well, they were hoping to get me in early but I said I had another interview at 3:15. The secretary was going to call right back and possibly have me go right then. When she did, she said 4—and I had to push it to 4:30 because my 3:15 was in the Studio City/North Hollywood area. So Terry took me to my interviews. We simply dropped the car off in Glendale so I would not be running late trying to figure out freeways. At the first one in LA Unified, I had to wait a while. I was not even seated. Finally the dept. head and asst. principal saw me—the dept. head basically had three minutes and then had an appointment. What I told him impressed him, he said, and that was good. The principal was running late and asked if I was in a hurry—there was another interviewee waiting too. She said she was not, but I said I was because I had another interview. He asked me later where that was and did not seem really happy I was heading toward Glendale. He seemed to like me and spoke of hiring me. He said I should go to my other interview first and gave me his card, but I even had to ask him if he wanted me to call him. He seemed rather scattered. It was an odd interview—but I think he would hire me. He talked about how he could get a waiver even though he was suppose to hire a minority and stuff. Wild. Finally I was free—and rather clueless. It was a good school, but it didn’t feel great. I decided I had to see Glendale first.

Arriving at Hebert Hoover High school was a much different experience. It seemed much more, well, professional. I was seated and even though I had to wait, it was fine. I read over school brochures and stuff. It seemed impressive. Glendale has a heavy Armenian population. The principal’s name was decidedly Armenian and so are many of the kids. They had a blanket with all the school organizations on it. One was the Islamic something-or-other council. I decided they needed a Bible club to make all sides equal! (of course I did). So finally this lady comes out to meet me, calling me “darling” and saying how she was so sorry to keep me waiting. But her “darling” was sincere—you could tell. She was a bit scattered with all the last minute stuff, but I had all my paperwork with me, so I gave her copies. She read some of it, but mostly we talked. She was very impressed with my background at Lee and the academies because they had sent people to Houston for the same program and so I understood that. Before that conversation was up, she was ready to hire me. She looked at me and with her very cool accent said “I like you.” I laughed and said that I liked her too. She said she was very serious, that she could tell after five minutes of she wanted to hire someone and she liked me—I had a “lovely personality.” Okay!

She was supposed to check my references first, of course. She asked if there were any skeletons in my closet. I laughed and told her, no, everything was going to check out fine.

So next she gets on the phone to the director of human resources for the district—this mysterious person to whom I have submitted my application and who sent out the email Saturday. She pretended I was not in the office and went on about how much she loved me and had to have me. I mean, it was hysterical. She pulled the woman out of a meeting at 5 p.m. to get her on the phone to make her offer me a job! So I talked to her for a while like we were old friends. The human resources person laughed and said that I better accept or the principal would have me in a body lock. The principal—who asked me to call her by her first name—how WEIRD for me!—Hasmik. But everyone does—told the human resources person that she thought LA Unified was going to offer me a job tomorrow—she asked me about that interview and told me, no I could not go over there! It was so funny. So the human resources person offered me a position.

The details were a pain. It was 5 p.m. and my plane was scheduled for 8:48 a.m. but I need to go do fingerprints before I can be officially hired. The state of CA requires $106 to get fingerprinted and so I was faced with that too. After a bunch of trying to figure it all out I decided to see if I could stay longer to do that because once they clear then when I return later in the month I can have my processing interview where I sign my contract.

So I came home and had DJ call Terry—she and Darrell were headed to Westwood to dinner. I had to ask if I could stay longer—of course that was fine, though she would not be around. I called the airline and learned that if I flew stand-by at any time later in the same day, as long as there was space, it would not cost me anything, and I had the rental car til noon. So I took my chance with stand-by because it is Burbank on a Tuesday.

The whole thing was BIZARRE. I do tend to interview well, but this was extreme. For example, the co-principal, Kevin—also first name, had lived in Texas a while but also New York—se he was doing accents and I was joking with him. Then The lady wanted to hear a Texas accent so I was standing there telling my favorite Texas accent story—with Hasmik and Kevin! She said he and I needed to do a skit in the faculty show and we needed to do something at the first faculty meeting. I figured that was the time to announce I did pirouettes in the classroom. So I told them if they walked by my room and saw me dancing, the kids were learning. She said “I love it.”

She wanted me to call the airline right then to see if I could change my flight, but I did not have my travel info along. So she gave me her home and cell number and asked me to call later and tell her. When I did, she was thrilled to hear from me.

As I was leaving, the male principal emerged from his adjoining office with a MEGAPHONE and bellowed “YOU DID GOOD!” to me. HELLO! It was like a bizarre movie. No joke—I have never experienced anything so wild.

And while the whole interview story is an animated tale of amusement as well as extreme favor of God, the bottom line is that was it. Glendale is a city I love. It is 10 minutes from the church, but such a pretty city that is set apart. It sits at the bottom of the Foothills—so it is surrounded by gorgeous mountains. Anybody following the mountain motif in this blog?!

I could barely process it all. I called Robin and Beverly, but it still was not kicking in. It hit when I went back to Glendale later that night and was driving down Glenoaks Blvd. I got very weepy and thankful. It started hitting me how unusual this all was and what a great job I had just been given. This is a good district with a nationally ranked school. It is new and pretty and I have great favor with my bosses already. If there was ever a doubt, it vanished.

Even little stuff fit. A couple days before Terry had gotten a continuing education flyer from Glendale Community College. They have dance classes and I found one I wanted to take—a couple actually—and was happy to have found that already here. The place where the classes are held is pretty much around the corner from the school. Glendale also has a nice community college if I want to teach adjunct classes. The city itself is nice and clean and very UN-Los Angeles. And it was the first place I said I wanted to live if given a choice. The pay is almost as high at LA, a small difference. The benefits are great. The rent is lower, and the area is nicer. Last night as I drove around, I felt at home finally. I knew that I knew that I knew. That was it. I could not wait to go home to my little apt. in Glendale and go to work at the school God is obviously placing me at and see what His assignment there is.

Terry came home and we ran to my room so I could tell her. She was in awe also. She was just praising God. Finally she grabbed my hand and said we just had to pray because it was so awesome. Then I told Darrell the story and he was pretty amazed. Terry had gone to bed and as Darrell was going too, he said good night. He joked “I would say ‘God bless you ‘but He already had.” It was so amazing.

This morning I emailed Hasmik. She wanted me to stay in touch. I told her I was going to get my prints done, would be back in a couple weeks and would move out in early August—she wants me to come some before school starts and is paying for that. She write back right away. Her letter began “:Hey Girl” and ended “Love, Hasmik.” Yeah, this is my boss! “Love, Hasmik”!

When I went to human resources today, the director came out to meet me after the whirlwind yesterday. She said Hasmik is just all over, and made hand motions much like people do to describe my free spiritedness. Maybe that is why. That and the favor of God on me. Any teacher will tell you that was an AMAZING and highly unlikely job interview. And might I add that this is CA where teachers were laid off this year! She had four English positions. I seemed to be the first she interviewed because the notice just went out Saturday night that they were open. She told me she had 25 people coming in to interview, but now she only had three positions. She is a precious lady too—wow—how amazing! And I can still do pirouettes in my classroom.

So today I went to human resources and the director’s secretary seemed like she had no clue who I was. I told her, yeah, it happened at 5 p.m. yesterday. So she went to see the director and came out saying, yes, she knew me and we would start my paperwork. Then I found out fingerprinting was only from 2:30-3:30 p.m. and the last flight to DFW was 2:15. I was disappointed because I knew that was the schedule city hall had for fingerprints. But we decided I would come the 16th and do that and then hopefully by the end of my week there the would clear and I could do my contract. Still, I was disappointed. So as I was leaving, I decided it never hurts to ask. I went to City Hall and found the office. I explained I had a flight leaving and could not come back and asked if there was any way they could do it now. He said sure, he would take me right away. So I got it done so I will be clear by when I come back! When I called the secretary to tell her to be watching for it, she seemed surprised I had been able to get it done! Go God!

Darrell prayed for me before I left too and it touched me so much to hear his faith and confidence in God for me. What an amazing work God has done in all of our relationships. And what awesome people Darrell and Terry are. I can’t believe these wonderful friends are also going to be my pastors. How blessed can I be?!

Yes, of course I got on my stand-by flight pretty much immediately. In fact, I am typing the rest of this on that flight—I am in the back and have TWO seats to myself. That is good since I am exhausted physically. I have barely slept in all my excitement! Not sure exactly the date I am coming back. Due to CA teaching requirements this is costing me lots more right now for all the paperwork—and now I have the credential application too! Hasmik offered to loan me the $106 for fingerprinting even! Of course I refused, but I was astounded. Anyway, I WANT to fly and rent a car for the few days I need one, but I am not sure I can afford to—I am already less than 14 days away, though Priceline could be good. And then a rental car also—I might have no choice but to drive. BLECH!!!!!!!!!! But when I come back out in mid-June it will be to do my processing interview—paperwork, contracts etc. I have most of it now to fill out and bring back. There is a W-4 in it—that makes it seem very real! I will also dance as scheduled June 22 at the church. And God is doing some neat stuff in that too, with some people and just in general. I think He is opening doors to a neat dance ministry. Terry and I laughed at how unlikely it was that it would come in with me of all people! Oh, if people could have only seen me in my black clothes, black lipstick, skeleton earrings and death poetry. I have changed so much. Still, at the car rental place, by my old neighborhood, the mailman was leaving and he stopped and stared. He was the mailman from the building my mom and I lived in. He recognized me! Terry was more shocked than I. He asked how I was and how my mom was. It has been NINE years and I don’t look the same, but he knew me, and was sorry to hear my mom had died. Absolutely incredible!

Anyway, I have about drained the battery on this laptop, and we are an hour from DFW. I got a 12:45 flight so I will be home, even with losing the two hours, by 7 or 8. I will be home a couple weeks, back to LA, then home the month of July. I plan to leave around August 6 or 7. But now that I know where I am going, it all seems okay. I can have confidence and faith the money, the apt. etc will all work out because this has been so amazing. And one more thing… when my mom and I first moved to Los Angeles, the very first place we went for a couple months was Glendale. So I am going back literally… and then going forward—surrounded by the mountains of God.

One incredible note to all the events detailed below: A myriad of things almost happened that would have made all this impossible. The most important is the driver’s license. Had I not discovered it was missing I would have arrived at the airport without it—who knows if I would have been allowed on the plane? I certainly could not have rented a car. And how could I do paperwork at the school district without it? I was using that temporary license all weekend.

Then let’s consider the fact that I do not tend to take my laptop on weekend trips. When I go to see friends, I don’t want to be holed up in front of a computer. Terry actually suggested it herself, I think because they were going to be out. I still almost did not bring it—especially after renting a car.

The way I got this job is that an email came through SATURDAY NIGHT announcing positions. I got the call at the last minute Monday. Literally, it was 5 p.m. when Hasmik called the human resources lady, the one who had to be the one to offer me the job. Without having that computer, it would not have happened at all.

I had so many attacks last week that it was almost unbelievable. Now, of course, it all makes sense. But when I think of how close I came to not taking the computer and not knowing my license was missing, the more I see the detailed care of God. Wow!

Okay, I am home and a zombie. It is 8 p.m. CA time, but 10 here so that is a good time to go to bed. Long weekend.

Long weekend. Awesome God.

MAJOR UPDATE COMING!!!

No time to write tonight, and I am flying home stand by later in the afternoon--will blog as I fly and post when I get home. I have an amazing God story... so check back!

Another exciting, exhausting day in church in North Hollywood. I am fried, but better than I was 24 hours ago. I woke up kind of funky. The more I am in this Valley, the less I like it. It is just ugly and depressing. But then I get to the church and it is a different world. The Spirit of God hovers in that green sanctuary. My funk vanished in the presence of God. I was not totally “on.” I did not feel very confident playing my tambourine this morning, nor waving my flags. I did not dance a whole lot, but moved some as I felt it. Much of worship was just me processing it all.

During our greeting time a man came up to me and shook my hand, telling me how much he had enjoyed my dancing and watching me dance. I was sincerely thankful because I felt like a big clod today, but I guessed that God was still with me. Later I learned who he was. This guy is the one who works sometimes with choreographing hip hop dances for the youth. He is a professional dancer and choreographer who works with DC Talk and other groups. It was neat. And it was encouraging—sort of like the teacher last week in New York who liked my tendus.

Later there was the church annual meeting and so I decided to sit out in the lobby and talk to the woman in the church who had brought in the flags and worship tools they have. She was so excited to be able to talk to someone who understands this stuff too. She was excited to hear about Shachah and everything going on. She said “Oh if we could just get you here to teach for about six months.” I asked her if she knew I was probably moving here. She hugged me excitedly.

I have shared my vision with Darrell and Terry—well, I think only Terry has read it so far, but it is there for him too. It rings with where they are. Terry was just saying, the church is at a place where they are ready for this and need to understand it. She added that I was the one who had it to bring in. We laughed—would they have ever believed I would be the one??? OF ALL PEOPLE! We decided that we would put off my worship seminar until I move so we are past the summer craziness and I am settled and stuff, so we will do it in August or September for a Saturday. I am really excited about that, but I feel better about waiting too. I am in too much limbo to dedicate the time and prayer right now it would take to be responsible for educating a group of people in the church on something this vital to their lives. But the vision is growing. I guess I am growing with it.

Darrell’s sermon was so incredibly attuned to my situation, and I assure you it had nothing to do with me personally on his behalf. He preaches what God puts in him, and this was a chapter of a continuing series. It was just interesting timing. It was about direction and trusting God and going where he says. I just sat there and laughed. God has my number.

We went to lunch with Pastor Dan and Cindy at a cool spaghetti place in Hollywood. We had a great time, ate too much and furthered relationships. I feel like I just know so many people here. I honestly think I had more people to talk to here today than I do in my own church in Tyler. That is not a criticism; it is merely a sign.

Darrell had to preach at the Spanish congregation’s one year anniversary service tonight. That is where they are as I write this. DJ brought me home. I was going to go, but I was exhausted and then I went into the church to work on my dance in the place I am actually doing it. Well, almost. I am doing it onstage and so I practiced on the floor. They are clearing the stage that day, but I was not expecting it cleared to practice. But I did run through it on half the stage because I needed to get a feel for my shoes on the stage. I am glad I did that because I see parts that still need work. Some is simple stuff—directions—when I spin this way do I have time to get back or do I use that as a preparation on the other side? But a couple things are not working. I have 48 counts of music with my streamers and 16 of those counts are not right. So I have to replace them this week. I might have a substitute pattern to put in. I think the rest of the problems are only that I have a very large space to dance (Absolutely NO COMPLAINT THERE!) but have practiced in such a small space that I have to make it bigger. I discovered that I have contained much of this dance to a small box and I need to draw it out more now that I see my room. I do it in three weeks. I am also doing this at my home church… the date is the mystery and that could get complicated…

Okay, here is the deal. Unless I get offered a job before next week, I have to come back here June 12 for a job fair. That pretty much guarantees me a job I the right locale, but it means paying for another trip out here on the same paycheck when I have no money left! Obviously the cheap way to do this is to drive out, but that is a thing I DREAD. I HATE the trip. AND adding to that is the fact that I have to drive out again when I move that that puts more miles on my car. I need two tires right now and can’t afford that also. Plane tickets are RIDICULOUSLY high because I am under 14 days advance notice, but I could do Priceline because I am flexible, but then I have no car so I have to add more for a rental. So yes, money is a HUGE HUGE factor. I finally traced it back to the source of today’s ick. I am not in good shape this month at ALL. Then there is the fact that I pretty much HAVE to move out of my apt. July 1 so I have that extra rent money to use for the moving truck. To do that I have to be able to re-lease my apt myself so I have to pay for an ad in the paper and how the apt. Yet I also have to be in Los Angeles for 10 days. Adding to that is the fact that if I actually move out here July 1, I have to pack everything pretty much NOW and finish in that last week I am home. It means coming home June 23, getting everything together and going right back out. You know, commuting to Dallas each week is one thing, but LOS ANGELES?!

Honestly I am not sure how to make it work. A couple people have been saints and offered to help me pack in Tyler. I thank God for that, but I also see that beyond packing there is work to be done. If I had about $2000 I could make it all happen—and I have it coming through my TRS payout, but not in time. I have serious doubts my grandfatherly banker will give me a loan ONLY because he will disagree with my moving, despite my excellent credit at that bank. That would be ideal: borrowing against the TRS and then when I get that check, paying it back. So even if it took a couple months it would be no big deal. I will try of course. Sometimes bankers do things they don’t want to because it is in THEIR best interest. Boy, with my withdrawal tax penalties and interest on a loan it is going to be a low payout!

I guess the logistics of it all are most consuming to me right now. Do I store my stuff in Texas and come back for it on my first school break when I get the TRS money so I can rent the truck? Do I rent the truck and store it here for a month til I can move in? So many annoying questions. I wish I could also interview with Glendale Unified tomorrow, but that is unlikely since she will probably not read my email until after it is too late to get me there. If I KNEW what job I had and my start date, my life would be so much easier!

When Terry gets home we are going to pray, put all this junk in the right hands—and pray for my blasted other leg which was doing fine until I worked on my dance today. UGH! I hope I can come home from this trip with some definite dates and answers.

The vision is clearer because I can see it –I see the church, the people the need. That helps so much. But I am still muffled by the details and the finances that seem to all be so complicated and so impossible. What good is having money if you can’t have it when you need it! BLAST! I will spend more time in LA this month than Texas, possibly. I think I am okay with that, but I can tell it will truly be a hard adjustment. I see a lot of dancing at the ocean in my future as I learn all this and adjust to a new life.

The fact remains, when I am in the presence of God the path is clear. I only deviate in the details of the world. Still, I am overwhelmed. And earthquakes are the least of my concern.

It is time to rebuild the wall.