Well, unless I want to play a game of pretend, I must confess that things are not going well. The surface issue is that the apartment hunt feels hopeless with the deadline I have. Ironically, suddenly, money is NOT the issue. It has worked out that as long as I find a place with affordable rent, I can handle the costs. Go figure. But no one wants to charge me. I had two good leads and a bunch of other possibilities. The leads fell through today. One was not right once I saw it. The other they would not let me have my washer and dryer since there were no hook ups and the did not like the apt. style ones you hook up to the sink. The frustrating thing is that I had to wait HOURS and call back repeatedly to find this out. I lost a lot of respect for the company in how they did that. There are SO MANY apartments in the areas I can live in, but to find one in my rent range (which is reasonable but on the low end) that I can rent before MONDAY is proving nearly impossible. My other housing plans seem to have fallen through and so I am without an address and moving in a month. This has created more stress than my overwhelmed brain could finally take. I spent virtually all of today in tears. Yes, Susan is that human!

I had a nice lunch with David, and that was my reprieve. We had a blast. I just love being with him. We can laugh. What else can compare?

But beyond that I cried. I got stuck in all sorts of traffic—the images we see on TV, the nightmare stuff. I did get to glimpse the ocean when I refused to take the 405 home, telling David I would rather take longer and keep moving than sit on the San Diego Freeway. Thus I took PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) from Costa Mesa to Santa Monica. But it was so crowded that the famous drive was not as great as it could have been. I was actually planning to go to a store called Urban Outfitters. I saw a girl in Hollywood with these amazingly cool shoes on that I MUST have. They resemble ballet slippers but are everyday shoes. A guy at church heard me say I wanted to know where she got them, and he chased her down the street to ask her. But alas! I was exhausted and Urban Outfitters was too urban for my travel tastes today. However as I write this I am thinking of venturing down there tonight—well, to the one on Mid-Wilshire at least.

I am currently home alone. Darrell and Terry are at the church. With VBS coming up they have been consumed. While I have had more time than I expected to be with Terry, I think that also adds to it because even though I am here with them I am still doing everything alone and I am burned out.

Terry got a look on her face today that almost scared me. After my miserable drive home and more hours of tears, I stopped by the church to tell her the apt. update… and to express my own fears a bit. I muttered that maybe I was barking up the wrong tree and hated myself this way because this is not my personality and I would do whatever I had to get rid of it—if I had to call Dr Hayes and tell him I wanted to work with him. Of course I was being dramatic out of my frustration, but by the look that washed over her was massive. She believes probably even more than I do on my good days that this is the will of God and I think it really got to her when I even dramatically mentioned forgetting it. I admit I have been upset. I really have. I hate this place. There are AREAS I like. I mean, Burbank and Glendale are nice. The church is certainly not a Godforsaken land here, but much of this place appears to be—maybe Godrejected (as in people rejecting Him) is a better term, but certainly without God. Who could like LA?

I did go by my work yesterday and that was good. I love Hasmik and Kevin (my bosses). Hasmik dragged me around the school making me talk with a Texas accent—and then she had me edit her letter to someone! It was funny. I really liked everyone I met and think I will be happy in that aspect of my life. I met a girl from Texas who also teaches there. I knew before she spoke she was a Christian. I loved her. Sure enough she and her husband are in LA from Fort Worth because he is attending Fuller Theological Seminary. That was nice.

Rents in Glendale appear too high from what I can see thus far. Burbank is fine but I just don’t have time. I HAVE To leave here with an address. If I get a PO box where do I get it? Tomorrow is a weekend day so places will be closed. ARGH! I am so incredibly exhausted. I have had two nice moments here—lunch with Lisa and Nat and lunch with David. I have had two other times that were good and helpful,. Talking and praying with Terry. Other than that I am not having a good trip.

Ad then there are the ghosts. The Ghosts of Susan Past are haunting me in this frustration. Tonight I was waiting for Terry at the church and finally opened the door of the sanctuary. Inside that sanctuary it is clear the presence of God hovers. I felt it as I opened the door, sobbing. I RAN for the altar and cried my eyes out. And all the while I was recalling every tear the old Susan has cried I that church. I was such a messed up loser and I have been feeling so rotten that even though I am not even relate to that loser, I start to feel like her.

And then there was the pit, the kick in the gut that happened this morning. I think that told me that the root of this is not the apartment problem but the soul problems. I won’t detail the kick. No one knew it happened. I told God—He knew. It shouldn’t have affected e that way. It absolutely shouldn’t have, but it opened a can of worms. The tears never stopped after that, except to be with David—he was the anti-kick.

He left me waiting because he got held up in a meeting. I knew he couldn't help it, so I sat in his executive office at the university and read one of his Bibles and a commentary. I read a lot but then I went to Song of Solomon. I read a verse that affected me—the actual verse from were we get out saying about the little foxes spoiling the vine. I tried to focus on my Holy Romance, but I feel anything but. The ghosts are strong and I am not sure what to do with them today. It has been a YEAR since I have been really like this—not as bad now as then, but still.

So I suppose I am moving here in just over a month… it is a weekend and I only have part of one business day left here. I have no home, no address, no storage unit rented, and I will be in Santa Barbara Monday night. It appears my Santa Maria trip is on hold during the day, though I am not sure what is going on with that. I might have to cancel SB at night if I don’t get things done, and I really don’t want to. So far I am clueless as can be. And weak. I am weak.

And adding to all that is the reversal of forecast. Indeed, I have barely seen the sun since arriving here. In two weeks, I have not seen the un for more than a day. It gets to you after a while. Everything is gloomier without sun.