June 24, 2003

I think I like blogging on a plane. It looks so pseudo-sophisticated. If people only knew I was blogging. Anyway, yes, another plane, another flight, another mad dash to the airport. More mountains beneath me and desert below. I would have never in a million years have believed I would spend so much time on planes this year. God is beyond what my mind can ever comprehend, so why do I keep trying?

It was hard leaving today. Part of it was that Darrell and Terry are just so busy with VBS that time is just limited and their brains are flooded. They are still their wonderful kind selves, but it is crazy. But it was also hard because next time when I come back, I won’t be with them. I will have my own life and that scares me some. I am no longer the guest. And I have seen their lives firsthand. Sometimes they don’t even get phone messages until the next day or two. So saying good bye was not just saying good bye for a month, but a lifestyle that has been my monthly routine for four months. Living with people is either a blissfully wonderful experience or a dreadful one. This was the former. Who could ask for better people than them? How blessed can I be?

It was also hard saying good bye because in a week they are leaving for Europe. Not only will I be apart from them for six weeks, but there will also be no communication. THAT is what is so hard. Six weeks is the longest I have been away from them since this all began. But at least we talked. This is way different.

I learned so much this trip. I accomplished zilch naturally, but learned great things spiritually. I had an epiphany which came from the truth Terry spoke that was difficult to hear and very humbling. I told her about it this morning. She thought it was huge—I think it is hitting me as time goes on. It has a real effect on my Christianity. More growing on its way. But it is a big deal that I know is also related to why I am going there so I had to know it.

The Lord gave me great revelation this time around. I have six weeks to prepare my heart for this. It won’t be easy. And I can’t pretend I am not scared, but I also feel peace—I guess that is natural.. I went away for nine years and grew up, but now I see how much growing up I have to do!

I love the church. I love it more now that I am a teeny part of it. Some people are used to my dancing across the front already. It is a wonderful church. It is the book of Acts at its beginning stages. I LOVE it. My vision is growing too. As Terry and I prayed the other night, I realized my vision had truly increased in some areas, and my heart is opening in new ways.

This trip was not blissful, but it was still good. The Lord renewed my vision, gave me more and showed me more of what He is doing. Spiritually, I am primed, but I also feel I am on a deadline. In six weeks, God has some MAJOR work to do in me so I am ready enough. I am really not sure I am in myself. But I know He has called me so He must be planning things I can’t see. We will pull into LA five weeks and six days from tonight. It seems forever and it seems too soon. Still my next six weeks are planned. I am immersing myself in the Word. After what happened Sunday I know that there is something vital there in relation to this. I am going to pray a lot, as well as read and focus on preparing my heart. I might love the church and the people, but I am still Susan and I have to be prepared because when I get insecure, things get to me. That is just human, but I hate that. So for six weeks I will prepare more—like April and the cloud of glory, I will live that way. I am making every effort to attend that brief conference in July. I feel like it would be an excellent springboard to this. I must be ready. I thought that it was that period during graduate school that solidified my faith. It was in that time that I became bold and vocal and unashamed of Christ in me. But you know what? That was nothing compared to what is happening now. I did not know I was so weak.

I am blessed to sit and hear Terry and Darrell share. They are just talking from their hearts but I hear from the Spirit—just like the other night with Terry, that was major, but not the only time. I sit under such a powerful anointing that I am wonderfully overwhelmed. It challenges me to be better and stronger. I want to be more like what I see in them—and that is more like Jesus.