Well, finally time for a more in depth entry. I have spent much of this evening searching in Westside Rentals. They have a monopoly on rental info here and my friends keep telling me it worked for them, so I buckled and spent the $60. YUCK! But after discovering Pasadena, I knew I needed and edge. Some people at church told me Pasadena is great but more expensive. Leave it to me! But it will be worth it for what I felt when I got there. It is so not LA. The two freeways it is close to are the two I actually LIKE. (the 210 and 134, FYI). And yet despite it being so removed, it is 5 minutes from the exit I was at to my work exit—so about 10-15 minutes to work—and it took me only 20 minutes to get to church WITH traffic and a minor detour when I stopped or something. I am sold. The cheapest rents I can find are right in my $800 range. I have some I will call tomorrow, but I may have to wait. All are available now and that creates a potential problem. But I will live in Pasadena. Thee are two rose cities in the United States. One is Pasadena, and the other is Tyler, TX. It fits. And just think, this would not have happened if DJ (Darrell and Terry’s son)_ had not insisted we go to that dive in Hollywood, Roscoe’s, Chicken and Waffles, where I saw the girl with the shoes I had to have. By the way, yes, I got the shoes! They are really cute and look like ballet slippers. It was wild because in this store, which I have decided I like, they actually sell Capezio ballet shoes AS FASHION, not for dance. I LOVE IT! Maybe I can walk around in ballet shoes in LA and no one will care.

I had Thai food for lunch and Chinese for dinner. I ate gourmet frozen yogurt n Old Town Pasadena, and I fell in love with my new home—wherever it is. But I am determined. Settling in my heart on Pasadena has brought a new peace to me. I don’t feel lost anymore. I found my way home.

Now to the serious stuff. The more I go through my moving ups and downs and the more that I talk to Terry and Darrell and stuff, the more I think I see some of what God is doing in me. I really think in my heart I know some of what is going on. I know what God wants to some extent. I am sure there is more to it than what I do know. I have not shared what I know with anyone, especially Darrell and Terry. Some thing are better said in the past. I need to see how it all plays out. It scars me a bit because what God is doing in this is making me face my greatest weakness and fears. I am risking a loneliness far greater than what I have felt in recent years, an emptiness deeper and a fear more far-reaching. But I have to.

As Terry and I talked last night one thing became very clear to me. At some point as she was talking I realized that the importance of my coming here is the importance of my growing deeper in God. I felt like I had hot a point and until I risk this I will not grow beyond it. The fact is, if I do not do this, I believe I will stagnate spiritually. That is a scary thought both ways., To grow is hard, but to resist growing is dangerous. So I know it is vital. I my heart I know a lot I am not letting on. There are things I KNOW are going to happen in this, and there re things I suspect. All are overwhelming. But last night I almost saw it as a choice when I had that realization. DO it and grow into the next level, or don’t and stop. In some ways I am at a level now that is further than many I have known. I am blessed that I was sometimes force to grow, but in other ways, I know I ca go even further. That is part of the greater purpose.

So I am in bed now, ready for church in the morning—I have my flag and streamer bag and my tambourine ready to go. I am ready top fly across the floor, to worship and live. I am expecting God tomorrow. The next level is so close. Some of me dreads it—I have had glimpses of the pain. But I know that beyond it will be awesome. So I am excited.

Oh yeah, the big pit in my gut is gone. It went with prayer last night—but it was reinforced today by anti-pit stuff. No need for details, but sometimes you get the feeling people know more than they let on, just like I do with my life these days.

I wonder if it is significant that I bought everyday walking shoes that resemble ballet slippers in a town I plan to call home.

Probably.