I realized just a minute ago that this blog really is almost done. I have said that I was finishing it before, but it wasn’t in my heart—it was formulaic. But the season is over. I am not sure exactly WHEN I will finish it. But I know it is about done. I guess one thing I have to do is write down the last revelation—the greatest one of all. Literally, it is the greatest. I am not up to that yet—I am far too busy rushing around and doing the crazy life settling stuff, but it won’t be long. I clicked on the blog file tonight and I just saw it—it is almost over. And that is good.

I am not who I was when I began. In less than a year I have grown many more. I grew the hard way. Still, I grew.

Today I got an apartment. It is a lovely town home. I was wandering around a store looking at furniture in complete awe. I had not yet been approved for the apartment but I knew I was going to be. I have never in my life had as much peace as I have had in the last month. I knew it was happening and I was in complete awe. How could this be REAL? I wondered. God is so merciful that it is astounding. This apartment is mine? This job? I am getting new furniture? But wait! I am Susan Tyrrell… it is not supposed to be that way. God thinks otherwise, I guess. I will never understand a mercy so great.

So I am in awe. He has restored all the enemy sought to steal, but with greater depth and quality than before. The people, the places the life… A few months ago in my own ignorance and fear I practically cursed Him. Now I can only weep in repentance for such an act. I love and worship and adore my Abba Father. He is the reason I live.

What other reason IS there to live?

I went back to church today and felt like I never left. If not for Pastor Jerry welcoming me back publicly I would hardly have thought I was away for a semester. It was wonderful.

It was also neat because both the Sunday school and church messages were confirmations of where I am and what God has been doing. In church there I was again with a flag in my hand, dancing around in worship. I was beaming at the grace of God. I mean, it was really like I never left. Only I had—I left and grew up.

The message was awesome—as Pastor Jerry is. People welcomed me—even clapped when Pastor Jerry welcomed me back. I realize that some might feel a bit embarrassed by returning after 5 months, but I don’t. I am so confident in the work God has done that I can’t possibly be anything but positive. Someone teased me “See, I told you, you weren’t supposed to go. “ I said “No, I was supposed to go, but now I am supposed to be back.” “Why did God send you back then?” “Because He is gracious and when He teaches you something, and you have learned it, then He releases you.” That is it.

So I am back. I am home. New Year’s Eve night when the dancers don their costumes and dance to “Days of Elijah” I will be alongside, doing it with them. Like I never missed a beat.

I went to lunch with Jonathan and Lisa and we had a blast. I LOVE being with people where we talk about spiritual stuff like that. They are so neat and I see how many good friends I already have here. I am so blessed. I shared the skeleton of the story with them but not the heart. Not yet. But I promised to have them over for dinner and share it all. I saw my revelation truth play out more today. It is amazing stuff, yet so simple.

It was very funny because one ministry I feel the Lord telling me to involve myself with is, of all things, the singles’ group—a group I have avoided at every church I have EVER attended! But I feel that is God’s desire. I had not even talked to the person in charge of singles when she came to me and said “So are we going to get you involved with us this time?” I laughed and said that was exactly what God had been leading me to do. So before the New Ear’s service, I will meet them for dinner in Tyler. I suppose obedience should begin immediately.

I am already seeing things I felt in my heart from the Lord be true.

He who called me is faithful.

Excerpts from a couple letters to Terry today:

Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. She cannot believe I am like this--I think it is just release and freedom—a little touch of Holy Spirit drunkenness—I love it!!! My free spirit is my favorite part of my personality and it has been gone a long time!

Later... I am so high that I think I am truly a bit drunk in the Spirit--no joke. I was here at Robin’s and poor Robin has had to put up with me laughing all day. Like I cannot stop laughing—over and over I laugh and laugh. In fact for a person with bruised ribs, this is not good! So then we were home later and Robin was cleaning and turned some music on and the song was one that expressed my heart and I turned over on the couch—Robin probably thought I was resting and I was praying and praying and taking in the song. And then I thought OH MY GOSH! I was about to lose it in a good way right there—and while I suppose Robin would have understood if I started bellowing out my prayers and praying in the Spirit as I was feeling, I realized I needed to go to my prayer spot here in Quitman, where I have not been in AGES—possibly years. So I threw on shoes and told Robin I was having a God moment and had to get to my prayer spot. And Zoom! I was out the door. My car easily found its way to the old spot—down the winding back roads I had not been on in years. You know I told Robin yesterday, I am proud of myself that I can navigate LA freeways with ease after a few months there, but I would like to see most Angelinos drive down the pitch black back roads of East Texas and find their ways. That makes me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Anyway, I found this spot I have been going to for TEN YEARS, almost! But back then it was a place I used to go read depressing poetry—a place I wanted to go kill myself—and God redeemed it and turned my “suicide spot” into my “prayer spot.” It sits in the midst of tall trees overlooking a lake and it is still always. It is so incredibly gorgeous in the night—you drive down a back road and then off the beaten path in front of a gate to nowhere. And I sit and pray. For years I have had talks with the Lord out there but tonight was the first in ages. I was completely lost in worship and prayer. I felt I really wanted to pray for my return back. Tomorrow as I embark on church again, it will be like a formal reemergence into East Texas society. I wanted to commit it to the Lord. And then I lay back in my seat, hands extended and worshipped and loved God and took in more of the Spirit—I could feel that all through me. I ended with a CD –the one with my deliverance song on it and remembered again the journey.

I am having wonderful experiences with God but they are for more. I really believe that now. With all my revelation has come serious epiphanies and it is real—I know it. Anyway, it was an awesome time with God—almost an hour in the woods and then back home where I promptly began giggling again when I talked to Robin! You know what it is though? I know EXACTLY:

It s the OIL OF JOY.

That is the term that comes to me. Before when I was miserable I thought once I got her I would crash and cry and just sort of cry it all out form the months of misery. But now it is like a crash but a revival of my spirit and this laugher that has been going on since Christmas ended—and thus the stress of planning and all that happened—is joy. I just looked up the verse. You know it well, I am sure—even though I did not relate that it was from Isaiah 61 when I thought of it:

Isaiah 61:3 -To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I think that is my verse suddenly!

Excerpts from a copuple letters to Terry today:

Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. She cannot believe I am like this--I think it is just release and freedom—a little touch of Holy Spirit drunkenness—I love it!!! My free spirit is my favorite part of my personality and it has been gone a long time!

Later... I am so high that I think I am truly a bit drunk in the Spirit--no joke. I was here at Robin’s and poor Robin has had to put up with me laughing all day. Like I cannot stop laughing—over and over I laugh and laugh. In fact for a person with bruised ribs, this is not good! So then we were home later and Robin was cleaning and turned some music on and the song was one that expressed my heart and I turned over on the couch—Robin probably thought I was resting and I was praying and praying and taking in the song. And then I thought OH MY GOSH! I was about to lose it in a good way right there—and while I suppose Robin would have understood if I started bellowing out my prayers and praying in the Spirit as I was feeling, I realized I needed to go to my prayer spot here in Quitman, where I have not been in AGES—possibly years. So I threw on shoes and told Robin I was having a God moment and had to get to my prayer spot. And Zoom! I was out the door. My car easily found its way to the old spot—down the winding back roads I had not been on in years. You know I told Robin yesterday, I am proud of myself that I can navigate LA freeways with ease after a few months there, but I would like to see most Angelinos drive down the pitch black back roads of East Texas and find their ways. That makes me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. Anyway, I found this spot I have been going to for TEN YEARS, almost! But back then it was a place I used to go read depressing poetry—a place I wanted to go kill myself—and God redeemed it and turned my “suicide spot” into my “prayer spot.” It sits in the midst of tall trees overlooking a lake and it is still always. It is so incredibly gorgeous in the night—you drive down a back road and then off the beaten path in front of a gate to nowhere. And I sit and pray. For years I have had talks with the Lord out there but tonight was the first in ages. I was completely lost in worship and prayer. I felt I really wanted to pray for my return back. Tomorrow as I embark on church again, it will be like a formal reemergence into East Texas society. I wanted to commit it to the Lord. And then I lay back in my seat, hands extended and worshipped and loved God and took in more of the Spirit—I could feel that all through me. I ended with a CD –the one with my deliverance song on it and remembered again the journey.

I am having wonderful experiences with God but they are for more. I really believe that now. With all my revelation has come serious epiphanies and it is real—I know it. Anyway, it was an awesome time with God—almost an hour in the woods and then back home where I promptly began giggling again when I talked to Robin! You know what it is though? I know EXACTLY:

It s the OIL OF JOY.

That is the term that comes to me. Before when I was miserable I thought once I got her I would crash and cry and just sort of cry it all out form the months of misery. But now it is like a crash but a revival of my spirit and this laugher that has been going on since Christmas ended—and thus the stress of planning and all that happened—is joy. I just looked up the verse. You know it well, I am sure—even though I did not relate that it was from Isaiah 61 when I thought of it:

Isaiah 61:3 -To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I think that is my verse suddenly!

Friday December 26, 2003

Today was the perfect day. They don’t happen often but they sure are great then they do. Robin and I went shopping in Dallas. We had a perfect time, laughing gabbing, being together. It has been a very long time since we had this much time together to relax and have fun. I hope it is not that long til next time. We had a delicious dinner at Maggiano’s Little Italy at Northpark. Then we came home, after some more stops, and I finally shared the rest of my revelation with her. We talked a lot about God stuff and especially the Holy Spirit.

And then we spent forever praying. Okay, so it was probably more like an hour or maybe a bit more but it was incredible. Since this prayer thing in me has been revived and God has given me some real direction in it, I have had many lingering times of prayer alone but this was the first lingering time I had with someone else an the power of agreement is so awesome. It was one of those times when I just looked up and said “WOW!” There is nothing in the world that can be compared to when the Holy Spirit just falls like that. Some people tonight where probably doing everything from drinking to just being stupid with people they don’t know well in an effort to attain the very peace that we had because we lingered in the presence of God in worship. Why do people want to be outside the presence of God? Nothing else works. But then I know how easy it is to slip—how diabolical the enemy is. I know because I was just there. But when the Lord revealed to me WHAT had happened and WHY it happened I was changed forever. I am not the same because, yet again, the truth set me free.

I am feeling so much better today. Yesterday my ribs were terribly sore and I was still hacking. I told Robin I wanted her to anoint me with oil and pray for me. And she did before we went to bed last night. At fir it was just an ordinary, if nice, prayer, but then we both—we discussed later—felt something change and felt that God was touching it. After we prayed, I instantly felt better than I did. I have not taken any cough medicine since then and my cough is a mild occasional cough, not a hack. The really sore rib is barely painful and though there is another that is a bit painful, it is so mcuh better it is amazing. I was on my feet all day and it did not make it worse. I know God touched it and I said to Robin that when we prayed I wanted us to thank Him for that—to me it was important to say a real thank you—not just in passing—this is something I have really learned from Terry that I love so mcuh and want to incorporate. You spend time, for example, asking God for something. Then you get it and it seems right that you should then go spend time in thanksgiving. I love how Terry thinks that way and I want to be conscious of that. So I was glad it came to me to do that.

I am working VERY hard and cultivating these things. I did not get zapped with my life changing revelation and suddenly become Miss Holier-Than-Thou—what happened is I realized how important some stuff was and now I am working on it daily. It is hard but worth it. I believe it is the right way to be and I want to be that way. I may have plummeted low but seeing what the weakness was and knowing the truth has transformed me even more. You cannot have a realization and truth from God like this and ever be the same,. And yet I feel a great responsibility with it and will do what I have to in order to live it. And I feel distinct direction from the Lord already that I am attempting to act on.

I got a call back today on an apartment I was looking at. Beverly saw it and called me. The rent is great—it is a duplex that is a lot like a house and huge in a great neighborhood. I will see it Monday. Of course there are many others, but Robin saw me drifting off into Apartment-land many times. I haven’t had a home for a long time. I haven’t had a home since I went to Los Angeles over spring break in March—that is when my heart went out the door. I stopped making a home and started packing it. Pasadena was never home. Never. So I am ready. I am ready to buy furniture and set up a house. But I know even though I am ready it will be hard to leave here—how utterly wonderful it is to be in this house and enjoy the continued fellowship of my own spiritual mother. I couldn't do it forever, but I think it is just what God ordered after the prison term in LA. Of course the scary part is that I had the key all along.

But now I am relaxing and enjoying being home, being in Quitman, even. I enjoy the country air, the Bobbin bobbing around—the nighttime prayers. When I leave we are trying a three week schedule—it is okay but it will be a big adjustment for me, I know. No matter what I do or how busy I am, there is n time like my time with Robin. She is my true spiritual mom and these moments raise me more and more into a mature woman of God.

That is priceless.

I have not blogged much lately. It is hard. I am living at Robin’s and my full sized computer is on a hardwood floor. Thus, I either have to sit or lay on the floor which is cold, and besides that my ribs are very sore from being bruised, so it is simply uncomfortable to blog. I expect to purchase my new laptop tomorrow at which point blogging can be done from in bed.

Christmas was nice. The fact is, I am very bad at being confined to one house all day long and sitting. I think I realized that this year. I did Thanksgiving okay this year because I was cooking half the dinner. But I go stir crazy after a few hours of inactivity. That is no reflection on where I am. I felt the same at my aunt’s each year. Very nice but I am always ready for the 26th when options open up again!

This year started off special though. I went to early morning prayer and boy, if you could have had a camera on my face when I saw Pastor Jerry—I smiled like a kid greeting her dad. I am so happy to be home. I told them I am coming back here and commuting. He was happy, of course. We began prayer in a circle praying together and he thanked the Lord for bringing me back and providing for everything I needed to complete the move. Later when I told him how amazing this job was and how it was more than I expected,. He said “that just shows how much the Lord wanted you back here.” I am going to meet with him when we both go back to work and share the whole story with him. He is the next one I will tell it to. There are so many people I want to understand, but it isn’t time. I want to be careful because what is a life changing revelation to me might simply sound like a sermon out of the Bible to another and I don’t want to preach, I want to share the goodness of God and tell people what He has done for me not to drill anything into someone but to share my OWN joy at how the Lord has changed my life—and hopefully encourage people that the answer can be that simple in Him.

I struggle every day with it. It is like the smoking deliverance. I was instantly delivered with my vision many years ago but after the high wore down, I found that even though I was delivered, my natural instinct was to smoke a cigarette so I would sit down to write and start to think I should pick one up. It wasn’t that I NEEDED one, but breaking ritual is something that involves thought and effort. That is how this is. It is much harder back in Texas. I guess I knew it would be. But this is the place I have to live it out. Anyone can be a Christian on a mission’s trip, but what do you do on the job and in daily life? That is kind of my situation. LA was like a mission’s trip—all new and exciting after it was finally good. But this is home and real life. Can I live out the revelation? Gosh, if I can’t live it out now it is hopeless. I say that because it was like smoking. When I was delivered I KNEW I had the greatest measure of grace to walk it out I would ever have. If I couldn’t receive it then, under that grace, how could I do it later without it? That is how I feel now. Do I have this down? By no means! But I have greater grace—grace to confess when I ,mess up, grace to try harder, grace to refuse the pride more. So I can’t quit. After a few weeks the habit of wanting to smoke left my hands. It was a very long time before I never thought of it on a regular basis, but the time did come. This deliverance came like that one in many ways and I must persevere as I did then, knowing it is a mandate from God with the equipping grace to follow though. So I will.

Anyway, I am bonkered tonight. I am tired. My ribs are in agony from a coughing fit a while ago, and I need rest. Tomorrow Robin and I are going shopping in Dallas. Not sure what I am doing Saturday, but Sunday I am going to Tyler Metro again. I am going home. I kind of wanted to wait until the next Sunday—the first of the year—it seemed appropriate, like a fresh beginning, but I nee to start reshaping my life. I feel God instructing me in certain areas in the church, and I need to get in and get going.

I am not sure I am ready for the questions. I am not at all ashamed or embarrassed. Because I know what spiritual development has taken place I truly have the attitude that it is other people’s problems if they don’t get it. I can’t worry about that. But it is more like it is just annoying to try to explain something so profound in two seconds. The question I have learned to hate the most is this: “So, you just decided you didn’t like it out there?” That is so fickle to me. Well, NO, I didn’t like it, but it was a LOT more than that that caused me to pack up and move. While I am sure people don‘t MEAN it that way, that question implies a lack of thought and care to what God thinks. Did I like it? No! But it wasn’t because of it being an evil awful place; it was because of the evil, awful in ME and then when God touched that I could have stayed OR gone—He released me to come home. So I don’t get MAD at people who ask me that but I just hate it because it is not simple as the question is.

Oh, sign of a small town. I was at a friend’s this morning saying hello when her sister said “I hope you are feeling better; I saw your name on the ER list.” She works in hospital administration and saw I had been to the ER Monday night. I thought, my word, in Quitman you can't even knock one someone's door to let them know you are here! So funny! That is my town. And I love it anyway. I could have lived here but I know I have to be in Tyler because of church. It is time to settle and commit.

It won’t be easy, but it is God, so it will be good.

A whole semester I lived in Los Angeles and not once felt an earthquake. There were a few mild ones, but I never felt one. I thought of that as I left town, thinking it was astounding to have NOT felt one in the time I was there.

Today a big quake struck near where I grew up. It was felt from San Francisco to Los Angeles. James called Beverly while I was over to ask if it was near where I had been. Emotion flooded me. I do not consider the timing a coincidence. Wild.

Meanwhile I ended up in the ER tonight—I have a NEW respiratory virus. Oh joy! I also have bruised ribs from coughing. I now have ANOTHER prescription cough medicine and Vicodin.

Just call me Toxic Susan. But I already feel better.

Tomorrow I unload the trailer at Beverly’s office for a couple weeks. Then after Christmas (and some rest!)I will house hunt. I finally know where I am supposed to be.

I was more surprised than anyone.

Sunday December 21, 2003

Amarillo, Texas, 5:29 a.m. local time. Red Roof Inn.

Yes, folks, I am in Texas. Of course, the ironic part is that before I get home I will cross into Oklahoma and then back down into Texas again. Still, I am in my state. Am I crazy or did I notice a difference on the other side of the state line? The sky is bigger; the stars are brighter. The night is filled with a stillness and peace in Texas.

That said, I sobbed my eyes out when I crossed the state line. I was listening to a Hillsongs CD and a favorite song as on. I was singing along, trying to ascend a slope when all of a sudden, a bit earlier than I expected I saw the sign” TEXAS STATE LINE. And then emotion flooded me. Yes, I have been here twice since I moved, but always on planes. This time I was driving and had a U-Haul attached to me, so the reality hit and I lost it in the best way ever. As hard as it was to leave in certain ways, I know this is home and I belong here. And I was filled with such love for God for what He has done. He is so loving and forgiving and filled with mercy. I can hardly believe what He is doing. I almost feel like I left a kid and return a grown up—even though I was only gone 4 ½ months. That is how massive His work in me is. He is amazing. Even when I an the biggest loser ever, He is filled with compassion.

It’s all about forgiveness and love. Period.

So that is my spiritual gushing (for now), and here is the road trip report.

First, the trip is better this time around because I broke it into three days. What a difference that makes. I am not sure going the northern route was the best as far as the driving with a trailer, but it is a nicer way. I knew my gas mileage would be reduced, but by a THIRD? GASP! A couple of times I did not even get 175 miles on a tank of gas—I am used to almost 400 on the interstate! From 40 mpg to as low as 10 or 11 at times. I didn’t mind the money so much (cheaper than paying for a truck!) but I did mind having to stop all the time! I am a road warrior. My philosophy is stop when you are out of gas, go to the restroom, get food and get on the road. I occasionally stop in between, but I push it. Not with a U-Haul I don’t!

I am used to driving with it now. On flat surfaces it will coast at 75 and be just fine, which is a relief. My first day was not so wonderful.

I left Terry’s house at about 2:10 Friday afternoon—I got on the 210 freeway and as soon as I got to the Pasadena interchange there by Lake Street I hit traffic that lasted all the way through the Inland Empire. Not until I got past Victorville and onto I-40 did it loosen up! So much for leaving early. Los Angeles gave me a lovely god bye. I am so happy that when I return I will not be driving (not the first time at least!). I like LA much more with a car.

I did not realize HOW hilly I-40 was. I only drove it once before and that was the opposite direction in a car. This time I discovered that even when you are on cruise control at 70, the car will only go 45-50 ascending hills. The RPMs would rev higher and poor Gracie (my car) would chug along like an athlete who went from a 5K to a marathon overnight. I realized CA has stupid traffic laws. (Like DUH!). The speed limit for normal cars was 65-70 while trucks and “autos with trailers” are supposed to observe a 55 limit. Give me a break. Ever tried to drive 55 mph is CA when traffic is flowing. Entering Arizona was better because the speed limit for all went to 75. Of course most of the night I was unable to reach it as I ascend to over 7000 feet in elevation.. I just had a funny thought. Flying from Tyler to Dallas my plane has been as low as 10,000 feet, yet I was driving almost that high! Texas is nothing if not flat (-:

So I chugged along to Flagstaff. Because of the time change I did not arrive til after midnight—and I lost at least an hour getting out of LA. The hotel had not received my reservation from the central computer, but that was great because I got my bargain rate on twice the sized room. It was very cold—below freezing. I parked the U-Haul. I actually tried to back up to park it closer to my room but realized it was a futile attempt. I hated leaving the U-Haul outside but I prayed and went to bed. Flagstaff was pretty with the mountains and remnants of snow. The ground had snow and ice in the shrubs and stuff, which I loved. I felt like I was in another world.

I went to bed far too late and awoke far too early but I was on the road by 8:30 a.m. headed for the next night’s goal of Amarillo. The second day’s drive was much better. The hills were less extreme, and while I hit the Continental Divide at over 7000 feet again, my speed was better, RPM s less and gas mileage even increased. I had also prayed that I could get at least 200 miles a tank simply for not having to stop-and I have been! The drive was better but I wasn’t. the annoying little bit of a cough was still bugging me and I was having pains the night before that by Saturday had moved to the place I didn’t want them to be—my rib cage. Yes, indeed, I recognize the pain—had it two years ago with a cough---but worse then and on both sides. I think I bruised a rib. It is so sore when I cough or breath deeply or turn over or anything. Last night it got pretty sore and this morning to remains so. So I am on a prayer fest with that one! I stopped outside Albuquerque and bought some allergy meds for the cough and some syrup and last night hit Wal-Mart and got some other cough stuff. I know I have to stop ALL remnants of coughing for the rib to heal. This is a bit annoying because I have to get a storage unit Monday or Tuesday and Robin and Steve will be at work so I get to move stuff with a bruised rub. I think I will take healing instead!

I arrived early in Amarillo—even with the time change again I was sat my hotel by 7 or so. This is a first on a long road trip. So I checked in and went to Wal-Mart. I wanted a real dinner, but I couldn’t park at any fast food place! I gave up and found a sandwich in the SuperCenter! I felt very at home-good and bad, I was back.

I was asleep by 9:30 or so—last I recall I was praying myself to sleep and then except for waking up once at 12:30 in the morning I slept through til 4 a.m.. My body is all out of whack! I should be sleeping LATER since I am on west coast time, but as my friend Lisa put it last week, I don’t think I ever adjusted to west coast time. I think I lived on Texas time the whole time I was in California. It is pretty funny. I think I am just excited to get there. Although I am doing great mentally and spiritually—I am also exhausted. I am ready to crash, and when I arrive at Robin’s I get to rest a little for the first time in a long time. Really I won’t rest a whole lot til after Christmas because I have to unload my trailer and return it Christmas Eve and then drive back to Quitman Christmas day, but it is still rest and I can’t wait!

So now it is almost 6 a.m. in Amarillo, Texas. Because I am meeting my friend for lunch and she goes to church, I have lots of down time this morning. I could leave right now and be in Quitman early, but this is better. I will enjoy seeing my friend too. And by golly I WILL park at that restaurant. I am ready to sit down and eat a real meal. Grocery store deli sandwiches (my sole diet yesterday) are okay once in a while, but I want real food!

I have some prescription strength Motrin I am taking for the rib, but it doesn’t seem to help much. I am still insured til Dec. 31 so I will call my insurance company and see if they will let me see someone here if it persists.

Well, I am sleepy—4 a.m. will do that! I probably need to leave here around 9. I will drove just south of Oklahoma City to meet my friend in Norman, OK. I am sure our lunch will linger so we can gab. Then I will head south to Ardmore, OK where I will get off the interstate onto a local highway, 70, and drive east to Hugo, OK where I will go south out of OK and into Quitman from the northern direction, rather than going through Dallas. MY ETA is probably close to 8 p.m., a perfect arrival time. That gives me a lot of cushion throughout the day for stopping, etc. I don’t usually have the luxury to do this trip in three days, but it is so much better this way!

Meanwhile it feels natural to be on the road this week. Every year for three years I have left the Saturday of Christmas break and head to Alabama and stayed with the Zemas before heading on to see my aunt. I think this trip helps this year. I miss my aunt. I keep thinking I should be headed toward South Carolina. I think her death is hitting now because I only saw her at Christmas; the rest of the time we talked on the phone, but now not seeing her makes her really gone.

Well, I am going to do something with myself now—either decide I am awake or go to sleep (now that I have plied by body with caffeine and eaten breakfast!). And then I will hit the road. The home stretch awaits me.

Oh yeah, I think I know my church answer. I have been praying and praying. It is not that exact words are coming to me but it is just what is inside me—I am not ready to say for sure yet, but I think I know what I am supposed to do in that arena. I am seeking an answer in one more aspect but I think I have til February to know that so I am not going to worry on that one. The answers will come.

I am living proof that He is faithful—even when we are faithless.

Thursday December 18, 2003

I am hoping to post this before I get on the road tomorrow but that is not a definite. Sometimes you know you are beating the enemy by the things he pulls on you—when he can’t get at the emotions and stuff that deep, he goes for the stuff—This is why today I have a big new scratch on my car and a broken modem on my laptop the day before a road trip. It is pretty extraordinary. But fact is, all it does is make me want to pray harder. I am mad and ready to fight him. And the bottom line is that if I fight, I win.

That said, the good news is that I have been planning to buy a new laptop for weeks. I was only waiting to be sure I got my deposit back and I am getting it so that is a done deal. Theoretically I could buy one tomorrow and have it on the way home, and that is actually a thought, but I think I would rather wait and pick carefully because that is a serious purchase and I need one that will do well for my work and travel. So I may make a road trip back with no modem. I can blog and save to disk and post it when I get home, but without that modem I lose a big connection. What this means is that it is me and God in a deeper way. I love that that statement just made the devil mad enough to wish I had a new modem!

Anyway we loaded up tonight. Randy is an angel. He managed to get all the stuff I needed into my trailer—barely. I mean, you could not pack anything else in there but my 5 X 8 trailer has my washer and dryer, table and chairs, beautiful tables, blue chair and MANY boxes. It is loaded up and locked up at Terry’s. I am a bit stranded now—Belma will take me to work in the morning and then Rae is supposed to take me to Terry’s but I am a bit nervous because she was not at work today and now I can’t check my email to see if she wrote; she doesn’t have my cell number. But Belma is on standby for me. It has been crazy. Driving with a trailer is an adventure. Backing up is more of an adventure. I am glad I have LOTS of prayer!!!

Anyway, beside the wild stuff there was also great peace in my time with Terry. We had a beautiful time of prayer before our farewell—it is hardly goodbye! She anointed me and prayed over me, especially in regards to some stuff that we both believe God is moving me into now. Then I prayed for her and the church and it was just an all around effective, intense and awesome time of prayer and ministry. Our hearts are the same in many ways, especially spiritually. I am very closely connected to her in the area of prayer in a way that I know is a God thing and something He is doing. I felt that anyway, before, but when it came from HER mouth then I guess I really knew it.

It was sad to say good night and know it will be six weeks of nights before we say hello face to face or take hands to pray again. But mostly my tears were from seeing what has transpired. I cried as she prayed, and as we hugged, I cried and said it was so amazing to see what God has done—did we ever think we would be sitting here praying this way? Not hardly. It looked rough for a while there, but what was a bumpy ride led to a beautiful place of peace. It increased our bond too. I know we will always be close friends. And it is the strangest thing but I will always be a part of this church. That is a fact. Terry sees that too, and it is neat. So we prayed for eons and then said good night. I told her I loved her, turned around and didn’t look back. The next time we are together we might have a glimmer of what God is doing. We are both excited.

I gave her a silver frame that was kind of fun looking with “Friends through thick and thin” inscribed in it—and I put in the picture of me and Terry and Darrell when I had the cheerleading outfit on on Thanksgiving. That was a special day—and the picture of it is a happy memory of the change God has brought.

I have a couple people to whom I need to tell this story. One is Aunty. I will write her a letter at some point. The other is more important in this case. More and more I feel I need to tell Pastor Jerry. I went to him in October and we had a long talk. I need to tell him what happened and what God did. I won’t tell most people the details—not yet. One day maybe but not casually. I might share a testimony or something where the atmosphere is right, but this is not for the casual ear. But I need to tell Pastor Jerry.

Anyway, I have been up since 3:36 this morning—I simply could not sleep. I got up and prayed and packed and took a load to storage. That is when I saw how PACKED my 5 X 15 storage unit was and knew I was getting a 5 X 8 trailer and I began praying for a "loaves and fish” miracle—that God would multiply my space. In the end other than the boxes I already took to Terry’s with the intention of leaving only one crate of school books stayed—and they probably will fit in my car but I am trying to keep it down so I don’t look like a bag lady driving down the road. All that matters is going home. I wouldn’t even look as Randy and Terry finished the loading. I loaded my car. I could not imagine how all that stuff was going to get in where, but it all fit.

It was easier to drive loaded. And starting tomorrow I will drive to 1500 miles. Me and God on the open road. I am ready for the Word to fill me. It already has. The Spirit of the sovereign God is upon me.

January 29 is looking like my return date. Then early March. Terry might have a serious houseful in March still, so if that is the case then I will stay with Pastor Dan and Cindy. From pastor to pastor. I am honored at the friends in God I have. Then I imagine I will come back in April. I would LOVE to be here for Easter but I don’t know where God is taking me or what I might be doing at Easter. Then when school is out, I will probably drive out again and get my stuff and visit longer. I have it portioned out the best I can. I have frequent flier miles coming from cereal to internet to cell phone service. It is crazy, I know, but if you were here, if you could see, you would buy your own ticket and fly alongside me. Moses said to the Lord that he didn’t want to go if the presence of God did not go with him; likewise, I do not want to stay gone from where the presence of God is so mighty.

The breakthrough was serious and life changing. I know that because of the number of opportunities I have had to operate in it. I had one just this morning, and when I saw my NATURAL response I rejoiced in the work of the Lord. It is a positive revelation and a miracle. It is real, and it is lasting. The is no turning back. Now I know the truth in this area and nothing can hold me captive again in it unless I choose to consciously.

Yes folks, it was only 4 ½ months but God did it. He did years of work; He made it clear why I was there and taught me a lesson people don’t get in 4 YEARS of Bible college, sometimes, because he did it through divine impartation. All I want now is to grow in it more and more and more.

NOW, I am going to go pray myself to sleep. I am very tired but the enemy is prowling again and it is time to arrest him in his evil tracks.

I love the Spirit of God so much. And in 15 hours He and I will begin the journey home—new and changed.

I praise the Lord for His wonderful love for me.

I left my legacy at North Hollywood First Assembly—it is stuck under the first pew, second seat—between Terry and Cindy, where I sat every week…

Saying good bye was hard. I don’t mean saying good bye to people. I only had a few personal good byes tonight and I will be back in a month, for Pete’s sake! But saying good bye to the church was VERY hard. I worshipped up a storm, ended up on my face and cherished every second, knowing I may not dance again until I step foot back here. I MAY, but I may not—that is a fact.

Pastor Dan preached tonight and it was good—it was my heart—my on fire passion for God. A loose cannon, he said, when we pray for others. Woo hoo! I yelled. I saw Cindy smile. That is me, right now—a loose cannon—in the best way—and I am ready.

After worship Pastor Darrell called me up to pray for me It was very nice and rather unexpected since I never really plugged in in a way that others knew me as a serious part. I appreciated his prayer too—it was for the usual, travel safety and all that—and for me to find a place to live—and for THE church God has for me. But as he prayed he thanked God for His work even when I was unsure or confused or didn’t know if I missed Him or not. I appreciated it because it was just real. No pretending.

I love this church.

After Terry left pretty quickly because she had a headache—of course I stopped and prayed for her. Give me any opportunity anywhere these days! Maybe it is not that extreme but I want it to be! The I talked to Darrell a while. I won’t likely see him again til I return. It is easy to talk to him again too. Our relationship is different, of course than mine with Terry, but I adore him. But the more sure of my identity in Christ I am, the better I operate with anyone.

And then I started to leave—and I went upstairs to the sanctuary. And then I sat in my pew and the sobs came. Some people teased me earlier, “oh, no you don’t—you wanted to claw your way out of here.” True—but these are the people who do not know the amazing work of the Lord. If they did they also would understand that in some ways I am torn. I love my church, but my home is in Texas and it is hard. For all the ups and downs and wanting to be here then wanting out, once the dust settled and the Word of God became clear, two things stood certain. Texas is home and NHFA is church. That is not an easy thing to reconcile, but I know God must have an answer.

I sat crying at the pew and then went o the altar and knelt—still crying to God and laying my life at His feet. All of it. When I lay down my tambourine after the last up tempo song tonight I looked at it laying there, realizing it might be a while before I ever leap around with it again. But I was thankful—Pastor Dan did the BEST tambourine songs and I played the patterns and danced up a storm while I could.

Then as I stood in the sanctuary and went through a lot of “Dance with Me” just silently. Finally I did grand jetes across the sanctuary. And then I went to my bag. In my journal were stickers I use to put on cards and stuff. I found a new sheet that had pink ballet slippers on it. On the adhesive side I wrote my name and the date. The I stuck it right under where I sit every week, on the fabric part of the underside so it would easily come off and not hurt the pew. My dancing feet will stay at NHFA even if my dances are alone for a while.

The odd thing I can’t explain, though, is that even though I have no clue where I might go to church and am accepting that dancing might be on hold, I can’t help feeling it is NOT going to be gone for long.

The other thing that is not going anywhere is prayer. I have known that calling to intercession has been in me from the day I first prayed with Robin, I think, but now I know that it is time to live in it—I think God is saying NOW. There are many ideas tossing themselves about in my mind and when I capture the right one, the God one, I will act. But it is time and that I DO know. The great thing about prayer is that you can do it anywhere with anyone at any time. I can’t wait to see what God does with this.

Terry told me both weekends are okay in January so I get to just pick one. Having Fridays off makes it really easy to plan a trip and not even ask for a day off. So I will leave on a Thursday evening or early Friday and come back Sunday night late. But it helps knowing I can come back in a month. I am shooting for last weekend because that will give me time to settle and then less time between that trip and spring break.

I wonder how many people have a church that is 1500 miles from them. Just call me eccentric.

I think I have decided to drive I-40 going home. It came to me this morning and checked the weather. It will be VERY cold but no precipitation is predicted along the whole route. It is hilly, but not that bad. It is prettier and nicer. There is even better cell service along that way. But the most important reason is spiritual.

When I started this blog I began my road trip to California on Interstate 40. And now I am going home. I suspect that the very interstate itself will spark some thought that will lead to a neat time with the Lord. I have great expectations for what God is going to speak even as I drive (whichever route that may be). I think it is somehow appropriate to drive home the same way this whole adventure began. Even though I drove home from California in March and have been back again in the car, each other time was on I-10 and 20. I have not been the I-40 route since I drove out here the first time. So I prayed, then I cancelled all my I-10 and I-20 reservations for hotels and booked I-40 reservations.

And then the cool part is my Shachah friend Beverly lives in Norman, Oklahoma so I will get to stop and have a late lunch with her since I go right through there. I am getting excited. It will also be very pretty—I am sure the mountains are snow-covered by now. The forecast one night is around 15 degrees. But with no rain or snow and my car being heated as well as the hotels, I don’t mind at all. I was able to book a couple decent hotels so that is nice. I am getting excited to be have to have that time with God. I am in a season now of hearing Him so much anyway and I KNOW He is going to speak more. I wear out a bit on really long drives, but doing it over three days will help and so will the fact that it is a weekend and I can talk on the phone a lot for free.

It is Wednesday. This will be my last night at church for over a month. I hate that, but I can’t wait to go. I will likely shut the place down tonight. Tomorrow is my last full day of work. It is happening fast now, but there was a day it wasn’t fast enough. I am so incredibly in awe of what God has done and is doing that it is also beyond what my mind can comprehend.

That’s my Daddy!

I am on vacation.

That is how it is now—being with people, eating fast food every day, being too busy to stop and think, even the morning bagel off the freeway onramp says vacation. And Friday the trip ends.

You know what? It was never home . It feels like a vacation—in many ways it was a BAD vacation for a while but it was never home. And now I am leaving. And tonight Terry and I stood in the parking lot at church and looked at her calendar—just like we used to. My next trip should be in January—late month. Then the first weekend of March when a Shachah conference is in San Diego and then will come up here for church and a few days visit. After that who knows… Easter? Probably when school is out and before summer classes begin. I told some people tonight I will be here so much that I will be more like one of those people who just doesn’t come every week.

This is my church. I LOVE this place. It is starting to hit me that I am leaving a church I love like I couldn’t imagine. And I have to stop the thoughts. The sadness is that intense. This is a special place. Yet I know it is right to leave. I know I am truly going HOME. I have no doubts about moving. I have no doubts about the job I accepted. Dr. Hayes wrote yesterday that HIS job WAS full time as he expected and he was still pushing a bit since mine is only guaranteed for a semester. But I have a perfect peace and a joyful excitement, But I love this church so much and don’t know how to live without it but I can’t stay here and live with it.

This afternoon I went straight from work to church to meet Cindy. Then I went home with her and Pastor Dan came home. We ate pizza and had a great time. I thanked Cindy for her invitation to stay the weekend but said I was going to go as planned. She said anytime I wanted to come back I could—so I have two homes in Los Angeles now—and both are my pastors. That is nice. I would still prefer to be with Terry. It is only with staying with someone that you can sit up half the night talking about God and worshipping Him. I love our spiritual heart connection. It is special, and these visits will be my rest and refreshing the Lord gives me; I really believe that. When I stop and think about the love I have for these people, all of them, I just cry. I am not sure WHY it can’t work, but I know that as much as I love it, it is not my primary place.

We went back to the church tonight to get my car when they had worship/choir practice. I ended up staying. I have not sung in so long. I rehearsed their Sunday song and it was so much fun. Cindy turned and said “you have a good ear. You sound really good. You should sing when you are not dancing.” How nice that made me feel. I still miss it. And then I looked at her and said where I was headed a church I attend might ONLY have singing and not dancing. I can hardly imagine. I could go from complete freedom to not being able to move. What a scary thought. Frequent flier miles here I come!

Right now my gut is filled with emotion like I can’t explain. I am not letting it out yet. I might peek at some of it when Terry and I are together Thursday night. Our last time to sit and pray for a while--and I know that will trigger it. But I think in some ways I need to wait until I am back with Robin and safe and have that spiritual connection that is solid because it is way harder than I expected to leave. I feel that same grief I felt back in March when I had to go home on a Sunday when they were at church and then all this began. If all goes as planned, this Sunday I will wake up in Midland, Texas. I won’t lie; It scares me to not be connected with this church . I know I could stay through Sunday, but then I will go through it next week. It will only be prolonged. Why my church is 1500 miles from my home, I can’t understand, but it is. And the thought makes my heart ache.

I try to think analytically, almost play those mind games with myself—I dare to allow myself to wonder if I wish I could stay. I consciously let myself think, what if I did NOT go home Friday? But even when I start to think that way, it doesn’t work. I KNOW I am doing the right thing. I had to come, but I have to go. It makes no logical sense, and some people may never understand it. But I know. But I guess I never figured I would love the church so much and yet have to say good bye. I figured the good bye would be without such a great level of love. I am not sure yet how to align all these feelings into one stable person. It is like I told Terry tonight: God has done a major overhaul in me. I mean, it is SERIOUS. It is not just about the breakthrough in November that changed everything. It is about me and my character and who He has made me to be. I am not the same person I came here as. Dare I say I leave even FREER, but more grown up. I am a mass of emotion—most of it is good, but it is just hard. It is like saying good bye to your family. These are people who will scale mountains to help you.

But then none of this has ever been about location anyway. So I will move to the next phase in this and visit my home church as much as I can. I will dance there if nowhere else. And I will always love these people, who are some of the truest and most sincere Christians I have known in my lifetime of being in churches. It is not that I am saying anything negative about my other churches, but just that this place is so unique. I love its reality. Sunday morning Pastor Darrell was finishing his sermon and a drunk man walked right down front. They knew him, and PD called Pastor Dan down from the keyboard because he knows the man. And Pastor Dan gently talked to him and asked if he had come to see him. And Cindy picked right up and went along. And there we are having an altar call while a drunk man is telling at an usher to get his hands off him and Pastor Dan is talking to him like he is his old buddy. It was awesome because no one called some strong guy to remove him or something but just good old Pastor Dan who took him out to talk and pray with the guy. Meanwhile Pastor Darrell, right after church gathered up a couple young adults to drive a homeless young lady to a shelter and gave her money. This is REALITY in the spiritual world, and I LOVE it.

I am not saying I will never come back here, but I know the circumstances would have to be different. I would probably have to be married or working within a ministry. Los Angeles is too hard of a place to be single and functioning the majority of your time in the world without daily spiritual support It is harsh, cold and unfriendly. The church is awesome but you can’t be there 7 days a week. So maybe that is it. Sometimes I wonder if I will come back.

No matter what I will never regret coming. To see what the Lord has done is worth every teardrop. It is that incredible. I still can’t write it. It is too personal to share. Cindy and I never got to really talk today and so I didn’t get to tell her and she told me to write it down. I told her I might just tell her when I come back next month because it was too hard to even write down yet. I am not ready. Someday, I know. It is an awesome testimony of healing, growth and reconciliation—as well as the amazing power of the love of God. But the greatest testimony comes at the greatest cost.

A lot of people at work have been saying good bye and are so excited about my new job. Some people, especially kids, will ask me specifically why I am leaving. I tell them it is personal. But when I tell people about what I am going to be doing they are amazed—and I tell them I am the most blessed woman alive. And then I say how amazing it is that what started out so tragic is turning out so well. And it is like what a kid asked me yesterday when he or she asked if someone was dying. I answered truthfully when I said for a while it looked like it might be life or death but now it was getting better.

I am a dramatic sort of person and very emotion driven, but I do not exaggerate when I say my own life was at stake. Perhaps not my physical life. Perhaps I would have lived to be 90 even if this had not gotten better. But my life was at stake, and this almost cost me life as I know it. It almost cost me a great measure of my spiritual life and perhaps even my emotional life and stability. That is how serious it was. Perhaps that is why I am more in love with God than ever now.

Today in class I was trying to teach my loud but fun 6th period freshmen. They would not listen and I refuse to talk over them, so I get quiet sometimes when they do that. So I did that today and sat there. Of course they were saying “Shhh! Miss Tyrrell is waiting” and all that that kids say. And I sat there staring off into space with a dopey smile on my face. And then I closed my eyes because what I was seeing was making me want shut everything else out. I was back in my dance—yes there it was again “Dance with Me” in my mind and I saw it. Those kids were yapping way and I was lost with Jesus. And I wished they would have talked forever! Eventually I came back form the heavenlies and taught them, but it was a pretty awesome moment. They happen all the time now and have been since November 21. I have had a true life saving, life alerting miracle.

I will never be the same again.

There is no feeling as great as when you know you are consumed by the Spirit—no worship is better, no prayer means more, no sermon comes more alive. Diana commented that she watched me as I danced today I “had some moves.” Any move I had was the Spirit in me. What anointing is in that worship anyway, but when you are under the anointing yourself, it is awesome.

When will I play a tambourine on a Sunday in church again? When will I fly across the floor? Today I used TWO 9X9 streamers. I had my Elegant Grace anyway, and then we sang “Let it Rain” and I saw Terry’s Purity streamer nearby. I grabbed it and I danced the rain of the Spirit. Today I was especially dancing it for one person that I wanted the Lord to minister to. It was truly intercessory worship much of the time. But it was just awesome anyway.

It may be a long time. It may be February when I get back here—or it could be in a month as I settle. But for now I don’t know. I am okay though. In fact I came to terms with that last night with the Lord.

After the planned worship Pastor Darrell led us in “We fall down/ We lay our crowns/ at your feet/ Lord Jesus…” It was so appropriate for me after the talk I had with God only last night. I knelt with my streamers under me. The tambourine lay in front of me. And I worshipped the Lord. I cried a little, knowing what was in my own heart. And then I looked up at the trio of crosses that sit in the old choir loft. A light illuminates the center one projecting a large shadow of a cross. And suddenly realized it looked like the cross in my vision—same size and height and angle. I was in a different area during worship—over slightly to the left. In fact it was very interesting. A whole front section was open where there is never space. I mean it obliviously had to be a lot if I could dance in the front with two 9X9 streamers. I somehow felt that space was for me today. I didn’t take it for granted.

Cindy offered to let me stay the weekend with her and Pastor Dan so I could leave after church next Sunday as I had thought I would before—but I think I am going to go ahead and stick with my schedule. I am not positive and told her I would tell her Tuesday when we get together, but I am okay. I liked ending on a normal Sunday without all the holiday fancy. It seems like a good farewell Sunday. It will never be good bye. This church is home. And because of the great lesson I learned here it will always be key in my life and spiritual development. I see through new eyes all because of a semester in my old church.

Terry and I laughed when we had to look at each other as part of a sermon illustration when the pastor does that “say to your neighbor thing” and it was about God loving us in regards to what he was saying. We high-fived each other. “Didn’t we just go through this the other night?” I said. And she said “yes” with a smile. In Sunday school she looked at me as she was making introductions. She said “And my friend Susan… I could dedicate a whole hour to her… but today is her last Sunday…” And she went on to say I was going to Texas to be a college professor (that is kind of the joke—teaching full time does not make you a professor , but it is still cool!). Country piped in “What’s she gonna teach them? Dance?” And Terry said “No, but she will dance as she is teaching them.” But the look Terry had even when she said she could dedicate an hour on me was like the one in church. This semester has bonded us in a new way. She commented the other night about how very much she loves me and said I can’t even understand how much she loves me. I don’t really get it and I am not sure I was supposed to anyway, but what isn’t said right now is so full in our hearts—I can see it. She wants to anoint me before I leave. We will come back to the guesthouse Thursday after we load the U-haul and pray and do it then I guess. I am not even totally sure what that is about—she just said that the other night and all I know is even if don’t understand it all, I receive it openly. My attitude toward anything of God is YES and AMEN. Do it now, Lord, I want everything You have.

After church I went to a Christmas party and Diana and William’s. That was lots of fun too. It was the same group—the pastors and a few others. It was really nice and I just got home a few minutes ago. I am sleepy but beaming. This isn’t just a high—God is doing something.

The revelation is still coming. All of the things attached to what has happened are growing. The Lord is continuing to speak to me in this area, on this theme, and I am trying to write it down and absorb it. Terry always talks about a purpose and that is right—there is one here and I know that. I am so excited to see what God is going to do. What happened here that was bad in my mind CAN’T happen again—not unless I decide to let it. It is all up to me. So I am free.

Well, Jenna will be here soon so we can go eat, so I better wrap this up. One more week of work in one of my least favorite jobs, but that is okay. And this week will be a wind down. Yes, I have to show up five days, but my heart is in the heavenlies.

I am moved out now. It is Saturday night and the only thing remaining in my apartment on California Boulevard in Pasadena is my vacuum cleaner. I will get that Monday when I check my mail and turn in the key. The scary part is not that; it is that I have a lot of stuff despite getting rid of so much. When you are a reader and English teacher, you acquire things that take up space—books, papers, etc. Then when you add dancer to that you acquire more—dance books, costumes, etc. I am not sure what is going to fit. I got my trailer hitch today and found out I can actually rent a 5X8 trailer for a hitch my size, but that is still not that big. At first I was delighted with how much room it had—then I saw how much I had that I had not even moved. We will see. If worst comes to worst, it will stay at Terry’s and I will rent another small trailer at spring break and bring it all back. It won’t be the end of the world.

I found an adapter, so I have internet here. Should have known right! I can’t hang on it all the time of course, but it helps. The house is filled with stuff—so is my car—and I took more to storage. Gasp! Tomorrow is church and I can’t wait. I hate that it is my last Sunday even though I am ready to be in Texas.

I slept SO well last night—in fact I think it helped really heal my cough too. I have coughed some today but only after strenuous activity—and it is much looser and better. I am so glad. Darrell and Terry’s house is one of the most peaceful places I know in the world. I love it there.

I have been thinking a lot about what Terry said last night regarding me and ministry. I think what she said is right but I hold me back in that realm. But she is right—it is in me. It was very validating to hear. She said what she did because she SAW it in me, not because I told her. I think that very moment was a God thing.

Telling Terry last night was so good. Today I found myself in that same place I returned from my weekend of revelation in. In fact it was funny. While my hitch was being installed I went to Burger King for lunch. I walked down the street half a mile or so. I know the neighborhood well. I used to live in it—and I used to walk Lankershim Boulevard often. It was a funny feeling to be walking it again in a different way. I got lunch and sat down in a booth with a newspaper. I started to thank God for my food and the Holy Spirit came over me right there in Burger King. It was almost funny. There I was head bowed, praying in the Spirit in a fast food joint in a lower class neighborhood in North Hollywood. No one had a clue and I was in the heavenlies. It was wild! But I loved it. It is in me. I want it to come out. I want it to be safe for it to come out Again, I say, I want a greater measure of the Holy Spirit. I desperately hunger for that!

Well, I have internet here but the only three pronged plugs are in the bathroom and my old laptop is on its dying legs. It won’t hold a charge. As soon as I get back one of my first purchase is a new laptop for work so I have to hold out for now, but I can’t keep writing too long. I am going to either read, write or pray—or a combination therein—and go to sleep. It is early but I want a good night’s rest. Ideally I will run to my storage place before church and come back and have a bagel with Belma before we head off to church. She is being very gracious. But she nailed it on the head. I had come home tonight and she came out to the guesthouse.

“Would you like any supper or anything?” she asked.

“Oh, no thanks,” I said. “I picked up a sandwich.”

“My, aren’t we independent?” She asked.

“Yes,” I said “Too much so.”

Yikes. I am not used to being taken care of . Sometimes I am not good at it either! It is nice to be cared about—but I don’t always know how to receive it.

One of many changes. I see the future. I don’t know what is going to happen but I know this is all related. The day after Robin and I had our prayer-fest in Texas, I was praying in the Spirit the next morning. I saw something as I prayed—and felt I knew what I was praying. And last night after my talk with Terry and my reflecting on that, I remembered it again. It was a simple thought but I felt it so strongly—and I think it was a picture of the future-and a door to it opening.

I am ready to walk through.

I came home from work to find my electricity turned off. Oh yeah, it is Friday. I guess I thought David, the renter, would probably have turned it on, but I was wrong. Thus I was in the dark. No computer, no light. UGH! I frantically called Terry--who I had plans with in a while-to see if I could sleep at her place. Belma was not home and I had just told her I would be there tomorrow. So here I am at Terry’s. She and Darrell and DJ went to a late movie. And I am savoring my last night (although I will have internet at work) at the computer in a week… yikes!

I have now shared in details what God has done three times--to Robin first, then Darrell, and now Terry. But there is no doubt this was the most significant simply because of her involvement in it. It was really an awesome time and awesome talk. We ended sharing communion, which was the most significant of all.

She believes God brought me here to teach me the very thing I learned so I could have that for the ministry He has for me--whatever that is. I suppose, despite all the great things I see the Lord has done, I am a bit ministry gun shy. And I can’t say with as much certainty as she can that God brought me here for this--though I know it was His desire to accomplish this (so maybe it is semantics), but it was still pretty awesome. It was so interesting to hear her take on things. And I know that is why she believes as she does: because of what she has seen on her side of it all. Since God gave HER clear instructions during these months I think it is easier for her, seeing both sides, to see God’s future plan. I am just excited there is a future!

She truly delighted in it and saw it as awesome as I knew she would. I am not ready to share it with eveyrone. It is truly a pearls-before-swine situation--I think this is one where I must be led by God. It is not a testimony to the masses deal like some things are. But that is okay, when the time is right I will know. But it is revelation for sure. And I think I know it even moreso because of things that have happened in the last week or two even. I have had opportunity to live it out and it is HARD. This very day I was praying up a storm of pleading to God to make His word alive in this area--but as I stepped out in faith He did it. And how can it be real if the practice cannot be played out?

Tonight, I sit entertaining thoughts of moving. Where am I going to live? I think I know. But church is the mystery. I want to do what God wants. I think many times He lets us make our own decisions but I need to pray before I decide He is doing that. I have a few options, but only one seems easy. I won’t really be near anywhere logical to attend.

Terry saw my heart last week.

It was a ministry time at church and people needed prayer and Darrell had us just go lay hands on people. Terry and I ended up at the same person--there were only four and only two were ladies--and still high on the word of God in me and the passion for prayer that has been rebirthed--I was praying from my heart, I FELT that prayer--it was all over me. But I was kneeling beside the lady and not praying very loudly because someone else really was. But tonight Terry told me she happened to open her eyes for a second and saw me praying for her and saw my “heart of intercession.” I had no idea, but she really nailed it. She had some insight there. For now I take it with a grain of salt--I like what she said, but I want to be careful.

She thinks the things I admire so in her--the passion to pray for anyone at anytime--are because I have that anointing in me and she wants to anoint me to go forth also in a “double way.” That is what she says. I don’t know. I know I believe it. I know what she says is my heart. It HAS been my heart. From the day I discovered the power of agreeing prayer I have wondered why we always pray FOR people and not WITH them. But Terry was the first person knew who always stopped and prayed with them. I mean, it is absolutely epidemic! Yesterday even when I called to tell her of the job, she was so excited and then the next thing out of her mouth was “let’s thank Him.” We didn’t talk ABOUT what God did--we instantly stopped to thank HIM for doing it. I think God is so honored by that. But I am ashamed to say I do not take the initiative that way. But I am trying harder and committing more. It is not as automatic--I have to force myself. But today I did. My educational assistant always asks me to pray fro her and her husband. She is a sweet older Hispanic lady who admires my faith (that had to be God since I was such a mess so much of the year!) and today I bit the bullet as she shared and said “let me just pray for you now.” We were on a break and the kids came in even as we were praying. But man, quick as it was, her eyes welled up with tears. “Thank you so much,” she cried. That simple act had touched her heart like no words of comfort could. Why does that surprise me? The very thing changed my life.

I believe--I don’t have a word or anything solid, but I believe--that whatever is about to change in my future it will involve intercessory prayer in a POWERFUL fashion. How the heck that is going to happen in deep northeast Texas is beyond me--but it is in me and has been since Nov. 21. And it is growing.

What Terry said to me regarding prayer was very encouraging. And it seems to me that what has happened in the past few weeks is no accident in how prayer has been integral just as it was six years ago. I shared with Terry how some of the very revelation came on the same interstate highway in Texas as some of the first one six years ago. But this time I was going the opposite direction farther down. I think that is metaphorical for now--I am in a similar area but in the same direction farther down. It won’t be the same way prayer was involved last time or the same place or even the same people--but it will be the same power--in a greater measure.

Meanwhile I plan the next road trip--the trip home. I decided to take off early next Friday. I can’t get on the freeway at rush hour with a trailer. So I asked to leave at lunch. Rae will drive me here to get my car and trailer and I will get on the road by 2 or so. I will either drive to Phoenix or Tucson--I won’t know till I get a feel of driving with the trailer. I will be on flat land so I should be able to coast, but we will see. I imagine day two I will drive to Midland or Odessa. Then on Sunday I will trek the final 7-8 hours home to Quitman.

Quitman is home. Crazy as that sounds. Wild as that seems. Quitman is where I grew up and became whole. It is home. And people are surprised because I claimed to hate it--but I don’t. I hated how I left--Sue--Chadwick--the vocal issues. I left when I had nothing left. I return alive with everything. He is my all in all and so I don’t need anything.

I am reenrolled in graduate school journalism classes for my job. I am excited about that. Meanwhile I am hoping to go shopping before I go home. I have little appropriate to wear to teach college. To be a professional on that campus at my stature and appearance, I must really dress up. So I want to hit Macy’s and other stores here in LA where the selection is wider. Lots of changes for this job. Miss Internet is finally going high speed too! I have to for my online class (and of course, that makes it tax deductible!) I am so excited about the job and hope it DOES turn permanent. But I am ALSO excited about the commute! That is a God thing. Period. But I can’t wait.

I have to go to bed for now. I had a great night but after two nights of scarcely sleeping I am wiped out. Tomorrow I get a trailer hitch on my car, finish moving out of my apartment totally, pick up boxes, a prescription, etc. and generally get things together.

Tonight I bask in Him and sleep in peace.

This is simply a copy of the letter I sent all the people praying and people back "home."

Finally the verdict—8 days before I pull out of California! Some of you may know none of this, some know parts of the story and a few know it all. Those who know it all know that in the end this California adventure was more exciting than Disney’s theme park of the same name with as many ups and downs as a roller coaster—but you also know that in one semester I have learned a lifetime of knowledge. I am coming back to Texas, but it is all good. I might not have said that a few months ago but God is a redeemer and such redemption has taken place that I don’t believe I would ever trade this semester. I can’t say I thought California was forever, but I certainly did not expect it to be what it was. But I return stronger and better than I left. I guess that is what matters, right! Anyway, in the end, I was willing to stay or go and to that end had applied for other jobs here (one thing that did not change was my feeling on California public schools! Oh, no!) as well as there. At one point I had options in three places, here in LA (where tearing myself away from this church is HARD—thus ensuring my frequent flier account will say supplied with miles), near Houston with my old boss, and where I am ultimately ending up.

So what is the verdict? Of all places East Texas! I actually will not LIVE there, but I will work there. I am not SURE where I will live yet—I will be taking some college classes for my new job, also so I cannot live up there because I am too far from everything else—I need to be closer to Dallas or Tyler (also for the airport and Shachah!)

Anyway, after almost 5 years in public schools I am graduating! Ha ! Seriously, I will be teaching college. I have been appointed to a full time interim contract to teach both college English and journalism. Yes, interim—for NOW it is a temporary semester-long job—HOWEVER, the expectation is that it will be posted as a full time position and I should be able to retain it. No promises there, of course but that is the hope.

I have been credited for my years of public school experience as well as my part-time teaching experience at the school, and my base salary plus a stipend for teaching and overload class as well as journalism stipend mean my pay there in east Texas is more than I would make in a city like Dallas or Houston and not much less than I make here, with less deductions and much lower cost of living.

I don’t want to write an endless letter here, but I want to make this very clear. When I interview I did not even KNOW of the journalism aspect. I am not technically qualified to teach college journalism but they are in a desperate situation and because is not full time journalism they can appoint me and I will be obtaining graduate hours in journalism in my off hours so I can, hopefully, step into this position permanently. My interview went very well, but I had no idea I said the magic worked when I said journalism. Dome of you know my greatest job sadness was that I found I MISSED journalism and the interaction with the students and the field itself. I was seeking other high school jobs that involved journalism but never in my wildest dreams expected to be offered a full time college job teaching both English and journalism—and running a college newspaper. And this is at a place I have worked for years and am known, liked and have great favor already from the faculty and staff.

If I have not said it clearly enough, I will leave you all with this familiar verse that is the great expression of my heart:

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:20—NKJ)

And I have to say the Message Bible sums it up even better in my current mindset:

God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Ephesians 3:20—The Message)

Just got home from church and ate dinner—the rest of my El Pollo Loco. My apartment is rather bare. I pilfered through a storage container to find an old oatmeal raisin granola bar for dessert to dissipate the salsa remains. I had a GREAT time at church—I danced a LOT! That is, of course, notable because yesterday I could not generally complete a paragraph without coughing. Yes, there is the occasional cough, but no one could doubt God touched it. I banged my tambourine and later danced passionately on two songs I adore. My mouth got dry, and a couple times I coughed a bit but nothing bad at all. It was wonderful—and so then I was spiritually feeling so wonderful because I could SEE how much God touched it! And then Pastor Darrell prayed and was praying about us wanting more of the Spirit and the more healthy I get the more I am back to last week and that whole thing so I was crying out and it was just generally a great time. His word was good—and the people too. It is hard to leave this church. Genuinely it is. But I have nothing in me saying I SHOULD stay. Not really. Did God send me here or not? That might remain forever a mystery BUT I will say this, His PURPOSE for me here certainly included my learning the lesson I learned. It is powerful and it has power to after people. In some ways it is still too raw for me to just share. I would not yet be ready to share it in a group for example, but I think one day I will because the power and application in it is great. It is a concept we HEAR and HEAR in the church but until it is played out in your life and almost RUINS it you don’t know the power. I will never regret coming here.

Mindy emailed—the schedule for me has been approved by the VP of Academic Affairs and the memo is on the president’s desk; they are supposed to meet tomorrow. So perhaps 8 days before, I will know. Meanwhile my landlord called and said if I want to let David move in Sunday I can pass on the keys—take pictures of the place in case David changes it before he sees it Monday,and call him Monday to find out about the deposit. I am confident it will be returned to me—especially since I did not have it painted—and David doesn’t even want it painted or cleaned so the fact is, they didn’t lose a penny on it so they will return my pennies—they won’t invest a cent to repair it. Works for me. That was a huge deposit--$1000. Therefore, I should have move in expenses. And in East Texas that is double what I need.

I was really thinking about what God has for me SPIRITUALLY if I return. I know that if it is, indeed, this job that the schedule I have is for spiritual reasons and not so I can kick back. I know that in my spirit and I know it because of my life 6 years ago on a similar schedule. That was the biggest reason I wanted this job. I remember praying about it on my way to San Diego even. Ironically, it is the most spiritually dry place I can imagine and how can one short little tambourine banging dancing woman, breath life into a place? That is almost laughable. But I know it is spiritual.

Anyway, I better head toward the bed. Another long day tomorrow as I get up early, work and then Jenna comes at 8—late for me to get started, but it will be nice—and it will force me to work!!! I will transfer much to Belma’s tomorrow—everything except what I need for one, maybe two nights. Then Friday I will only go home after work to change before heading to Terry’s—dirty laundry in tow! And I am sure that will be a late night—but an awesome one. Saturday will be it—the last day here. I am going to wake up Sunday morning at Belma’s—without email (who wants to start waging bets on if I go into work for the first time EVER on a weekend!) You will know if any of you get email from me on Sunday.

Okay okay, I must go to sleep—so thankful I am better!

“Every good and perfect gift comes from above”—the Bible—some verse, I think in Romans, I am too lazy to look up at 10:20!

Last night right when I got into bed (currently the couch!), I started hacking yet again. I figured after talking to Robin on the phone and then Pastor Darrel, plus teaching all day, I had aggravated it even more. But I wanted to go to sleep. I had taken cough medicine (strong prescription stuff I have been on since the flu hit), but it didn’t work. I took ANOTHER dose. I figured I had a tolerance by now so I would up it. I wanted to just sleep.

Finally I got MAD. I sat up and prayed. I prayed so furiously that I aggravated it even more, but I didn’t care. I don’t even know how long I prayed but I believed and I was mad. I wanted the hacking to stop. I didn’t even mind a bit of stuffy nose and the occasional cough but I can’t STAND hacking—not in me or even the sound in other people. I absolutely hate it. So I prayed and already and prayed. And then I closed my eyes again.

I woke up at least three times in the night hacking—I actually slept worse after praying so hard than I did the other nights since I got sick 6 days ago. I was starting to have visions of driving to Texas, towing a trailer, hacking all the way. The CNN.com top story was the flu outbreak and its severity.

When I woke up, I didn’t dare speak. That makes it worse. Each morning I have woken up coughing the “good” way, where it was doing something and not just hacking but then it would turn dry and hacking, almost convulsive. Today was the same, only I was sore. My ribs hurt. That reminded me of couple years ago when I seemed to have bruised a rib with so much coughing. My throat hurt. And it as also frustrating because it is very hard for me to pray silently. I love to pray aloud. Even alone it helps me focus.

After little sleep I was exhausted and sore and frustrated. I was still thanking God for stopping the hacking, but felt terrible. I wanted to ENJOY my last few days. I thought I might have to call my doctor and ask for something stronger and decided I would drive by a pharmacy I had seen near work and get its name so they could call something in if necessary and I could get it in my prep period.

I sat down to read my Bible and I decided I was tired of this, and I wasn’t giving up. I started reading the Word out loud—just some Psalms I was reading, and that ended up being powerful and I didn’t care if it made me cough because I wanted to pray out loud. So I went for that to specific healing Scriptures—same ones I had been praying. And I read those too. And I sat there and had a wonderful time finally praying out loud again.

But it was in my early morning meeting that I saw that while I had the occasional cough, it was the person behind me hacking! Even after the morning the coughing I was doing was the good kind, not the dry convulsive kind. I was singing as I drove, talking to my classes and I had to cough once or twice here and there but that was it!

While it has flared up a bit moving boxes and running up and down stairs, it is different. It is not all gone, but I KNOW God touched. So there I was, high all day long on that passionate praying.

I can have whole conversations and teach whole increments of lessons hack free. I praise God because, no joke, this stuff is BAD and can longer and HAS in me. In fact my last year’s coughing went on fro a long time until the Lord touched that one night at church.

I have not had medicine at ALL since 6 a.m. and it is 6 p.m. And that is what I prayed—no hacking—just let me be free and let me go to church and be free to dance. I have three times left and I want to enjoy worshipping without the agony.

At least I THINK I have three times left—it is Wednesday and no call yet form the college, but I did get a call from an employer in Los Angels who saw my resume on monster.com. I am sure it is the foil, but I have to admit as far as being CERTAIN, it is still in God’s hands.

Meanwhile, I am typing this on my living room floor—the only things not out of here are my computer and the clothes, etc I need for daily living. In fact I already took most of my clothes to Belma’s and realized last night I didn’t know what I was wearing to work today and tonight I am in the same situation. I have stuff, but it is funny. But you know what else? It is FUN! I love eating take out on the floor and rummaging through my fridge fro something edible. I wouldn’t want to do it for a long time, but right now it actually feels kind of free. I have not been this free in a long time. I was not free before I moved because I was married to the idea of moving. Now I pretty much know where I am going and possibly the general location where I will live, but even that is not certain. And on top of that I am not SURE where I will live and the big mystery is church. Not a CLUE. But I am starting to think it is nowhere I know now.

Well, it is 6:15 and I have to throw on clothes and get to church soon. As soon as I pulled up from work, Randy came down the street the there way in his red Eclipse. Being a man, we got RIGHT to work. I had not had a drink in a while or even a real lunch (nutrition bar and apple at 1) and was so hungry. But to work we went. We loaded the rest of the storage stuff in my car and his and drove off to Sunland and unloaded it. The rest I will get alone or Jenna will help me with—not much really. Then he went his way and I grabbed dinner (El Pollo Loco—last night was the wonderful Italian Fisherman). Right now it is fun—when I return to East Texas (if I do) I am determined to begin running again—that is the only place I ever loved it. I need my trees and nature trails and lakes and cows.

Thank God I‘m a country girl.

I wonder if bachelors blog. I say this because I am living like one—in my big apartment with a sofa I sleep on, old food in the fridge, and a computer on the floor. It makes for difficult blogging!

I guess you don’t just eat pizza and chocolate for sadness. Sometimes you eat it after a great talk with your pastor and when you have not had a solid meal in days.

I am still hacking, and I hate it—but it is better. Darrell learned to pause between coughing spells as he shared. It was funny. But mostly it was good and I told him the whole story. I think that said a lot to him. He is a man and doesn’t express much like that but I think it had to mean a lot to him. I am glad I could tell him.

Tomorrow might be the day.

I leave in 9 days. That seems unbelievable—and officially I still don’t know where I am going.

My remaining time here is filled—work every day. Wednesday is church and Randy is helping me move more stuff to storage before church. Thursday Jenna is going to come help me. Friday is Terry. Saturday is maybe any last minute cleaning, but David might start moving in then. And I get my trailer hitch at noon. Sunday. Duh. Monday looks like Lisa, Nat and I are meeting for dinner. Tuesday is the only open day thus far—maybe Kerry? Wednesday church. Thursday I get the trailer and we load it and I park it at Darrell and Terry’s. Anyone who has been to Hoover HS knows you do NOT drive a car towing a trailer there. Some dorko put a large high school in a middle class neighborhood! Then Terry will drive me to Belma’s and someone will take me to work. Then I work Friday—Rae Etta will take me to Terry’s. If they are there I will say good bye. And then I will get out of LA before it gets dark—I am not looking forward to the towing part! Meanwhile I live on the floor, the couch, a guest house and two star hotels on either I-10 or I-40—that will likely depend on the weather. I want to go the northern route but with a trailer in winter that might not be smart. I can save it for when I drive back out. As much stuff as I still have I am afraid Thursday night we will be standing there and I will have to decide what to leave. But maybe Randy and Terry and whoever else can come will pack well.

In 6th period I have two girls I really like. They are eager to learn and very bright but also very outgoing and fun people. Today one of them said “Miss Tyrrell, I can’t believe you’re leaving—now that I finally got a good English teacher.” “Yeah! Really!” the other one echoed. It was nice to hear. The ones I thought I had somewhat connected with were sad. One almost cried. But it is not a big deal really. Still, I am glad in the end all my crankiness did not make me the wicked Susan of the West!

I am my happiest in the midst of action--when things are happening.

Or in the stillness and moments of intense peace.

I don't like the other times as much.

So my apartment is virtually without furniture. I still can’t breathe. And I may be days away from being a college professor. My life is weird.

1) Randy, Rick and Shelby from church came with a big truck and took much of my stuff to storage. They came early enough but I was so zonkered I could hardly think. I was ready then to go to bed for the evening. But it wasn’t as bad. They were strong and got it moved. There is a lot left because we didn’t have room, but Randy even offered to come back and help with that. Then we came back here and they loaded up the rest of the stuff that David, the renter, isn’t buying and filled the truck again and left. So I am sitting on the floor writing this.
2) This flu is evil. I have the icky awful cough and I think my cough syrup is bogus! I feel lousy. I really do. It is like I told Terry tonight—If I could just be healthy I think I could handle all this better. Right now I am so physically weak that it overwhelms me.
3) Mindy, from the college, called today. Long story but by week’s end I should have an offer for the full time temporary position which is likely to turn permanent. She said they really liked me. The first position went to the one already teaching there—standard—but this position is amazing because it is half English and half JOURNALISM! Indeed I may get to do a college newspaper. There are a lot of ifs—everything from preliminary temporary approval this week to graduate hours and final positions after that, but it looks positive. This possibility opens a lot of questions about where I will live and what I will do in regards to church, All I have to say to that is God can show me because I am clueless. But one definite problem I could have is that I cannot sign a one year lease. If the plans don’t pan out and I have to move on I could be in a lease nightmare again. And finding 6 month leases is harder so that is going to take some work in itself—I wish I could rent a room, a friend of a friend kind of thing until I knew. That would be prefect but I don’t know a soul who could do that. Housing could be a real beast of an issue actually because I cannot in good conscience sign a lease over 6 months and in East Texas they want a year! Yup. Lots of prayer. But for now I must sleep. It is only 8:30 but I am hacking up both lungs and feel so bad I can’t stay awake. Terry commented that I must be excited. I said I felt too bad to process it. That is true. It is exciting but I am so overwhelmed with being sick and all I have to do that I am not even on that planet. I need to be better!!!!

Raisin, date and walnut oatmeal, clementine tangerines—morning comfort food. It is 10:30 Sunday morning and I am at my computer and not in the church house—and not too happy about that! I PLANNED to go to church I set my alarm ad got up—and was hacking so bad I could hardly function. And then I knew even though I had slept the full night I needed MORE sleep. I could feel that in me too. I called Terry about bringing her dolly for Randy to use and SHE thought I should stay home. I don’t think I sounded very good. Mostly I knew I needed more sleep. So I gave up and went back to bed. I don’t think I could handle church today in my state-perhaps a quiet Baptist church on the corner, but that would still involve me getting dressed and being coherent and I am just not. Man this thing knocked me out bad.

I cannot describe how overwhelming it is to attempt to MOVE while you have the flu! I mean it is NUTS! And then of course when you get sick it is easy to lose perspective. So my mind is not holding a bunch of rational thoughts—instead I am sitting here thinking, my word, I am leaving Los Angeles in 10 days and don’t have a job! Am I NUTS! I don’t know if I have ever lived my life down to the wire like this before.

It is a fine line between trust and fear, but there is only one way I can go.

He’s still God and I’m still NOT.

It is barely midnight but still the next day has arrived. I am amazed at how a couple days ago I was totally healthy and now I can’t sit up for a whole hour! Last thing I recall before THIS nap is writing out what I needed from the store; I was going to attempt to go once it got later. Ha! I would hate to see me in a car! But I need food. I am scrounging now. I have some regular food but my body can’t handle it so I am looking for mild stuff. I want eggs so badly that I am willing to pay the 3.79 a dozen if necessary—but I am too sick to go get them. I haven’t spoke to a single person either and when I am already so weak, that is worse. I have tried to call people to pray for me but I can't reach anyone. I am like a guy when I am sick and that is not good--I need human contact! I need to just SPEAK to someone—even though I can barely speak! I am truly SICK. From the time I went to bed last night at 8:30 until 11:30 tonight—27 hours—I was asleep all but maybe 6-7 hours. That is amazing to me. I wake up, sit at the computer a bit, eat something and go right back to sleep. I don’t even need to use the bathroom much—guess my body needs all it is getting. That is a god thing because I am also on my last roll of toilet paper.

My fever hovered around 101 most of the afternoon. I thought I would enjoy lying around and reading and writing in my journal, but holding a book and getting comfortable is impossible.

So now it is midnight Saturday. I imagine that within an hour or two I will be back asleep—but I am a bit scared… If I don’t wake up healthy enough to pack and go to the store Saturday I am going to be in a bind because Sunday is absolutely the only day we can move my stuff. And I have to go on a 20 minute drive to just get the storage thing—40 minutes round trip. Right now that is NOT going to happen. IS that the most unbelievable thing? That Miss Healthy and Strong can’t drive 20 minutes or sit up for an hour?!

Speaking of which, I am losing steam sitting here—back to the couch in a minute…

I don’t say many bad things about Texas, but the incubation period for the flu is 1-4 days and I got home Tuesday and got sick Thursday. I probably picked it up at the wedding where there were so many people and a buffet and hugs and all that. The flu is a serious outbreak there, not as bad here. But apparently I brought little piece of Texas home!

I can think of happier memories.

The fun continues. My fever is still over 100 and I have basically done nothing all day but eat cereal and sleep. I just took a 3 or 4 hour nap after sleeping 11 hours last night. And I could probably go right back to sleep!

I got a little piece of Patience Testing today when I woke up to an email. But I have to wait til tomorrow to play it out. Wonder if it will make me sicker or better!

I am definitely thinking truck ran me over. I feel like one of those pathetic, flat cartoon characters.