the end.

It was the road trip that lasted almost a year. On March 7, 2003 I left Tyler, Texas with my car packed to the brim, headed to California for a road trip adventure.

I had no clue what was to come.

The road trip took nine months. In that time, I have seen a new life spring forth—with great labor pains, to be certain.

I have said a lot in this blog, but there is much I have NOT said, and now it is time. I went to California for a visit, found my heart’s home and went into a whirlwind romance until I was loading my stuff in a Penske truck across the miles to a fantasy I thought would be home.

As anyone who has read this blog knows, my fantasy fell to shreds, yet, with the exception of a few people, no one knows why. But it seems unfair to write a blog as long as a book and not have an ending.

I don’t need to detail how I came to move to Los Angeles because it is all in the blog. You can scroll down or search the archives for those details. Nor do I need to detail the tale of coming home. But there was a lot in the middle that I am about to expose. If one reads carefully—very carefully, and I think Robin is the only one who knew before it happened—the hints were there. You will find, encased in my prose, comments like “Everything is in place but my friend is missing.” Or church comments like “Was it worth it to give it all up for a chance to worship freely? Is worship that important that you can sacrifice the rest of your life?” Perhaps those are not word for word repetitions, but they convey the idea with which I was writing. Obviously, I was not happy. But as I mentioned recently, in the prison called Los Angeles, I was the one with the keys all along.

I learned the most important lesson of my Christian life, but bear with me, folks, because if you have grown up in the church, you risk blowing it off as church lingo, the catch phrases pastors use. But sometimes those abstract church terms become a matter of life or death, so read this entry if you have begun. And hear my heart—hear what I learned that I thought I already knew. How merciful the Lord is to save us from ourselves! Had He not I would be dead in my sin. Being alive in the flesh is useless if you are dead in your sin. I learned the hard way.

Okay, here goes the pure, and finally unadulterated, truth.

I use the word unadulterated in there even though that word has a clichéd meaning. A writer would tell you not to use clichés because, by definition, they have lost their meaning, but this time it fits. The truth was adulterated when I lived in Los Angeles—which of course does not make it truth. To be unadulterated it must focus wholly on a holy God without room for skewing. Truth is black and white. In Los Angeles I became gray.

I guess it started even before I left, when Terry had not called me after her vacation and before I left. Robin says I was a wreck on the road. .I guess I figured it was the stress of traveling and moving across country. But when I came back I drove alone for three days SICK and was not a wreck, so I suppose she is right. When I got to Los Angeles, the decline began. The root of all evil, I am beginning to think, is offense. And that is what I did and why I almost sacrificed my very sanity.

Terry hadn’t called. When we showed up at her house, they were gone and had left us a note. Inside I was thinking scary thoughts—here I was giving up my whole life to come to Los Angeles and my friend wasn’t even there for me. And with those thoughts I, in essence, issued the devil an invitation. And the little spirits scampered along for a hell-filled joyride. At the time it seemed like very righteous indignation. I ascribed labels to it that reflected on her, not me. I was the one making a supreme sacrifice for the call of God. How about some support here! I had no idea every thought was mental cancer spreading throughout my spirit.

Of course, I loved Terry so much that as soon as she did call or I saw her, all was okay. I was just happy to have my friend—until the next disappointment.

Within a few weeks it got worse. There were very unusual complications to all this—which I see now were things God allowed for reasons, but all I saw was the absence of Terry. Also, she was very sick for several weeks and so it was this war of wondering: WOULD she be around if she were well? But I didn’t think so.

And then the dance thing happened. I was going to lead, to be involved. Terry had scheduled me to do something at the church. Pastor Darrell knew of it. But there was a communication gap and when this happened, I fell hard. The offense in me grew to such proportions that I could hardly stand to live with myself. Meanwhile I had asked Pastor Darrell if I could talk to him and he had not replied but he HAD replied to my other emails. So there I was alone in Los Angeles and absolutely indignant that my old friends didn’t care.

And then as the offense built, so did my judgments. I would watch Terry at church and think “oh yeah, but what about what she did to me… “ Blah blah blah. I was full of it and thought I was right. I was so wrong.

At one point Terry and I talked and I told her how upset I was, but somehow it didn’t end up too well. I calmed down and felt well enough to come to church after missing a week, but in my heart, I was still bothered. I felt rejected, alone, and useless. Dance was all I had—there were no other ministries in the church for me. And even if there was a prayer ministry—ever tried to pray through a heart of offense? Ha!

I barely talked to Terry outside of church, until the day I wrote her a letter and told her I had had it and was sorry to disappoint her but I was going home to Texas as soon as I could get out of there. She called me that day and that was probably the start of a change. She was very kind and loving but I was so offended and upset deep down that I could not really receive it. She prayed for me that day and I lay there on my bed with my eyes open looking around my room. I couldn’t receive anything.

And then there were other consequences. Not only did I react that way to Terry, but it went to God. It was Halloween night. Terry and Pastor Darrell came to dinner that night. I had thought about canceling but after my trip to Texas a couple weeks before and my talk with Pastor Jerry and better focus, plus having it out in the open that I was leaving on the next train to Texas, I decided it would be okay. We really did have a great time. I had so much fun with them there. But it was after they left when I sat typing a letter that I realized the depth of it all. I had been crying for weeks, literally a cry of grief. The only tears I had ever cried at such a level previously had been when my mom died. But I didn’t know WHY I was grieving so deeply. And then I realized.

Go back in this blog to March and you will find the night Terry gave me a song called “Dance with Me” about dancing with Jesus, the lover of my soul. It became MY dance and MY holy romance. That became the metaphor of my whole LIFE. I fell so deeply in love with Jesus. I said I felt like I was getting married. I danced that dance both at Tyler Metro and NHFA and it was anointed because the Lord was in it. And then Halloween night it struck me—I felt I had been jilted at the altar by Jesus. My Christian foundation told me that was impossible but my feeling told me I was alone. And the disdain I already had grew to HATE. I HATED that song and that dance. I despised it. And it was an ugly hatred. In church, if I went, I could not dance to any songs that used a metaphor of Jesus as lover or husband, or anything about being in love with God. They were not truth to me, and at the time I couldn’t see what a big lie I was living.

After that realization, I knew I was in trouble. Immediately I knew I had to talk to either Pastor Darrell, Terry or Robin because they were the only ones who could understand since they knew the history. At this point things were better. I had talked to pastor Darrell after he didn’t respond because I mailed a letter to his house. It was a misunderstanding and we talked and it was okay. I got to a more neutral place with Terry. And I found it was hard to hate people who kept loving you anyway.

Robin was the only person who told me I was letting an offense control me but I couldn’t hear her. I yelled back that no I was not—my life was ruined because I missed God.

And in the quiet nights alone I believed that. I HATED my life. I hated my job with a passion. I hated driving anywhere, hated all the people around, sometimes I even hated church because everyone had a niche but me. I would sit there and wonder how I went from Miss Spiritually Mature Christian to Loser in the Lord. Did I miss God completely?

I grieved everything I had given up—my great Texas church where people knew me and liked me. My students I loved so much and my great job. My apartment was bright and nice and I could park right in front of it, not way back on a covered carport far away. Besides I gave up a normal rent and a place where everyone is nice. I gave everything up for a fantasy that never happened. I was so stupid, I thought. I HATED myself. I hated my life. I sank into a depression deeper than I had ever been in since becoming a sold out Christian. Robin had the closest clue of how bad it was, but even she didn’t know. It was BAD. The only thing I didn’t question was the basics of my faith—I questioned all the doctrine—and let’s face it at the rate I was declining that could have been next. One lie, one offense and it begins. The seed is planted and then the fall begins.

I actually tried to get counseling. I am one of the most sane and stable people I know in many ways, but there I was calling therapists on my off hours. Of course I would not dream of seeing a non-Christian because deep down I knew my problem was spiritual. But nothing worked out. Every door I knocked on for ANYTHING when I was in LA became nothing. Furthermore, I was sick and tired of hearing stories about Job from people. Truthfully, I was getting kind of mad at God for what He let happen to Job too.

I felt hopeless and miserable. I never wanted to die only because in my mind it would be worse to die in the pit of hell known as Los Angeles.

I would get in a routine and function. I never got so much sleep as when I lived there because I would come home from work, sit on the internet til my butt hurt, eat dinner and go to bed by 9 or so. I even dropped out of ballet class after a couple months.

I had a few happy times but all were when I went away—My trip to Texas, my trip to Pennsylvania. Mostly I was miserable. And one day I was listening to a CD and a song came on. A line in it reminded me of a move from a Shachah and before I could help myself I was seeing a dance in my head. And then I sobbed because new could not dance it from my heart. Every time I heard the song after that I sobbed because I remembered I used to be a person who could dance that with passion, and now it was dead. I cried for what was.

The day my friendship began with Cindy is one I will always remember because it was the Women’s Word Study and I was sandwiched between Terry and Cindy at some friendship themed Bible study. Gag me, was my prevailing thought. It was after the prayer time when Cindy looked at me and asked me if I knew God had called me there for a purpose and I burst into tears and told her no, I knew nothing. Of course the whole time she talked to me and tried to help, I had a secret inside—even as I write this she doesn’t know this—but I knew that I had an offense against Terry and that was going to prevent things from happening as she was saying. So I guess I wasn’t totally ignorant.

And where was Terry in all this? Loving me. She became MORE compassionate the more miserable I got. I remember talks after church when she was trying to say something spiritual to me and I just couldn’t get it. How could I if my mind was not God’s?

Meanwhile, it was not working out for me to talk to anyone about my Jesus Crisis. I almost wanted to talk to Pastor Darrell the most because as a man I thought he would be the most stable to discuss it with since it was so emotional in me. Then I was going to talk to both of them together. But it didn’t work. And then the most amazing thing happened. It DID work for me to talk to Robin over Thanksgiving. I was encouraged, but then a few days later I hit my lowest point.

Wednesday, November 19, was the worst day ever. I literally about snapped. I got so depressed that I was non functional at work. We had a meeting first thing at work, and I had to go sit with teachers and look as if I cared, and I could barely stop crying long enough to see. By this point the daily crying on the way to work had stopped but this day I was so miserable I could not function. I had decided by then to move home at Christmas. Anywhere in Texas was fine with me. And by then I didn’t want to go to Tyler anyway. I had had a conflict with someone there over something small and, not realizing it, I took it to heart so much that became a NEW offense and I suddenly saw the wonderful church and city I lived in as all bad. Why would I REALLY want to go back to Tyler Metro, I thought? No, I just need to be in Texas, I was just glamorizing the old.

This was another example of how one little offense can twist your mind so much that you can believe things OPPOSITE of how you saw them the day before. My Texas pastor, Pastor Jerry, says when an offense goes so deep, beyond the normal fleshly sense where you deal with it, and a spirit attaches itself to it, that the spirit that comes in amplifies the offense and everything else like a microphone does to our voices. I asked him if could use that in my blog because it explained so well what happened to me.

So I had decided to move home—Dr. Hayes had at least part time work for me, which I was confident would be full time. I vacillated between going to church or not bothering because I was so sick of church junk. Eventually I found a great church online and corresponded with the people there and was excited. But then I had to re-lease my apartment. I was constantly showing it but no one was buying. And that Tuesday night I remember I had hope and nothing had come of it. I went to bed depressed and when I woke up I was so down I felt like I had 300 pounds sitting on me. I had some codeine pills, allegedly for my tendon pain, and I took two right before my meeting. They got me able to say “good morning.” That wasn’t the first time, but it was the worst time—and the last. That day I sent emails to David and even Pastor Darrell. I told him I knew I sounded pathetic but I was struggling very badly and I needed prayer. I saw no point in putting up fronts. I was going to put up so many fronts it was going to kill me at that rate. I found a test or something for the kids to do and sat at that computer all day trying to say little so the kids would not suffer in my depression. I called Robin and left a message that I need her. This was not new—I had cried to her multiple times since I had gone. But this time I was lower than low. Of course all she knew to do was pray, but it actually seemed to help despite how low I was. It lifted some of the heaviness.

And that was when things started to change, from the outside in. First, circumstances changed—a money thing I needed to happen happened, and then the renter came back again to look and decided to rent. I was starting to be encouraged circumstantially that maybe I was getting out. The next day the college called wanting to interview me. But it was Friday, November 21, that the spiritual deliverance came.

Terry had come over to help me pack. We really had a good time. But then let’s face it, if I did not enjoy being with her so much I would not have been so hurt by all that happened, so that really was not a surprise. Later on she shared story with me about something spiritual that was close to her heart. And a few minutes later she said the words that forever changed everything “So you want to do some praying?” I think I told her no, at first. But she wouldn’t let it go. I told her I couldn’t. But she said she needed ME to pray for her and that situation. Thank God she didn’t let it go!

At first I wouldn’t pray—couldn’t pray. I couldn’t do it. She sat and sat and sat, patiently waiting. I WANTED to, but how could I? Sure I was calmer than I had been—hope was coming—I was probably getting out, the depression had broken, but still—I was not queen spiritual . But she sat and waited—a long time passed, but then I gave in. I prayed—and actually it was easy—I really did believe what I was praying—the issue was one I could relate to and really feel in my own spirit—as dormant as it was!—and also I guess it is one of those things you don’t forget how to do: Pray. The words came out, tentative at first, almost as simple as my first prayer with Robin six years prior. Then she prayed. And then we were done. And as we sat there I recognized something I had not felt in months—the settling peace of the Holy Spirit fell in the room. I didn’t know it at the time, but the deliverance had come.

I have not been the same since the second we prayed. If you have read this blog you will recall that I went to San Diego the next day to scope out a Shachah site for a conference, and I was praying all the way. I felt peace and closeness to God for the first time in four months. But I didn’t understand why one prayer had done it.

The next week I went to Texas for Maxine’s wedding. Of course I was not going to Tyler because I was offended. So the last thing I wanted to do was to be where I had hurt. But I was so much better with everything that I hardly even thought about that. I realized the insidious thing about offense is that you can justify it is gone simply because the initial hurt or anger has declined—when in all actuality it is buried and festering. We say we are over it but we aren’t. Everything with Terry had changed, but even though I thought I was okay with the other thing, I still had warped thoughts about home. I guess I knew it wasn’t all okay but I didn’t know how to deal with it. Fortunately, God did.

I had a great Thanksgiving at Terry’s house. My day started at 4:30 when I woke up suddenly. I had been waking up early a lot since my deliverance. I had been praying like I was making up for all the missed time. Since the day I went to San Diego I had been listening to the song that made me sob with longing. Thanksgiving morning I knew it was time to dance it. I danced to it at 5 a.m. and then fell on my face in prayer. I told the Lord that I submitted to Him. I had already told Him I would STAY in Los Angeles if He wanted me to—and then I even went and applied for a job in Los Angeles and posted my résumé online just to give Him the opportunity to open doors easily. I meant it. I also told Him I would submit to Robin’s ministry next that weekend in Dallas because I knew I needed something in that area of the Jesus Crisis.

Thanksgiving night I shared with Terry about all that—this was after she had given me my birthday present—a delicate cross that symbolized so much then and even more to us both now. We were doing well—we prayed that night and I prayed first—easily. Praying has been easy since then. I was without it so long when it is the heart and call in me that I became determined to never let it go again. Terry believes this is a ministry call I have—All I know for sure is it is a deep passion and has been since my first prayer with Robin in 1996. But I let that die too.

But there I was in Los Angeles and everything was so much better. For the first time since I moved I felt peace. I could stay or go and I was okay because I was walking with God again—but I didn’t know WHY. The answer seemed to come in that ministry time with Robin. That was essentially a night of intense prayer, and it worked. Over the next couple days everything burst open in the Spirit and all the answers came. I knew when I talked to Tara that Sunday night after seeing Robin and couldn't explain why I was better but just that I was, that where was more to it. That made it sound so arbitrary, but I didn’t get it. The answer came on Monday December 1—exactly 6 years to the very day I had my first deliverance—the smoking deliverance and vision of Jesus. Robin had prayed something where she talked about letting offenses go and that came back to me as I prayed that morning in Aunty Rose’s home. It was before my college job interview. And as I prayed—I think I was praying in the Spirit—I saw what had happened on November 21. I saw WHY one prayer had made such a difference. Terry was the main target of my offense. She was the friend who hurt me, the one who did something wrong in my eyes. And I had been separated from God for months because of this offense but I didn’t realize that was it. I thought I had just missed God. But I saw it in my head and I can still see what I saw December 1. Prayer is the power God uses, and prayer is one thing that died in my sin. BUT that night when we took hands and prayed, I prayed sincerely because I cared—we had had a nice night so my heart was softer. I prayed a genuine prayer—and I believe the Lord showed me that morning that when that happened the Holy Spirit was allowed back in to move—praying with the offender broke off the offense and released the Holy Spirit. That was when the deliverance came.

I drove to my interview that morning BEAMING and worshiping. It was on my way—on I-30 as I prayed—that I was thinking of Tyler again and saw the church in that marred picture I had had since the other offense. And then I realized what had happened. One person in her own struggles had said the wrong thing to me and my view of an ENTIRE CHURCH AND CITY was changed so much that I never wanted to SEE it again. I think you could have heard me repenting all the way to Arkansas. And then I picked up the phone and called the person. We didn’t talk til later but we had a great talk because my heart was right again. I love her more now, I think, because now I see her a picture of God’s work in me. If I had held on to that, I would not even be living in Tyler now.

The final puzzle piece came 30,000 feet in the air Dec. 2 as I flew home, still lost in worship and love for the Lord. I looked out the window at the clouds and told the Lord how much I loved Him. And then the Jesus answer came: “He didn’t leave ME at the altar—I LEFT HIM” That is what my offense did. You can’t go to the altar of God with a mounding offense—so Jesus stood there waiting. Loving—until I came back and joined Him at the altar.

And Terry stood there loving me alongside Him. I resented her; I judged her. But she loved me. I always said they had the strongest anointing of love. I even said—GASP—I wanted that anointing. God is faithful even when we are not.

But love is it. I learned that by being loved—I learned that love is more important than I ever knew. Loving someone can affect their spiritual life. If Terry had not loved me, it is unlikely the offense would have broken off as completely. She was willing to serve me and be with me when she knew—in fact, she knew before I did. That is true love—and she loved me back into the Lord’s arms in an even greater way.

I know what love means now. I don’t always know how to do it. But I know that love means you LOVE—PERIOD. You look on others with compassion and favor when you want to slap them. You cover a multitude of sins with forgiveness. And you never ever let any disagreement in your heart.

Something happened recently that hurt me pretty badly. I wrestled with it because I did not want it to be an offense. And then Robin and I had a big conflict in the middle of that. That is what I wrote about the other night. But I could recognize it—I didn’t know HOW to keep offense from developing, but I cried out to God. He was so faithful and poured out grace—it wasn’t me. The next day all I felt was immense, even greater love for Robin and the other issue was tempered. I still didn’t understand it, but I was again filled with love.

I have a picture I have had by my side since right after Thanksgiving. It is that silly picture of me standing between Pastor Darrell and Terry on Thanksgiving—in that cheerleading costume. I cherish that picture because it is a picture of unity.

The analogy I make now is academic. Since my deliverance experience of 1997 that changed me forever, I have felt like the Lord has almost given me a Bible college education. If I were to detail all the opportunities I have had and people I have sat under and lessons I have learned it would seem like I was in Bible school. I even made a list once in a letter to Terry, like what the course would be called and who the teacher was—it was pretty incredible. And then I realized what this was like. I have always said that Pastor Darrell and Terry were the most anointed people in the areas of love and forgiveness. So I realized that God allowed me to spend a semester away taking a class in love and forgiveness from masters in the field. That amazed me. And I think it was with that realization that I knew it was for more. I have thought that for years. I have said it and others have said it, but I think I began to believe it. I know the is a call to something—I don’t know what it is but I have known it for years, but after seeing what God did in this I knew. In fact that day after Robin left when I was praying in the Spirit, I knew what was happening—I saw that door open that day and felt it had just been released in the Spirit.

I am so thankful, God could have let me grow complacent in my offense. When you look at many Christians you can see it frequently—the words people speak really do reveal their hearts. People have so many unhealed hurts that haunt them. Why did God pull me from the swamp instead of letting me sink? It was my choice. I was in rebellion to Him. I sinned. It was SUSAN! Every true misery in LA was my own blooming fault. It probably could have been spared in JUNE when I had my trip out there and the root started. But I didn’t want to face it or confront it—what if it didn’t go well and then I didn’t want to move out there? So I buried it. I didn’t go to Terry or try to deal with any of it. It was my fault.

For the record, blog readers, hear this loud and clear. I made a decision that was right—pursuing God passionately—and one that was wrong—letting myself get offended. The wrong one is the antithesis of the Cross and negated the right one. When Jesus hung on the Cross even the Father turned His face away. GOD CANNOT BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SIN! Why was that so hard for me to understand while I was busy being “right”? Now I get scared when I hear people get upset with people—which of course I hear all the time because this is the real word. And of course I struggle with it too—hello, last week it was me fighting it even after great revelation! But I get scared because I know the pit it can become. I would literally bet MONEY that if we went into any mental institution and were somehow able to see the root of what made a person “crazy” we would find an offense. The difference might be the magnitude of it or timing in life, or the previous stability of the person.

Many people do not know how unstable I used be. If not for the mighty hand of God in my life I would have been in a mental hospital at least once. I would have been a lot of things, none of them good. The Lord has worked amazingly in my life over the years and I am very sound and stable—often more so than many around me who have always been considered “normal” but I know it is God’s work in me. But because of my predisposition to instability, I saw clearly, I think, the wiles of the enemy when I came out of this. It is never right to be offended, even if someone slaps you. It makes it all so clear—why Jesus says turn the other cheek. It is not for our enemies but for us! He knows it will save our lives. Yesterday I read a verse the whole world knows, but it struck me. “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, nether will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15, NKJV) It is clear. Some things in the Bible take interpretation. That doesn’t.

The other thing I read a lot of is I John. Teach me to love has become my prayer. It is hard—it goes against my nature but it is life and breath so I will learn.

Since the breakthrough on November 21, I have been a different person. I was only away a semester but I grew up. I did. I am not the same person who left here in August. That is why I hate the question: “So you just decided you don’t like it out there, huh?” It was so much more than that. In the end I went to both Pastor Darrell and Terry. We talked separately and I told them this story first. I repented and never had to wonder if they would forgive me because they already had the love revelation. Terry said that she had already forgiven me even before I came out there. She knew. The night told Terry we shared communion together—a very significant and special event for us both. We are stronger friends now than before. And in two weeks I will be on a plane back out there to visit again. I am the only person I now with a church in Texas and a church in California—and I regularly attend both!

I stand in awe of my Lord who has loved me enough to give me victory in an area where I asked for defeat. We go so delicately by the grace of God. I think maybe I understand how great people fall. It takes ONE slip up, one open door and the decline begins. I know because I did it. Who is not vulnerable?

The enemy roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.

He roams and searches and we get mad that someone did not return our call again or said the wrong thing.

Come on in, Enemy, I have prepared a table for you.

God loves me when I do the stupidest things ever—how dare I, in my humanness not love those around me? So now I am learning—present tense—not learned, but on the right track.

Over 10 months ago I left on a road trip to California. It was going to be a fun adventure. All the details are contained the previous pages of this blog. I intended this blog to last a few weeks at most. But Susan’s Road Trip to California became a real metaphor. It was nine months from start to finish. I don’t think that was an accident either. God works in cycles. I feel like I was born again all over again. I love God so much more than ever because I understand His love in a deeper dimension. I had no idea what a tough lesson I would learn when I left last March. If I had a clue of HALF of what was to happen, I would never have gone to California in March. But I don’t believe for a second it was a mistake. I think exactly what was supposed to happen did. I would not have learned this lesson in my cozy life in Tyler. I am a compensator. Things are bad in one realm I fill up the other and deny the first. Offenses can ferment quietly that way—someone in my personal life hurts me so I focus on work and don’t deal with it. But in LA I had nothing good but church and that was tarnished with the offense., I had nowhere to run and nothing with which to compensate. That probably saved my life. That was the most populated wilderness experience ever, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The effects it has had on me are amazing also. Not only has it begun to teach me about real love in a way I never understood, but it has grown me up in all areas of my life and it has settled me. If money is ever okay in that sense I am actually talking of buying a house. Susan put down ROOTS. But I guess it makes sense, I have put down enough of the WRONG roots, so maybe it is time for the right ones.

I returned joyfully to Tyler. I love my new life, my new home and my new job. My only hesitation is that I cannot get too attached while this job is considered INTERIM. I hate that word! IF it goes permanent, I start house hunting in a couple years. I am ready to live. Somehow this one revelation ties up a lot of loose ends for me. I don’t have it all down perfectly by any means. But I have enough that I am anchored. Just as my smoking deliverance anchored me forever even though I had some terrible times emotionally after, so has this give me an anchor that cannot be moved. It is too heavy and deeply ingrained. And I am reminded of God’s grace daily because the anchor that could be immovable in me COULD be my sin, but instead it is HIS forgiveness. And in His great love has restored all to me that I thought I lost—and then some. I have a better job, better home, me friends, higher salary, more stability, and more hope.

So I am home. Really I am home. I committed to love and give. I am committed to walking it in whatever way the Lord opens a door for every call I feel in me. I have had too much put in me to wait until it randomly appears. God is moving and I am going with Him. In the last week a new move has started in me that I can’t even explain. All I have to say is sometimes the very thing you laugh at can be the thing God does in you.

So the new adventure begins. Perhaps there will be another blog soon. But I am not sure I need one anymore. My blog is a book and now it has an ending. So much has happened and so many things have shaped me. But only one thing matters and that is the ultimate lesson—old words with a new meaning that will forever make me different:

The greatest of these is love.

1/9/04--One thing that amazed me is how one minute everything is so me, and the next it is so God. What He did today is utterly astounding to the fleshly part of me, and yet I know even greater His grace and mercy.

Love. It is all about love now. And I don’t think I will ever escape it again.

Sometimes the test of true deliverance comes when faced with the next great crisis. Two weeks after I was delivered from smoking, I did not see the POINT of not smoking. I was so upset, despondent, rejected, hopeless. How do you see God through that? And yet at the crisis climax, what Jesus had done was greater than my pain.

This was similar. It was also miraculous. Nothing I did.

Sometimes you see how far you have come more by what you DON’T do than what you actually DO.

If I would ever finish this long blog with that final entry, all these abstract entries would make more sense! Sufficient to say, today was nothing short of a miracle of the power of God working in a human life and causing freedom where the devil seeks bondage.

In other (ordinary) news today, many things came together better. I got heat, got enrolled at UT for my grad classes, and completed a lot around my new home. I will probably move tomorrow. I bought a computer desk and bookcase today. The bed came this morning, and last night Tara, Donald, Micah and I got my mattresses. My room is wonderful and when it is fully complete will be my glorious haven.

But my favorite room in that whole big townhome is the prayer closet. And I am not kidding when I say that the glory of God lives in that room. I mean, it is almost overwhelming. I guess when Robin and I prayed last weekend God moved and that place became my place of prayer. I am not sure I will ever want to leave that place simply because of that teeny room where I will meet with God in many glorious moments. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.

I am hanging out on the couch in Robin’s living room. I was so cold today I could hardly stand to breathe in air. It was around 20 degrees this morning and climbed all the way to the 30s. Ow! But even though it is utterly miserable, I LOVE it.

Work was fine—a couple boring meetings but not much else. I left in the early afternoon and went to a Super Wal-Mart to buy stuff to make dinner for Robin and me—as well as to get some things like pans and even a bread maker.

I forgot to go to the post office AGAIN. Is it Freudian? A subconscious desire to keep this as my address? I mean that is just STUPID—who wants to drive to Quitman all the time! I MUST go tomorrow.

After work my sofa is being delivered and then I will go to church so I probably will go straight to Tyler—it will be a long day. Maybe it will be warmer. I am under an afghan and chilled through and through. It is supposed to be 18 degrees tonight.

Had some emotional ups and downs today. So which part was God from Sunday night? What was my own feelings? Was it all Him? So hard to tell, to learn—to grow in the Sprit—and yet nothing I want more. And that unusual thing in me… I can tell it is still there even though nothing like Sunday has happened again. Robin says t could just simply be the joy of the Lord or the rivers of living water welling up in me. It is something—and it causes me to glorify God so it is something good, but that is all I know…

I questioned Sunday night’s decision today. But after talking to Robin she said something she didn’t even realize that made me decide I have to give it more time, so we will see. Meanwhile in the little emotional time, some truth came out of me again. It is something I must discuss in depth with the Lord, perhaps even tonight, but something I know I must deal with. This is harder because with Terry and Pastor Darrell I knew hw I would be received—with Robin I know too, but not this time. But I can tell the underlying hurt exists and must be confronted. Freedom comes with truth, not cover up.

And the blog continues almost as normal, but it is not—maybe this weekend I will eke out the rest of the story. But soon.

Tara and I are furniture shopping Thursday and getting mattresses. I will have heat then too. Friday the bed comes and I imagine that Saturday or Sunday I will move in there and out of here. Three weeks. I have prayed more than once that God do a quick work.

Can it be quick enough to satisfy a lifetime?

In Quitman today the temperature is topping out at about 40 degrees; tonight it will be 22 or less. Yikes I am COLD! I forgot how miserable cold can be as I started work today in college-land. Oh, how delightful to be treated as a PROFESSIONAL. Okay, yeah, I had an in-service schedule—but no one cared if I went to any meetings. I did not see a sign in sheet all the glorious day. I attended only the morning assembly before my immediate supervisor took me aside so we could talk-then we went and met my assistant in journalism. I spent all day in the newsroom. I attended no more meetings. Tomorrow’s 9-5 schedule is now 9-12 for Susan—there is some mandatory meting in the morning but that is it. After lunch is an OPTIONAL 4 hour CPR class. Like DUH!!!

I was welcomed by everyone I met but knew even more. My supervisor was amazed. She kept introducing me to people I knew well! It was funny-and it probably made me look good. That is what I need. Although I think the real effort will simply be in if they can GET the full time position approved. That is hanging in the air for now—looks good, but no promises. That is the only downside—can’t get your heart fully involved til you KNOW.

On the other side of my brain is what is happening spiritually. Something major happened last night and yet today it is so normal in the world that I almost wonder if I imagined it all—even though I know I didn’t. Tonight I emailed Camilla to ask her for some Scriptures she gave me years ago explaining something I didn’t understand—only this time I was asking because it is happening to me. This followed the astounding, powerful prayer time last night and the changes that I am not even sure I understand. I made one tangible change and though it has only been a day I notice no difference—after almost two years I wonder if I will at all. All I know is that I believe God did something. I believe Robin—I believe the anointing in her, and I responded based on what I had in my head afterwards. So I acted in faith. I have not told Robin yet, but she will understand how significant it is. I suppose we won’t know for weeks. This blog will be long over.

Yes, folks, it will. The ONLY hold up is finishing that long final entry where I tell the rest of the story. I just need to take time and sit down and do it. I think now that I have found the answer, the ending of the story, I have no real desire to continue this blog. I maybe start another, perhaps for other purposes. But the road trip is over. Sometimes you learn things in a week on the road, and sometimes it takes nine months, but you either learn or waste away in that area. God is faithful. And now the learning has expanded. I don’t know what He is doing right now. I don’t comprehend it. I am used to my mind being actually engaged but that is it. So there are new paths ahead, new things for my God and me to do together.

I will embrace every moment!

When the things you used to think were nuts start to happen to you, you know the Spirit has come upon you in a new way.

Double major wow!!!!!

The Lord worked a miracle in me tonight. I experienced a mighty anointing as Robin prayed (so did she--even moreso!). And the heavens opened. Literally, I think.

Major WOW!

I don’t blog much these days. the reason for that is twofold: One is because I am at Robin’s still and if I am home I am often out talking to her, not blogging. Duh—like there is a choice. Two is that I am almost done anyway—currently I am working on the last blog entry. I have written about a page of it, but it is hard to write, hard to express. It may take me a while—especially since my life is loony again.

I start work tomorrow. I am not ready. I guess if it were just classes it would be easier, but I have two solid days of 8-5 in-service. That consumes my day and part of my evening,. This is only two days but it is not a great time because there is so much going on.

I just got home from church and am finding myself a bit out of it. Church was good. In fact there was a sweet anointing permeating the entire place this morning. Communion was beautiful, and I enjoyed the service. But I think I am too tired. I have little energy today. I am just too tired. Period. Since it is almost 4:30, sleeping would be useless. But it isn’t helping me since I am so exhausted. I did not even go by my place in Tyler today. I can’t handle masses of boxes when I am overtired.

I have definitely made the right decision because the idea of commuting to church is simply GROSS. This is my second Sunday of a rainy commute and I don’t like it. It is too far to go and come—you want to linger but when you do you have a whole hour before you go. It will be good to live by church. Work commutes are different.

So I am not sure what is ailing me. Maybe some minor anxiety—nothing huge but more like the way you feel when there is so much that has to happen in a specified time period and the idea is a bit overwhelming. Also maybe a bit of apprehension. New job, new home, new friends.

That is another thing: Friends. Yikes. I find myself wanting to run fast and far from people. The very things I though the Lord told me to do are TERRIFYING me now that the newness has worn off. I realize the truth of that: Unless I feel God I not direct me or has changed His mind, then I stay with the instruction I have unless otherwise directed.

But I am not sure I am strong enough. Sure I am grasping some stuff way better and operating in it. My prayer life has snowballed. My intimacy with God is on a deeper level. But, darnit, that people thing is tough. This morning in the midst of a very nice service and lovely worship I found myself wrestling with the same feelings of wanting to run. I won't of course; I’ve nowhere to go anyway. I already went. I am back with new vision.

No one told me that new vision could be a bit hard to see all the time.

People are telling me they are glad I am back. I could not have really asked for a nicer welcome back than I have received from people. And Carissa phrased it best when she said it was like I never left—there I was sitting near her where she could hear me laughing at the funny things Pastor Jerry said and the usual stuff. I told her that is exactly what it felt like to me too.

Maybe that is it: Maybe it is too familiar and that is what is off today.

Texas TIDNOTES for today (you would have had to be in church this morning to know what a TIDNOTE is!) include a cold front that meant it was almost twenty degrees warmer when I walked in the restaurant for lunch than when I emerge red from eating. I forgot how East Texas weather changes so suddenly. I was HOT when I left the house this morning and so could I was almost shivering when I was leaving to come home. Lunch itself was rather Texas—Armadillo Willy’s. I no longer flinch at seeing things like the “dillo wrap” or express surprise that the offer a Buffalo Burger.

Texas is strange at times, but it is still me.