tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51116182011-04-21T20:04:29.994-07:00Susan's Road Trip to California--ContinuedThis is probably the longest road trip EVER. Before it ends back in Texas next year sometime I will have experienced many things from ecstatic spiritual highs to deep humility and pain. In the end I will come out stronger and knowing more than ever. My TX pastor said it best--I have a great CAPACITY to grow spiritually. If only it weren't so hard to do. If only you could fail alone.
Susannoreply@blogger.comBlogger3771100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1074203059965437902004-01-15T13:44:00.000-08:002004-07-19T22:14:16.233-07:00the end.
Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1074203018841283592004-01-15T13:43:00.000-08:002004-07-19T22:14:46.046-07:00It was the road trip that lasted almost a year. On March 7, 2003 I left Tyler, Texas with my car packed to the brim, headed to California for a road trip adventure.
I had no clue what was to come.
The road trip took nine months. In that time, I have seen a new life spring forth—with great labor pains, to be certain.
I have said a lot in this blog, but there is much I have NOT said, and now Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1073716291739603752004-01-09T22:31:00.000-08:002004-07-19T22:29:45.516-07:001/9/04--One thing that amazed me is how one minute everything is so me, and the next it is so God. What He did today is utterly astounding to the fleshly part of me, and yet I know even greater His grace and mercy.
Love. It is all about love now. And I don’t think I will ever escape it again.
Sometimes the test of true deliverance comes when faced with the next great crisis. Two weeks after ISusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1073451552315236982004-01-06T20:59:00.000-08:002004-07-19T22:28:04.206-07:00I am hanging out on the couch in Robin’s living room. I was so cold today I could hardly stand to breathe in air. It was around 20 degrees this morning and climbed all the way to the 30s. Ow! But even though it is utterly miserable, I LOVE it.
Work was fine—a couple boring meetings but not much else. I left in the early afternoon and went to a Super Wal-Mart to buy stuff to make dinner for Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1073360339620481322004-01-05T19:38:00.000-08:002004-07-19T22:30:06.726-07:00In Quitman today the temperature is topping out at about 40 degrees; tonight it will be 22 or less. Yikes I am COLD! I forgot how miserable cold can be as I started work today in college-land. Oh, how delightful to be treated as a PROFESSIONAL. Okay, yeah, I had an in-service schedule—but no one cared if I went to any meetings. I did not see a sign in sheet all the glorious day. I attended only Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1073303626148902642004-01-05T03:53:00.000-08:002004-01-05T03:55:24.543-08:00When the things you used to think were nuts start to happen to you, you know the Spirit has come upon you in a new way.
Double major wow!!!!!Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1073273464035041142004-01-04T19:31:00.000-08:002004-01-04T19:38:20.543-08:00The Lord worked a miracle in me tonight. I experienced a mighty anointing as Robin prayed (so did she--even moreso!). And the heavens opened. Literally, I think.
Major WOW!Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1073261297219411862004-01-04T16:08:00.000-08:002004-01-04T16:09:54.793-08:00I don’t blog much these days. the reason for that is twofold: One is because I am at Robin’s still and if I am home I am often out talking to her, not blogging. Duh—like there is a choice. Two is that I am almost done anyway—currently I am working on the last blog entry. I have written about a page of it, but it is hard to write, hard to express. It may take me a while—especially since my life isSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072845254972483542003-12-30T20:34:00.000-08:002003-12-30T20:35:45.856-08:00I realized just a minute ago that this blog really is almost done. I have said that I was finishing it before, but it wasn’t in my heart—it was formulaic. But the season is over. I am not sure exactly WHEN I will finish it. But I know it is about done. I guess one thing I have to do is write down the last revelation—the greatest one of all. Literally, it is the greatest. I am not up to that yet—ISusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072666834072925092003-12-28T19:00:00.000-08:002003-12-28T19:02:02.700-08:00I went back to church today and felt like I never left. If not for Pastor Jerry welcoming me back publicly I would hardly have thought I was away for a semester. It was wonderful.
It was also neat because both the Sunday school and church messages were confirmations of where I am and what God has been doing. In church there I was again with a flag in my hand, dancing around in worship. I was Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072589134663085242003-12-27T21:25:00.000-08:002003-12-27T21:27:38.513-08:00Excerpts from a couple letters to Terry today:
Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. SheSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072589096894364622003-12-27T21:24:00.000-08:002003-12-27T21:26:24.000-08:00Excerpts from a copuple letters to Terry today:
Robin says I am antsy! In fact I am driving her crazy because I can’t sit still. Bless her heart, I was talking to her and she was trying to tell me something and she stopped mid sentence--I was driving her crazy because my head was bobbing back and forth. I could not even sit still—she said she has never seen this way before! It was hysterical. Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072508027368286732003-12-26T22:53:00.000-08:002003-12-26T22:55:12.810-08:00Friday December 26, 2003
Today was the perfect day. They don’t happen often but they sure are great then they do. Robin and I went shopping in Dallas. We had a perfect time, laughing gabbing, being together. It has been a very long time since we had this much time together to relax and have fun. I hope it is not that long til next time. We had a delicious dinner at Maggiano’s Little Italy at Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072401845310030812003-12-25T17:24:00.000-08:002003-12-25T17:25:29.560-08:00I have not blogged much lately. It is hard. I am living at Robin’s and my full sized computer is on a hardwood floor. Thus, I either have to sit or lay on the floor which is cold, and besides that my ribs are very sore from being bruised, so it is simply uncomfortable to blog. I expect to purchase my new laptop tomorrow at which point blogging can be done from in bed.
Christmas was nice. The Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072156795387658902003-12-22T23:14:00.000-08:002003-12-25T17:25:51.123-08:00A whole semester I lived in Los Angeles and not once felt an earthquake. There were a few mild ones, but I never felt one. I thought of that as I left town, thinking it was astounding to have NOT felt one in the time I was there.
Today a big quake struck near where I grew up. It was felt from San Francisco to Los Angeles. James called Beverly while I was over to ask if it was near where I had Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1072066205959124432003-12-21T20:10:00.000-08:002003-12-21T20:11:25.340-08:00Sunday December 21, 2003
Amarillo, Texas, 5:29 a.m. local time. Red Roof Inn.
Yes, folks, I am in Texas. Of course, the ironic part is that before I get home I will cross into Oklahoma and then back down into Texas again. Still, I am in my state. Am I crazy or did I notice a difference on the other side of the state line? The sky is bigger; the stars are brighter. The night is filled with a Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071850794995037672003-12-19T08:19:00.000-08:002003-12-19T08:21:11.030-08:00Thursday December 18, 2003
I am hoping to post this before I get on the road tomorrow but that is not a definite. Sometimes you know you are beating the enemy by the things he pulls on you—when he can’t get at the emotions and stuff that deep, he goes for the stuff—This is why today I have a big new scratch on my car and a broken modem on my laptop the day before a road trip. It is pretty Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071730540526010272003-12-17T22:55:00.000-08:002003-12-18T10:08:46.826-08:00I left my legacy at North Hollywood First Assembly—it is stuck under the first pew, second seat—between Terry and Cindy, where I sat every week…
Saying good bye was hard. I don’t mean saying good bye to people. I only had a few personal good byes tonight and I will be back in a month, for Pete’s sake! But saying good bye to the church was VERY hard. I worshipped up a storm, ended up on my faceSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071696895534286112003-12-17T13:34:00.000-08:002003-12-17T13:49:12.360-08:00I think I have decided to drive I-40 going home. It came to me this morning and checked the weather. It will be VERY cold but no precipitation is predicted along the whole route. It is hilly, but not that bad. It is prettier and nicer. There is even better cell service along that way. But the most important reason is spiritual.
When I started this blog I began my road trip to California on Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071639786079758692003-12-16T21:43:00.000-08:002003-12-17T13:39:08.560-08:00I am on vacation.
That is how it is now—being with people, eating fast food every day, being too busy to stop and think, even the morning bagel off the freeway onramp says vacation. And Friday the trip ends.
You know what? It was never home . It feels like a vacation—in many ways it was a BAD vacation for a while but it was never home. And now I am leaving. And tonight Terry and I stood in theSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071466326288586052003-12-14T21:32:00.000-08:002003-12-17T13:40:57.653-08:00There is no feeling as great as when you know you are consumed by the Spirit—no worship is better, no prayer means more, no sermon comes more alive. Diana commented that she watched me as I danced today I “had some moves.” Any move I had was the Spirit in me. What anointing is in that worship anyway, but when you are under the anointing yourself, it is awesome.
When will I play a tambourine on Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071381309441672962003-12-13T21:55:00.000-08:002003-12-17T13:42:45.420-08:00I am moved out now. It is Saturday night and the only thing remaining in my apartment on California Boulevard in Pasadena is my vacuum cleaner. I will get that Monday when I check my mail and turn in the key. The scary part is not that; it is that I have a lot of stuff despite getting rid of so much. When you are a reader and English teacher, you acquire things that take up space—books, papers, Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071299437629898302003-12-12T23:10:00.000-08:002003-12-13T21:54:36.606-08:00I came home from work to find my electricity turned off. Oh yeah, it is Friday. I guess I thought David, the renter, would probably have turned it on, but I was wrong. Thus I was in the dark. No computer, no light. UGH! I frantically called Terry--who I had plans with in a while-to see if I could sleep at her place. Belma was not home and I had just told her I would be there tomorrow. So here I Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071178796945986752003-12-11T13:39:00.000-08:002003-12-11T13:41:02.340-08:00This is simply a copy of the letter I sent all the people praying and people back "home."
Finally the verdict—8 days before I pull out of California! Some of you may know none of this, some know parts of the story and a few know it all. Those who know it all know that in the end this California adventure was more exciting than Disney’s theme park of the same name with as many ups and downs asSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071124414649778872003-12-10T22:33:00.000-08:002003-12-11T08:34:36.000-08:00Just got home from church and ate dinner—the rest of my El Pollo Loco. My apartment is rather bare. I pilfered through a storage container to find an old oatmeal raisin granola bar for dessert to dissipate the salsa remains. I had a GREAT time at church—I danced a LOT! That is, of course, notable because yesterday I could not generally complete a paragraph without coughing. Yes, there is the Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071109385372727262003-12-10T18:23:00.000-08:002003-12-10T18:24:09.950-08:00Last night right when I got into bed (currently the couch!), I started hacking yet again. I figured after talking to Robin on the phone and then Pastor Darrel, plus teaching all day, I had aggravated it even more. But I wanted to go to sleep. I had taken cough medicine (strong prescription stuff I have been on since the flu hit), but it didn’t work. I took ANOTHER dose. I figured I had a Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071035424932723032003-12-09T21:50:00.000-08:002003-12-09T21:51:28.030-08:00I wonder if bachelors blog. I say this because I am living like one—in my big apartment with a sofa I sleep on, old food in the fridge, and a computer on the floor. It makes for difficult blogging!
I guess you don’t just eat pizza and chocolate for sadness. Sometimes you eat it after a great talk with your pastor and when you have not had a solid meal in days.
I am still hacking, and I hate Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1071004310544144162003-12-09T13:11:00.000-08:002003-12-09T13:52:27.920-08:00I am my happiest in the midst of action--when things are happening.
Or in the stillness and moments of intense peace.
I don't like the other times as much.Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070858277857294002003-12-07T20:37:00.000-08:002003-12-07T20:38:58.403-08:00So my apartment is virtually without furniture. I still can’t breathe. And I may be days away from being a college professor. My life is weird.
1) Randy, Rick and Shelby from church came with a big truck and took much of my stuff to storage. They came early enough but I was so zonkered I could hardly think. I was ready then to go to bed for the evening. But it wasn’t as bad. They were strong Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070841763001271352003-12-07T16:02:00.000-08:002003-12-07T16:03:43.780-08:00Raisin, date and walnut oatmeal, clementine tangerines—morning comfort food. It is 10:30 Sunday morning and I am at my computer and not in the church house—and not too happy about that! I PLANNED to go to church I set my alarm ad got up—and was hacking so bad I could hardly function. And then I knew even though I had slept the full night I needed MORE sleep. I could feel that in me too. I called Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070698629621843402003-12-06T00:17:00.000-08:002003-12-06T00:23:01.076-08:00It is barely midnight but still the next day has arrived. I am amazed at how a couple days ago I was totally healthy and now I can’t sit up for a whole hour! Last thing I recall before THIS nap is writing out what I needed from the store; I was going to attempt to go once it got later. Ha! I would hate to see me in a car! But I need food. I am scrounging now. I have some regular food but my body Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070663442132227882003-12-05T14:30:00.000-08:002003-12-05T14:44:51.716-08:00The fun continues. My fever is still over 100 and I have basically done nothing all day but eat cereal and sleep. I just took a 3 or 4 hour nap after sleeping 11 hours last night. And I could probably go right back to sleep!
I got a little piece of Patience Testing today when I woke up to an email. But I have to wait til tomorrow to play it out. Wonder if it will make me sicker or better!
I Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070640049456300792003-12-05T08:00:00.000-08:002003-12-06T00:26:32.826-08:00What a fun night I had—ha! I went to bed with my annoying flu at 8:30—I mean to sleep right away. Around midnight I woke up feeling nauseas. Sometimes like in the mornings when I take vitamins but have not eaten solid food I feel that and so I have actually gotten used to it! But this was different. I got up to go to the restroom where I had left the heater on because I was freezing and shiveringSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070596976010089582003-12-04T20:02:00.000-08:002003-12-04T20:03:53.106-08:00The oddest pattern in my Christian life is that immediately after serious spiritual breakthroughs, I get sick. I certainly don’t think it is God who gets me sick—I have two theories. One is the obvious Christian one—that it is an attack from the enemy. But just as I started typing I think I might even buy into my other one. I wonder if all that oppression inside is finally free to come out when Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070562994251392852003-12-04T10:36:00.000-08:002003-12-04T10:37:30.360-08:00I am quite a sight. I just arrived at work with a double latte and a Diet Coke—my hands were so full I barely could carry my teaching stuff! It is a funny thing that I drink more coffee when I am spiritually in a good state. It is not that mysterious though. When I am operating in God the right way all I want to do is God stuff, so it is typical for me that I will stay at church late like I did Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070478052039958532003-12-03T11:00:00.000-08:002003-12-03T17:19:12.030-08:00I am dragging a bit today and wondered why and then I realized. It happened when I was down in the office at work a bit ago. I passed Hasmik, my boss, and we were chatting briefly and she said she had not filled my position yet. I was talking to myself, and then the Lord and saying I wished she would fill it already so there is no chance they ask me to stay! Seriously that is highly unlikely Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070422204563027302003-12-02T19:30:00.000-08:002003-12-02T19:51:11.670-08:00This is a letter I sent to Pastor Darrell, Cindy and a couple others today...
Howdy, all!
Just got in from Dallas--in fact I was trying to buy lunch at Burger King at 10 a.m. and they wanted to sell me breakfast; I found it useless to explain I woke up at 4 a.m. in Dallas, 2 a.m. here, and now at 10 it was noon and I wanted lunch! I took what they had ready.
Meanwhile I have to head off to Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070323694235136762003-12-01T16:08:00.000-08:002003-12-01T16:09:07.110-08:00I guess you know you are doing something right when the worst the devil can do to you is spill your Cokes.
Seriously, my life has gone from serious crises to spilled Diet Cokes and as annoying as that is, I take it as a good sign! First it was the spilled Einstein Bros. Bagels large Diet Coke on the floorboard of the rental car. Later tonight it was the large Diet Coke from Sonic all over Aunty Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070206908813274492003-11-30T07:41:00.000-08:002003-11-30T07:47:46.170-08:00I won’t even attempt original blogs, but these are edited excerpts from letters to Terry and they will have to do in this trip!
Friday night:
I had a nice birthday but it didn’t feel much like a birthday most of the day—which for ME is good! I had a terrible time getting to the airport. From the time I left even, I was having a war to get out of town—I lost my debit card and needed it to get Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1070001320886099252003-11-27T22:35:00.000-08:002003-11-27T22:36:08.483-08:00The best Thanksgiving ever. I had a grand time. It is 9:30 p.m. now and I just got home. The festivities continue at the Bruce’s but I can barely stay awake. My day began early, but was worth every second.
I woke up at 4:15 a.m. and could not sleep. I was excited. Then I had that desire to pray I occasionally (far TOO occasionally) get in the middle of the night. So I lay there praying in the Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069906321467539842003-11-26T20:12:00.000-08:002003-11-26T20:12:47.920-08:00Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have not been this excited in years and years. I can’t wait. Tomorrow I am the cook. I had no idea Terry hated cooking—I just thought she was too busy to cook. She is thrilled and totally unstressed since I am coming to help, and that means I get free reign in the kitchen. Last night when I talked to her I asked her what she was doing about bread. She said she Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069883855971558322003-11-26T13:57:00.000-08:002003-11-26T19:12:17.590-08:00I don’t know that I have ever been so high when I was so unsure of my life! I have been high—I have felt the power of God as I am feeling it now, but it seems so weird to be in a place of complete uncertainty about my life. Wow! And I had a fear this morning as I was getting my Diet Coke—in a foam cup—I feared that once I got wherever I was going I would fall from the reality as I did here—of Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069777212684211422003-11-25T08:20:00.000-08:002003-11-25T12:13:41.606-08:00This morning as I prayed something made sense. This is the first time in close to a year that I have not sat there desperate to be somewhere. I know that will sound crazy to people who have read this blog or talked to me, but the fact is, I could be in Minnesota or Manhattan in a month and it hardly makes a difference.
I guess I got all the desperation out of me.
I look at the possibilities I Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069649945882941442003-11-23T20:59:00.000-08:002003-11-23T20:59:47.543-08:00I did something tonight no one would ever believe, but I did it to be sure. Sometimes when your brain returns to your body you have to be sure your spirit is aligned with the real Head. So I threw out the fleece. Truly I don’t think it will affect anything, but I did it. I did just what Monica did. It never hurts to know. But I think sometimes I surprise myself. Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069645453204022062003-11-23T19:44:00.000-08:002003-11-23T20:47:18.530-08:00I love my church so much that I hate to leave it but I hate to stay in Los Angeles. What a situation I am in. Fact is, now that my brain has snapped back,. I remember why came here. It was so easy to see today.
I woke up early and went to worship practice to just be there in the atmosphere. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to see the real Susan was back. Terry BEAMED at me. I glowered at her—okaySusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069603822600134942003-11-23T08:10:00.000-08:002003-11-23T08:11:03.403-08:00I went to San Diego today (my first time), to do a Shachah site survey for our February conference--after yesterday, it turned into quite the spiritual jaunt. Here are excerpts from a letter I wrote Terry when I got home:
I have had a great day—I loved San Diego—it is beautiful, but it is NATURAL beauty past Orange County and into the Oceanside area. I love the undeveloped land and vast ocean.Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069484684709650932003-11-21T23:04:00.000-08:002003-11-21T23:09:53.420-08:00It has been months—I don’t know how many—over three for sure, and that was on the phone. In this year it has been a lifetime—ages and eons on another planet, separate from the world I once called home in my heart, apart from the dreams that carried my spirit on the wings of the day. Then tonight, in an instant, it was there again. I didn’t mean for it to be, didn’t think it could be, but after a Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069393418354414902003-11-20T21:43:00.000-08:002003-11-20T21:44:15.496-08:00What a weird day. Anastasia’s dad would hate me saying my day was weird, but it just was. Anyway, the college called this afternoon informing me I had been chosen as a finalist that they wanted to interview. I wasn’t shocked, but in many ways I was hoping they wouldn't call. I know that sounds ridiculous. But then that would leave me with Clear lake—my sure thing—my old buddy, good church, Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069344799485367192003-11-20T08:13:00.000-08:002003-11-20T08:13:56.310-08:00Early morning at work. I was here at 7 for a meeting with the assistant principal and a parent. I didn’t have to come but I was very concerned about the kid—decided to make the extra effort. Alas! The principal did not even show up. J’ne m’amuse pas!
Anyway, I have had an extra hour to work—lots to do when you are leaving. I woke up much better today than yesterday. I am hoping that if the Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069302533225656502003-11-19T20:28:00.000-08:002003-11-19T20:29:29.186-08:00One moving hurdle mounted. It assures me my new home in Texas will have furniture. Thank God.
I love my Aunt Jiggers.
The apartment hurdles looms. Dennis left a message today. Someone at least filled out an application—that is good because it costs $30 to do that so you don’t unless you are truly interested. But until there is money, it is my white elephant.
I had my lowest day yet today. ISusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069293539388734942003-11-19T17:58:00.000-08:002003-11-19T17:59:34.780-08:00Everyone needs a Bobbin.
Thank God I have one.Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1069124263863966422003-11-17T18:57:00.000-08:002003-11-17T19:03:01.983-08:00Wow—obviously I have not been at my best or I would have written, huh? Truth is I am so discouraged about renting this place and moving that it is blinding me. I got a little light today to hang on to while I wait. It is not about the apartment, and that is the bane of my existence right now, but there comes a time you will take any light offered.
I had an interesting email today. This weekend Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068881198366992922003-11-14T23:26:00.000-08:002003-11-14T23:27:08.000-08:00Assorted thoughts from Friday--excerpted and edited from a letter to Robin:
Word is around the English dept. that I resigned but all is good. They actually seem sorry. No one ever knew how much I hated it. That is good. Hasmik hugged me today and lamented my untimely departure. Whatever. Better to go out with people liking you.
Pastor Dan and Cindy came to dinner tonight. I really had a Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068858762672920122003-11-14T17:12:00.000-08:002003-11-16T18:43:42.106-08:00Today's headline in the LA Times screamed "State Math Scores Leap." Upon further reading we find only 25 percent of 4th graders can do at least proficient math--and that is 6 points below the national average. They credit this ALLEGED "leap" to the new state "standards" in 1998--the very standards that make it impossible to REALLY teach and bind everyone to rituals that worry more about students Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068736418603797312003-11-13T07:13:00.000-08:002003-11-15T17:14:46.090-08:00A few blanks I realized I did not fill in from yesterday: The cryptic email was from Dr. Hayes—it seems yesterday morning his yearbook teacher came in and asked to get out of his contract at Christmas! Meanwhile he already had approval for a half time English teacher. The yearbook part is not yet certain since he has not officially resigned—the English is. He said that if it happens “it’s yours Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068702408377696602003-11-12T21:46:00.000-08:002003-11-13T10:12:03.436-08:00I am eating real New York pizza, chocolate and red licorice. Ooops. Something is up.
A good friend accidentally hurt me (not knowing it, I know, but it still stung) at church and so I left and ate my pain away.
I thank God for Dr. Hayes and the job opportunity. I can’t imagine how I am going to get home with my stuff or how I will afford it after the work junk—but I am ready.
He is my old Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068676412575866642003-11-12T14:33:00.000-08:002003-11-12T14:33:59.030-08:00I have at least a part time job--within a couple weeks I will know if it s full time. By then I will also know about at least one other job.
I told my principal I am leaving.Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068662996245055922003-11-12T10:49:00.000-08:002003-11-12T10:50:41.903-08:00Hope came this morning in the form of an email:
Are you interested in teaching 3 sections of English and 3 sections of
yearbook?
Uh, YEAH!
Maybe he heard me cry myself to sleep last night.Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068610353518415562003-11-11T20:12:00.000-08:002003-11-12T06:54:29.060-08:00I lasted about a day before I wanted to scream again in LA. It is pointless. But I don’t have a job yet. The things I have applied for are serious jobs—the kind where they interview lots of people and makes decisions—stuff that takes a while and is a longshot anyway. But Friday night Pastor Dan and Cindy are coming to dinner. Saturday morning I start packing. I bet I won’t even wash some of the Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068534556378884762003-11-10T23:09:00.000-08:002003-11-11T10:38:29.653-08:00The following is much of a letter I wrote after returning from Pennsylvania last night:
My legs are sore from dancing too much, my brain is fried from a 6 hour flight and my heart is hopeful with new friends and continued purpose. Thus, I conclude my weekend in the Pennsylvania mountains by declaring it another resounding success. The only bad part was coming back to Los Angeles. Not for long, Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068108550012690052003-11-06T00:49:00.000-08:002003-11-06T05:15:58.983-08:00EARLY a.m. And I just got home. No time to really write.. I went out to Dalts after church—like the old days with the theatre crowd. Actually Terry and I have done Dalts a few times in the old days too.
Barry and Erica were back—the Hillsongs people. Erica is like an old friend now—my coffee shop buddy. She lived in Australia and I lived in Tyler. We encountered each other in Tulsa and met over Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068081499216491312003-11-05T17:18:00.000-08:002003-11-05T17:19:33.920-08:00The song that has captured me:
Standing in your glory
Your presence flowing through me
I’m only standing here by Your grace
I turn my heart towards you
As I come and bow before you
I’m here to seek Your face
As You shower over me again
Your Spirit moves me like the mighty wind
As I come before Your throne
I feel Your awesome glory and I’m amazed
By the wonders of Your name
I will give my life Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068074601541275212003-11-05T15:23:00.000-08:002003-11-06T00:49:57.343-08:00I think the latest conflict has been somewhat resolved. Words are very powerful.
Anyway, Dr,. Hayes is still offering me job and I think I might take it. BUT he can’t say if he will have one at midterm or not. Thus, I might have to take another anyway , I think I would still take the college job or the Dallas administrative job if offered, but if he has a midterm job I might just head on down. ISusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068042648843975472003-11-05T06:30:00.000-08:002003-11-05T06:31:05.903-08:00FYI: Within days of giving up my pill, I began sleeping through the night again. Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1068002427223026432003-11-04T19:20:00.000-08:002003-11-05T06:37:05.576-08:00It is almost funny—the newscast is reporting on how the desert areas will freeze tonight, Jack Frost is visiting, they say. Honey, Jack doesn’t visit LA! Jack will be in PA this weekend where the forecast is as low as 17 degrees one day. Now that is cold. As much as I love cold, I also hate to BE cold now, so I am taking my HEAVY coat. Not usual for me.
More disparate thoughts. I don’t think I Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067970695923963922003-11-04T10:31:00.000-08:002003-11-04T10:31:51.750-08:00With the exception of a couple little things I am fully packed for PA! I have never packed so early. I am getting a bit excited about going. I mean, it IS my favorite place in the world and my brain needs the break. One lady—one I really like—at work gave me a real hug when she saw me this morning. She listened sympathetically—years ago someone made a mistake and her whole paycheck was withheld Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067918484439091972003-11-03T20:01:00.000-08:002003-11-03T20:01:39.890-08:00Life got more complicated today. The money thing did not have a very happy ending—and I get to live on $700 LESS than I planned. Not cool. This in the month I have a Shachah trip AND the wedding trip—but it got more complicated than that.
In the middle of the day my cell phone rang. Marshall ISD called to ask me if I could come interview for an English job at the high school. So I made a Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067823820118417072003-11-02T17:43:00.000-08:002003-11-02T20:14:33.530-08:00Figures I would start to feel a part of church now that I have decided to leave! Seriously, it is just getting better at church and I COULD be VERY happy in the church. I could go on and work with dance and do all that was planned and be very fulfilled—two days a week. But can a church you live 20 miles from and go to twice a week make up for the rest of life? I don’t think so. I guess it is a Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067759953238250242003-11-01T23:59:00.000-08:002003-11-02T09:02:29.513-08:00I have to go to bed so I can’t write much! I went to Jenna’s and we ate at this great restaurant. Then we hung out forever. It was a lot of fun. Nice to get out. Gosh! I actually had a social life this weekend. Most of the time I don’t WANT to do anything.
I liked the drive home. I actually like LA at night. It is more normal—fewer cars, beautiful lights. Maybe I feel like I am on a road trip.
Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067725767744232002003-11-01T14:29:00.000-08:002003-11-01T14:29:39.873-08:00One thing I hate about weekends now is that it is down time—you cannot find a job when schools are closed. DRAT! So now I live for Mondays when schools open and jobs post on the teacher sites. Until the break I am in limbo.
I have been thinking almost constantly about my epiphany from last night. I think I need to say it to someone, but WHO is the question. I keep coming back to Darrell. I Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067712614482363532003-11-01T10:50:00.000-08:002003-11-01T10:50:26.140-08:00I am sitting here deciding which bills to put off til I get my money back. I checked the retirement website and one thing better here than Texas is that they issue you a check within three weeks of you issuing then a refund request. Then later if more has been deposited they issue a second check. That won’t help me this month if it goes that far—but unlike Texas it won’t be three months, so that Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067675704709240672003-11-01T00:35:00.000-08:002003-11-01T10:02:02.293-08:00October 31, 2003
I had a wonderful time with Darrell and Terry. Perfect evening. But I will write more about that tomorrow… Tonight was an epiphany,
It was after they left—it came as a result of seeing how my paycheck was messed up. Then I was writing to Robin and I felt that same pain. It was the pain I felt when Darrell and Terry were praying for me. The pain that comes when I pray in the Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067640027381857232003-10-31T14:40:00.000-08:002003-11-01T10:02:38.750-08:00Today I applied for a faculty hiring initiative program at Dallas county community Colleges. There are openings of English professors at 4 campuses. But it is still far from home. TJC wrote me back and said part-timers can teach up to four courses (my college only allows two) so I could conceivably make enough to get by the semester on the two college jobs IF TJC can give me four courses! That isSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067574075695589272003-10-30T20:21:00.000-08:002003-10-30T20:50:12.356-08:00Lonely. So lonely.
I can’t describe it. It used to come with the time change—early darkness. When you live in it anyway, it is harder.
I talked to David tonight and my voice broke up as I said “I just want to go home.”
It isn’t that I don’t believe I could get a job when I get there, but it is the effort involved. I feel a crash coming. I am holding on for dear life and when it comes, I needSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067547935355233452003-10-30T13:05:00.000-08:002003-10-30T13:05:45.140-08:00ALL of the recruiters for the Dallas school district are out of town til next week!
ALL OF THEM! They are out hunting for teachers, and I am trying to get hired and NO ONE can help me.
I would not want to work there permanently, but for a semester I could live. But by next week I have to be making decisions. I told them if I was still looking for a job I would call back. I hope that got my Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067495876348368452003-10-29T22:37:00.000-08:002003-10-30T17:20:57.293-08:00Over two years ago I had moved to Tyler and was experiencing my first identity crisis there and at the church. The week before I stared my job, I remember watching Jan in church with the flags. I remember the song. And I remember crying my eyes out. The next week I went to Tulsa for the Word Explosion to hear John Bevere. Hillsongs was going to be there on their You Are My World tour. I listened Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067481005415277712003-10-29T18:30:00.000-08:002003-10-29T18:30:11.403-08:00THANK GOD! I got a dose of hope today. Nothing so magnificent that it solved everything , but at lets it did not look so totally hopeless either. I was fading last night. Still no word, no news, nothing, but I am at least pursuing some avenues that were closed roads yesterday. I have also had multitudinous calls on the apartment. Two ladies are coming tomorrow evening. One is renting for her Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067407647845621082003-10-28T22:07:00.000-08:002003-10-28T22:07:35.450-08:00Also excerpted from a letter to David:
I went to ballet tonight and all I could think of was moving and being afraid and grieving because I want to be in TYLER and not Dallas even though Dallas is better than here but I feel like I gave away my whole life and I can't stand it.
I got another call on my apt. some guy who wants to see it Thursday and is ready to rent--looks like the lease won't Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067396294022381572003-10-28T18:58:00.000-08:002003-10-28T18:58:20.763-08:00From a letter to David:
I guess I am also discouraged because although I know I can get a job in Texas, it is not looking good for the area where I want to be. I gave up the best and lost it. I feel like I will never be happy again and it is all my own fault.
Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067394663750909862003-10-28T18:31:00.000-08:002003-10-28T18:31:10.843-08:00More updates—in every area but the job! I listed my apartment yesterday and got a call today. That is a good thing even if the manager says not to get my hopes up. They are coming next week from Boston.
I tried to call Dallas ISD but got a voice mail when I was transferred. If he doesn’t call back tomorrow I will call again. I will call and write and do whatever it takes! I dug up email Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067353274959534812003-10-28T07:01:00.000-08:002003-10-28T17:29:21.233-08:00I have now applied at Dallas ISD too—and that seems a safe bet. I am sure I would not like it—BUT I don’t like it NOW. The difference would be hating my job but liking the REST of my life. And it is only a semester and a semester that ends in May—here it ends in June. Thus, it would be the lesser of all evils. The current vacancies available are in the region not far from Shachah—of course that Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067284602125548072003-10-27T11:56:00.000-08:002003-10-27T11:56:47.186-08:00Standstill.
Nothing. Not even negative. Silence. But my heart cries out.
I have calls in with no answers. I have specifically applied for two jobs today and one more on its way.
No longer is it about teaching. When I tell them family necessity, there is no greater truth. This is serious--for reasons I won't blog.
Pastor Jerry emailed today. He was excited about the college hiring me back so Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067215167450153132003-10-26T16:39:00.000-08:002003-10-27T11:48:21.140-08:00I had a definite mixed day today at church. Someone asked me if I was all right and I couldn’t figure out why. I was actually less obviously whacked out than usual! But I got it right away. Anyone who knows me know how I take shocking deaths and I found it immensely hard to be the perky tambourine player when Scott Bauer was dead, and across town at Church on the Way the grief was evident. I justSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067110833645201812003-10-25T12:40:00.000-07:002003-10-25T12:43:04.873-07:00From today's paper... do we really have to make a LAW about this? Life in LA at its best!
Council bans public urination
The Los Angeles City Council, acting on what it described as a common sense quality-of-life issue, voted Friday to make it illegal for people to urinate or defecate in public.
However, enforcement of the measure is contingent on whether there are public facilities available Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067110766304575312003-10-25T12:39:00.000-07:002003-10-25T12:41:17.483-07:00I just wrote David a letter and decided to paste most of it in here:
Well, first I do not have the OFFICIAL word yet because I went to the leasing office and an assistant was there. But he told me what is TYPICAL for the boss to do and then gave me the boss' voice mail so he will call Monday with an official word. BUT what the guy said is USUALLY he asks you to pay for two more month’s rent and Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067102457316501122003-10-25T10:20:00.000-07:002003-10-25T10:21:00.076-07:00This is my only free weekend all month between now and after Thanksgiving, and I am so glad. I need the time this weekend to do some stuff, and then I want to stay busy. During the week, time flies pretty well even though I am not exceptionally busy because I am always wanting to go to bed early—I think this is just all related to not being too happy at work and so I want to crash after work and Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067025531468917972003-10-24T12:58:00.000-07:002003-10-25T09:05:41.450-07:00I really, really don't like my job.
Unfortunately there is only one job open in East Texas and not only is it far from home, but it may be already filled anyway.
My nice neighbors hung their child's witch on a banner outside on our balcony. I want to cry. I want to move NOW. We can celebrate every religion but true Christianity around here and it makes me sick (actually maybe it does!).
In Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1067005911143977252003-10-24T07:31:00.000-07:002003-10-25T09:08:04.873-07:00I am sick of being sick. It seems like right before I moved and ever since I have been here, my normally healthy body has been fighting one thing after another. Almost every day something is physically wrong with me. Today I am experiencing one of the two typical things—I feel so nauseated that I can’t move much. The peak of it will pass soon, and I should be okay, but I can’t sand this. Maybe I Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066962352816145662003-10-23T19:25:00.000-07:002003-10-25T09:12:10.310-07:00I got a new job today. I got a part time job in Texas that I will work here or there. I will be teaching an online English class to college students at the college where I used to work. I wrote an inquiry letter the other night and got a reply saying they would "welcome [me] back with open arms" and offering me any classes I wanted including online for the spring. I accepted instantly. That way Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066914876941288362003-10-23T06:14:00.000-07:002003-10-23T06:14:36.913-07:00As of this morning I have over 25, 000 frequent flyer miles. That is enough for a free ticket home.
That makes me a little freer than I was yesterday. Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066867209183650442003-10-22T17:00:00.000-07:002003-10-22T17:00:09.366-07:00If what I heard at work today is typical Jesus could be a long way from coming back. We all know that the Gospel must be preached to all nations, but I think we forgot our own nation. Today in two of my four classes the subject of Christianity came up. I forget why in the first class—in the second it was because I said I did not believe in celebrating Halloween when they asked. I had kids ask me Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066717265605630372003-10-20T23:21:00.000-07:002003-10-21T06:46:40.336-07:00I am on the plane on my way home.
Rats.
I burst into tears again as I departed Tyler, walking outside to the little plane, seeing the trees in the distance. I mean, the tears freely flow now—the truth is out but at least that makes it easier.
What I find especially interesting about my quest of late is that my two pastors agree with each other but what they say differs from what most everyone Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066675259710671332003-10-20T11:40:00.000-07:002003-10-20T23:23:30.840-07:00My pastor rocks.
I don't have time right now to write about my visit with Pastor Jerry, but it helped a lot. It is a good thing that BEFORE the visit I said all I did about loving and respecting him so much so now it doesn’t just look like I am happy because he said something I liked! Actually what he said surprised me. He even said if he had more time he might try to spread it out but I was Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066655355017145672003-10-20T06:09:00.000-07:002003-10-20T06:09:15.100-07:00This is the day I return to Los Angeles. The thought makes me very sad. But in the true tradition of my recent health, I still feel sick to my stomach so it is appropriate. How I would love to be healthy again!
I just returned from early morning prayer. It was utterly blissful. I don’t believe there is any more peaceful place than the sanctuary of that church at 6 a.m. I almost missed it. As Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066611745904639372003-10-19T18:02:00.000-07:002003-10-19T18:02:26.103-07:00Uh, oh!
That is my reaction to church today. I could not have had a better day if someone had rolled out the red carpet—actually it was better than that because it was like being HOME. Some people did rush to hug me, of course, because they did not know I was coming, but since most did know and since I had been gone less than three months, not years, it was more like joy at seeing each other Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066568678894749802003-10-19T06:04:00.000-07:002003-10-19T18:15:37.970-07:00October 18, 2003
I am home and I always was. I wanted a higher salary and more preaching time. That is a metaphorical one. I know it, I see it—and I am paying for it. The prayer now is simple—God I am coming home as soon as you let me.
Peace, people always say, is the underlying factor for determining the will of God. After almost three months away, two of it literally in depression and Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066455072882138412003-10-17T22:31:00.000-07:002003-10-17T22:35:44.143-07:00It is SO late and I have to get up SO early--for SHACHAH!!! I will write details tomorrow...
Does anyone really want to hear me write at midnight about setting off the house alarm at Bev's a few minutes ago?Or the spilled Diet Cokes all day? A late dinner with Shekinah who did a double take when she saw me? Or how I sobbed when the plane touched down in Dallas and could not hold back tears onceSusannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066388285352159272003-10-17T03:58:00.000-07:002003-10-17T03:58:05.583-07:00My fridge is bare.
No, it is not broken again.
No, I am not broke.
Yes, I have time to shop.
But the grocery workers are on strike, and shopping is a hassle. You almost have to have the mark of the beast.
So my fridge is bare.
Maybe I can eat when I get back from Texas.Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066364363455461172003-10-16T21:19:00.000-07:002003-10-16T21:19:23.420-07:00I love when Joe Torre smiles.
Every time the Yankees pul it off he smiles like a proud papa.
Eleven innings.
Daddy's proud.
That's my team.
Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5111618.post-1066361647411272072003-10-16T20:34:00.000-07:002003-10-16T20:34:07.220-07:00The doctor says this is my first migraine.
It had better be my LAST. This is so not cool!!!
She thinks it is the pill I am on. So she switched me BACK to the first one. And THEN I had to find a pharmacy because my pharmacy is Sav-On and that is part of Albertson’s which is on strike. GRRRRRRRR. Two pharmacies later I found one for my pill prescription—had to have a whole new one due to the Susannoreply@blogger.com