Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have not been this excited in years and years. I can’t wait. Tomorrow I am the cook. I had no idea Terry hated cooking—I just thought she was too busy to cook. She is thrilled and totally unstressed since I am coming to help, and that means I get free reign in the kitchen. Last night when I talked to her I asked her what she was doing about bread. She said she figured she would buy some rolls. I asked her if she meant those gross grocery store rolls. She did. So I said if she didn’t mind I would like to bake bread from scratch. Although we were on the phone I think I saw the look of disgust! It is hysterical! So I get to cook a large part of a huge Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy as a bunch of people eat it. I totally cannot wait,. My car and apartment are filled with flour and yeast and pumpkin and spinach. I have recipes galore and will get up earlier tomorrow than in a work day. Before most people get up, Terry and I will be in the kitchen. She is my assistant—she and I both love that idea.

All lightheartedness side, I am sure that the fact that I am so wanted is helping me love this holiday. I don’t think ever in my entire LIFE have I been wanted on a major holiday. I have been INVITED. I have been TOLERATED. I have even been ACCEPTED. But I have never been WANTED. I was beaming through the grocery store. Every ingredient I bought meant I would be a part of making Thanksgiving better. I am so excited. I probably won’t be able to sleep late anyway, just like a kid excited about Christmas. I wish it were always Thanksgiving. I really think I will fly out next year—just for the day—just to be wanted. I cannot tell you what that does in my heart. No one could understand unless you haven’t been for most of your life. Major wow!

Darrell replied to an email I sent to his home address today. I jokingly called it “Your Long Awaited Letter” and the wrote a short hello and that was it. He joked back that he saw that and thought he “was going to have to get another cup of coffee and sit there awhile.”

I told him that is why love him—because he WOULD get another cup of coffee and sit there awhile.

I still have no clue what my future holds. Tomorrow is my most thankful Thanksgiving. Friday is my 34th birthday. Saturday I will send the day with Robin and have a wonderful time—and I expect a very spiritual and productive time. Sunday I am thinking of trying to go to church in Tyler. Honestly I just cannot imagine NOT being in church this weekend, but I don’t know if I can make it as far as timing—maybe I can find another place to go for worship at least. Then there is the wedding Sunday evening which will run late. Monday is my interview. Tuesday I fly home. But I don’t really know anything else.

School is better. It helps that I can see the end of the road—but now that I am doing so much better, I am more fun and the kids and I are having a better time. I still hate CA teaching procedures and can’t imagine teaching in a secondary school in CA. If I were to ever live here and work it would have to be in a college or private school or something. But at least the last few weeks will be nice. I felt terrible today when I was telling the kids they needed to have their portfolios in order and stuff (great thing to do on a dead day before holiday). I said one reason would be if they were to have to switch classes at semester then their portfolio would follow them. One of my favorites, Sara, said “I don’t want to be in another class.” UGH! There are not that many who will be really upset I am leaving but it will still be hard for the few who are. Sara, Adena, Armine, Araksya, even Danny. Sweet Artin, Omar, and some others in 5th and 6th period might too. That will be a bit hard. My educational assistant—an older Hispanic lady, is very sad I am leaving. She has been in the district over 20 years. She told me that she told her husband I am her favorite. She said that I am “different” than the other teachers and that God shines through me and “He has used you.” I was very touched. Again I say it is an amazing thing that I thought I was spiritually USELESS and yet you can see it in someone I guess. I don’t know because I just live my life and don’t think I do it exceptionally well much of the time. But I hear this all the time—about being happy and stuff. Sunday Terry was saying something nice to me and she could tell that the thing she was saying I didn’t believe. I WANT to believe it, but I have no concept. I am not used to being well liked or wanted or any of those things and so I can’t just easily accept that. It is a weird phenomena.

Anyway, I had a heck of a trip to the grocery store. Adding to the hassle was that I had to get to the post office to mail something in today’s mail. I left my checkbook at home (I didn't realize it—it was stuck inside my tambourine from Sunday!) so I could not go right to the store after work as planned. I called Terry on my way home to see if she had some ingredients and then set out for my local Ralph’s—this time at 4 p.m. But like last night at 6, there was not a free space in the whole parking lot. So I gave up—that tells you what it is like inside! I circled the huge block, down Colorado Blvd, to Fair Oaks and to my local Vons by the PO—then realized I had forgotten the third page of my form and had to come home and get it and go back again! Then I had to find parking—this is a whole SHOPPING CENTER and it had no spaces either. The strikers are still out picketing, but no one cares because we need to eat—and then the Teamsters announced they would stop making deliveries so people are rushing to buy what they can, I suppose. It is insane! Finally I found a space, mailed my letter and walked over to the grocery store. That took a long time but was not too crowded considering the parking lot. In fact, check out was fine. I decided that I was okay as long as they actually HAD everything I needed—they did.

At first I was unhappy there was not church tonight but now I realize I would have gone nuts—though I would have still attended. I am doing the second load of laundry now. I have to pack for Friday and book my parking as well. I am waiting, hoping my paycheck will post early because of the holiday. I have to organize everything. I realized I have nothing appropriate to wear to the very formal wedding. I have no time to shop. I mean I am just unprepared right now. Then I have to do lesson plans for Monday and Tuesday. GASP! My apartment is a mass of boxes. When I return I will have less than a week to move. I will go to Belma’s guesthouse but then who knows? I am scheduled to be at Robin’s—but where will I really end up?

I guess Clear Lake is still an option—I will know after Thanksgiving if it is full time. I have made a solid connection with the church down there. I have been in touch with the dance leader (one of them who works with one part of the group). This s the teams that uses Shachah stuff and is so excited I am part of that ministry, too. So I know that could be good—I love everything I hear so far.

I cancelled my interview in Marshall and the human resources person wrote me back asking to still interview me whenever possible because she was very interested in me with my “years of experience and master’s in English.” I wrote back and told her I would try to contact her when I was in the area (never burn a bridge) and she said that was great and she was looking forward to hearing from me. That sounds like a pretty sure thing too. I mailed another thing off this morning before work—a very surprising application—a highly unlikely one, but still rather surprising. But I still know ZILCH. And I still love it.

I brought the CD out of my car that I can’t stop listening to. It has been days with no break. Saturday on my way back from San Diego I put the song on “repeat” and have not taken it off! I decided it is finally time to try that dance I have been seeing in my head—I will do that in the morning.

Tomorrow is truly a day of Thanksgiving.