October 31, 2003

I had a wonderful time with Darrell and Terry. Perfect evening. But I will write more about that tomorrow… Tonight was an epiphany,

It was after they left—it came as a result of seeing how my paycheck was messed up. Then I was writing to Robin and I felt that same pain. It was the pain I felt when Darrell and Terry were praying for me. The pain that comes when I pray in the mornings. But I could not exactly pinpoint it—until tonight.

I suddenly realized WHY it aches so bad and what it means. But I can’t even say it. Right now—maybe forever—it is between me and God. I feel some relief in finally knowing why it feels that way. I feel better understanding why whenever I get in times of intense worship I can’t stop crying. I have understanding now. I know why.

And boy is it ugly. Probably it is the ugliest thing ever.

Today it rained for the first time since I moved here. It rained all night. It sounded so beautiful. It was cold today too. It felt like home. I even got a pleasant surprise when I went to cross the picket line and get the last minute things for dinner—no picketers and a full parking lot. The strike is not over but they pulled picketers off one grocery chain—my favorite.

Then we had this great dinner and wonderful fellowship.

Then I checked my bank statement—wrote Robin, and had the really awful epiphany. And now I know WHAT it is. But I don’t know how you get rid of something like that.

I am going to bed with a book that I can live in for a while. Tomorrow I find boxes and begin packing. On Dec. 5, I leave here. I will go to Belma’s for two weeks, then Tyler. The question remains whether I am going home for Christmas or to go home. I don’t know yet. I have no answers. All I know is I am moving out of my apartment on Dec. 5. If I come back I will live in a hotel where I have no commitment.

Commitment can get you in trouble.