It is almost funny—the newscast is reporting on how the desert areas will freeze tonight, Jack Frost is visiting, they say. Honey, Jack doesn’t visit LA! Jack will be in PA this weekend where the forecast is as low as 17 degrees one day. Now that is cold. As much as I love cold, I also hate to BE cold now, so I am taking my HEAVY coat. Not usual for me.

More disparate thoughts. I don’t think I am returning to Tyler. If they offer me the Dallas or college job I will accept instantly. But the fact is I am thinking of calling Dr. Hayes for a job. I actually dialed the school number tonight but it was too late and they were gone. (Sweet man, he has already found me a church and sent me the website so I could check it out--they have "dance praise" he informed me--I love him. He is such a good friend--a MAN definitely, but a great and loving and faithful friend. Maybe that is the best place for me.) I am not sure it ever works to go back home. I pounced on it because it came from the mouth of my hero—Pastor Jerry. But it is not that simple. I might just take a break and go to a city in Texas and focus on my career. I will visit Tyler occasionally, weekends away—visit the old church—I am not a big church person believe it or not. I am a big GOD person but that is different. I have two great churches in my world and I am NOT about to hunt for number 3. It is NOT happening. Period. I utterly refuse the idea, let alone the act. So I will visit TM and NHFA and maybe even mail my tithes between the two. But I am done searching and scrambling. I am tired. Truth is, if I liked and could tolerate my job all year, I would stay here in a hotel and do just fine thank you. I have grown used to LA after this time. I don’t LIKE it, but I am used to it. I know to allow two hours to drive to Orange County after work. I know to avoid this freeway or that getting to work will slow before Glendale Avenue. I know people will flip me off if I don’t turn the way they like. I am used to it now. My sensibilities are no longer shocked.

How sad.

But there ain’t no way in Texas I am starting over again. I will either go to a familiar city (Dallas) or a familiar boss (the Doc) or a familiar campus (NTCC) and make that my life but that is all I can handle. My wake up call came today with email from a friend in Tyler that is taking out her overwhelmed feelings about life on me and doesn’t see the damage she is doing. I know she doesn’t mean it but it is very hard right now to hear someone’s complaint when they are surrounded by love and support and I am trying to figure out where to LIVE and find a job that doesn’t send me to tears at times.

Somehow I think Tyler might be romanticizing the dreams some more.

And one thing I have realized is that romance is not real life.