I won’t even attempt original blogs, but these are edited excerpts from letters to Terry and they will have to do in this trip!

Friday night:

I had a nice birthday but it didn’t feel much like a birthday most of the day—which for ME is good! I had a terrible time getting to the airport. From the time I left even, I was having a war to get out of town—I lost my debit card and needed it to get cash to go and then I went to the bank and back home—back and forth—searching—the coming up with a back up plan in came I HAD lost it. It was frustrating but I really did not let it get to me. I was too annoyed at the devil and just prayed. Then I found it—after a long time and a lot of effort. So I went to the bank, then I had to buy something to get ones for tipping. Meanwhile I took the wrong exit off the 110—I am never looking when you take me to the airport—I went one too early—but I figured I would follow the surface street. I easily found my way to the 405 to get to my parking lot where I had booked a reservation—and prepaid a day. So I saw my exit off the 405 but construction kept me from getting to it. I turned down La Cienega but it twists right there and I ended up in Culver City!

I finally found my way to the parking area, so thankful I had left so early! It was full. I drove up SEVEN parking levels despite the full sign because I had “guaranteed” my reservation. Eventually I found a person and basically said, "find me a place; I already paid and I have a flight to catch." And the guy was nice and moved a valet car for me but even that involved some chaos. So then I got my shuttle to LAX and did curbside check in—then the TSA was SO SLOW I could not believe it. I think they were playing up the shortage because it was crazy! But I got through and then the lines went quickly. But I seriously thought I was going to miss my plane for a while there. In the midst of it I was worrying about what would do. I finally told myself to calm down—if I missed it I would get on the next one and something would work out. And I made myself stay focused in the right place—back on God. I am still having some intense times with Him and wasn’t ready to sacrifice whatever is happening spiritually for that frustration. But boy was I happy to sit down on my plane! The flight was uneventful—2 ½ hours seems short after the six hour flights earlier this month! I woke up extra early again but not at 4:15! I keep waking up, thinking of God and exploding into prayer. How I wish this could last forever!

Anyway we arrived on time to Dallas and I was happy to see the old stomping ground but I did not cry with joy like last time. I do love Texas but like I said, I can stay in LA. I have peace either place. You really pinpointed it last night with the comment that I had a peace that passed understanding. It was so NATURAL to me that I did not think of it as supernatural—which I guess is what makes it so much more so!

Anyway, Karen met me at the airport and we had a GREAT time. We went to my hotel first to check in. It is a nice place—for next to nothing. Very formal and elegant, right in the heart of North Dallas. Then we went clothes shopping but I couldn’t find anything for sure. I found one thing that was gorgeous but more than wanted to spend, so I looked in a few places with her and decided I would think about it and come back. Then we went to one of my favorite Italian places and Karen took me to dinner for my birthday—and had a lovely card—it was great. We had a wonderful time together,. Then she took me to get my rental car. Obviously I have never rented a car here before because this is home. It was so neat—they have a huge rental car center with its own lobby and snack kiosks, like a terminal—so tomorrow I will turn in this car and walk across the lobby to the other counter. Dallas has to be one of the asst and best cities to fly into and stay. It is easy and affordable—so that part is nice!

Anyway I got my car and came back here to the hotel—after driving down the street to the mini market that has 44 ounce Diet Cokes in foam cups. I am down the street from the hotel I usually stay in when I come to Dallas so I know the neighborhood—except where Einstein Brothers Bagels is; that is what I want for breakfast.

So those are the facts—now here is the HEART. I had a neat image late last night as I prayed. I had mentioned previously that what I feel like is that God has this big canvas and He is free to paint it how He wants. So I was talking about that as I prayed and I said it was going to be interesting to see which background it has—Mountains? Piney woods of East Texas? Gulf of Mexico? But then I realized something else: no matter what the background the person in the painting will look the same. And it was a visual of my epiphany. I am the same person no matter where I am—if I can surrender to God and His ways. I should not change no mater where I go.

That seemed to spark some more of my thoughts today on the plane and drive. I was thinking about what Terry said about how I had opened myself up to prayer. The way she said it was not how I saw it—but I realized she was right because once I opened myself to praying with you that opened me up to God and it became both about people AND about Him—I was seeing more the people side, but who have I been chasing for over a week? HIM. And then I thought about what I previously blogged about regarding Terry’s attitude toward prayer. I agree with that attitude. I SHARE that attitude. So I started wondering of that meant I should LIVE with that attitude… that is a tough one and the current challenge I am facing. I talked to the Lord about this today. If that is how I feel and if prayer is so important to me, then shouldn’t I do something about it? I even likened it to how I approach holidays. I hate holidays so I got proactive. Before people can reject ME, I formulate a plan—I travel or arrange something so that I am not left alone. I was controlled one too many times by the pain of holidays so I took control. It has helped.

So I started thinking—can I commit to being an aggressive proactive pray-er? Do I have the dedication in me to be ready in season and out (or even the capability) and do the same thing that I believe in so much and be the one who says “let’s pray—let’s thank God” etc.? Can I do it? It is a serious question I asked myself and God. It almost seems like I am a victim of my own desires. This is the absolute most life changing thing in my Christian life and redemption and yet I only have it when I wait around for other to bring it. That suddenly seemed more dangerous than being alone on Christmas.

Anyway, I have not absolutely answered that yet, but I think I already know deep down. And I put it right into practice with Karen. It felt so good and right when we got my car I walked back out to hers to get my stuff and she was opening my door and handing it to me and I said, without missing a beat, “Wait,. Lets’ get in and pray a bit first.” Easy. No fear. And it was the perfect way to end—leave it all with God.

Other Christians are willing to. You don’t usually have to ask twice. But the thing I guess is so hard is 1) I am sometimes uncomfortable praying because I get out of “public” practice even if I pray well privately And 2) because it is so tender and special to me, rejection in prayer is about as much as you can get to me. To avoid rejection in anything the answer is to not seek out what you fear rejection FROM.

I am at a point right now where I don’t even have to force myself. Right now it is so EASY because it is all that is in me. I sat on the plane and turned my Walkman on—an old Hillsongs tape, but in a minute I was whispering right there, praying because I can’t contain it when I am this way. Then I was sitting there reading my little Bible. That is all I want—God God God. I got it BAD right now—and want it to stay that way! But all this has me thinking more about prayer and asking that question—if I believe SO much why am I not acting more? I mean I want to start about three prayer groups and join about three others. No kidding. I will go out to pray when I will stay in because I am too tried to visit even. And I am trying desperately to keep myself open.

I told Karen I didn’t know where I was going either and how God had turned everything around and I could even stay in LA and didn’t hate it anymore. She didn’t know how bad it got. But now that I am out of that I can start to share how bad it was. When I say it is a MIRACLE how I feel about my life now and where I am going to be and everything else, that is no exaggeration. It is a MIRACLE that I could live in LA and be happy. It is a true work of the Lord that could not have been done by any human. It is supernatural and beyond any reasonable explanation. I think you see that—Robin will. Most people will have no clue. I admitted to hating it but I covered the extent of how much to most people. But I am starting to love again. Believe it or not if I stayed I would move right in to the Valley—maybe even in North Hollywood itself—I was too far removed. Yeah, this is a miracle and I know it—maybe a bit more every day. And today I found myself saying something I have not said in a long time” I like my life—I am happy.” I really am.

My greatest interest NOW is in cultivating what is in me—in doing what is necessary to keep that spiritual growth happening, to stay connected with other believers, to continue in the way I have been given grace to walk in again and not slip and feel rejected.

And I will ask myself again if believe this prayer things as much as I do—isn’t it time to take action? Do I dare? Am I to scared of rejection? But if it is my heart—how am I hurting myself if I DON’T live in it. Is there power there and does it work in reverse? A lot of questions.

Who knew one simple prayer in the middle of a night of packing could snowball into what it has? I find that more amazing than almost anything!

I just want to be with God—wherever I am—in as many ways as possible;. There is a new facet to Him in each unique way I approach Him it seems. I love that. And I want more. I want to explode the Word into my life!

Saturday morning:

I went out this morning and got my favorite bagel with cream cheese. I also bought a baggy pair of jeans. I wanted loose jeans but I hate buying things too big because then I feel even fatter than I am! But there is a Wal Mart right next to the hotel and they were $10. But you know the funniest thing of ALL about the jeans I bought? THEY ARE WRANGLERS! I swore I would never wear a pair. Now don’t panic—they do not have that gross W on the butt—in fact there is no sign that they are any name at all—They are totally plain—but really loose in the legs and butt—jeans I can dance in! But isn’t that FUNNY!

So I did all that and then drove to the airport for a new rental car. Want to know what is hysterical? Of all the cars in the world to rent when I got to the new counter they gave me—in a different company—the EXACT same car down to the color, model and interior. It was hysterical. I had just gotten used to the first car—and I brought my CD with my new dance song on it that affects me so much and was hoping I would have a CD player—so I got used to one and went to the other! It was too funny! I do love it here. If I have to be in a big city, Dallas is it. It is just plain NICE—spread out, neat, pretty and friendly. It is a very large city but you don’t drown. But none of my current options include Dallas anyway, so this is a visiting place.

Saturday night:

Robin just left the hotel on her way back to Quitman. WOW! What a time we had. I believe God already did something. I was finally able to express all the awful icky stuff that was so powerful in me and we didn’t talk much about it but just prayed—I mean, PRAYED! I was completely open to her and the Holy Spirit—there was no resistance in me and the power in this room was awesome. She said a couple things that really gave me some insight. The other night when Terry and I were talking and I said I was not sure how I could have gone a different way because it felt like it had just happened as it did and I was not sure WHAT I did that crossed the line? Well, I know for sure now I know and the fact is, the way I was going I had it doomed from the start. I have learned an even greater lesson than I thought.

For my birthday, Robin gave me a beautiful delicate bracelet with tiny hearts all around it “to remind you of how much I love you,” she said. I got two pieces of delicate jewelry for my birthday. Wow! And both are so meaningful now with God and what He is doing. I have a lot of individual praying to do now. I will have some time before bed tonight and tomorrow since I will not be in a church. I feel bad about that but it is hard to do the church and the wedding unless I go to some place here and run in and worship and then out, you know. I would have to say that any church service tomorrow would pale in comparison to tonight—I think I will let God just gel it some more before I check out and get in my whirlwind of the next couple days.

I have been praying like crazy all night. I even had to say the meal prayer! Then when it was about to get serious and I was trying to share and struggling I suggested we pray before we began and I had to do that—I mean, you would think I have nothing left today, but instead I could probably pray for people all night.

It was refreshing to have someone lay hands on me—I love that power even though I don’t totally understand it—and, believe it or not , I do not reach out for ministry often even when I need it and when I do it is usually very mild and I probably seem unapproachable. But sometimes when I know that it is serious and intense I want that but harder than offering to pray for people is ASKING for prayer—especially for something as serious as laying on of hands. I am SO sensitive to touch that I imagine that means it will also work in a reverse way and really affect me when it is straight from the Holy Spirit. And I did sense a breaking. Still more processing to do, but there is a definite forward move.

One very good thing is that I have had such opportunities spiritually to really milk this latest breakthrough and let it grow—that makes it more solid. I believe I am in a time of grace and waiting. though , and I will grow. I am still probably a week away at LEAST from knowing where I am headed. I am not kidding when I say that I wish I could hang out longer in limbo—it is nice to be so free!

Anyway, if I went home tomorrow this weekend would be worth penny and hassle for this one day. I praise God for His incredible mercy and faithfulness. I know that everything is about to change again. I truly have no real clue what is next—only a myriad of possibilities. And the phone could ring Monday with new possibilities I did not envision. You know what I think? I think when I hear it I will know it. This has never happened to me before. But I think I will know when I need to know—the time will come and I will know and it will be EASY. I don’t mean without problems, but it will be easy. It will be God.

Guess what? I don’t think I was stupid to come to LA anymore. A counselor at work that I have actually confided in about my job frustrations told me she admired me for coming out here and trying. She said she had to “be dragged kicking and screaming” but she admires that I tried. That amazed me—and encouraged me. I did try. I didn’t do it well. I failed and I could have done better because now I see why I failed so badly and if I had handled it different it would have been different—it was my own sin. I still can’t answer if I did or didn’t miss God. I am not sure it was an issue. I am not sure that it would have been wrong to stay or to go—in some ways I think STAYING would have been worse. Tyler was a place to grow and heal but I am not sure it was my forever place but it might have been easy to make it that way. What I have learned in LA is a lifetime lesson. Wherever I use that I will be better for it.

So the you have it—more work from a faithful God and hope for whatever the future brings. And all the things I saw as traumatizing I now see as hopeful. The very things that seemed like they might take months and years to recover from, some of them are gone already and others are fading quickly. If I leave LA in a month I will leave better than I arrived. I already am, but by then it will all be taken care of –healed, repented of and confessed. Suddenly all my dumb pride I CLUNG to when I got here is so irrelevant—I WANT To break it down and confess the ugly truth because it HEALS. I love healing. I love the word. I love the hope.

One day I may dance in white again.

Well, now the work begins. Although I am a wedding guest I have a lot of work to do as far as driving and helping wherever they need it. They won’t have that many people who are not involved in it that can assist so I am on standby, and so is my car! Then Monday I go to the college for that interview—it will be an hour of several people asking me tough questions I expect to do well even if I am not as qualified for the job. I don’t necessarily have to get hired, But I want to leave them impressed with me even if I am not the ideal candidate—one day I would like to do that full time and if I do well this time they WILL remember. This is the job I am not even sure I want because spiritually it is the one that leaves me not even sure where I would find a church.

I am very drawn to the church in Houston and the whole dance ministry and yet even though that is the “sure thing” job, it seems more unlikely at times. But I am playing guessing games. I would not be upset to see something open up in Dallas. It is such a nice city—it has everything to offer but fewer of the big city issues. So much hope—in every direction so much hope.

And tonight was so easy and so free. And no walls to support while trying to support myself. What immense freedom.

But that makes sense.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.