I went to San Diego today (my first time), to do a Shachah site survey for our February conference--after yesterday, it turned into quite the spiritual jaunt. Here are excerpts from a letter I wrote Terry when I got home:


I have had a great day—I loved San Diego—it is beautiful, but it is NATURAL beauty past Orange County and into the Oceanside area. I love the undeveloped land and vast ocean. At the first hotel I was already ruling it out when I met the sales manager—a lady from England who was so charming. No one knew what Shachah was so I explained it. I always try to get it to a basic concept for people unfamiliar with this type of ministry. I say, : “some people go to church and sing a hymn, and we might dance a hymn” She was really interested. She said she was Catholic growing up and it was “miserable” and “of course I don’t go to church now.” Of course, like it is not even a question, you know. I told her this was so UN-boring… I wished we would have the conference there just so she could see. I don’t think we WILL because it was not really the best neighborhood. But I was interested in my own reactions to this woman and seeing my heart actually have some life back in it.

The next hotel was uneventful, nice place. Then I was way early for the third—a Hilton in the Torrey Pines section by UCSD… apparently a famous golf course, etc. GORGEOUS area. I knew I had a solid appt. there and could not go early so I went to the ocean. There was no charge to park (-: I picked up rocks and ran my fingers through the sand and remembered the simple stuff.

On my way down this morning I prayed a lot... So anyway I loved being down by the ocean... very few people—reminded me of Pismo Beach last March when I was so affected emotionally and spiritually. Of course so much has happened SINCE March, you know…

I finally went back to the hotel (they charged for parking but the events person signed it off for me ). I parked underground and was still a few minutes early and knew it was a bit too early to go up.

On my way this morning as I was praying and just listening to a CD I love (all in all, I listened to this whole CD for 5 hours in the car today and I am not tried of it!)—the one with the song that I keep seeing a dance to even when I am dry inside—I mean it is the most passionate dance that I am shocked it comes out of me.... I keep wishing it would go AWAY because now I will unlikely ever get to dance it but the picture STAYS in me. And then suddenly I said “I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in this car.” Now that might SOUND like a no brainer but even when I dance in church—it doesn’t happen—When I do dance it has been more like a hope that the act of dancing will soften me and bring that—occasionally it starts a wee bit but I have never had it since I have been here. I felt like ME today—I was expressing surprise that last night one prayer could so easily bring that life out of me. But you know what? It has before, after other dry spells—but also I know it does leave. It is very hard to sustain all this alone. And just going to church doesn’t do it. What changed my life and set me on the right path was when Robin and I began praying together—our closeness as friends became a spiritual closeness, too, and I attribute that more than anything to the change in me—it gave me a security in a spiritual and emotional sense like nothing else in my life. That is why it is so hard and so wonderful at the same time… I am jumping around but let me return to this in a minute...

So I am feeling the Holy Spirit today and I am doing all this and after the beach pulled into that underground lot and was basically alone. I locked my car, put the seat back and gave into what was filling me and prayed—not forever, but out of my heart—in the Spirit until I got it out—don’t know what IT was, just that something was coming to the surface. The I went through that hotel (which was BEAUTIFUL).

I had a wonderful day singing (croaking it out but at least feeling better [from my cold]) and praying and seeing beauty. I was wondering if I might actually go to church tomorrow and feel FREE to worship and be alive… what a concept. That is what I came here for, but it never happened.

Now back to all the bubbling over stuff and the prayer stuff. I know some people can pray by rote—I suppose in a crowd I can too, but why it was so hard is because one on one I can’t—it has to be real. It is one place I cannot pretend a bit and that means to pray with someone I have to be soft and let the walls down at least some. That is why I wanted to hit you too!

All my life I wanted attention and would do all those awful things to get it because attention would get me closeness(in my way of thinking)? That is what changed with Robin. When we prayed it brought us together to God and that closeness with another person is far greater than negative closeness over attention getting stuff. And that is when I realized that I could have closeness and intimacy with people in a POSITIVE way and spiritual way and maybe actually start growing up. That is what prayer did for me. It released me from that pit of needing negative attention because it might make someone love me ...that spiritual connection replaced an emotional one for me. When I lose that prayer, I lose [part of] myself... I LOVE prayer meetings. But that one on one thing is what almost gives me a second chance where I lost it—it is a God Thing I can’t explain but it drives me to HIM. When Robin and I first started praying and I saw what was happening it did not make me love HER more, but God more. It drove me to Him more alone and more with praying for others. At first you couldn't STOP me from praying for everyone around me. I think people thought I was obnoxious. But then if I didn’t have it, I had less to give.

So I got used to being without it and even stopped THINKING about it. I really did –for the first time in YEARS I stopped wishing for prayer partners and stuff. Until last night! So now I am trying to figure out what to DO with this… I still think I should shut it off again because who would I pray with? That kind of prayer has to come out of relationship—and relationship takes time. That is something I am lacking—even if I find a dance group and we pray it won’t be the same thing. Maybe it sounds stupid—but six years ago when this started I believed that was the way God Himself was filing the HUMAN hole in me [as a kid] with a spiritual answer that still involved a human. I don’t have a clue if that really makes SENSE or sounds crazy... .

So I have been riding on hope of going home, but now I think of this and wonder if going home can be all that perfect either if I am still lacking the thing so instrumental in my life. It is an interesting thought.

See, I told you it was a can of worms. But even though this is one miniature example, it is also a very good one. Look at what happened—simple prayer (well, maybe not for me, but the prayer itself was) and look at me all day today. I wasn’t focused on TERRY, but on GOD. That is what happens to me, but again it is something involving other people so I can’t depend on it. Of COURSE I need to go to God on my own—that part is NOT an issue. I guess the point with that is that it is hard sometimes to keep that passion all alone when there is not that other person spark from time to time.

I cry when I read the letter you sent in response to my blog last night. I know you are right—I used to fight like crazy in prayer. I prayed last night like I barely could talk but the truth was it was more the confidence level because as soon as I opened my mouth, had I had confidence and not been afraid I could have prayed with more power and might than YOU even know I have in me—but deep down I have been a warrior and wonder if I still could be. I have never prayed like that around you. But I have that in me. I used to. But talk about exposing yourself....

Robin keeps reminding me of all I have been taught of the “deposit” within me. I didn’t even buy into it Wednesday when we talked, but now I remember. That is why if someone needed me now I could pray three devils out of him or her....

Full heart, huh? Next week, of course, I am going to talk to Robin about this THING in me that has haunted me and hurt so much—I have better hope for it now. I guess it just worked out to talk to her easier—that is okay, I just needed someone and that was what worked. I knew it had to be her or one or both of you—no one else would even GET it.

Okay enough—I did find a Fazolis (-: I only had an address but I knew it had to be on a major street—I found it only going two blocks out of my way—and there was no exit off the freeway, but I go by instinct! I get excited when I do that. I thought about going to Mexico too. I didn’t really want to for any reason other than I am a US citizen and now I can just GO. People don’t know what that means—and I want to use it—but I decided I could go another time. So I just got my Fazolis to go and have good old Fazolis in my fridge. A full stomach and a full heart.

What’s next?

You commented on the last line of my blog when I said “Please don’t pinch me; I don’t want to wake up.” I mean that it is only this good in a dream,. It doesn’t work in reality—not for long. Sometimes I think there has to be an answer. What I want and need is so simple, so easy, but so complicated. Look at it—it destroyed me and Sue. Yet I don’t get it because it is SO SIMPLE. There must be an answer.