I don’t know that I have ever been so high when I was so unsure of my life! I have been high—I have felt the power of God as I am feeling it now, but it seems so weird to be in a place of complete uncertainty about my life. Wow! And I had a fear this morning as I was getting my Diet Coke—in a foam cup—I feared that once I got wherever I was going I would fall from the reality as I did here—of course I am operating in enough power right now that I could rebuke that fear and pray, but it still lingers. You don’t vanish 3 ½ months of depression in a minute… so I guess some work has to be done, but the difference is that it CAN be…

I AM so happy I could burst. I am gushing and oozing and I don’t even know what to DO with it. In fact I prayed this morning that God would give me some outlet beyond myself for this—right now I am WIDE open. I mean I would be receptive to ANYTHING the Lord said or did.

This is a place I have been before. It is HARD for me to get here. Very. My trust level is so low even with those I DO trust. So what happens is that I get really open and before anything lasting happens most of the time, I close right up.

So I am asking God to do something now that will solidify what He is doing that might keep me open. EVERY time this happens I PRAY I can stay open-- I don’t mean always happy and perfect and high but OPEN so God can move, but I can’t hold on to it because I also have to hold on to protecting myself.

When I visited in March and all this stuff happened this is how I was. That is why everyone thought I fell in love when I got back. I thought it was enough to sustain me.

This morning I was reading the Word and I was tired and since I read the Psalms every day it was not even getting into me, so I made myself read aloud. Oh my goodness. It was amazing what happened—I mean I FELT the power of God so strongly and the I was reading more and kept reading other Psalms and would go from reading to praying in the Spirit to reading—it was amazing—truly an awesome God experience.

I think in some ways it is EASIER now to be this way NOT knowing my future—it is like I get a God time without worry but I want something to happen in this time that will last in the new job—wherever that may be.

Right now it is hard to be at work—not because I hate it but because I know what is IN me and I want to do something with it. I want a sick person to lay hands on or I want to minister to someone or somehow USE what is in me instead of sit here and do nothing—I KNOW there is a lot in me spiritually—

Anyway, just some more thoughts from my bursting spiritual life right now… I want to be at a prayer meeting right now—seriously. I just HATE having so much in me ALONE. I want to share it—to know that power beyond just me and God. I just want God. I do. In fact I think my 3 ½ month pit makes it more clear as I rise. Being without that presence is the most awful place and want to stay in it whatever that means…

The difference between me and someone like Terry, Robin or anyone I admire, but tease about being a sap, is that in many ways I share their hearts, but I can’t sustain it because I don’t have enough safety to protect it. BUT notice my best friends I this world are gushers and saps? That is me inside.

I want so badly a chance to live as I am, as God created me to be—to be free emotionally in the right way and spiritually in a way that I know is in me. Someday I want to love and not worry that I have to protect my own heart in the process. We all need human love but all my is secondary. I have never known how to reconcile that.

Everyone tells me to get married—that is my only way to get what I want. Now what I WANT is spiritual commitment more than physical love so I don’t know, but the thing is I am WILLING to get married but have not met anyone yet who was even CLOSE to being that. Honestly many people my age who are single are usually a mess—I want a spiritual LEADER. I am strong and I need someone stronger. I want a pray-er, a worshipper—a man who doesn’t compromise—who doesn’t think “mild” swear words are okay “in our culture”. No Cultural Christians need apply! I am not concerned with jobs or looks or money—I want a man of God and if I can’t have one—isn’t it BETTER to be alone? So I don’t know—People have opinions about everything. I want to live in the power of God, free and one—I don’t care how that happens. God is God, not me. We can all see that if it were up to me I would mess it up.

I want Him—and I want to hold on and be free—is it possible on this earth?

I can still dance! That probably sounds stupid, but I was sitting here at the computer—still in my conference period—and a song came on a and I just suddenly wanted to dance. I turned up the volume and danced freer than I have in MONTHS. I flew around the room—God lighting my every step—it was incredible how I felt—I was thinking as I danced how AWESOME it felt and how awesome it was that I was doing this—and that I could still dance.

Almost like I never missed a beat.