The following is much of a letter I wrote after returning from Pennsylvania last night:

My legs are sore from dancing too much, my brain is fried from a 6 hour flight and my heart is hopeful with new friends and continued purpose. Thus, I conclude my weekend in the Pennsylvania mountains by declaring it another resounding success. The only bad part was coming back to Los Angeles. Not for long, though—not a chance.

First, Blue Mountain Christian Retreat is definitely my favorite place on earth. It is nestled south of the Pocono mountains in northeastern PA and is immensely, breathtakingly beautiful. I took more pictures this time I will email, later in the week. Take a lady swamped with thought and plant her in that setting and watch the brain clear. It got off to a rough start in many ways but in the end the clarity came not while hiking up the mountain to the prayer chapel or foraging for leaves on the ground; rather, it came as I lay resting behind the Shachah book table before ewe went to work again. It came silently but clearly in my heart. More on that later.

Meanwhile the main event often trip was the Shachah worship conference, an annual event that I worked at with the ministry staff. Let me begin with and overview of that.

Each conference I seem to know a little more than the last time so I do more. This conference I was up on stage as Aunty Magrate taught beginner tambourine. Beverly, my friend, and I demonstrated almost the entire syllabus—THAT was pressure—teaching is more intimidating than playing, but it was good. I could do it and that was exciting. I need to perfect it because as Ruthie said, they need more teachers and help at this point, with Maxine getting married and all. So I came home resolved. I even helped with FLAGS! That is a hoot if you know me. I don’t play flags officially—it has been my last skill coming. I know about 4 patterns. I actually went outside where the classes were on the mountain to TAKE the class and Max put me to work “Help, Susan.” So I was to walk around to people having trouble doing Half Shield (a twirl of the flag that changes hands) and I knew what well so it was easy—and then Max taught Full Shield (change hands and then come right back to the original hand)—and I could hardly remember it. I ran back inside when no one was looking and grabbed a book and my friend Lisa and told her to teach me Full Shield again. I got it and ran back downstairs to help people with that. That is the Shachah way—you don’t know it? LEARN IT NOW! Don’t make excuses. So no one even knew I was clueless. It was exciting though.

We did a lot of ministering in the services of course. That is always neat—if exhausting! And I even got to play “As David Did” again with the team—and I am leaning it better. That also is exciting because I have wanted to play that forever. I had a blast with everyone from the various areas working with Shachah I realized on this trip they are not just people I see each time, but they have become true FRIENDS. That is a neat feeling—friends who understand and share your heart like no one else can. Until you are in a Shachah seminar you can tell people til you are blue in the face but it doesn’t really explain it.

On that end, we were blessed by two people who DID attend this year. They did not know each other or come together. They came with their families—one lady seemed to know me (probably from the New York seminar—this as my third East Coast seminar this year so I lose track of people who know me, you know?) and introduced me to her husband. Later both of these men—this lady’s husband and another man whom Aunty met, were introduced to the groups at different times--having no connection or even knowing each other. Both men are New York City Police officers—and attended separately! They spent their days off at a worship seminar that focuses on dance, tambourine and flags. Seeing the lady’s husband, the cop from the Bronx who works 110th and Lexington in the city, stand up and twirl a huge tossing flag last night was so awesome. Women who do these things are neat, but I believe in my heart it is the MEN who will shake the earth. NYPD officers are hardly wimps. What an influence that was on everyone. WOW!

I enjoyed my time with the Shachah team more than ever. We are becoming real friends--a group of us dancers from all over the nation--people who would not have known each other under other circumstances. We minister to each other as well as the people who come to the seminars. Each time I go I learn something new just about ministry in general. What great training I have had. How blessed I am!

People at the book tables commented that they were thankful we would help them or answer all their questions or whatever--I told one that it was truly my pleasure. That is one of my favorite things--simply helping the people--teaching them, encouraging them. This is the stuff that matters. One of the teenage boys was downstairs with us at breakfast saying to someone "you go on, I am not dancing and doing that girl stuff." Somehow someone snared him because that afternoon he was demonstrating flags and even knew that no sissy could HANDLE the Shachah syllabus. Another guy redeemed from the pit of lies that says guys can't dance or minister in the worship arts.

I enjoyed good conversation with old acquaintances that truly became new friends. Most especially I spent time with Beverly from Okalahoma, Lisa from Long Island and Katie who works right there at Blue Mountain. I enjoyed a late night dinner with Beverly in Orwigsburg--a town with an awful name and so much charm. I enjoyed MANY talks with Lisa and felt a very strong spiritual connection with her. We also shared many laughs that all began with our old joke from the New York City conference in May when Pastor Michael would not let me take the subway to my hotel late at night and had her take me because she and I were both staying in Queens, and then she got us lost. It bonded us. We had great talks--serious talks, good laughs. Seems every time I was not in a class Aunty Magrate, our leader would walk by. It became such a joke--she would walk by and say "Susan Tyrell, why are you not in a class?:" and not even LOOK at Lisa. One day Lisa and I lingered in the dining room and they started upstairs. Aunty was on a microphone giving instructions on a dance step with streamers. All of a sudden the volume was piped into the dining room... "Step to your left, ball, change, step to your right..." And I stood up, automatically and started doing the moves as if I were supposed to be dancing. It was a huge joke because last year I did the same thing when a video was running. I told Aunty later how she always seemed to appear and how I responded to her even when she wasn't there. She thought it was HYSTERICAL. The night before I had been sharing with Katie at the office how I had to stay after dance class once and do a step 20 times I said I couldn't do (because failure is not accepted in Shachah) and as I was telling the story Aunty Magrate appeared "Susan Tyrrell--why are you not in a class?!" Fact is I did not HAVE to be in one, so I was not doing something wrong but she was just checking. But it was like she KNEW I was saying something. So then that day Lisa and I were talking we went back in to work the book table and I had to run to the restroom. It had all become such a joke that I said "Oh no, what if I go? As soon as I leave I will bump into her?!" It was a joke because she would NEVER be mad at that but it was more funny how I was seen whatever I did--and no one else was. Finally I went. I walked across the room--got to the pathway that led to the outside doors and there was Aunty walking in--she collided with me. I stood there laughing-she did not know why--she just hugged me. It was HYSTERICAL. So later that afternoon it had become the biggest joke among us Shachah people and Aunty was up there sharing and being very serious. We were sitting behind the book table listening--and then out of the BLUE she talks about how sometimes the kids might fall asleep and that was okay "BUT DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT IT SUSAN TYRRELL!" We laughed so hard we could not stand it. She did not REALIZE what she was doing. It was truly funny. I said it is a good thing I was not saying bad stuff about her. She would probably hear me! (-:

So there was lots of fun and laughter. And friendships--continuing and beginning. I mentioned Katie. Katie and her husband Mark are from New York City and the Lord opened a door for them to work at the retreat. I am not sure of the exact title but they basically run the place. Katie is the one who replied over a year ago to my email asking about getting a room for LAST year's conference. We seemed to hit it off last year, even in email—it was kind of funny—but somehow this year we became friends. Actually God used her Friday at a critical time when I needed someone and she was right there saying something I needed to hear but she didn't even know it. We got to talking more and actually Sunday when it was over I talked to her and her husband so much that they were worried I would miss my plane! Anyway, the rush season is over there, leaving her with more time and so we decided to email. I also talked to them about coming back sometime for a few days, just to be there on the mountain. I love it so much. I am glad to have gotten to know Katie better. She is the one who offered me a summer job last year. That didn't work out but maybe one day I will be able to.

The only thing that is sometimes hard about these Shachah conferences is that I am so deeply involved and yet I am not a part of an outside team--I always go alone. I AM a part of the Shachah team and any dances or demonstrations I know competently I do with them. When we lead worship I am up there with them, but I am longing like I cannot describe to have opportunity to do more. I want to take a team up there. I decided that wherever I end up (which is right now looking like it could be a small town area in northeast Texas) I am going to try to start something up in the COMMUNITY--not a church thing wherever I get to go, but a community thing. It hit me when a lady was sharing with me her passion and seeing another lady from her town and one was Assembly of God and one Baptist but both wanted to do the same things. I really encouraged her to get with this other person and invite some more and start working on the syllabus and stuff—to do it at town events and public things. Why does worship have to be confined to the church doors? So if I end up in a small area, that is where I will launch from. If I end up in Dallas, I will work more closely with Shachah. If I go to Houston I might combine. Dr. Hayes, my old boss, already found a church that is "right up my alley" by him and I wrote them and they have been in touch with me (three times actually) about dance ministry. So maybe it IS in the future after all...

Anyway, it was a truly awesome trip--I think the excitement of seeing people get this vision will never wear down. How much we take it for granted. Every time I do one of these I remember the importance. Personally I had positive experiences that helped in this adjustment period. You can't be on that mountain and NOT encounter God.

I got back Sunday night at 9 (midnight on my time clock) and had to do a work training today. That was tough as I literally almost fell asleep several times. But I get a day off Tuesday to clean up, do laundry and job hunt some more. It is all getting closer--I feel it. That was what I discovered as I lay behind the book table during a service when we had a break. Somehow reflecting on my mountain only propelled me more toward the trees of Texas.

Anyway, this is the short version (yes, it really is the SHORT version!).

In the future, conferences will be different. Maxine, the youngest Yap daughter is getting married Nov. 30 and moving to Austin with her husband. Melissa is here at USC. Brandi will be leaving in February to run the Shachah office in Malaysia that is reopening. Only Ruthie and Anna will still be here—and Valentine is now around, so hopefully she will stay. Thus I am going to work harder on the things I don't know so I can be more helpful. That is exciting. They will be here in San Diego in February--in fact I will be in San Diego Nov. 22 doing site surveys so Pastor Michael can choose the conference site. The annual conference this year is in Miami. And there is a Long Island seminar coming up that my friend is hosting and INSISTS I attend! I certainly hope I can--especially since I really bonded with her team and would love that! But you know what guys? This is my passion. Moving away could not take this from me--so if I have to work one or two extra jobs to afford my travels I don't care because every time I am back in it I remember WHY it is so important to me. I admit if I keep this up I really need to be flying in and out of DFW--these across the country flights in a weekend are killer! But I would have never guessed that the people I saw lead a dance seminar over three years ago would become like family to name and I would be up with some of these same people leading. What an AWESOME three years. And every time I think it is slowing and ending it flares back up again. I look forward to the next chapter.

Thanks for your prayers on this trip. As far as everything went--travel, baggage, car rental, even driving in the rain--all was entirely smooth--unlike the last couple of Shachah trips I had with logistical chaos. The six hour flight home about drove me into an insane asylum, but other that that I was fine! Seriously sitting in one cramped space for six solid hours--mostly in turbulence so you could not even get up, was like ancient torture to a lively person! for now on I believe in CONNECTIONS if the flight is longer than 3 hours! YIKES!!! But I thank God it was an awesome time of ministry and a successful conference. We were delighted by all the new people who had never been exposed to such a ministry before. But I think I can speak for everyone when I say we were most ministered to by the NYPD officers who took time off with their families and came to worship on the mountain.

It is truly the mountain of God.


Blog entry:

Before I left I was actually at a point of thinking maybe I would stay for the church. I do love it, but then a series of events in PA made it clear. I need to get out of cities. In FACT, I am actually thinking of moving to deep East Texas where there is no traffic or anything else like that-where I can live in a country house and enjoy tranquility and nature. Emerson and I would have been friends.

The whole weekend was incredible as usual. I will go ahead and insert some journal excerpts here and then conclude. Please keep in mind these are excerpts written at the time I was thinking /feeling them…

11/6/03—I’m on another plane—American airlines Flight 114 LAX/EWR. Sometimes I can speak fluently in airport codes… they served us breakfast. I asked what happened to the Bistro Bags. Apparently now I have graduated to longer flights they serve us food on long flights…unnecessary, but nice. So the flight is good—a 767, which I love—aisle seat right by the restroom—seatmate as much of a loner as I.

Time to think

Rats.

I’m on my way to the mountain I love so much. Somehow Blue Mountain became my favorite place on earth after only one visit. I need the beauty; I need the peace; I need the stillness. And I need to be away from both California and Texas—away from the confusion.

This is a long flight, and I don’t like it. The flight is fine; I can’t imagine it being a better condition as far as plane, seat, etc. But it’s FIVE HOURS of Susan sitting in a cramped space. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m already doing dance stretches and playing air drums—and I don’t think we are halfway there yet. Usually at this point we are about to descend. Yikes. Yes, the DFW central hub, convenient to all points east and west, is a good thing!

11/7/03—12:20 a.m. Another late night/early morning. I arrived safely at the Blue Mountain Christian Retreat at 7:30 p.m. this evening—11 hours after leaving my home in Pasadena! I complain, but the truth is I would make a good traveling minister IF that was all I was doing. Working full time and squeezing stuff like this in is what makes it hard. It feels normal being here. I have only seen it through complete darkness, but I can still tell how beautiful it is. I LOVE it up here…

The snack shop was closed tonight and after having only a sandwiches substantial food all day, I decided to try to find something outside the grounds. So after a horrific drive up here (in rain and traffic), I ventured back down the mountain at 11 p.m.. I drove to the town a couple miles down and everything was closed. I drove to the next village—closed—even gas stations. I drove to Fogelsville—also closed, but I turned and found a 24 hour Shell station . Man—20 miles or so on dark winding mountain roads—mist, deer, fog and I drive like I am in Texas or something. It amazed me I could have an ounce of fear. Most people I know would be terrified of half the things I do! But I like adventure, I guess. I did this hour long trip with no cell phone either. I prayed but that was it. The childhood adventurer lives, even if the free spirit is in question.

It’s good seeing everyone. At this point I have a whole group of northeastern Shachah friends and we just embrace with delight when we see each other. It’s exciting. Lisa from Long Island told me they are doing a conference in the spring and I HAVE to come—have to. Oh, Lisa—if I am out of CA I bet I can, we’ll see. I like Lisa.. I realized tonight she reminds me of Shelly. I’m sure that helps me like her more.

Being here only reinforces how much I hate the city. Yes, I want to leave Los Angeles. When I think of going to Texas, even though I don’t think I get to go home, I get excited. Texas is home anyway. But I love my church. I’m not really torn about leaving LA—only the church. I’ve talked to God a lot about that—in between wrestling with Him. It’s all on the surface now. I’m in truth at least—I realize what it is and have words in my head. Appropriate time as this is the early day of November 7, 2003—and it was 6 years ago to this day that the truth set me free.

11/7/03—It’s morning on the mountain. I opened the door to the outside and finally saw it again—and I stood there and cried.

“Deliver me!” I said to God.

This is my favorite place in the whole world. I’m writing this on a mountainside. I’m on my way to the dining room, but I needed a moment first. I’m going to read Psalm 5 and get on with my day.

11/7/03—later (after a conflict that left me a bit shaken regarding my moving, etc)

God sends a rescuer—it came in the form of Katie who works here—the one who offered me a job here last summer. As usual I started yapping—and she was so very encouraging about my doing what God wants. Of course I can’t tell anyone the depths of this, but it helped anyway, I don't think it was even all she said—though it was encouraging, but I think it was the acceptance that followed the condemnation. But she did say one thing I found very interesting—she said EXACTLY what Pastor Darrell and Pastor Jerry said to me. That really struck me—I think especially after what had just happened—it struck me as no coincidence that she would say the same thing. I forgot that that comment from Pastor Darrell and Pastor Jerry was what encouraged me so much because it released me from being trapped and condemned—it brought hope. So even more I think I appreciated it after feeling that awful trapped and confused feeling. So Katie was sent from God today—perhaps a friend—we’ll write. I love this place SO much. I want to come back. I’m hoping to get back before next year. This will depend on where I live for sure, and where I am visiting. I need this mountain. I can’t say enough good things about it. And it’s nice to have a friend here. But God did that. For all my God [stuff]. I recognized Katie—and her precise words.

11/7/03—still later

Put me away in the mountains and it is a safe bet I will be writing often! … Now I really think I am going back to Texas. It hit me in the evening service. Pastor Michael was speaking—though I admit I wasn’t listening closely. I was laying behind the book table and it was so odd because I was thinking of Pennsylvania and realized, I have to leave LA-I must have peace in my life again—in my world. LA will never slow down and I don’t want to give into that mentality. I love this mountain and while I can’t live here (maybe someday) it reminds me of what is important. And something else has happened. It happened in Texas, too, a few weeks ago. I find that I can really impact the people around me. I see myself making a difference--even ministering to people. And the strangest thing hit me tonight in this same moment as I lay there behind the book table—I was having a conversation with Lisa and she as sharing so much with me, but we didn’t get to finish. All of a sudden I was overcome with an urge to pray for her—I mean overcome. I literally HAD To start praying in the Spirit for her. It was very short but it was rolling off my tongue. I can’t remember the last time I prayed for someone out of PASSION like that…. This wasn’t rote. I see this and I see the way I could relate to people in Texas—and I know I have to go back. I pray for mercy in case I’m double blowing it, but I think the fact that everyday life in LA is such a matter of SURVIVAL precludes, very often, the outreach and passion I used to have. In fact, I think tonight is the first time in over three months I WANTED to really pray for someone. The same thing happened here that happen in Texas in October. I got here and became ME again. It’s still in there but how long will it last if I stay there [in LA]? No one may ever understand, but I have to live it. It’s like I told Katie—if you present something to a Christian that could be right and follows the Word and you come at it with passion and excitement, they will, nine times out of ten, buy into it right along with you. She agreed. I want to prove it. I’d love to do research on it. We as Christians all WANT these things to be what we want them to be. But that doesn’t mean it is God. Pastor Jerry is the only one who saw a clue of it….I’ve grown attached to the church and hate to leave, but let’s be frank—that’s my pride. I know if I stick around long enough I will finally be a leader in dance ministry. I look around here at the leaders I know. Some are mighty people of God, but others, most are just normal people—some people don’t have it as together as I seem to in many areas. It really makes me wonder—sometimes I feel like the loser of Shachah—why am I still the follower? Anyway, I need to sleep I guess. I’m really not very tired. I guess the mountain energizes me. I’m getting up early to be alone outside. It’ll be around 20 degrees, but if I have to drive around to keep warm it will be worth it. At some point I want to hit the prayer chapel too. But mostly I want NATURE. I wonder if I’ll ever live here… but maybe it’s better this is a utopia I do not shatter. Maybe it’s still so good because I didn’t haul off and run up here. If I can get back to Texas at Christmas, I will try to come back at spring break. This is my heart’s resting place. Maybe I’ll try working here a summer or something one year. But I think I will always come here. When I come here I touch God—and I see beauty unlike any other—what else is there?

You know I don’t analyze things like if I do or don’t want to pray for people or ministered to them. It just happens—I go with my gut. An the fact is, in LA my gut is not there. If I HAVE prayed with someone or minister to them, it’s felt like obligation or that I had to for some situational reason. There’s been zero passion. I don’t work that up or not. It’s either there or it isn’t—it seems to me that being at peace, that experiencing joy, that feeling you are operating in who God made you to be ought to be at least SOME prerequisite for knowing you are in the will of God.

I’m waking up in 6 ½ hours. I have to SLEEP! I don’t want to lose a second of this time, this place. Even some of my spiritual confusion subsides here. The very thing I went to LA for I can have, to a very nice degree, by visiting—the rest is dust….

On my mountain everything seems clearer.

11/9/2003—But it’s actually only 1:06 a.m. so I haven’t been to sleep from the 8th! I can’t write much now because it’s so late, but I’ve had a blast today. We had flag stuff so other than helping people with flags, I had lots of time to hang out. I’ve had lots of laughter today. I began the day at the prayer chapel, then collecting leaves, then driving the countryside. We had a powerful service tonight. I played the tambourine so hard I got a blister. I also felt like I did some real warfare. Being here has made the job and everything else seem worse in light of what is so good. I guess it’s a good thing I just had a moving disaster; otherwise, I would probably pick up and move here. One day I will spend a long time here—even a summer job would work, but I long to be here for Christmas, in snow, in front of a fire.

11/9/2003—

It’s the last day here—RATS! Have I mentioned yet how very much I LOVE it here? I am kind of a zombie today from my late night. The conference is ending; the ministry is over; I’m packed up and ready to go after lunch. It’s been great, of course. There’s only one thing I don’t like about Shachah conferences (besides sweating). It’s hard for me to come year after year to conferences across the nation and see the light come into peoples’ eyes, see them HUNGER for more of this and know I can offer Shachah principles and instruction (at some level) to them. And yet I can’t do it. I see people launch into ministries and bring their teams. I try to say it doesn’t matter, but it DOES. The point is, it can’t be my reason (Los Angeles), but it does matter and to say it doesn’t is to say God wasted three years of my involvement in this ministry. It matters. [I might] even form a team, an interdenominational team. I will do whatever I can and stop trying to make it happen in a church. It matters. And if I know I have the opportunity to continue with Shachah I will dedicate myself to learning more tambourine, dances, and flags—I will be prepared. It’s hard when you don’t have hope.

It’s a funny thing because I am in the lousy surrealistic dream and yet I feel like something’s going to change—where that shred of hope comes from is beyond me. Perhaps it’s fantasy—surrounded by Shachah, worship, my passion—who knows… I don’t want to go home, but the fact is my life is on hold til I get there. I feel more sure than ever that I need to go back—my only regret is the church. But I can’t sustain it alone—if I were married it would be different, but without consistent emotional, physical (even if it is just natural affection—I don’t mean marriage) and spiritual support I can’t do this. I keep seeing myself laying on the floor behind the Shachah table realizing I need this peace, I need to go—such a quiet and spontaneous moment, yet defining in my heart. My heart longs for a quiet life. I wonder where I’ll end up. I pray it’s just a place of peace and hope with God, too…

11/9/2003—I HATE long flights. Hate, despise—YUCK! I am thankful I can get where I need, but I am FERMENTING somewhere around the Midwest to the West. Looking out the window reveals not even city lights. The inflight movie barely ended—I hope it was a long one—my only clock is on the cell phone I can’t turn on. We could be anywhere between one hour away (tolerable) and over 2 (NO!!!!). In the end I look back at this year’s Blue Mountain trip with happiness. It was good. I’m in my element and I love it. I got choked up when I drove off the mountain. It’s not easy to leave when I know what I’m returning to.

I spent my last little bit of time talking with Katie—and then her husband Mark, also. Katie and I are staying in touch. I’m glad—I really like her and discovered Mark is a neat guy—very special people. It would be nice if this developed into more of an actual friendship—which I believe it could. I still talk about coming back one day—and I think I’d be welcomed. Someday. I need my mountain. I’m realizing how many friends I have scattered around the country because of Shachah. From Long Island to southern Arizona—from New York City to Norman, Oklahoma, I have real, developing relationships. It’s very neat.

It was easy saying good bye because I’ll see them all in three weeks for the wedding. And I’ll be back. I love the church but I can’t stay in LA. I need a quiet life. I honestly find it more appealing to live in QUITMAN!

I wish I knew where we were and what time it was. I slept a little which is good, but it wiped me out. I don’t even have energy to write all I wanted to catch up on! I need OFF this plane! Six hours—but, praise God, Erica (Crocker—the Hillsongs lady who was at our church) had it right. On my crowded flight I have an empty seat next to me. Wow! What a blessing. She said that happens to her a lot. On the way there they switched the plane and I got the nice seat with no one across the aisle and the soft back. So IF you have to have a disgusting flight it’s been the best conditions. But by golly, I need to a) walk b) talk 3) find a job! I’m guessing Arizona or New Mexico—scattered lights below. If we were on CA there would be no lights in the desert until just before we begin our descent…. How will I ever survive international travel?

A random insertion from my midnight dinner with Beverly (Oklahoma) at the pizza place—they had a country channel on the TV and some country song came on and I actually swayed to the beat. It was a scary moment. I think what most people would find surprising is how many similarities there are between East Texas and northeastern Pennsylvania. Shachah is rebooked for next year so I will be here barring anything unusual. But I’d like to get back sooner—spring break, a long weekend—anything. The mountain—in all my pain and crisis—drove me to God. That alone is enough of a reason to go back to East Texas or another similar place. Country living is looking mighty good (she says as she approaches Los Angeles).

A post-journal note on the flight: My time estimation was awful. We had over 2 hours when I wrote that—so we were probably near Nebraska. That flight was NOT fun.