Figures I would start to feel a part of church now that I have decided to leave! Seriously, it is just getting better at church and I COULD be VERY happy in the church. I could go on and work with dance and do all that was planned and be very fulfilled—two days a week. But can a church you live 20 miles from and go to twice a week make up for the rest of life? I don’t think so. I guess it is a positive thing that I actually feel some feelings of being torn. I am just so unsure. Darrell’s sermon was wild. I told him I walked right into it. He previewed it Friday night because Terry and I asked him HIS view on our discussion and he told us a Scripture and said that was Sunday’s sermon. Terry kept hitting me and giving me pointed looks. It was kind of funny. I could not process it. I could not receive it. But I listened and took notes for when I can.

Terry told me the letter she wrote me last night was completely GOD. She said she sat down and typed and the Holy Spirit just came over her. I knew it wasn’t typical. She has never written me a real letter. So I will print it and save it until it can get in me. If it can get in me. She takes this epiphany very seriously and I am thinking of talking to her after all. Honestly, I think God is revealing to her that what it is is serious because I don’t think what I have written would be enough to tell her. So that is why I think maybe she is the one to tell. If God is giving her insight, she can help. And the thought has actually occurred to me to talk to BOTH of them together. I can’t decide. But I WILL talk about it.

I played tambourine in worship today—all by rote at this point. Then I moved to the side where there was room for my streamer and danced a bit on a another song—and then I stopped. I am sure it looked like the usual Susan if anyone was watching. And I have grown as a dancer in the technical sense that now when I worship my body can just DO stuff that is nice and ballet-like. BUT it was not what it should have been. I didn’t want to tarnish the dance, so I stopped and sang—telling God what He already knew in between. Then I sat at the altar and cried. Again. I have spent a lot of time crying at the altar in the last month!

We had a special service—communion and an anointing service after, but I did not do the anointing part—not at this point, but just stayed and prayed I was at the altar mostly but it got crowded. Many people had left so I just went to an empty pew. Diana had finished ministering to people and walked over to me—which did not surprise me in the least even though she never has. She walked up to am, laid her hands on my head and began “The Lord says…” So I listened. She did not speak to me at all other than that and I was glad. Much of it was nice and encouraging to me. She even use the language from the illustration Darrell used that also happened to be from and old song I fell in love with a couple years ago after knowing it since I was 15 “the Touch of the Master’s Hand.” But then she went into dance. After all the Texas versus California and God being with me etc., etc. (and much deeper than that), she went back there she started. She said the Lord has gifted me to dance (I resisted the urge to laugh). This on the day I am thinking it is time to take a break from dancing until at least I talk to someone. And then she came back at the end of the whole word between and said “the Lord has gifted you to dance. He loves it when you dance. He loves it when you dance. He loves it when you dance. And He is going to make a way for you to dance. You are going to dance.” Over and over. Of course I am crying at this point..

Not a few minutes before I had been thinking I wish people would STOP telling me things. I sometimes think people look at me and they see how far God has brought me—my life really IS a miracle—and so they assume that if I am such a miracle that God must have some great ministry or something in store for me. And I have felt a strong call too. But I thought, maybe what I feel is wanting to fulfill others’ words over me and this is not God’s plan at all. Maybe I am going to go live in Texas, go to church, worship, teach and live a normal life until I die—and nothing is wrong with that. Why do I have to be some great traveling missionary or minister of the Lord or whatever? I mean, sure I would love that kind of thing, but I think it was dreams of others, not God. So I decided this and decided I am going to tell people to keep these things to themselves (politely of course I just mean because I need to process God and not people) and then Diana says all this a few minutes after. So I don’t know how to take any of it. And then Terry wants to hear all about that and goes on about how her letter to me was the word of the Lord and not just her opinion and how the Spirit came on her as she typed. And then she went on about what she believes in me and what God is going to do and stuff like that. And I don’t know how to take any of it. I told her I was not sure I wanted to talk to her because I wasn’t sure how she would take it—but she could handle it. I don’t think she will yell at me or anything! I will try to set a up a time with her this week for when I get back from PA.

I felt sick again this morning. I am tried of spending some mornings feeling super sick. If this is what happens to me now I wonder what would happen if I ever got pregnant (YUCK!!!!). Seriously I don’t know what it is. I think maybe it is just stress.

I told Terry what I have been thinking—I do not WANT to go on a ministry trip to PA this week. I am SO not up for ministry and being strong and giving and chatting with people who have questions and demonstrating routines and blah blah blah. But it is too late, so I am going anyway. I can see it might be good. For one that is so NOT the real world. I will be holed away in the most beautiful place on earth (to me right now—it is my favorite place in the world) to me for four days. I will be forced to focus on other things. I will be praying in the Poconos, on the mountainside, the prayer chapel. I will be with people I love. And I will have no email to be disappointed by when the right letter doesn’t come! Because of my job hunting state I will have to try to check the cell phone. Last year it wouldn’t work up there, but I had different service. If not I will have to call in from a pay phone. I will be up there two business days. Not good timing in that sense.

I am enjoying being with Terry when I do talk to her lately—It will be hard to leave her. It will be hard to leave the church, but it won’t be hard to leave LA. But I would be lying if I said I was not torn. But I am glad I am—it is healthier. I will miss Darrell and Terry and Cindy and Pastor Dan and Diana and William (who will eventually move to Texas). I will miss what could have been with a dance ministry, but then I don’t know that I want a ministry anyway. I am having some serious doubts in some areas. Not core doubts, the basics of my faith don’t change. But some stuff does change as you grow—or get squished.

Tomorrow is Monday. Is this the week I will know if there is hope? Is this the week I might get an answer, or will it drag on?

I can’t believe in the middle of all this I have to get on a plane to New Jersey (“is a state”!) and be a Shachah person. This doesn’t feel like a good time! But it is time anyway.

Tomorrow I also get to fight with my district or LA County or whomever about my lack of salary. I have already spent a lot of money just on food and stuff I needed, and I need my money paid to me—or verbal fireworks will fall in Glendale, CA!

After church I went to U-Haul to find out about a hitch. I can get it installed with al the wiring an everything for $165. I am thrilled. I saw the trailer I rented. Golly, it is small! But it will carry what I need and the rest can go to Terry’s til spring—or summer or whatever! I wish there was some way to stay involved with this church and yet not live here. It is just impossible. And I can’t do it alone. I cannot live in LA every day, having all the ick come at me and my spirit with no counter ick or support most of that time. If I were not here alone I could. But this won’t work this way. Either way I win and either way I lose. Nothing is perfect. I think being a constant visitor here will be nice though. I think Terry and I will always be friends. And I think I will always wonder if I had done things differently if it could have worked. But like I said, no easy answers, no clear ways. Since I hate LA I guess hiding myself in the church is not the best way to handle it anyway. It feel safe there—but maybe it is Darrell and Terry who feel safe, Pastor Dan leading worship, Diana giving her words. Maybe that is the real safety.

The weather is so Texas like that I feel better. Monday it was 90 degrees, then it dropped to the 60s. It rained, got cold, today dark clouds filled the sky. Everyone keeps saying it is "freezing.” I laugh Freezing? Hardly! But at least it feels like home and right now that is helping me. Light and temperature and weather affect me DEEPLY. I am extremely sensitive to things like this (I can even sense when a light bulb begins to dim when others would not detect a change in light). Shadows affect me too—so the weather change is having a huge impact—and I am thankful it is a good one. Setting is powerful to me, just like in literature (another clue maybe I missed).

It sure is cool inside though. I blew out the pilot light on my main heater. I will turn the oven on if it gets a bit cool, but I don’t want to pay the bills. So I freeze, but it is okay for a while. It isn’t like it will ever TRULY get cold here! And the chill feels good. It is energizing.

Well, I am going to enjoy my evening. It was 4 when I finally got home. I have to really start packing now because I won't have time this week. I am trying to decide if I should go to ballet this month. Maybe I will take a break. The passion has to be in me even for secular ballet. I really have to get this thing out. But I am glad it is here because truth is heading in.

Soon my life will be n a 4 X 8 trailer, heading somewhere—across the desert to Texas, or maybe a while longer here. I am not sure I have ever been so unsure before in my life.

And that is surely disconcerting.