Assorted thoughts from Friday--excerpted and edited from a letter to Robin:

Word is around the English dept. that I resigned but all is good. They actually seem sorry. No one ever knew how much I hated it. That is good. Hasmik hugged me today and lamented my untimely departure. Whatever. Better to go out with people liking you.

Pastor Dan and Cindy came to dinner tonight. I really had a wonderful time with them. They are a LOT of fun. They enjoyed dinner—especially Pastor Dan—the man who likes EVERYTHING! But I love that. My happiest/saddest moment of the night was when I showed then the Shachah video from two years ago with the whole Don Moen medley. They were very taken with it and thought it was truly awesome. They asked so much about Shachah; it seemed Cindy stumbled across the website looking for something else and realized it was the ministry I talk so much about. She was like “Wow, this is national.” They asked me about my travels—and if I was self-supporting. They treated me like I was doing real ministry. I am certainly not used to that. Self supporting? Oh yeah. I said other than one pair of flags Robin bought me because she felt the Lord wanted her to, every penny of that ministry money came out of my pocket. That is why I hardly think of it as ministry in many ways. It is just what I do. But I say that was the happiest/saddest because I could tell by their reactions that they would love to see some of that here. They actually seemed very interested in the way the patterns work together into dances and tambourine moves and stuff. No one has ever seemed to care—people are too lazy or scared of that structure that creates the excellence Shachah has. They didn’t patronize me like many people do. And it is sad because I know if I stayed it wouldn’t be long before I was helping put small scale stuff on here. But at what cost? –I loved them for acting like I was truly doing something neat and asking me questions. It would have happened if I had stayed. And I will have to live with that regret forever. Yet I can’t stay and live with the rest of life. I wonder if it is possible that one day will have fulfillment both spiritually and naturally. Why can’t ministry and work and home be decent? Not perfect, but DECENT. Here ministry could be GREAT but everyday life and work are so bad I can’t stand it. What an awful trade off. I guess the good news is Shachah gets to come to Heaven. Okay, so in Heaven we won’t do patterns and talk in 8 counts, but the worship will be forever—I have tasted Heaven in these moments. And all the people who never cared what Shachah was about or what it taught will see that it had eternal value. Sometimes I get so frustrated—I feel like no one takes a REAL interest in it and that is an insult to ME because that is the biggest thing in my world. So it was special—validating. Anyway, I went off on a serious bunny trail, but it was a wonderful night—great friends. At least I leave here with friends. They were trying to help me find a way to get stuff to Texas at a reasonable cost. Pastor Dan suggested maybe someone from the church would drive out with me even though I told them my plan. Cindy actually considered it herself but I said it was going to be too close to Christmas for her. And I was stunned. But that is one thing I do love about this church—you know all these family ties and boundaries that ache so bad in my world? They don’t do that here. It is probably the first place where I have seen the family of God idea played out so much that no one ends up lost and lonely, except by choice. Both pastors open their homes on holidays. It is neat. I guess wherever I live I now live with regret. Give up the greatest church for sanity or give up sanity for the greatest church.

It is like having to choose WHICH ancient method by which to be tortured.