Well, I spilled the beans at work. I didn’t mean to but after another issue with the parking lot—a minor thing—straw that broke the camel’s back—I went to the counselor I really like and asked her if we could talk. I blurted out everything about work that I wrote yesterday and then some. And the sad thing is that she agreed with me! She told me it is a game and unless the good I have in CA outweighs the job, to go home and teach because it was a mess here and getting messier.

It is sad when you get encouragement. “The sad thing is that we can’t see through it all to keep the good teachers like you,” she said.

And that covers it… why should I sacrifice my career to play a game? I was fuming this morning. And I stopped caring. I stopped worrying about who might know. I did not yell at the principal in the schoolyard or anything so blatant; I even shut the door of the counselor’s office. But inside I gave up. She basically told me (as an experienced teacher who just became a counselor and one who has a reputation of being very good teacher in the past) that it is all a game and you have to play it and get in trouble if you want to be a good teacher.

She told me if I went to the principal that she would pat me on the back and send me to someone else but it would never change because the state is in such a mess. There is no power on an individual level to beat this system. It is sad. I had no idea it was this bad.

I sent a prayer request to my church prayer list. I was not detailed. I basically said there was stuff going on at work and I wanted to make it through the year if I could. I am seriously considering applying at another district even this year.

I made a sad admission to myself on my way in this morning—I don’t like my job. As I told the counselor. I have only been teaching 5 years—I am not a burned out teacher.

I like my kids, but it is so hard to teach them what they need to learn when lesson plans are written for me in a book and literally what I am supposed to write on the board is written out for me, when history teachers are not able to teach about a current election because the state doesn’t allow time for it.. I am honestly not sure I will get out of here with a good evaluation because I can’t lie. I can’t pretend to play the game. I had a feeling about this the first day of school, but it is pretty clear—and gets clearer every day. I know it sounds nuts, but every year by this time I usually have a pretty good sense of what is going on. A few years ago at QJHS that one incident with the principal and the grading scandal made me KNOW I was quitting. There was no question even in September of what was happening next year. That was because unless the whole thing and change and the principal admitted wrongdoing (fat chance) to remain there would have been to condone what I did not believe in. That is why I can know so early.

The sad thing is my district is considered a good one. It isn’t even the district. It is the STATE. It follows you. The only reason I would go elsewhere now is to get lost in a big district where no one would care and I could be happy for the months I am here and really teach kids.

I want to like coming to work again.