Well, I guess the truth still gets to me when nothing else can. I drug my sorry self to church today but came out better for it. It wasn’t church itself—it was mostly my talk with Cindy. Truth. YUCK! But I know what she says is right. What is scary is how similar she sounded to what Tara said yesterday. BLAST! Just BLAST!

Terry came in with a gift for me. I was truly shocked. She said “this is for you—no matter where you go or what you do, I want this to remind you of our relationship.” It was a funny sort of gift, not a deep one, but it was nice. And it was nice to know she would love me as much if I left. It touched me.

Then Darrell got to me at the end of Meet and Greet. “got your letter,” he said, putting his arm around me. Okay so now the truth is out all around! Anyway, we are talking Wednesday before church. That will help because secrets suck.

Apparently it was a very powerful service today. I did not know it—I was in SusanLand . Cindy set that straight after church and I didn’t know it worked until I left at 3 p.m. and realized that feeling in me—truth. The only hope.

It will be good to go to Texas this way—better than how I was. It was all be laid out there and then I will go there and maybe see things clearer. I want it to be Christmas but it won’t be. June, I think is possible—in my heart I really do. Christmas is my whale. DRAT! DOUBLE DRAT!

The funniest thing has happened the last two weeks in worship—I seem to have learned to play the tambourine. I mean, suddenly I can play the patterns RIGHT and on beat as if I had a Shachah leader in front of me. I certainly don’t mean as WELL as if someone like Brandi were leading—hello—that would take YEARS, but I mean that I would not disgrace the name of Shachah! Aunty would be pleased. But I say that is funny because I must be the most UNANOINTED I have been in years! Maybe that is why… maybe when it has been sort of a rote thing like that it has eased up on the spiritual pressure. So maybe when the two come together I will really have it. Cindy commented on how I at least worshipped when I was not feeling like it. I told her “It is that dumb tambourine; it has a hold on me.” I waited years to be free to play it and I know after this year I probably will not be free again, so somehow that is the one thing I can see clearly. I guess the good part is that it is an instrument of warfare far more powerful than the dance alone, so maybe I am doing some good???

Cindy thinks I am a horse standing in front of a lake, thirsty. I have been. I know she understands too. But something took. I am not sure what, but I know it did. I always know even when I can’t pinpoint it. Within a few weeks it will be immensely clear.

Diana came to me before church asking about dance stuff… I won’t detail all that right here because it falls into some of the confusion that I hope will finally be straightened out this week—this leaving me with no good answers. But the end of it was her talking to me about teach her daughter—DUH! So if that works out it could be great. She is a little girl who is PRECIOUS and very sweet and loves to dance around the house. How neat that would be—and Diana wants to learn too. That would help so much to be able to teach. Who knows what will work out—I used to know Diana years ago. I only have two vivid memories of her. One was of us making vegetable Bobolis in her kitchen and the other is of a poem she wrote in singleness. We have both changed a lot, and she is now one of those mighty powerhouses—in fact if a word comes forth in the church, it is often through her lips and very on target. I could use some people like that in my life again. Besides, she loves Texas! (She married a Texan and they hope to live there one day!)

So I sat with Cindy after church while she and Pastor Dan ate tacos that are not on my diet. By the time I ate it was 3:30—but I stopped at Baja Fresh and got a lowfat version of that lunch. Pastor Dan and Cindy are coming to dinner after I get back from Pennsylvania. That will be nice. My November is booked solid now. I think during the whole month I only teach one complete week with all my travel and Thanksgiving too.

The other Cindy is going home next month til January. It is funny, us permanent people who moved out here seem to have temporary assignments. Somehow hearing that from her helped ME. As long as I don’t have to stay here for years I think I can get over some of this. Los Angeles is the WORST place to be alone. I told Cindy that New York is a friendlier place and she agreed. She has lived on the East Coast. If I had to be lost and anonymous somewhere, I would much rather it be New York City in many ways—and I would never want to live there.

I have decided to take Cindy’s words to heart—or maybe I know I have to. Again, TRUTH. I know it when I hear it at that level. I will take back my landlord call. It can’t be yet. BLAST! But know that much. I know little else but I know that much. But DUDE! As soon as my mileage on AA is posted I am booking my spring real ticket!!

So I guess that is it—something turned today. It had to or I wouldn’t have made it. And now the travel is fixing to start and I am a happy girl when I am taking trips. I don’t want to sit home. If I were married and had a family that would be a time for that but My personality is not that way. I must move. So to reenter a season of travel will help too.

I wonder, one day in the future, how I will see this year.