Uh, oh!

That is my reaction to church today. I could not have had a better day if someone had rolled out the red carpet—actually it was better than that because it was like being HOME. Some people did rush to hug me, of course, because they did not know I was coming, but since most did know and since I had been gone less than three months, not years, it was more like joy at seeing each other than some grand excitement.

Maybe that was the problem—being at home. And then I thought maybe the church had just changed but it was not that—we just HAPPENED to have the most incredible service. They had planned to sing “Days of Elijah” today and the dancers have a dance with the glory hoops for that. Jan got them out and got a couple extra for me—not to officially do the dance but to use them in the flavor of the dance. And that did it. It started before then—with “freedom” and with Arthur. But that song did it for me. To be there with the dance team in the front of the church—I broke through the walls in me because I knew I was safe and free there. And I DANCED. I danced harder than I do in North Hollywood even—and it didn’t matter one bit that there was no tambourine in my hand. The thing is, it was different—it was good different. But as I danced flooded with joy and FINALLY sensing that anointing I have longed for all these months and been too caught up in the junk to feel—I also started crying. So much of what I have been learning came to me more seeing the contrast. I can’t express this in a blog—it is too deep. All that matters really is that I know and God knows. The worship time went on so long I thought Pastor Jerry would not have time to preach—which I was going to deal with since I am seeing him tomorrow, but that didn’t turn out to be the case anyway. Some words came forth and I realized I had a choice to keep up the pretty appearance or just let the rest of it go. So I stood there bawling during a spontaneous altar time. Pastor was praying for people at the altar. He put his ands on me and mostly just prayed in the Spirit. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the same person who left bouncing out of here had come home deflated. I didn’t care. I want to care—appearances told me to care, but the fact was, it is the only home I have and if I have to care there how real is the home anyway? So I let it go and I SOBBED. I mean I sat there at the altar and just cried my pathetic little eyes out—feeling 100 percent SAFE as I did. Today was the safest I have felt in months.

I cried because I wanted to be home. I LOVE Texas—I love EAST Texas and I love my church. I don’t want to go to Dallas and find a new church. I want MY church.

I was very honest with everyone who asked—I didn’t tell them I hated LA but I told them what teaching was like—Randy told me his daughter is thinking of going out there to teach and I said NO! Why ruin an excited teacher’s dreams with the CA educational system? The only thing good I talked about was the church. Yes, church is great, I told them—unfortunately I am not there 7 days a week. Once you are a Texan, you can’t be a Californian. How can I explain that?

Richard and Becky were proud of me—I finally came over to the side of the Texans. Richard looked like he wanted to adopt me when I said I would not want to marry a California guy and would hold out for a Texan! The waiter at lunch called us “ma’am” and spoke with an accent. It was beautiful.

Back to church. I sobbed at that altar for so long my eyes got squinty. So much for my pretty outfit and make-up! It was wonderful to let it go. But it also felt so awful because it is not like I could just walk back here. I do have to support myself. None of the districts around here pay NEAR what Tyler pays. That matters a lot.

After the great tear-fest, Pastor Jerry got up to speak. What he spoke on shocked me. Just before I left he did a three part Wednesday night message about the Lordship of Christ, and he spoke about the Ark of the Covenant and I Chronicles 16. It was a life changing message for me and was pivotal in my citizenship miracle God did in July. In fact I am on a lot of that last sermon tape because I shared the testimony of it in church and he referred to it often in the message. I have thought of those messages often since I have been in LA-very often. I have thought recently about how I really need to listen to them again too.

So Pastor Jerry gets up and says he knows it is late but he wants to share at least the key ideas from his messages—and he backs up to a series of messages from “several weeks ago.” YIKES! Guess what he talked about? He had a continuing message on what he had talked about the three weeks before I left. When I heard him announce what his topic was, I think it would have been really interesting too have put a camera on my face. I was shocked, delighted and aware, all in one goofy experession. Even as Jan prayed for me later at the altar she had said that they did not have services like this every Sunday. God was there for me today. It was incredible.

The most quiet and monumental moment for me came in the middle of Pastor Jerry’s sermon and talked about Obed Whatshisname. He spoke of him being a doorkeeper and Pastor said, “remember what David said?—I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than…” he waited for someone to fill it in. I started to say it—then backed off, then heard someone else say what I was saying. Pastor repeated it. So this time I spoke—no one else aid it “than dwell in the tents of the wicked.” He looked at me and said “than dwell in the tents of the wicked. I believe you got that right.”

Yes, Pastor, I did.

Salary too low, not enough preaching time. The old boyfriend who was too solid and stable so you dump him.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God…

Oh.

No great signs from God here—and I don’t think I could see the signposts right anyway. I read too many wrong on my way to the castle.

After church Pastor Jerry asked if I was coming to see him tomorrow—so we are still on. I saw him drive up this morning and felt tears well up in my eyes. I adore him. He is the most godly wonderful man. I have been blessed to have many people I respect in the Lord—including my current pastor, Darrell, but Pastor Jerry has a special place in my heart. Maybe because it is home. No one looked at me funny when I commented on how I loved Texas—no one seemed like they would think I was a big loser if I came back. We all went to lunch—the dancers and Pastor Steven and Camilla and their family—the worship pastors. Pastor Steven joked that maybe we could teach me the Christmas dance and I could learn it and come dance with them. If there was a way I could be here then I probably would have begged. How I will handle being involved in nothing at Christmas is beyond me. Christmas and Easter dances are so special—what will I do? It will be very hard.

I had such a wonderful time with everyone. My heart is with theirs so much. Again, hard stuff to explain, but there is so much inside me.

I have to reserve my final opinions on this trip until after speaking with Pastor Jerry, but right now my heart is torn apart because I know deeper than every what I love and where I want to be. I don’t need a giant sign from God to know the peace of God. In fact, Pastor even talked about the peace of God and when you start to lose it. That was what he was referring to with Obed Whatshisname—that he would d anything to stay under that—security guard, doorkeeper to worship leader. The position didn’t matter. And it shouldn’t. I am growing to love my CA church very much, but the problem is it is still in CA. And that is not where I left my heart.