One good day, one bad day—a balanced weekend. Ha! Seriously it was more an emotional whack out. It started before church while driving (nothing new but thanks to Cindy I don’t feel as dumb about it now!). But then it happened in church with my song—“Hallelujah to the Lamb.” We did not sing it, but somehow it got in my head. And I actually got some new insight into that old song that was the catalyst for the vision of Jesus that changed my life almost 6 years ago. Then I broke down when Diana had a word from the Lord for the church. For me. I don’t want o detail it all but it got to me heart in lots of ways. The thing is, once I started crying I really could not stop the rest of the day. Some of the crying was a pure spiritual reaction, and some of it was my gunk that was not so pure. I ended up slipping out in the midst of the altar call which was too close to home but too confusing to visit.

Cindy greeted me with a warm hello this morning but she had to leave after worship because her daughter was sick. She told me she had talked to a group that often goes out to lunch after church and they were going to look for me. She was so encouraging. She reiterated some of what she said yesterday. And she added that until I know how long God has me here I should be careful to what I say to people at home or I will have a lot of taking back and apologizing to do. “I know,” She said, smiling. Then she said the magic words I hear so rarely anymore: I love you. I am kind of glad she left. What a wreck I was! I left church and called Robin sobbing. I sobbed more when I got home. Robin was going to try to call back later because she had to go somewhere, so I went to the store, got lunch and came home. Then I did something that made me feel alive and dead at the same time. I got out the Easter video from my Texas church and watched it. As soon as I saw Pastor Jerry in the introduction I cried. When the worship started I burst into sobs. Robin called during the last song. I told her what I was doing. “Suz, why do you do this to yourself?” she asked. I told her that it made me feel good too. I needed to see everyone. Honestly I mostly turned it on to hear Pastor preach.

I have learned more than anyone would want to in a lifetime in the last two months. I am hard but humble.

My eyes still burn from all of today’s crying. At least I found a friend this weekend. Now I have to address what is going on with another one. YUCK! Robin thinks that is the heart of it. I almost want to take care of it to prove that is not it. I know there is more.

I sewed the elastic (badly) on one of my ballet shoes. 6 days and one shoe. That is a record for slowness, I think. I might do a patch job then take them to Robin next weekend.

Why does next weekend—12 days—seem terminal?