More updates—in every area but the job! I listed my apartment yesterday and got a call today. That is a good thing even if the manager says not to get my hopes up. They are coming next week from Boston.

I tried to call Dallas ISD but got a voice mail when I was transferred. If he doesn’t call back tomorrow I will call again. I will call and write and do whatever it takes! I dug up email addresses and sent unsolicited résumés to people! In fact, I might add, that is how I got my job in Tyler—sending Dr. Hayes an unsolicited email. But I got a call when a job was open.

In other news my work says I can go. They will release me from my contract. So now of course they need to know for sure. I think I have to decide this week. THAT is scary. It is suddenly going so fast. If I had a job I would not HESITATE, but I don’t and it won’t be in Tyler when I do and that makes it hard. It is all unknown. I want to curl up and make it all go away and I can’t. I am going to go back alone and do it all alone. Me myself and I. The greatest of friends. An allusion to a poem I wrote when I was 15. Still me.

Belma is calling tomorrow but she says she can definitely do something and give me several days in the guesthouse so that gives the apartment a chance to rent. Thank God. Guess I will book storage soon. I am so scared.

My kids told me today that in the beginning of the year I was happier. They are not dumb. I lost my favorite student—she left for home schooling. Then the LA County of Education told my work I do not have a choice to decline retirement pay. Only I filled out a paper from them where it said I HAD a choice! I was LIVID because they wanted to tale out BACK PAY! I called the person and told her it was NOT happening. I said there was NO WAY they were doing that when they gave me a choice. She felt so bad she changed it. She said by the time the county catches up with it it will be after the first of the year—by then I will be gone or prepared.

I am having family-itis. I wish so bad I had a place to go back to where someone said, you know what? Come home for a few weeks and relax—job hunt when you get here and don’t worry. But I don’t. I know NO safety catch—no one will pick me up if I fall. I will be at Robin’s for a couple weeks near Christmas and then I am on my own. I won’t have time because I can’t job hunt at Christmas if I have to wait til I am home to do it so I can’t get an apt then because who knows where I will work. So I am in a bad situation of having to chance it. I have to hope I get a job and will probably have to move into a hotel or something. Sometimes I really want a family. I have no place to just hang my hat and rest. If not for Robin’s I would be up a long creek—and that was just planned for Christmas, thank God. I am trying to get there later so I can stay later. I feel like I am about to be a vagabond. I won’t have a home the whole month of December.

So yeah, I am a bit overwhelmed, but when I think of staying. I don’t think that would be smart either. HELLO! I need one break in Texas—just one and I can do this—but so far I am floating.

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be rest again.

I am really really scared. When I think of going I have no help, no home, no job—but when I think of staying I wonder if a job and a home are worth it. But am I about to do something even MORE stupid???

Last time I did it all the right way and it was a disaster, so now why not take a chance? If I fall then I guess I die.

If I stay I will anyway.