I am on the plane on my way home.

Rats.

I burst into tears again as I departed Tyler, walking outside to the little plane, seeing the trees in the distance. I mean, the tears freely flow now—the truth is out but at least that makes it easier.

What I find especially interesting about my quest of late is that my two pastors agree with each other but what they say differs from what most everyone else says. BOTH of them say that in MOST cases geographical location doesn’t matter to God. I suspected Pastor Jerry was going to tell me this, as Pastor Darrell did only 5 days ago.

Most of my friends are still on the idea that Los Angeles was God’s will OR don’t LEAVE Los Angeles without a clear word from God. Pastor Jerry actually said what I have tried to say to others that many did not agree with. He said, if you do something and it does not work out, go back to what WAS working. The reason I ever said that is because it is a biblical principle I was taught. And that was exactly what Pastor Jerry said.

My visit was him was the most helpful discussion I have had since this journey began. I did not talk much at all (yes, really!). He asked me how it was going out there and I told him that is why I was there—that I hated it and I wanted advice from someone I respected spiritually who was also uninvolved in my daily life. And once I told him it wasn’t working he didn't need reasons or anything. He just started talking and it was GREAT because it was like my own personal sermon. He was very surprised when I told him that his message yesterday continued the last message he had preached when I was there. He had thought it was only a few weeks ago. And interestingly enough, much of the basis for the advice he gave me actually was on the topic of that SAME sermon and idea. Anyway he did not need to know why—he just began talking to me about what he thought and I think that he knew better than anyone that it wasn’t going to work. Maybe we all want those spiritual fantasies I chased. Maybe we all want to believe that the way a woman believes for a knight in shining armor. And he is so settled and stable that maybe he could see it clearer. He was probably less disappointed than anyone—not that ANYONE has been jerky to me at all—but I think he knew. He wasn’t SURE it was not going to work—and he would have been happy had it, but I got no lectures about giving it longer or anything else. Truth is he looked at me like I think a father would look at me and said “what I would like to see happen is for you to come home and continue where you left off.”

That might sound about extreme to anyone who was not there hearing the in between, but it made sense in context. He spoke to me as a pastor who had been watching me in the church—loved, like a well-watered plant, he said. If the plant is growing at the front of the house, and you move it to the back and it doesn’t get enough light, then replant it. He thinks I should be replanted. Now what was very interesting to me is that HE spoke the same verse Terry did about my GOING to LA in context of returning—or even of just BEING in Tyler. I cried several times as I talked to him and might have been the most prolific of the tears, although I never burst out sobbing or anything.

His biggest reasoning was related to the relationships he saw forming at the church. He saw more than I thought he knew—and he knew more than he saw. He gave a compelling argument without arguing. He is certainly no fool, not then I never thought he was anything less than filled with the wisdom of the Spirit. Not only is he one of the most spiritual men I know but one of the most PRACTICAL—something even he discussed—being pragmatic. He is not the type to label everything as GOD SAID TO DO THIS AND GOD TOLD ME THAT. He says—and has preached this—that that is a sign of spiritual IMMATURITY. And I agree with that much. He says if you really hear from God that much then you would be so spiritual you would be out of this world. You have to consider the source of this comment—one of the most godly men I know and have ever met in my life. So I trust that balance.

Balance was the KEY word today. He has a lot of insight into my life and I welcome it. One time a long time ago when something happened Martha called me and commented that Pastor Jerry sees me almost like a daughter, “like Camilla or Carissa,” she said. Well, I obviously thought that was a bit extreme but the sentiment was nice. But that is how I felt today—not like I was under the hand of my removed pastor, but almost a spiritual father. Back to the verse from Terry that he quoted and what he thinks is important too. BALANCE—and how it plays out in my life. Some of his comments were too much for a blog entry—they either would not make sense or were just a bit personal for the random audience that might peruse this, but they made perfect sense.

He also told me what had been going on in his mind when I went to him about leaving. He was honest when he said he saw no red flags and could place his blessing on it. But he had some other thoughts too. But he did not feel it was right to share them and he told me why. One reason is that he knew I was not ready to hear it—and I said that before he even did. He said he thought if he DID tell me all of it that it could potentially send a person into rebellion. He said because he did feel he could bless it he chose to just love me and to lead the church to love me in the move. For that alone I love him. He also said that he believed I was strong enough that if it did NOT work out I would not give up and die. He said had it been someone else, perhaps that he did not believe that about, he might have tried to convince that person to stay.

There is more to all this. Before I knew it two hours had passed and I had said little. I am honored to have sat there for two hours hearing the wisdom I did. The gist of everything he said was basically this: Okay, it is not working—so come home and rejoin your life, pick up where you left off and be with your family that loves you. Wow! I asked him if he really believed I could just pick up and rejoin my life and he said he thought I could. Later at Richard and Becky’s, Richard reminded me of something Camilla told me a couple years ago about a very godly couple in our church, leaders who got in their Ryder truck and moved to another state and felt so wrong about it that they never spent a night in the new state before coming back home. I had forgotten ever knowing that until today. But I needed to hear that. These people are a mighty couple of God, still leaders who are right on with the Lord. I guess they came right back in—I am sure there was a process but I sat in that Sunday School class Sunday and you would never know it. Mistakes are not the same as rebellious sin. No one hears perfect all the time. And God, as Darrell pointed out, is so gracious and good. He sees the heart. Nothing is irreversible.

Anyway, I expected encouragement from Pastor Jerry, and I expected love because that is who he is, but I am not sure I expected him to tell me more strongly than anyone to come home. I mean, he did not say I was a clueless jerk and needed to get my rear end back to Texas or anything so harsh, but what he said was out of his observations and wisdom. And how beautiful it felt. There is no doubt if that did happen he would again “lead the church to love [me].”

Until this trip Tyler was NOT a place I thought about moving again. After all I have worked for the only school district that paid decently so where does that leave me? But after Sunday in church it was like I knew I had to try. When Pastor said all he did, there was no question. It may not happen. Bottom line is that I could not afford to work for a place like Whitehouse or Chapel Hill so it would have to be a miracle, but I have a mighty man of God praying for that miracle.

Pastor Darrell, in essence, said to come home after our talk—not as directly and not with as much personal observation, but mostly because he sees the pain. I cannot ignore that the fact that as soon as my feet touched down in Tyler I became ME again. Do I love Tyler? No, I don’t, in many logistical ways. It is small and affords few opportunities for a single woman. There is not even a major freeway for 20 miles. But it is not a bad place. Too much like a small town at times, but small towns have their charm. People are so nice. Church is a good thing, and Tyler fits my mentality in many ways. I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my LIFE there, but I know that as annoying as it can be, I do LOVE Tyler, Texas also. Richard Hicks laughs and laughs now! Beverly had a FIELD DAY! We met at the airport as she and James were arriving and I was leaving. “Eat crow!” she commanded laughing, while James smirked beside her. Then Richard arrived to pick them up and I repeated loudly, multiple times: “Rednecks are cool. I love Texas. Rednecks are cool. I love Texas!” They LOVED it. But I also know despite the jokes (and they are NOT rednecks—also a joke), that they will show me grace.

I bought a bumper sticker in the airport that could get me SHOT if I put it on my car in LA. It says

I wasn’t born in Texas but I got there as fast as I could

Carissa told us about Pastor Jerry taking then to see the Alamo as teenagers and how she was bored and Pastor stood there saying “Let’s just take in this moment.” We laughed about it at lunch. I told Pastor how Carissa had shared that (barring the bored comment!) and how now I understand his love for Texas. He asked me: “Have you ever been to the Alamo?” I told him I had not, but would like to go now. He looked very passionate and said “It’s phenomenal.” I smiled, thinking of Carissa. We laugh about it but it is nice and we all know it.

Anyway, I left at 1, knowing I would be back in a few weeks and again at Christmas. Pastor Steven was standing there speaking in my ear like an orator “COOOMMMME BAAAACCK…. COOOOMMMMME BAAAACCK.”

Hang on to your dancing shoes. I might just do that Pastor Steven.