A friend.

Her name is Cindy and I have liked her since I met her. She is, of course, the worship pastor’s wife. I wish sometimes I would stop making friends who are in the ministry! But I liked Cindy the day I met her. She is one I have felt connected to. But at this point in my journey I have basically stopped caring. Sometimes that is actually better. I thought I was okay this morning, even though I was tired, but I got there and there was this teeny group of women, and old Sore Thumb here was not amused. Just before worship started I thought, I am not up for this. I snuck upstairs to the sanctuary where it was dim and empty. I sat in a pew and stared at the Cross and cried. I prayed, and although I couldn’t have been up there 15 minutes, I got some real insight into part of something I have to deal with (and don’t want to!). I was about to go to the restroom and then listen a few minutes til they were done. But as I stuck my head toward the stairs, I heard laughing. So I assumed they had finished worship and were fellowshipping before the other stuff. So I walked down and discovered that they were actually still in worship. Terry was up front and said “Oh Susan just walked in so she has to be partners with Cindy.” The giggling was because they were partnering to do some motions on songs. ARGH! Blast, I thought, I didn’t listen long enough. So Cindy was doing PowerPoint and I did silly motions with her. Then in between she asked me if I would be interested in teaching the kids in children’s church to dance sometimes in their worship time. Truth is, I could care less, but I said yes anyway—how can I complain if I refuse opportunity! So we were talking about that and got in trouble because Cindy, who never does PowerPoint, forgot to turn the screen and it was a song new to us all! So I was at a table with Cindy. Terry had said she would save me a seat but I didn’t even care, but I discovered that Terry was on the other side of me anyway. So one of the things we did involved silly Polaroid pictures and bookmarks with stationery. We were to pass our bookmark to the person on our right and then when we got our from the person on our left we were told to use the notecards to send that person three cards this month. Terry was on my right. I joked that maybe I was finally going to get a letter from her. Cindy was on my left. So I was obligated to write to Cindy. Since I really like her and feel comfortable around her, that was nice, not an obligation. I thought the Terry part was interesting, but figured I would not hold her to the cards!

At our table we had Scriptures and discussions on them. Of course they all had to do with the body of Christ and God being our comfort and other annoying topics that I needed but wasn’t up to hearing! And then after a long discussion, which was fine really, we prayed. I bowed my head and listened. And then Cindy, as she was praying said something or did something that reminded me of something positive and I cried—quietly, I mean, but that triggered me.

The second the prayer time was over, Cindy turned to me and said “Let me ask you something.” Since I had already decided I liked and trusted her, I was very agreeable (the down side of discernment is turning off on people when there seems to be no explanation, but this is the upside—instant trust on some level!). She looked me dead on, with a heart of compassion, and said “Do you know that you are a child of God and that He called you here for a purpose?”

And I cried.

“No,” I shook my head, tears in my eyes. “I think I have made a huge mistake, and I want to go home.”

We talked for the next two hours, and I discovered that she was pretty much the type of person I thought she was, though perhaps even more compassionate than I expected (or maybe I just expect everyone to be disappointed in me). It was really nice. This is one of those things I can’t really explain through a blog but was something I needed. I was surprised myself to find I was up in the sanctuary crying during worship. In that very short prayer I see that God addressed some of it within minutes.

There is an aspect to my sanctuary prayer this morning that I have to face and deal with. I knew it as I sat there. Whether I am to stay a year or ten years (please, God, no!), I will have to. Again that idea that it is not about PLACE but about who you are in God and if I don’t address this thing I will be in a mess.

Cindy offered me some good advice, and it really helped. What helped more than anything was having someone sit across from me and listen and offered the Word of God to me with compassion. That was my stream in the desert today, this month.

Cindy is one who has talked to me and been friendly since I have been here. More importantly she is the type of person I naturally LIKE. She is my type of person, not just some person who will do because they breathe. It was good. It gave me my first dose of hope in weeks. I still want to leave, but I don’t want my time here to be miserable either, you know? I want friends and a life. So I am having Pastor Dan and Cindy over for dinner after I get back from PA. It will be so nice to cook for people. Darrell and Terry are supposed to come the 31st but I am not even sure that is going to happen.

Anyway, it ended up being a very nice day, and I felt for the first time since I have been here like I left church having an actual friend and not just being Miss Sore Thumb.

The only downside to the day was a classic LA event. I went to my old favorite Bible bookstore in Van Nuys, Valley Book and Bible, a store I will likely never shop at again. It was way out of the way but for some odd reason I felt like being in the San Fernando Valley, somewhere different. These were my old stomping grounds. So I am looking for a CD, a couple cards, just passing some time and enjoying not being hopeless! I was looking through the young adult books in the CHRISTIAN bookstore. Suddenly I saw a very shocking book. (A note here, because my blog is linked to major internet search engines I will not name the title of the book or be too specific because it will create hits when people search and I don’t want hate mail and other stuff.) The book has God in the title, but it is hardly godly. It is a coming of age book about a 12 year old and her physical changes, playing spin the bottle at a party and celebrating Jewish holidays also. But the worst part of the implications—while the book doesn’t overtly look wrong for kids, it encourages sexual exploration. I mean, hello, even encouraging a Christian 12-year-old to pay spin the bottle is sick. But the absolute worst part is that this is a very famous author and in each book are references to her other books. This is probably one of her most tame books. Others address, for example, a BOY’s physical changes—very detailed—and overt sexual subjects including at a higher level, absolute detailed disgusting things no kid should read. People follow authors. HELLO! So what do I do? I thought perhaps they were ignorant, that because GOD was in the title they did not realize. So I asked the clerks. They seemed rather offended that I was asking. “Yeah, so it talks about girl stuff.” Okay so yeah, let us promote authors that write about the most anti-Christian things ever. This was not Barnes and Noble. I was so disgusted. No place that calls itself Christian should carry this woman’s books. She should be in mainstream bookstores, but I thought as Christians we were trying to promote our values and encourage a higher standard in all aspects of living. Not in LA, I guess. I will never step foot in there again. I looked them dead on and said I would not want my daughter learning how to play spin the bottle from a book—especially a book she bought in a Christian bookstore. It is that same idea if things starting small. No kid will read this book and learn how to have sex. But if a kid likes this books (most do) she will want more by this author and soon this author will teach this child how to have sex. And I am NOT exaggerating. It made me sick. And it made me sicker that alleged Christian looked at me like I was the one who was off.

“The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!”
-William Wordsworth, 1807