Also excerpted from a letter to David:

I went to ballet tonight and all I could think of was moving and being afraid and grieving because I want to be in TYLER and not Dallas even though Dallas is better than here but I feel like I gave away my whole life and I can't stand it.

I got another call on my apt. some guy who wants to see it Thursday and is ready to rent--looks like the lease won't be an issue--2 calls on the day I after I placed it available in JANUARY--or the job contract. But I want a job in Tyler and there are none. I could probably make it the semester on part time college work, but I am scared of that too. I am CONSUMED with fear and that is not something I deal with daily--some fear, lots of other stuff, but I mean, it is like it is HAUNTING me suddenly. SO then I think I should move into a hotel and finish out the year. Right now, I will get rid of my apt. so I have no commitments. At work I either have to resign or commit. I have a deadline whether it is spoken or not.

Is there any right and perfect decision? I don't want to move to Dallas then move again to Tyler. I don't want to live on the road for the rest of my life. I am TIRED of ALWAYS being in transition. I WANT A HOME and a LIFE.

If a miracle were to happen and I had a chance I think it's going to take a long time to be okay.

Still I am even now applying for jobs.

It is my hope.