I gave in today. I made a call—of course I got a machine. I resented doing it because of the fact that I am virtually always the one to make a move or initiate something even when it did not originate from me. The reason I gave in is because I almost had a bad wreck on the freeway. Without total truth I am useless. The truth is the ONLY thing that sets me free. I will argue that til my dying day. I must have it—even if it devastates me I must have it. If it devastates me I have a back up. I never want to use my back up because it is second best. I have been trained in excellence.

That was a reference to Shachah actually. I was with Margaret (whom I met at the Vermont Shachah conference in July) in Oxnard and Ventura and it was very interesting for many reasons. One thing I discovered was the source of some controversy. I knew there had been someone who had, in essence, plagiarized Aunty Magrate and made their own ministry based on her work, but at Shachah they don’t gossip about that stuff. But through a different comment—also not a gossipy one but I put two and two together because it all clicked—I came home and looked some stuff up and found out. It was really very interesting because Margaret was talking to me about using other tambourine patterns and how she couldn’t really incorporate them—that one type was emotional but Shachah’s were spiritual, she said. Last night at tambourine practice, there was one pattern they played that I did not like. She told me that was one she had tried to use from the other place (she doesn’t know of the controversy either and I did not tell her) but it wasn’t working. It was so interesting to me that before I even KNEW it I recognized through a tambourine beat what was and was not right. The spirit comes through.

I actually came home with a greater respect for Shachah. You know, I don’t know why everyone wants to reinvent the wheel. God gave Aunty a vision for this stuff like 20 years ago or something like that and it works. She is classically trained and musically advanced. So, yeah, I sort of think she knows what she is doing.

I am reminded sometimes of Shekinah—who might shoot me if she reads this—who is with YWAM and yet her own friends will take groups to Teen Mania down the road instead of the place where she has been trained when she invites them and wants them to share in the awesome ministry she has been given.

Back to my words, it is like a slap in the face. Pastor Michael is talking of arranging a seminar at Margaret’s church, and I have been elected to help. That makes sense because if there is one thing I am it is an administrator. And I like it. But I sat there last night in this discussion with part of her team thinking, If I do work for this and it never happens I will be LIVID. People have the best and highest quality at their disposal and refuse it Incidentally, and please hear this, I am NOT referring to anything recent or in LA right now—people here seem to think Shachah is awesome, as much as they know so far at least. This is a reference to the last three years or so in some various areas that came to light as I looked up the person with NO training whose patterns are written out just like Aunty’s, and I got annoyed. But that is not related to my current life—just too much past leading on that is frustrating.

Anyway, yeah, practice last night. I played with them the whole time and caught on to most of it. They don’t actually play the whole syllabus. Aunty always tells us when we teach to modify it—like if the footwork is too hard, to just do the hands (which is a lot of what they did because their team is older and not dancers) and stuff like that (this is to be distinguished from making up imitations because you want to be cool). Anyway, I had fun. As soon as the music started I was home. That is all I care about—being allowed to worship that way. Okay, so in Texas I drove two hours—do I drive an hour here? Actually, Ventura is a bit more than an hour. But I am thinking about it. Right now it is the only team I have access to and I am about to go loony of I don’t do something. Of course my real heart is dancing—and while they are related—the dance is what I long for so much it hurts. That is not the same at the Sunday Morning Holy Hop, but I mean the stuff that makes my heart fill with a passion and drives me into the arms of God.

I am sometimes criticized for this by other Christians who think it is ABOUT dancing. It annoys me because anything that drives you to worship, serve and love God more deeply than without it is good. When I dance, it is intercession. When I dance, it is communion with God. Some people read the Word, some sing the Word and some dance the Word, but the Word is the Word, and how dare we valuate whose experience with the Word is appropriate?

Please, everyone, would I have fought all these years for it and sacrificed relationships even if it was not doing something spiritual? Don’t people think it would be easier NOT to dance? My goodness. It is easier in ANY church not to dance—even dancing ones. It is not like I have had 15 years of classical ballet—I am not great by anyone’s standards who knows dance. I am not skinny. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE ACT! It is about the Word that comes to life as I move. If people don’t understand that I cannot blame them, but I do blame them when they judge it in me. There are people all over the nation in the Church who would never DREAM of having a worship service without singing but will tell you it is not right to dance every time we worship. Why is one art form greater than the other? Is God that limited? I will confess something here as a former singer. When I ONLY sing in church it is about vocalization for me 80 percent for the time. There are a few times it is pure worship, but singing is a performing art for me. If I must stand still and simply sing songs, I listen to the sounds of the vowels, my harmonization with others around me, how my tones are, etc. That is why even in stand-still churches, if you watch, my arms are subtly dancing even when my feet stand still—the movement is when it becomes pure worship for me. I don’t know why. I just know it is. I dance because I change in the presence of God when I do—and when I change, I try to change the world through what He has shown me. I will never apologize for that.

Margaret’s church is not Charismatic and yet they have a tambourine team, She said sadly that theirs is one of the only ones around—that the ones in the Charismatic and Pentecostal churches—usually known for being freer in those ways—have all but died out. It is tragic. It really is a tragedy.

So anyway, two extraordinary things happened. One is that this team had a CD of songs they have tambourine choreography for. I recognized the title for one but thought, no it is a different song with the same title. Never ONCE in almost 6 years have I heard this song except when I was the one who played it myself. So we put the CD on to see, and I was already forming my mouth to say “nope, that is not it” when I heard the familiar beginning. I cried. They saw my face flood with emotion and the tears fill my eyes. I knew there was significance to that. I knew it beyond anything because I have listened and waited for almost 6 years and never even met someone who knew it, let alone heard it played. The song is the most important song in the world to me—the one God used to change my life: “Hallelujah to the Lamb.” It is what I commonly call my Deliverance Song. And there it was. I could not believe the pure emotion that surged through me upon hearing it. It was an entirely unique experience. They played as much as they could recall for me—it was old to them. But it was not that anyway—it was that my song was there. I am still not sure of the significance but I know it was no accident.

My further fascination came when Margaret informed me, and I am still not sure how, that the city for Pasadena is a forerunner in dance. She also told me about the church at which I am attending a conference. I don’t think the church itself has dance but they are affiliated with the worship and intercession moves in the nation. It was really fascinating. It also helped explain why there are SO many dance schools in a town this size. It made me wonder if the dance community and Christian community here are so prolific maybe the adult education department might be open to the worship dance.

It was very interesting and encouraging—until I was on my own on that freeway again and almost had a wreck over the emotion in this all. All the encouragement in the world is POINTLESS without the purity for truth. There is NO OTHER way. This is one of the times I hate it. I don’t want to deal with it—don’t want to face it. I HATE IT. But I have to.

I would rather die in truth than live a lie.