July 30, 2003

Today it was my glasses I forgot. Steve and I were in the car on the way to get the truck when it occurred to me that could not see. Oh, to find my brain again!

It is approaching midnight and I am at Beverly’s. My home is void of furniture. And it is hitting me. It is like I said tearfully to Beverly a while ago: I am leaving the best and happiest life I have ever had to follow the call of God, but I don't even know what it entails.

I loved church tonight—loved my pastor, loved the people. I followed my heart with one person I wanted to be friends with but just met. We exchanged emails. I hope we will be friends. Sometimes there is a spiritual connection you feel and that was just it.

Randy prayed for me as he said goodbye—and encouraged me to keep dancing. I told him I couldn’t stop anyway—it had transformed my life with God. It was a whirlwind week. Monday night Beverly and Jan threw me a surprise party and they SHOCKED me. I mean it really worked and it was amazing. Even more amazing was some of the sentiments expressed. The love people shared was wild. When did I become a nice person? But I realized it was all God. Any good in me is God’s good. I know that. My face was probably priceless. I was astounded. It was so wonderful.

And then the rest of the dancers and I got together Tuesday at Jason’s Deli—only Sarah repeated herself. She is such a neat girl—and glowing with God’s glory lately. It touched me so much that she came. I walked out of there with Pointe shoes on, making Shelly teach me as much as she could in five minutes! We took pictures of us at Jason’s—me in Pointe shoes. Great memories.

Jan gave me the bracelet I had admired so much. I wore it proudly. Why didn’t I wear anklets before? It is so appropriate to my bare dancing feet.

The emotions hit hard tonight. I am not doing as well as I had hoped. The thought of leaving Robin next week is absolutely killing me inside. I don’t know how I will do it. If I have to do it alone I am going to a hotel at the beach and hiding out with God until I get through it. And all week I have had such wonderful expressions of love. There are people here who don’t even know I was rotten. People actually love me. And I am about to toss it out the window. Whoa!

Furthering this mild anxiety is that I have not talked to Darrell and Terry in FIVE WEEKS. For people who don’t realize it, I HATE limbo. It is torture to me. I would rather be hated and have every negative comment come than be in limbo, so even when it is not so dire, it is still hard

All in all, here comes the emotion… I guess it is understandable. But it also still is achy. It is not natural for a person like me, with my past and history to abandon it all for the unknown. It has to be God. But the fact is, the natural part of my mind catches a glimpse every once in a while and wonders if I have lost my mind.

There is a big fifteen feet long moving truck outside my apartment on Wells. It is loaded and locked. I got it of a rock bottom price—thanks to a cooperative Lance and a faithful God. I have heard no word yet from the CA rental agency. I have moved out though. I have til tomorrow to get my stuff out but I won’t ever sleep there again. My friends cleaned my apartment tonight and now little is left. Jan cleaned my bathroom—and I am now in the ranks of Kayellen and Gail. Cool. Truly I am honored. And overwhelmed by it all.

Sometimes in the emotion of it all I almost miss the dog barking.