July 2, 2003-Wednesday (continued)

So those are all the facts of the events and attacks. Now let’s get to the other side! While I was rather out of it today and even just not FEELING all that spiritual and mighty, God moved anyway and spoke several things to me. One came tonight through a word from a lady form the church who is leading the worship at the conference. They are from Minnesota. The first thing occurred in morning worship and was quite an epiphany about past pain and feelings. I am such an all or nothing person. I went from a person who was always in pain to one who will barely acknowledge other than with close friends that I use to hurt over deep stuff. Today God brought balance to that.

The next thing was an epiphany directly related to the word from God in Los Angeles. (An aside here, it is funny that I get so many words from God away from home—makes every “crusty” –Darrell-ism-- Days Inn worth it! --). Anyway, it has been a funny thing but at many Shachah conferences I am behind the product tables and sometimes I go in workshops or whatever. Sometimes I stay behind the table knowing it is easier. Workshops involve hard work and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. I always saw that as my just being lazy. But today I had a realization that surprised me. It was so un-me. I realized I really LOVE these people I meet. I love answering questions about dance and advising them and encouraging them. I love seeing their faces get excited about learning—and inside I plead silently for them to go home and practice this stuff and not abandon it. I love it. I love working those tables. Those of you who know me well are probably shocked now too. That is so unlike me. I am not a people person, though many think I am. I would go nuts working in retail, but this is different. I love these people. I get to dance a lot but I don’t often get to talk to people about dance. I joked that sometimes it is overwhelming that people think I know something just because of how I ma dressed, but I guess it is true that I know enough to answer them. I love these people at conferences. That was so eye opening. It goes much much deeper than that because of what God said to me in Los Angeles, but that was neat in itself, even without the deeper meaning.

And then there was the prayer time. The worship leader from Minnesota called all of us Shachah people up and then had people on her team lien up and find one of us and pray for us. I can’t possibly detail that time in a blog entry, but it was pretty amazing. A couple came to me. The woman ran to get a blank tape and recorder. She recorded what she and her husband said to me from God so I could have it. I really appreciated that. I was a not sure at first—I don’t trust strangers well, and she was a bit more expressive than I am used to. But I felt like the spirit was right, you know. But the word she gave me was pretty major. And you have to understand that I am always the LAST person to get a word. I can count on one hands how many true words from God I have had that came through others in years of following closely after Him. In fact, it used to deeply bother me that I never got any. I am over that, but I still don’t. So it is not a typical thing for me to receive words. And I do not take everything someone says is God as God. I definitely “test the spirits” and examine my own heart. But even though I was not at first totally comfortable with this lady, what she said actually made sense. But no one would have known it. Maybe Robin and Terry, maybe… so it confirmed what was in me. I have not listened to the tape again and I doubt I will until I am home and can transcribe it. The thing is, all this goes together with all God has been saying and that makes me give it credence. If that is the case then this all runs deeper than it appears.

There are other things I believe God has been saying (I am in a high hearing mode right now! Lots of input…) that are more intense than these initial things. I think I see a glimpse into the future because He is showing me some things. It goes back to that feeling I wrote on the last LA trip of knowing I am called. I feel a greater purpose—it stopped being about me in March. Finally.

So things are going well here. I am expecting God to clarify some more things as we go off together after the conference on the 4th. I am writing things down as I hear and perceive them. But yeah, it is not about me or my feelings or even what I would choose. God is instructing me and that is the bottom line. Sometimes people ask my WHY I am moving to Los Angeles. Now I only have one answer: Because God is calling me. When I say that I am telling the pure truth. The church is a great part; the job is a huge blessing. The dance opportunities are awesome—but that is not WHY. Why is Jesus. Period. And so I go.