Still later…so bittersweet. I told Beverly, whom I saw only briefly, and she pounced on it. I have already heard she said. She prayed for me right there. That affected me because when Beverly operates in the mode she did tonight she is operating in the Spirit. That really helped too. Beverly told me to go back and read all I wrote and see—that I know.

Luella also prayed with me. In between, Belinda came in when Bev and I were talking and I stepped back so she could talk to Beverly. She said she had come to see me. I think even Beverly looked surprised. I certainly did. They needed my editing help. First the ditch, then editing. What timing. I almost cried.

My mind remains a flood of memories and mixed emotions. Of course that brings up my defenses. Fine, I say, just fine. I don’t need any of this. The end. And I shut down.

Sure signs: I switched the CDs in my car. Now instead of “Believe” and “Prepare the Way” we have Avalon’s old CD. Then I wondered what I was going to do at 5 a.m. because I don’t want to talk about this anymore. So maybe I will dance with God for two hours, but I will still get up. I might learn Pointe work better through this crisis! I want to pull back from everything. My heart is threatened and that is how I react. Oh, how personal I am being in here, but I don’t care. These are not the depths of my heart. This is human emotion many never express. I could care less. Terry told me that she really appreciated how transparent I am. And if I write it then, yes, I certainly am. I can expose anything in print. But in real life, watch out. Walls are my safety right now.

I said something to God that was rather unlike me. He invites us in the book of Malachi to test him and prove Him in tithing, so I my attitude was not meant to be at all rebellious but more a desperate need. On my way to church tonight I said “God, I don’t mean to sound crappy, but I think this is what you have said. Prove it.” That is it. I need it so deep within me that a world class debater filled with the Holy Spirit could not shake me. No more emotion, no more written confirmations, no more endless discussions. No more. I am done. Terry is right, it must be me and God. Just as the original deliverance that started all this was on that farm road, just as the dancing thing started alone in my living room and extended to church months later when I sat alone, just as even last November the deliverance happened in a car not too far from the old farm road. When it matters it is always me and God. Us alone. And that is it again. So no more. I am on hiatus.

If only I could stop the tears.