Maybe the problem is that I do know but fantasy went away.

Wow! I didn’t even really how true that was when I wrote it. Some people don’t understand why I write so much, but this is typical. Through my writing I learn the truth. I just found it. In two days the fantasy went away, stripped me of all that I grasped and left me standing alone in the valley, wondering. That is it. No more fantasy. Between my precious students and Terry’s intense wisdom, it shattered.

The problem is, the truth has not.

I am experiencing a crash much different from any other. What I have believed for two months is not gone. Many times in my life I have been on a mountaintop and when I fell off, I found that I could not maintain the things I held on to in the high. I don’t mean I was not real or that I became some sordid immoral wretch, but just that those things I believe in the midst of a high don’t always seem real in the valley. But alas! This is different. I changed the music and threw myself into work and didn’t dwell on it and pulled away from it. But it is not gone anyway. It is inside me.

What I believed only a week ago on the mountain I still believe in the valley. What is the difference? Now it hurts. Now it aches. Now my gut surges with the knowledge of the agony of this ordeal. Reality is ugly.

What is going on might be the most wonderful thing ever. Or not.

But this morning I got up at the usual time and did not know what to do when I prayed—so I talked it through and was completely honest about the things that have hit—the words spoken that scared me, the reality of feelings. Of course I stayed at work all day long, then even went to see Luella after work and by the time I got home it was about 6:45 and I had been gone over 11 hours. I like that. My desk is clean. This is a sure sign that something is going on.

So that is what happened—reality. Is what happened real? Yes. But it is easy? No! That was the mountaintop. But in the valley all the things I believed are still here (well, except that I think am still too much and too passionate for most people). The only problem is that two major issues lay alongside it. And now I am beginning to understand things I never did about people.

And now I am beginning to see that great sacrifice is inherent.

To go out with joy you must also go out with sorrow.