Ironically the last time I wrote in this Word file for my blog (my main one is on my desktop PC at home) I was in this same hotel. It was almost one month ago; I just signed on and saw the entry. It was the one where I commented how I start to forget where I am because every hotel looks the same. That is how I felt again a bit ago. I have been away from home since last Friday night, in and out but sleeping away. Now tonight I am in a hotel (the one Priceline always gives me for $20!) and tomorrow night I will be in a hotel through Sunday. Dallas, New York, next week LA. It is like I am some major traveler. In some ways I am, but I know it is about to slow.

Tuesday is the day—unless I hear otherwise from God, I will turn the letter in before I see the kids. But I have to tell my special kids first, then the rest. Hard. There is no other word. That is the same day as the board meeting in Clear Stream. Two whammies at Lee. His will be bigger than mine, but both will affect people. That is the part I hate.

But what I hated more was the times in the last two weeks when I thought maybe it was not meant to be and would not happen. I hated how lost I felt. I hated thinking that this was all a fantasy again and it was not time, that it might never be time. And even though the stream is clear and there is a place for me there, I don’t think that is it. Of all the options, only one makes my SPIRIT dance. The others make my heart dance for one reason or another, but only one makes my spirit dance more than my heart actually. People say follow your heart, but God says follow your spirit.

It has really not been a fun couple weeks. Hi, my name is Susan and I have too many insecurities. That was the theme! I have been mean and cranky, and I hate that. End-of-school stress is nothing compared to end-of-journey stress.

“But Susan, I don’t want you to…” I will always cherish the words of my dear friend. Being wanted is worth more than anything, but again the heart versus the spirit. With reality settled in it is not that the spirit in me dances daily, but it is more that the thought of it not happening makes it grieve.

In the morning I will board American Airlines and fly to New York City for my third visit there. New York makes me think of Darrell. I went on my first trip when I was 19 and we went with the youth group. When I went back in 1999—ten years later—I went to the same church to work and could not help but think of Darrell. I wanted to tell him I had come back on my own, but had been so far out of touch it seemed pointless. Now they are back in my life big time, but I am going as part of a different ministry. I am being set loose in New York. While it is a Shachah trip, I am traveling alone. They never let me do that at the church. Queens, to the Bronx, to Manhattan, alone. Which bus? Which Subway? Who has a clue? It is an adventure. I already know I need a Metro Card with unlimited weekly rides. Even for four days it will save me money to buy a weekly pass. If you research enough before you go, you can look less touristy when you arrive. Every time I go I blend into New York culture. Everyone thinks I am one of them. That helps. My kids laughed at the idea of my being in New York, their sweet, innocent, prude teacher. Ha! I did my New York accent and mannerisms for them and they changed their minds. You should be an actress, they said. I have been, kids, for over two months, I have been.

I think I will go to sleep soon. I have to get up early despite being in Dallas already. This will be my second time to fly to the East Coast in less than a year for a dance seminar. I ought to keep my money at home. I will be in a dancer’s haven.

Sometimes I am still amazed at this dance thing. With one leap off the floor over 5 years ago my whole life changed. Now my world is about dance—and that is simply symbolic for worship and my love for God. What if I had never danced? I would not be me. That is the truth, plain and simple, I would not be who I am now.

And my Pointe update for those allowed to read it. Some dance stuff I ordered came today—including the pants I ordered to dance in in June in CA that the catalog claimed were not see through—HA! Nice underwear, Tyrrell. They are on their way back right away! (Why is finding white dance pants near impossible?) But I also ordered those ouch pads all my students tell me I need for Pointe shoes (of course I do not ask my teachers because they will sternly lecture me, and I don’t want to hear that!). So they came and I put them on and got my Pointe shoes on, removing all the lamb’s wool. Oh, my goodness! They did not even hurt with those in them. I cannot believe what a difference they made. I could even couru in them with nothing supporting me! Wow! Then I got a bit overconfident and fell flat. And then I remember the immense PAIN I am in my other leg where I appear to have torn my other tendon. It does not hurt in one position, only in the springing up or walking motions, so while on Pointe, it did not hurt, til I landed and I relaxed I ought to be careful because my dance in CA is now one month away and it requires full stamina and strength. I am going to teach myself my dance on Pointe. Not for June, of course, but to do it again. I imagine I will need to order a videotape to teach me how until I get decent enough that someone will teach me. But I will learn. I am learning.

It took a lot of effort for me to leave those Pointe shoes at home, but I am forcing myself to travel lightly. All I have packed besides my Bible, tambourine and dance book are black pants, Shachah shirts, a sweatshirt, toiletries and dance shoes. There is very little else I have bothered to bring. I am learning to pack lightly—and Pointe shoes on a trip like this would be stupid! So I made myself leave them home. But they really did not hurt. I know they would after a long time, but the hard part of wearing them was balancing well, not pain. I was surprised. This is one area where a wide foot helps me because I have a boxy support.

So the changes are finally leading to an end. The comments that I have to know that I know that I know are accurate and yet I know me best. I can sit around and wait forever for a voice from the clouds, but for me there always comes a point where I must look at the gut feeling, analyze the spirit and know it is time to act even if my human doubts scare me. That is me because I am always afraid that whatever choices I make I am rejecting some great choice. What if Clear Stream is better and I go for the smoggy ocean? But I have to do what I feel is right. If all this has not happened for a God ordained reason then I don’t know what has.

Next week will be hard. That is not an awful prophecy; it is fact when you love. The hard will be sandwiched between two trips that are filled with God and with the purpose and vision, but hard is hard is hard. When did I learn to love this way?

Probably the first time I danced.