I don’t know if I can do this. I have it so good. It hit me tonight, and I broke down in tears and called Robin. My feelings and reactions surprise me. I don’t like this because it is genuinely agonizing. I think it got bad at the award’s ceremony. I saw Halley sitting with her step dad, while her mom was in the back with MaryMack, who was fussing in mom’s arms. I was flooded with love for my sweet student, her loving family and her precious baby sister. I looked behind me and saw a staff member who, at he beginning of the year, I thought I didn’t like and who couldn’t stand me, and realized how God had turned all that this year, and I truly love her too. She has become one of my greatest allies. This year my professional evaluation was amazing, reaching “exceeds expectations” 21 times and hitting the top of several domains. Today my principal told me I uphold good standards and godly characteristics in the classroom—right after he complimented me on how I had conducted the after school class. I caught his eye during the ceremony—oh-so-boring unless it is your name called. We smirked at each other about some inside joke no one else would understand. Minutes later we had a three-person smirk going on between us and the faculty member I thought I did not like. Yeah, I have it good. Really. Never in my life have I been at such a happy and stable place. I am truly blessed.

Cut to early this morning when I prayed. As Terry says, I was “eating carpet” because of the power of the Holy Spirit on me in that room. I was on my face amazed by the things going on inside me as I prayed—and mostly I was praying for the church. This happens often when I pray for them.

Suddenly tonight it is not an exciting game. It is serious, and it is agonizing. My heart tonight feels torn in two. And although one side may be bigger, the tear still hurts like crazy.