I decided to try to call Terry and ask her to clarify some of my confusion. She wasn’t home. No surprise there, but it sure would have helped. I think I am going to Kelli’s recital tonight. And Brookshire’s—Britney is working. Sometimes I am too like a mother—going to see kids at dance recitals and work. But Kelli’s parents are out of town and can’t come and I know how it feels to have no one watch you dance. And I need groceries anyway and was too tired to go earlier, so why not wait? She even highlighted the portabella mushroom code for me. (One of my favorite meals these days is a grilled portabella mushroom sandwich with asparagus with baked, dried onions, or with cherry tomatoes.)

I sent my friend an email... That change will happen soon. Change change change. How about me? This morning I burst into tears in the bathtub. I mean it just got to me—thinking of someone who believes in me—and that the changes might affect that too. And that one thought had me gushing. I actually left for work in tears and arrived in new tears. Tears were my clothing this morning. At work I got lost in research papers and broadcasting, but underneath it all was the truth.

From today’s journal:

I believe in the Cause. Even in my deflation it is all inside me. But I can’t do it alone. If this is all about me and God, and others don’t have a role, then I am back to isolated Christianity… I think I scare people. If I were given a green light—if I could live in the book of Acts, I could be totally free and the power of God would flood everything. But I think because I am single and free, people get scared. They don’t want to give me that green light because I have no barriers on me—and that frightens people. I have seen it frighten principals and pastors and friends. I’m the only butterfly I know who still lives in a cocoon.